Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

My Mum waited till we had dropped Brenda off before relieving herself of her clearly building opinion. From the moment Bren walked out to the car I could see it forming, growing with each minute.

Her sigh of impatience at me set the tone before she even says a word, "you shouldn't have rushed back into bed with her."

My eyes immediately leave the road and look at her, I didn't and Bren didn't say a word we were the perfect friends all evening. How did she even know? Then like she hears my inner thoughts. "Please. I'm your mother. At three years old you started drawing on the wall's though you quickly learnt you weren't allowed to, every time you walked into the room wearing the same expression you wore tonight, that innocent butter wouldn't melt in my mouth face, every time Jack and I would send out the maids to find your new Picasso. Without fail there was one."

Maybe if I stay silent I will get through this. For years I prided myself on not lying, that summer I destroyed that and hated myself for it. My Doctor, Ben, and myself all see truth as a powerful force for me to stay sober, and for me to feel good in my skin. My demons feed off lies and shame, and while I had removed some I couldn't completely erratic all. Like I said to Jim weeks ago they would always be there, they made me me. They were there but I wanted them as weak as possible. Denying the truth to my mother wasn't an option, not answering her was.

"Your face tonight and then your actual lack of touch. Brenda is a talented actress she should know better, you were raised by a fantastic liar who was a master at reading people- you too should know better. I've never been around either of you when you haven't automatically touched in some way, today though nothing. Completely nothing. Sadly it looked physically painful for you both at times, and then became almost comical in how hard you tried not to lay your hand on her back as she walked or how when the wind pickup on the way back to the car she had to avoid leaning into. You both trying to hide it made the night into a complete farce."

I thought we had been really discreet, I had even kept my hands on the table all evening and she the same. Our legs had been a little close, leaning against the other in a way that wasn't necessary for the size of the table but that was it.

"Now you know I love you both, I want this for you both, but rushing back into bed when she's not completely sure of herself and sure of your future together could have significant ramifications for you both. Darling you could get hurt. If she feels that she's not ready, guilty because of her relationship with Josh. If she feels that this this sneaking around is another way you bring out the worst in her, that loving you makes her do things she's not proud of…" Fuck, I hadn't thought of that. It's why she said no at graduation. Shit, I knew Bren, my mother knew Bren- she was right.

"Darling you could get hurt badly, she could unintentionally hurt you badly if she falls back into her thinking of four months ago, and then all the good ground you have built up could bring you back to square one." My blood is pumping, I feel like I'm breathing as if I just had a particularly hard swim. I'm not sure how I'd cope going back to nothing, going back but not even having college as our reconnecting ground. When the show gets picked up she wouldn't be there to build the trust back as quickly this time. It could take months, years then to bring her back to me.

Iris must feel the panic in me, "Dylan it's okay. It's too late now to chart a different course but Darling you need to be very careful here. You need to let her lead and only only hesitate if she truly begins to act out of character. Brenda is not a typical Scorp but like all Scorp's her weakness is her ego it can destroy things, herself the most. Her lying to her parents and going across that border with you that first time was her letting her ego dictate her path rather than her reasoning. If she does that again you need to be the voice of reason without making her feel bad and bruising her ego, your behaviour last year already did that enough."

My mother's words did nothing to relieve the anxiety that had sprung up at her very logical warning. It lead to a night of rubbish sleep, waking to both dreams that captured the joy and pleasure of the previous night, and nightmares that she'd walk out on me for good. AA was my only salvation the next morning, Ben I told everything to including my mother's warning. He listened without judgment and gave me similar advice that I gave Bren yesterday, stay in the moment don't worry what could be just be honest and present.

It offered a little calm to my overactive mind and gave me a point to focus on. Keep present.

Going home to a quiet house while Cindy and my Mum were out touring the Japanese Gardens at Long Beach was not wise. Instead I went to The Pit for a late breakfast. It was there that I found all of our old game minus me. Bren still keeping nearly two full table lengths between her and Kelly. I knew they spoke, I knew Kelly wanted to try and restore their friendship, I knew Bren would never trust her again. I didn't even deserve to be trusted but I knew she did, I knew that meant she still loved me, it was the only force I know that would be capable of that level of forgiveness.

"D, did you get our message?"

I smile at Brandon who was sitting between his sister and Andrea. He was currently helping himself to a piece of bacon off his sister's plate- she did not look happy. It's so typical them that it gives me the biggest sense of calm since my mothers word's. "Jones watch it your sister is about two seconds away from stabbing your hand with her fork. You should know better than to take her crispy bacon."

He immediately looks to his twin, "Nat gave you all the crispy pieces I'll give you one of mine."

She snorts, "I don't want one of yours I like the crispy one's. Take it up with Nat he obviously felt I deserved them."

The chairs are all full so I move to the bench on the side of the twins. No one would think it unusual as it was either get Bren to move over or Kelly- the latter I barely engaged with. We were completely civil, and I bore her no ill will, it was me who destroyed my own life but I didn't like the person I became when I hung out with her. I don't think she liked the person she became either around me.

Bren automatically moved over while keeping her eyes firmly on Brandon as he went on about her being Nat's favourite and it wasn't fair as he worked there for year's. It was completely not true, Nat loved them both but Nat also loved putting a smile on Bren's face. I couldn't blame him she had a beautiful smile.

As the twins did their twin thing I quietly ordered my breakfast with a double serving of extra crispy bacon. Andrea heard and smiled at me. She had obviously learnt that the only way to get the stubborn twins to back down was to either let them hash it out or give them both what they want.

Once the waiter had left after dropping off my coffee, I eye the plate in question and decide to save us all the twins retelling of all the times one of them got the last pancake or pecan scope. The bacon is in my mouth when I feel her eyes boring into me and Brandon yelling "hey that's not fair."

I look at both of them while I move the last of the piece to my hand furthered away from her, I know she'd take it just to prove a point. "Relax you two I've ordered a double serve of extra crispy bacon." My eyes then look at Steve, "what put our usual happy twins in this mood?"

Both Steve and I ignore the hey's from both of them.

"They are arguing over anniversary gift's. Brandon wants a giant puzzle of Cindy and Jimbo's faces-"

"Their wedding picture."

"It doesn't make it any better Brandon. I can imagine it now some random holiday someone will say let's get out the puzzle then it will be hours spent trying to reconstruct Mum's boob."

The coffee I was drinking literally sprayed out of my mouth, and I wasn't the only one effected. It was either open amusement or a mix of horror.

"Gizmo, I'm at all your holidays anyway, if it's that much of a problem I'll do the reconstructing of Cindy's boobs."

David's almost crying, while Celeste hits her boyfriend with the back of her hand in the chest. Brandon looked a little green.

"See Brother this is not the conversation I think anyone wants to have, or see our friends, dad or ourselves pick pieces up and wonder about."

"Okay okay point taken, but your idea isn't a winner either. Crystal glasses are a little impersonal-" She gives him a look and he shuts up. Both twins weren't back to normal with their parents but Bren had a much further behind starting point than her brother. He wasn't so controlled as she had been.

To stop anyone trying to figure out the meaning behind those words I jump in, "chinaware is the traditional twentieth wedding gift. Why not something in that or platinum that has also become popular."

Bren's head turns and she raises her brow at me, B just looks at me with shock. "What? I looked it up, I need to buy something for them too."

"Your buying my parents china? No offence Dyl but your taste in homewares is pretty ummm unique."

"What's wrong with my taste? Since it was redone a few months ago I thought the place looked good."

"Redone by Iris." She holds my eyes asking me to dare contradict her, she knows I can't she knows I wouldn't go house shopping voluntarily.

Rather than concede I get back to the point, "I got a platinum photo frame."

"Shit. That's a good gift. Man I hope mum got something equally good from the both of us."

"Steve you aren't getting something yourself? You and I practically lived there in high school."

I focus on my coffee rather than watch the look Steve was sending Kelly's way. As I'm drinking I feel her hand on my thigh. It's not sexual it's just a moment of comfort, a reminder that we aren't there anymore. As my breakfast is put down in front on me I turn the plate so the bacon is close to her side, her fork is immediately spearing a strip.

The breakfast is actually exactly what I needed, it's mainly light and Bren and I are friendly but casual. I took mum's advice and didn't stop touching her like I did last night, though they were touches of friends only.

The beach house contingent and Steve and Celeste leave after we all agreed to make an appearance at the joint sixties and seventies themed party at the sororities of the Keg and Alpha house tonight. It left Brandon, Andrea, and Bren and I.

"So D what's your plans for today? Any quick trips off to Baja?"

"Haha no. I'm going to head home. I might start the midterm essay for our French Literature class."

"Oh well now you are making me feel guilty, I wasn't going to start that until next week. Though with the anniversary party and the producers wanting me to do some more press, maybe I should reevaluate my study schedule."

"Sis you feeling okay? Because I swear I just heard you say you were going to willingly change one of your set study schedules. I mean I feel like the world is about to end or something."

"Andrea can you do something about him, he's taken annoying juice this morning or something?" She then turns to me, "up for a study partner? You know the old French grammar is still somewhat of a mystery to me."

I bring my nearly empty coffee mug to my lips to hide my smile, "sure."

Two hours later Bren's back in my room laying on her stomach as I place kisses up and down her backbone. She's halfway between sleep and consciousness, she is completely relaxed. I'm completely relaxed, living exactly in the moment, a moment I have no desire to see end.