Thanks for returning to read!

Ellie -

We've been back a week now, it's been nice. Robin and Julie let us stay at their house but I think me and Dina want our own place. It's too small for all of us here.

I've not spoken to Tommy either since the day we got back. I think he's avoiding me.

We moved into Joel's house today.

The house is really nice, it's big and there is a yard for JJ to play in.

He's getting so much bigger I can't believe it!

I wish Jesse was here to see him grow up

Maria came over today, said me and Dina need to pick up some jobs around town. It's been a month since we have been back and I'd like to be useful again. It took a little more settling in than I thought it would.

I like the idea of hunting but I think I will go back out on patrolling. I think Dina wants to stay in Jackson away from patrolling. Maybe take up gardening again, she loved doing that at the farm.

I tried to go out to the farm today. Didn't even get to the gates of Jackson before I turned back.

Dina said she would go over with me next week if I felt up to it.

I've been out on patrol for the past two weeks. It's been good. I'm going out on my own though as it's just easier that way and I don't risk anyone else's lives.

2 months have gone by living back in Jackson. We moved into Joel's old place. It's a really nice house and there is a yard for JJ to play in. It seemed crazy really not to take it and I know he would have wanted us to.

I took my old job back, patrol duty. Dina wasn't too happy about it. But I needed to do it. I need to feel like I'm doing something productive and protecting the town, It makes me feel worth something. I was good at fighting and if I ran into any problems with the infected I wasn't at a big risk like everyone else. There was also the little problem of me being a little reckless too.

I woke up early and kissed Dina and JJ goodbye as usual and headed out for duty. I was going on a long one today but I didn't mind. I headed over to the armoury and signed out my rifle then over to the stable where Japan was waiting. Since me and Dina got back we never went out at the same time just in case anything were to happen and JJ would be left alone. So we shared her horse, Japan.

I miss shimmer

I rode north past the small towns that surrounded Jackson to an old factory that was a few hours out. It was well overdue for a sweep. Not many people liked to come out this far so it got pushed back on the list of things to do. But I offered to go out and clear it on my own. Maria wasn't too fond of the plan but I assured her I would be careful. A lie really, I didn't seem to know the meaning of careful anymore. I don't know if I'm just bored and need a little excitement when I go out or if deep down I'm putting myself into these situations to punish myself.

As we approached the old factory, I scouted the outside of the building and its perimeter, everything looked pretty clear which was always a good sign. It was a large building that stood alone just on the edge of a forest. I'm not too sure what the factory was used for back in the old world but I know we use some of the machinery parts in Jackson. I circled back around to the main entrance and hopped off Japan.

"Hey Japan" I looked up at him and stroked his head. "What do you call a factory with okay parts? A satisfactory!" I laughed still stroking him. "Hmm yeah that one was a good one"

I gave him another pat on the head and secured his rains to the fence and made a move towards the large building doors. I took my pistol out ready and moved through the door sweeping the area for any infected. I moved along the corridors going from room to room checking for any signs of infected. There wasn't much around, just lots of old machines.

I headed down one of the corridors towards the back of the building and saw spoores filling the next room. "Mask on" I spoke automatically but realised I was on my own. Dina always told me to wear one 'just in case' but I didn't see why I had to. It's uncomfortable and I can fight better without it. I pushed my way through the doors and into the spored filled room.

I could see something moving in the distance. Infected. I holstered my gun and took out my switchblade. There was only a few so I'd make easy work of them. I sneaked forward and got the first one from behind, driving my knife through its skull and dropping it to the floor, two more left. I moved along the edge of the room and took out another one in the same manner. "Last one" I whispered. I moved forward again and lunged to grab it when the floor went from under us. We dropped to the room below with a thud. I heard it loud as anything. The screaming. It was clickers. I looked around and there were three of them approaching. The infected I still had a hold of was on top of me flailing its hands trying to attack me. I took my knife and slit its throat.

"Mother fucker" I threw it off me and stood facing one of the clickers. I reached for my rifle and let a bullet fly, sending it to the ground. The other one came at me knocking the gun from my hand sending me across the floor. I got my knife ready and when it was close enough I lunged forward stabbing it over and over again killing it. "Die mother fucker!" I got up and made a run for the door closest to me. It was locked "Fuck!" The last clicker was advancing on me.

I need to get out of here.

I could see a small window that was big enough for me to crawl through. I made a run for it doing my best to avoid the remaining clicker. As I got closer I started to climb a pile of crates to reach the window. I was nearly there but I felt something on my leg. The clicker was on me pulling me back. I tried to land a kick to its head but I lost my footing and missed. It took a hold of my leg and sank its teeth into my thigh. I let out a scream of pain and upholstered my pistol. I shoved it into its head and pulled back the trigger sending clicker brains everywhere. It fell off me and onto the ground below. I smashed the window and pulled myself through, dragging myself across the hard ground I collapsed to the floor trying to catch my breath.

I laid there for a moment thinking about what just happened and how lucky I was to get out alive. I sat myself up and took a look at my leg "Fuck, Dina is going to kill me" I had a large chunk missing and it was clear what it was from. A bite. I managed to pick myself up and get back to Japan. "Hey buddy, your going to have to help get back home" I whispered to him. I rummaged through his saddle bag for anything to wrap round my leg. Dina always kept it stocked for me, she knew what I was like. I found some rags that were cut into strips and wrapped my wound up. Hissing in pain as I pulled the bandage tight.

"Come on boy let's go home" I called to Japan before we rode back towards Jackson

I went straight back to the house after the quick stop at the stables, I was home early so nobody was there. JJ was still at Robins and Dina was probably out tending to the gardens. I dragged my injured leg though the kitchen to the sink. I took out my knife and cut though the bangage and pant leg to expose the wound "mother fucker" It was bad I could see the bite clear as day, the rugged teeth marks framing the gaping hole.

I reached for one of the dining chairs so I could sit down. This was going to suck. I needed to get rid of the evidence of the bite before anyone saw. I took out a wooden spoon from the drawer and placed it in my mouth, biting down hard. With my good hand I firmly held my blade to my leg. My hand shook for a moment while I got the courage and then I dug it into the wound. I cut through the flesh, mutilating my thigh so it wouldn't look so much like a bite. I screamed in pain and my eyes filled with water. I felt my head spin and my skin was burning under the sharp blade slicing through it. Once I was done I threw the blade into the sink and my head fell back, the spoon falling to the ground. My hands were still shaking and my head was pounding from the pain. I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Ellie!" Dinas shout hit me like a brick

I looked up and she was standing in front of me. Her face was white.

Fuck, did I pass out?

She dropped the package of loose vegetables in her hand on the floor and ran towards me, kneeling in front of me. "What happened?" her eyes looked horrified as she looked at my leg. I must have passed out before I had a chance to cover it.

"I got into some trouble" I whimpered

Dina grabbed a towel for the counter and pushed it to my leg, it was instantly soaked in blood. She pushed down hard and I hissed in pain. "Ellie what…" she broke off looking at the sink. She noticed my blade. "Did you do this to yourself?" she cried

"I got bit, I needed to hide it"

She dropped her head and sighed "That's it, your done with patrols"

"No!" I tried to shout but my voice was faint

"Yes, I can't keep worrying about you going out. You have a family"

Those words again you have a family rang through my ears.

I felt a tear roll down my face "I'm sorry" I cried

Dina put her hand behind my neck and pulled me in pushing out foreheads together, still pressing the towel to my leg. "It's okay"

A few more sobs escaped my lips and Dina pulled me in tight to her chest.

"Let me take a look" she spoke softly. She pulled back the towel and her face scrunched up "Fuck this is deep, we need to get this stiched" She pushed the towel back down. Her hands were now also covered in blood.

"I can't risk anyone finding out"

"Nobody will find out El, it's okay. If you leave it like this you're going to bleed out all over our kitchen floor. Now come on. Hold onto me, it's only a short walk to the clinic from here"

Dina moved to one of the kitchen draws pulling out a roll of tape, she pushed the towel down hard and secured it in place before taking my arm and pulling me up, she was practically carrying me to the clinic.

We were in and out within a couple of hours. The doc seemed a little suspicious when I told her I'd cut my leg on glass trying to get out of a broken window but she stitched me up and told me to take it easy for the next week or so while it healed non the less. We stopped by and grabbed JJ on the way home from his grandparents. It was a little later than usual but he didn't mind, he loves going there. Robin is very much like Jesse.

Dina dropped herself down onto the sofa next to me taking a deep breath "Ellie"

"Yeah?"

"I meant it you know, you are not going out on those patrols anymore"

"But.." Dina cut me off

"No buts about it, I don't understand why you think you need to do this, go out on stupid patrols on your own. Putting your life in danger all the time because you don't have to! You have a family who need you"

I let out a sigh but said nothing just continued to stare at the ground in front of me

"Hey" Dinas voice was soft "Come on talk to me, what is it?" She asks

"I feel like my life is worthless" I blurted out. I didn't even mean to say it. It's something I've thought of ever since the hospital.

Dina looked at me shocked at what I'd just said "What do you mean?"

"Ahh fuck" I lifted my hands to my head and pushed my hair back "I can't keep hiding this from you"

Dina looked a little worried

"You already know most of it so don't worry" I held my hand up to reassure her "So you know i'm immune. The reason we haven't really talked anymore about it is because I'm ashamed"

Dina moved closer to me on the couch resting her hand on my good leg "Ashamed?"

"Please don't hate me" I paused composing myself "Don't hate Joel"

"El I would never" she started to caress my leg a little, brining my anxiety levels back down slightly

"Well, there could have been a cure. They could have made a cure from me. The Fireflies could have developed one but Joel, he stopped them"

She looked at me with confused eyes "how did he stop them?"

"He murdered them all" I hung my head, hiding the water building in my eyes "He killed the only person who knew how to make a cure"

A few moments of silence passed that felt like eternity before Dina spoke again "Why?" she breathed

"The only way to make the cure was to kill me" I was still looking down, the tears falling from my face onto the couch "They told Joel they were going to do it no matter what but.." My words were lost in the sound of my sobs as I couldn't hold them in anymore.

I felt an arm around me pulling me in, Dina was holding me close to her. My head rested on her chest, she stroked my hair and kissed my head. We stayed like that for a while as I cried in her arms. I'd never spoken these words before to anyone, not even to Joel.

"You hate me don't you?" I managed to final speak

"Ellie. I could never hate you or Joel. I'm so glad he didn't let you die. You're everything to me" She loosened her grip on me and pulled my face up to look at her. "Don't you ever blame yourself or think your life isn't worth anything because you should have died to make a cure" Her eyes started to leak which she quickly wiped away. "I don't care if i sound selfish but I'd rather have you than a cure" She pulled me in tight again and kissed my head "I love you" She whispered

"I love you too" I whispered back

"No more patrols okay?"

"Okay"

I hope you enjoyed reading the latest chapter! More to come tomorrow.