XXXII
~ The morning sun was just starting to make itself known to my bedroom window. I stretched out on my queen-sized bed, regretting how short my sleep was. I had spent a good few hours unboxing as much as I possible. I did a good job. I only had few boxes left, and those were the ones I was debating about donating or not. I've yet to find my shoe box though. I think I finally crawled into bed about 11:50. A bit later than I had wanted but it was better than the night before.
I would've gotten some decent sleep last night if it hadn't been for the nightmare I had. It had woken me up sometime after 1:00 and it had me shaken up. The worst part is that it left the sensation that all my dreams that come true do. Which only added into my dread. It took me what seemed forever, but I did manage to fall back asleep with a couple more hours to spar.
I sat up in my bed looking at my window that was glowing from daybreak, debating if I should do my daily run now, or try to find some time later in the day. It would help me wake up.
I reach over to the nightstand that had my alarm clock to check the time and see if I even had any time to go for a run. I groaned as I set the clock back down and threw the covers off of me, stepping out of bed and onto the cold wooden floor.
I woke up with enough time for a shower and appearance maintenance but not for any exercise. I stayed in the shower long enough to wash away the sweat that accumulated from the nightmare and then proceeded to assemble myself in my uniform and pinned up my hair in my usual clean bun. My hair had gotten so long that I couldn't handle it in just a ponytail anymore. It was always a mess until Fischer joined us and she taught me her ways. Now it was almost flawless with my bangs shaping my face the way I like.
I left my bathroom and zoomed across my nice one-story house to grab a quick drink of water before I had to head to work. As I was gulping the glass down, I noticed there was a car sitting outside of my walkway. I set the glass down in the sink, confused as I don't remember scheduling a pickup. As I went to the front door I picked up my pair of alchemy gloves that were sitting on the dining table, shoving them in my pant pocket, laced up my boots and locked my door before shutting it behind me.
I approached the car with little caution, as I couldn't quite make out the person in it was. All I could tell was that they had a masculine built. The car shimmied from the person adjusting to get out of the car and I stopped midway down my walkway as I waited to see who would appear.
"Morning Colonel." Breda's head popped up from the top of the car, full grin in place. I relaxed seeing it was him and told myself I would figure out why I was expecting a certain someone else later.
"What are you doing here, Breda? I didn't schedule you or anyone to pick me up." I know with my title came with certain perks like this, but I just gotten use to giving orders. This was such a foreign concept to me that it made me uncomfortable.
"Yah, I ran into Mustang before leaving last night and he ended up ordering this so…here I am." Breda said, his arm on the roof of the car with one of his legs still in the threshold of the vehicle. I rolled my eyes as I reached the car, opening the passenger door and sliding in. Breda followed suit, shutting his door. I knew if Mustang ordered this, there would be no getting out of it. Unless I wanted to get Breda in trouble. Which was a tempting thought.
"I don't need a chauffeur. I can get myself to work just fine." I was still going to let my discomfort be known though.
"See…I told him you would say that, and he agreed, but he stuck to the order. I think he got some entertainment from it if I'm being honest." He explained as he put the car in gear and accelerated forward, heading toward Central Command.
"Doesn't surprise me." I said as I crossed my arms in front of my chest. We chitchatted along the way with few moments of silence. We reached Central Command and Breda went to drop the car off as I climbed the stairs, ready for my day to start.
I walked into the building and decided that I should start my day off with a hot cup of tea. I found the coffee station and poured myself a mug of hot water and tore open a packet of earl grey, dipping it in the water. I sprinkled a good portion of sugar and cream in and stirred it around. I basked in the aroma of the tea and told myself it was going to be a good day.
"Colonel!" Speaking of a good day. I turned around to find Fischer jogging towards me. "Good morning."
"Good morning." I replied, bringing my tea to my lips, and enjoying the bliss the first sip brought me.
"Are you worried about today?" She stopped in front of me, seeming unusually anxious. She was normally in a perky mood, especially in the mornings, but she seemed more down today.
"Worried? What should I be worried for?" I asked, knowing all too well she was about to tell me something I'd rather not hear.
"Oh…so you haven't heard." She trailed off realizing she had made a mistake. I looked forward over the brim of my mug, stopping myself in mid-drink, debating on if I should ask the questions I know I need to. I brought the mug from my lips and released a long sigh.
"Get on with it, Fischer." I brought my free hand up to pinch the bridge of my nose, bracing myself for the headache I know was about to come. I hear her mumbling under her breath. I'm sure she was cursing herself for being the one to tell me. "Fischer." I almost barked.
"Becker got in a fight and pounded a civilian." She said way too quickly, but I had gotten used to her fast talk, so I caught everything she said in one take. There went my good morning. It was a matter of time before I got pulled into Mustang's office to discuss this. I would need to be able to tell him that Becker has been dealt with.
I didn't say anything. I only turned and stormed off to find him. I made a beeline to my office and just knew exactly where he would be. I paused just a moment in the threshold of my office door, saw Becker sitting where he sat yesterday and that was all I needed to see. Zoning in on him, I wound my arm up and threw my mug at him, not aiming anywhere particular. My beautiful tea flying right behind the mug and most of it landing on the ground.
Becker was too involved in his conversation he was having when my mug nailed him right in the middle of his face. The mug seemed to stay in place for a moment before thumping in his lap. He held his face in pain, and I could see his nose bleeding already.
"What the hell!" He snapped. He was looking around to see who would have thrown at him, to see me marching right up to him. "What the hell is your problem now, Colonel? I know it's the morning but-"
"Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing." When I was standing over him, I reached down and grabbed his uniform collar and pulled him halfway out of his chair and leaned in myself to bring us face to face. I wanted him to see just how furious I was with him. "Mind telling me why I'm hearing about you getting in a tussle with a civilian from Fischer?" I snapped.
"Jesus. Is that what this is all about?" The playful smirk that he displayed had me seething.
"This isn't a laughing matter, you idiot." He could be kicked out for this.
"If it makes any difference I didn't start it."
"I don't give a damn who started it. You know you don't ever go into blows especially with civilians!"
"I was defending an innocent! What was I supposed to do? Just let those thugs get away with assaulting that girl?" He finally hollered back. I tossed him back in his chair, pushing away the urge to throw my gloves on and zap him. "You can spark me if you want but I did the right thing." He knew what I wanted to do just by the look I was giving him but didn't seem worried as he continued. "I know I shouldn't have gone as hard as I did, but you weren't there. Those creeps deserved every blow and then some. They should be six feet under, but Koch stopped me." He made a point. And a damn good one but it didn't calm the anger that was still boiling in my chest. I was just mad that I had to find out through someone else. I should've been the first person that was informed. That alone was going to cause repercussions for him. Although, my fist unclenched with my chest swelling with admiration for him for defending the innocent. Whoever that girl was, I'm sure she was thanking the stars that he was there. Unfortunately, with being in the military, we have certain ways of going about things.
Becker brought his hand up to his still bleeding nose, wincing as he touched it. "I think you broke my nose." He shot a playful glare at me while holding his head up to stop the blood from running down his face, seeing that I had eased up. I scoffed a rough laugh, hating that he was working his magic on me.
"I didn't break your glasses so clearly I didn't hit you that hard. I think you'll be fine. Just shove some tissue up in there and you'll be good as new." I refused to be completely talked down. He will still need to be punished but I can work some loopholes. Even if it means I take the fall. There was a chance that this could go away quietly with no one of importance finding out.
"Man, has she always been this cold hearted?" Becker turned his whole body, facing the desk to talk to the person on the other side. I knew that he was talking to someone before I bombarded in, but I didn't register that there was a whole other person here who witnessed my crazed outburst.
"Basically, since day one. Not a lot of heat in that heart of hers." I don't know how, but that amused voice had my body both iced cold and blazing hot.
Becker turned back to me but that charmed grin of his vanished when he saw the panic in my eyes. I knew it was too late to recover and I begged that I was just hearing things and the person in the chair across from Becker was not…
No matter how unready I was, I looked to the person to see it was none other than Havoc. My breath hitched as I took him in. He was leaned as far back in his chair as it would allow him with his hands behind his head. His uniform top was hanging on the back of the chair, leaving him in his tight black undershirt tucked into his uniform pants outlining how in shape he still was. His smug smirk held a toothpick in place instead of a cigarette.
"Hey…Lovington." He said my last name a little too sensual for my liking. Like he had been practicing saying it all the four years I've been gone. Four years…but I swear it was just yesterday.
I didn't respond in any way. I just turned on my heels and headed for the door.
"Wha-Where're you going?" Becker called.
"I need to run. You head to the infirmary and get your nose checked out." Was all I ordered and made sure I didn't start my run early just to get out of my office.
"What? You really think this is the best time to-" Becker protested as I ran into Koch as he was entering the room. I didn't stop to apologize and kept moving.
"What happened to you now?" I heard Koch asked who I assumed was Becker. I didn't hear the answer as I sped walked down the hallway to the woman's locker room.
This entire time I've been playing through scenario after scenario of what it would be like to see him again. Actual face to face. What I would say and what he would say…and this is what actually ends up happening? I throw a mug in my subordinate's face, make him bleed, and yell at him? Great. Just great Abby. Real freaking great!
I know I didn't have time right at this moment to go for a run, but I knew if I didn't work out this anxiety that was on its way to an attack, I would be in worse condition.
I burst through the woman's locker room, and I hurriedly changed into a set of spare workout uniform as I forgot mine at home. I had to keep my boots on for the same reason, but I didn't care. I can push hard for one mile. That should take me off of the edge at least.
That mile had done me a world of good. I was hunched over as the last 6 minutes settled in me blissfully. I straightened myself up as I took control of my breath again as I walked over to the water fountain. I pushed the button to spring the water out and dipped my face in the cold stream. I stayed there for a moment before I brought my lips the stream and took in a few gulps of water. I released the button, staying bent over and let out a long sigh as I felt the benefits of my workout.
"Feel better?" I looked to see Becker standing right behind me, sweat towel in hand. I straightened up, turning to take the towel that he held to me.
"Thanks." I wiped the water and sweat mixture from my face and the back of my neck. "Yah. I do feel better." I feel like I can breathe again. "Sorry. It was just a lot to take in. I know you did the right thing, but you know we're held at a higher level." I wiped my face again with the towel. "You know I'm going to have to deal out some kind of punishment?"
"Punishment you say? What kind of punishment." Becker arched an eyebrow playfully. "I have been a bad boy."
"For the love of God, don't say it like that. You masochist." I hid my baffled smile behind the towel. He smiled back playfully, knowing I hate it when he says stuff like that. I noted the failed attempt of wiping away the dried, faded blood under his nose and a lump of guilt crawled in my stomach.
"Sorry about your nose." I apologized with a halfhearted smile. I really didn't mean to make him bleed. I can't even say for sure if I was meaning to hit him. At least not in the face like that. He only shrugged off my apology with a knowing looking, eyes staying soft.
"I'm used to your outbursts." A sly smile stole on his face when I shot him a disproval glare. His smile diminished and it seemed he had something serious on his mind. Which wasn't like him. "Is that it?" His questioning tone had me looking up over the towel at him. I took the towel from my face and raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to say more.
"Care to elaborate?" I asked when he didn't say anything. I wasn't just about to answer blindly.
"Seems there was more to you running away then you're wanting to let on. And I feel like it had a lot to do with Havoc." He watched me closely, which I did not like.
"First of all, I did not run away." I poked a finger to his chest. "And secondly, my need for conditioning has nothing to do with Havoc." I went to poke him again, but he caught my hand and gave a quick squeeze. I was not aware of just how close we were standing next to each other but this brought me to attention.
"Is there history between you two?" His features were so gentle asking that question. As if he already knew the answer and was prepared to have it confirmed. Those aquamarine eyes piercing me like they always do. That tends to make my heart skip and has me wanting to break down my walls that I'm always putting up with him. It terrifies me.
I didn't know how to answer his question. I didn't want to tell him the truth, but anything other than that would be a blatant lie. I didn't necessarily want to lie either but to bring it up…I would have to open up wounds that I wasn't ready to admit weren't healed.
I was ready to tell him off like I normally do. Tell him it wasn't any of his business, but someone cleared their throat loudly, breaking us from our trance with each other. We both turned our heads to see Havoc standing a few feet away, one of his thumbs tucked in his belt, head tilted and expression that screamed he was unamused.
On reflex, I jerked my hand out of Becker's grasp and took a step back from him, keeping my eyes to the floor. I don't know where this wave of guilt was coming from, but I feel like I had been caught doing something I shouldn't have been doing. I heard Becker scoff softly.
"Guess that answers my question." He said barely loud enough for even me to hear. I shot a daring glare at him before turning my attention back to Havoc, who was patiently waiting.
"What is it?" I asked Havoc with a not so gentle tone. I was already feeling like I had another run in me.
"If you're done conditioning, Mustang wants you in his office." Havoc said, keeping his gaze straight on me.
"Right." I nodded my head. For whatever reason, Becker looked down to me in disapproval. I met him with a questioning look of my own. I don't know what his issue was, nor did I care considering I was about to get my ass chewed out because of him.
Havoc finally turned around and I followed behind, leaving Becker where he stood. I didn't bother turning around to see if he was following. He knew what needed to be done. I was also a little too focused on the man in front of me. I don't know if it was because I've been away for so long and I've forgotten, but I swear he doesn't have the same scent. Did he change colognes? No…there was more to it.
"Did you quit smoking?" My mouth ran away from me. I swear I didn't mean to ask that out loud. Havoc looked back to me, keeping pace. He seemed surprised but more amused to my observation.
"Sort of." Was all he said as he looked back a head of him. I stared at the back of his head, debating if I should press for more information. I rolled my eyes in annoyance as I decided to leave it alone. If he didn't want to elaborate then so be it. It wasn't my business anyway. He caught me off guard as he slowed his pace and stopped, making me take a few steps to stand next to him. I looked up to him, waiting for what he was wanting. "Wanna take a shower?" He pointed with his thumb to the locker room behind us.
"Excuse me?" My voice went up in pitch as my heart stopped. I prayed I wasn't turning red, but I doubt it.
"I mean…I'm not saying you stink, but you did just get done running. I can let Mustang know and he can wait for you if you want?" He explained, seeming confused by my reaction.
"Oh." Gathering myself back together and trying to ignore the massive embarrassment running through my veins, I tried not to notice the knowing smirk on his face when he realized. "Yah, sure. I'll make it quick." I turned back and rushed to the locker room, trying to erase this interaction before it could be stored in my memory.
The rest of the day went well or at least as well as it could go. After getting a long winded lecture from Mustang about getting my troops under control and assuring him that corrective actions will be placed among the whole team, I was ready to go home. I was grateful that Mustang through in at the end to give Becker his respect. Meaning, I just needed to make it look like Becker got his ass handed to him and I really didn't have to deal out any punishment. Thankfully. Last thing I wanted to do was take away Becker's good intentions and twist the outcome into something bad. I ended up telling to be more aware of his temper and to handle it differently next time. Obviously, despite his teasing, he was relieved to find out that no real punishment was going to happen.
Both Havoc and I were able to stay out of each other's radar for the rest of the day. I'm pretty sure that caused more stress as I kept waiting to run into him again. The fact that I was hoping that I would run into him again didn't help with anything.
When I got home I decided to finish my workout from this morning. I did another two miles and pushed myself in the last stretch. Feeling satisfied with my exhaustion and disgusted with how foul I smelt, I thought it best to hop in the shower right away. Although, I did shower after my first workout today, I didn't have any spare soap or deodorant with me. I didn't smell the best throughout the day, so I was desperate for some soap and hot water.
After my shower and putting on deodorant and changing into shorts and a black tank top, I walked into my kitchen to get a glass of water from the sink. I turned to face the kitchen island as I guzzled down the water, appreciating the coolness. A knock at my front door had me on alert. I have no idea who would be coming by. I set my glass down next to the one that was there from this morning and tried to peer out the side of the window to see if I could see who was at my front door. All I could barely see was the edge of someone's silhouette. I approached my door and peeked into the peephole to verify who it was.
"Shit." I hissed a whisper. I slowly opened the door to Havoc standing right in front of me. He gave me a quick once over before his eyebrows shrunk in disproval. "Is everything ok?" I remained in my doorway, waiting for him to say something. I don't have the faintest idea as to why he would be here. Clearly there must be some kind of emergency?
"You really answer the door like?" His question had me looking down to see what he meant.
"Like what?" I looked back up to him in confusion, not seeing any problem with how I was.
"Nothing. Never mind. Yah, everything's fine." He came back around to answer my original question as he shoved his hands in his front pant pockets. He was out of his uniform but still wore his tight black undershirt with a usual pair of jeans paired with a belt.
"Good. Then what brings you here?" I shifted on one leg, confused. He just stared at me, as if he was reconsidering the reason. I was starting to get uneasy as his eyes swept over my body one more time.
"Screw it. I'll just get this out of the way. Are we good?" His body language told me that this was the last conversation he wants to be having, but clearly he thought it was important enough to bring up.
"Uh…" I blinked at him a few times, surprised by his forwardness.
"Because I'm ok as long as you are. There's no hard feelings or anything." I could tell he was trying to sound nonchalant, but it wasn't really working. I had to hand it to him though. He was at least here, forcing the two of us to have this unpleasant conversation. Something I didn't think I would be able to do.
"I don't have a problem, Havoc. I can be professional, and I know you can too." I answered with all the resolve I could find.
"Ok…Good." My answer didn't seem to satisfy him. He tried to hide it, but I saw it. I figured that would have ended this, but he remained standing there like he had more to say. I waited a moment longer, waiting to see if he would budge.
"Is that all you stopped by for or…" I decided to press. He bounced on his toes a few times. He looked like he had a lot on his mind that he was trying to keep in.
"Look." He looked to the ground while removing his hands from his pockets and placed them on his hips. "I'm all for being professional but…" His pause had me bracing for the worst. "I was hoping we could try the whole friend thing." My shocked expression let him know that that's not what I was expecting him to say. He looked back down to the ground, as if he couldn't get out the rest if he was looking at me. "I figured it's been long enough and was thinking it would be less awkward if we just accepted our situation and moved passed it?" He finally brought his gaze back up to me.
Now I was the one to look away. I agreed with him. To a certain extent. It would be nice to move pass any awkward state. True it's been years, but it's not like we had all this time to heal around each other. How exactly do we move pass this?
"I would like that." I look to him with a heartfelt smile. I was willing to at least give it a try. Maybe it was the direction we needed to truly move on?
"Ok." His smile was sincere. Like he got the answer he was hoping for, and a weight was lifted from his chest. "That's all. That's what I came over for." He took a few steps back towards my walkway.
"Ok. I'm glad you did." I said, genuinely. He gave me a single quick nod in agreement. "Have a good night, Havoc. Get home safe."
"You too." He said before I shut the door on him. I rested my forehead on the door and let out a well needed long breath. I realized my heart had been racing the entire time. I couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle from how much lighter I felt now. I turned away from the door to head back into the kitchen to start dinner for myself when another, softer knock came from my door.
I turned back to the door, even more confused now. I took the few steps back towards it and looked through the peep hole again. My heart picking up pace again seeing it was still Havoc. I lowered myself from the peephole and took in a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves as my mind raced to figure out what else he could want.
I opened the door with a questioning look directed right at him, hoping I was masking the anxiety I was feeling. He had both of his hands resting on my doorframe as he leaned forward. He was looking to the ground with a serious expression but when we locked eyes, he had that nostalgic boyish grin of his that had my legs going numb.
"I was thinking…" Him biting his lower lip as he paused did nothing for my nerves. "To really seal the deal of our friendship and make sure we don't go back to awkward encounters…I was hoping you would join me for dinner?" This man was full of surprises tonight.
"Um…" I honestly didn't know how to answer.
"Breda and Catalina will be there too. Sorry. Should've been the first thing I said." He removed his hands from the doorframe to hold them up in front of him like he was talking down someone from the ledge. I couldn't help but let out a laugh from this whole situation. Havoc joined in my soft laughter, finally breaking the tension that's been between us the whole day.
"Sure. I'd like that. Just let me get changed really quick." I opened the door completely and stepped to the side, offering him to come in.
"How quick are we talking? Actual quick or '30 minutes later' quick?" He asked jokingly, as if this wasn't going to be the most awkward night.
"Well. Considering the last-minute invite, I think I'm entitled to at least 30 minutes." I teased back, hoping that I wouldn't put too much thought or worry into getting ready. His amused expression gave me the impression that he was experiencing some kind of nostalgia and it had my heart fumbling. "Well…make yourself at home." I gesture to my living room area and walk to my open bedroom door.
Standing in the threshold, I realized something, turning back around to find him examining the room. "Unless, you want to meet there instead?" I don't know why I automatically assumed we were going to go there together? I also invited him into my house with no real thought either. Embarrassment from my unknowing forwardness crept onto my cheeks. That nostalgic look softened when he looked to me.
"No worries. I'll wait for you." He said so casually, yet it had my eyes widening from my heart stopping from the imaginary double meaning my mind was playing on me. I promptly shut the door without giving him a response, telling myself that I'm being naïve.
I went to my closet with no idea what to change into. I have to keep telling myself to not put too much thought into it. Of all the times for Fischer to not be around. She's been dying to dress me up since her first week on the team. No. No. Stay on track. It's just a casual dinner to catch up with friends that I haven't seen in years. Friends. That's it. So why is my heart racing hard?
I grabbed the sixth item my hand touched, refusing to let any fantasies run wild in my head. It was the most basic white t-shirt I owned. Perfect. A pair of jeans should be just fine, and I'll have to wear my work boots as I still haven't located the box with all my shoes. After contemplating it for a bit too long, I decided it wouldn't be too much if I applied some make-up. I checked myself out in the body length mirror that came with the house and was satisfied. My hair was still wet, but I figured it would dry along the way.
I opened my bedroom door and walked out to find Havoc facing the wall with the display of pictures I had easily found and hung. They were in a small box that I took with me from location to location, adding to it each time from my travels. I had bought a camera before leaving 4 years ago, wanting to capture as much of my adventures as I could.
It was a good mixture of the full team and singular ones of myself. I haven't had the heart to find the few photos from the past. Not yet at least. I took a few steps forward, which prompt him to turn around to acknowledge me. His expression seemed content, but I couldn't help but notice a sadness hidden behind his eyes. I stood beside him, shaking it off and telling myself that I'm only seeing things. There's no reason for him to be sad. Right?
"Seems like you had a good time?" He asked, facing the pictures again. I looked to them as well, a smile creeping on my lips as I leapt into the memories.
"For the most part." I softly said not wanting to elaborate as I searched for one specific picture. "This one is my favorite." I found it and pointed to it. It was the third picture with the team together. Fischer had just joined us maybe a few weeks ago and we were about to be sent off to our next location.
Apparently, Becker had convinced Fischer to 'ruin' this one and do something goofy without telling me about it. Koch was poised as his usual self. Stoic with hands in his pockets as if this was the last thing he wanted to be doing. It probably was too. Granted this was the only photo that caught the slightest bit of a smile from him. Fischer had her tongue stuck out, with one finger pulling down the lower part of her eye with a wide grin in place. Becker was busy messing up my hair with the biggest grin that showed how much fun he was having, dodging my hand swatting at him. I was in the middle of yelling at him, knowing that the shutter was going to go off any moment. Despite the fact that I was annoyed I still had a small smile, capturing who my team was in essence. Yes. This was my favorite picture.
"I can see why." Havoc said with a quiet sad smile. He left the photo and looked at a few others before turning to me. "I'll take it you're ready?" He gave me a quick once over. I brought my arms up to show off my plain outfit and did a spin as if it was the best thing I ever put together.
"As I'll ever be." That got a chuckle out of him, and we walked toward the front door. I grabbed my wallet that was sitting on the entry way table and we both exited, locking the door behind us. We walked side by side; his hands were shoved in his front pockets and mine clutched onto my wallet. I might have stated that I was ready…but in actuality, I wasn't.
"You're hairs gotten longer." He said softly, almost to himself. I gave him a quick look before bringing my gaze to my hair as I brushed my fingers through it.
"Yah. I hardly have it down anymore. It's too much of a pain to deal with but…I haven't the heart to chop it off." I said with a playful guilt. I examined him real fast, almost in my peripheral, to see if there was anything different about him. "Your beard's grown in nice." That's it? That's all I could come up with. To be fair, not much has changed with him. At least not physically.
"Thanks. I'm kinda on the same wavelength as you though." He lightly scratched his beard a few times and I had the sudden urge to do the same. I really wanted to know how soft or coarse it was. "I keep thinking I should shave it and start all over but…I can never seem to commit to the idea."
We walked for a long time without saying anything. The silence was starting to eat at me, and I was desperately trying to think of something, anything to talk about. We used to talk for hours and never seemed to run out of anything to say. One topic would always lead into another but now we were practically like two strangers who know nothing about each other. Now all we can do is talk about our body hair and have nothing more? Maybe we need to go about this a certain way? Perhaps we're just two new people who just need to get to know one another…again?
I don't know what triggered it but in this moment, my brain decided to remind me of a problem that I had.
I stopped in place as I opened my wallet, praying that there was going to be money inside. Havoc had taken a few paces ahead of me before he realized I was no longer walking beside him. He turned around to find me staring into the emptiness of my wallet. I haven't had the time to pull out more money. I had a few paper bills, but it wasn't going to be enough for dinner. The last few big bills I had, I spent on groceries. I snapped my wallet shut and cursed myself for my incompetence.
"Everything ok?" Havoc asked as he took the few steps back towards me, hands still in his pockets.
"No, I…" I felt so embarrassed I almost couldn't get the next words out. "Unfortunately, I actually can't do dinner." I looked to him to see that he had an eyebrow cocked, silently asking me why. "I forgot I already spent all my money on groceries. I just realized that I only have a few bills and that I was going to go pull out more tomorrow. Sorry. Rain check?" I sheepishly asked.
"You goof." An amused smirk was etched on his face. "I was gonna pay for you anyways. As a welcome back present." I was surprised by his answer and my reflexive response was to say no but…this did give me the opportunity to ask a certain question. He looked at me suspiciously as I'm sure my hesitation to my question was noticed.
"Ok, now I'm going to be the one to get this out of the way." I let out a long breath. "I'm not asking this for any suspicious reasons but…do you have a girlfriend?" My heart was practically pumping itself into my throat as I waited for his answer. He paused for a long time, as if debating what my true intentions are for this question. He finally let out a laugh through his nose and looking down as he shuffled his feet.
"Ok, um...I'm kinda curious as to where that question came from?" An amused smirk still played on his lips as he looked back up to me. More embarrassment heated my cheeks from him probing for an explanation.
"It's just…" I prayed that this came out the way I wanted and not that I was trying to figure out his dating status for any favorable reason. "It's just that if we were dating and you bought another girl dinner-" I stopped myself as horrifying embarrassment grasped my chest. After thinking about what to say…how is it that, that is what came out of my mouth? No matter, because it caused Havoc to let out a quick but erupted laugh which slowly grew into full blown laughter. His laugh sent me back. I haven't heard it in so long…
"This is what I was hoping for." He said as he let out another laugh.
"Excuse me?" I was all sorts of confused.
"This is what I wanted tonight to be. Us getting all the weird and awkward conversations and moments out of the way. I was hoping if we did then maybe we can worry about being just friends." He settled his laugh and looked to me endearingly. "We dated. It didn't work. Nothing more to it." He stated as if that was that, chapter closed.
"Oh…" My cheeks remained warm as I decided that his idea was probably a good one.
"And no." We caught eyes again as he clarified his answer. "I don't have a girlfriend, so don't worry about me treating you to dinner as old pals." He gestured for us to continue on our way, and I obliged by walking next to him again.
I ignored the warmth his answer brought me. It wouldn't have made a difference if he did have a girlfriend. Like he said. We dated. It didn't work. Nothing more to it.
Except it was much more than that. We were in love and our end didn't happen because it didn't work. We were working and that was the hardest part to get over. I ruined everything we had by accepting Grumman's offer. What we had was everything and I threw it away. I have come to regret my decision for years now but have always masked the regret with keeping my nose down in work or meaningless one-night stands for the real bad nights.
"What about you?" His question snapped me out of my deep, depressing thoughts.
"What?" I looked to him as I wasn't exactly sure what he meant.
"Do you have one? A boyfriend, I mean."
"Oh, um…no. No boyfriend." I looked back ahead, trying not to find a reasonable explanation as to why he asked that.
"Seeing anyone?" His rather specific question caught my interests. He seemed more curious on my relationship status than I did of his.
"Not at the moment." I tried to not smile as my open-ended answer left his prying unsatisfied. ~
Continued…
End of Chapter 32
Thanks for reading! 😊
Sorry for the long chapter…I probably could've broken it up into three parts but I'm doing it in two lol