Chapter 6
When Steve gets home, looking him in the eye it's harder than before. I realize I've gotten paranoid and can't stop reading second meanings into every little thing he says. He asks me what I did during the day and I immediately think 'he knows'. He talks about the Berlin wall and I nearly spit out the water I'm drinking, thinking 'maybe he saw the moving picture'. He tells me he needs to get a shower after dinner, and I'm suddenly a fucking mess. My mind is all over the place.
We eat mostly in silence, and I can't unglue my eyes from my own plate. When he reaches for my arm over the table, I jump in my seat like a fucking idiot and pull away as if he burned me. He looks hurt about it, like I just insulted him or something, and that only makes it worse. I can't come up with a good excuse, so I just tell him that I'm sorry. "Don't know why, man. I've been kinda jumpy all day" is the best thing I can think about. I can tell he's not buying it, but what else can I say? 'Sorry, Stevie, apparently I'm a sodomistic homosexual and can't force myself to stop thinking about you' doesn't really seem like something I should ever say out loud.
I get away as quickly and politely as I can and pretty much lock myself in the room after dinner. He gets in the shower, and I'm trying really hard to stop picturing him under the water, but the image keeps coming back to me, over and over again.
It doesn't take much time for me to realize that this isn't going anywhere. 'This is just about him being the only person I speak to' my ass! I'm way past that excuse by now. I'm into him. Oh, god, I'm really into him.
I hear him turning off the water and then coming out of the bathroom and I hold my breath, as if he could notice what I'm thinking by the way I breathe. He knocks softly on the door and I hide my head in my hands and try to sound natural "Yeah?", he takes a second to reply. "Hey, man. Want to watch a movie?" he says softly and I close my eyes. "Not tonight, buddy, I think I'll pass".
I see his shadow moving on the light at the bottom of the door, and I know he's hesitating. "Can I come in for a second?" he asks even more quietly. I take a moment, breathe deeply a few times, and then throw a "sure". After all, it's his fucking room. He opens the door slowly, and just takes a few small steps in.
"Are you alright, Buck? You didn't seem like yourself at dinner", he whispers into the unlit room. His silhouette is dark, cut out of shadows covering the light, just the opposite as it should be: he's all light in a world full of darkness, not the other way around. I swallow hard and realize that I've spent too long without answering. "I'm OK, man. Don't worry about it". I force a smile, even if he can't see it.
He nods and stands in silence for a moment. I think he's about to leave, but then he speaks again. "Can I ask you for something?" his voice has turned fragile. "Of course, man. Anything". I suspect that he has no idea about the truth behind that word, how much I'd give up for him, how far I'd go. It takes a minute for him to speak again, but I don't pressure him. I kinda need the time too. "If you're thinking about… If you ever decide to leave… please don't do it without me knowing, OK? Just let me say goodbye to you this time… please?"
My mind stops dead in its tracks. His words took me by surprise and I can't think of anything to say. "OK" I whisper and he nods, turns and leaves, before I can say anything else. 'I'm not leaving you' my brain provides way too late. 'I'd never leave you' my heart adds, and I cover my eyes again. I'm not just into Steve, I'm in love with him. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I stare at the ceiling for hours, hearing the way he turns in his bed, completely restless, and I think about it. I'm a sick fuck, that's for sure. Not just for loving a man the way I should love a woman, but because he doesn't even know about my feelings and they're already hurting him. He thinks that I want to leave, he thinks I won't even say goodbye.
'I need to stop this' I think, and immediately realize the impossibility of that plan. 'I need to hide it better' I propose instead, and that seems a lot more reasonable.
When the morning arrives, I open my eyes and feel like I haven't slept all night. I can't remember my nightmares, but based on the aching hole I feel in my chest, I'm pretty sure they had something to do with Steve. Those are always the worst ones.
I try to figure out if he's awake, but I can't hear him anywhere in the apartment. I look at the nightstand's clock. The glowing red lights say it's 8:13 am. I think maybe he overslept, but that's really not like him. Lately he's been going for runs in the morning, just a few hours at a time, enough for me to shower and make something for us to eat, but he always lets me know before leaving. Maybe he decided I was too much of a mess last night, and he's already gone.
I get up and walk around the apartment. I can't find Steve, but there's a note on the table that reads: "I have to go talk to a friend today, won't be home until lunch. See you then".
Man, I really screwed things up. I wish I could just make this disappear, get back to normal, to being comfortable around him and not confused, to being able to touch him without getting weird ideas.
Maybe the internet will be able to help me. Steve said that everyone put their opinions and knowledge in there, so maybe there's someone who can help me. There has to be more people with this problem, right?
I take the lap computer and sit on the couch - which is closed today- I type 'men with men' in the little white box, and my eyes go wide. There's pictures, articles, opinions. I click on an article titled 'Men who have sex with men' expecting it to give me some insights on how to stop it… but it doesn't. As I read, I slowly realize that it's not talking about it like it's a bad thing. Not at all. It just has a scientific approach.
'They may identify as gay, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or heterosexual'. I have no idea what half those things are, but I'll look it up later. Then the article mentions numbers. "3 to 16% of all men?" I say out loud. At first it doesn't seem like much, but then I do the math. If there's roughly a couple billion people in the world, and about half of them are male, then 10% of one billion would be… "100 million people?" I almost scream. The possibility that it might actually be something normal is starting to get into my chest, and it kinda tickles.
I keep reading and my heart goes right to my throat when I get to the next title. 'Sexual practices'. I swallow with a dry mouth and start reading everything there is to read. Each word brings new ideas to my mind. I can feel myself getting hard just imagining the stuff I'm reading about. It all sounds really technical and almost has a medical approach, but that doesn't keep me from picturing myself doing those things with Steve.
I open a new search and write 'homosexual sex'. There's videos, pictures, articles, even books. Fucking books written to explain how to enjoy it. Books with authors who sign their names. Not a crime, not shameful, it's just… normal now.
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way for Steve of all men, but it kinda helps to know it's not considered as a bad thing anymore. I wonder if you could see two guys holding hands on the streets or going on dates in public places and stuff like that. That'd be nice.
By the time Steve gets back, I'm already done with my searches. I had to take a not-so-innocent shower again, but other than that, the morning's been pretty calmed. I made some food to wait for him, and we ate when he arrived.
He doesn't say much during the whole meal, and I wonder if he's still upset because of the way I acted last night. I try to act extra normal now, just to compensate, but he's not giving me much to work with. When we finish clearing the table, I ask him if he wants to watch a movie, and he shakes his head.
"No, man, sit down for a bit, I need to talk to you". I can immediately feel the heat going up my chest, and the cold creeping down my limbs. 'He knows' I think, and I have to physically restrain myself from apologizing before he starts speaking. I do my best to try and stay calm and repeat to myself that I've done nothing wrong. Just some stupid meaningless fantasies, nothing harmful.
"There's something I didn't tell you. Someone I didn't mention before", he starts. I think he's talking about a girlfriend, and brace myself to pretend like it's no big deal, to tell him there's no reason for him to share something like that with me, but he breathes deeply and then continues. "Buck, one of the avengers is Tony Stark".
I frown, and look at him in disbelief. It doesn't take long for me to tie the loose ends. Howard Stark's son. I almost feel like it would've been better if he just said that he had a secret girlfriend.
"I went to talk to him today" he adds, almost as a confession, and I swallow hard, hiding my head in my hands. "What did you tell him?" I ask quietly through clenched teeth. I dare to look at him when he doesn't answer, and his eyes tell me what I need to know. What I would've preferred not knowing. He told him I'm the one who killed his parents. The one who murdered them without hesitation.
My eyes fill with tears. I dream about them sometimes, Howard talking to Steve when we were taking down Hydra's bases, and then me dragging him out of the car, his wife screaming and begging for me to stop. I shake my head. "I need to leave" I say quickly and stand up to get on with it, but Steve blocks my path.
"Buck, wait" I try to go around him, but he stops me again. I resist the impulse of pushing him out of the way but I know I can't be here anymore "Listen to me, I didn't do it so that you would have to leave"
"Were you expecting for him to tolerate me being here? For him to be friends with me? I murdered his mom and dad, Steve. There's no coming back from that!"
"No, you didn't", he replies, and I scoff. "You're delusional, man. Want me to get the photos from the file for you?" he shakes his head and tries to speak, but I just raise my voice to cover his. "Because I can get them. No problem. They're pretty fucking clear. There's a nice shot of his mom's corpse with the bruises I left on her neck, and one of his dad's with his face-"
"Bucky, stop" he snaps, almost yelling. I shut up and look at him like I don't know who he is. "How could you even let me be here?"
"Sit the fuck down and let me explain" he says in a low authoritative tone. I look at him for a moment, and then do what he asks. I decide I can always leave later.
"I didn't tell him so you'd have to leave, I did it because I wanted you to stay". I look at him frowning. "Look, man, as much as I like having you here all to myself, I know it's not right. You'll have to start going places sooner or later, doing things, meeting people. And I knew it would only be a matter of time before you two would find out about each other".
"And I care about you. Both of you, so I had to come clean to you guys. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I needed him to understand what's really going on" he pauses and I shake my head.
"It's only a matter of time before he calls the cops on me. You know how many crimes I've committed while working for Hydra? The murders on my file aren't even the tip of the iceberg, man", he's shaking his head, "And they'll get you too. Aiding and abetting a fugitive. I have to leave, Steve".
"No, you don't. He's upset, but I trust him. He won't say anything"
"What the hell am I even doing here?" I say while I run my hands through my hair. It's clearly a rhetorical question, but he answers anyway. "You're with me" he says simply, and everything goes quiet for a moment.
He looks at me with kind eyes. "Bucky, the things that happened to you, what you did… you weren't in control. You couldn't help it". I shake my head again.
"You could've told me you knew him" I whisper. "Could've told me you were gonna talk to him"
"He's my friend, man. I couldn't keep lying to him" I breathe deeply, I should've known Stevie wouldn't be able to handle lying. He doesn't give me time to reply. "And you're my friend too. I couldn't keep hiding you as if you'd done something wrong. You haven't. You're as much of a victim as the people they forced you to kill, Buck".
His words catch me by surprise, and I can't think of anything to say for a long minute. I can feel my eyes watering, and the knot that has lodged in my throat.
"You really believe that?" I finally whisper. He puts his hand on my knee and lowers his gaze to look at me in the eye as he speaks. "Of course I do", he says, and I have to look away. The pure honesty in his voice, the blind trust in his eyes… they're overwhelming. A bit more than I can handle. Much more than I deserve.
"I still did it," I say quietly. "He won't be able to ignore that. You can't ask him for something like that". I finally look at him again.
"I didn't" he answers decisively. "I told him the truth. Let him know that it wasn't your fault and offered my discharge from the team. They're thinking about it, considering it". My eyes go wide. "What? You can't do that"
"It's already done" I cover my face with both hands. "I'm not worth all of this, Steve" I say, my fingers muffling my words. "Buck, I already lost you once. I'm not about to do it again. If they can't handle you being here, then it's their problem, not mine". I'm about to cry, but I try to control myself. "You can't give up on everyone you love because of me", I whisper, knowing that this battle is lost. Steve won't let me give up right now. And I never really wanted to leave, so it's really a sweet defeat. He smiles. He fucking smiles at me and looks at me in a way I want to keep with me forever. Has anyone ever looked at me like that before?
He lets a long moment pass in silence, and then he says "Till the end of the line, pal" and I can't help smiling back.
We don't hear anything back from them for the next few weeks. They sure are taking their sweet time to decide whether they still want Steve with them or not. But they don't send the police or the special forces either, so that's good news.
Steve keeps running during the mornings and training in the afternoons. After thinking about it for some time, I decide that I'm probably not gonna lose control if I do a bit of training myself, so I start to do it while he's out. I quickly discover that their control over me lies in my mind, and probably not my body. Using force, punching stuff, practicing my reflexes, none of it acts as a trigger, not even remotely. That's huge news, because I really needed something to blow off some steam. Steve's getting more and more used to having me around and that means he's getting closer, talking about more personal stuff, and I can barely keep myself from crossing lines that I know I shouldn't.
He falls asleep one night while we're watching a movie, and I look at him for a moment before deciding I'm a fucking creep and getting up. "Buck?" he says as soon as I start moving, his voice is pasty and half asleep. I look at him again.
"Stay with me" he asks, and I don't know if he's talking about tonight or if he's dreaming and worrying about me leaving. Either way my heart melts. "To sleep?" I ask, my voice strangled, and he nods. "For a little while. Just you and me" he says, and I swallow hard. He's making it really hard for me to lie to myself saying that I'm not in love with him. Really fucking hard.
I lie down next to him again, on my stomach and facing him, and I could swear there's a small shadow of a smile on his lips. I think maybe he's just messing with me, but that'd be so unlike him. He's never been the kind of person to laugh at someone's feelings or make a joke out of them. So I take a deep breath and try to relax. I concentrate on his even, deep breathing, and I'm out in no time.
I dream about him again, but this time is not a nightmare, but a memory. We're in a theater, watching a movie in black and white. It's his birthday, so I bought the tickets. He says he needs to go to the bathroom and comes back with popcorn. It's enough for the both of us, and I smile and shake my head. 'You couldn't let me invite you, could you?' I say, and he smiles. He has such a nice smile.
When I wake up it takes a moment for the feeling of the dream to dissipate, but then I slowly remember that I'm with Steve and the feeling comes right back. I hadn't slept so well in a long time. There's so many nightmares every night, and he managed to get them all away just by being there.
I slowly open my eyes and look at him. He's got his hand resting over mine, and my heart goes wild as soon as I notice. I will myself not to read too much into it, but I can't help my body's reaction. Luckily, I'm still on my stomach and safely under the covers, so even if he woke up, he wouldn't be able to tell.
I breathe deeply and I try to think clearly. I just left my hand in the middle of the bed, and he was going for a similar position but opposite of me. He moved in his sleep, nothing more. It doesn't mean a thing.
I slowly pull my hand out from underneath his, because I feel like I might just burst into flames if I don't, and then sit on the edge of the bed slowly, trying my best not to wake him.
As much as I'd like to stay, I know I can't be here with him, being like this. It feels like betraying his trust. He thinks he's sleeping innocently with a friend, and all I can think about is that hand of his running all over the rest of my body, and I just can't do this to him. Or to myself. Being so close to him and not being able to do anything about it is too much. So much that it should be classified as a form of torture.
It's still early, so I quietly go to the bedroom and lie down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I don't do anything about my… state, because it kinda feels like using him, or maybe abusing him. So I just try to calm down and I think about everything long and hard as I listen to him getting up and dressed. He goes out the door and I feel like I can finally breathe again.
One thing is for sure: I can't keep doing this to him, I need to tell him the truth.