EPOV
So many years of working hard, studying, and keeping my nose clean have finally paid off. Making Chief is just the first step in my goals for my Naval career. I don't have incredibly high aspirations, but it feels really nice to finally be able to check this one off my list.
I told Bella first, and then we called my parents; Mom first, then Dad. They were both so happy for me, and they both promised they'd come out for my pinning ceremony. Our friends have been so supportive, and they helped us celebrate the weekend after I found out. Now, it's just a short waiting game to figure out if I'll be stationed somewhere else or if I'll stay on my current ship and go on deployment with them next year and serve as Chief of my division then.
Bella wants to know what lies ahead for us, and I hate that I can't answer all of her questions. I've put in my preferences, but I've told her that sometimes it's just not possible to accommodate based on the needs of the fleet.
I know she understands, and I know she's spoken to her boss. She's been very transparent about the situation, and he's made it clear that while he would hate to lose her, he'll help her find a placement within their company in another location, if it's possible.
It oddly feels like everything is falling into place for us; we've worked hard for all of it, and I won't let anything ruin it for us.
"Why do you feel like you have to say that? That you won't let anything ruin what's going on in your life?" The VA social worker that I've been seeing, Peter, used to bug the ever-living shit out of me.
I only saw him as this condescending asshole who would literally just parrot back to me my last sentence in the form of a question. He was so annoying until I realized that he was doing it to rile me up to help me express my feelings until I got comfortable.
"I worry because it feels like any time I, or in my relationship with Bella, we get to a really good spot, something sneaks up and tests us." I'm fiddling with my cover when Peter clears his throat. I look up, placing my hat aside.
"There are always going to be issues that arise to test relationships, Edward. The true test of your relationship is how you and Bella face them together." I nod because I know this now. "How are you doing with the notion of forgiving the people in your past who've hurt you?"
Peter is referring to Makenna, my parents, and the wild way my friendship with Jake ended. He believes that if I can resolve my feelings for these past hurts, I can, in time, forgive myself for how I treated the women I used over the last few years.
"I actually got both my parents on the phone together with me. It was a constructive conversation. They used me against each other so much when they both agreed that it was childish of them to do that. They haven't been in the same room together since I graduated high school, but they're coming for my pinning." I tell him as he jots down some notes.
"And Makenna?" His eyebrow twitches because he got a full-blown Makenna-induced panic attack in our second session.
"I can't forgive what she did. I just … I know I should be able to, but right now, in a stable relationship and the happiest I've ever been, I can't do it." Sighing, I stand to pace the room. "She broke something in me, and I'm trying to fix it, but I just always wonder if …" I trail off, not wanting to put my thoughts into actual words.
"You wonder if Bella will do the same thing. If you should deploy or change duty stations, you wonder if she'll be loyal to you." Peter sets his notepad to the side. "Edward, it's natural for you to wonder and worry about that, but you know Bella better than anyone and certainly better than me. Is she capable of that? You said yourself that she wanted you to get help for yourself, not for her. Have you spoken to her about this?"
"No, but I don't think she'd be surprised." I grasp the back of the chair I vacated. "How do I move past this?"
Peter shrugs, "Maybe you don't. Regardless, you have to own whatever feelings you do have, and you have to tell Bella how you're feeling."
By the end of the session, he emails my doc about lowering the dosage of my antidepressant, and I make a plan to tell Bella how I'm feeling. Because things are good, and as I said, I won't let anything or anyone ruin it.