Chapter 11 – Secrets

Author's Note: I am so sorry about the ending. I truly am. :'(

WARNING: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts/feelings, blood, and general darkness!

~ Amina Gila

Obi-Wan enters the room hesitantly, uncertain if he's really prepared to see Anakin, to see the truth of everything laid out in front of him. This – if Anakin went this far without Obi-Wan even realizing or doing anything to help him, isn't it, in part, at least, his fault? How much responsibly does he bear for this?

Anakin is lying on the bed, still unconscious. His robes from the waist up have been removed, and he's attached to a heart monitor, an IV in his left arm. His skin is still marred with pale scars from the electrocution he suffered at Sidious' hands on Mandalore, scars which will likely never fully fade. He's lucky he wasn't killed from it. What really stand out, however, is the dark, blue-purple bruise on his upper left arm, vaguely shaped like a hand, and it makes Obi-Wan sick to see it, because he's seen Anakin break wood, and even bones, with his prosthetic.

How much pressure did he apply to his arm to get such an obvious injury?

Above it, are two still-healing blaster bolt burns. Kix had mentioned it, that Anakin hadn't been treating injuries he received on missions. Hearing it is one thing. Seeing it is far worse. It digs into him, glaring proof of how much he must have failed his former Padawan if Anakin thought that he couldn't come to him to talk to him if something was troubling him so deeply. Why – how could he have ever resorted to this?

Looking more closely, Obi-Wan can see white scars on Anakin's left forearm, though he can't quite tell how many are from… Anakin, and how many are from lightning. Several are stark and vivid enough that he can only assume they were… intentional, as opposed to accidental. Bacta heals injuries rapidly, and the scars shouldn't look like that if they were an accident, and if Anakin had actually treated them.

He wants to say something, but he doesn't even know what. He has no idea how to approach this situation, how to handle it. All he can feel is a numb, consuming horror, that this was happening for – for months probably, if not longer, and he had no idea. Ahsoka figured out before he did, but only because Anakin slipped up.

He thinks he should have done something, said something much sooner. On Mandalore, a month ago, he had noticed how different Anakin was being. He's tried, so many times, to get Anakin to talk to him, but it never helped, and it makes him wonder if he should have tried harder. He should have done something different, at any rate, so Anakin wouldn't have suffered so long. Seeing him like this, it's so obvious that he's hurting, and not only because of the… self-inflicted injuries; he has lost some weight, and even like this, unconscious, he doesn't look peaceful.

Obi-Wan wants to help, but he has no idea how. And more than that, he doesn't know how receptive Anakin will even be to his help. Still, he won't back down. He won't let Anakin push him away. Somehow, they'll figure this out. Together.

**w**

When Anakin awakens, he first senses Ahsoka's head resting on the bed next to him, montrals digging into his right side. "Snips?" he mumbles, trying to force his mouth to work properly to form the word. The last thing he remembers, they were in the warehouse… It had been a trap; he realizes it now. Much of his memory is hazy, but he thinks he remembers the clones coming and stunning them, or Ahsoka at least. Perhaps he'd slipped into unconsciousness from hitting his head one too many times.

"Skyguy!" Her head pops up so fast that he nearly smiles, though any amusement disappears when he sees her wide blue eyes, filled with unmistakable sadness. What happened? And why are they here, in the Halls of Healing? He thought they would be arrested and locked in a prison cell until the Council could figure out what to do with him, with them.

"I'm glad you're awake."

Anakin turns so quickly towards the sound of Obi-Wan's voice that he nearly becomes dizzy. He blinks past it, focusing on his former master's face. Obi-Wan also seems to be oddly sad, and for the life of him, Anakin can't figure out why. "What's going on?" he asks, voice raspy from being unconscious for a while, at least he assumes it's been a while.

"What do you remember?" queries Obi-Wan.

"Going to the warehouse," Anakin offers, turning his head so he's staring up at the ceiling.

Slowly, awareness fully filters in – did they put him on pain medication or something? – and he realizes, to his horror, that his robes have been removed, leaving his skin bare from the waist up. And… no. His arm. He twists, glancing briefly at the purple bruises marring his skin and the scars too prominent to be accidental. His stomach plummets somewhere down to his feet. It was a secret that he'd sworn to take to the grave. He's never wanted anyone to know how pathetic he was – Padme assures him that being depressed isn't a weakness, but he can't quite accept that – and now, they know. They can't know. They can't know this dark secret of his.

He tries to move, but with the IV in his arm, it's not really an option.

"Anakin, stop," Obi-Wan practically pleads, grabbing his arm to hold him still. "It's alright."

"'S not," he insists desperately, trying to yank himself away. He doesn't want anyone to see. No one can know. What must they think of him now?

"Master, please." Ahsoka's voice is small and shaking, and that alone, the knowledge that his Padawan is upset, is enough to make him calm down, if only marginally.

"Let go," he croaks, closing his eyes, unwilling to see when they reject him or call him out for being so weak. They know now, exactly how bad of a Jedi he is. Obi-Wan must be so disappointed in him, even more than he was before. He swallows past his despair, holding the tears flooding his eyes at bay through sheer willpower. His deepest, darkest secret has been outed, and he has no idea how to react now.

"What… happened?" Obi-Wan asks, almost hesitantly, and that alone is strange enough to make Anakin pay attention to him, though he refuses to look at him or Ahsoka. He doesn't think he can handle it right now, not after this… revelation, which is making him feel way too exposed. He hates it. "How did this happen?"

And Anakin doesn't even know what to say to that; he doesn't know that he even wants to answer lest he reveal exactly how much of a failure he is. "I am… weak," he answers bluntly, the words feeling as though they're being painfully wrenched from him. "It has helped."

Ahsoka makes a quiet noise of protest, and Obi-Wan looks at her, a silent exchange passing between them. She says nothing, only taking his hand, his prosthetic one, and squeezing it tightly in both of hers, not letting go. "When did this start?" Obi-Wan persists.

"I don't want to talk about it," he gripes, glaring at the ceiling as if it personally offended him.

"Anakin…" Obi-Wan's voice trails off, and Anakin registers that he sounds unbearably sad, though he's shielding himself well. He nearly jumps when he feels Obi-Wan's hand brush against his cheek before gently stroking back his hair. He could cry at how gentle his former master is being, at the touch, and he hates himself for wishing for more, for wanting Obi-Wan to – to hug him and tell him that he cares. He shouldn't feel that way, because it's not the Jedi way, but he does.

He's weak.

"Please?" Obi-Wan whispers, his touch still lingering. Anakin leans into it slightly despite himself, closing his eyes and saying nothing.

What can he even say? That thinking he lost Obi-Wan broke something inside of him? That realizing how little his master cares about and trusts him gutted him entirely, leaving him shattered and empty?

He – he understands why the mission was necessary in the first place, but he doesn't know that he will ever truly be able to accept it or let go of what happened. Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, he feels like he's still back there, drowning in the darkness, in the emptiness, in the knowledge that the one person who gave his life meaning was gone, because he wasn't strong enough. It was all a lie, but that doesn't make it any better or easier. That doesn't mean that he didn't go to Obi-Wan's funeral and think that it was all over for him then.

He can't explain, not to Obi-Wan, not to Ahsoka either. She would understand, far more than his former master at any rate, but Anakin would never burden her with that. She is his responsibility, his to care for; he won't tell her his problems, much less ask for her help.

The silence lingers, bitter and painful, and Anakin doesn't break it. He can't. He's tired of it all, of trying and trying only to fail. He's tired of being too weak, of never being good enough or strong enough. He's – he… he wants it all to stop, even if that means dying. It almost scares him. Almost. He's too tired for his sudden, overwhelming fascination with death to trouble him.

Obi-Wan sighs, resigned, finally pulling his hand back from Anakin's head, and Anakin misses the touch instantly, no matter how light it may have been. "I only wish you would talk to me," he says, and Anakin cannot figure out what emotion his tone is conveying.

I only wish you would listen, Anakin thinks bitterly, his organic fingers clenching in the bedding covering the lower half of his body. And even then, even if Obi-Wan would listen without castigating him, Anakin doesn't know if he would have the strength or courage to speak.

"Anakin…" Obi-Wan prompts again, his tone saying more than words ever could. He's worried and upset, and Anakin hates knowing that he's the cause of that.

"I have nothing to say, Master," he manages to say, past the flood of emotions that are choking him, "Nothing at all."

"Nothing," he echoes, raising a dubious, incredulous eyebrow. "Well clearly."

Anakin nearly flinches, but he doesn't break his silence either. After all, what could he even say? Hold me, he wants to say. Don't let me go. I need to know that you're real. Obi-Wan wouldn't understand though, so Anakin won't even try. He can feel his former master looking at him, but he feels too ashamed to meet his gaze.

"If you want to talk to me, I am here, Anakin," Obi-Wan says at last, standing. "I need to speak with the Council. I'll tell Kix you're awake, so he can check you over and discharge you." He gives Anakin a lingering look before leaving the room.

"Master…" Ahsoka murmurs, squeezing his hand again.

After a pause, he looks at her. Her eyes are dimmed with sorrow. "What is it, little one?"

Her eyes flicker towards his arm, but she looks away quickly, meeting his gaze again. "I… I'm sorry that you… feel this way," she offers, uncertain. "I wish you didn't. I hope you will… feel better soon."

It's wholly unexpected, and he feels caught off-guard. "Me too, Ahsoka. I will be fine."

She doesn't believe him, but she doesn't argue, either, and they sit in silence until Kix comes to check Anakin over, officially discharging him. Once he's dressed in his Jedi robes again, feeling covered and safe again, Temple Guards come for them, escorting them to wait for the Council's decision. He decides quickly that he hates the silence, the tension, and it only adds to the anxiety that is gnawing at him, a constant buzz under his skin. He doesn't feel right anymore in his skin. It's as if he was taken apart and shoved back together wrong. He feels… fragile, and he hates it.

"It will be okay, Skyguy," Ahsoka murmurs, scooting into his side and leaning against him. He wraps an arm around her shoulders, blowing out a shaky breath.

"I hope so."

He isn't terribly optimistic about their chances. While he has no idea what the political state of everything is right now, if they have indeed been framed for the bombing – and Anakin's stupid actions have undoubtedly only added fuel to that suspicion – there is little that they can do. The Council will bow to the will of the Senate, especially because of their… tenuous position now. He cannot blame them for that, but he hates that they will so readily play politics. It has to be obvious that he and Ahsoka would never commit such a crime. Unlike his Padawan, Anakin does not have the same faith in the Council that she does. He trusts them, of course, which he must because of the war, but he… is not optimistic.

Or maybe that is merely his depression speaking, because he has not been very optimistic about anything as of late.

It feels like it's been hours before the Temple Guards escort them to the Chamber of Judgment. Anakin feels… numb, distant. He feels like he isn't truly here anymore, in his own body. The knowledge that Obi-Wan and Ahsoka know is devouring him, making him close off from everyone and everything. He can't stand the idea of them knowing, of enduring their pity or their condemnation. They would never understand.

To be fair, Padme doesn't truly understand either, but she is trying. She is – she is wonderful, and he doesn't deserve her. Not at all.

He looks around the dimly lit room, and it doesn't escape his notice that Obi-Wan is missing, though the rest of the Council is present; he doesn't know how to feel about that. They're asked questions, asked to explain themselves, and no matter how vehemently they object to the accusations against them, no matter how much Anakin points out that there is almost no evidence, he gets the feeling that it doesn't matter.

It doesn't.

In the end, Windu informs them that the Council reached a decision, and that they are to be expelled from the Jedi Order and handed over to the Senate for trial. Ahsoka looks devastated, and Anakin can feel her pain at the edges of their bonds. But Anakin… he just feels numb, empty, and Obi-Wan's absence makes sense, though Anakin doesn't know how to feel about the seeming fact that his former master was too upset at the Council to even show up as a mere formality.

It's all just too much for him, and he zones out almost entirely after that, hardly even responding when Padme comes to his cell to talk to him about what happened so she can represent him in his trial. He doesn't think he gives her more than one- or two-word answers, and nothing she says is enough to draw him out of his shell. His mind is shut down entirely, and if he was a droid, he would say that his processor is not functioning, probably from a short circuit or an overload of some kind.

He feels drained, weak, too exhausted to care about anything.

After everything he did, the Jedi threw him out like he's nothing. He gave them his everything, and even after that, he's still not good enough. He doesn't think he ever will be. How much longer, he wonders miserably, because Padme, too, thinks that he's too much trouble to keep around and gets rid of him?

"Henceforth, you are barred from the Jedi Order."

"I would never say this otherwise, but Ani, maybe – maybe you should leave the Order."

"I – I can't do that. I can't. Not to – to Ahsoka, to Obi-Wan."

It looks like, at the end of the day, his feelings don't matter, but then again, have they ever?

He doesn't want to think about what it means if he's no longer a Jedi or what it will mean for him in the future when he's not a part of the Order, much less what will happen during the trial. Padme assured him that Obi-Wan had contacted her and let her know that he's searching for the person who may be behind everything, since apparently, the clones saw a third person at the warehouse who escaped before they could figure out who he or she was.

Anakin thinks he ought to care more than he does. Truly, he is deeply touched that Obi-Wan is fighting so hard on his behalf, but… he just feels so numb about everything. And on top of that, he can feel Ahsoka's depression and pain and betrayal, which isn't doing much for his mental state, not that anything really has been recently.

He – he wishes that he could let go of all of this, but he doesn't know how.

Time is meaningless for him, and he hardly moves from the corner of his cell until the Coruscant guards come to escort him and Ahsoka into the Senate building for the trial itself. There is… a lot of arguing between Padme and Tarkin, who is apparently the prosecutor. A lot of arguing, in fact, and it feels like it's mostly going over his head, as if he's underwater, only half-hearing what they're saying. But he can tell that the biggest source of conflict revolves around the evidence. There is very little concrete evidence against them, against Ahsoka anyways, but Anakin's suspicious way of breaking into the prison has only made it that much harder for her.

It makes him wonder if he's destined to destroy everything he touches.

There isn't a single thing, person, relationship that he hasn't lost recently or just over the course of the war. Is – is it because he is cursed, somehow? It's such a ludicrous thought, but it's one that he is struggling to banish, and it makes him fervently wish that he could just… cease to exist entirely. Maybe that would be enough to take away this pain. Despite his inner turmoil, he's careful to keep his face blank in front of the Senate; there's no reason to make a scene.

He feels Obi-Wan coming before he actually arrives, and when he bursts through the doors, expression stony, Vos is at his side, and behind them, standing between the Temple Guards is Barriss. Shock momentarily surges up, dampening the numb blankness, and as Obi-Wan calmly tells the Senate that Barriss has confessed to the crime, and as Barriss herself speaks, all Anakin can think is 'why?' He can – he can understand where she's coming from, but the knowledge that, because of her actions, he and Ahsoka lost everything…

It's not something that he can easily move past, much less forgive.

"I did it because I've come to realize what many of people in the Republic have come to realize, that the Jedi are the ones responsible for this war, that we've so lost our way that we have become villains in this conflict, that we are the ones that should be put on trial, all of us! And my attack on the Temple was an attack on what the Jedi have become, an army fighting for the Dark Side, fallen from the Light that we once held so dear. This Republic is failing! It's only a matter of time."

Barriss' words echo in Anakin's head, playing on repeat as he and Ahsoka are taken back to the Temple to face the Council. He can feel Obi-Wan glancing at him, but he doesn't have the strength to meet his eyes, to see whatever must lie there. For so long, he has been so certain that Obi-Wan would be upset at him for being so unable to control himself, to let go of the things which have transpired months ago, that he simply cannot conceive any other outcome. He cannot imagine a conversation that leaves him feeling anything other than gutted and worthless.

What he did, breaking illegally into the prison, is something that will be dealt with at a later point in time, and honestly, Anakin doesn't even care what his sentence is. The knowledge that, if not for what happened, Ahsoka could have been executed… It's all too much for him.

"The Council was wrong to accuse you, both of you," Plo tells them.

Anakin stands next to Ahsoka, feeling wrong and unsettled in his own skin, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the floor.

"We understand that the Force works in mysterious ways, and because of this trial, you have become greater Jedi than you would have otherwise," Windu adds, as if he wouldn't happily kick Anakin out of the Order for his failings.

"Back into the Order you may come," Yoda concurs.

There might have been more said, but Anakin can hardly hear it over the ringing in his head. He clenches his fists, struggling to reign in an unexpected anxiety attack at the mere prospect of going back and pretending to be a good Jedi, at having to start all over again at pretending to prove to Obi-Wan that he's good enough.

Anakin glances at Ahsoka and sees the indecision on her face as she glances between him and the rest of the Council. He knows, can sense, that she doesn't think she wants to stay, but after what happened earlier, after what she learned, she's too scared to leave him. The last thing he wants is to make her endure something she doesn't want.

"No," he blurts out without even thinking it through. "No. I am – we are not coming back."

He turns away from them, forcing himself not to look at Obi-Wan so he doesn't see the heartbreak in his master's eyes, the heartbreak that he can keenly feel in the Force. If he sees Obi-Wan in pain, he will never be able to ignore it. There's a tentative moment when he thinks his former master might say something, but he doesn't, so Anakin turns and leaves the Council chambers, Ahsoka following at his side.

Neither of them speaks as they slowly walk towards the Temple entrance for what will probably be the last time.

Don't look back. Anakin can almost hear his mother's words echoing in his mind, even now. He hadn't really understood what she was saying at the time, but now, he does. He'd made a choice then, to go with Qui-Gon, and while he hadn't fully understood what the consequences would be, his mother had. She hadn't wanted him to continually think of her and of the life which they could have lived together if he'd chosen differently.

And now, it's like leaving her all over again. And it's almost as painful. He doesn't want to leave the Order, but he doesn't know what else to do. He's so, so tired of fighting, of struggling with himself, with his own inner demons, of trying to deal with the soul-crushing depression which very nearly consumed him. He wants it all to stop. Padme is right. He needs to leave; he needed to leave months ago.

It's not as if he's leaving alone anymore. They didn't care about him when he needed them most, abandoning him instead to the galaxy. Anakin doesn't think he'll ever be able to forgive them for that. They could have tried to help him, but no. Of course, they didn't. At least, he thinks wryly, Obi-Wan had tried. Somewhat. He doesn't know the full extent of what went on behind closed doors, but his former master had obviously argued with the Council about their decision to expel him and Ahsoka after they were falsely accused of bombing the Temple.

Don't look back. Maybe it won't be that hard after all. It's not as if they wanted him anymore, much as he wanted to be a Jedi, wanted to help people. He'll have Padme and Ahsoka with him. He tamps down the urge to dig his mechanical fingers into his left arm hard enough to leave bruises. It was never a healthy coping mechanism – he knows that now – but his stupid brain can't seem to accept that. The habit has become so deeply ingrained into his psyche that he's almost surprised he didn't slip up earlier.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Obi-Wan asks quietly, approaching them from behind. They're standing at the entrance to the Temple, staring out at the city as the last rays of sunlight disappear.

Anakin exhales slowly, blinking away the bone deep exhaustion. "Yes," he mumbles. "Yes. I don't…" He shakes his head, glancing at Ahsoka, who is silent next to him. "I can't stay," he finishes. "We can't stay."

"We have to find our own way now," Ahsoka adds quietly, sadly. There's resignation in her voice too, and it makes Anakin ache even more than before.

"I'm sorry, Master," he whispers. Don't look back. If he does, he doubts he'll ever leave, even though he knows he has to. The Order was destroying him, and he needs time and space to recover. He doesn't want to leave Obi-Wan. He doesn't. But… the last shreds of his strength shattered the moment Obi-Wan learned the truth. Maybe he should be ashamed of himself, but Obi-Wan hadn't been upset at Anakin; he'd been devastated. Anakin never thought that it would hurt his former master. It did though, and that's one more thing he needs to make up for.

"May the Force be with you both," Obi-Wan murmurs quietly, a thinly veiled pain in his voice. "Goodbye old friend."

Don't look back. With Ahsoka at his side, Anakin walks away from the Temple for what may well be the last time.

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