A/N Hi guys. I'm sorry for the delay. As you might have seen from the Facebook group, I'm going through a breakup and feeling a bit (well a lot) shit right now. I promise I'll get back to posting and writing soon, but right now I've got to figure out my next steps and just process and deal with this. If updates come, they come, but I won't be sticking to a schedule for the time being.

Love you all, and thank you for reading, your support means everything xx

10

Indecision

o-O-o

Bella fell on Annabelle's bed with a pathetic sigh, and her friend climbed in with her, both of them staring at the ceiling.

"I'm confused," Bella admitted.

Annabelle hummed. "Because he hasn't slept with anyone?"

"Because I…I don't know who he is," Bella sighed. "The old Edward was…there's no way he'd have denied me. He said no, Anna, I asked him to kiss me, and he was hard, and his eyes were…you know…and he said no."

"But isn't that good?" Annabelle asked quietly.

Bella grabbed one of the pillows and groaned into it. "I don't fucking know."

"I brought the pizza; where are you guys?" Lucas called from down the hall.

Bella pulled the pillow off her face and lifted herself onto her elbows as Lucas wandered into the room, his red hair sticking up in all directions. Annabelle practically flew from the bed and jumped into his arms.

Lucas cupped the back of her friend's head and kissed her deeply, Annabelle melting into his body, gripping his T-shirt with her hands. Lucas pulled back first and tucked Annabelle's hair behind her ear, glancing over to Bella. "What's up, Bells? Is it that guy again?"

"Yeah," Annabelle answered for her.

Lucas hummed, pulling Annabelle into his chest and resting his chin on her head. Bella felt a pang in her chest; they were really sweet together.

Lucas was Annabelle's Edward, the one that set her soul on fire, but the difference was, Lucas was trustworthy and hadn't trampled all over Annabelle's heart.

"So, what happened now?" Lucas asked, his brown eyes boring into Bella's.

She sighed. "I saw him with a girl…I thought that he was…with her, so I ran off, but he followed me, and then he said all this…stuff."

Lucas arched an eyebrow, "Gonna elaborate?"

"He said he hasn't slept with anyone in two years, that he loves me, that he doesn't deserve me…he thinks…he thinks I'm still with Alec." Bella's words fell out of her mouth in a tangled mess, her heart racing as she recalled the look in Edward's eyes when she admitted she thought of him when she'd been with Alec.

"Huh," Lucas said curiously. "Do you believe him?"

"No, yes, maybe…I don't know," Bella huffed out.

"Let's go eat," Annabelle said, slipping out of Lucas's arms and grabbing Bella's arm, pulling her off the bed. "You gotta eat, sunshine; you're getting too skinny."

Bella rolled her eyes, "I could stand to lose a few more pounds; my ass is huge."

Lucas snorted. "That's not a bad thing, Bella, baby."

She stuck her tongue out at him, and he winked.

o-O-o

Edward was wearing the glasses again, and Bella would be salivating, except for the fact that through those glasses, the whites surrounding his vivid green eyes were bloodshot, and dark shadows hid under the rims.

He looked exhausted, and it wasn't the first time. It had been like this for the past week; she'd noticed it, especially when they were alone together the day before, when she was close enough to touch him and didn't. She didn't know why she let him think she was with Alec. It was just easier, somehow.

Edward glanced up from where he was sitting in the cafeteria, locking eyes with her. They stared at each other for a beat, and her heart went haywire in her chest, heat flooding through her, a static hum rising from her skin.

Just one look and she felt like she was burning brighter than the sun.

Edward broke the eye contact first, and Bella hated the way her chest ached at the act. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want Edward; she hated Edward; she was mad at him. There were years of hurt, years of pain, and his recent actions had sent daggers into her heart once again. But she cared, god, she cared, she wanted to know why he looked so tired, wanted to know what was wrong, if he was okay.

"Stop moping," Annabelle ordered, shoving a muffin at her.

Bella shot her a glare, "Are you trying to make me fat?"

Annabelle grinned, "Would serve you right for being the hotter friend."

Bella rolled her eyes, "Stop fishing for compliments; you know you're gorgeous."

Brown eyes glittered playfully, "I know."

Bella couldn't help but laugh, and as she did, she met Edward's eyes again. His mouth was curved up a little as he watched her, and her laugh caught in her throat.

Annabelle followed her gaze and huffed. "For fucks sake, just go talk to him; you don't have to forgive him."

Bella bit her lip. "I don't…I can't be around him and not want…"

Annabelle lowered her voice, "So…fuck him then. Again, it doesn't mean you have to forgive him or date him."

"I can't.' Bella shook her head firmly. "It wouldn't be just…sex. Even when we were young, it was always more, he's so passionate, and just…it would fuck with my head."

"Well, do something," Annabelle sighed, "because babe, you're miserable."

Bella grumbled, picking at the muffin. Edward wasn't looking at her anymore, his eyes on his friend, Naomi. She was rubbing his back, and even though Edward had told her that Naomi was gay, the jealously bubbled hot and blistering in her gut.

o-O-o

They were on shift together, but it was the last one they'd have; he was moving onto a different service tomorrow.

Bella felt weird that she'd only see him in the cafeteria or the hallways after this. She'd gotten strangely used to seeing him on her floor, interacting with her patients with his easy smile, those piercing green eyes meeting hers, every now and again.

He was sitting in a chair at the nurse's desk; his head bent over a textbook. Bella was watching him, watching the way his jaw jumped, the way his fingers were twitching on the desk. He was stressed; she recognized the ticks.

The words spilled out of her mouth before she could decide if she wanted to say them. "What's wrong?"

Edward's head flew up almost violently, and Bella stared at him like a deer caught in headlights, her body frozen, mouth agape from the horror that had rushed through her the second the words left her mouth.

He studied her for a second, confusion and then hope flitting across his handsome features. She expected him to say 'nothing.' He was always cagey about admitting his feelings in the moment. Instead, they came fractured and deep from his lips in the dark, her body always facing away from him, his large hand teasing her stomach and preventing her from replying.

"I'm failing." Edward's voice was hoarse, his green eyes flashing with pain.

Bella's eyes widened, her mouth opening in a shocked gape. Not just at the words he'd uttered, because the Edward she knew had never failed at anything, but at the ease with which he admitted it to her, openly and honestly.

It clearly wasn't something he was comfortable saying; she could read that all over his body, his fists tight, his shoulders sunken. And yet, he'd said it—to her; admitted what was actually wrong.

Bella closed her mouth and thought carefully about her next words, her teeth sinking into her lower lip. "Are you okay?"

Not, why. Not what happened. Those answers would upset him further; she knew that.

Edward looked taken aback for a moment before he sighed wearily, looking down at the table. "No," he uttered, swallowing, "I'm…I'm fucking everything up."

"Ed," Bella said softly. He looked up sharply, his green eyes meeting hers. The force of their connection as they stared at each other made Bella feel like she was being pulled violently in his direction, her skin itching to make contact with his, her heart pounding furiously in her chest, begging her to touch him. To kiss him, to hug him, and comfort him.

Desperation crossed his features, and his fingers twitched before he launched himself up and started walking down the hallway.

Bella stared after him in surprise for a moment before she followed him. He went through the door to the stairwell, and she found him gripping the railing, staring out through the window. She paused there, biting her lip, not sure what she was doing.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Edward's low voice echoed her thoughts.

Bella wasn't surprised he knew she was behind him; they were like magnets; he knew when she was in the vicinity just as strongly as she did.

"I just…" Bella mumbled, "I don't know. T-talk to me; what's going on?"

Edward's shoulder's slumped, "Bells…you don't have to…I'm fine, don't feel fucking sorry for me."

"I don't," Bella said sharply, stepping up to the railing and leaning her arms on it next to him. He side-eyed her, those green eyes conflicted.

Edward sighed, staring back out the window. "I don't fucking know what's wrong with me, Bells, I'm just…I can't fucking focus, can't fucking wrap my head around this stuff. I'm spending hours studying every night, and I still don't know what I'm doing wrong."

Bella's lips curved up without her volition, and Edward turned to face her fully, looking wounded. "I spill my fucking heart out, and you're smiling. God, you really do hate me."

Bella rolled her eyes, "Ed, it's just…everything has always come to you so easily, you've never had to work for it before, you don't understand that this is normal."

Edward frowned at her, "What part of fucking failing is normal?"

She turned to face him fully, her breath catching as his emerald-green eyes bored into hers. "Have you asked how many hours your coursemates study?"

Edward opened his mouth and then closed it, "Well, they study as much as I do," he admitted, 'but the difference is, it's actually working for them."

Bella smiled softly at him, "Edward, you can read anything and remember it; that's a huge gift. But it doesn't automatically make you understand what you're reading; you need to find your method of comprehending things so you can apply that knowledge."

His jaw jumped. "But how do I find that? I've tried the flashcard shit; it doesn't work, Bella."

She was reaching out before she realized what she was doing, an old habit, rushed to the surface at the sight of his agitation. He visibly calmed as she trailed her fingertips up his arm, his eyes smoldering all of a sudden. "I like mind maps, and there's a cool anatomy app you can download on your phone that gives you quizzes. I like answering the questions; when I get it wrong, it forces me to know the right answer for next time."

Edward swallowed, his voice husky, "Will you show me? The mind map thing?"

Bella bit her lip and then nodded. Edward sighed, reaching out and brushing his knuckles across her cheek. Flames burst in her belly, licking up her limbs and wrapping her in a burning warmth, blood flooding in her cheeks.

"Bella," he murmured, leaning closer to her. She closed the distance and was just about to kiss his full, pink lips when he wrenched back.

"I'm so sorry. Shit," he growled, pulling at his hair.

Bella didn't respond; she was too shocked at her own behavior. She was supposed to be mad at him, not kissing him.

She stood up to her full height and cleared her throat, "I'll um, if you're free after work, I can show you the…mind maps, but…downstairs. I don't think…we shouldn't-"

"Yeah," Edward cut her off, his lips suddenly curving up into a wide grin. "I get it. Thanks, Bella. I know I…"

"I'm not forgiving you," Bella said quickly, "and I still…don't like you, but I want to help you, even if I shouldn't."

Edward nodded, swallowing. "I know."

She nodded back, wringing her hands together before she turned, glancing back at him just before she stepped through the doors. He was staring out the window again, but his posture was relaxed, the stress he'd held in his shoulders gone.

Her heart fluttered in her chest, and she quickly left the stairwell.

A/N

I'll see you soon. Sending love and hugs to you all xx