Writing again and it feels GOOOOD ❤️ I missed these two...

I am a terror who was too impatient to wait to have this one edited and Fran is a godsend because I have quite literally left her hanging for an entire year and she still wants to help (big love), soo I promise next one will be slightly less full of mistakes ;)

Also randomly: this story was actually nominated for an award which completely blew me away because I am horrifically inactive on here - I have of course missed the deadline to invite you to vote for me but if I am lucky enough to go through to the next round, then I will let you know :P

Much love angels xxxx

13

Absolvement

o-O-o

Bella tipped her head back, draining the last bits of the coffee Annabelle had placed on the counter for her, and then sighed, rubbing her eyes. The coffee wasn't helping. Nothing was helping. In general she was a good sleeper, one of those people who could close their eyes and just drift away - something Alec had been jealous of - and Edward had always teased her about. Lying on his hard chest as they watched a movie, listening to his heart thump, his warm hands drifting under her t-shirt and softly stroking; waking up hours later in a dark room, stirring to find Edward's green eyes fixed on her, a soft smile at his lips that disappeared as he bent down to kiss her waiting mouth.

But recently, sleep was impossible. She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, pushing her face into the pillow, twisting this way and that, her thoughts humming like an electric fence, crawling all over each other, entangling in her mind until her heart was racing and her body broke into a sweat. Edward. Alec. Love. Guilt. Desire. Confusion.

It didn't help that she was having lunch with Alec today - his request, and she couldn't say no, she didn't even want to say no, she missed him. Not in the way she missed Edward of course, but Alec had been her comfort for so long, the past few months without him had been a strange, tumultuous time, and her growing friendship with Edward again had made things feel even more bizarre.

God she loved him, loved him so much that it was getting hard to remember why she couldn't be with him, especially when he smiled at her - not his classic toothy grin when he was laughing or joking with his friends, or the wicked smirk when his eyes lingered on her ass or her mouth - but the gentle, closed lip smile he gave her in quiet moments, no rush of euphoria or elation, just simple, perfect contentment. And every time he did it her heart didn't jump, or skip a beat, or even start racing, it melted, like everything in her chest was rushing towards something and she was falling down to meet it.

But he'd hurt her, more than anyone had ever hurt her, probably more than anyone ever could, and she couldn't trust him. He was right there, saying all the things she'd wanted to hear for so long, but she couldn't let herself believe them.

Not yet.

But friendship, she could try that. She was trying that. But the line was so blurred. Because for as much as she loved Edward she wanted him too. Wanted him in a hot, needy, desperate way, that left her feeling a little empty every time she stopped herself giving in to him.

"Are you sick, Swan?"

Bella spun to face Patricia, the head nurse with wide eyes. "I beg your pardon?"

"You look unsteady on your feet, flushed and…are you sweating?"

"No, no! I'm just…lots of caffeine!" Bella said quickly, brushing her bangs out of her eyes and standing up taller. She was not thinking about taking Edward into an on-call room and straddling his lap naked.

"Well there's plenty of things to do, other than standing there day-dreaming about god knows what. Have you rounded all your patients?"

"Of course!" Bella moved, gathering her charts she'd been signing. "I actually need to go find Dr. Carter, so I'll just be going now."

"I see." Patricia gave her a stern look and Bella made a non-commital noise and then scurried off.

She had exactly three hours until Alec was going to show up at the hospital. She'd planned to meet him outside, to reduce any risk of him running into Edward, but her day was too jam packed to leave the hospital, she'd barely make it out before she'd have to leave and she didn't want to rush this lunch, it was important for them both to have closure. Luckily for her, Ed was going to be working the night shift, so there was no way they'd cross paths.

"Good morning, Mr. Simmons," Bella said, walking up to one of her patients and gently touching his shoulder. "I really need you to sit up for me, okay?"

Bella stared into the mirror, playing with her bangs. She was so nervous she was practically hyperventilating. He hadn't been mad at her when she left, but maybe now he'd had time to process things he would be. But then surely he wouldn't have wanted to meet her if that was the case? On the phone he'd said he just wanted to talk things through. And she owed him that. Guilt twisted in her gut and she took a steeling breath, walking out of the bathroom.

The cafeteria was thrumming, a mixture of people sitting and chatting leisurely over food, and those in a rush, hastily shoving chips and sandwiches into their mouths in between gulps of coffee, a roar of knives and forks, laughter, ebbing and flowing conversations casting single words out above the hum; crazy! God! No! What?

Alec was sitting by the windows, his golden hair shining in the midday sun. He'd had it cut, the sides shorter than she was used to, his blue shirt open at the collar, knees spread wide in denim.

Bella made her way over to him and sat down, her fingers twisting together as she met his blue eyes.

"Hi," she murmured. He'd let his beard grow out a little, but it was neatly trimmed. He looked good.

"Hi," he answered, resting his elbows on the table, offering her a tight lipped smile that made her chest pang. He was hurting. It was in the little things, the slight bags under his eyes, his tense jaw, even his skin looked a little paler than usual, like the color had been leached from him.

And Bella was the leach.

"It's good to see you," Bella said honestly, clenching her hands together on the table. "I…"

Alec sighed. "It's good to see you too, Bella. You look good."

She half-smiled. "Liar."

Alec exhaled a laugh. "Is it bad that I'm kind of glad about that? I guess I'm happy that this is hard for you too, not just me"

Bella felt sick. She'd thought about Alec a lot, sure, but nothing compared to how she'd been thinking about Edward.

"I miss you," Alec said, reaching across the table for her hand. Bella felt her eyes burn.

"I miss you too," she admitted, letting their fingers tangle together. "I'm so…"

"Please don't say sorry again," Alec said.

"But I am. I'm…you deserved so much better."

Alec slowly took his hands back. "We could have been great, Bella, if you'd just let yourself."

"I know that." But Edward had ruined her for anyone else, she knew that now. Whether he was physically there or not, she could never love anyone the way she loved him.

"I just want to understand what happened, I mean, we were good, weren't we? You were happy?"

Bella sighed. "Alec, I…I was happy with you, what we had was wonderful, being with you was as easy as breathing, and in a good way, in a way that made me feel safe and protected. You are a wonderful, kind, generous, thoughtful man, and I think, no, I know, that if he never existed, that you would have been perfect for me. But he does. And he…broke me. I shouldn't love him, god knows I wish I didn't. But I…" Her eyes filled with tears. "I do. I love him."

Alec closed his eyes for a beat, inhaling slowly. "And that's why you cheated on me?"

Bella wiped at her cheeks as tears rushed down them. "I don't have any excuse, I did a terrible thing, but it has nothing to do with you Alec, it's me, I was the problem, and I wish I didn't do it, I wish I'd-"

"Would you have told me about it? If I hadn't overheard you?"

Bella met his glistening eyes and swallowed heavily. "I swear to god, yes. I couldn't have not told you. Alec, I felt…I still feel awful."

He sighed and reached for her hand. "I forgive you Bella, I just needed to know. I think, in my heart I always knew that a part of you was closed off to me. I guess I thought that you just needed time, to adjust to us, to realize that I was good for you. You did a fucked up thing, but you're a good person. And I want us to be friends, not…now. Maybe not for a while. But eventually."

Bella bit back a sob. "I don't deserve your friendship after everything I've done."

"Maybe not," Alec said softly, "but I mean it Bella, I just want the best for you."

Bella got out of her chair and stepped around the table, "Can we hug?"

Alec stood and pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. Bella buried her face in his neck, fighting tears. "I really thought you were the one," he whispered into her hair, stroking her back.

After several minutes, Alec let her go, kissing her on the head, and she made her way back to her seat, wiping at her eyes.

"Should we get some lunch now?" Alec asked her, offering her a half smile as he wiped at his own cheeks.

"Yes," Bella smiled, exhaling a laugh. "Hopefully the queue isn't too bad."

Her eyes drifted past Alec's head to the cafeteria line and her heart jumped when she caught sight of Edward, his bronze hair messier than usual, falling into his eyes, sat across from a pretty blonde girl, who was staring at him like he hung the fucking moon.

Bella felt a blistering anger rush through her chest and she forced herself to look away. What was he even doing here? His shift wasn't until 3. "What do you want to eat? I think there's pizza? I can go grab us some."

"Sure, you know what I like," Alec said softly, resting his elbows on the table.

Bella stood, offering him a soft smile before making her way to the line. She deliberately walked past Edward's table, pretending not to notice him even as her chest sunk. Who was this girl? It wasn't Naomi, or Tanya, and this one looked different, sweeter, prettier; not the kind of girl you just fucked and threw away, the one you dated, took out for dinner, asked to move in.

Not that Edward was sleeping with anyone, according to him, but could she trust that? How did she know for sure. Maybe it was just a lie. It's not like he hadn't lied to her before.

"What can I get ya, hun?" the woman behind the counter asked, breaking Bella out of her trance.

"Oh um, one pepperoni and two ham and pineapple, please."

"Is it bring your boyfriend to work day?" a deep voice murmured in her ear, making her jump. She could feel the heat of his body against her back, a telltale tingle rippling down her spine. One movement backwards and she'd…

But she didn't let herself even look at him "Is it bring a girlfriend?"

Edward laughed dryly. "Jealous?"

Bella's head jerked back to him and he winced, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry, habit. Of course not Bella, do you listen to a word I fucking say?"

Bella ignored him, taking her pizzas. "I think you should leave. Alec doesn't…I think it's best you two don't cross paths."

Edward's hand brushed her side, goosebumps rising across her body. "Does he want to hit me? For touching you? I would. I want to hit him. For looking at you like that, for having his hands on you. If you were mine…"

"I'm not," Bella said stiffly.

Edward exhaled softly against her neck. Hot shivers. "I know," he murmured.

Bella paid the cashier, grabbing the plates of pizza. "Just leave, please. I think it's for the best. Take your date somewhere else."

She turned and Edward stepped into her way, his jaw tight. "Bella, you know she's not my fucking date."

"Does she?" Bella asked, glaring at him. "Because honestly Edward, she looks at you like she would die just to please you."

Edward exhaled a laugh. "Is that so?"

Her chest ached. "Edward I…"

"Why can't you trust me?" Edward asked her, his eyes boring into hers, glittering green, open wide.

"I just…"

Bella gasped as Edward lurched backwards, Alec's fist flying into his face. Edward stumbled and held up his hands.

"Alec, listen, I…" Alec cut him off with another fist to the mouth, sending Edward another few paces back.

"Oh fuck!" Bella shrieked, rushing forwards, the cafeteria suddenly deadly silent, everyone staring at them with wide eyes. "Alec, stop!"

Edward took another hit to the mouth and pushed Alec back roughly, spitting out blood onto the floor. Bella got her hands on Alec, grabbing his waist. She'd never seen him like this before, he was always so calm, and in control.

"Alec, please, don't!"

Alec pushed her off him and Edward stepped forward, his eyes darkening. "Don't fucking touch her."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Alec snapped. "You think I'd hurt her?"

Bella stepped in between them, her eyes welling up. "Please just stop. Alec, please. Don't do this."

Alec shook his head, exhaling roughly. "No, you're right. He's not fucking worth it."

The blonde girl ran up to Edward, nestling into his side and reaching for his jaw. "Are you okay, Ed?"

Bella's teeth clenched as Edward gently pulled the girl's hands away. "I'm fine, don't worry, Evie."

Alec glanced at Bella and then sighed. "I'm sorry. I…shouldn't have done that. Not that he didn't deserve it, because he fucking did, but I'm better than that. I guess I'm not dealing with the break up as well as I thought."

Edward inhaled sharply and Bella's heart lurched in her chest.

"Alec, let's go and sort out your hand," she said quickly. "You need ice."

She led him away, not daring to look back.

"What was that about?" she heard the girl ask Edward.

"Nothing," he said gruffly.