A/N: I popped this one out as a form of stress relief. I've had a pretty long work week and I'm about to go into an even longer work weekend. I hope you all are having a better time than I am. Enjoy and don't be afraid to comment. Thank you for all the support.

Hidden Love, Our Son

God, she was beautiful...

Connor bit the inside of his cheek as he observed his heavily pregnant wife. She was wearing one of his shirts, but the cotton material was stretched tight over her rounded belly. He was sure the sweats she was wearing were his too. Sarah had taken to stealing more and more of his clothes, but even these were straining to fit her new curves. He didn't mind. He loved the view... He simply wished she did too.

An air of sadness pervaded his girl and it made him ache. They had become something like two ships in the night since the move. The reality of their new marriage and the impending arrival of the newest member of their family was all the more stark as they left behind the familiar views of their old apartments in Mexico. He knew that Sarah was struggling with all the change. Could feel her slipping away from him and he didn't know how to stop it. How to help her. She wasn't letting him in anymore and it was making him crazy.

A mournful sigh echoed through the living room as Sarah shifted. Her fingers came up to trace the rivulets of water dancing down the windowpane. The sky was crying the tears that she was holding in.

She was beautiful and miserable.

He hated it.

"When are you going to tell me what's going on in that mind of yours?" Connor whispered, but he may as well have shouted with how his question broke the stillness.

Sarah started, hand going to her heart as she turned, "God, you scared me. What are you doing up? You have an early shift tomorrow."

He stepped from the hall into their living room, his arms crossed to keep himself from reaching for her. If he touched her then that was it – any and all conversation would be avoided. And they very much needed to talk, "My wife has become this very restless sleeper. Throws me off when I find myself sleeping in a still bed now."

It was true, Sarah struggled to find a comfortable position to sleep in now. Her new curves put pressure on all the wrong places... and for some strange reason, she refused to use the pregnancy pillow he had gotten her. Of course, the damn thing took up almost the entire bed, but he was fine with that if it meant she got some rest.

Sarah smiled sheepishly, "I'm sorry, honey. Didn't mean to wake you."

Connor hummed softly as he tried not to wince under that smile or the pet name. There was something artificial about her smiles now. A forcedness that he couldn't explain. She was going through the motions – showing him what she thought he wanted. He even knew the first time she did it too.

Her jeans had stopped fitting. The zipper was just wide enough to not zip. The brass button straining too hard to stay in the hole. A sheen of panic had struck Sarah on that particular morning as she fought to get those pants to fasten. Connor had made an offhand comment about shopping for maternity clothes, and it was like watching a shutter descend over her features. The panic remained – subdued in her big brown eyes and he was given the first fake smile as she agreed with him. She did some kind of trickery with a hairband to get her jeans to stay on. He's not even sure she bought more than a handful of items since – stealing his clothes had been her answer. He chose not to fight it.

"Sarah, talk to me please." Connor murmured almost pleadingly as she kept her mild humored expression in place, "This is the second week in a row that you've wandered out here and you linger until I need to get up. What is going on?"

"It's nothing. I'm fine." Sarah soothed, "I've just been too warm in the bed and it's cooler out here. I didn't want to wake you. Come on, you need to get back to sleep."

She reached for him. Her slim little fingers reached to unlatch his from his arms, but he stepped back. The evasion felt like a slap in the face to both of them and he had to steel himself against the abrupt hurt in her gaze. It was so hard not to cave and touch her, "Bullshit. Bullshit, Sarah. Do you honestly think I don't know that you're miserable, babe?"

She flinched at the pet name. He hadn't called her babe since that day in the airport. No more. They weren't going to avoid this anymore. He was reclaiming this piece of their relationship.

"That I haven't heard you crying? Or that I haven't noticed you only go into the nursey if I'm in there? That the only things we've bought for the baby are because I went shopping for it? That the only clothes you've bought are the essentials? That you've stopped looking at yourself in the mirror?" Stricken was the only word to describe his wife in that moment, trapped and tearful, "And I've waited. I've waited for you to come to me. I've waited for you to talk to me... but you haven't - you won't. So, I'm not waiting anymore, babe. I'm asking and I will hound you until you start talking to me. So, talk to me."

"Connor, please, I'm -"

"I swear to God if you say you're fine then I am lighting this damn house on fire and dragging us back to Mexico, my residency be damned." Connor bit out, his nails digging into his biceps. At least in Mexico they had been happy. She had been happy.

Sarah could see how serious he was too. He had that dark glint to his gaze that dared her to defy him, usually, she did. There was something about that look that never failed to irk her, but this time it just made her crumble.

Unbidden the tears she had been fighting, silently fell as she whispered beseechingly, "I'm trying, Connor. I really am."

"Trying what?" He pushed desperately, not understanding, "To talk to me? Because you've gotten pretty good at avoiding me."

She shook her head, choking on a sob, "To want this."

He felt cold. Like an iced dagger had just been plunged into his gut, "What do you mean?"

Sarah closed her eyes, searching for the words to convey her thoughts – her feelings. How everything had become so overwhelming that none of it felt real anymore... or maybe it was that it all felt too real.

"I don't feel anything for this baby and it scares me." She admitted quietly, shame and guilt churning up bile to her throat as she spewed her truth, "Looking at clothes and toys, there's nothing. It's like a wall and I try. I hear the heartbeat during the doctor's visits and I go numb. I don't feel joy or excitement and I don't feel angry... just numb. There's nothing. And I don't want to feel that way, but I don't know how to stop it."

Sarah rubbed her hand over her rounded belly as a guilty sob heaved from her, "I want to love this baby, Connor. I see how excited you get when it moves, and kicks and you have your hand there. You have all these questions for the doctor, for other parents that we've met. You want this and I want to want it too. We get closer to the end of my term and I'm still not... I feel like I'm being dragged to a steep cliff, and when I jump, I'm not going to hit the water, but rocks. I'm not going to be a good mother."

It took less than a second for Connor to break his no touching rule. He slid into her space without a thought as he pulled her sobbing form against him. He wanted to say he was surprised by her words, but he wasn't. He had known Sarah for too long, but hearing her disinterest for the baby didn't make it any easier to bear. It killed him that she was struggling with this. It killed him that she hadn't said something sooner.

"You're wrong." Connor whispered into her curls, "You're going to be a great mom."

She snorted disbelievingly into his chest, wondering if he had actually listened to a word she said.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He asked patiently.

"Why?" She grunted, "So you could know you married a monster sooner?"

Connor frowned, pushing her back so that he could meet her weary gaze, "You are many things, Sarah. Monster is not one of them. Stubborn mule of a woman, yes. Tell me that some part of you wasn't trying to protect me. To protect us."

"You're so excited. I don't want to ruin that." Sarah excused, not sure where he was going with this.

"Protecting me." He declared ruefully, "You stayed quiet to protect me. I know you."

"So, what? I love you. It's not that strange that I don't want to hurt you." She sighed, wiping at her eyes, but she couldn't seem to stem the tears.

"I'm real to you, babe. That's why you love me, why you protect me. And that's what you'll do when this baby gets here too. It's okay that you don't feel anything, now. I don't even know if I love this kiddo yet. I'm scared that I'm going to be a bad dad too." Conor admitted quietly and smiled at her dubious stare, "I'm excited, yes. Fascinated, definitely. You have a little person inside you, how can I not be? That's some damn magic, babe. But I am utterly terrified of what will happen once this little one gets here. I don't know a damn thing about babies besides what's in the books we've been reading. At least you've babysat before – I can't even claim that."

Sarah breathed a faint laugh before her dour uncertainty swallowed her again, "What if this feeling never goes away? I don't want to be a parent who can't love her child. I don't want to be like my dad..."

She left the words, or her mom unsaid, but Connor heard it anyway. News of her pregnancy had not been taken well by the Reese matriarch – her silence would have been telling if it wasn't also already common. Hell, his father had taken the news better than Laura Reese had and that was saying something.

"I don't think that's something you'll have to worry about," Connor murmured reassuringly, "But I don't think it would be a bad idea to talk with your OB, maybe get a referral to a psychiatrist that we can sit down with."

Her nose scrunched with distaste, but she didn't outwardly protest. Admitting this to Connor had been hard enough, she didn't know how she would be able to do this with a complete stranger.

Connor pulled away from her abruptly and she feared that her silence had aggravated him again. Yet, he merely waved his hand at her. Telling her to stay put without actually saying the words. He disappeared into the kitchen and she heard the rustling of papers. The table had become a place for him to study and peruse medical journals as he reviewed patient cases. She also went through his work papers when he was away, trying to keep up with her medical training even though she had dropped out of school. It was the only thing that seemed to settle her these days.

When he came back, he was holding a familiar envelope. Her OB had given it to the three visits ago... It had their baby's sex inside. She hadn't been interested in finding out when the topic had been brought up and Connor had followed her lead. She had been annoyed with him for that – which was why they had the envelope, in case he changed his mind, "You finally opened it."

"Nope." Connor shook his head and thrust it out to her, "You're going to open it and read it to me."

Sarah sighed, not moving to grasp the parcel, "Connor..."

"I think this kid may become a little more real to us if we can stop calling it... well it." He explained softly, not budging.

Reluctantly, she took the envelope. Already, she was preparing herself for the disappointment of not feeling anything about this revelation, but she would do this for him.

Sarah fiddled with the mouth for a moment, letting the tacky adhesive cling to her nailbeds before inching the white paper inside from its depths. Her eyes skimmed the words, not really processing the information as she read aloud, "Patient: Sarah Rhodes. Weight – we're skipping that... Prospective due date: December 4th to the 8th. Sex is male... Male. We're having a boy."

"A son." Connor exhaled softly with a slight laugh, but Sarah couldn't help but think he looked a little disappointed.

"You didn't want a son?" She asked quietly because really, she didn't know what to feel about this news.

Connor shrugged, "Truth?"

"Truth."

"I was hoping for a little girl with your curls." He answered wistfully, but a curious gleam danced in his eyes, "A son's good too. Little Conrad Rhodes.'

Sarah rolled her eyes, "No. We're not naming him, Conrad."

"Why not?"

"I don't know what your family obsession is with naming their sons with 'Co' names, but it stops with you or Claire can continue it with her kids," Sarah said firmly. She had a vague memory that his grandfather had been named Colin and his father had been Cory.

Connor smirked, "It would make yelling for us easier. First syllable out of your mouth and we'd both be paying attention."

"Or ignoring me." She returned with another roll of her eyes, "What about Desmond?"

"I didn't know we were having a 1940's musician. I'll see if I can get a swing band together." Came his droll reply that sent her into a fit of giggles, "Keiran?"

Sarah paused as she considered it, 'I thought that was a girl's name."

"Pretty sure it's unisex, like Lesley." Connor tilted his head in thought, "Ex-nay both of those. We can do better."

Sarah shook her head at him, but her hands slid back over her bump. The baby was restless. He was doing little flips and spins now that she was calming down. He... Her lips quirked up slightly and she grabbed Connor's hand to place on her belly, "Our son wants attention."

That one sentence made her heart lurch and Connor stilled as he watched her. Sarah paused as she realized that she was feeling something. It wasn't exactly joy or excitement and it wasn't panic or fear... it was something in between. Something fragile and curious, but it sure as hell wasn't numbness. A trickle of relief coursed through her, Connor was right, knowing made their baby a little more real.

"I don't know anything about boys," Sarah whispered dazedly.

Connor shook with quiet laughter, "That's why you have me, babe."

His fingers tightened over her belly, and she smiled at the reminder that he was there. Almost ruefully she uttered "My husband." I love you.

He met her smile, "My wife." I love you too.

A faint kick reminded both that they weren't exactly alone, and Sarah giggled as they spoke at the same time, "Our son."