Becoming who we were meant to be
1: Not a good day to die
Ichigo Kurosaki juggles with the pile of textbooks in a desperate attempt to regain balance and keep the tower standing. He thinks he's succeeded until one book falls on his face hard enough to smack his nose, making the rest of the textbook-tower miserably fall to the ground. Ishida Uryu instantly becomes disappointed in his own lack of logical thinking—really, he should've seen this coming long enough to be able to pull out his cellphone and film it. That would've made a great slow-motion montage, he thinks with regret.
"Fucking hell," Ichigo cusses, staring at the mess at his feet.
"I would say nice going Kurosaki but honestly I'm not even surprised by your lack of grace anymore." Uryu masterfully hides the amusement tickling his lips by pushing his glasses up on his nose.
Ichigo groans in dramatic irritation and bends down, picking up his books one at a time. "Thanks a lot, asshole. Why don't you help me pick these up instead of flaunting like a peacock?"
Uryu huffs. "Well, since you always insist on the fact that you do not need my help, I'm gonna respectfully decline the offer, thanks." He puts his hands in his pockets as he looks down at Ichigo.
Ichigo's eyebrow pops. "Right when I was beginning to think you could do something besides knitting and sewing…" he mumbles as he carefully straightens up, clutching the revisited textbook tower. He'll be damned if he lets it collapse again.
Uryu squints. He's about to retort when Kurosaki opens his trap again.
"Oh, and while we're at it," Ichigo says as he picks up the pace. "Thank you for letting me spend nearly a thousand-fucking-dollars on fancy ass textbooks when you already have all of them peacefully accumulating dust in your dorm room."
Uryu catches up with him, frown growing heavier by the second. "I need mine in perfect condition, and as you can so clearly see, Kurosaki, you cannot be trusted with such value."
Ichigo scowls deeply, now speed-walking in the hope of out-running Ishida. Honestly it could easily be achieved; the man has the stamina of a morbidly obese Dachshund. Ichigo genuinely wonders how he ever considered bringing Ishida along for textbook shopping something other than a terribly bad idea, bound for failure and disaster.
Okay, so he decided to change his major at the last minute. Okay, so he didn't know anyone to guide him through this other than four-eyes over here, and okay, maybe he had absolutely no idea what to expect of med school—regardless, he still would be perfectly fine figuring this out on his own. After all, his own grades are what got him into the program, aren't they? And that's not even considering the two years he spent studying law.
Now talk about mistake.
Law school seemed like a decent idea at the time. After a year working a part-time job and coaching Karin's soccer team fresh out of high school, his dad urged him to find something he wanted to study. Anything, he said, as long as his son was living his life to the fullest. On a whim, he chose law. Perhaps because of the integrity of it all, or the fact that he felt it would allow him to change things for the better. For the first time since graduating Ichigo seemed hopeful, and that was enough to satisfy Isshin and ease his concerns.
What might've been a decent plan, had it not been so excruciatingly boring and deceptive.
Reading. Reading. More reading. Cram it all into your memory. Reading. Watch the defense attorney play with words and manipulate the jury to vote for his shit case. Watch said attorney make money. Watch the prosecutor fail at comforting his client. More reading. It was an endless loop of misery. Ichigo was able to keep up decent grades if he tried, but for those two years of his life, he never felt so painfully out of place. The only moments of peace he got were when Rukia or Renji visited, about every couple of months, to have a hollow slay-a-thon (a great way to relieve stress, by the way) or hang out in his living room and eat ramen.
The sight of his new dorm room, one he shares with a shy looking kid he whose name he can't remember, pulls him out of his whirlpool of thoughts.
He throws his keys to Ishida, gesturing for him to unlock the door as he himself is busy carrying the mountain of books—which by the way, weighs a shit ton more than one would think. As the door finally opens Ichigo barges in and drops all of his ridiculously overpriced material on the couch. "Fucking finally," he breathes out in relief.
Ishida comes in, glancing around the room. "So, this is your new dorm, huh. Where's the roommate?"
"Uh, gone I guess." Ichigo answers. "I only met him once." He turns his attention back to his books, beginning to sort them out. Anatomy and Physiology I & II, Diagnostics, Radiology and other forms of imaging, Pathology, Pharmacology… and a couple more. How can one need so many books for the very first semester?
"Kurosaki." Ishida's voice resonates in the unfortunately small room. Ishida's always serious, but there's no mistaking the familiar note in his voice—listen up cause I'm about to say something important. Ichigo wants to preemptively roll his eyes.
"What?"
Ishida doesn't answer right away, as if hesitating with the choice of words. He wonders if he should even mention it at all, but he figures the harm is already done and next thing he knows, the words are leaving his mouth.
"Are you sure this is what you want?"
Ichigo pauses, then resumes sorting out what he just bought as if he decides he can't deal with that shit right now. "Couldn't have asked me that before I pissed away the content of my bank account?" He asks, deflecting. As if this isn't one of the biggest decisions of his life.
"I'm serious Ichigo," Ishida insists. "Do you really want to dedicate yourself to medicine? After telling me again and again how tired you were of studying for your law classes? Med school is no joke—"
"You don't think I know that?" Ichigo cuts his friend as he finally drops his books, turning around to look at Ishida straight in the eyes. "I don't know if this is for me, but I won't know until I try."
Uryu frowns. "Obviously. I just thought that when you dropped your law major... it was to accept the Seireitei's offer."
Ah.
There it is, Ichigo thinks.
Both men stare at each other for a few, weirdly quiet seconds, before Ichigo sighs heavily. "That was one year ago, Ishida. And I still have no answer to their question," he replies and averts his eyes.
One year ago, he got a proposal indeed.
The Seireitei came looking for a way to add to their forces, to make Soul Society stronger; an addition to assure it would never again risk collapsing into nothingness. God knows how or why, but they settled on one. Some were against it, didn't think it would be wise or even enough to actually make a difference, but in the end, the Central 46 voted for the project to pass. A project in which they were planning on creating a 14th Division. And obviously, that meant they needed a captain first and foremost.
Apparently, they couldn't come up with anyone better than him for the job.
Believe it or not.
He almost didn't.
Needless to say—when Rukia and Ukitake-taichou showed up at his doorstep with the proposition, he was speechless, angry, relieved, all at once in one big ball of ugly indecision. He was told to reflect on it, but no matter how many days he spent going over it again and again, looking at it from a thousand different angles, he always came back with the same answer. Ironically enough, it wasn't much of an answer in itself. He believed his time living in the human world wasn't over—he was twenty-two at the time for God's sake, a fetus in the grand scheme of things. His mother had died to make sure he could live, the least he could do was just that: live. As normal a life as he could. He couldn't let his mom's death be for nothing.
Rukia understood. Of course—he knew she would. She was always the one encouraging him to live his life the way he was supposed to. As a teenager. An adult. A college student. A human being. He remembers talking about it with her like it was yesterday, on the Kurosaki residence rooftop where he saw something in her eyes. Something she never let the world see, but for a splint of a second, let him witness. He saw a life she never got to choose. Ichigo was both human and Shinigami—he had the privilege to decide which one of those lives he wanted to live. He could even choose to keep living in balance between the two. A luxury Rukia never got. So when he told her he couldn't accept, at least not just yet, what else could she do but understand?
The sharp ring of his cell phone is like a bucket of freezing water down his back.
He mentally shakes himself, searches for his phone in his pocket and opens it one quick motion of exasperation. He doesn't even look for the ID before answering with a not-too-pleased "Hello?"
"Ichigo." His dad's low voice on the other line.
"Dad? What's up," he asks, turning away from Ishida.
Silence.
"Dad?" he asks again, and feels a twinge of anxiety that begins to form in the pit of his stomach. His dad rarely calls him, and when he does he's yelling his name in his usual craziness, not staying silent.
"Dad," he snaps to get an answer. "What is it?"
"Son, you better come home. You sister…" A shaky breath. The heaviness in Isshin's voice is too clear, almost... laced with grief. The fear makes Ichigo's stomach drop, cold sweat beading on his back. "Karin… She was in a car accident. It's bad, Ichigo."
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ichigo's heart stops. He can't tell if his lungs are still functioning. It doesn't... What should he— What the hell happened— No... She can't.
"I'll be there as soon as I can." His mouth moves on its own and he hangs up the phone before he can hear another word from his father.
He immediately turns around and, checking for the bump of his wallet in his pocket, slides out of the room.
"Ichigo, wait. What's going on? Ichigo!" He hears Ishida ask behind him but he can't answer. Instead he starts running, his legs numb as he heads straight for the train station.
The ER smells like isopropyl alcohol and biomedical waste when Ichigo flashes through the automatic doors of Karakura General Hospital. It's been about two hours since he hung up the phone, back in his dorm room, and hasn't gotten any news since, except for one text from his dad telling him they're in room E-15.
Ichigo stops at a reception desk and hears himself asking for room E-15. The lady mumbles and points, and then once again his feet are moving, fast, and his heart pumps hard, knocking in his ears.
He zooms by many hallways, then catches a thick black E-0 out of the corner of his eyes. He practically runs. E-1…E-3…E-5…E-7…E-9…E-11…E-13… He looks up and—
Thump.
His dad sits on a chair in the hallway. His head is low, too low, his shoulders slumped down in resignation.
Thump.
He hears someone crying, sobbing, in the room facing his dad, and Ichigo realizes—It's Yuzu.
Thump.
His father's arm rests on his knee, and his hand is curved upwards, as if holding someone's hand. Ichigo follows with his eyes—
Thump.
And sees Karin Kurosaki, standing in front of her father, holding his hand. Traces of tears on her face and...
…a broken chain anchored in her chest.
Thump.
This isn't happening. This can't be happening. It's all Ichigo can think right now. He can't feel his legs, yet somehow he's still standing. His ears ring in a piercingly low frequency. He takes a step forward and his dad lifts his head up just as Karin turns—two sets of eyes looking at him, though only one is alive. This isn't happening. Ichigo feels like screaming and vomiting at the same time, but he cannot utter a sound. Karin smiles at him through her pain, just as another tear falls down her cheek.
"Karin," he murmurs, hoarse.
He sees her lower lip tremble, but she keeps her smile on, as if it's the only thing preventing her from breaking. He hears another cry, then sees Yuzu come out of a room, room E-15, eyes heavy with tears and the heartbreak of loss. "Ichigo," her fragile voice manages before she runs into his arms, hugging him tight as she sobs, louder, louder, louder.
Ichigo holds his baby sister, the sight of room E-15 finally filling his view and he realizes; he's too late. There, in a hospital bed lies Karin Kurosaki's lifeless body.
"She's hasn't left her bedside in over three hours." His voice sounds like a stranger's as he says it. He's on the hospital rooftop with his dad, wind blowing in his face. It smells like it always does, but like when his mom died, nothing else seems to make sense.
"She can't see much more than a faint outline, Ichigo. Her reiatsu hasn't grown since she was eleven."
Ichigo looks down, slowly shakes his head. "She's never going to recover from this, dad."
Isshin Kurosaki puts his hand on his son's shoulder. "You're wrong," he says. "She will recover, because she knows Karin isn't really gone."
Ichigo jerks his father's hand away. "The human her is," he says, and he can't help how bitter he sounds, how angry.
Isshin's eyes soften. "Again, Ichigo, you're wrong."
Ichigo grits his teeth. This is unfair, so unfair. He imagines breaking the stone wall brick by brick, making his fingertips bleed until they're raw, smashing everything to pieces until there's nothing left, not even pain. He exhales to calm himself, trying not to lose his mind. His family needs him sane.
"Did you call Urahara?" he asks his father.
The man keeps quiet, then shakes his head. "I was waiting for you," he answers.
Ichigo rubs his eyes. "Do it. Tell him to send a hell butterfly to Rukia," he answers. He leaves at that, swinging the security door open to enter the hospital. He lets it slam shut, the metal leaving an echo behind.
Isshin stares at the door until it quiets down. He thinks he'll wake up any moment now, God knows he's had countless nightmares like this one in his years as a single parent, but nothing happens. This is a reality he has to face. Sighing, he turns back to lean on the railing, eyes looking at the town's horizon. The sky is charcoal grey and the sun begins to tuck itself away for the night. Isshin pulls his phone out of his pants pocket and dials.
It picks up after the second ring. "Kisuke," he says. "It's me."
Rukia Kuchiki is sitting at her desk in the 13th Division headquarters, squinting and straining her eyes in her last attempt to read yesterday's surveillance report. What kind of idiot would write in such an immature and deconstructed hand-writing? As she discards the document with impatience, she makes a mental note to find out who those initials belong to. If she can even make out the letters.
"Kuchiki-fukutaichou," her squad's ninth seat calls out as he slides the door open.
"What is it," she says coldly. How some people still enter a superior's room without waiting for permission first is absolutely beyond her. Byakuya would never let something like this slide twice, she thinks.
"A hell butterfly arrived for you, from Urahara-san," her subordinate tells her. She stifles a sigh.
"Fine. I'll look at it once I'm done here."
"I-It says it's urgent," the boy speaks again. This time, Rukia looks up.
After passing through the Senkaimon, Rukia stops and feels for Ichigo's reiatsu. He's never been good at controlling his spiritual energy and right now, with what's happening to his family, she knows it must be all over the place. She closes her eyes for no more than a few seconds before she finds it and interiorly grabs that distinctive red thread with her hand. She uses shunpo to move, as fast as she can, again and again until she knows he's close—suddenly her feet are touching grass and she peels her eyes open, standing in a forest.
"Rukia."
Ichigo says her name and she whips around. His amber eyes, usually so bright and vivid, are now faded into emptiness. Sober of the fire that fill them with drive, with courage, with life. With just one look Rukia knows; he is defeated. She holds his gaze, silently communicating a sea of regret and understanding. This is the only way she can let him know. I'm here for you. For all of you.
Rukia walks foward and notices Isshin and Yuzu a few feet behind Ichigo. She can practically hear Isshin's gratitude emanating from the look he gives her, soundlessly saying Thank you. Rukia stays silent. Yuzu clings to her father as if her legs can no longer hold her weight. She isn't looking towards her, in fact she isn't looking at anything at all, the expression on her face dazed and disconsolate. Rukia can only begin to imagine…what sort of pain she is going through.
The blur of Hisana's gentle face enters her mind for a split second, then vanishes.
Rukia finally sees, leaning on a tree by her family, Karin's wandering soul. She's already looking at her, arms crossed, the attempt of a smile on her lips. As if trying to lessen the heaviness of the situation.
"Rukia," Ichigo speaks her name again, breaking the silence. "I'll do it."
There's no need for anything else; Rukia knows he's talking about Konso. She turns to look at him and notices he's already in his Shinigami attire; not in his human body.
"Karin and I just had a few questions first."
"Anything," Rukia answers, turning back to nod at Karin.
Ichigo takes a few steps forward until he reenters her field of vision. "She'll be sent to Rukongai," he states. "There's absolutely no way to know exactly where, right?" He's asking as a formality, since they both know he already has the answer.
Rukia wishes she had better answers for them. "Unfortunately, no. Once we proceed with Konso, the soul finds its way to Rukongai, but the district itself is random."
Karin nods, and somehow manages the strength to look at her brother with certitude. "I'll be fine, Ichigo."
He sighs harshly in response. "You don't understand, Karin. Rukongai is made of 340 districts divided into four sections. If you somehow find yourself stuck in the lower numbers, you'll have to fight for your life."
Karin's pupils constrict. "I understand. I'm not eleven anymore, Ichigo. I'm in shape. I told you, I'll be fine."
Fuck, Ichigo almost hisses but manages to keep it in, rubbing his jaw.
"Your reiatsu is high compared to the average soul in Rukongai," Rukia cuts in just in time. "We'll have soldiers looking for you."
"I'm going too," Ichigo adds. "I know how your reiatsu feels like, Karin. I might be able to find you faster."
For a second Rukia thinks Karin will fight him on it, but she stops and nods instead.
"Will I…" Karin whispers, now loosely hugging herself. "Will I remember…" She doesn't finish her sentence but it isn't necessary. Will I remember my life? Will I remember who I am? The unspoken words hang in the air, poisonous.
"Some don't," Rukia answers in a low voice, fixating her eyes on a dark spot in the dirt before looking up. She knows, for Ichigo and his family, that the possibility hurts too much to even consider. "But some do."
"Dad, what's going on? I can barely hear anything…" Rukia suddenly hears Yuzu's small voice and the sheer heartache in it sends a chill down her spine. Yuzu glances left and right before meeting Isshin's eyes.
"It's okay, honey," he tells his daughter. "They're just talking."
"How long has it been?" Rukia suddenly asks.
Ichigo frowns slightly, a coping habit of his. "A few hours," he answers. "Hollows have already felt her spiritual pressure, I had to kill two of them."
Rukia nods. "We shouldn't wait too long before her soul draws out more of them."
Ichigo knows she's right. They both look towards Isshin.
"It's time, Yuzu..." he murmurs.
"I need to talk to her, just the two of us," Yuzu hick ups, wiping away a few tears that already escaped. "Even if I can't hear her that's okay, she just has to listen to what I have to say."
The pain is obvious on Karin's face as the twins move off to the side, over to a private spot behind trees. Karin puts her hand in her sister's hand, even though Yuzu cannot see nor feel it.
"Ichigo," Isshin says after making sure his daughters are out of sight. "Once you find her, come back and we'll—"
"I'm not coming back," Ichigo interrupts. When Isshin stares back with wide eyes, Ichigo groans and explains. "No way in hell I'm leaving her alone in there."
"Ichigo…" Rukia tries in a whisper, but Ichigo is relentless.
"Don't. I'm telling you, both of you, I'm not leaving her alone. I'll figure something out."
They both give in to silence. No matter her attempts at reasoning with him, Rukia knows there's nothing she can say or do that'll change Ichigo's mind. Isshin probably knows too, which is why he drops the matter, nodding as he closes his eyes.
The twins come back, Karin walking silently behind Yuzu, traces of tears staining her cheeks. How unimaginably agonizing it must be not to be able to say goodbye to the one person you have shared everything with… Rukia swallows and welcomes that familiar feeling of grief, like a hundred blades piercing her heart. She hurts for this family, one she has grown to know like a part of her own.
Karin steps in front of her father and hugs him. "Please take good care of her, dad…" She says with a cracking smile. "Tell her how much I love her... and not to worry about me, I'll be okay."
Isshin smiles back, wrinkles appearing at the crease of his eyes. "I know you will," he answers as he hugs her. "I'm proud of you, Karin. And your mom would be too." He kisses the top of her head before releasing her, reluctant.
Karin stands in front of Ichigo and Rukia. Her eyes expose her fear, but also a strong and striking fire of confidence that looks all too familiar.
"I'm ready," Karin whispers.
Rukia opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. There's so much she wants to say, but she can't. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Karin… Somehow this feels like it is neither the time or place, and before she knows it, Ichigo's has his zanpakuto in hand, the hilt moving lower and lower until it completely faces Karin, waiting for a soul to save.
His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows, but still manages to smile at his sister. "See you soon, baby sis."
Karin smirks at him. "I'll be waiting."
Ichigo brings Zangetsu's hilt closer until it touches Karin's forehead, and she closes her eyes at the contact, smile somehow untouched. A white light appears, originating from the contact, and surrounds Karin's body. It lasts a few seconds before the light dies down and Karin is gone.
Rukia's eyes are low. She feels cold. Ichigo's name is threatening to come out of her lips—she wants to reach out and touch his arm because it's really the only way she can let him know she's still there, supporting him. She doesn't speak, and when she moves to look at him, he's already moving and placing his zanpakuto at its usual place against his back.
"Let's go," is all he says.
Rukia blinks and regains her focus. She walks a few feet ahead and opens up a new Senkaimon. The wooden doors whoosh open, slowly, as she feels Ichigo's presence close in behind her.
"Don't worry dad." The same determination she knows by heart. "I'll find her."
Isshin grins. "I know you will, son."
Rukia waits until Ichigo is ready, nodding at her. She nods back, and together, they walk through the gates. Gates leading them right into Soul Society.
A/N: Hello, dear readers (if there's anyone left out there still reading Bleach fanfiction). I hope people still believe in ichiruki, because I sure as hell do and will never stop, no matter what may 'officially' happen. Obviously, I do not own Bleach, all the rights belong to the one and only Tite Kubo. My goal is to make this story suuuuper long and to keep it ongoing with frequent updates. Keep in mind that this takes place years after Rukia gave Ichigo his powers back. The Quincy ark (and obviously the 10-year time skip bullshit) never happened, 'cause that's what I'd like to believe :)
Reviewed and edited on 13/03/2023