Becoming who we were meant to be

4: Between clouds and stars

"Here it is," Rukia says as she slides open the door at the end of the hallway. A hallway Karin never thought would actually end but at last, here we are.

Rukia gestures for her to go in first and Karin hesitates. The room is spacious and quite simple, and consists of a futon mattress, a nightstand, as well as a low table, one she can only guess is meant for tea. It gives off that traditional japanese vibe, the same one she's been feeling ever since she entered the official Seireitei ground. Honestly, Karin wasn't exactly sure of what to expect, but she hadn't quite expected this.

When she finally walks in, Rukia and Ichigo follow behind her. Rukia then moves towards another sliding door, the only one connected to this room, and opens it. "If you want to take a bath, just pour the hot water in. There are a few towels in there, too."

Karin blinks, and nods silently, still unsure if this is all truly happening, or if she's in some kind of twisted dream. She tries to fight the dizziness away.

"You gotta be exhausted," Ichigo's voice suddenly resonates. She looks up at him. "You should get some rest."

Karin tries to speak, but somehow her mouth doesn't move. Ichigo's looking at her with a worried look on his face, although this one's different from the one's he's had ever since she…died. The word still feels bitter on her tongue. Karin wants to tell her brother she'll be fine, but again, the words are not coming out.

"Listen," Ichigo continues. "I know this is a lot to take in one day… I promise I'll answer all your questions tomorrow. For now, just let yourself recover," he says and attempts to smile at her.

Karin feels her lips smile back at him, because she really doesn't want him to have to worry about her. She learned how to take care of herself a long time ago.

"Okay," she replies quietly and Rukia exits the room first, then Ichigo follows, and the door is closed once more, silence taking over.

Karin swallows with difficulty and looks down at her hands, which have once again started to shake. Her fingernails are packed with brown dirt and Karin cracks her fingers, perhaps by reflex. She clenches her fists and sighs.

She stands in the same spot for god knows how long before her feet start making their way to the little bathroom. The bath tub is empty, but there's a big wooden container with steam radiating out of it. Karin turns around and notices a long bench. There is a pile of white towels on it, as well as a lavender-coloured kimono, neatly folded, a pair of sandals, and a hair brush.

She moves closer to the wooden container and forces the lever down, causing hot water to come pouring out loudly, and it's almost enough to startle her. The water fills up the tub rather quickly, and Karin can only stare at it until all that's left to come out are droplets of water, falling down one by one in a consistent, quiet drip.

Karin closes the door of the small room on an instinctive need of privacy. She wonders if there are any servants here, and finds herself praying not to be disturbed by one. This day has been weird enough already.

She then looks down at herself and hesitates before taking off the linen clothes on her body. She slowly strips herself of the rough material and notices her skin; sticky with dirt and dried sweat, with red patches left from the irritation of the fabric.

Karin takes the hair brush in her hand and makes her way over to the bath where steam is hanging at the surface of the water. She wonders if she should take off the bandages on her feet, before deciding not to. She touches the water with the tip of her toe first, testing the temperature. It's warm, really warm. But not too warm. Karin places the hairbrush on the floor next to the tub and climbs down into the water, one leg at a time, then lets her body get submerged.

At first, she feels a few spots on her skin burn and sting, probably a few scratched or irritated wounds that had gone unnoticed until now. Karin waits for the uncomfortable feeling to travel away before the warmth is embracing her body, and at last, she allows her muscles to fully relax.

Karin closes her eyes for a while, trying to focus on keeping her breathing as steady as possible. If she doesn't focus on that, she'll start thinking about this place, and that's not what she wants. Not now, anyway.

Right now, she cannot allow herself to realize the reality of it all.

For all she knows, she's still in her bedroom, back in Karakura Town.

No. Focus on something else, she forces herself to think.

Karin turns her head and notices the hair brush on the floor. She lifts up her hand and takes the object in between her fingers. Its made out of old ceramic, but its texture tells her it's probably far from being crappy quality. The pale turquoise color dominates, and in the center, there is a small cherry blossom flower, painted in light pink. It's…beautiful.

Karin wonders if this ever belonged to Rukia, or perhaps, to someone else that lives, or used to live, in this house. Somehow, she feels like this brush is too special for someone like her to use.

She sets is back down on the wooden tiles and decides to use her fingers instead, passing them through her hair in the hopes that it will be enough to untangle it. After a couple of minutes, she gives up, and lets her head fall under the water.

It's so peaceful there. It's like she's floating somewhere where sound and space are nothing but a theory; speculated but never really proven. A bubble of air escapes her nose, but the noise is so pure and distant, Karin continues to pretend that her lie is real.

When she finally comes back up, it's because her lungs are begging for oxygen. She looks around and notices a bar of soap of the other side of the tub. For a second she finds herself looking for shampoo, but there is nothing else. She grabs it and soaps her entire body and even her hair, scrubbing harder and harder as if it could wash away the death clinging to her skin.

She lies immobile once she's done, heart beating faster. There's a sea of brown and white around her; a mix of dirt and dissolved soap.

She stops, breathing in and out slowly to calm the building anger. She's been trying to keep the word away as far as possible, but it's now threatening to enter her mind and taint it. Unfair.

Karin blocks it out almost as soon as it appears and sighs, rinsing her body and her hair. She decides she doesn't want to stay in this room longer than she has to and gets on her feet, dragging her body out of the tub. She takes the white towel and dries herself as much as she can. She turns to the lavender kimono and takes in with both hands, revealing a long strand of white bandage that was hidden underneath. Karin frowns for a moment until she realizes, this must be what women here use to support their chest. Pushing another uneasy and foreign thought away, she unrolls the material and begins to wrap it around her breasts, tight enough to hold in place but not too tight that she'd feel like suffocating. She then puts on the kimono, which she had expected to feel heavy as hell, but much to her relief, the clothing feels light.

Hair still wet, Karin walks out of the bathroom and back into her room where she instantly knows she won't be able to sleep. Even though her body is at a point beyond exhaustion, just the thought of closing her eyes and sleeping on that mattress feels…wrong.

So instead she slides open the door that leads into the hallway and notices, at the end of it, a door leading outside. Karin turns her head left and right, making sure there's no one around before stepping into the hallway, her sandals coming in contact with the wooden floor with soft thuds. She reaches the last door, slides it open more and finally steps outside.

Green leaves and pink flowers fill up her view. This must be a garden, Karin thinks as she notices a Sakura tree in a far corner. Its flowers are not at their epitome of blossoming, but they're beautiful nonetheless. She walks over to the tree and sees a small bench, partially hidden under the tree's shadow. She sits down, hair dripping down slowly on her clothing, and sighs. And only then does she take in the serenity emanating all around her.

It feels calm, yet incredibly powerful at the same time. Like a sort of energy that fills your soul with strength and for a moment, it reassures her. She wonders, if this is the energy Urahara-san had been talking about all this time… The energy that makes up every spiritual being. It must be what makes up this entire place as well. Karin tries to remember…Urahara-san had called it perhaps…reishi?

Karin closes her eyes without realizing and inhales slowly. She feels it… Every particle in her body reaching out to feed on that source of energy as if it was food. It feels…nice and…comfortable. Something she hasn't felt in a while.

Being so focused on the amount of reishi all around her, Karin doesn't miss the presence of something different suddenly appearing. Her eyes fly open and she looks around. The presence feels even closer, and she knows it is familiar to her, although she can't explain why.

"Is someone there?" she says, louder than she had intended to. She hears some leaves rustling and instantly narrows her eyes as she sees someone walk out of the bushes and-

Her eyes widen.

A few feet away from her stands Hitsugaya Toshiro, hair as white as ever, eyes staring back at her with something she can't identify.

Saying that he has changed would be an understatement. The first thing she notices is how tall he seems to be, not as tall as her brother but definitely taller than her, even from where he's standing. His shoulders are broader than she remembers, but there's no doubt that the most striking is his face. His cheekbones, jaw line and the bridge of his nose seem more defined, giving him features that make him look…mature. His eyes, perhaps more narrow than they used to be, still display that unique teal color. The same one she remembers seeing in her childhood friend.

Karin hasn't spoken a word, and neither has he. She suddenly becomes very much aware of his gaze and crosses her arms on her chest.

"Why are you staring at me?" she asks him in a snappy tone.

He reacts, blinks, and frowns lightly. "I could ask you the same thing," he retorts.

Karin has to stop her body from flinching at the sound of his voice. She had always found his voice to be deep for a kid, but the juvenile sound of it was still noticeable. Now, it seemed as if every fragment of immaturity was gone.

"I was just thinking how puberty must've hit you pretty hard," she throws at him and her mouth wants to grin at his scowl.

"I'm not the only one who looks different."

Karin thinks about her answer for a moment. "Yeah well, usually it's normal for human girls to change between the age of twelve and twenty." She drops her arms and gestures at the kimono on her back. "And this thing doesn't help," she adds, thinking about her whole Karin Kurosaki will never be seen wearing a dress speech, back from her teenage years.

She notices how Toshiro's gone silent and she sighs, offering him a smile.

"It's been a while, Toshiro."

Toshiro barely moves, but the rigidity that was hovering over him leaves his shoulders. He takes a step forward. "It has, Kurosaki," he answers, and Karin sees the smile in his eyes.

She exhales. "Uh, I know this isn't my garden or anything but, you wanna sit?" she offers, gesturing to the bench in front of her. He moves soundlessly as Karin sits down, and he soon does the same.

Silence falls over, only broken here and there by the sound of night bugs. Karin swallows, and she's not sure if she should say something, she hasn't thought that far to be honest. Did he expect her to speak first? Was she-

"I'm sorry," his voice is hard but quiet and it disrupts her pretty-much-useless train of thoughts.

She nearly turns her head to look at him, but something stops her from doing so. It doesn't take her more than a second to understand exactly what he's talking about.

She closes her eyes for a moment, before opening the again, and smiles weakly. "You're the first person to actually say it to me," she whispers. "I think people are scared of saying it, thinking I'll take it as pity or something."

Hitsugaya stays silent, and it takes him a while to answer. "It's not pity," he says simply, and a hint of anger makes it to the surface. He doesn't add anything else to that, and Karin can't help but think that he was somehow startled by the roughness of his voice. Like it hadn't been planned. He breaths in and out, barely producing a sound. "How did…" his voice trails off, and he presses his lips together, not wanting to continue the question.

A bittersweet smile appears on Karin's face. "-It happen?" she finishes for him, and he's still not looking anywhere near her.

"You don't have to answer that," he adds.

Karin sighs, and shakes her head slightly. "It's alright," she answers. "I… I'm not sure to be honest. I know it sounds cheesy as fuck, but it did all happen too fast." She forces her eyes to stay open. The last thing she wants is to recreate or relive the scene. "One second I was driving and the next-" she stops, swallows. "Pain. And when I woke up, bam, there was a chain in my chest."

Karin feels Toshiro's body tense ever so slightly next to her. He's the one who asked, she knows, but she doesn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. She builds up enough courage and turns her head to look at him, only for a moment. She can't tell what he's thinking, and it makes her feel…frustrated.

"How'd you find out?" she asks before she can stop herself.

He blinks. "Matsumoto," he says and Karin doesn't even have the time to arch her brow before he explains, for her sake. "My lieutenant."

"Oh, right," Karin murmurs, recalling the rather…voluptuous woman. She drops her chin a little, eyes staring at the grass. "I guess the news traveled pretty quickly, then."

"Don't worry about people talking," Hitsugaya adds quickly, to Karin's surprise. "Matsumoto found out from Abarai, who I'm guessing, found out directly from Kuchiki."

Karin's ghost of a frown must've betrayed the interrogation in her eyes because he, once again, explains himself. "They're childhood friends. Or so I've heard."

"Mh," Karin hums in understanding, then snorts. "It's high school gossip all over again."

Hitsugaya furrows his brows for a moment. "Sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to overwhelm you."

Karin shakes her head. "You didn't. I'll just have to get used to it. New place means new faces, and new faces mean new names to learn."

Toshiro doesn't comment, and before Karin's thoughts can wonder off to unknown and dangerous territory, she gets up from the bench.

"I guess I should go back in, you know, try to catch some z's."

He frowns as he looks at her, and Karin can practically hear the what forming in his head. She smiles as she suppresses a laugh. "I mean catch on some sleep," she clears up, and his frown lightens.

He gets up from the bench not a second later. "Right," he murmurs and it's for the first time tonight they're both standing close enough for the height difference to be obvious. Karin doesn't know if she should laugh or scowl. She watches him take a few steps away from her, going back to where he originally came from. There's still so much she wants to talk about, and so much she wants to ask but it'll have to wait. With everything that went down in the last thirty-six hours, she's not sure she can afford taking in more. Not tonight anyway.

"Hey," she calls out and Toshiro turns back around slightly, just enough to show the profile of his face. "Thanks. I know it sounds weird but, somehow you remind me of my human life, of my childhood," she smiles through her words out of the corner of her mouth. "Even though you don't actually look like a kid anymore."

Hitsugaya stays silent, but eventually he reacts, and smiles back in the faintest way. That doesn't stop her from noticing. "Neither do you," he answers and once again turns his back to her. "Goodnight, Karin."

He disappears through the bushes. She doesn't know where he's going, or even what's beyond this garden, but for now that's okay. Karin heads for the doors of the manor and smiles, because she finally feels like Kurosaki Karin again. And that's enough. For now, it'll have to be.

Ichigo stares at the moon as it reaches its peak in the pitch-black sky. Must be around midnight or so, he guesses. His eyelids are heavy, and he feels the need to rub his face. Even so, after tossing and turning for hours on his futon bed, sleep seems out of reach. His head is spinning with a thousand questions and he feels restless.

"Not used to someone stealing my spot on the roof," he hears a voice speak through the night and turns his head to the side. Rukia makes her way over and sits down next to him, extending her legs in front of her.

"Couldn't sleep," he gives as an answer.

"I figured."

Ichigo stays silent, and Rukia waits. Even though they haven't talked like this in years, she remembers how things work between them. She doesn't need to push it. Words will come when the time is appropriate. He doesn't need to push it with her either, and he's aware. That's how it's always been for them, and Rukia finds herself feeling grateful that the past years didn't change that.

"I feel like I haven't been here in ages," Ichigo says then, and he's mumbling a little.

"Well, you haven't," she replies and wrinkles her nose. She hadn't meant for that to sound so…bitter.

Ichigo shifts next to her. "Rukia I…"

She frowns and shakes her head weakly not a second later. "Stop it, Ichigo. You know you don't have to justify yourself."

Ichigo's eyes drop. "A part of me missed it, you know."

He doesn't need to say what 'it' is. It's this. It's being a Shinigami again. It's Soul Society. It's feeling raw power exploding within him. It's holding Zangetsu in his bare hands. It's the Seireitei, and everyone that comes with it. It's the feeling of his shihakusho against his skin. It's her. It's these conversations, the ones they haven't shared in so long. It's all of it.

Rukia's mouth forms a thin line, before it loosens again. "Is it the same part of you that wants to accept captaincy?"

The tension he heard in her voice is already gone, replaced by some kind of amusement. Ichigo relaxes. "I guess so," he answers, his tone light. He then sighs. "I'm gonna talk with Karin tomorrow. Give her a choice, I guess. She only really has two options, doesn't she? Either she gets into the academy, either she lives in Rukongai."

He's not asking her, so for a while, Rukia decides not to speak. Not until her lips are moving on their own.

"It feels…surreal," she says. Saying this is useless, she's aware, but it sounds so true, that she just can't help it.

Ichigo gives a dark scoff. "Tell me about it." He tilts his head down in the faintest of ways. "I've had my share of doubts about Konso, but not in a hundred years did I think…" his eyes darken. "That I'd have to do it on a member of my family."

Rukia's heart breaks into one more piece then, and she squeezes her hands on the roof tiles, her knuckles going white to prevent her Kuchiki mask from falling. After all, she's become so used to wearing it.

"Look at me," she says suddenly and Ichigo takes a second to comply. "Do I look dead to you?"

Her words take him by surprise, and he widens his eyes slightly, blinking fast twice. "No," he answers, his voice hoarse and far away.

She takes his hand and places two of his fingers on the side of her neck. Ichigo stays silent as he feels, under the thin skin of Rukia's neck, her pulse. Beating. Strong and steady. She holds his hand there, and he swallows.

"Do I feel dead to you?"

He looks at her in the eyes, figuring them out. "No." His voice resembles a whisper, but it is unwavering. Rukia drops his hand and it falls back on the rough surface of the roof.

Rukia lets a breath escape, quietly. "Karin is not dead, Ichigo. She's still here. Just like you and me."

Ichigo doesn't answer, he's not sure his mouth can form words worth speaking. Rukia's eyes break away from his as she turns her body back to face forward, resting her weight on her arms. He does the same.

He then chuckles once, and his lips curve in a sliver of a smile. "You're right."

Rukia eyes him from the side and puffs her chest. "Why, of course I am," she replies with a proud scoff. A small grin appears on her face. "When are you going to learn, I'm always right."

"Yeah, don't push it though." Ichigo's mouth suddenly splits into a large yawn and he stretches his arms above his head before letting his upper body fall back until he's completely lying on the roof, arms under his head.

Rukia rolls her eyes in fake annoyance and raises her hand, about to stretch out her arm to hit Ichigo on the shoulder -after all, she always liked having the last word- but stops as she glances at his face. His eyes are closed, using his forearms as an improvised pillow and his stomach rises up and down with each breath. The kind of breath that looks deep and steady, as if he's already falling asleep, drifting towards the other world.

Rukia's hand falls back on her lap and she smiles to herself, her eyes turning to the moon.

Idiot.