Becoming who we were meant to be
6: Let me lend you strength
"Ichigo? Are you listening?"
Ichigo shakes his head out of his dazed state and sees Rukia looking up at him with what is half of an angry face, half of a worried one. He must've gotten reeled into his own swirling thoughts, yet again. It feels like he can't really help it though. He's always hated feeling nervous, let alone letting it show, but the needles he feels in his gut and the picking up of his pulse only make him feel less and less confident as he stands in front of the captain's assembly hall, waiting for those humongous doors to open.
"Sorry," he tells Rukia as he frowns slightly. "But shit, Rukia. What if I go in there and they laugh in my face?"
Rukia sighs as places her hands on her hips. "Ichigo, do you really think Ukitake-taichou would've requested a captain meeting if he didn't believe in your offer?"
Ichigo swallows with difficulty. "You told him what this was about?"
"I had to," she answers without hesitation. "Plus, it's not like most people aren't figuring it out by now, with Karin in the picture."
Ichigo supresses another sigh as his mind goes straight to his sister. She had insisted on coming, even more so than he had expected, but in the end Rukia had succeeded in convincing her to do otherwise. That had been the right thing to do, given that at least now he could somewhat try to focus on the task at hand.
"Hey," Rukia says as she places a small, gentle hand on his arm. He looks into her eyes, and she gives him a knowing look. "It'll be fine," she murmurs and for a second, all he hears is her voice, forming those four simple words. The anxiety slowly vanishes in his chest and he wants to reach for her hand and hold it, for hours until there's nothing left besides him and her. Before he can move a muscle though her hand slips off him and she blinks away.
That's when the sound of doors opening behind them make his heart skip a beat. He turns around and sees two men, looking very much like guards, standing in the way.
"Kurosaki Ichigo, you may follow us."
Ichigo turns back to Rukia. She nods at him. "I'll be waiting," she tells him, and he nods back before following the guards inside the assembly hall.
After walking along a long an weirdly quiet corridor, they reach another, smaller set of doors. The guards slide it open and stand on the side, gesturing for him to enter the room. Ichigo hesitates for a second or two, but then he notices the line up of captains standing in there; some of them paying no particular attention to him, and others staring at him.
"Kurosaki Ichigo," Yamamoto declares in a rusty voice, both hands balancing his weight on that same old wooden cane. He's standing on a higher surface at the end of the room and his wrinkled eyes appear to be closed, although it wouldn't be surprising if they were actually open. "You may enter."
Trying to build up a wall of confidence and ignore the gnawing uncertainty in his stomach, Ichigo walks into the room. He instantly makes eye-contact with Kyoraku, who's giving him a wise grin, and with Ukitake, who's smiling in his usual kindness. Ichigo decides to take that as a good sign as he makes his way between the two lines of captains, and stops only once he's facing Yamamoto. Silence falls over the room.
"Kurosaki Ichigo," Yamamoto starts again. "I was informed by Ukitake that, in light of recent events, you had gone back on your decision to refuse our former captaincy offer. Is that correct?"
Ichigo swallows and focuses his eyes on the old man. "That is correct, Yamamoto-soutaichou," he answers, making additional efforts to sound polite. In normal circumstances or in a one-on-one setting, he felt rather at ease with the captains of the Gotei 13. But in this particular moment with thirteen pair of eyes and ears on him, he knew a certain formality was required, and probably expected of him.
"My little sister, Karin, died in a car accident in the world of the living, a few days ago." Ichigo can feel the hard and curious stare of a few captains penetrating his back, but he ignores it and carries on with the story. "Not too long ago we were able to find her in East Rukongai, district seventy-two."
"Quite an unfortunate place to land in," Yamamoto murmurs in a dismissive tone. When he speaks again, his voice is much louder, and much harder. "Kurosaki Ichigo, are you aware that bringing a wandering soul from Rukongai, one that is not a Shinigami, goes against our laws?"
Ichigo's heart drops and his mouth hangs open. "I…"
"If I may, Yamamoto-soutaichou," a voice that Ichigo doesn't immediately recognizes steps in. "The Kurosaki children have taken on their mother's maiden name. Their last name should be, by the Seireitei's laws, Shiba."
Ichigo turns around with widened eyes and to see that Toshiro has stepped forward and out of the line to directly speak to the head-captain. The young, although very different looking captain doesn't meet his eyes.
"They are, technically speaking, of noble blood," Toshiro finishes and steps back in line. Ichigo notices a few shocked looks going back and forth between Hitsugaya and Yamamoto. He can only conclude that Toshiro must not speak very often during captain meetings, especially not when it involves talking back to the head-captain.
"Hm," Yamamoto grumbles, obviously displeased. "Yes, I was aware of that, Hitsugaya-taichou." His tone is firm and unbreakable, so much so that Ichigo almost feels bad for Toshiro. "Kurosaki Ichigo," he jumps back to him. "We allowed you to break countless laws along the years, because of everything you did for us. However, if you accept captaincy, you must understand what that means."
Ichigo waits, and Yamamoto eventually continues. "This means you would no longer only be partly associated with the Seireitei, you would be completely so. You can imagine why you would be expected to follow the laws, and live by them."
Ichigo breathes in and out, so silently he doesn't even hear it himself. He clenches his right hand into a fist, and lets it drop again. "I understand," he says.
"Hm," Yamamoto groans again, this time perhaps in approval. "Now about your sister. What exactly were you expecting from me?"
A sudden spark of nervous apprehension catches on fire within him. This is it, he thinks.
"I'm sure every one of you can imagine how a life in Rukongai is not what I hope for my sister, especially given her young age. She was supposed to be starting her adult life, not lose it," Ichigo pauses for a moment as his eyes fall to the floor. "Therefore, I ask you to consider letting her join the academy as a Shinigami apprentice."
A shocked rustle comes from someone behind him but Ichigo carries on right away. "Karin has always shown great interest in Shinigamis, ever since she found out about this world when she was eleven years old. Since then, her reiatsu has grown undeniably. She's been learning more and more about fighting hollows ever since she was fourteen, and trained under Kisuke Urahara's mentoring." This time Yamamoto's head moves in surprise, in the most subtle way but it's still enough for Ichigo to notice.
"With proper training, I am absolutely sure that she could become an incredibly powerful Shinigami," he lowers his head slightly before bringing it back up in a sort of nod. Yamamoto doesn't add a word, and neither does he.
For a second the silence in the room puts so much pressure on his shoulders, Ichigo feels like his posture is hunching on its own.
"That is quite a request you ask of us," the old man mumbles, although clearly enough for Ichigo to hear the dissatisfaction. "Unfortunately, even if it is your sister's wish to enter the academy, I am not sure her current judgement can be trusted. After all she is still a child, as are you."
Ichigo's entire world pivots before the old man is even done talking, and an angry frown makes its way onto his face in a matter of seconds.
"You may be right. But then again, it is this very child that saved this place more times than one can count, and it is this child you want as captain of your new division," he spits out on pure instinct and something suddenly wakes up in his gut. Something that had long been buried away, under that overwhelming pile of humanity.
"Watch your mouth, human," a female voice strikes with venom from behind.
"Stay out of it, Soi Fon," another voice interrupts, one he recognizes as Shinjis'.
Ichigo's eyes are practically slits as he stares at Yamamoto, and he feels himself burning with a purpose and devotion he hasn't felt in years. He won't back down. He just can't.
Good to see you're finally back, King.
Ichigo's heart jumps in surprise and his eyes almost widen at the sound of that unrealistic, twisted voice, resonating within the darkest parts of his soul. That voice he hasn't heard in ages. That presence he thought had fallen into an eternal sleep.
Yet he's even more surprised to feel, instead of a draping fear clawing to his heart, a boost in confidence that nearly makes his mouth turn into an impulsive grin.
It's like he's a snake who's shed a skin he wasn't supposed to shed.
And now, he's back right into it.
And at that moment, the overwhelming anxiety he felt before coming in the room feels like a distant memory.
"Silence, all of you," Yamamoto snaps. "Kurosaki Ichigo," he brings out his name again, like he's a kid getting grounded for smearing spaghetti sauce across his face in front of guests at the dinner table. "I would advise, for your sake and your sister's, that you learn how to keep that arrogance of yours at bay." The old man's voice is threatening, but Ichigo forces himself to remain unchallenged. "However," Yamamoto continues. "I suppose the fact that Kurosaki Karin is a descendant of the Shiba bloodline cannot be overlooked. I will allow your sister to pass the entry exam of the academy, if and only if you get the approval of the current head of the Shiba clan."
"No need to waste your time gentlemen, she's standing right here," a loud voice suddenly barges in through the doors and Ichigo's eyes widen as he recognizes that person as the one and only, Kukkaku Shiba.
Two guards stumble ungracefully behind her, looking startled and frantic.
"O-our apologies, sir! She came in without being noticed. We're not sure exactly h-."
"Well, this is quite the spectacle," an amused Shunsui giggles from an unknown corner in the room.
"Silence!" Yamamoto yells, obvious anger rising up in his reiatsu as he plants his wooden cane on the floor with a loud bang. "Get back to your post, both of you." To which the guards shamefully nod their heads in understanding as they retrieve behind the doors, once again closing them.
"Shiba Kukkaku, what is the meaning of this?" Yamamoto asks, sharp.
Kukkaku smirks at Yamamoto, not bothered by his anger even in the slightest. Ichigo feels a sort of relief now that she's here, but at the same time has no idea what to expect. "Little birdie told me you would need a word of blessing of mine to accept Kurosaki Karin at the academy. Based on what I just heard a moment ago, that birdie was right."
Yamamoto breathes in sharply. "I suggest you move straight to the point, Shiba-san, my patience is running low."
Kukkaku grins at him and pulls out a curled-up piece of paper from the cleavage of her shirt. She waves it in the air before walking to Yamamoto and handing it over to him.
"This form stipulates that I specially request Kurosaki Karin's immediate acceptance in the academy's first year class."
Ichigo couldn't quite believe his ears. A heavy cloud fell over the room, eyes constantly going back and forth between the head of the Shiba clan and the head-captain of the Seireitei as Yamamoto analyses the form, eyes scanning fast through those thick grey eyebrows.
He makes a growling sound of unknown source, and folds the paper once more.
"There will be a captain meeting in two days from now to attend to the matter of Kurosaki Ichigo's captaincy," he taps twice on the floor with his wooden stick. "You are all dismissed."
Ichigo blinks, feeling dazed and confused. As if this whole meeting had been carried out in a bubble, excluded from the rest of the universe. The captains start moving out of the room, and Yamamoto has already disappeared, Sasakabe following closely behind. Ichigo's eyes move to Kukkaku who is already turning around to exit the place. He quickly runs after her.
"Kukkaku, wait!" he yells once he catches up to her in the hallway. She turns around, a questioning look on her face.
"What the hell was that," Ichigo asks in a way he knows sounds snappy, but he's way too confused to care right now.
She scoffs, her only hand resting on her hip. "What, no thank-you-for-coming-to-this-god-awful-place? That was me saving your ass, Ichigo."
"Like hell it was, you just pissed him off enough for him to call out the meeting! Now there's no way he'll ever let Karin into the academy!" His poise has now completely slipped away, and there's no point in trying to grasp what's left of it.
Kukkaku grits her teeth, and it's pretty clear she's growing more annoyed by the second. Ichigo knows she came here to help, but he can't help but think that any chance he had of getting Yamamoto to agree with him is now gone. "In case you hadn't noticed, you had managed to piss him off well enough for the both of us before I even got here, idiot," she blurts back at him.
Ichigo opens his mouth to talk back, brows frowned and lips thin in exasperation when Kukkaku cuts him off. "Let me stop you right there before you continue whining like a little prick," she starts and her gaze immediately intensifies into something that could scare off a thousand soldiers. "Yamamoto called off the meeting because he knew there was nothing else to be said. Like I said, I gave him an official request in the name of the Shiba clan for Karin to join the academy, affected immediately. I don't think you know just how much power noble clans have, Ichigo. In fact I'm surprised you and your Kuchiki friend haven't figured that out already. There's nothing Yamamoto can do once such a request is made. I don't even think they can push their so-called exam onto her. She's in, and that's the end of it."
Ichigo feels his anger vanish and his muscles relax, one by one as he stands there, quite honestly speechless.
Okay, so maybe he over-reacted a little.
Kukkaku sighs loudly, and for a second Ichigo thinks she's gonna punch him straight in the face, but instead she presses two fingers to the bridge of her nose and turns around. "Now if you'll allow me to get the hell out of this goddamn place."
"Kukkaku, wait," Ichigo calls out, softer this time.
She turns around once more with frowned brows in a what-the-fuck-do-you-want-from-me-now sort of way.
Ichigo bites the inside of his cheek. "I'm really sorry about coming at you like that, I just thought-" Ichigo's voice trails off. "I guess it doesn't matter now. Anyway, I really want to thank you." Kukkaku studies him with frown brows, hand still set on her hip. "How did you even know about this whole thing?" he asks her then.
The woman flashes a one-second grin, right before it disappears. "Yoruichi came to see me. Her and Urahara had apparently figured out this whole plan way before you did. Not that it surprises me."
Ichigo widens his eyes for a moment and looks down, before finally scoffing. "I guess that makes sense."
"Ichigo," Kukkaku speaks, her voice serious. "If you want my last piece of advice; if you really want to start living here, I don't think getting on Yamamoto's bad side is the best plan of action. Although," she smirks. "It was worth it to see that expression of pure irritation on his face."
Ichigo grins back. "Yeah," he answers, but he feels dismissive. To be honest a part of him isn't totally sure that Yamamoto will take him seriously ever again.
"Anyway, if that is all, I am outta here," Kukkaku says brushing a piece of black hair away from her face.
"Thank you, Kukkaku, really."
Kukkaku smiles for a brief moment before walking away, gesturing her goodbye with the back of her hand. "Meh, I guess in some twisted way, we're still family," she calls out and without another word, vanishes out of sight.
Ichigo takes a moment to collect his thoughts, and eventually lets a smile appear on his face as he starts walking, making his way to the outside of the assembly hall, where Rukia said she would be waiting for him.
He sees her before she sees him. She's leaning her back on some kind of pillar, one knee bent and her chin resting in between her fingers, eyes lost in her thoughts. Ichigo notices her biting her lip right before she lifts up her gaze and catches sight of him, eyebrow raising up as she moves out of her position.
"So?" she asks almost immediately.
Ichigo scratches the back of his head and looks to the side, shoulders shrugging on their own. "It could've gone better, but it also definitely could've gone worse."
"Hold the hell up," Karin interrupts, holding her hands in the air. "You're telling me dad is actually part of some noble clan?"
"Not anymore," Ichigo answers, frowning more than ever with all the politic conversations he's been having today. "Apparently, he used to be the head of the Shiba clan, but gave up on the title when he moved to the world of the living."
Karin's eyes are wide in a scowl and her mouth hangs partly open. "How did I never hear about all of this until now?"
Ichigo shrugs half-heartedly. "I guess dad kept even more secrets than we thought."
"Yeah, maybe," Karin growls. "But he's not the only one." Before Ichigo can ask what exactly she means by that Karin shakes her head and continues. "Wait so, the current head of this Shiba-whatever clan asked for me to be accepted into the academy? Why the hell would they do that?" Karin scoffs in disbelief.
"I've met the woman in the past, and she's been friends with Urahara and Yoruichi for god knows how long. They're actually the ones who contacted her in the first place."
Karin frowns at that. "Friends with Urahara-san and…Yoruichi? You mean the black cat that hangs around Urahara's shop?"
Ichigo remains speechless for a good five seconds, stuck staring into nothingness, hoping the floor with engulf him and eat him alive so he won't have to continue this conversation.
After Karin decides that she's heard enough nonsense for the day and goes out for fresh air, Ichigo finds himself wandering the streets of the Seireitei alone, his feet making their way to the Thirteen division's barracks. He meets Rukia halfway through the training grounds, and in some way or another, they end up sitting side to side in the grass, where he decides to tell her every single detail of that captain meeting, including his conversation with Kukkaku Shiba. He didn't have time to go into much detail when the meeting finished, since Rukia had to go back to her division for squad training. When he's done explaining, Rukia remains silent for longer than he originally expected.
"I heard that the Shiba clan had started gaining their power back, but I didn't know they were once again being considered the fifth great noble house," Rukia says, eyes lost somewhere far away. Ichigo notices she's almost hugging herself with her arms. His gaze travels back to her concerned face.
"Kukkaku told me, she was surprised you and I didn't figure out how much power noble houses have," he pauses. "Do you know what she meant by that?"
Rukia's face twitches and she looks down, as if this is some kind of touchy subject. It's a while before she turns her eyes to him. "She must have been referring to how I graduated from the academy."
Ichigo frowns, confused. "What do you mean?"
"I never actually graduated, Ichigo," Rukia murmurs, her voice low and almost…lifeless. "Nii-sama and the Kuchiki clan had me placed into a squad before I even completed my training at the academy."
Ichigo takes in a surprised breath. "Oh," he says, trying to prevent the unexpectedness of it all to come out. Not that it's much of a success.
"I guess she's right… I should know by now, how much power noble houses have," Rukia whispers with a distinctive troubled expression, not able to bring herself to look at him in the eyes.
Ichigo knows what's going on in her head twirls around the painful memories of shame, the death of her sister, the coldness of the Kuchiki clan, and also most likely…
…Kaien Shiba.
"Well," he says suddenly, smirking through white teeth. "If that's the case I should thank them." He notices Rukia looking up at him with wide eyes but he keeps his head high and straight. "If you wouldn't have joined the thirteenth division at that specific moment, we may never have met, and I probably wouldn't be standing here, alive."
Rukia's lips slowly part at his unexpected words, he can see it from the corner of his left eye. He closes his eyes and sighs, smile not leaving his face. In this specific moment, he feels like the luckiest person on earth.