Becoming who we were meant to be
14: Take my hand
Sleep doesn't come easy for Karin that night. Doesn't come at all, actually. The images invade and take shelter in her head, and no matter how much she twists and turns on her mattress, she cannot catch a second of peace. The deafening silence. The absent moon. The fog. It's like she can still feel it in her lungs, dragging along the surface of her organs.
But what torments her the most, playing on repeat like a broken record, is that voice. Impregnated in her mind, it feels grotesque. Yet, that is not the reason why it leaves a trail of fear down her throat. Somehow, and for a reason Karin cannot begin to understand, the voice resonates with familiarity.
Like she's known it all her life.
Huffing out a strangled breath as she pushes the cover off her, Karin sits up, her head pounding and her heart loud in her ears. She feels sick, she needs to get up, get out, get away-
Without any other thought Karin puts on her attire, leaving behind the toxicity of her room and exiting the academy grounds, her feet leading her through the dark streets of the Seireitei.
Karin's head is spinning, but it somehow doesn't stop her from feeling blank and nearly empty. Like a ghost wandering aimlessly. She notices a few patrolling officers shooting her cautious looks, only to lose interest after seeing the red and white patterns of her uniform. She doesn't really know where she's going, if she's even going anywhere at all. For a moment she thinks about finding Ichigo, but then remembers she has no clue where his new living quarters are. Besides, at this hour he's either sleeping or he's busy with some kind of new captain duty.
Nonetheless Karin keeps on walking, in fact it's almost like her legs can't seem to stop. Maybe if she finds the 10th division barracks, she could find Rangiku. Maybe the woman would have a drink or two to spare. But then again, the last thing Karin would want is to disturb her.
Karin sighs quietly. Maybe she should just go back-
Her eyes flick up when she sees a taller figure standing in front of her. She blinks, and his eyes widen, just slightly, and in the snap of a finger the noxious thoughts that had been taunting her mind evaporate. She blinks again, clearing her throat.
"Hi."
Toshiro seems surprised to see her, even under that usual cold expression of his. "Hi," he echoes.
His voice catches her off guard. For some reason she still expects to hear his old voice, the one from when they were kids running around Karakura town. Back when her biggest worry was winning a soccer game. It feels like ages ago, and the memory makes Karin wince.
"What are you doing here?" she asks, genuinely wondering.
He raises a brow, but barely. "Hm, this is my captain barracks."
Karin snaps back into reality like a bucket of freezing water was just dropped on her head, finally glancing around at her surroundings. Shit.
Talk about embarrassing.
"Oh." Her cheeks flare at the dawning realization and Karin can't even remember the last time she blushed. What the hell is wrong with her tonight? "I-I'm sorry, I was just taking some fresh air to, you know," she shrugs, a nervous chuckle making it past her lips without her consent. "Clear my head."
She begins backing away when Toshiro squints his eyes at her. "Anyway, sorry for the intrusion. I'll peace out now."
Ignoring her world of the living slang, Toshiro stops her. "Karin," he pauses, and Karin freezes as the sound of her first name leaving his mouth. She turns around, meeting his eyes.
"Are you okay?"
She ponders over the question for a few dragging seconds but stops the answer before it can even come to be.
Then Toshiro is taking advantage of her silence, gesturing to something behind him. "I was about to make some tea."
His words are a hidden invitation. She doesn't know how long they just stand there, both waiting for her to articulate her answer, but eventually Karin finds herself agreeing and follows his footsteps inside.
Toshiro's captain's barracks are insanely neat. Well, the common room they first enter is, and knowing Toshiro, Karin can only imagine the rest of the place is just as clean. She supresses a smirk at the thought.
She takes place on a sitting mat while Toshiro prepares tea; Hojicha, if Karin is right about the notes of aromas flying in the air and traveling to her nose.
When he finally joins her at the kotatsu, Karin hushes a thank you for the beverage and stares at its fuming content. She dares a glance at Toshiro which tells her he seems to be doing the same.
"I never thanked you for the hair band." Her voice interrupts the silence. She tries offering a small grin when Toshiro meets her eyes across the table, teal irises peeking through the steam.
He glances up at the high ponytail on her head and the corner of his lips stretch up. "I figured having hair covering your vision in the middle of training would be annoying." He pauses briefly, as if he hadn't justified himself quite enough. "Matsumoto has at least a billion of those and doesn't make use of them."
Karin's grin widens at his explanation. "Well, thanks anyway."
She blows softly on the surface of the drink, the cup warm between her palms. It's soothing, and Karin has yet to take the first sip.
"Are you going to answer my question?"
Karin brings the cup of tea up to her lips and drinks, forcing the burning liquid down her throat. It seems to temporarily put her at ease, and she shrugs.
"I'm fine, really." She huffs. "Just had a long day is all."
Toshiro studies her while he keeps quiet; either trying to see through her vague answer, either wondering what his own next words should be. Finally, he closes his eyes.
"You know you don't have to lie to me, Karin."
She tenses. Is it that obvious? She thought she was doing a good job adjusting to the lifestyle. Meddling in with everyone. Sure, she doesn't really have friends at the academy, but it's not like she even had that many in the human world. She hadn't lied to Ichigo, and even if it had been to put his mind at ease, she knew her reassurance had been truthful. So then why did it suddenly feel like she had thousand-pounds worth of secrets weighing on her chest, just waiting to burst out?
Images of her nightmare suddenly flash in her mind, but she pushes them away as soon as they appear. It was just a nightmare, after all.
Her hands clench around the cup, brows furrowed as her eyes dig deep into the liquid. "I swear I'm not lying when I say I'm…really fitting in more than I could ever think I would be. But-." Karin bites the inside of her cheek until she can taste blood, and then she exhales, letting go of everything else in the process.
"There's stuff I can't tell my brother. Can't really tell anyone, actually. Because I'm too goddamn lucky. I'm lucky to have had such a full human life. I'm lucky to have had the chance to keep my memories and remember who I am. I'm lucky to have been born the twin with high spiritual energy. I'm lucky to have Ichigo as a brother, because he got me here, and without him I would be rotting away in some slum, barefoot and starving. I know all of that. I know. But I just-." Karin shakes her head, partly weak, partly infuriated. "I can't help it, sometimes I just…"
Her voice becomes lower then and she sighs. "Within these circumstances, I know it's ridiculous. But I miss playing soccer, and-." She pauses. "I miss watching stupid movies with my sister." Her chest hurts, but she tries to get past it. "And I want to learn, I really do. I want to learn how to become better at protecting people. Like my brother did. And he gave up so much, hell, he gave up his actual fucking life to follow me here, to keep protecting me. The least I can do is give it my all."
Karin takes a breath and the tension she had built up deflates a little, as if giving up. All those thoughts, the ones she had locked away in a safe for weeks now had just unleashed in a manner that could only be described as an ungraceful, incoherent word-vomit. Might as well let it all out. Even the dumbest part of it.
"And we started practicing Zanjutsu." Her voice is now barely louder than a whisper. She waits, clicking her tongue. "I suck at it."
Silence comes back upon the room, heavy and unwavering. Toshiro keeps his cold eyes on his drink, honestly most likely regretting ever asking her what was wrong in her first place, if Karin can guess. Embarrassment resurges for the second time today, an emotion she's all too unfamiliar with. Maybe she shouldn't have let it all come out. Fuck, how much of an ungrateful little brat does that make her? Should she just apologize and straight up leave? It certainly would put an end to the uncomfortable air hanging above her-
"I could teach you."
His words don't register right away, in fact it's like she can't quite believe he's actually said them. She blinks up at him, incredulous, and sees him flick his eyes to her as he waits for an answer.
She doesn't manage more than one syllable. "Huh?"
Toshiro fidgets on his seat, something that's quite rare for him to do. His eyes narrow, but it's probably more out of habit than anything else. "You said you sucked at Zanjutsu," he pauses. "I could teach you."
Karin's mouth falls open slightly, for lack of better words, or any words, really. It takes her a few seconds to form a coherent sentence.
"Are you…sure?" She blinks again. "Aren't you super busy?"
Toshiro clears his throat and finally looks away with a shrug. "I have some free time. Actually, how about now?"
Now?
It's not like she has anything better to do. Quite the opposite. Even though it's the middle of the night and she'll probably be a walking corpse tomorrow, it's not like she would even catch a minute of decent sleep if she went back. If anything, training would take her mind away from…well, everything. She realizes…Toshiro isn't stupid. Hell, he might even be the smartest person she knows. He certainly knows what he's doing.
Karin suddenly feels grateful, more than she can even explain. "Okay," she eventually agrees, nodding her head. "Thank you."
When Toshiro offers her a small smile, Karin feels something bloom and allows herself to let go of stale tensions.
"Follow me," he says as he gets up from his sitting position, his cup of tea still warm and untouched.
Karin does as he instructs and follows him quietly through his barracks; passing by a couple rooms before reaching what seems to be a training room. The room is larger than the others and spacious, but what catches the eye are the dozens of katanas hanging on the back wall, almost like a shrine.
Karin approaches the back wall and studies the weapons carefully, one by one. Each seem to carry individual features and advantages, although she really isn't the most qualified person to judge them. Hence her presence here.
Toshiro grabs two wooden swords, similar to the practice ones from the academy, and throws one in the air which Karin manages to catch, although a little clumsily.
"So, what did you guys learn so far?" Toshiro asks from a meter or so away. Weirdly, he seems even taller than he did before.
Frowning a little, Karin struggles to even find a comfortable position for her hands on the hilt. "Well, the others manage to keep up a fight, while I..."
There's not much more explanation needed; Toshiro's eyes drop to the stiffness of her hands and his expression softens a degree or two.
"We'll start with the first step then; the hold." He walks over to her and stands on her left, showing her the grip he has on his sword. "See how I place my dominant hand above my other one, like this?" Karin studies his position carefully, eyes narrowing. She attempts to mimic it, but the sword feels even heavier and tilts downwards despite her best efforts. Damn, this is just a wooden sword, what's it going to be like with a real one? She huffs a breath, not pleased.
Toshiro instantly notices her struggle and suppresses a laugh at the sight of her thin forearms. "I think the problem comes from your wrists. See how you're twisting them in opposite directions?"
"Uh…" Karin frowns as she looks at her wrists, trying to see what he means but fails. "Not exactly."
Toshiro places his sword on the floor, freeing his hands. He then moves closer to Karin and makes her jump slightly when he reaches over and taps her wrist with his fingers. His touch is cold but seems to start a series of consequential reactions; her skin feeling like it's now on fire and her heartbeat increasing its pace. Karin swallows down her nervousness and tries to stay focused.
"See?" he says once more. "Your right wrist is rotated outwards, while your left wrist is rotated inwards. This makes it even harder for you to hold the sword." He takes hold of both of her wrists then, turning them back into a more neutral position. "How's this?" he asks.
Karin feels the weight in her hands. It's still heavy, but at least it's doable. "A little better."
He backs off a few steps, studying her position. "I think if you strengthen your wrists and your forearms, you'll have a much easier time holding the sword."
Karin meets his eyes then scoffs, feeling her frowning face relax a tad. "Too much soccer resulted in me lacking upper body strength, huh?"
"Maybe." Toshiro returns the grin and Karin feels warmth spread in her abdomen like it's been set to react to his every goddamn move. Fuck. What the fuck-
Before she can allow another thought, Toshiro is grabbing his sword again, holding it with a single hand. "Should we move on to feet positioning?"
Karin blinks, nodding the dizziness away. "Yeah. Let's do it."
"Focus, Ichigo. Think of it as if you're bottling up an erupting volcano."
Ichigo squints under the intensity of the morning sun. He hears Rukia's words and attempts to focus on them, but it's like something's missing. Like he's right there, so close to succeeding, yet something kicks him last second and he trips, and fails.
Nonetheless, he repeats Rukia's metaphor in his head. Bottle up the volcano, bottle up the volcano, bottle up the volcano. His mind begins echoing the words by itself and Ichigo feels something rising, and it's right there between his palms, appearing little by little, growing stronger and-.
BOOM.
Ichigo backs up with a startled step as yet another ball of spiritual energy explodes, leaving him gritting his teeth in frustration. "For fuck's sake," the cuss makes it past his lips.
Rukia sighs from where she's standing, hands on her hips in what seems like her hundredth attempt to help Ichigo control his reiatsu. Something's missing, or misplaced, and she has to find out what.
She had gone over the options about a thousand times in her head. And as much as she knew the man behind Kurosaki Ichigo, she hadn't quite cracked the mystery of his reiatsu. Not yet, anyway.
She had also contemplated what would happen if he were never to succeed in controlling his reiatsu and achieving basic kido skill. It wouldn't be the end of the world, really, considering how much power Ichigo carried with him -without mentioning the likeliness of him unlocking a pool of potentially even more power, especially with regular training-, it's not like he even needed kido to prove himself as a highly-ranked officer; as a captain.
But Hirako-taichou's words weren't to be ignored. Ichigo had to make sure he would be able to control his hollow, one way or another. And controlling his hollow meant controlling his spiritual pressure first. Rukia wouldn't give up until he succeeded in doing so.
Her thoughts traveled to their conversation of the night before, when Ichigo had come to meet her in her office right after his discussion with Atsuyo Shiba, not wasting a single minute to let her in on the details.
As short-lived as their conversation had been, Ichigo had been struck by how polite and respectful Atsuyo was, perhaps due to how much arrogance he had shown during his first appearance at the captain meeting. Rukia had to admit his reaction was justified, as even she had been caught off guard.
They had gone over many possible explanations, the most likely being that the boy had simply been nervous when having to appear before every captain and vice-captain of the Seireitei. He was only a fourth-year student at the academy after all, and his professional experience was undeniably lacking.
His skills, his past, his motives… Even though all of those were still unknown both to Ichigo and herself, Rukia couldn't help the tugging feeling in her gut, the one that made her relate to Atsuyo Shiba, despite all the red flags his unquestioned promotion had raised.
Even though he wasn't one to let his guard down, Ichigo had told her he wanted to follow his instinct and give the kid the benefit of the doubt. She decided she would do the same.
Rukia swallows uneasily as an undesired thought passes through her mind. Nobles. Nausea settles down her throat which she tries to ignore. She has gotten pretty good at it, after all.
She hasn't told him anything about it, but Ichigo isn't stupid. He knows something is going on. Her miserable attempts at hiding her anxiety weren't enough -because, really, what could she ever hide from him- because there's no way he didn't notice that something's bothering her. He just decided not to push, probably for her sake.
It's not like she doesn't want to tell him, but now isn't the time.
It is her problem to deal with.
"Okay, let's try something else," she tells him when seeing how discouraged he's getting, and gestures over to a calmer spot under the shadow of a tree. She sits down in the grass and he repeats her movements.
She looks into his eyes, shaking her head slightly. "Your mind is a mess. Of course your reiatsu is going to be just as messy," she states, waiting to see the reaction her words will elicit.
His reaction consists of a roll of his eyes and a deepening of his scowl. "Well, I don't know what else to do, Rukia. Even meditating didn't work, is there even anything left to try?"
Rukia considers it for a while, gently biting her lip with her head lost in thoughts. She lifts her gaze back to him when something clicks into place. "Let me ask you something. Did you ever manage to control your reiryoku in the past?"
Ichigo thinks about her question, going back to seven, eight, nine years ago. He nods. "Yeah, twice."
"How did you manage to do it?"
Ichigo gives a shrug of his shoulder as he recalls the memory. "Well, the last time was when I needed to achieve the final Getsuga Tensho to defeat Aizen."
The name leaves a weird feeling on his tongue, especially after so many years of not pronouncing it. Ichigo frowns but remains focused on Rukia's questions. It seems the memory is bitter for her as well because her nose scrunches up slightly. She rushes past it. "And the first time?"
"The first time," Ichigo pauses. "Was to achieve Bankai."
Rukia seems unfazed by his statement, pushing for more of an explication. "What pushed you into achieving Bankai?"
His mouth falls closed, expecting her to realize what she had just asked. But she just sits there, waiting for him to answer like it's the most casual discussion in the world. She doesn't know, he thinks, exactly what went down, all those years ago.
He stares into her eyes, shoulders slumping in the slightest of ways as he exhales.
"You." He murmurs. "It was to save you."
Her reaction tells him she hadn't expected that, especially when she can't stop her eyes from blinking repeatedly in surprise. Like she hadn't even considered it as an option. Her. Of course it had been her. It was and would always be for her.
Her eyes are glued to his, and for a second, it seems like she can hear his thoughts as if they were her own.
"I want to try something," she speaks at last. The determination in her voice catches him off guard and he straightens his back once more, expecting her to fall back into the role of his kido coach.
Instead she yet again takes him by surprise and scoots closer to him, so close that their knees are touching from their respective sitting positions.
"Rukia, what are you-."
"Shut up," she interrupts and brings her finger to his lips, instantly rendering him silent. He watches her every move, because truthfully, he doesn't know what else to do. "I'm trying something."
She reaches over and takes his much larger hands, letting them hover in the air between the two of them, palms up. She then does the same with hers, her fingertips grazing his, and sighs.
Ichigo watches as two balls of white energy begin forming within her immobile palms. They grow bigger, gradually, carefully, as if it's the easiest thing ever. Rukia's eyes linger in his, her face relaxed like she doesn't even need to concentrate to materialize her reiryoku. It's simply happening, and it's beautiful.
Rukia then moves her hands, still holding the white energy in her palms, and places them beneath Ichigo's, supporting him. The white energy flows through him and he swears he feels it in his bones, like a current electrifying his entire being, making him feel alive in and out. It's familiar, because it screams Rukia and everything that she is. It's her reiryoku, the same one he felt when she stabbed him in the heart with her sword and allowed him to use her powers in order to wake up his own.
It's like she allows him to see her soul. And all he wants to do is allow her to see his.
Rukia's reiryoku seeps back into her and she offers him a smile. "Your turn."
He stares at her. He doesn't need to close his eyes in order to concentrate because her, and her eyes are what's whispering everything he needs to hear. She is the only thing he needs to focus on in order to control himself.
Ichigo inhales, using the touch of her palms on the back of his hands to guide himself through it. He lets his own reiryoku ooze out, yellow and controlled.
Rukia smiles at the sight of it, and Ichigo wonders if she feels him in the same way he felt her. After a few more seconds of observing the materialization of his own spiritual energy, Ichigo lets it settle through his skin and back into him.
Detaching her palms from his hands, Rukia nods. "Now, take that same control and use it on your kido."
He hesitates for a moment no longer than a heartbeat, positioning his hands a few centimeters away from each other. He inhales, eyes not leaving Rukia's as he lets his mind dive back into the pool of her reiatsu. A ball of energy begins forming at the center, gradually increasing in size.
Control. It's like she's whispering it to him, and it suddenly doesn't seem to require any effort. Once the ball grows big enough it stops before he even has to think it and floats in the air, immobile. Stable.
"Can you throw it in the bushes over there?" Rukia murmurs in a cautious voice.
He thinks about it, but the ball doesn't move, as if waiting for his cue. Ichigo stretches out his arm and the ball follows without complaint, letting itself be controlled by Ichigo's palm. Even when he projects it away from him with force it follows his wishes and comes crashing down into the bushes, leaflets left flying from the impact.
A few shared speechless seconds later, Rukia's voice reaches his ears. "Well, you did it."
Ichigo's eyes are wide with what he just witnessed, and he scoffs in disbelief. "Are you kidding?! We did it."
His large grin gives in to laughter, which becomes too contagious for Rukia to resist as she joins him and lets her own laugh come out freely. Ichigo then takes her in his arms and lifts her in the air, a squeak making it past Rukia's lips from the shock of being picked up so suddenly. He twirls her a few times and Rukia attempts to supress her unstoppable laughter, without much success.
Ichigo rests his forehead against hers and her laughter finally quiets down. Like being kicked back into reality, her smile disappears slowly when he brushes a strand of black hair away from her face and places it behind her ear. The touch tickles her skin like that of a feather, his eyes swimming into hers like they're talking to her, whispering her name. Ichigo sighs to slow down his breathing, bringing his face closer to hers, little by little-.
Well, well, well. I see you found a way to outmaneuver me.
A twisted chuckle resonates deep within his inner world. Well played, King.
Ichigo's eyes widen at the intrusive voice and he lets Rukia go, her feet hitting the floor before her face turns surprised. Ichigo backs away a few steps, his mind hazy.
"Ichigo, what's wrong?" Rukia runs to him instantly, crouching to his level when his legs seem to give in under his weight.
"He… He just spoke to me," he murmurs and meets Rukia's distressed eyes.
Karin exits the classroom with a huff, hand sore from taking down so many notes and hair tied up in a messy bun, with the exception of a few stubborn hairs poking out. The academy still feels like an oven with summer right around the corner, but at least this time Karin only has two books tucked under her arm. A significant improvement from yesterday.
She yawns as she catches sight of the sun setting in the distance, dreading the mass additional studying she's gonna put herself through once she reaches her dorm room. Walking out of the corridor, Karin makes her way through the main garden. It would be a nice place to hang out for some fresh air, if it wasn't already so crowded with students desperate for a sip of sunlight. Most are studying in small groups, some are napping, some are just lying in the grass and chatting with friends. Truth is, Karin stays clear of populated areas such as this one.
As she turns the corner of a dorm building which leads to a much quieter area of the academy, Karin's feet come to a halt when she sees Toshiro Hitsugaya, turning to face her. For once, his eyebrows are relaxed. Karin's eyes soften as she spots the object he's holding in his hands.
A soccer ball.
She smirks, eventually making her way over to him until she's close enough to talk. "Tell me, did you threaten someone into giving you my schedule?"
He blinks, surprised and dare she say, a little shy? "Nothing like that. I searched for your reiatsu."
Karin nods, humming. Amusement tugs at her brow, it seems she can't even keep her lips from smiling. "And that?" She gestures over to the ball.
Toshiro looks down at the object in his hands. He hesitates, only for a second. "You said you missed soccer." He scratches his neck. "I know it's not a match, but…what do you say about a one-on-one?"
Karin's grin widens at his words. Feeling her energy already starting to flow back, she decides the studying will have to wait.
"I say hell yeah."
A/N: Sooooo, I had to cut stuff out of this chapter and push it for later cause it was getting waaay too long. I swear, the deeper I get into this story, the more I have to write. I'm utterly fucked.