Becoming who we were meant to be

15: The demons within

"Tell me again, what exactly did he say?"

Ichigo scowls, already close to reaching his limit. And the day had only begun. Super. "I told you like five times already."

Shinji puffs his chest from where he's standing, rambling about with stuff on his desk. Ichigo catches sight of a few sheets of paper flying in the air; it seemed like Shinji was even more on edge than he was. "The exact words, Ichigo."

The crease between Ichigo's eyebrows deepens. "He…was laughing, 'said I had found a way to outmaneuver him." He pauses, reminiscing the way the perverted voice made his own skin crawl, even after all these years. "Then he said: 'well played'."

Shinji turns around, holding a rounded, black device in his hands as he paces around his office. "And what did he call you?"

Ichigo hesitates. "…King."

A frown appears on Shinji's face. It's like he's recapitulating; listing all known clues as if trying to crack the case of an ongoing investigation. He hums, mostly to himself. "Let's get past the whole kinkiness of it all and focus on its hidden meaning."

"The nickname could mean one or two things. First option being he has accepted the fact that you're in control. The alpha male, if you will. And he's not actually trying to fight you for the position." Ichigo absorbs the theory, glancing at Rukia and Byakuya in the far left corner of the room. He suddenly swallows, wondering if there's a reason behind the sixth division captain's unexpected presence. Knowing Byakuya, he can only assume there is.

"The second option," Shinji continues musingly, tapping the device with his finger like it's replacing his own chin. "Is he's taunting you. Mocking you in the hopes that you'll crack under the pressure. This is where we have a problem."

Ichigo tenses, clenching his fists. "So, what now. How do we find out what his intentions are? It's not like I can summon him on command."

"Ah," Shinji utters. "I'm glad you said that, because we need you to enter your inner world."

Ichigo nearly chokes. "My inner world?" He stares at Shinji with heavy eyes. "I haven't entered it since-."

From his peripheral vision, he spots Rukia looking down at her feet. She appears to be noticeably biting the inside of her cheek. Worried. In a fleeting thought, Ichigo wishes he could take her and run away, leaving everything else behind. But that's not possible.

"I'm aware," Shinji answers, bringing Ichigo's focus back on the hollow problem at hand. "Which is where this nifty little device from Urahara comes into play."

Ichigo's uneasy expression intensifies as he studies the black object more carefully. "Urahara? You mean…this will make me forcibly enter my inner world?"

"Yep," He pops. "'Supposed to. The tricky thing is, it'll only work if your mind is receptive to being thrown into it." His eyes are dead serious, but strangely Shinji's lips form into a smirk, filling Ichigo's chest with a sense of dread he sure as hell hadn't expected. "And if we resort to the good ol' way of meditation, it'll take days, knowing you." He walks over to Byakuya, handing him the device without a word.

Ichigo feels his pulse picking up as he watches Byakuya take the device, eyes closed. The hell is going on-.

Shinji's eyes find his once more. "And we can't afford to wait this long."

A fight or flight reaction kicks in on its on and Ichigo's legs move forward, but it's like his entire body is in slow motion. He can only watch in horror as Shinji draws out his sword and extends it until the sharp tip of it is at a mere millimeter from Rukia's throat.

Panics sets in, Ichigo's eyes widen at the same time as Rukia's. "What are you doing-." He lunges forward to push, kick, punch, anything to get the weapon away from her, but Byakuya steps in front of him, stopping him from moving.

"I'm sorry Ichigo," Shinji speaks, although Ichigo can't see him. "But if you don't succeed, I'm gonna have to hurt her."

He tries to push Byakuya out of the way, reason slipping away and letting anger take the lead. "Let me go!" He growls. "Are you just going to stand there and let him hurt your sister?!"

Byakuya's expression is severe, his eyes so narrow it looks like they're closed. "Calm down, Kurosaki, and do as he says."

Without another word, Ichigo only has the time to throw a desperate glance at the scene happening ahead, meeting Rukia's eyes once last time before he feels Byakuya smash the device into his chest. The impact is so strong it knocks the air out of his lungs and sends him falling backwards, darkness swallowing him whole.

Being thrown back into his inner world feels surreal. Ichigo lands on his hands and knees, that familiar glass building shining under the rays of sunlight. For a moment the air feels overly warm and dry, and it's like nothing has changed.

"Well, well. Look who the cat dragged in."

Ichigo spins at the sound of the screeching voice, widening his eyes when he finally sees him. The presence created out of the darkest parts of his soul, pasty white skin wearing his face and yellow irises staring back, grinning unmistakably wide.

He moves, pretend-shock drawing on his face like he's an actor in a play. "Why the long face? I thought you'd be happy to see me."

Ichigo straightens his back, brows wrinkling under his stern look.

The hollow laughs, snickers, even. "You and your little friends could not wait to see me again, huh?" He passes his tongue on his blue lips, the sound it creates is sickening.

Ichigo's eyes suddenly widen as the events come flashing back to him, all at once. The hollow stops him with a dramatic roll of his eyes.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, relax. You didn't really believe he was gonna hurt her, now did ya?" He jeers then, enlarged grin coming back as if it had never left. "Sometimes your stupidity is downright embarrassing."

Ichigo doesn't budge. He wonders if the hollow's words are as meaningless as they once were. His brow twitches. "Where's Zangetsu?"

His grin shrinks a little, huffing a shrug. "Ah, somewhere." His eyes narrow then, tongue twisting as if spitting poison. "Though I'm sure if you ask, he'll come running. Even after all these years of ignoring us and leaving us to dwell in here." It sounds like an accusation.

Keeping his unwavering glare on him, Ichigo clenches his jaw. "I'm getting back into it."

The hollow's eyes flick to him, pausing. Then, suddenly, he relaxes. "Ohh," he coos with a lift of his eyebrows. "We noticed."

He turns around slowly, his back now facing Ichigo, and starts walking away. "Hey, where are you going?" Ichigo calls out, tensing up.

He doesn't stop, even he reaches the steep corner of the building and steps into nothingness -and disappears. A breath gets stuck in Ichigo's throat and he follows after him. Reaching the edge, he expects to fall, but doesn't. Instead his feet remain glued to the glass like there's a totally new gravity keeping him from falling. It's not a foreign feeling, even though it still feels like it.

But the real shock comes when Ichigo looks up. Instead of submerged buildings; instead of piercing blue skies and burning glass, he sees kilometers of grounds ahead. His eyes widen at the view; never-ending hills with tall green grass, rivers cutting through, and a burnt orange sky hanging above. It reminds him of the meadows his mom used to take him to during those long summer days, back when he was a child. It reminds him of the Soul Society sceneries at sunset, after a day of training. Instantly, a rested, comfortable feeling nestles in his chest.

"What is all this?" He whispers to no one in particular.

A taller presence appears at his side. "It's your inner world, Ichigo."

Ichigo turns to Zangetsu. "It's…changed?"

The hollow snorts out a laugh on his right. "I prefer saying 'evolved'."

Feeling dizziness befall him, Ichigo shakes his head, frowning in confusion. "But, what does this mean?"

No one answers right away, so he turns his head to look at Zangetsu for an answer. The old man's eyes are hidden, just as they always were, and his voice remains croaky as he speaks. "It means whatever you want it to mean."

"The power is yours, Ichigo." The hollow's voice catches him off guard. It is no longer distorted, or vile. It sounds…like himself. Ichigo twists around and his eyes widen when he sees the hollow, smirk still in place, but white skin fading to tan, yellow eyes shifting to hazel, and white hair turning orange. It's like he's looking at himself in a mirror. "The power is ours. Use it."

Is this some kind of trick? What's happening? Ichigo suddenly feels lightheaded. "What…what-."

The hollow, wearing his body, shrugs in response. "I've been bored, King. You can't blame me for wanting to mess with you a little bit."

Ichigo's head runs a hundred mile an hour. "So, the reason why I couldn't use kido-."

"Ding ding ding. That was me."

His head is spinning, and Ichigo tries to blink the haziness away. It works, temporarily. "Why…why do you look like me?"

The hollow tilts his head, showing his teeth in a side grin. Normal teeth. Human teeth. "Heh. Don't you get it by now? This is what I've always looked like."

Ichigo shakes his head, taking a step back. "What… No. Before, you were-."

"Before?" It scoffs, although quietly. "Before, you wanted me to look like a monster, needed me to." He walks closer to him, grin dropping completely and eyes falling into seriousness. "You needed the power of a monster."

Ichigo blinks once, twice. Pieces are falling back into place, even though he doesn't understand it fully, he knows it's the truth. "But-."

All traces of amusement are wiped away from the hollow's face. The hollow moves his lips, and Ichigo's own voice comes out. "The monster is gone." It states, deadpan. "I learned a long time ago, it's useless to fight you."

The dizziness starts to subside. Ichigo looks over at Zangetsu, who is still standing still, perfectly immobile. He feels his heart rate slowing down and turns back to the hollow.

"Why?"

The hollow walks closer. It looks straight into his eyes as he speaks. "Because I am you, Ichigo."

"We both are." Zangetsu's voice is the last thing that travels to his ears before Ichigo falls unconscious.

He wakes up on the floor of Shinji's office with wide eyes, frantically looking at his surroundings. Rukia rushes to him, putting a hand on his shoulder to bring him back to reality.

"Ichigo, it's okay. You're back." Her voice is alarmed but it's meant to soothe him and it does, at least a little.

His eyes jump to her; relieved when he notices she isn't injured. It takes a moment for his brain to catch up to everything that just happened in that short period of time. When it does, he targets Shinji, still standing by his desk, and doesn't waste another second.

"You ass," he snarls, grabbing him by the collar and pushing him against the wall. "What the fuck was that?!"

"Ichigo," Rukia warns behind him. "Stop."

Shinji looks unfazed by the sudden outburst, like he had expected it. His eyes are stern; his mouth in a thin line. "We had to make sure you would succeed in entering your inner world, Ichigo. This was the only way."

Ichigo tightens his grip, applying further pressure. "The only way, my ass."

Letting himself get manhandled, Shinji doesn't react. "I wasn't going to hurt her. Only had to make you believe I would." He pauses. "It worked, didn't it."

Ichigo studies his so-called friend's face and scoffs bitterly, without a trace of humor. A small hand reaches out and lays on his back, imploring him to find reason. "Ichigo…" she murmurs.

He feels his muscles react under her touch. After a few dragging seconds of stillness, he gives up. "Fuck off," he mumbles, finally letting go of Shinji's collar. He walks it off, forcing his focus away from both Shinji and Byakuya and exhaling deeply in an attempt to calm the remaining anger.

"So, what did he say?" Shinji asks in the same tone.

The bizarre scene replays in his head like a movie, he frowns, facing the wall. "He said…" His voice trails off. He doesn't need to tell every single detail. Just the parts that matter. Ichigo sighs before forcing the answer out of his mouth. "He said it was useless to fight me. 'Said he was me. And that the monster was gone."

He hears Shinji let out a quiet breath somewhere behind him, probably relieved. "Good." He says. "Do you think we can trust what he says?"

Silence rings in Ichigo's ears. He turns around and meets Shinji's eyes. He doesn't miss the sight of Rukia and the concerned look on her face, though. "Yeah. I believe so."

Shinji nods once, his squared bangs hanging just above his eyelids. "Okay."

Now that it's settled, Ichigo feels the oppressive need to get out of here. He feels like a laboratory rat, and even though he understands where Shinji is coming from, he absolutely hates the whole situation.

With a couple steps Ichigo crosses the room, walking past Rukia, Byakuya and Shinji without another look. He reaches for the sliding door when Shinji's voice stops him.

"Ichigo." The silence rings again, tension rising despite everything that was just said. He needs to get out. "We had to make sure he wouldn't pose a threat."

Ichigo closes his eyes, waiting a long breath and letting his tensions vanish. "I know."

And without another word he opens the door and steps out, not looking back.

Karin rushes past a group of students in the hall, nearly bumping into someone else in the process. She bites her tongue to supress a cuss, picking up her pace to make it into class before she's late. She steps through the doorway right on time, but oh-not-so-shockingly notices that most of the seats are already taken.

Frowning, she takes a moment to catch her breath while she scans the room for any available seats. She meets Oishi's eyes, an accident really, because he was already looking at her. Karin hesitates, noticing he's already surrounded by other students chatting loudly. Seems irritated by it, too. She sees a girl waving her hand in the air in the back of the classroom, diverging her attention away from Oishi.

"Kurosaki-san!" The girl smiles, waving her over and gesturing at an empty seat next to her. Karin blinks at the unexpectedness of this turn of event; partly relieved and partly surprised. She makes her way through the class and it doesn't take long before she's close enough to recognize her. It's that blonde girl, the one who approached her after her first combat class; after she had fought against Oishi and had been sent to Tako-sensei's office.

Karin ushers a breath of relief and sits down next to the girl, offering her a small smile.

"Nice bumping into you again," the girl starts with a grin. "I haven't properly introduced myself, have I? I'm Ana Yoo."

Karin chuckles, nodding as she places her notebook on the table. "Karin." She takes her pencil out of its favorite spot behind her ear and puts it on top of her notebook. "Thanks for the empty seat, I would've been totally screwed."

"Oh, don't mention it." Ana shifts an inch closer to her, murmuring in a lower voice. "You're saving me from having one of these macaques sit next to me." She rolls her eyes and Karin looks to her right; a handful of boys are staring at Ana, looking desperate and disappointed that the spot next to her has now been claimed. "Let's call it even."

Karin stifles a laugh at the scene. "Fair enough."

The teacher walks in a minute later, pushing her glasses up on her nose after dropping her pile of books on her desk. "Hello, class." Everyone automatically greets Ito-sensei. "Today we are starting our first lesson on one of the most important attributes of a Shinigami: the Zanpakuto."

Karin's blood freezes in her veins as soon as the word travels to her ears. Zanpakuto. She repeats it in her head, and the feeling intensifies. It's the same feeling she's had during her nightmare, the one from two nights ago. Why is it there? Zanpakuto. She frowns. It's like somewhere within her she already knows its meaning, yet as soon as she thinks about it too hard it dissipates, leaving her in the dark.

This doesn't make any sense.

She swallows the lump in her throat and forces her joints to relax, bringing her attention back to Ito-sensei.

"The Zanpakuto, as most of you already know, is the weapon which the Shinigami wields. It is, however, far from a mere object." Ito-sensei writes something on the board which most students now copy onto the blank pages of their notebooks. Karin does the same, mechanically; her mind blank.

Ito-sensei turns back to face the class before continuing her lesson. "In fact, the Zanpakuto, for many Shinigamis, is a part of its wielder's soul. Yet, it is its own self, its own entity. A Shinigami cannot use its power until it has succeeded in communicating with it. The first step of which, is most often learning the name of one's Zanpakuto."

Karin clears her throat quietly. Is she crazy or…can she feel that same fog starting to fill up her lungs? There's an unusual pressure on her chest, like someone's piling up bricks, making it harder for her to breathe. Her pulse picks up as she quiets down a cuss.

There's no way this is actually happening. She's awake. Entirely and fully awake.

Karin tries to listen to Ito-sensei's words. She manages to catch a few sentences which she writes down in her notebook. Maybe if she forces herself to act normal, this…feeling, or whatever it is, will go away. "A Zanpakuto usually remains in its sealed state; a katana. Once a Shinigami's bond with its Zanpakuto grows, they may be taught a release incantation in order to manifest their Zanpakuto's true form. This phenomenon is called: Shikai."

Mid-way through her note-taking Karin's hand won't cooperate. It seems she is trembling involuntarily. Karin inhales shakily, doing her best to keep her panic at bay, but the feeling is only getting stronger. Maybe she's having a panic attack? That would certainly be a somewhat normal explanation.

It seems like time keeps on ticking, yet Karin has no idea how many minutes pass. For all she knows, it could have been anywhere from seconds to hours.

When she starts breaking a cold sweat down her back, Karin drops her pen and blinks repeatedly. Her vision is hazy; Ito-sensei's shape falls in and out of focus. Is she going to pass out?

"Hey, are you okay?" Ana whispers with frowned brows and Karin turns to her, struggling to keep her eyelids steady.

She nods as best as she can. "Just feeling a…little ill is all. I'll be fine."

The words seem to have spilled out of her mouth on their own. Ito-sensei continues her lesson, but Karin can't hear a thing she's saying. It becomes even harder to breathe, and Karin grips her the robes on her thighs until her knuckles go white. Her head starts to spin, and she thinks maybe she'll vomit.

Ito-sensei's voice suddenly reaches her ears. "Shinigamis can use a special form of mediation called Jinzou. It is the only way to properly communicate with one's Zanpakuto."

The words echo like a prayer in her head. Zanpakuto. Release incantation. Manifestation. Shikai. Jinzou. Zanpakuto. Zanpakuto. Zanpakuto. Her head is out of control, her vision almost entirely blurry.

Karin dares a look at the clock, although it takes a few minutes for her to read it clearly. It's been fifty minutes since the lecture started. How does it only feel like five?!

She blinks at the burning feeling in her eyes. The mist enters her lungs and seems to solidify in there. The pain is back. Fuck. She doesn't know if she'll be able to take it much longer.

Karin.

Karin gasps, out loud or not, she isn't sure. It's that voice. The same voice from her nightmare. It's whispering her name. Why? Could it be-

Karin. It repeats. You abandoned her. You took everything from her. Your own sister. How could you…

No… Dread feels Karin's heart.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Karin grabs her head. It feels like it's about to explode. There might be traces of tears down her cheeks, but she can't know for sure. All she hears now is that voice. Haunting her.

"That's all for today. Class dismissed." Ito-sensei's voice is clear then, and Karin glances around. Student are packing their things and leaving. She can leave. She can leave. She can leave.

"K-Kurosaki-san, wait! What are you doing?"

Ana's voice sounds like it's so, so far away, and Karin can't allow to turn back. She needs to get out. Now. Before her head explodes. Before her lungs dry out. Before she loses it.

The pain suddenly snaps back into force and Karin feels her skull split in half. She moans in pain, grabbing her head as if wanting to pull out her own hair. She runs as fast as she can to get the fuck away, but her legs are weak and she stumbles unsteadily. She winces, her lungs are barely expanding as it is. Fuck, it hurts. Tears are now falling, she's sure of it. But there's no more room for her to care.

Karin.

How could you?

No.

Your own sister.

You ruined her life. You took it from her.

"No, no, no, no! STOP!" Karin screams. Is there even anybody left to hear her?

You deserved to die.

She screams again, the sound so loud it breaks her. "MAKE IT STOP!"

"Hey, hey. Kurosaki. Look at me." Another voice. She doesn't know who it belongs to. Someone takes her by the shoulders, shakes her. "Calm down, Karin! Look at me!"

She wants to, whoever it is, she wants to so badly. But her eyes won't let her. She won't let her.

She.

Karin…

The voice in her head. It's a she.

Hear my voice… I'm begging you.

…Karin…

The voice becomes distant, more and more, until it dissipates entirely. Karin breathes in. The weight on her chest is gone. The blocks of dust in her lungs have disappeared. She exhales. The thumping in her head has lessen, and she tries to open her eyes. Her vision is a blur, but she blinks, and more tears escape. Her eyes begin to adjust. Is she outside?

She blinks again, someone is standing in front of her, grabbing her by the shoulders. She tries to look up to see their face. They look worried. Is it because of her?

She knows that face…

…Oishi.

The recalls the words. The ones that accused her. Haunted her.

How could you? Your own sister. You took it from her.

You deserved to die.

A choked sob makes it past her lips, all control over herself now abandoned and unreachable. Karin covers her mouth as the cries begin erupting out of her exhausted body.

She feels Oishi bring her closer, hugging her.

And Karin lets her tears spill freely.

By the time Karin's tears are nothing but dried marks on her cheeks, the sun is almost fully set; dark blue hues swimming in the sky. The breeze is chilly but not exactly cold, helping Karin's mind stay at ease. She sighs, hugging her legs to herself and resting her chin on her knees. Melancholy fills her chest, but she doesn't even know why.

Karin blinks, her eyes are sore and her limbs simply worn-out. Even so, she just can't go back to her room. Despite needing rest above anything else, the last thing she wants right now is to sleep. It's been hours since her…-since it happened. She hasn't uttered a word, letting herself get dragged along by Oishi like a shell of a person. Eventually she looked up and saw he had brought her here; the top of a hill that faced the Lavender River, an unpopulated spot about twenty minutes away from the academy. He hadn't spoken either, hadn't even waited for her to talk. He just sat there, leaving significant space between them, and quietly watched the water flow through the river. It's like it is singing a lullaby.

Eventually as time passes, Karin knows she should say something. Has to say something. After having witnessed what he did, he deserves somewhat of an explanation. The thing is…she doesn't have one.

Karin Kurosaki isn't one to cry. She had promised herself she would always stay strong. That she wouldn't be a burden to her family.

She wonders where that tough kid is now. Because it certainly isn't here, with her.

"I'm…sorry." The words she speaks are quiet, almost inaudible. Oishi doesn't say anything and for a long while, doesn't even move. Karin assumes he hasn't heard her over the sound of the river beneath them, and she opens her mouth once more.

Because she doesn't know what else to do. "I don't normally let myself be vulnerable. I…" Her voice trails off, fading in and becoming one with the moving water. What's even the point of trying to find a justification for her actions? There isn't one. She gives up, lowering her head even more.

"To be alive is to be vulnerable." Oishi's voice surprises her and she stills her breathing, focusing on his words. "Someone told me that, once. I think I understand."

A bird chirps in the distance, probably getting ready for bedtime. "I also think," Oishi adds then, causing Karin to raise her head from the nest she had taken shelter in. "That you're stronger than you think you are, Kurosaki."

It takes a while, longer than expected, but Karin eventually turns her head, tilting it just enough so that she can look at him. "How is that? You don't really know me."

Oishi meets her eyes. It's brief, barely longer than a few seconds, but he does, and shrugs. "Just a feeling."

He's calm. Awfully calm about it, all of it. Karin wonders if that's how he reacts to every situation life throws at him. She feels envious, but maybe she shouldn't.

"There's a voice in my head." She whispers before she can stop herself, the words just flowing out easily. She scoffs, looking down at her hands. "Gosh, I make it sound like I belong in an asylum, don't I?"

She allows herself time to breathe in before carrying on. "I first heard it when I was sleeping, in a nightmare. Well," she corrects herself. "What I thought was a nightmare." She exhales, her breath heavy. "I guess it was more than that, huh."

The moon appears in the sky, and the sight of it pinches her heart. She winces.

"Maybe it is," Oishi answers, although she hadn't really asked any questions. "One day you'll be ready for what comes next, and it won't be so hard anymore."

Karin sips in his words like an alcoholic would on a bottle of rum. Ready for what comes next… She tries to picture it. Meeting the woman living in her head, talking to her, learning her name… Borrowing her power. It all sounds impossible. Karin turns her head again. It's gotten too dark to see where his eyes are at.

"Sounds like you've been there."

Silence. Then, "No. No voices in my head yet." He pauses. "I guess I just read too much." Karin falls back into her position, finding herself fighting back a smile.

The night is peaceful. Karin's mind gently sways with it. This is her life now, she thinks. She will find a way to live it. She has to.

When she speaks up, her voice has once more found its stability. "And when she…does decide I am ready. What then?" She asks, the spirit of the night carrying her words.

"Then," Oishi picks up, waiting before he answers. "Then you kick her ass for putting you through hell."

Ichigo's breath is steady as he lays on his back, eyes lost in the dark splatter of stars above him. The roof tiles aren't the most comfortable surface; nearly digging into his skin. Frankly, he couldn't care less. He's just glad he finally has a rooftop that's technically his to use. Byakuya can't complain about it this time.

Hearing someone landing on the roof, Ichigo twitches slightly, already knowing who it is without any need to check. She walks lightly on the tiles, not particularly mindful of being quiet, just weighing so little her steps are effortlessly silent.

She sits down next to him, legs tucked underneath and small hands resting on her thighs, playing with her fingers. A sign of her restlessness. Ichigo sighs at the sight, replacing his head back on his own hands, using them as a pillow.

"Hey," he says, letting her know he won't close himself to her.

She seems to exhale a relieved breath as she answers. "Hey."

It takes a while for her to find the words. No- that's a lie. She already knows the words, just trying to find the best time to say them.

"Ichigo, he's your friend." She states. "You know he didn't want to manipulate you. He would never break your trust."

Ichigo swallows his bitterness away, although not completely. "He has a hell of way to show it." He stops, clenching his fists. "Even Byakuya…who's supposed to always have your back."

"Ichigo," she cuts him, closing her eyes.

Biting his inner cheeks, Ichigo sighs again, letting go of his frustration. "I know… I know."

Truth is, Ichigo knew Shinji never would've dared laying a finger on her. He knew. He knew Byakuya would rather die than let his sister get hurt in any way. He knew all that. But he couldn't shake the feeling of disappointment in his gut, sucking his blood like a parasite.

It may have been the right decision. But it doesn't change the fact that it was a stupid ass idea.

Truth is, Kuchiki Rukia is his weakness.

And he despises the fact that people he trusts used it as a means to an end.

Suddenly uncomfortable in his position, Ichigo releases a harsh breath, sitting up. He turns his head and looks at her, so small yet so present next to him. He clenches his jaw when she returns the stare, and fuck. Fuck.

How could she not be his weakness?

Turning back, Ichigo unravels even his most concealed thoughts. "He looked like me, Rukia." He can feel her tense next to him. "He fucking looked like me. No more of his white skin, white hair, yellow eyes. No, it was all me."

Rukia's lips are sewed shut. It's okay, because he needs to let it out. "What if all this time, I was the real monster? What if the demon I've been fighting against all these years, had been nothing more than…" Ichigo's voice lowers, surrendered. "…me."

"No."

The sudden sharp tilt of Rukia's voice catches him off guard and he lifts his eyes to her. She moves closer to him, shoulder almost grazing him. She looks at him with certainty, like the words he had just spoken had been venom and she wasn't going to allow him to even think them.

"I know you, Kurosaki Ichigo." Her voice is quiet, but unyielding. Just the sound of his name leaving her lips makes him flinch. "I've seen the deepest parts of your soul, I've touched it, felt it." She reaches out and presses her palm to his chest, right above his heart. "I feel it."

Ichigo's brows furrow because fuck, it aches. But her words are his salvation. Rukia's other hand reaches for the side of his face, bringing it close to her own. "Look at me." She whispers, and it sounds like she's breaking from the inside, just like he is. Ichigo's forehead touches hers, his eyes opened just enough to follow her orders. Her eyes capture his, as if never wanting to let go.

She wants him to know… Desperately needs him to believe in her words. And never to doubt them again.

The pigments of her eyes shimmer beneath her thick, black eyelashes. "You're not a monster. You've never been a monster. And you never will be."

It feels like his soul is crying without shedding any tears. Rukia's hand on his cheek is a relief. Feeling her breathing on his skin is a relief. Ichigo exhales a deep, heavy breath, dropping his guard entirely and lowering his head until it naturally falls onto Rukia's shoulder, burying his face in her hair and in the skin of her neck. Slumped, his arms cling to her like she's his lifeline; clutching to the robes on her back and hugging her close to him.

He breathes in, and her smell overwhelms, unbalances, disrupts everything until all he can remember is her.

From his current state, he probably looks beyond miserable.

But it's not like he cares.

"Rukia," he murmurs on her skin, his voice fractured and vulnerable.

Without another word her fingers travel to his hair; digging, pulling…and holding him as close as possible.

A/N: that took an unexpectedly angsty turn. I was a mess by the end of this chapter, hah.