Becoming who we were meant to be
17: Sweeter than bitter
"I think I might puke."
Karin gulps down the rising bile in her throat, taking a deep breath and shaking her wrists in the hope of whooshing the anxiety away. Her body feels weird; stranded in what Urahara calls a 'gigai', it's like she's stuck in a vacuum package. It's stiff and bizarre, and she spots Rukia shooting her an encouraging look.
"It feels weird at first, but you get used to it." Her voice is comforting and Karin nods shakily, the bile settling back down in her stomach.
The sight of Karakura Town makes her head spin; it's like a distant dream yet it's what she's always known. It's home, yet she can't deny it screams at her to flee, to run as far away from it as she can. The thoughts battle in her chest and fight for dominance. She's still dizzy.
Ichigo notices the expression on her face and he softens his brows, angling down his chin. "Hey. We only have to do this once you're ready."
It's only been a little over a month since she died, yet it feels like an eternity ago. Another lifetime. Actually, yeah. It really was another lifetime, wasn't it?
Karin shakes her head, attempting to bring her mind back down to earth. "Yeah, it's okay." She nods once, hopefully with enough determination to convince even herself. "I'm ready."
Her twin sister is waiting for her, after all. Thinking of her family, left on their own with barely any substantial updates from the Seireitei, Karin begins walking forward. They deserve this visit. They deserve to see she's doing okay.
They deserve to get a peace of mind, and to move on with their lives.
Karin cringes at the thought, feeling a pang of angst tugging at her heart, but she keeps going.
When they finally reach the front of the Kurosaki residence Karin stands still, eyes wide as memories of her twenty years of human life flash and bounce around in her head. She'd be lying if she said it wasn't a lot to handle, especially after adjusting to a new lifestyle where those very same images are forbidden. Anxiety builds up in her chest once more and she inhales, then exhales as slow as she can manage.
With her eyes glued to the front porch, she shifts in Ichigo and Rukia's direction. "I just…need a minute."
Ichigo nods, about to step toward Karin when Rukia stops him, elbowing him lightly.
"I'll let you guys catch up." Her large zaffre blue eyes blink up at him. "I'm going to patrol around until you're done."
Ichigo frowns instantly. "What?" He allows a quick glance at his sister, bringing Rukia to the side a little further away from her. His hand travels up her forearm, and Rukia can't help but become aware of how warm his touch feels on her skin.
"It's a family matter." She explains, her eyes serious and a little sorrowful. "And it's for Karin and Yuzu. I don't want to intrude."
"But, Rukia," Ichigo starts, squinting slightly. "You should be there. Karin wants you there. I want you there."
Rukia shakes her head weakly, catching her lip between her teeth. "Ichigo…"
"Please," he insists, and she allows herself to meet his eyes again. They're pleading, honest. Vulnerable. "You're…a part of this family, too."
Feeling her throat tighten, Rukia holds his gaze only for a second longer before she loses all strength—or will—to fight him. She caves in with a sigh, allowing her mask to fully melt into nothingness. "Okay."
Ichigo draws out a breath of relief, his hand sliding down her skin as he nods. He already finds himself missing the contact, but as they turn back to face Karin he pushes the thought away.
"Okay," his sister says suddenly, as if afraid to change her mind. She walks up to the front door, shaky breath hanging in the air while she raises a hand and, at last, rings the doorbell. She's never had to use it before. The sound startles her but is soon forgotten and replaced by hasty footsteps coming from inside the house. Karin holds her breath, her heart rate increasing exponentially.
The door flings open before she can manage another thought, and she's faced with a wide-eyed Yuzu staring back at her.
For a dragging minute it's like the world stops turning. Karin blinks, her pulse so loud it knocks against her ear drums. Yuzu's expression falters; her brows furrowing, her lips trembling.
"Ka-Karin…" There's a waver in her voice and she cracks, leaping forward and throwing her arms around her twin sister. Karin instantly returns the embrace, holding her tighter and tighter as Yuzu's cries come crashing down in loud sobs.
Tears escape and begin rolling down Karin's cheeks and for once she just lets them; the emotions she's been bottling up ever since the day she died urging forward and overloading the barriers she's built around herself.
It hurts. But at the same time, it's a strange type of relief.
The girls hold each other for a long time, eventually peeling an eye open to find themselves on the ground, legs tucked under their weight. Yuzu's pain quiets down into sniffles and Karin's tears begin to dry up. When they part, Yuzu's eyes are red and her cheeks are wet, but her mouth breaks into a smile regardless.
"I'm so happy to see you," she chokes out with a small laugh.
Karin returns the sentiment—it gets caught in her throat, but it's real. "Me too."
"Karin…"
Karin looks up to see her father standing in the middle of the room. He's wearing a flour-covered pink apron with a ruffle trim in typical Isshin fashion, looking absolutely ridiculous and about the furthest from a conventional father one can look, but he's Isshin Kurosaki. Her father. He has dark circles under his eyes that betray sleepless nights, and the grief on his face is one she hasn't seen since they lost her mother.
She's never understood her brother's need to protect as much as she does now—there's nothing she wouldn't do to relieve her family's pain.
Yuzu smiles through her tears, pulling Karin up with her. She leads her inside the house by the hand, but Isshin's already crossed the room to hug his daughter, burying her in his large frame.
"Dad…" Karin murmurs, allowing herself this moment of vulnerability, a moment where she doesn't need to be anything more than a daughter hugging her father.
Isshin brushes her hair back and kisses the top of her head. Choked up, he manages to say: "God, kid… We've missed you."
Pulling back from the embrace, Karin coughs as the cloud of flour makes its way into her nose, then causes her to sneeze twice. She bats a hand in front of her face and grimaces as Yuzu begins to laugh, followed by Isshin, and herself. Even Ichigo and Rukia smile from the doorway, overlooking the scene.
"I've missed you guys too," Karin says, and it's the first time she's let herself admit it. Suddenly, the looming presence of heartbreak, with its clammy skin, death grip and white knuckles, lets go of the hold it had on her. No matter what happens, her family will never change, and that realization is the respite that has the power to change everything.
Yuzu hugs Ichigo and Rukia, then, with a magic shake of her head, she clears up any trace of sadness from her face as she clasps her hand together and twirls toward the kitchen.
"I hope you're hungry," she beams with a last sniffle. "Dad and I have been cooking for three days straight in preparation for today!"
Isshin shifts in turn, on the same wavelength as his daughter, welcoming Ichigo and Rukia through the door, then leading his daughter to the dining room with two hands on her shoulders.
"A Feast à la Kurosaki! Then we wanna hear everything, Karin-chan!"
Ichigo rolls his eyes, but the smile he can't keep down says it all and Rukia smiles back, observing the scene like it has the power to patch up any wound known to man. The Kurosaki family's mirth will never stop being contagious, she thinks as she follows the party into the dining room.
"Oh my god!"
"And then what happened?!"
Even though Isshin's probably heard every single update there is from Urahara, he listens to Karin's narrative like a child during bedtime stories with just as much excitement as Yuzu, if not more.
"Well, I got my ass kicked in front of the entire class, is what happened," Karin scoffs, popping a layered bite of roast and potato in her mouth. She chews with her mouth open, waving her fork in a circular gesture, teeth up. "But I didn't go down without a fight."
Isshin cheers, high-fiving Yuzu in their typical dynamics that warms everyone's soul around the table, even Ichigo's. "That's our girl!"
"Wait!" Yuzu suddenly exclaims, as if remembering something. "What about Hitsugaya-kun?"
Rukia and Ichigo turn their attention from their plates to look at her, then Karin, then each other, question marks scribbled all over their faces.
"Uh, what about 'im?" Karin asks, stuffing her face full of cheesy corn.
"You guys are friends! He must've helped you adapt, didn't he?"
Karin purposefully takes her time chewing, then swallowing. When she finally does, she clears her throat and takes a big sip of water.
"Uh, I guess."
"Though he must be busy," Yuzu muses, pouting as she nibbles on a piece of bread. "Did he come see you?"
Karin suddenly feels uncomfortably warm. Is the oven still working?
"I mean, we saw each other once or twice—"
Ichigo cuts her off, frowning. "Excuse me, what? When the hell did you find time to see Toshiro? And how did I not know about it?"
Karin rolls her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose as if thinking 'oh boy here we go.' Rukia stifles a smirk as she meets Isshin's gaze, the man seemingly just as amused as she is at this display of brotherly-sisterly affection.
"Ichigo," Karin says, the edge of a warning in her voice. "Amidst the drama of the past month you seem to have forgotten that I'm an adult, and therefore can be friends with whomever I want?"
He doesn't seem satisfied by that answer. "Yeah, but—"
"Ichigo," Rukia intervenes with a murmur, giving him an amused look that says 'let it go for now, idiot.' He gets the message and drops it, albeit disgruntled, letting the conversation flow to Karin's other potential friends at the Academy.
"Not really friends, per se," Karin explains to her twin sister. "Just one or two people that don't get on my nerves and seem to tolerate me in return."
Yuzu and Isshin laugh. As the conversation continues, they find solace knowing death didn't change the Karin they know. She's still the same person who protected Yuzu against spiders in those warm summer days, who made Isshin and Masaki laugh when she wore a hoodie in the bath as a toddler, who pretends not to care, but oh, so does.
After dinner and dishes, Yuzu admits she has news. With a proud Isshin at her side, she leads everyone outside and down a couple streets until they come up to a quaint little shop, one with an empty interior, glass windows, and honeydew-colored walls that have been freshly repainted.
"Dad and I have been saving up some money, and…" She bites her bottom lip, turning to Karin. "I'm going to open up my own bakery shop—Sweetest Twins."
Karin's mouth falls open as she takes in the news, admiring the shop like she can see into the future and know exactly what it's going to be like when it's open, filled with delicious treats and bustling with happy customers. She can see it all too clearly; what will become the happiest place on earth.
"Yuzu… that's amazing!" Karin throws an arm around her sister. "I'm so proud of you."
While Yuzu unlocks the front door to show Karin around the shop and what she has planned for its grand opening, Isshin turns to Ichigo.
"I think you owe your friends a proper explanation."
Both Ichigo and Rukia turn to follow his gaze and find Uryu, Chad, and Orihime waving at them across the street.
"Take your time," Isshin says, winking at his son. "We'll be in there."
Taking a breath, Ichigo waves back, then digs his hands in his pockets.
"I'm here if you need me," Rukia says right as their friends cross the streets with the pedestrian light. He's grateful for her presence by his side, not just right now but continuously, no matter where he is or what he needs. He wishes he could take her hand in his.
"Thank you," he answers, and his eyes smile at her.
"Kurosaki-kun! Kuchiki-san!"
They turn to face Inoue, her long hair in the wind as she runs towards them, followed by a scowling Ishida and a pensive Sado.
Orihime looks just about ready to jump in Ichigo's arms but stops herself at the last second, nervously joining her hands together instead. She shifts in place, eyes bouncing between Rukia and Ichigo as the guys join them.
"Ichigo," Chad says, clapping him on the shoulder. "It's good to see you."
Ichigo gives a small smile, tempered by guilt. "It's good to see you guys, too. Did, uh…"
"Urahara told us what happened," Ishida says.
Orihime's eyes glass over. "We were so sorry to hear about Karin-chan… I paid a few visits to Yuzu-chan, try and cheer her up, but she's tough; she's getting through it."
"Thank you, Inoue," Ichigo answers. "I appreciate it."
"Is she with you guys?"
"Karin?" Ichigo scratches the back of his head, instinctively glancing at Rukia for support. He knows the touchy subject is approaching, fast, and he doesn't know how to explain any of it. "Yeah, she got permission to visit earlier than we expected."
Orihime nods, looking down at her feet. Ishida narrows his eyes.
"So, it's official?" Ichigo keeps quiet, so Ishida specifies. "You're a captain?"
"Uh, yeah." Ichigo clears his throat. "I am."
There's a weird feeling in the air, one he can't pinpoint. Whatever it is, it's uncomfortable. Ishida stares at him like he wants to kill, and Orihime can't seem to decide whether she wants to draw out his gaze or avoid it altogether. Eventually she makes a little squeak that sounds like awkward laughter.
"Wow, Kurosaki-kun as a captain… that's pretty huge."
Ichigo chuckles, running the sole of his shoe over a pebble. "It is, huh? I'm still getting used to it myself."
"Still, it was very brave of you to do this for Ka—"
"Kurosaki," Ishida suddenly cuts everyone off, his voice deadly. "I need to talk to you, alone."
Ichigo bites his tongue. Rukia instantly picks up the conversation with Chad and Inoue, diverting their attention to some question about university, work, and what else they've been up to so that Ichigo can follow Ishida to a dark corner by the alleyway. The dumpster smells like discarded banana peels and rust, and Ichigo's ear starts to ring.
"Look, Ishida," he begins, already dreading this conversation. "I know I should've told you guys, but I—"
"Is this permanent?"
Ichigo pauses, mouth agape, closing it once he meets Ishida's serious gaze. Now that they're away from the others, he doesn't seem all that angry, more like… concerned.
"Permanent?"
"When we were told you had accepted captaincy, we pretty much put two and two together; that you were leaving your life here behind."
Ichigo narrows his eyes, mirroring Ishida's stance. "It's not like I had much of a choice."
"Kurosaki." His calculated eyes tell him he's not up for any form of bullshit. "You know that's not the extent of it." The tension grows with the silence. "Just be straight with me; is it what you want?"
Something Ichigo secretly appreciates about Ishida—as strange of a friendship as it is, there's this common understanding of each other, the ability to read between lines. While Ichigo's always found it to be a pain in the ass on a day to day basis, once in a while it has its perks.
Like right now.
Ichigo doesn't even think it over, knowing it'll mess up the truth he already knows is his real answer. Over a year ago, when the Seireitei turned his mind upside down with their captaincy offer, he declined because he thought it would mean giving up on his life. The life his mother died to give him.
But he was wrong, for he felt most alive wearing his shihakusho, skin covered in sweat after training on the grassy plains of the Seireitei, warmth of the sunset on his face, Rukia by his side.
He only hopes his friends can understand.
"Yes. It's what I want."
Ishida nods, exhaling, as though he's relieved to hear it. There, Ichigo almost wants to say, happy now?
But he keeps his mouth shut.
"You know she loves you, right?" No confirmation or denial. "She thought she was waiting for you all these years, only to find out you left your humanity behind without telling us."
A beat. "I know… I'm sorry, but I'm not what she needs. You know it's true. She needs a guy like you, someone she can depend on."
Ishida widens his eyes, suddenly falling quiet.
"Just…" Ichigo sighs. "Take care of her, please."
"I will," he answers after a dragging minute of avoiding eye contact. "What about you?"
Ichigo nods, the answer bringing his soul at peace. "I'll be fine. Tell them not to worry about me."
They shake hands in understanding, in farewell, in gratitude. A friendship that never should've seen the day of light, still alive today despite the odds.
After parting ways with his friends and promising he and Karin will come back as often as they can, it's time to say goodbye to his family, at least for now. Yuzu clings to Karin, but she's holding it together, telling her to kick ass at the Academy (she uses the term 'butt' because Yuzu doesn't even have a hint of a foul mouth) and makes her swear to write each other weekly letters.
Amidst the goodbyes and good wishes between the girls, Isshin pulls Ichigo aside.
"Ichigo, I haven't thanked you for looking after Karin."
Ichigo blinks, scratching his head. "Dad, you don't have to, really, it's—"
"I know, I know." Isshin sighs, clasping a hand on his firstborn's shoulder. "But I need you to know I'm proud of you, son. And not just regarding your sister; I'm proud of you for the man you're becoming."
Freezing, Ichigo doesn't even try to hide his surprise. "But… I always thought you wanted me to have a normal life. In the world of the living, like you and mom did."
"I want what will make you happiest, son." Isshin smiles, and it's one of those rare smiles that makes Ichigo feel like he's eight years old and barely taller than the kitchen table; there's not a hint of typical dramatization, playfulness, quirk. "I figured it was only a matter of time before you accepted the Seireitei's offer." His smile stretches into a grin, oozing with Shiba pride. "It's only right for my son to take up the captaincy I gave up, all those years ago. Life has a way of coming full circle."
Ichigo doesn't know what to say. He swallows the emotion in his throat, and smiles back at his father.
"Thank you, dad. Thank you."
Shinigamis part ways with humans, the emotion in the air happier than it is sad. To Karin, it's like breathing oxygen for the first time in over a month. She feels lighter as she walks, and the feeling intensifies as she ditches her gigai for what is now her real form; her soul, clad in a white and red uniform. She smiles to herself.
"You okay, sis?"
Karin meets Ichigo's eyes, nodding.
"Yes. I'm glad we came."
Ichigo mirrors her smile, following Rukia as she opens the Kuchiki Senkaimon. Karin falls into their steps, leaving Karakura behind and heading head first for the light.
A/N: yep. we're back. all it took was three episodes of bleach tybw, you ask? that's right. over ten years later and i'm still weak for ichiruki. i have no idea if people are still around, or if the follow feature still works; regardless, for now the show's back on the road, peeps.