Hi there,

This chapter is a bit longer...

Thanks Dee for your comment, I hope you like this chapter.

Good reading

CHAPTER 3 : In need of him

.

Arthur looked at Merlin with a worried look. For three days, he had seemed withdrawn. During the party, Merlin had barely smiled and had not stayed long, claiming to be tired. Arthur didn't even know if his valet had noticed that he wasn't yelling at him anymore?

This morning, Merlin's face was marked by fatigue, and Arthur did not like it. He felt like a tyrant who did not take care of his servants. He would have liked to give him fewer tasks, but the way Merlin had taken it the last time, Arthur preferred not to reiterate its proposal. Besides, he would never have dared to dismiss him, after all they had been through together.

Arthur respected him for many reasons, but the most important was that Merlin had always been there for the kingdom and for him. His valet looked like a complete idiot, but behind that face, there was a lot of wisdom.

"Merlin?" he called to him.

His valet looked up for a few seconds and went back to his work. Arthur met an empty gaze which it made him the effect of a winter wind. Arthur had more and more difficult to recognize him. These last days, he had spied his every move, especially in the evening. Merlin seemed to be impatient to leave him after having served him his evening meal, as if someone was waiting for him.

Of course, Arthur immediately thought of this Charles, but Merlin did not come out of the night to find a person. And since yesterday, Merlin seemed upset and melancholy. In spite of everything, Arthur felt for him, he had made it a point to see him happy.

"Wouldn't you cover a what conch illness?" he asked him.

"No, sire," Merlin answered him in a morose voice.

Arthur sighed and rose to join him by his wardrobe. There was something disturbing in the sudden immobility of his interlocutor. Merlin, did he think he was going to bully him?

"You're pale, if you need rest..." began Arthur, who was doing his best not to offend him.

"I'm not sick!"

"Merlin?" the king whispered, uncomfortable with his reaction, "I know you well enough to know when you are not well."

"Leave me alone!" his valet thundered as he left the room.

.

Merlin ran until to the stable. Out of breath, he took a few seconds to catch his breath. He knew the dreams wouldn't last forever, but he didn't expect that to miss Charles' laughter him and his Arthur's sweet words to touch his soul.

There, Merlin belonged. He was a wizard, the husband of a good king, and the father of a wonderful boy. Here, there was nothing for him.

Leaning against a fence, he closed his eyelids, in trying to see the features of his two men. He didn't understand the reason for their absence, and it hurt his heart terribly.

.

Gwaine had not forgotten his mission. He had quickly found the object of his thoughts, and to be seen, his hollowed and weary face, Gwaine felt his stomach twist.

"Merlin?" he called out as he approached him.

When the servant looked up at him his lifeless eyes. Gwaine knew from his expression that he was certainly not the only one to stare at him in this way.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me," Merlin informed him with a smile.

"Your smile is not genuine, my friend. You know you can tell me anything."

"It's nothing Gwaine, I'm having trouble sleeping right now," he whispered to him.

"Why don't you take a few days off? At least, so you can recuperate a little?"

Merlin let out a complaint.

"I remind you that I am in the service of his royal majesty and I have already refused to cut back on my daily duties."

"Why didn't you agree?" Gwaine insisted. "Don't I recognize you anymore Merlin? For some time, you have been distracted..."

"I refused because I feel there was no reason for the king to be lenient with me, just because I look tired!" retorted Merlin hastily.

Gwaine noted that Merlin no longer used Arthur's first name. Something was definitely wrong, and he was having trouble getting him to talk.

"Did Arthur do or say something out of place?"

"No, he's true to himself!" Merlin slammed. "Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do again!"

.

Gwaine, far from giving up, pretended to leave. By staying back, he spent the day watching him. Merlin had taken care of brushing and feeding the horses in the royal stable. By noon, Merlin had hurried to put down the king's lunch tray, since he was leaving the room rather quickly. Gwaine was surprised, but it did not bother him more. In the afternoon, he followed him to the river that ran behind the castle.

.

Merlin, Arthur's laundry basket in his arms, glanced around before kneeling down. He thought of the royal garden he had discovered in his dreams. Without realizing it, he grabbed one of the king's shirts, brought it to his nose, and smelled it for a few seconds. It was the same smell as his Arthur's. It was a scent he had slowly grown to love, but the king of this reality would never be his.

He looked sadly at the surface of the water in thinking that perhaps he should suggest to Arthur that he plants a beautiful garden? It would be enough if he placed a large fountain and a few rose bushes.

To whom could he tell that he had fallen in love with an Arthur who did not exist? That he had a wonderful son? And that he missed all this? Not Gwaine, not even Gaius: nobody. Merlin would look unbalanced.

He closed his eyelids and smiled as he remembered of Charles running with his arms outstretched, facing the wind. His throat tightened and his eyes grew misty. He wished so much that his Arthur was here, holding him by the waist and telling him how much he loved him, how dull his life would be without him. But this beautiful garden existed only in his dream and his poor heart. The caress of a gentle breeze forced him to open his eyes that plunged into those of Gwaine.

"Merlin, please, who put you in this state?"

Merlin wanted to look away, but Gwaine forbade it by placing a hand on his cheek.

"If," the knight resumed, "someone is hurting you, just give me their name and I'll go stick my blade in that Arthur?" Gwaine asked him, who had just planted his eyes on the shirt he still held in his hands.

Merlin quickly threw the object into the basket and then shook his head.

"No, it's not him," he lied.

"Merlin?" insisted Gwaine, "I don't like to see you like this, if Arthur has..."

"HE didn't do anything!" cried Merlin, at a loss. "Now, please! Leave me alone!"

The knight sat up and just looked at him. His eyes were bright with uncontrolled tears, but what he saw in it was a desperation without a name.

"Go away!" Merlin shouted at him.

"No," he said, grabbing his arm. "Talk to me, or I'll nag you until you tell me everything!"

Through Merlin's tears, Gwaine became aware that this was more than a matter of the heart. Everything that touched his friend was also about magic. Love was not a subject men told each other, and even less so when it included magic. Charles, was he a sorcerer or just a man, who had captured Merlin's heart?

"I can't," his friend muttered sadly as erasing his tears.

"Very well, but know that I am here."

Gwaine left without saying his last word. He went in search of his dear lover Leon, who was supposed to be on the training ground. When he arrived, he met Arthur in it.

"What is certain, sire, is that Merlin is not well. Maybe it's that Charles?" only Gwaine whispered sullenly, "I've looked hard enough, but no one in the kingdom has that name, I don't think he exists."

.

.

Two days later, Arthur couldn't take it anymore. Merlin was hiding something from him, and it pained him not to be able to help him. He may have been king, but they were friends first and foremost? This morning, like the day before, his valet was late except that today the sun was already high in the sky. Although he took it upon himself to miss breakfast to wait for her, he headed for Gaius' laboratory, more worried than angry.

"Sire," the physician whispered him, I'm sorry, "I had so many people this morning that I couldn't warn you that Merlin will be in bed all day. He needs his rest."

He listened to the physician as he walked to his valet's door.

"Sire," Gaius murmured him as he placed himself in front of the door, "I don't know what's wrong with him, lately, he's like...detached."

"Detached?" he repeated.

"I don't know how to tell you, it's like Merlin doesn't have the taste,"...Gaius told him taking a second before continuing painfully, "...to live, I've been trying to talk to him about it, but he refuses to tell me anything. I'm afraid he's shutting himself off..."

"Can I anyway see him?" he asked, planting a gaze that allowed no refusal.

Gaius sighed and grabbed a bowl of soup and handed it to him:

"Here, give him this, he needs to feed."

.

Merlin, with his face towards his window, contemplated it without really seeing it. His eyes reddened from crying, he closed them, cursing his feelings that should not have happened. But after seven days without seeing Charles and his Arthur, Merlin was feeling in lack. Nothing to keep him here, he just wanted to fall asleep forever and find them.

When he heard his door creak open, he discovered the king who entered his room.

"Merlin?"

Arthur's voice broke a fiber inside him. Feeling new tears in the corner of his eyes, Merlin quickly brushed them away and took a deep breath.

"Sire," he whispered weakly.

Merlin straightened and turned his face away from the king. Looking at him had become an unimaginable pain that he never thought he would ever feel. He had fallen in love with this man and, this, he could not fight.

"Merlin?" reiterated Arthur as he sat down on the edge of his bed, "you need to eat something."

"No."

"Merlin..."

"Please leave me alone. I'm just tired."

"No, I've been watching you for several days. I need to know what's wrong."

He needed to know? If he knew that his soul and heart were crying for a love that didn't exist, what would he do? But the most difficult was being next to the man of his dreams. Merlin quickly ran his hands over his eyes again and asked him to leave him alone. Not wanting the king to see him in this state any longer, Merlin tried to smile.

He needed to think about something else, to pull himself together and forget that in another life he had had a son and a husband.

"Merlin?"

He had to force himself to look up and meet the young Pendragon's eyes, which confirmed that he was not his own. But the perfume of the king tickled his nose, reminding him of the tender moments he had spent with his Arthur. At this thought, his throat knotted and his eyes fogged. His body was in need of his caresses and his soft kisses. It was undeniable, he missed his Arthur terribly. His lips suddenly stretched in a rictus of sorrow and Merlin let out his sobs, hiccupping without being able to stop.

At the sudden burst of Merlin's tears, Arthur placed the bowl at his bedside and pulled him close. He didn't know if it would comfort him, but it was all he could do. Feeling the shaking body of his valet compressed his chest and squeezed his heart.

He had never known him to be like this. Gaius was right, Merlin was no longer himself.

"Merlin," he called him again as his valet's hands grasped the top of his tunic.

Merlin couldn't get rid of the scent. He wanted to soak it in just one last time, before returning to real life, but where was the truth? He didn't know anymore. Could this Arthur be his one day? Or did his Arthur exist only in his heart? Crying and burying his face against the chest of the one he loved in his dreams, he listened to Arthur ask him:

"Do you need that I got someone to come for you?"

Arthur tried to contain the emotions that were assailing him, because Merlin was definitely in love with someone. It was a heartache that Arthur was not responsible for, and even if he had wanted to, he would have done anything to make Merlin smile.

But it wasn't him that his valet was in love with. It broke his heart because he would never be as important as the person Merlin loved. For now, he didn't have to act as a ruler, but as a friend. So even though it upset him, he thought, maybe Merlin needed this person around?

"I..." Merlin muttered between sobs.

"Yes, who do you want me to go to get?" asked Arthur with the faint hope that he would claim him and no one else.

Merlin, his forehead resting against the king's chest, wanted only Arthur, but he couldn't tell him that. How could he explain to him, that he had fallen in love with him? It wasn't possible... so Merlin thought of his wonderful boy...

"I want,... I want... Charles,... I want Charles..."

Merlin had to keep quiet about this desire that was born from a dream. A simple dream that had opened his eyes. This Arthur was not his. He didn't even know about his magic, so silence was his best defense. Exhausted by his tears and strong emotions, he closed his eyes and let himself be intoxicated by the scent of the king, a king who will not be his.

...-M&A-...

"Merlin, my heart? Stop fidgeting around..."

Recognizing his Arthur's voice, Merlin instantly opened his eyes and threw himself against him to hug him as tightly as he could. His heart was beating so fast that he was sure that this dream was his reality.

"Hey, easy!" laughed Arthur as he ruffled his unruly hair.

Merlin looked around before bursting into tears. Incomprehensible words came out of his throat so much that his lover had to kiss him to shut him up. As Arthur began to walk away, Merlin quickly grabbed his top in fear that it would disappear.

"Sweetheart, I'll try to translate your gibberish, did you have a nightmare?"

"Yes, stay with me," he begged, drying his tears.

"I wasn't planning on leaving, you know it's still dark?"

Merlin finally noticed that the curtains were closed and that they were in their nightclothes. He put a hand on his round belly, reassured that he was truly pregnant.

"Merlin?"

He felt suddenly attracted towards the chest of his lover who was careful not to hurt him.

"I don't want to sleep, my prince, I want..."

No sooner had he said his words than his lips were imprisoned by Arthur's. Making his heart flutter, he let himself be carried away by these soft kisses. There was in the gestures of his man, a softness that managed to calm his nervous body. He felt with insistence the hands of his king who caressed him with attention. Moaning through his kisses, his tongue dancing with hers, it was as if he had never left, because Arthur was making up for the lack he had suffered lately.

This Arthur was his.

Later, snuggled up against him, Arthur urged him to lie down properly for his belly. Merlin complied and smiled as his lover cradled his face to his chest. Merlin, who did not want to go back to sleep, slipped a hand in the blond hair of Arthur.

"You should be asleep sweetheart," Arthur said to him.

"No, I'd like you to tell me about the first time you knew you really loved me," he asked shyly.

Merlin watched as his lover sat beside him and looked at him. His eyes were those of a happy man in love, the once he had recently come to cherish. How could a dream reveal to him something he had never realized? He placed a hand against Arthur's cheek who tilted his head to feel his warmth. It was one of the moments Merlin enjoyed. His man was, with him, a natural that baffled him.

"Honestly, I don't know when I started harboring feelings for you, but I remember a time when you weren't well."

"Really?"

"My heart? You were there, anyway. Well, perhaps, I think you were there without really being there..."

Merlin smiled at his lover's amused look.

"The first time, you passed out and I laid you on my bed. While I was waiting for Gaius, you woke up for a moment and kissed my hand..." Arthur said to him, taking one of his hands."

"Really? I don't remember..."

Arthur's face reflected of sadness and Merlin understood why later:

"But I really understood that I loved you with all my heart, the day I agreed to lose you so that you could be happy."

After his words, Arthur kissed him with all his tenderness. There was so much love that Merlin felt his tears return.

"Why do you look so sad, sweetheart?" his lover worried.

The sorcerer saw a glimmer of fear in his eyes.

"I'm afraid I won't wake up in your bed again," he stammered, " and to realize that everything I live with you is a dream."

Seeing that Arthur was wrinkling his eyelids, Merlin told him the other reality. It was a world where his Arthur was different. A life where they were nothing like a couple.

"Really, Merlin," Arthur interrupted him. "I feel like you're describing the royal jerk I had been..."

"Just because I don't say it anymore, doesn't mean you are not it," Merlin laughed.

"Hey!" sulked Arthur. "I thought I'd gotten better!"

Merlin smiled from ear to ear as he caught sight of his lover's flushed cheeks. This Arthur was infinitely adorable, but Merlin would never tell him that.

"Hey, my heart, I'm sulking," Arthur whispered, tapping him on the shoulder with his index finger.

Merlin burst out laughing, a bubble of joy swelling his chest, then moved his hands forward to frame his lover's face and kiss him.

"I think we woke up the baby," Merlin whispered as he felt knocks in his belly.

"You mean the babies?" said Arthur to him.

Eyes round, Merlin froze, lips forming an O.

"Outch, you really need to sleep my heart. Yes, you are expecting twins. Gaius could make out two distinct heartbeats..."

Merlin placed a hand on his belly and saw Arthur's hand clasped to his, and their fingers intertwined.

"I'm sorry," Arthur whispered to him.

"Why?" he asked.

"For putting you through this pregnancy..."

"Don't say that, on the contrary, I've never been so happy in my life..."

The arms of his lover embraced him as if Arthur was afraid for him. Without understanding this burst of tenderness, he preferred to take full advantage of this simple gesture. This Arthur, did he realize at which point he made his life a marvelous adventure? Glued to his prince and with closed eyelids, Merlin listened to their heartbeats beat in unison.

His life was here, with this king, his son and his future children.

...-M&A-...

When Arthur realized that Merlin had fallen asleep, he laid him down comfortably. Gazing at his face, his heart broke, because his valet was in love with a man, Charles. He left the room and met the physician who was waiting to hear from him. It was rare for Arthur to display his emotions, but knowing that someone had taken possession of Merlin's love made him completely sad. Instead of answering Gaius, he motioned with his hand, indicating to him that he would not speak now.

.

"Sire?" called Gwaine to him.

"With the knights, find me that Charles," Arthur ordered him, staring piteously at the ground of the corridor.

"But," interrupted the knight him.

"Merlin is ill," he said as he walked past Gwaine without looking at him, in a deadened voice. "Merlin wants Charles at his side. Go even to Healdor if you must..."

Arthur, demoralized and depressed, climbed the stairs, forcing himself to smile through his knotted throat. He had already lost Merlin. If he wanted to at least keep him in the kingdom, he would do anything to keep him happy.

As he walked, he angrily blocked his traitorous tears from the edges of his eyes. He convinced himself that seeing him every day would be enough. But it hurt too much. If he hadn't hesitated to confess his feelings for Merlin, he surely would have dared to court him.

Now it was too late. His heart had to give up the idea that Merlin would ever share his feelings.

...-M&A-...

Merlin jumped as he felt the warmth of the sun's rays against his face.

"My heart, did you sleep well?"

He sat down quickly on the edge of his bed, happy to be near his man.

"Pleasantly well slept," he replied with a smile.

Arthur approached him and placed a kiss on his cheek. Merlin was so happy that his lips stretched to give him his most beautiful smile.

"You are beautiful my little wizard," whispered his lover stealing a kiss before heading for the door. "Charles should be back soon with his glass of milk, you know how much he wants you to drink it, he may well be even more protective of his little brothers."

"Or little sister," Merlin added meeting his loving gaze.

"Um, yeah, I'd like a little Merline," he laughed, then he left the room.

Merlin was still smiling when the door opened on his son. Still in his nightclothes, his little boy was blowing out his brown locks that prevented him from seeing where he was stepping. Merlin grabbed the glass of milk that Charles handed him and thanked him.

"Uh!" the child said, pointing with an index finger to his belly, "for baby one and for baby two!"

Merlin laughed as he finished his drink. He got up and told him it might be time to cut his hair. He reached into the closet for his clothes as his heart raced. His magic told him to look at his son immediately.

Merlin pivoted and saw Charles climb onto an unstable stool. With a wave of his hand, Merlin slid the object over to him, then hugged his son to his rounded stomach. He was about to scold him, but Charles' eyes were planted in his, already filled with tears and shining with a golden glow.

"Charles?" he whispered worriedly.

"Dad," Charles whispered with difficulty, crying loudly, "Listen to me, dad! It's echo, echo, echo..."

...-M&A-...

Merlin found himself propelled into his bed, taking his breath away. He was no longer in his reality! This was not his life. While thinking about this, his chest compressed and an inhuman cry, imprint of terrible sadness, came out of his mouth.

Gaius, who was handling his potions, suddenly dropped what he was doing and ran, frightened, into his ward's room. Merlin was gesticulating while repeating like a madman "I want to go home! ".

"Merlin?" he cried, shaking his shoulders to calm him down.

"Gaius!" the wizard hiccupped, "where are they? What have you done? I want to go home! I want to see them again!"

.

.

We will understand better in the next chapter what is really going on!