FAMILY PORTRAIT, FAMILY SHADOWS
CHAPTER 8
Sometime at the End of July
Bullpen, NCIS
Kaity stood between her father's desk and her Uncle Timmy's, chin trembling, near tears. Her daddy had just yelled at her. Again. He'd been doing that a lot the last couple of weeks.
Tim stood, giving Tony an angry glare. Kaity was just being a kid, hadn't deserved the harsh scolding she'd just gotten. He picked Kaity up and started walking for the elevator. "C'mon, Kaity, I think Grampa Ducky bought some more of that candy you like." Tim didn't think Kaity really cared where they went, but the agent knew if anyone would sympathize and coddle the little girl, it was the kindly ME.
Ziva watched Tim enter the elevator with Kaity on his hip, head resting sadly on his shoulder. She turned to Tony, who was immersed in his work. "Was that really necessary?"
"Was what really necessary?" He kept working. At last it was quiet in here, and now Ziva was going to nag.
"You know what! Yelling at Kaitlyn that way. She did not deserve to be reprimanded like that."
Tony stopped typing for a second. "Working here, Zee-vah." He resumed his work, trying to ignore his partner when she walked up to his desk. He stopped typing again and looked up at Ziva with a sigh. "What?"
Ziva leaned on Tony's desk. "What is the matter with you lately? You have been angry and gnarly at everyone…"
"Snarly, Zee, I've been snarly at everyone. Gnarly is all tangled up. Unless 'yer like, a surf dude, and the waves are totally gnarly, man,'" he imitated a stereotypical California surfer, "in which case, gnarly means awesome."
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever! I do not know what is up with you, but it needs to stop. You come in almost every morning with a bee in your bonnet, and take out your frustrations on the rest of us. But we are adults, we understand that you are in a persnickety mood." She glared at him. "Your daughter, on the other hand, should not have to suffer your anger at someone else."
Tony glared back. "Is it too much to ask for a little peace and quiet while I'm working? I seem to recall a certain ninja complaining about the noise level in here quite often."
"That was because you would not shut up with your….your…your….." Ziva tried for the right word. She mimicked talking with her hands. "Your 'yabba-yabba' about your girls and your stupid movie references." She slammed her hand down on his desk. "There is a big difference between your 'yabba yabba' and a song sung by a happy, little girl!" Ziva stormed back to her desk. "I do not know, nor do I care, what is going on with you, but whatever it is, Tony….fix it." She sat angrily, typing madly on her computer.
He knew Ziva was right. He was being snarly, bringing his domestic problems to work. At least Abby was lucky, she worked alone, no co-workers to make things worse. As he scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration, he saw a flash of pink out of the corner of his eye. Kaity's backpack. Dammit, he had taken his frustrations out on her earlier. And his girl didn't deserve that. What the hell was wrong with him, yelling at her like that - and in front of everyone else, no less? All he seemed to be doing lately was apologizing to Kaity. Hearing the ding of the elevator, he looked up and saw Gibbs stride off, that angry gleam in his eye. "Got a case, boss?" The glare he received in return made his blood run cold. "Boss?" A movement by the elevator made him look back, to see his daughter, tear-stained face and thumb in her mouth, leaning against McGee's leg. He knew now the reason for the glare.
Never taking his eyes off Tony, Gibbs said, "Goin' home," angrily, gathering his stuff from his desk. "Ziva, when McGee comes back, you two go talk to Captain Belrose again. Ask him about the emails found on the PO's computer." Ziva nodded.
Tony was worried when Gibbs walked right past him with just a freezing glare. "What about me, boss?" As soon as Gibbs stopped in his tracks, Tony knew he should have kept his big mouth shut.
Gibbs turned and walked back to DiNozzo, mad enough to bite the SFA's head off. "What about you, DiNozzo? I really don't think you want to know what I think you should do with yourself. You're on cold cases." He began walking back to the elevator.
"Cold cases?" Tony whined. "For how long?" He almost swallowed his tongue at the scathing look Gibbs gave him.
"Until I say otherwise." He turned to Ziva. "You can reach me at home." Then he went to the elevator, where Kaity held up her hands for him to carry her. Once he did so, her thumb went back in her mouth, her head rested on his shoulder.
Tony watched Gibbs leave with his despondent daughter, and hated himself for making her feel that way. He reached up and gave himself a good head slap. And as much as he hated working cold cases, he figured he deserved it. He logged out of the case he was working on and headed down to the records department.
1900 Hours (7:00 PM) That Evening
DiNozzo Residence
Tony had worked a couple hours extra before heading home. Just the aura in the house told him that starting a conversation with Abby would be a bad idea. Abby did speak to him long enough to tell him that Kaity hadn't eaten dinner when she'd come home from Gibbs' house, and the young girl wasn't speaking to her, and Gibbs wouldn't answer his phone. Tony had planned to apologize to both Abby and Kaity, but reading his wife's body language, now would not be a good time. So he headed to his daughter's room. She wasn't one to hold a grudge.
It was only 7PM, but Kaity's room was dark, except for the evening sun filtering through the flowy white curtains and her portable DVD player. Her door was half-way closed, so Tony knocked quietly before pushing it open a little more. "Hey, punkin." No response. Well hell, what did you expect, genius, after you yelled at her earlier? "Can I come in?" He saw Kaity shrug her shoulders. He walked slowly to where she was sitting up in bed, but didn't sit on it, like he usually did. He didn't think she'd welcome him so close just yet. "You ok, baby?" A nod. "Mommy says you didn't eat anything for dinner…."
"I ate at grampa's," came the soft, shaky whisper, as if she could burst into tears at any second.
Tony nodded, put his hands in his pocket to keep himself from grabbing the little girl up in a hug. "Ok, that's ok. We just wanted to be sure you weren't hungry." She shook her head. "Want to join me for an ice cream sundae?" Kaity shook her head no. "You sure?" She nodded. "Whatcha' watching?" A shrug. He craned his neck to see. "That one of your new Princess Pony videos?" A nod. "Can…I watch it with you?" Tony saw that little chin tremble, but Kaity shrugged. Taking that as a reluctant 'yes,' Tony eased himself onto the edge of her bed, sliding up so his back was against the headboard, the way she'd been sitting. As he leaned back, Kaity scooted herself forward a few feet, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. If ever there was a 'leave me alone' signal, that was it, but Tony knew he wouldn't be able to sleep until he'd made things right with his little girl, so he vowed to wait her out - she'd tire of sitting that way soon enough.
And sure enough, she did. But instead of dropping back next to him, Kaity went forward, onto her stomach, that much further away from him. At least he could reach her lower leg and foot. He gently put a hand on her leg, and closed his eyes against the pain when she jumped and pulled her leg away from his hand. "Ok, baby. I'll leave you alone." He stood slowly, keeping his eyes on her, looking for any positive sign, and finding none. He walked the length of the bed, stopped, and put his hand on her head. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for yelling at you today, Kaity-Did." He stroked her baby-fine hair. "I was angry about something else, and my mad came out at you, and that was wrong. I didn't mean to make you sad, baby." No reaction. "Seems like all I'm doing lately is asking you to forgive me. And that really bothers me, because the last thing I ever want to do is make you sad." Still no indication that she even heard him. He sighed. "Ok. I'm going." Tony leaned over and laid a lingering kiss on the top of her head. "I love you, sweet girl. And I am so, so sorry I yelled at you." He walked slowly to the door, hoping she'd call him back and throw her arms around him. But she didn't. At the door he turned and watched her for a minute, guilt eating a hole in his stomach. "Night, sweetheart." Not even a wave. Tony turned and walked away, feeling worse than he did before going to see Kaity.
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The pattern continued off and on for a few weeks. Some days Tony was killing Kaity with kindness, others he was grouchy and surly with her. For instance, the time they were leaving NCIS for the night. Kaity had been skipping ahead of the adults. Tony called to her to slow down, but in typical six-year old fashion, Kaity ignored him. A second later, he called to her again a little louder. As she neared an intersection in the lot, Kaity knew enough to stop and look for cars - she'd practically grown up walking in this lot. She had just taken one step out when a car came around the corner. Before Kaity could even take a step back, Tony was there, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her back.
"I told you to slow down and stay with me!"
Kaity was shaken up, more by her father's reaction than the actual incident. "But I…."
"No 'buts'! You almost got yourself run over! Is that what you want?" Tony was bent over, holding Kaity by the chin with one hand, the other still wrapped around her arm. "Because that's what happens to kids that don't listen!"
"I'm sor-ry, daddy," she whimpered, big, fat tears rolling down her cheeks.
"A lot of good 'sorry' will do when you're lying in the road! That's why you need to listen to me! Now quit your crying and let's go!"
Kaity was almost hysterical. "I don't wanna' lie in the road! I'm sorry! I'm sorry daddy!"
Ziva and Jimmy walked up to the father and daughter. "What is the matter here? We could hear you yelling as we came out of the garage." Ziva was concerned when she'd heard Kaity say she didn't want to lie in the road. What was Tony filling the poor girl's mind with?
"Someone wasn't listening - again! - and almost got herself hit by a car. That's what's the matter." Tony stood and released Kaithy's arm from his grip.
Jimmy eyeballed her, looking for any signs of trauma. "You ok, Kaity?" The little girl nodded through her tears. "You sure? Grampa Ducky is still here if you want to go see him." The little girl shook her head.
"I want Aunty Ziva," she whined.
Tony took Kaity's hand and started leading her away. "We don't have time, kiddo. Ziva's go things to do and we have to get home." Ziva was about to disagree when Tony flashed his glare at her.
Kaity put her foot down and began screaming. "I want Aunty Ziva! Wanna' go home with Aunty Ziva!"
Seeing other agents on their way home stop to watch, Tony was embarrassed. He pulled his crying, shaking daughter close to him and bent over. "You want to ride with Aunty Ziva? Is that what you want?" He muttered angrily. When Kaity nodded, he stood and dropped her hand like it was on fire. "Fine," he growled. "Ride with Ziva. Maybe I'll finally get some peace and quiet for a change."
Both Jimmy and Ziva gasped, and Ziva knelt and took the scared child in her arms. "I will be glad to give you a ride home, sweet Kait." She picked the shaking, sobbing child up and walked for her car, her eyes shooting daggers at Tony. "I have an idea, sweetheart - why don't we sing that new song you like on the way home. You can sing as loud as you want. I like to hear you sing."
Tony stalked off to his car, not even sparing Ziva and Kaity a second glance, he was so upset.
"You know I'm always here, if you need to talk or anything, Tony….." Jimmy began.
Tony opened his car door and stopped, facing the car, squinching his eyes between his thumb and finger. Dammit, he'd screwed up again. He'd been thinking over a case as he and Kaity walked to the car, and next thing he knows, she's about to be hit by a car. He'd never been so scared in his life. The whole scene replayed in his head - "….almost run over….happens to kids that don't listen….lying in the road….quit crying….have peace and quiet for a change….." and Kaity… "I'm sorry daddy, don't want to lie in the road, I'm sorry…I'm sorry….I'm sorry….I'm sorry…." Tony pounded on the roof of the car over and over, angry with himself, Kaity's "I'm sorrys" echoing in his head. He'd hurt his baby girl again. He'd been so scared, seeing that car coming toward her, picturing her lying in the road, hurt or worse. But did he tell her that? No, he yelled at her, berated her, made her cry. Christ, he was turning into his father… Tony took out his phone and called Abby. "I'm going to be late, going to the gym. Don't hold dinner…..(sigh) Ziva will tell you all about when she brings Kaity home…..yeah….ok. Oh, hey, Abbs?….make sure our babe's ok for me, ok?….thanks." He snapped his phone shut and slammed the car door closed. One more punch to the car door, and Tony turned, seeing Jimmy for the first time. The other man had said something to him….."Thanks for the offer, Jimmy. But right now, I need to hit something, seeing as I can't hit myself. Talk to you tomorrow." He pushed past Jimmy and strode back to NCIS and the gym, where hopefully he could get rid of some of this anger at himself.
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One of the most horrifying of these events happened not much longer after the parking lot incident. Tony had tried everything he could think of to make things up to Kaity for the way he'd been acting lately, but she was just becoming more and more withdrawn from him, and he didn't know what to do.
This afternoon found Tony and Kaity and AJ at the playground near their house. Abby was off somewhere with Gibbs, and Tim had joined Tony and the kids at the park. There were several small children running around, so it helped to have an extra pair of eyes to keep and eye on his kids, especially AJ. The boy was so quick, so hyper, that Tony always teases that Abby has been giving him Caf-Pow instead of milk. After checking on AJ, he searched for and found Kaity, playing on the swings with some friends, laughing, smiling, the sun and the activity putting color in her cheeks. He sighed - this was how his little girl should look, not sad, or scared, or worried. He smiled when she stopped swinging when her brother came over and asked her to take him to the slide. There were some bigger kids (older than him, but younger than Kaity), and they sometimes didn't let him take a turn. Kaity really was a terrific kid, despite how she came into being, and his heart overflowed with love for her and her whirlwind of a little brother. Tony and Tim chatted as they watched Kaity help AJ on his way up the ladder, and then go around to catch him at the bottom of the slide.
Although it had only been three or four turns helping AJ at the slide, to Kaity it felt like hours. She helped her brother up the first few steps, and started walking around to catch him at the bottom when a friend called her from the climbing thing. She laughed to see the girl hanging upside down with a silly grin on her face. Just then, a wail pierced the air. AJ! She turned and saw him on his hands and knees on the ground at the bottom of the slide, crying. She quickly walked over and started to help him up. He had a small scrape on one knee, but no blood. She was just going to check his hands when her daddy came over, yelling at her and sweeping AJ into his arms, cuddling him. She tried telling daddy she was sorry, tried to hug AJ, but daddy swung him further away from her. "I…I'm sorry, daddy…" She could feel the tears pooling in her eyes.
"Sorry? You were supposed to be watching him!"
"But…it was just…" a tear ran down her cheek.
"It was 'just' nothing! You know you're supposed to keep an eye on him on the slide!"
Tim tried diffusing the situation. "It's no big deal, Tony," he said quietly. "AJ's fine, just a scratch. He's more scared than anything, and this isn't helping any."
"It is a big deal. She knows she's supposed to keep an eye on her brother." Tony glared at a crying Kaity. "What were you thinking? Obviously, you weren't thinking! You're lucky he's not seriously hurt - next time he could be. God! Think next time!"
Kaity couldn't take anymore. All her friends were staring, watching her daddy yell at her. Uncle Timmy tried to help, but daddy wasn't listening, and he started arguing with Uncle Timmy, who started yelling back. This was all her fault - daddy and Uncle Timmy were yelling, AJ was still crying…all because of her. With a sob, she turned and ran. She didn't care where she went, she just wanted away from daddy.
"Well, when you have kids, McChildless, then we'll talk about how to deal with my kid!" Tony walked back to the bench, cooing to AJ, wiping his tears. "Let's see, buddy, what's the damage?" he checked the boy over, and aside from the shock of the landing, the worst of it was the red scrape on his knee. He bent over and kissed it better. "There we go, that should hold you 'til we get home, hm?" He cuddled AJ, drying his tears.'
Meanwhile, Tim had planned on consoling Kaity. He looked around, but didn't see her anywhere. "Uh, Tony…"
"What, McGee?"
"Uh, where's Kaity?" He continued to scan the park.
"What do you mean, 'where's Kaity?' She's right….." Tony looked where he'd last seen his daughter, but she wasn't there. "Well then, she's on the…." Kaity wasn't on the swings. "Where the hell is Kaity?" He began yelling for her, angry that she'd worry him this way. "Kaitlyn Jennifer, you're not making things any better for yourself by hiding on daddy!"
Tim talked to the kids, but none of them knew where she was, just that she left, and no, no one took her, she ran 'that way,' they pointed. He walked back to Tony, who was still fuming. "She's not here, Tony."
"She's here, McGee, she's just trying to get out of trouble."
Tim stepped right in front of Tony so he'd have to look at him. "She's not here, Tony! Her friends say she took off running that way." He pointed toward the other side of the park.
"She wouldn't do that, McGee, she knows she's supposed to stay with a grown up."
"Well, maybe if the grown-up wasn't being a jack….." Tim looked around at all the kids. "….horse's behind, maybe she would stay with the grown-ups. She took off, Tony!"
Tony scanned the playground again and again, finally starting to get worried. "No, no, not Kaity, she wouldn't….she knows…..she's smarter than that…."
"Is she really, Tony? Funny, that's not what you just told her." Taking out his phone, he speed-dialed.
"I never said…" Tony thought back a few minutes, and realized Tim was right. He'd done it again, hurt Kaity. For no reason. So AJ got a scratch on his knee, big deal, he's had worse. He's a rough and tumble boy. Boys get bumps and bruises, just a fact of life. What the hell was wrong with him? He felt a tap on his cheek and looked down at AJ. "Yeah, baby?"
"Down, daddy."
Tony absently kissed the boy's head. "In a minute, ok?"
"Daddy? Want KJ." AJ called his sister KJ. They didn't know if that was his way of saying 'Kaity', or if he thought everyone should have initials for a name, just like him.
"Me too, buddy, me too."
McGee clicked his phone shut. "Boss and Abby are almost here, they were headed this way anyway to meet up with us."
Tony shut his eyes. This would not be pretty. Once Abby got through eviscerating him, Gibbs would have a turn. "You wait here, I'll head over that way to look for her."
Tim smirked. "No way! Take your demise like a man!" He patted Tony on the shoulder. "Besides, do you really think Kaity will let you find her, when you're the one she's running from?"
AJ began bouncing in Tony's arms. "Mommy!" He squirmed. "Down, daddy! Down!" He broke free of his father's arms and started running for Abby as soon as his feet hit dirt. She scooped him up with a smile and gave him a big kiss, then started walking over to Tony with him regaling her with all the action that had just taken place. "An' now, KJ awww dawn…."
"So I heard," she said, glaring at Tony.
Sensing a very unpleasant conversation on the horizon, Tim reached for AJ. "C'mon, little buddy. Let's go find grampa."
When Tony would have spoken, Abby stopped him. "Don't! I'm tired of all the excuses! I don't care if AJ had to be Life-Flighted out of here! There's NO excuse for what you've done!"
He nodded his agreement, ran his hand through his hair. "You're right, ok? But can we argue about this later? Kaity's missing, the kids say she took off to the other side of the park…" Tony's heart was racing - they had to find his little girl!
Abby smirked evilly. "Oh, I know. I also know she made her way there just fine."
Tony stopped pacing, the look on Abby's face not registering. "What? What do you mean, 'you know', how can you know…?"
Abby did her best to rein in her anger. "Because not only did she make it to the other side of the park, she made it half-way home the back way. Gibbs and I found her walking down the street when we turned in."
While he was relieved, Tony also worried - there were no sidewalks, and she would have had to cross a main road, with no traffic lights, and where the cars drove too fast. He closed his eyes and said a quick 'thank you' to the angels watching over his baby girl. "She's ok?"
"Hard to tell, when she's crying so hysterically. If you mean physically, she's fine. She was so upset, we couldn't figure out what she was trying to tell us, and then McGee called." While Tony seemed genuinely concerned and repentant, it wasn't good enough for Abby, not anymore. "This is it, Tony. We can't go on like this anymore."
To say he was shocked was putting it mildly. "What?"
Abby had tears running down her face, but she had to stand strong for Kaity. "I've let this go on far too long, you taking your anger out on Kaity. If you have a problem with me, you take it up with me, not my daughter. Not anymore."
She wasn't…..was she saying…?
Abby wiped her face on her sleeve, sniffling. "The kids and I are staying with Gibbs for a few days…"
"What? Abby, honey, no…."
"You need to decide, Tony. I can't….." she sobbed again. "I can't put the kids through this anymore. AJ - he doesn't really understand what's going on, but he knows you've been angry with Kaity. And Kaity….she's withdrawn, scared to open her mouth for fear someone will tell her to shut up, and she's sucking her thumb again. She doesn't deserve this, Tony. So we're staying with Gibbs for a while, to give you a chance to think about what, exactly, it is you want." She wiped her cheeks again.
Tony was ready to cry, too. "What I want? I want you, and our kids, home where you belong. Don't do this, Abby, give me a chance to make this right…"
"I am, Tony. Gibbs wanted me to just start divorce proceedings….."
"Divorce? Abby, honey, please….." he begged.
Abby shook her head as she backed away, toward Gibbs car. "You need to make a decision, Tony. Because I won't bring my daughter back to that house if things don't change."
"She's my daughter too."
"Is she, Tony? You haven't been acting like it. You've been treating her like the red-headed step-child. You always promised that it wouldn't matter….."
"It doesn't matter, Abby! She's my little girl, has been since the day you found out you were pregnant. I've never thought of her any other way but mine!"
Abby did her best to get herself under control - she didn't want the kids to see her so upset. "She asked McGee the other day if he loved her. She's asked Ziva, Jimmy, Ducky, even the director, if they love her. A six-year old shouldn't ever have to ask if her family loves her - it's usually pretty obvious. But you've done such a job on her, she doubts if anyone loves her." Abby saw that that news crushed Tony. "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad - although I truly hope you do. I just thought you should know what was running through Kaity's head." She wiped her eyes, hoping she didn't look too much like a raccoon and make AJ laugh at her again. "I'm not going to stop you from seeing the kids, or them seeing you…..but if Kaity would rather not - I'm not going to make her." She sniffled again. "I love you, Tony, I love you so much. But I have to put my daughter first." She turned and walked toward the car, where Gibbs was leaning against the hood waiting for her. "Decide, Tony."
Tony stood there, dumbfounded. She took the kids - their kids - and left him. He knew what he wanted, he didn't need to decide anything! She left him….
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A/N- EEEEEP! ALL THAT ANGST! WHAT WILL TONY DO? WHAT WILL ABBY AND THE KIDS DO? WHAT WILL GIBBS DO - - - TO TONY?
DISCLAIMER - GIVE NOTHING, GET NOTHING TO OR FROM ANYONE.
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