A/N: I know Rory died today but I had most of this written beforehand, so this fic is not canon compliant.

Who keeps a secret for 20 years?

I have to ask, because it's so crazy to me that this lasted my entire life. I lived thinking that my real dad was a cop, the same man who had to fake his death to take down Cyrus Renault and protect us.

Instead, my real dad is the guy you cheated on him with.

For the record, I don't see him as my father. I don't care what the paternity test said. It doesn't matter how many times you or he or whoever try to say it - he won't be given something he hasn't earned just because. It's not enough that he's made decisions that HE thinks are best, completely ignoring my very-needed input. It's not enough that he operates like Neighborhood Watch more than he acts like a parent. I now share DNA with him and it'll be just another problem to deal with the more I'm made to "accept" him.

But this isn't about him. This is about you, and what you did.

I wonder what you were doing all those nights with Curtis, how you felt while cheating and lying. My dad would be out working, he would be on assignment, but he'd be thinking of you. And you were thinking of someone else. You were with someone else, kissing him and loving him instead.

It just makes me so angry.

I know you want to talk about it; you begged to when I found out. What is there to say? You're just going to justify it. I don't want to hear excuses, Mom. I want to know why you thought it was more important to protect yourself than to be honest. I want to know why you kept this for my whole life. MY WHOLE LIFE!

I'm so frustrated and I hate that I feel that way. I hate that you cheated, I hate that you lied, and I know it's silly to say, but I hate what this will do to me. You lied so...easily, and I'm worried that you're not the only one keeping things. I shouldn't panic over my friends or my boyfriend like this, scared that they're lying or cheating, but I can't help it.

I've done fun things with Rory. He's a nice enough guy, I know that…or at least I should. What if his feelings aren't genuine? What if he has eyes for someone else? What if I read his texts and I end up exaggerating something that's so innocent? Or worse, what if I get caught up like that? What if I do what you did, driving a knife through Rory's heart because I get unhappy, or my heart gets pulled in a different direction? Do I really want to make that mistake?

And what about everyone else? What if my friends are lying too? What if I get married down the road and my husband does what you did, just goes out and cheats and upends our lives because he wasn't happy? I don't want him to be unhappy, I don't want to be unloved the way Dad was with you.

Oh God, that was harsh.

This is just so frustrating. I'm so angry with you, but I'm angry with myself for being angry with you. I mean, you had your reasons, right? It wasn't like you just woke up and decided randomly you didn't love Dad anymore. You didn't intend to hurt him, you weren't trying to be malicious, and yet here we are, at a crossroads.

That's the thing I hate the most: you wrecked our relationship, you caused a massive rift and I should hate you for this. But I don't. Maybe it's because you're my mother, maybe it's because I'm trying so hard to excuse you and save myself from the anger I should be openly expressing, but I still love you.

I looked up to you. The great Portia Robinson: accomplished doctor, Chief of Internal Medicine at GH. You achieved so much and I always dreamed of being as great of a woman as you are. You were always my biggest supporter; you fought the hardest for my innocence when Esme put me through hell. You always put me first and I love you for that.

I still love you now.

I think I'll stay at the PCU dorms more for the foreseeable future. And when I can't stay there, I have Cam and Joss to seek shelter from. I just really don't feel comfortable going to the beach house right now, not when the lie is fresh and my anger is still potent. And I don't want to have a conversation where you won't just…own up to doing something wrong and I won't be able to keep myself calm.

Cheating is such a terrible thing to do. It hurts everyone involved. I had to watch Joss suffer through her parents' marriage falling apart. Why did that happen? Because of cheating. It was so ugly, and everything was a mess. The anger and agony and grief it gave her and her brother and her mom practically swallowed them whole, and her poor little sisters were caught in the middle. Sonny tore everything apart and things really haven't been the same since - it's so jarring. I remember telling myself that I NEVER want to be caught in something so emotionally devastating, and I was so grateful that of all the things I have to deal with, family drama wasn't one of them. Well, so much for that.

I told Dr. Collins that I wasn't able to put how I felt about all of this into words in front of him. Everything was still new and scathing. It still hurts now, but at least I was able to finally find what I wanted to say about it…even if you'll never read it. Maybe one day, I can find the time and strength to sit down with you and unpack everything, to tell you a lot of what I've said here, and we can move ahead with a new relationship because we both know we can't get back what we had before.

Lovers break your heart, friends let you down - that's just life - but the disappointment a parent's failure gives you is an extraordinary pain.