Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

Disclaimer: I have no medical knowledge whatsoever, unless you count having watched a few seasons of "Grey's Anatomy". I apologize if the part with Sheldon in the hospital isn't accurate.

Also I'd like to leave a small warning: While there is no more violence happening in this chapter, it deals with trauma that is caused by the events of the last chapter.

As It Is In Heaven
Chapter 19 – "The Scientist"

There was so much noise as he was carted out of the ambulance and into the hospital.

Paramedics shouting something at the doctors that were taking over. Machines beeping.

He did not hear all of it, as he was drifting in and out of consciousness.

At one time, someone, probably a doctor, was touching him. Trying to feel the extent of his injuries.

He hated the thought of a stranger touching him, but then again, he could hardly feel it anyway.

Little flashlights were pointed into his eyes. Disturbing the soothing darkness that had enveloped him.

Procedures were ordered.

Someone asked him questions. He could only groan in response.

He felt nothing but numb and dizzy.

More people. More rooms filled with neon light. But he hardly took notice of what was happening with him.

Then things got quiet again as he got carted into yet another room.

Someone pulled a mask over his face. And then...

Darkness...

When he blinked his eyes open again, most of the pain was gone. He was lying in a hospital room. No more hectic doctors around him making calls and asking questions.

Everything was so quiet and it took him a while to comprehend where he was and why.

So it hadn't been just a nightmare.

At first, he thought he was alone. But then he heard someone blow their nose next to him.

He turned his head carefully. Only now he noticed the bandage around his head.

He was surprised when he saw who was sitting on the chair next to his bed.

"Hello little brother.", his visitor said softly. "I hope you're not too disappointed it's only me."

"Georgie.", he croaked. His throat felt sore. He had trouble speaking.

"Just so you know, Amy and Missy really wanted to be here when you woke up. But I told them, you've worked so hard for this competition, and you would want them to go there for you and win. They've been calling to check on you every thirty minutes and they are on their way back from Houston right now."

"The… the competition?", he asked.

Right… the competition. Oh no. Had he missed it?

He checked his watch. It was already in the middle of the night.

"The competition is over.", he whispered. "I missed it. But… they did it?"

"Yeah.", Georgie nodded. "They had an emergency meeting in the morning after… it… happened. I suspected they were deciding not to go, and I was right. They all did not feel like doing it without you. But I crashed their meeting and gave them a pep talk like Dad used to give to the football team. I told them, no way in hell they weren't going. That I would drag them to Houston myself if I had to. I told them I would not let them let the work you put into it go to waste. So, bottom line, mom's watching the kids and everyone else went to Houston to sing."

Oh, thank God.

"Did anyone record them?", he asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. "Is there any way I could see them sing on that big stage?"

His brother laughed heartily.

"Oh, and here I was thinking the first thing you'd ask would be if they had won. Yes, Sheldon, Jared asked his boyfriend to record everything for you. I have it right here on my tablet."

Sheldon shook his head. He didn't care about winning at all. Even he knew that all of it, the choir going to Houston and Missy going with them was a symbol of something much more important than some price.

"I just want to see them.", he insisted.

His brother handed him his tablet and started a video. Sheldon's heart leaped in his chest as he saw all of them on stage.

Jared was conducting instead of him. And he was doing an excellent job. He must have been serious about taking music classes.

They all seemed nervous at first but with every song, their performance got stronger and when Missy and Amy took the stage together, he was convinced that the jury just had to notice this was not just an average local choir. These people, they were destined to sing together.

"So, tell me.", he demanded softly, without looking away from the screen. "Did they… win?"

"See for yourself, brother.", Georgie said and started another video.

Someone in a black suit was standing on that same stage, reading something from a list.

"And the winner of our annual 'Everybody Can Sing'-contest is… the Medford Church Choir, led by Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper."

Tears sprang to his eyes, as Amy went forward to accept the trophy in his place.

"I wish I wouldn't be the one accepting this.", she said into the camera, her voice filled with emotion. "I wish our conductor, Sheldon, could be here with us tonight. None of this would have been possible without him. The heroic, brave, wonderful man who – due to dire circumstances – is currently lying in a hospital bed, recovering from a horrible assault. Sheldon, thank you for everything. You mean more to me… to us… than I can ever tell you. We're going to LA in summer, can you believe it? And this time you'll be on stage with us."

The camera panned over the rest of the choir. They all cheered. One of them, probably Jeremy, shouted "Thank you Sheldon. Get well soon."

Sheldon's hands were shaking as he gave the tablet back to Georgie.

"You did really well, brother.", Georgie said softly, just as he was about to close his eyes again.

He was still so tired and watching these videos had already worn him out.

"I did.", he shrugged. "But so did the others. Their dedication to that choir is remarkable. And some of them have wonderful voices and a great talent for music."

Georgie sighed.

"I wasn't talking about the choir, Sheldon."

"Oh?"

"You were right from the start. And I am so ashamed for not believing you. I failed, Sheldon. You protected Missy the way I should have protected her. The way I should have protected you. I am sorry you had to do this by yourself. It must have been so hard. I wish I could go back and do things differently."

"Georgie…", Sheldon whispered.

"No, let me finish. Last night, when mom called to tell me what was going on with Missy, I broke down. I… I got into my car and drove around aimlessly for hours, rethinking all our lives. And then I went to the cemetery. That's why I was in the area when it happened. I sat at Dad's grave almost all night. He would be so ashamed of me right now. Especially if he knew…", he hesitated.

"Georgie, you don't have to…", he tried again.

"I always pretended I didn't know what Robbie was doing to you when we all were still in High School. Truth is, I did not want to get involved. I should have tried harder to protect you, but I did not want to put myself on the spot and I thought it was your own fault anyway because you were… well… the way you were. And when you suspected him to be harming Missy, I thought, that was just you trying to get rid of your former bully. I didn't even consider the other option, that Missy really could have been in danger. I did not listen to you. Because I resented you, Sheldon, and I didn't like that everything always revolved around you. I was mad at you for things you couldn't influence. I realize that now. And I am sorry."

He studied his brother for a while. He seemed sincere.

"It's alright.", he said simply. "It's all over now. Whatever you did or didn't do in the past, you saved my life today. We can forget about it, and you can just go back to resenting me."

Georgie shook his head.

"No, Sheldon. I don't want that. I want things to be different. We are both adults now. And while we might not have many things in common, I want us to try and be brothers. Real brothers. We could go out for drinks once in a while. Or maybe rather go bowling. You always liked bowling. Right?"

"Right.", Sheldon smiled.

He didn't know if he and Georgie would really be close in the future. He had never thought about the possibility. But he was too tired to think about it now, so he just agreed.

He fell asleep then and it was already morning when he woke up again. A new visitor was sitting at his bedside.

"Missy.", he whispered.

"Hey. Just so you know, Amy was here all night. I sent her home to get some sleep. We decided to take turns visiting you."

He nodded. Part of him wished Amy would have woken him up. And another part was afraid of seeing her after what had happened.

"Oh, Sheldon.", Missy said then, her voice heavy with tears. "I am so, so sorry for what happened. It's all my fault."

"No, it's not.", he interrupted her. "It wasn't you who did this."

"But I it happened because of me.", she went on. "I was so stupid to let Robbie into our lives."

"Missy. It's over now.", he repeated what he had said to Georgie before. "And we all are going to be okay. That is what matters."

A few doctors entered the room then. They were making rounds and finally, he learned about the extent of his injuries and about the procedures that had been performed on him.

The biggest relief was that – while he had suffered a concussion from the hits he had gotten to the head – the CT scans had come back and there would not be any permanent brain damage.

He would probably feel a little more tired for a while but he would still be a genius.

His right cheekbone was fractured, so was his nose, which explained the bandage around his face.

A few fingers were broken, probably because he had tried to shield his head. And so were several ribs but this would all heal with time.

He was glad to hear both his kidney could be saved during surgery, but the doctors had to remove his ruptured spleen as it had caused to much internal bleeding which had almost cost him his life.

"You scared us for a second, Dr. Cooper.", a friendly doctor told him then. "But everything is fine now. You will need a few weeks to recover, but then you will be able to go on with your life just like before."

If only he could believe that.

But over the next few days, he learned it wouldn't be that easy.

Even if he ignored the pain in his body – which was almost impossible whenever the pain meds started to wear off – the worst thing about it all were the nightmares he kept having.

Robbie lurking in the dark, waiting to finish what he had started.

Hiding behind the curtains. In the closet. Under his bed. In the shower.

Waiting for an opportunity to catch him alone.

Or worse. In Amy's house, ready to make good on his threats.

Violating her. Making her suffer.

Amy screaming for help. Screaming for him.

His mother's house set on fire. Everyone inside dead.

"It's your fault, Sheldon.", their ghosts seemed to scream at him. "You should have just stayed in California. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault."

He often woke up screaming.

But he was never alone when he woke up.

Amy and his family seemed to have worked out a schedule for watching over him. To sit with him and speak to him soothingly.

He hardly answered them, he still was so tired and had trouble focusing. But it was nice, being taken care of like that. Having them interrupt the dark thoughts in his mind.

His mother prayed by his bedside. His brother talked about his tire business. His sister told stories about her children and sometimes brought drawings his nephew had made for him. Mostly of trains.

Amy talked about the members of the choir. Told him how much everyone missed him. And when she was out of words, she sang to him instead.

But he just did not know how to handle the conflicting emotions that overcame him when he saw her.

One day, after his doctors gave their permission, a few police officers entered the room to take his statement.

His mother just happened to be there when they came. He hadn't wanted her to hear everything, but she insisted.

Sheldon had been concerned at first because he knew Robbie had friends among the local cops. But the officer that was taking his statement reassured him that they would not be able to help him this time.

Robbie was in jail. And he was being charged not just for assault and battery but for attempted murder in several cases as well as attempted arson. Apparently, the police had searched his car and found several canisters of gasoline as well as ropes, duct tape and multiple unregistered firearms.

His mother sobbed and turned white as a sheet when they heard that.

It was clear, Robbie had every intention of following through with his threats.

"What happens next?", Sheldon asked, when the policemen were finished telling them everything. "Do we have to worry about Robbie getting out somehow?"

An officer shook his head.

"Bail has already been denied. Robbie will stay in jail until his trial. With the evidence we have collected combined with the statements of you and the other witnesses, the chances of him walking free anytime soon are slim to none. Dr. Cooper, I am telling you this off the record. This wasn't Robbie's first felony. Most likely, he'll be in prison for a very long time. Possibly forever."

Sheldon breathed out relieved. It was the best news he had heard in a long time.

Once the officers left his room, his mother broke down crying.

She too apologized for not believing him and told him it was all her fault.

It was ironic. Everyone seemed to be determined to take the blame. But it did not change the things he dreamed about.

My fault. My fault. My fault.

After a few days, the dizziness in his head got better. He was awake for longer periods of time and little by little, his ability to concentrate came back too.

Amy kept visiting him every day. From the time she came home from work until his bedtime, she stayed with him.

Sometimes she brought cookies – from meemaw's recipe of course.

Sometimes she brought Yoo-Hoo.

And every day, she came with a thermos bottle filled with his favorite tea.

They still never talked about what had happened between them that night, but it was always on his mind.

The moment when he had decided to ask her out – it seemed like an eternity away.

He could still feel her on top of him, shaking with desire. Sleeping in his arms afterwards. It all had felt so right.

But the memory was tainted now by what had happened afterwards. It made him sick, the thought of Robbie threatening her.

Why didn't she run away when he had told her to? He knew why. Because she cared about him. Caring about him had almost gotten her killed.

And every day, as soon as she left and he went to sleep, he dreamed about her. But not in the pleasant way he had before.

The screams he heard from her in his dreams, they were deafening.

My fault. My fault. My fault.

And after a while, he did not just hear it in his dreams.

He tried so hard to feel happy when she was by his side. But the whole time, he felt a shadow looming over them.

She would sit at his bedside, and he would see her in two different states.

He saw the Amy he had fallen for, who he wanted to imagine his whole future with. The fierce yet gentle vixen who could make his heart sing just by smiling at him.

And he saw her lifeless, tortured body. Her life broken and destroyed because he had failed to protect her.

The overpowering guilt was making it impossible to enjoy her presence. To think about the things, he so badly wanted for their future.

No matter if she was telling him about the latest gossip from the choir. Or read to him from a science magazine. Or told him about a funny thing a kid at her school had done recently.

He always saw her suffering. Because of him.

It only got worse with every day that passed.

And then, one day before he was going to be discharged from the hospital, she came to visit him and he could see she was in an excellent mood.

"I have a suggestion to make.", she told Sheldon, and he could hear the excitement in her voice. "What would you say if, tomorrow, when I am coming to pick you up, I won't take you to your mother's house, but to my place instead?"

He was about to tell her yes. Her place was exactly where he wanted to be. Not just to recover. But always.

But he couldn't. He was speechless.

"Uhm…", he croaked.

"I know, I know, you wonder how your mother will take it. But I already talked to her about it. And she agrees, since your sister and her children are staying with her already, it would be good for you, if you could recover at a place that is a little quieter. So, she's okay with it as long as she can bring you heart-friendly food instead of us ordering take-out."

Oh, he could see it in his mind. Waking up everyday at Amy's place. In her bed. With her. Having her take care of him until his body was healed and then doing all the things with her that he wanted so badly. If only…

"And before you say anything, this has nothing to do with what happened between us.", she continued. "I know we haven't talked about it since… It's not like I am asking you to move in with me or whatever you might think. I just… want to take care of you. I can even sleep on the couch, if it makes you more comfortable."

Sheldon could feel his stomach churn.

'I don't want you to sleep on the couch. I want to wake up next to you. Every day. And I want you to ask me to move in. I want it all.'

Oh, he wanted to tell her this. So, so badly.

But there was this other part of him, that couldn't look at her anymore without feeling anguished because of what could have happened to her. Because of him.

"Why did you not run?", he finally whispered.

"Wh… what?", she asked. The energy she had exuded before seemed to vanish instantly.

"I told you to run.", he said a little louder. "I told you numerous times. I held Robbie down so you could run. I wanted to protect you. I wanted you safe in your own home. Why didn't you just run?"

He could feel tears prickling in his eyes.

"Sheldon.", she mumbled and looked down at the floor. "You know what would have happened, if I had run away. Robbie would have killed you instantly. I couldn't let that happen."

"It did not matter.", he said, trying hard not to shout. "If Georgie hadn't shown up, I wouldn't have made it out alive anyway. But you. How could you just risk your life like that, Amy? He… he would have done horrible things to you. And then he would have killed you too."

"I couldn't leave you.", she said softly, walking up closer to his bed. He could see tears in her eyes as well. "I knew what was going to happen to me. But I couldn't just let you die alone with only your biggest enemy with you in your last seconds. I made a decision. I couldn't have lived with myself, had I just left you. I… I just needed to stay with you, Sheldon. Can't you understand?"

He could. And at the same time, he could not.

My fault. My fault. My fault.

"Amy, I…", he shook his head. He had no idea what to say or how to explain what he was feeling. "I… don't think, recovering at your place would be a good idea. I'm sorry."

He could see her face fall.

"Oh.", she replied. "Okay…"

"Not because I don't want to.", he continued. "But I… I…"

"You can't look at me anymore without being reminded of the attack.", she whispered. It sounded so sad, it broke his heart.

He bit his lower lip. There was so much more to it. But how could he tell her that he kept seeing her dead. Beaten up. Violated. Murdered. Just because she wouldn't leave him.

"Yes.", he just answered and hung his head in shame. He never wanted to hurt her. It was his fault. All of this.

Robbie turned out to be right about one thing.

He regretted, ever leaving California. He just knew, Amy would be better off, had she never met him.

He could feel his hospital bed move a little, and then there she was, sitting beside him.

"Sheldon, do you…"

"I want you to know, my feelings for you have not changed.", he interrupted whatever she was going to ask him. He needed her to know this. "Not even a bit. All I want is to get over this and ask you out. Start a relationship with you. Move into your house if you want me to. Eventually, I want to… get to a place where we know each other well enough so I can put a ring on your finger and spend the rest of my life with you… I…", he couldn't speak anymore.

"Oh, Sheldon. I want that too. All of it.", she said softly. "I hate that you are hurting so much. And I want nothing more than to be the person who can help you through it. But if seeing me retraumatizes you, then maybe the best way for me to help you is by keeping my distance. At least for a while. Until this whole thing isn't so fresh anymore."

He nodded. Even if the thought of no longer getting to see her broke his heart into a thousand pieces.

But it was for the best. Especially for her.

"Can I hold you for a minute? Before I go? Please?", she asked. He could hear she was crying.

He couldn't answer her, all choked up with tears, so he just nodded vehemently. Yes, he wanted to be held.

Very carefully, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

It made him cry even harder.

"I am so sorry, Amy. I did everything wrong. Meeting me almost destroyed your life. And now I hurt you. I didn't want this to happen. None of it. I… I failed. Maybe you should just stay away for good. You're better off without me."

She held him tight, and he could hear her sob too.

"You never failed, Sheldon.", she whispered. "Nothing, really nothing about this was your fault. You're not thinking clearly right now. This is just you reacting to the trauma. And I will never give up on you. Never. Because having you in my life made everything so much better. Better than I could have ever dreamed of."

Oh, it hurt. It hurt so damn much.

"I can say the same about you. But… I can't… I just need…"

"You don't need to say it, Sheldon.", she helped him. "I understand. And even if it hurts, I will stay away until you feel ready to have me in your life again. If this is what you need to get better."

"It is what you need too, Amy.", he told her, but nevertheless put his arm around her and held her. "Even if you might not realize it yet. I… I am not good for you. I will just hurt you. It's inevitable. It's what I do."

My fault. My fault. My fault.

"I know you think that right now.", she said calmly. " But I know that at some point, your trauma will fade. And you will be able to see yourself the way I see you. You are good for me, Sheldon. So good. So, I will give you space. But I want you to know, I am not giving up. I am waiting for you, Sheldon. Because I just know, this is not the end of our story. I can feel it."

His lips quivered. Every fiber of him wanted to believe her. But it was hard.

The pain he felt in his body was nothing compared to the pain he felt in his soul.

"I hope you're right.", he whispered.

"Do you want me to leave right now?", she offered.

"No.", he said quickly. "Please. Can we just stay like this? Just for a moment?"

And they did. They stayed there wrapped around each other in his hospital bed, crying until both of them had no more tears left.

Grieving for what they could have right now, had it not been so brutally ripped out of their hands.

"Good-bye, Sheldon.", she said as she finally got up to leave. "If you feel like talking, even if it's just to a friend, please know, I'll be there. Anytime."

With that, she left.

Her absence was the most horrible thing he had ever felt. But he knew it was necessary. At least for a while.

"Good-bye, Amy.", he whispered.