I've been through a lot of things over the past few years, from mourning my actually-not-dead father to dealing with the likes of Cyrus Renault and Esme Prince. All of that definitely weighed on me, and I've tried to get back to some kind of normal after each event. I've worked through these things by myself, I've worked through these things with my loved ones. Currently, I go to Dr. Collins about it all, and make no mistake, I have an appointment already scheduled.
I broke up with Rory today. I don't think a breakup has ever been both easy and hard at the same time.
I knew that our relationship wasn't going to last; I've known that for a while. I kept putting it off for whatever reason, be it the thrill of secrecy or the dread of having to actually say the words, but it finally happened. Getting it all off my chest proved to be relaxing, and I was so glad to finally cut the cord. Unfortunately, Rory didn't see it the same way. I don't feel up to ruminating on the details, and frankly, I don't want to talk about it. At least, not now. Those thoughts will be given to Dr. Collins…that or I write something here. Whichever comes first.
Now is certainly not the time. There's too much to work through, too much to process, and I'd rather focus on the good of it all than waste my time dwelling on the bad.
What matters the most now is that I'm free. I'm out of a dead-end relationship with someone I didn't truly love, and I'm able to really pursue something with someone I actually do love. Granted, things have to remain under the radar for the time-being, and we can't go out and be a couple in the public eye, but it's better than nothing.
It's like a weight has been lifted, in a way. I don't want to call Rory dead weight, and I don't want to act like he was some kind of burden to overcome. We were an item, things happened, and we're now nothing. It was just…a phase. Okay, maybe "phase" isn't right either, but it'll come to me when I take the time to think everything over.
For now, I just want to think about what I have now, and what…who I have now is Spencer.
It's such a crazy thing to type: I have Spencer. I mean, I don't "have" him - I can't own a person (nor would I ever even want to). But I'm with him, and he's with me. It's all but public knowledge. Eventually, everyone will find out about it and that's one less thing to keep quiet, but it works for now.
It's a bit tantalizing, to be honest. Running around behind people's back and being with each other, doing the things we think are fun and not worrying about any unwanted opinions. I kind of get why "secret" romances are so thrilling, and while that thrill has been around in the last few weeks, it's really come into its own now. I mean, Spencer and I aren't hiding because we're doomed to die, or because our relationship will cause catastrophe. I don't think it even counts as "hiding" in that sense. We're just…being really selective about who knows.
Cameron knows, Ava knows, Britt knows, Alexis knows, Kristina (and Dex by extension) knows. We trust them, so we told them. The rest of the people in our lives will be clued in when we feel it's appropriate. Might take a few more weeks though…
I don't think I've felt this excited or fraught with anticipation…ever! It's like I'm standing on the beach, my feet being kissed by the tide. Slowly but surely, I'm making my way into the ocean, waiting for the beautiful blue to take me under. I'm getting there, and I'm taking my time with it.
I'm glad Spencer respects that.
It's hard to put exactly how I'm feeling into words. There's the thrill, the excitement, it's all just so overwhelming (but in a good way)! It's the kind of thing you want to get sucked into and never leave: a never-ending dream. I feel so lucky to be with someone who is as lovely as he is flawed, someone who feels truly human, and is able to do his best to right his wrongs. It sounds cheesy and cheap, but I feel so special that someone like Spencer is openly willing to be and do all that for me. God, I feel so giddy!
And it's Spencer! There's so many layers to that! Yes, there's the surface-level information (being a prince, being rich, etc) and that's nice and all, but I don't really care that much. It's part of Spencer, but it's not Spencer. All the power and money in the world mean nothing if the person who has it isn't someone who truly deserves it.
Everything underneath is what matters to me. His earnestness, his fierce love for his family and friends, his eye for good art, and yes, even his suaveness. I feel silly calling it that, but what else is there to say? I also like that his suaveness is selective, where it's not given to everyone, or at least every girl, just to the people he puts his love and effort into. It's really charming!
The rush of adrenaline feels so refreshing! I'm like a schoolgirl whose crush checked "Yes" on a "Do you like me?" note. I want to jump around, to scream out of joy. I want to just…doodle in my sketchbook: little hearts and stars around our names that go beyond the dream of it being a reality. It is a reality, public or not. I'm bursting at the seams with happiness and relief and triumph and I never want it to end. I doubt it will.
Reading everything back, I realize how a lot of what I wrote is word salad: piles of nonsense only I can decipher. But honestly, it's for my eyes only, so what does it matter? I'll be as all-over-the-place as I want to be. I've certainly earned that right.