And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you, soon, I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

As It Is In Heaven
Chapter 21 – "And So It Goes"

Sheldon felt like he was being hit in the chest with a sledgehammer.

He could only stare, as the car with Amy on board drove away.

Destination unknown. Maybe a bar or a movie theatre.

She had looked so pretty, all dressed up for the night.

The smile she had gifted that man. Oh, it hurt. This was supposed to be his smile.

After that, he was unable to eat.

What was the point really, celebrating Robbie being locked away forever, when Amy wouldn't be here to celebrate with him?

He couldn't believe he had lost her. Possibly forever.

Under his mother's knowing glance, he excused himself to his room where he lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

After a while, Missy knocked at the door, but he told her to leave him alone.

This was what he had wanted, right?

She was moving on from him. She was living her life and trying to be happy.

She would return to her old habits and date again. And maybe someday soon, she would meet a man who would be worth the third date. Or maybe she had already met him.

She would go out dancing with him and laugh with him and make him feel special and wanted and oh, so good about himself.

And then she would let him take her home and worship her body. She would let him do that time and time again, and someday, maybe weeks, maybe months from now, he, Sheldon, would be nothing but a faint memory.

The man who hurt her.

She would be happy to be rid of him and all his baggage.

Tears sprang to his eyes as he imagined it.

It was what he had wanted, he kept telling himself.

And maybe, her moving on was a chance to become her friend again. If she was happy with another man, then there would be no risk of her falling for him. He would no longer be at risk of hurting her again.

Yes, he told himself. This was good. They could just return to being friends. Maybe not as close as before, but God, he missed her. He would take any opportunity, as reduced as it may be, just to be able to talk to her again.

There was another knock at his door, but this time, his pleas to be left alone were ignored.

"Hey, little brother."

"What do you want, Georgie?", he said flatly.

"Well, you just got your heart broken.", his brother stated. "So, I brought you this."

Only now did Sheldon see two cans of beer in Georgie's hands.

"I don't drink.", he mumbled.

"I know.", Georgie nodded. "But this is a social convention. You get your heart broken. You get a drink with your friend. Or your brother in this case."

Well, if it was a social convention then there really was no choice, was there?

Georgie didn't talk much, for which Sheldon was grateful. They just sat there in silence, as Sheldon sipped twice on his beer, scrunched up his nose and put it on his nightstand.

"You could still stop this, you know that, Sheldon, right?", Georgie said after a while.

He just shrugged.

"I wanted her to move on.", he said stoically. "So, this is a good thing. I hope she'll be really happy. She deserves it."

He meant it. Or at least he tried to.

"Sheldon.", Georgie said seriously. "You know that's not what you want. And it isn't what she really wants either."

Maybe it wasn't. Or maybe it was. Sheldon didn't know what to think anymore.

"If you don't mind, Georgie, I really do not wish to talk about this anymore."

"Fine.", Georgie sighed. "I'll leave you alone now. But I'll be here for a while, if you need to have a talk man to man."

With that he left. Sheldon tossed and turned on his bed.

It was too early to go to sleep. But he did not want to leave his room and talk to his family.

He did not feel like working on his equations either. And even less like working on music.

And then he remembered something. Something he had not been ready to do for a long time.

But somehow, he knew, now was the right time.

Meemaw's letter.

With shaking fingers, he opened the drawer to his nightstand and got it out.

He knew, he should have read it a long time ago. And now, he was ready for it.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the envelope to find not only one, but two letters.

One covered her concerns about Missy's situation. There were instructions on what to do with the rent money and information about the savings account.

He wished he had read that one months ago, but he was a little proud of himself for figuring all of it out on his own – well almost on his own… Amy had helped too of course.

And then there was one letter that was only for him.

He took a deep breath, before he lay down on his bed and started reading.

My dearest moonpie,

So, this is it. I am about to take the last journey of my life. And I don't know where it will lead. But I do know, I am ready to go. This life that I got to live, it was the best I could have hoped for. It was full of love. I had a family and many wonderful friends. Beautiful grandchildren. Especially you, my sweet boy. Oh, my moonpie. It pains me to know that you will be grieving for me. I know you will. I know how hard it is for you, losing someone you love. You and I, we always had this special bond. But I hope that, even while you're grieving, you will find comfort and peace, knowing that until my last day, you have been my favorite person in the world, and I have always loved you so very much. Sheldon, as I am dying, you are battling serious health issues. Please, my boy, take good care of yourself. You are not done living this life. There is still so much for you to explore. It is not your time yet. Not for a long time. Even if you can't see that right now, there are still people who need you. And even if I am going to miss you in the afterlife, I hope it will be many decades until you and I will be together again.

By now, you must have met Amy and you are probably wondering, why I never told you about her when she has been such a big part of my life for the last two years. Believe me, I have been looking forward to introducing you two for a long time. Oh, Sheldon, how wish I could have been there, the day you met her. She's so precious. She really brought back the light into my life these past two years. And in a way, it was like having a part of you back. Call me delusional, but I have a feeling, the two of you could become very important to each other. If you let her in, that is. I know you've been miserable for a long time. That is why I could not tell you about her. If I had told you about how much she reminded me of you, you would have thought I was replacing you. You would have resented her for being my friend when at the same time you felt as if everyone in your life had abandoned you. No, I needed you to come here and see for yourself, how special she is. Maybe almost as special as you.

Sheldon stopped right there for a moment.

Finally, he knew the answer to the question he had been asking himself for so long.

He realized, his meemaw had been right. Just like always. It was true. He had resented Amy just because of the way his mother had talked about her, all this time ago in the hospital after meemaw had died.

It would have been even worse, had he heard these praises about Amy from meemaw herself.

Full of remorse, he thought about all the occasions when he could have visited his family during those two years. He could have fulfilled meemaw's wish and met Amy while she was still alive. And he could have seen those two women together.

He sighed deeply, before he kept on reading.

Now that I am dying, I fear that grieving for me might make you want to isolate yourself even more than you already have. Oh, moonpie, I know I have told you this over the phone many times, but I will try once more and hope you will finally believe me. You friends have not abandoned you. They still love you. Their lives have changed and maybe your friendship had to change as well, but knowing what you have told me about them in the past, they will welcome you back into their lives with open arms if you just talked to them. And I think, if you are honest with yourself, you already know that. You need them, Sheldon. And I think they need you too.

For the same reason, I also fear that my death could hold you back from giving Amy a chance to befriend you. I know, this might sound strange to you, Sheldon, but please let this be the last advice you'll ever get from me. Give her a chance. Spend time with her. I have a feeling she could change your life, just as you could change hers. You've been alone for too long, and so has she. I won't tell you in this letter, what my hopes are for your future. You would just roll your eyes. I know you think you are destined to be alone forever. But oh, darling, no matter what you think of yourself, I know you deserve to be happy. Yes, you are complicated, just like your pop-pop. But you are also honest and honorable. Kind and gentle. And you have so much more to give than you realize. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.

If you have opened the box, you saw that I am leaving you my ring. I do have a feeling that, if I am right about certain things, you might find it useful in the near future. If you don't need it after all, you can pass it down to one of your siblings' kids one day, but in my heart, I hope this will not be the case.

Oh, my dear moonpie, there is so much I want to tell you. So much more advice. So many words to give you comfort. But I have to believe, the things I told you all your life will be enough. I have faith in you, Sheldon. Please have faith in yourself. You are worth it.

I will be reuniting with your pop-pop soon, and I he will be thrilled to hear what a fine man you've become.

I love you, my darling. Please, be happy.

Meemaw

Tears had started running down his face the second he had started to read the first sentence and when he reached the end of the letter, he was sobbing.

Oh, meemaw. She always knew exactly what he needed to hear. Even on her deathbed.

Please have faith in yourself.

"I am trying, meemaw.", he whispered. "But it's not easy. Not when I keep messing up everything."

He read the letter again. And after that a third time.

And finally, he knew he had to do something. Anything really. He couldn't lose Amy. He couldn't just let this happen, without at least trying.

A few minutes later, he found himself across the street.

He didn't know exactly why.

Amy was not here. And even if she were, they were not on speaking terms right now.

But for some reason, he needed to be here. It was his meemaw's house after all. And technically, it still belonged to him.

Yes, if someone were to question him, that's what he would be saying. He missed meemaw and wanted to spend time on her porch.

He checked his watch. It was getting late. What was Amy doing for so long?

She wouldn't be spending the night at this guy's place, would she?

His blood ran cold at that thought. No, he tried to convince himself. No, she would not. She simply could not have moved on already. It was too horrible to even think about it.

But he knew, even if she did, it wasn't his business what she was doing. For now, he had forfeited the right to know who she was going out or sleeping with, he knew that.

Still, when he saw a car pulling up again, he felt a twinge of relief.

He quickly crouched down as far away from the door as possible, so they wouldn't see him.

This was a mistake, he realized. A horrible idea.

Maybe they wouldn't notice him. Maybe, after they said their good-byes, he could just sneak back home and hopefully talk to Amy tomorrow.

He heard the car doors open.

The man walked Amy from the car to her door. They were still chatting and smiling at each other, and they did not notice him, as they came closer.

That must mean, the date went well, he pondered, not knowing how to feel about it.

He tried to be happy for her. But all he could think of was that it should be him there next to her.

"Thank you for driving me home. Tonight was exactly what I needed.", he heard Amy say. She was using her happy voice. "My car will be ready tomorrow, so I can drive myself next time."

Oh no. There was going to be a next time?

"Don't worry about it, Amy.", the man told her in a deep voice. "You know my life wouldn't be the same without you. Picking you up and driving you home is the least I can do."

Sheldon's eyes widened. What was going on here?

"Oh, Greg, I haven't done anything.", she brushed him off.

Greg? He had heard that name before. But in what context? His eidetic memory was letting him down. But how could he think clearly, when a strange man was saying such intimate things to Amy?

"Well, I'll better get going.", mystery-Greg told Amy.

Oh, no. She was smiling at him.

She was walking a step towards the man.

He knew what that meant She was about to…

"No, please don't.", he shouted before he could stop himself.

Both faces turned to him. They looked confused for a second.

"Excuse me, who are you?", the strange man asked him as he stepped out of his hiding place.

"Sheldon, what are you doing here?", Amy asked him softly.

"That's Sheldon?", the man asked, turning to Amy.

"I am.", Sheldon answered for her. "And I am sorry to interrupt you two. Amy, I am so sorry for just showing up here. And for more things than I can tell you. Just… please don't kiss him. Not tonight. Or ever. Please."

Amy was still blinking at him in shock, but the guy's expression turned from confused to amused.

"For a man who was beaten to a pulp just months ago, you're taking a pretty big risk, showing up at a woman's front door and telling a man not to kiss her. You've got guts, Sheldon, I like that."

Sheldon studied the tall man's face. Was that supposed to be a threat?

"Greg, you're not funny.", Amy spoke up, although, he couldn't place the look she was giving him as she said it.

"I'm sorry.", the man said, and walked towards Sheldon who, for a second, wasn't sure what kind of social situation this would turn out to be.

But the man just extended his hand and Sheldon, still puzzled, shook it without so much as thinking about it.

"I have heard so much about you and I am really glad to finally meet you, Sheldon.", he said in a friendly voice. "I am Greg. Jared's fiancé."

Right. Finally, Sheldon's brain seemed to work again. Jared had told him about getting engaged a few weeks ago.

"Oh!", he exclaimed. "You're Greg. I am so sorry for assuming… Oh dear. Now I feel stupid."

Greg laughed. "Well, if what Jared told me about you is the truth, then you of all people should never feel stupid. I can understand why you thought this was a different kind of situation."

"Still…", he mumbled. "I am sorry."

He looked at Amy, who was still staring at him incredulously.

"Greg and Jared moved in together this week.", she explained tonelessly. "They invited me to celebrate the occasion and… my car is in the shop, so Greg was nice enough to pick me up."

She did not look too happy to see him. And who could blame her really.

"I am so sorry.", he repeated. "Maybe… maybe I should just leave now."

"No.", Greg insisted. "No, I am the one who's leaving. I still have a few boxes to unpack and Jared's waiting at home, so… I'll leave you two alone to… catch up. Bye, Sheldon. Amy."

With that, he patted Amy's shoulder before he went back to the car. She waved at him weakly, before he drove away.

Sheldon breathed out relieved, but when he saw the expression on Amy's face, his relief turned into worry.

"Amy…", he said softly and took a step towards her.

She took one deep breath and shook her head before turning to him.

"What the hell was that, Sheldon?", she asked seemingly trying to stay calm.

"I just…", he shrugged. "I couldn't stand the thought of you with another man. I know, I overstepped. And I am sorry."

She huffed.

"I don't understand how you could think I'd be going on a date with another man. I… I told you, I'd wait for you, Sheldon, remember? How could you think I would just move on without even telling you first? You should know me better than that."

He could see the disappointment in her eyes now as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and glared at him.

"I know.", he said in a small voice. This was not how he had pictured their first real talk to go. "I just… saw him pick you up. You looked so happy to see him. And… I panicked. I have no excuse."

He could see her shake her head slightly, before she bit her lip and looked back at him. She looked so hurt.

"Of course I was happy.", she exclaimed. "I had just heard about Robbie's sentencing."

"Oh."

He did not know what else to say, especially when she kept looking at him in a way that made him feel uneasy.

"So, that is what made you finally come to talk to me? Jealousy? Because you thought I was moving on? Wow, had I known that sooner, I would have arranged a fake date weeks ago."

"Amy…", he whispered, but she wasn't finished.

"Three months, Sheldon.", she exclaimed. "I know we agreed to keep our distance, but nothing? For three months? And then you show up here because you fear I could be kissing someone else? I don't know what I did to deserve this."

Tears were glistening in her eyes, and he could feel his eyes getting watery too.

"Nothing.", he whispered. "You did nothing wrong. You were nothing but perfect. I was just so scared. Of putting you in danger again. Of hurting you. And… of not being the man you deserve. But Amy, you were all I could think of these three months. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too.", she whispered. "So much, Sheldon. You have no idea. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I really wanted to call you, or come see you but… I knew this had to be your decision. I just didn't expect you to shut me out for so long."

"Amy, I'm sorry…", he tried again to apologize.

"Stop apologizing already, Sheldon.", she shouted. "God. I get that what happened to you three months ago was traumatizing. I really do. But… I don't know how to handle this. You show up here, after three months, begging me not to kiss another man. You tell me you missed me. What do you want from me, Sheldon? Why exactly are you here?"

"I… I just… want to talk to you, Amy. I know I hurt you… again. And I hope you can forgive me. I hope, we can find a way to get over this and… get back to where we were."

"Sheldon…", she sighed. Uh, oh. This was a bad sign. If only he taken the time to plan what he was going to say to her. He was not doing good at this.

"Please.", he whispered. "Please tell me you can forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive.", she said, her voice brimming with tears. "I am not mad at you, Sheldon. But… you need to understand, how hard this was for me. Three months ago, we shared this beautiful night. And I know what happened afterwards was horrible. But…", she sighed. "Look, I wish we could just pick up where we've left off. But I am scared. You came here because you were jealous. You did not think it through. And I fear that maybe, if you did, you would realize that you don't really want this after all."

"Of course I want this.", he protested.

"You said it yourself, Sheldon. You never wanted to even kiss a woman. You never even wanted to date. So why would it be different now?"

He shook his head in exasperation.

"Because it is different, Amy. And you know it. I told you. You make all the difference to me."

She turned away from him, as she kept talking. Apparently, it was too hard to look at him.

"I want to believe you, Sheldon. But it's not easy. And… I told you before. You do not owe me anything. If you are still scared… if it is too much for you… I get it."

Oh no. He had feared that. There she was again, doubting his feelings for her. And he had only himself to blame.

He knew, this was possibly one of the most important moments in his life. He couldn't just leave it like this.

But what were his options?

Beg her to just trust him? He hadn't really given her much reason to. Try to convince her how much he wanted all of this? But what if she would never believe him?

And then, an idea sprang to his mind. A risky one. But maybe, if he would play this right…

"Three dates.", he blurted out.

She slowly turned around to him again.

"I'm sorry what?"

"You keep saying I don't owe you anything. But I do. Like you said, we shared a beautiful night. To be more specific, we engaged in sexual intercourse. You know the rules. You even pointed them out. So… I owe you three dates."

She chuckled dryly.

"Are you serious?"

"I am.", he nodded firmly, excited about the fact that his genius brain had found this technicality. "I got to enjoy the goods, so I should at least take you out. Three times. I owe you this. I don't enjoy being in anyone's debt, Amy."

She shook her head disbelievingly.

"If you just want to take me out because you feel you owe it to me… I'll relieve you of your debt, Sheldon. Consider it paid."

What? No!

That stubbornness. It was infuriating.

"Uhm… technically, you owe them to me too.", he argued, grasping for straws. "You got to enjoy my body. And you told me you liked it. So, I demand you spend three dates with me."

"Sheldon, have you lost your mind?", she asked. Softly this time.

Yes. He most definitely had.

"I have not.", he insisted nonetheless. "Please, Amy. Let's just do this."

"Oh, Sheldon.", she sighed. "You know I want to. It's just… you show up here out of the blue, after I've almost convinced myself that... I don't know if I can just open my heart to you again right now."

"Then let's find out.", he insisted. "Let's go on three dates and afterwards, we'll know more."

She was chewing on her bottom lip.

"I'll think about it.", she whispered at last.

He nodded. "Thank you."

It wasn't the outcome he had hoped for. But maybe this was the best thing he could hope for tonight.

"Good-bye, Sheldon.", she said softly, but the way she was looking at him, he really didn't want to leave yet.

Maybe it was the two sips of beer he had before, but he just had to do this.

"Hold on.", he said and stepped closer to her.

"What are you doing?", she asked him and took a step backwards.

"You were on a date tonight, Amy.", he said sternly. "And if you go on a date, you get a kiss at the end of the night."

He stepped towards her, took a hold of her shoulder and breathed in deeply.

"Technically, I was not on a date.", she protested weakly.

Good Lord, why did she have to make so much sense?

"But I thought you were, so it counts.", he argued. "If you could just hold still for a second..."

"I wasn't even out with you.", she said defiantly. "So why should you be the one kissing me?"

There was a spark in her eyes. Oh, he knew he almost had her.

"Be that as it may, I am the only man available right now.", he argued. "I don't make the rules, Amy. But I will make sure they are followed."

With that, he cupped her face and raised her chin. He waited then. If she really did not want this, he would not force it on her. He had to make sure, she wanted it too.

"Amy?", he whispered.

And then, after she hesitated for a second, he saw her close her eyes and purse her lips.

He released a shuddering breath, before he pressed his lips to hers firmly.

As soon as they made contact, he could feel electricity buzzing through him.

Oh, dear Lord, how could he have gone three months without feeling her soft lips on his?

Amy's demeanor shifted too. Her resistance seemed to crumble.

She released a big sigh, before she wrapped both arms around his neck and pressed her body to his.

He had only planned on giving her one short, sweet peck on the lips. But she seemed to have other plans.

Oh yes, this was it.

The taste of her lips moving over his gently. The tingling feeling in his stomach. At least for this moment, everything seemed to be right.

His hands wandered to her lower back, pulling her to him even closer.

This woman. He still couldn't believe the things she made him feel. But he never wanted this to stop.

He wanted so much more. He wanted to devour her. He wanted to lose himself in her. But he knew, he had to stop now.

Even if she would agree to go on these dates, he knew there was a lot of work ahead of them. There would have to be a serious talk. And a lot of rebuilding of what they used to have, before anything further could happen between them.

So, he pulled away reluctantly.

He could see her put her hand on her mouth as she stared at him, her eyes filling with even more tears.

"Amy…", said, desperate to fill the silence.

"I could have gone inside and slammed the door in your face for thinking I would just date someone else.", she breathed out.

"You could have.", he agreed. "And I would have deserved it."

She swallowed and put her hands on his shoulder again. This was a good sign, right?

"I could…", she sobbed. "I could just send you away now. Make you wait for three months. Make you see what that feels like."

"I would miss you terribly.", he nodded. "But I would deserve that too."

He had barely finished the sentence when her lips were on his again. They tasted salty of tears and they moved over his almost desperately.

She pulled back after a few seconds and stared at him again. He could see, how conflicted she was about this.

And suddenly, he knew exactly what to say.

"Amy...", he whispered, still holding her close by her hips. "I want to take you out on three dates, not because you owe me, or I owe you. I know, right now, you don't have much trust in us, and I understand that. I messed up. I know it will take work to get back to where we were, and I am ready to do the work. Whatever it takes. But right now, I want to take you out. I want to celebrate the fact that Robbie is locked away for good. I want us to have a good time together and leave this nightmare behind. If you want to make me wait for three months or even longer, fine, I will wait. I am not going anywhere."

She swallowed deeply and closed her eyes for a second before she spoke.

"Thursday, 7 pm.", he heard her whisper, and he could barely believe his luck. "You can pick me up here."

A huge smile spread across his face and his heart started beating faster.

"Does that mean you're saying yes to the three dates?"

She shook her head and grinned at him cheekily.

"I am saying yes to one date, Sheldon. You can pick me up, we can go do something fun, and then you can kiss me good night. Play your cards right and we can talk about a second date."

Vixen.

"I can work with that.", he nodded, his heart feeling several pounds lighter than it had before.

"Good."

Finally, she was smiling at him again, and something that had been wrong before was right again.

She stood on her tip-toes then and kissed his lips once more.

"Good-night, Sheldon."