I think it's time to talk about it.

It's been a long time since we broke up, going our separate ways after a spectacularly volatile split. The rookie cop who comforted the scared teenager in the interrogation room after her life was upended disappeared that day, and I got to see a side of you that was not only unexpected, but a side I hope no other woman, no other person, sees themselves. I made a point to not speak with you since then, and I don't plan on breaking that promise anytime soon. This is a distance I need to maintain, for both of our sakes.

Truthfully, it's been a little while since I've thought about us. I made a point to tell myself and Dr. Collins that, one day, I would finally process everything about us. One day, I'll be able to sit down and just talk about us without any of the heightened emotions. Today is that day.

Everything about us was ugly.

On the surface, it seemed fine enough. You were nothing short of pleasant, a real gentleman to me while I was thrust into something life-changing. That behavior didn't stop during the trial, nor did it stop afterwards. You were my first "adult" relationship, and that means something, you know? My first boyfriend as an adult woman, and I scored the jackpot with a guy who's kind and gentle and has a decent job. It's not every day that someone gets that lucky.

In a way, I was high off of the supply. I was with someone that wasn't playing hard-to-get and wasn't at the whims of his demonic girlfriend. I had someone that liked me for me, that wanted me, and wanted to be with me and show it off. It was all so…euphoric starting out, and for the briefest of moments, I wondered if you were "it" for me.

You weren't.

When people look back on us, on Trina and Rory, they'd probably wonder how something that started out so sweet could turn so sour. And I get that - I wonder the same thing. I know what I did in the relationship: I was with a man that I was infatuated with, and I stopped being with that man because I accepted the fact that I wanted something he really couldn't give me…but that another man could. I own that, I own how I behaved while with you. I regret how I treated you, and I regret how I caused you to feel so heartbroken and hurt.

Maybe, in a way, your reaction to our breakup was correct, maybe it was deserved, but I still can't help but feel this unease when I think about what was said.

You were mad, you were heartbroken, and you rightfully chewed me out for not being honest with you and resorting to sneaking around behind your back. All of that was valid (and it still is). What wasn't valid was everything after it: you lamented how I was so "mature" for my age, questioned how you could deserve "this" when you're such a nice guy, and that's what I can remember off the top of my head. Maybe the rest of it is repressed, I don't know.

Those rose-colored glasses shattered immediately. I'm so lucky you told me to leave instead of escalating things further.

When I look back at our text messages, or at that email I wrote about you, I can't help but cringe. I cringe at the way I used to feel towards you, how I fell so deep into this schoolgirl fantasy that you were "it" and that my first adult relationship wasn't this messy cesspool of naïvety and angst. I cringe at what could've been if things were somehow different: what if I did end up truly falling for you? What if the words you said were never spoken? What if we ended up being "it" for each other? I cringe at the regret I feel; I'm meant to feel it but I hate that the person I feel it towards proved to be someone who likely doesn't really deserve it. It all just makes my insides curl up.

What also makes my insides curl is how you didn't think you deserved getting heartbroken because you're such a "nice guy."

I've seen so many posts on the Internet about guys like you: the guys who go out of their way to be perfect and gentlemanly with the express purpose of getting laid. You're like a more "subtle" alpha male, and all you get out of your exploits is what you deserve. I deserved getting called out for going behind your back, and as petty as this sounds, you actually kind of deserve the heartbreak for feeling entitled to sex from me. You were owed my loyalty since we were an item, but that was *all* I ever owed you. Why feel all this guilt and shame over what I did when it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. I hope that the next girl unlucky enough to get caught up with you is able to get out faster than I did.

And then there was your comment about "maturity," and honestly, I'm not sure which comment is worse.

Maturity is so…subjective? Overvalued? There's so much weight put on it, and the more mature you are, the more appeal you have to people. I "matured" at 16, when I went through a number of events that never should've happened. I didn't ask to mature faster than my friends or classmates, I just wanted to be 16. I wanted to be reckless and insecure and a know-it-all; the average teen gets to be all those things. I wanted to be 19: lost and confused and trying practically everything I could so I could find my place in the universe. I didn't get to be either, and I can't help but mourn the coming-of-age that I was completely stripped of.

I didn't intend to emotionally age super fast, and I certainly didn't intend to charm "older people" with it. We may be a few years apart, but we practically exist on different planets. Adulthood for you is late nights at work and being able to drink and having mundane yet tedious responsibilities like taxes and hills. Adulthood for me is parties and growing into my own skin and a lot of exploring. I'm not on your level, even with my "maturity," and it's not my fault that your lofty expectations were destroyed. As "mature" as I am, I'm still quite young and I wish I had even a little bit of grace for that.

But you're you, and it's better if I just cut my losses and create as much distance as possible. I'll always look upon our early goings as blissful and charming, and maybe one day, you'll turn into that sweet gentleman I met and stay that way. I learned a lot from you, and those lessons will stay with me until the day I die. I'm in a good place now with good people, and I'll make sure it stays that way for as long as I walk the Earth.

A/N: Sorry for this being a day late - I got a new job and I was a bit under the weather. But it's here now - the final email! Just one more chapter to go! I know there's some bonus tracks coming out on the 17th, and while they won't get emails, they may show up in the epilogue itself. We'll see! ;)