Only one chapter left after this one. I am sorry to tell you that there will be no interaction between Sheldon and Amy in this one and it also ends on a little cliffhanger. Not a bad one though (it was way worse in my first draft). I have written more about this in the notes at the end of the chapter. Those also contain a huge spoiler about the ending of the movie this is inspired by, so if you plan to watch it, proceed with caution.
Also, while the title/lyrics for this chapter refers to a man, it is meant to fit both Sheldon and Amy's feelings in this chapter.
Tell me: what kind of man would I be
Living a life without any meaning?
And I know you could surely survive without me
But if I had to live without you
Tell me what kind of man would I be?
As It Is In Heaven
Chapter 31 – "What Kind Of Man Would I Be"
Even after walking the whole way to Leonard and Penny's house, Sheldon's head was still spinning when he arrived at the driveway.
How did this happen?
Less than twenty-four hours ago, he was the happiest he could have ever imagined to be. He was living with the love of his life and looking towards a bright future with her.
And now… everything was uncertain again. His heart full of fear of losing the most important person in his life.
No. He could not lose her. Not Amy. He couldn't even think about it.
His mind was running in circles. No matter how much he tried, he was unable to come up with a solution to their dilemma.
He did not want to have a long distance relationship with Amy. He wanted to be with her every day for the rest of his life.
At the same time, he really wanted to have his friends back in his life. He wanted to work in his office, eat in the cafeteria, visit the comic book store and do all the other things he used to do.
But also – and that occurred to him only after his talk with Amy last night – he realized, it would be incredibly hard, no longer getting to see his sister and her children. No longer living in meemaw's house. He would miss the life he had built the past year. Hell, he would even miss Georgie a little.
He cursed himself. How could he not have thought about these things before? He hadn't really thought about anything other than how to get Amy to Pasadena.
Sighing, he looked at the front door of the house where his best friend lived now.
He had always refused to come here even during those two years when he was still living in California.
It looked nice. Not as big as Howard's childhood home but big enough for the little family of four. There was a little playhouse in the yard next to a swing set and a slide.
He could picture Leonard and Penny sitting here outside, watching their children play. Maybe Halley and Michael too with Howard and Bernadette coming over to hang out.
It pained him to think that he might be coming over too soon, on a regular basis. But alone. Missing Amy who would be living hours away from him.
His heart was stumbling in his chest, and he had to stand still for a second. Oh, if only he knew what to do.
"Hey, Sheldon!", he was greeted by Leonard who had an infant on his arm and a toddler by his hand. "We were just about to go outside and play. Do you want some lemonade? Or Iced Tea?"
Sheldon nodded and watched as the small boy climbed on the slide while Leonard put a blanket on the grass and sat his little daughter on it.
"Lemonade would be nice."
"Alright. I'll be back out in a second. Could you watch Becky? If she gets fussy just put her into the baby swing. She loves that."
Sheldon had watched his sister's kids once in a while in Texas so it wasn't that unfamiliar to him and if it weren't for the pain in his heart, he would have probably even enjoyed this peaceful morning.
"So, you sounded upset, when you called earlier. What's happened?", Leonard asked as he handed Sheldon the beverage.
Sheldon sighed. He had tried to sort through his feelings and thoughts, but to no avail. So, the glass shaking in his trembling hands, he told Leonard everything.
Dr. Gunderson. The Biology department. Kripke. His disagreement with Amy. Their talk this morning. And everything that had been on his mind since then.
"Wow…", Leonard finally breathed out. "You really like this woman, don't you?"
"Like her?", he scoffed. "I love her, Leonard. I love her so much. I cannot imagine my life without her. You've known me since forever. How often have I wanted a woman to become my girlfriend? Like her… I cannot believe you."
Leonard chuckled dryly.
"I am sorry, Sheldon. But you have to admit. You being in love with a woman… it's almost like falling into a different dimension. Of all the things I expected of you, believe me, this one would have never crossed my mind. Not in a thousand years."
"Me neither.", Sheldon shrugged. "But it happened and… now I cannot picture my life without her anymore."
"Sheldon, I don't know what advice to give you here.", he said seriously.
Sheldon's shoulders slumped. "None at all?", he asked.
Leonard shook his head.
"Ultimately, you'll need to figure out what you want your life to look like. If Amy's not ready to come here with you, then you need to decide what's worse. Being here without her or not being here but somewhere else with Amy."
"I know.", he said gravely. "So, I'll either end up lonely with my girlfriend living hours away or without the job I've worked for all my life."
Leonard raised his eyebrows. "It's not that simple, Sheldon. You know Pasadena is not the only place you can be a physicist. There are other universities. Just like there are other women in the world."
Sheldon's eyes shot to Leonard. Was he out of his mind?
"How can you even say that?", Sheldon protested. "Have you not seen what Amy and I have? I could never replace her. There is no other woman for me. And I do not want there to be one. I only want Amy."
Other women. That thought alone was ridiculous.
A grin spread on Leonard's face. "You know it's funny that this is your reaction. You don't seem to feel that strongly about Pasadena… or CalTech."
"What?", Sheldon exclaimed. "But… but. That's not… that's… Wait. Did you just trick me?"
Leonard grinned. "A little bit, yeah."
He shook his head in disbelieve. How was Leonard able to fool him all of a sudden.
"Well, it worked.", he mumbled. "But… I just wish things were different. I wish Amy would consider moving here with me. I wish I could have it all. Coming back to Pasadena is about more than just working at CalTech."
"I know.", Leonard said and when Sheldon looked at him again, he could see the sadness in his best friend's face. "Sheldon, part of me wants to tell you to forget about Amy and just come back. I… no, all of us really… we missed you so much these past years. We want nothing more than for you to come back to us. But I won't ask this of you. I have never seen you as happy and content as you were the other night. You cannot risk losing this."
"So, you really think, I should start over somewhere else?", Sheldon said hesitantly. "Just like that? But I've worked here ever since I was a teenager. I have my apartment. My routines. And… my friends?"
He looked to Leonard for confirmation as he said this last thing.
"Look, Sheldon.", Leonard sighed. "I am not telling you to move to Texas permanently. You can only decide that for yourself. I'd hate to see you go, now that we are finally starting to be friends again. But you are at a crossroad right now. Whatever you decide now will impact the rest of your life. You need to figure out what's most important for you. And then pursue that."
He tried to picture it. His life in California like it used to be. Living in his apartment. Working at CalTech. Meeting his friends. But only seeing Amy on weekends.
It was unthinkable.
Well, Leonard was right. He did have his answer, even if he did not like it.
"I think you are right. But… it's just hard, thinking about what I am giving up.", he mumbled sadly.
"Or maybe there is another option. One that could at least buy you some time before you two have to make a final decision.", Leonard said after a few moments of silence.
"Go on.", he demanded. Even if he did not expect Leonard to come up with anything useful, when neither he nor Amy could do it.
"Well…", Leonard hesitated. "First of all, I hope you know, no matter what you decide, you will always be my best friend and I really hope I will get to see you more than I did the last few years."
Sheldon nodded. "I want this too. Very much."
"Good.", his friend said. "Now. Do you remember a few years ago, when our apartment was robbed?"
He was about to roll his eyes at Leonard. Of course he remembered. He had an eidetic memory after all.
But he was baffled when Leonard told him his idea.
It was so simple really. Why did he not think of it?
He made a few calls right away and found out that, yes, it could actually work."
"I think I need to talk to Amy. As soon as possible.", he whispered.
"Yeah, you should.", Leonard confirmed.
Sheldon smiled. "Thank you, Leonard. You helped me a lot."
He felt a lot lighter after this conversation, even if his mind was not completely at ease yet.
It was like Leonard had told him. It was not really a solution. Just a way to buy himself and Amy some time to figure out their future while still living together.
And while it was not perfect, it was much better than what she had suggested in the morning.
After that, he finally took a good look at Leonard's children.
Lucas looked just like his father, and he was walking around in the yard with a small magnifying glass, inspecting the plants and insects.
Becky, who had just turned nine months but was already able to walk a few steps, was trying to follow her older brother, but she fell on her butt more often than she would have probably liked.
She was persistent though. Always standing up and trying again. She reminded him of Penny that way.
"So…", he gulped. "Who did you end up making their godfather?"
"They don't have one.", Leonard said firmly. "Penny and I agreed it is either you or no one."
"Really?"
Sheldon felt his lips trembling. He had no idea his friendship meant so much to both Leonard and Penny.
"Really."
Leonard sounded all choked up as he said his next words.
"So, if you want… the job is still yours."
"Are you sure? Even if maybe… they will not be seeing me that often for a while?"
"Doesn't matter.", Leonard told him. "Wherever you end up, and no matter how long it takes until you come back, I expect you to visit us. Often. And we will visit you. And then there's facetime. Like I said. It's you or no one."
"I'd be honored.", Sheldon admitted, trying to keep the tears at bay. "Thank you, Leonard."
"So, uhm… video games?", Leonard finally croaked, and Sheldon nodded firmly.
They got the kids inside then and spent the rest of the morning playing Wii bowling with Leonard's son as his daughter tried to imitate their movements.
Sheldon loved every second of it, but his heart was hurting all the time.
He had made a temporary decision, but that did not mean it was easy, facing the consequences of his choice. Because he knew, either way, there were people he loved who he would be leaving behind. At least for a while.
At some point, Leonard's phone dinged.
"Uhm…", his friend said, and furrowed his eyebrows. "It's Penny. She wants to know, if I could give you a ride to LA. She already has Amy in her car, and they want to pick up your sister from the airport to spend some more quality girl time."
Sheldon checked his phone too, just in case.
No message from Amy. It was strange, spending so much time apart from her, when they had wanted to spend these days together initially.
"Oh…", he just said. "That is… not what I had expected."
"Don't worry too much, Sheldon.", Leonard said, patting his shoulder. "From what Amy has told Penny yesterday, she never really had lots of girlfriends. Maybe she just enjoys hanging out with Penny and Bernadette. Look at it this way. The more she befriends them, the easier it might be for her to move here someday. And I am happy to give you a ride."
Sheldon nodded absentmindedly.
Yes, he could look at it this way. Or maybe… maybe Amy wasn't too keen on talking to him right now.
The thought almost broke his heart.
Once the babysitter arrived, he got into the car with Leonard. Not the one he was familiar with, but a family van with car seats and a TV in the back.
So much had changed…
"So… do you want to play a car game?", Leonard asked then.
He did want to.
But it did not feel like it used to. Winning against Leonard did not mean anything anymore.
Not when things between him and Amy were so complicated.
Why had she not texted him? Did she even want to hear the solution he had found?
Or had she made up her mind and wanted him to stay here without her?
Or worse… had the girls talked her into breaking up with him? He was sure, Penny would do no such thing, but he had no idea what Bernadette would tell her.
He sighed defeated. There was only one way to find out.
They arrived at the event center then, where most people of the choir were already waiting for him in the rehearsal room that had been assigned to them for a final practice.
Everyone had already taken their place, when at the last minute, Missy and Amy entered the room.
Missy greeted him with a friendly smile before the two women joined the rest of the choir. He tried to make eye-contact with Amy, but she seemed to avoid his gaze.
He could see that she looked sad. As if she had been crying.
Oh no. That could not be good.
Oh, how he longed to talk to her. But first they had to get this last practice over with.
Everyone seemed so nervous. Even Jared, one of his most confident singers, missed his cues.
"It's hopeless.", Jeremy said at one point. "I think we are in over our heads. This event is too big. I am sure the other choirs are much more experienced than we are."
"You are wrong.", Sheldon insisted. What was it with people these days, so readily giving up the things they had worked for. "It is not hopeless. You won the last competition against all odds and without me. All of you have worked so hard. All you need is to believe in yourself. It does not even matter if we come in first or second or even last. Being here as a small-town church choir is an honor."
"He's right.", Ruth nodded. "Stop being so negative, all of you. Stop worrying. We're going out there doing our best. As we always do."
Sheldon nodded.
Finally, he had caught Amy's attention. She was looking at him, biting her lips.
"We can do this.", he said to the choir, but he really directed it at Amy. "We have worked so hard. We have pushed through so much. The things we have achieved together, they are so rare. And even if not everything will turn out how we imagined it, we will not budge. We will give our best and make this count. And I promise you, we will be better for it in the end."
"Nice pep talk, boss!", Daniel shouted, and the others clapped. Only Amy kept staring at him, with an indecipherable expression on her face.
She did not react to what he had just said. Just stared at him with tears forming in her eyes.
And when they were done rehearsing, she was the first one out the door. She did not even give him a chance to talk to her before the competition.
"She told me everything over lunch.", Missy told him softly when she saw the defeated look on his face. "Just give her little time. She was not prepared for these issues to arise and she is confused. But I promise, everything will be alright."
Sheldon nodded. Yes, he believed her. Everything had to be alright in the end. There was no other option.
He just wished, Amy would talk to him instead of Missy. He had to admit, he was a little disappointed in her.
For the remaining hour before the competition, he went to a little café with Missy, where they were soon joined by Ruth and Daniel.
He wondered where Leonard and Penny were. He would have liked to introduce them to the choir, but they seemed to have vanished.
Maybe they were just spending some child-free time together.
He could hardly focus on the conversation, that soon shifted to the old couple's wedding plans.
His chest was still hurting. It was actually getting worse with every minute.
Where was Amy? What was going through her mind? How was she doing?
Why was she avoiding him?
Finally, it was time to reenter the event center. He saw Amy make her way backstage, but she did not see him.
'After the competition', he promised himself. 'We will talk, and everything will be fine.'
"I'm going to use the bathroom.", he whispered to Missy. He did not really have to go, but he needed a moment to collect his thoughts before going out on stage.
"Alright, but be quick.", she answered. "The competition will start in less than an hour."
He nodded and quickly walked down the stairs to the basement where the restrooms were located exactly underneath the stage.
But as he arrived there, he had really just opened the door, something felt seriously wrong.
Out of the blue, he started to feel dizzy. His heart was pounding rapidly in his chest, and he started hyperventilating.
What was going on?
Was this another heart attack?
But no, it did not feel like last time.
There was no pain. No pressure on his chest.
Just this weird feeling of being… disconnected from the world around him. His hands started shaking. His fingers were feeling numb.
A deep fear was gripping at him, making him feel as if he was about to die.
His stomach churned and suddenly he felt as if he was about to vomit.
He tried to move his legs, tried to get to the nearest bathroom stall but his legs seemed to have a mind of their own.
Just as he slipped, he tried to reach for one of the sinks, but he missed and then everything happened so quickly.
On his way down, his head banged against the hand dryer and then he was lying on the floor.
He was still trying to catch his breath.
By now, he realized, this was not a heart attack.
But still, his body was not listening to him. Something strange was happening to him. Something he did not quite understand.
With difficulty, he pulled his phone out of his pocket.
For a second, he considered calling an ambulance.
But the urge to hear a certain voice was just too strong. He wanted her to come find him. She would know what to do.
"Amy…", he croaked, disappointed, when his call went straight to her voicemail. "Oh Amy…"
He listened to the message.
Hi, this is Amy. I cannot come to the phone right now, but please leave a message and I will call you back.
He ended the call and hit the dial button to listen to the message again.
Already, hearing her voice was calming him down.
"Amy.", he whispered this time after the beep.
He took a deep breath. Now that the fear was subsiding, he was pretty sure, he was not in any serious danger. But still, he thought about what he wanted her to know, if this would be the last time he would talk to her.
How do you know you love someone?
"How do you know you love someone?", he breathed out. "You know because ever since you met her, your heart is filled with joy whenever she is around. You think about her all the time when she's not there. And when she appears, it feels like… the sun is going up, lightening up your entire world. And you also know because… you cannot picture a future where you do not spend every day of your life with her. I… I love you, Amy. I love you so much. You have no idea. I do want to come back to Pasadena, but I will not be moving anywhere unless you are coming with me. It is not possible. I will never find happiness without you."
He closed his eyes for a second. His breathing was almost back to normal again. It helped, saying these things out loud.
"This past year…", he continued. "It was the best in my entire life. I have never felt this alive and happy and fulfilled. And even if I would die right this moment, at least I would die, finally knowing what it feels like, being a happy man. Being loved by you is the best feeling in the world. I could give up almost anything in my life, Amy. Even if it would make me sad, leaving my friends behind, it would pale in comparison to how losing you would affect me. I am sorry I did not tell you this last night. You are the most important person in my life. And you always will be."
He ended the call then and finally, he was able to sit up again.
Getting all of this off his chest had somehow made him feel calm again.
The dizziness was gone. His body seemed to follow his mind's orders again. And his heart was back to beating in its normal rhythm.
He still did not understand what had been happening to him. But he felt normal again and the competition would start soon, so he was determined to get up and join the others before they would be worrying about him.
But then, he felt something wet running down his cheek. Not much. Just a few drops.
He ran his index finger over his forehead and then looked at it.
And then he wished he had not done it, when he saw what it was.
Blood. Just a little bit. But enough to make the dizziness reappear again.
And then, the world turned black.
To be continued...
Warning: Spoiler for the ending of the movie.
So, the movie ended with a scene similar to this one. The main protagonist fainted in the men's room. But in the movie, it was actually a second heart attack and he died, listening to 'his' choir over the ventilation system. The last image was him running towards his younger, bullied self in the same field he was severely beaten up as a little boy.
Up until a few weeks ago, this chapter ended with Sheldon having another heart attack as well and the next chapter would have had him waking up in the hospital from a several weeks long coma. You can imagine, his phone call to Amy in this chapter would have been much more heartbreaking, as he would have been saying good-bye to her and telling her to move on because he did not think he would make it this time.
But the closer it came, the more I did not like this ending anymore, so I rewrote it. Firstly, my story already had deviated so much from what I had planned, so the ending did not fit anymore. And also, I am no doctor, but having two heart attacks in one year does not really speak for a long life expectancy and my heart could not take doing this to Sheldon and Amy. I still wanted to keep a few things from the next chapter, so I chose to keep this one similar but instead of having another heart attack, he just had a small panic attack and fainted because of seeing his own blood (typical Sheldon, right?). The next chapter will continue with him waking up only minutes afterwards (small spoiler: he will not be alone when he wakes up, and there will be a serious talk and a semi-solution to this situation), so he will not be missing the competition this time.
Next chapter will unfortunately be the last one, but I can already tell you that I am almost sure I will go through with my idea for a sequel. I already have a few ideas, but it will take a while.
Thank you for reading!