A/N: I had most of this chapter written a week ago but kept trying to polish it before publishing as I wasn't sure it would hang together ok. I hope it does. Enjoy!
Ren stares at the ceiling in his one-room apartment desperately wishing that the events of last night did not happen. But the rhythmic sounds of breathing coming from the bed beside him force him to abandon that thought. On the contrary, he recognizes that deep down he feels happy and at home.
'No,' he thinks, 'I cannot think like that. I am Rain- Rain" he tries emphasizing that to himself with little success.
What would she think of him? Would she believe it if he told her that it was akin to a one-night stand? That it didn't mean anything.
'How did I allow this to happen?' he wondered. But he knew exactly how.
After that first meeting at Big Boy Burger, when he believed he had successfully convinced her of his refusal to go back to his previous life, he had been surprised when she came again the next day, alone. And the next and the next. She had come sharp at 11 each day and made it a point to talk to him. He had been reluctant to talk to her but he hardly could refuse having already confessed his admiration for her as a fan. It didn't matter that he knew she was only doing this to trip him up and jolt him out of his role. It couldn't be helped, could it? So he had talked to her and smiled and had tried to tell himself that he was just playing along till she gave up and went home.
And when he had given up his 5-minute-lunch-and-dash-out-for-walk routine to sit down and share his meal with her, he had tried to tell himself that it was all an act. He was still Rain. And when she talked and laughed with him, Ren tried hard to push down the warm fuzzy feeling within him and remember instead, his resentment for her. But the twinkle of amusement in her eyes and the warm glow of happiness in her cheeks drew him further and further in. And Rain started wondering why he couldn't just enjoy his time with this person. Rain had never been happy until he met Kyoko.
So when Kyoko had asked, "Would you like to take a walk?" Rain had said yes enthusiastically. His running away walks transformed into leisurely pleasant strolls with her as they each took their lunches, he with his simple sandwich and she with a Big Boy burger. They had walked and talked with such ease - he talked of his childhood, growing up in a house with two entertainment personalities and she talked of hers, brought up in a country inn surrounded by nature. Ren wondered if neither of them had ever entered the entertainment industry, would this how their lives would have ended up as? Simple. Uncomplicated. Happy.
He had not understood the danger then. He had been lulled into evolving his Rain from an introverted, antisocial, brooding man into a lonely fanboy reaching out for a connection with the dazzling brightness that was Kyoko-the actress.
That afternoon when Rain had unwrapped his sandwich Kyoko had stopped before opening her bag and asked, "Rain-kun, you always eat such a simple sandwich, you should eat something more substantial like this burger. Do you want to share?"
When Rain agreed, she had placed the burger on a bench and with a plastic utensil neatly cut it into two. 'She had always been such a perfectionist' he thought and gave a small laugh.
Kyoko had looked up at the sound and asked, "What is so funny?"
"Uh. I was just thinking that you are so precise, just like I would expect a Japanese person to be." he had replied smoothly barely dodging the bullet.
"I am Japanese.," she had nodded and then asked, "And you, what do you think yourself to be?"
"What do you mean?" he asked warily.
"Just that you have a Japanese father and an American mother. Do you think of yourself as Japanese or American?"
"Well I was born in America and have always lived here." he had replied wondering where it was going.
"So an American then?"
"Well my dad is Japanese and I do speak Japanese. Plus I watch Japanese shows and movies. I am a Japanese American I guess. A bit of both"
She had nodded to herself. Wondering what it was all about, he had tried to bring things back to within his control. He had handed her his half-eaten sandwich.
"We were sharing." he reminded her inwardly congratulating himself on the move. It was a trap. Ren would know that Kyoko, being Japanese and on the conservative side would balk at sharing a half-bitten sandwich with a man. So if she refused the sandwich, she would be accepting that Rain was a stranger and not Ren. If she accepted, she would be breaking from her role. He waited and watched.
Kyoko smiled and took it from him. "Rain-kun, I am sure you have seen enough Japanese shows to know what sharing food like this means. We Japanese call it a "second-hand kiss"."
He had not expected that. Nor had he expected her to bite into the sandwich. But what he least expected was how his body tingled at the sight of her doing that. But she was far from done.
"I don't really like second-hand things," she said. And reached up and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He stood there like a fool.
'Who was this woman? Was it really Kyoko who was flirting and making these moves? Even if I were Ren and she was Kyoko, Kyoko would never kiss me in public like that.'
So he had stood there out of balance and full of openings. Kyoko said, "I'll pick you up for dinner tonight. 9 is when you finish right? I will make reservations."
When he walked out of Big Boy Burger that evening, she was there looking like a million dollars. She smiled. Make that five million. It can't have been easy, no matter how much of a good actress she was, to pull off that confidence, that grace in a foreign country, in an unfamiliar town, speaking in a language one is not quite fluent in. But she managed it beautifully. Rain felt himself falling in love as if for the first time. He tried to stop himself. Tried to package the love he still felt for her into a box and shove it away to a deep dark place in his heart.
He was sure that this had been her target all along. Make him realize his love for her and somehow twist it into making him reveal himself. He felt sure that sometime during the dinner, she would accuse him of being Ren or make some sort of ploy to get him to admit it or break character. He steeled himself and waited for it, warily watching her every move, focusing on every inflection in her voice. But the moment never came.
She kept on playing the role - Kyoko, the actress out on a date with a Japanese American fan of hers- alternately flirting, talking, connecting with him. Acting like she too was falling in love with him for the first time. And so, it had seemed the most natural thing in the world for them to spend the night in each other's company. Why would Rain, a fan of Kyoko's refuse that? Not that Ren wanted to refuse either.
The one thing that Ren and Rain were not on the same page on was the familiarity of their love-making. Try as he might, Ren could not pretend he didn't know this woman inside out - the curves, the sounds, the moves- it was a torrent of memories of all the times they had been together. Rain was powerless to stop it.
'And now lying on my bed next to me is the aftermath.' he thinks. He hears her stirring waking up.
'There is no way she is going to let me off once she wakes by pretending she didn't notice that it was not Rain but Ren yesterday. Unless I take some drastic moves to prevent that.'
She sits up and starts wearing her clothes. He tries to keep pretending he is still asleep while his mind works furiously to form the sentences. He knows what he has to say to keep pretending to be Rain. But Ren protests at the hurt it would cause her. He had forgotten all the moments of joy she had given him. But their conversations and meetings over the last few days had cracked the wall that he had built to keep the past at bay. And what had been but a trickle had turned into a stream and last night the flood of memories and emotions overwhelmed him. So he lay in bed frozen with indecision, and she finishes dressing up.
'This was the last chance to say it. It is now or never' he thinks and sits up. Kyoko sees him sitting up.
Both speak at the same moment.
"I have-"
"I have-"
Rain recognizes the advantage of having her speak first. Perhaps if he gave his blow after she says whatever she has to say, it might be all the more lasting. He waves his hand indicating she go first.
"I have to go back to the hotel. Shin would be waiting for me."
Rain boils with anger at the mention of Shin. 'is that what you should be saying? Another man's name after all that we did last night?' he wants to ask.
Kyoko laughs and Rain looks up at the tone. It was a jarring, artificial laugh.
"You know." she says." I didn't think I could do it with you. Up to now, I have only been with Japanese men. So Japanese-American or just plain American, it is a step up for me."
Rain feels the blood drain from his face.
"Not that it wasn't good," she adds hastily. "You were great last night. But I am afraid this is goodbye. I got what I came for. "
She strides out of the door and just before the door completely shuts, she pops her head back in.
"What was it that you were about to say?" she asks.
"I have a girlfriend," he replies in a monotone not caring whether it sounded believable or not.
"Well good for you," she says. And this time it is she is who is walking out of his life.