Emma cradled her cell phone in her hands as she sat square on her couch, befuddled. She couldn't decide if she felt relief or sheer panic. Maybe it was a little bit of both.
Her mind kept going back to Regina. She was there in her apartment. She came back and of all things, she was willing to listen. Emma didn't even expect that, let alone, feel like she deserved that much from the other woman. As much as the whole situation was disastrous, Emma knew what she did was wrong by waiting too long. She should never have kept her secret at bay. Regina was allowed to be angry. But the relief of her showing up and being so open was enlightening. Yet, at the same time, terrifying. Regina could hear her story and still feel a disconnect and that be the end of the road for them, which was an unbearable thought.
Panic flared in her chest. Emma wanted to make Regina feel comfortable, safe, and loved. She betrayed her and did the exact opposite of what she wanted. Emma knew whatever she did say to Regina, she needed to make sure she was confident and clear about her situation while being mindful of how Regina was feeling. When they did have their talk, Emma wanted to take it slow. Explain a little, ask Regina if she has questions, and then continue. She wanted to make Regina feel safe and comfortable enough to ask anything.
The worst part of all of this was that she had to wait the entire day for Regina to get home. Emma was going to die in agony over the anticipation.
Emma groaned and set her phone aside. She walked over to her desk and sat in front of her laptop. She pulled up her browser and started Googling questions partners may ask. Emma knew Regina well enough to know that she was going to look up something similar. This way Emma could cover all of her bases and anticipate anything.
The first link wasn't helpful. It was all about how you need to put it out there from the beginning and let people know from the get-go that you are transgender. The ship had obviously already sailed on that one, so she moved on.
The second link was written from the perspective of the wife of a transgender woman. The first paragraph cut right to the chase, which read, so you've just found out that your partner is transgender. Emma raised an eyebrow, because yes, Regina did just find out. As Emma read more, she realized that she didn't quite identify with everything, which further sparked worry in her chest. If Regina was reading this kind of stuff, then maybe she was getting the wrong information and expecting horrible things like Emma being suicidal. Fortunately, all her life she had been pretty sheltered by her parents and only had minor run-ins. She never dealt with much rejection or shame. Just the mere thought of people just like her dealing with their family disowning them broke her own heart.
Emma couldn't bring herself to read anymore. Instead, she slammed her laptop shut. Emma started to pace back and forth in her apartment, trying to center her emotions and thoughts. Her nerves were on edge and she felt like she needed help to resolve how she was feeling.
The person who always helped with that was August. Emma quickly called him, knowing he would be able to help calm the miniature war that her body was having.
"Hey, Emma." His voice was like water after days in a desert. Emma felt her body instantly begin to relax.
"Hey! So, Regina just came by." She started to say as she paced back and forth.
"You don't say," He said, but his voice hit an octave it normally never hit.
Emma stopped pacing. "August? What did you do?"
"Damn, you're good."
Emma felt scarlet leak into her cheeks. "Okay, seriously, I'm not in the mental place for these games right now. Why do I get the feeling that you knew that she was coming here?"
"Because, I may have had a feeling."
"How?" Emma said, starting to get mad. She felt left out and humiliated.
"Okay, Emma, don't freak out, but I may have swiped her contact info from your phone when your mom got here yesterday."
"Besides the obvious privacy violation, what the Hell were you thinking?"
"I was thinking about you and how I wanted to help fix this. Let's face it, you guys would never have met if I didn't make the FindLove profile for you. I'm the one the one that didn't list you as transgender. Besides the site was strictly for lesbians and bisexuals. I don't think you could have put it on there, but I mean I could have put that information in your bio."
"Oh don't play the martyr card. I could have told her and I didn't. And, I really wouldn't want that information in my bio. So, tell me, what did you do?"
"I met up with her."
Emma threw her hands in the air. "Seriously?" She whined out.
"Look, it's not bad. Let me tell you what happened." August said. "I called her up and asked her if I could have a few minutes of her time. She was pretty reluctant, I mean she was really upset, but I somehow charmed my way into getting her to get a coffee with me."
"And?" Emma asked, on edge.
"And…" His voice trailed off as he recounted the day before.
"Regina," August said as he stood from the chair when she walked in.
"August," She said, curtly. "Let's get this over with, I have some business to attend to."
He nodded. He didn't expect this to be an easy conversation considering how reluctant she was to meet up in the first place to talk.
"Uh, do you want me to get you a coffee?"
"No, I don't need anything. I just want to hear what you have to say and get it over with."
August clenched his jaw. "Okay." He motioned for them to take their seats. "Where do I begin?"
"I don't know, maybe somewhere around the fact that you both lied to me."
"Regina," August said, glaringly. "She didn't lie. She just didn't give the whole truth."
"So a white lie? It's still a lie." She snapped. He looked at her, her guard up a mile high. She sat there tense with her arms crossed in front of her chest. Her entire body language was uncomfortable, even for him. It started to rub off, it was as if a cloud of negativity hovered over them.
He sagged his shoulders and said, "I guess. Look, I'm here for Emma. She's heartbroken. I feel like I put her in a very vulnerable place. She was so afraid of losing you, that she made herself too afraid to tell you. I kept pushing her. Hell, Regina, I made the FindLove profile. I'm the one to get mad at for not putting that she was transgender on there, but knowing Emma, she'd had a stroke if I did."
"You act like I don't know what it feels like to be heartbroken. How do you think I feel? The person I have feelings for kept a big secret from me."
"Yeah, so you know now. What can you both do to get past it?"
"I don't know if I can."
"And why's that?"
"Because, she's betrayed my trust."
"Did she really? You know who should have trust issues? It's her who should. Think about it, Regina. She was so afraid that she'll lose everyone in her life if she told them the truth, especially you, that she overwhelms herself. She turns into a train wreck because she's afraid she'll be looked at like a freak, subjected to hate, making her live in fear. She doesn't just tell people for those reasons, she doesn't trust them to treat her the same. Besides, she doesn't need to tell anyone, nor does she want to. Do you even know what gender dysphoria is? Do you understand the things she's dealt with and overcome? She's so much more than just this label." August argued.
He leaned closer in and said, "Regina, open your eyes, she's still the same Emma. Still the same woman you've grown to care so much about. Don't let her being transgender affect what you have together. She's devastated and needs you to at least listen. Even if you can't see past it, at least, try and listen to her. Don't Google anything because I can tell you right now that Emma isn't someone you can just research and learn about. She's a person who has feelings at the end of the day. No different from you or me."
Regina licked her bottom lip and sighed. "I never said I was leaving her." She uncrossed her arms and leaned forward with her arms against the table. "I'm just upset that she thought I'd think of her differently because the fact is, I wouldn't. I just don't understand why someone would be transgender. I don't know what gender dysphoria is and I suppose they go hand in hand. I don't get how she looks the way she does either. I'm just confused and I feel lied to. I don't want her to feel rejection. I don't want her to feel alone. I do care about her, no matter what happens. I just don't know if I understand it all and that's my fault from shying away from those topics. And there's a reason for that and I don't intend on getting into that right now."
"I get it, it's fine, but would you be willing to try and understand?"
Regina looked off in the distance. "You know when I first met her, I thought it was like a dream." She paused. "I've never met someone as attractive, funny, and loving before. The way she looked at me and brought me out of my shell made me feel special. I started to see a future with her. I still see that same future. I just feel so confused. Like what does this mean for her long-term? Or me? Can we have a sex life? How does that work? I just feel like I need help to understand."
"So talk to her."
"I don't know how, I'm so upset with her, and yet she's the person I want to talk to about all of this."
"Sounds like you don't want to let her go."
Regina shook her head, "I don't."
"Then go to her. Tell her you don't understand. Regina, she cares so much. I'm pretty sure she'd walk through fire for you. She'd listen to you and explain everything until the day she died in hopes that you'd understand. Just give her a chance, please?" He gave her puppy dog eyes.
"I have work to get to." Regina stood. "I may have to fly home early. I will think about it. I won't promise anything."
"Fair enough, but just think how much she's already blamed herself. I know you're upset, and you have a right to be. No one is going to say you don't. I just want you to understand why and where she's coming from."
"I've got to get going now." She pushed her chair back in and walked out of the coffee shop
August finished his story and Emma just sat on the edge of her couch in utter shock. "What do you think is going to happen?"
"I can't say I know for sure, but I do think she's going to hear you out to her best ability. She was torn, Emma. She just is hurt right now. It's not even hurt over you being transgender, it's hurt over you not telling her."
"Yeah, well I get that. I wish I'd told her sooner. I just hope she understands why I was so afraid."
"I think you can help her get there."
Emma was hunched over biting at her nails. Could she get Regina there? What if she couldn't get past Emma not being born as a female.
"For what it's worth, thank you for going out of your way to talk to her. I'm glad she did decide to come by and talk to me. She still seemed pretty distant, but I think that could change."
"I think everything will work itself out. She hasn't run for the hills and blocked you out of her life. She went home for work reasons. Had that not been the case, I think she would have wanted to stay for this conversation."
Emma nodded, "One would like to think that, at least."
"Alright." She heard him sigh into the phone. "Well, hang in there. Just take the talk slowly. Tell her about your story, explain what gender dysphoria is, and discuss with her boundaries if you have any. She needs to know. I think she will feel less vulnerable and more in control over this situation after she is informed about everything."
"Okay, got it. Can't be that hard, right." Emma said as she gulped back the viscousness in her mouth. "I mean, the hard part it's over and done with anyways."
"Call me if you need me."
"Thanks." Emma said as she hung up her phone. She tossed it on the table in front of her and curled into the couch. Her eyelids felt heavy and at this point, sleep was a sweet escape from the intense anxiety she felt if she remained awake. So she snuggled into the couch cushions and fell asleep daydreaming about Regina, about her laugh, her smile, and Emma held onto that feeling that Regina gave her. It was her hope.
Hours later Emma jolted from her sleep from the shrill ringing of her phone. Disoriented was an understatement as she tried to get her bearings straight. Her eyes felt itchy from crusties that made them feel glued shut and her ears rang as she smacked around for the source of the sound.
The ringtone and obnoxious buzzing from it vibrating on the table made that hair on Emma's spine stick up. She picked up her phone, intending on ignoring the call, but as her blurry vision focused, she saw Regina's name.
Like warp speed, her body betrayed her. Her heart strained to beat and her skin felt on fire. This was it, this was the moment. Taking in slow, but deep breaths, she counted to ten. She felt herself start to relax despite the immense amount of anxiety that threatened to eat her alive. While Emma started to feel better, the ache in her chest came back the moment she realized the phone no longer was ringing.
"Shit! Oh, you idiot!" She snapped at herself. She fumbled with her passcode, her palms sweating, and took in one final deep breath in before calling Regina back. She could hear her own heartbeat as the phone rang in her ear. It had taken a few seconds before that sweet, sultry voice reached her ears. "Hello?"
"Hey." She said, tentatively. She started to pace back and forth in the apartment. "Sorry, I was asleep."
"It's okay. I just got home." Emma felt her body trembling and while her palms felt moist from the sweat, her hands were was a long pause and Emma rubbed her hands together to warm them up.
"How was the flight?" She asked, using small talk to fill the long awkward pause.
"Better than the last one home. I worked the entire time." Regina said, nonchalantly.
"That's good. I'm really beyond happy for you. You deserve it."
"Thanks." Regina said.
Emma leaned her head against the wall now. A few long moments had passed and neither one of them said a word. It was painfully awkward and uncomfortable. She knew the ball was in her court and she needed to speak up before Regina gave up and hung up on her. She was already on thin ice.
"Regina." She managed to say. "I, I don't know where to begin." Her voice trembled as she fought to maintain her composure.
"Just start from the beginning." Regina said. It was encouraging, yes, but Emma could still pick up on the hurt that was laced with confusion in her voice. But it was now Emma's job to untangle that confusion and hurt and explain her story to Regina, no matter how hard it was for her.
"Okay. I think I can do that." Emma nodded. She took in a deep breath and started to explain.
"When I was younger, my parents raised me like any sensible parents would, boy clothes, toys, and everything. There's still pictures of me floating around wearing boy outfits. They're really old. Uhm, I guess my oldest memory was when I was three. My mom asked me to pick the color for my room. She held out several colors that were green and blue. I remember wanting to cry because I didn't want them. I wanted pink. That's the extent of my memory really. My mom told me the rest. She said that I picked out the pink paint sample and wouldn't let go of it. I refused and by the time she left the store she had two gallons of Pepto pink paint for my room. She couldn't stand to see me upset and she really did everything she could to keep me happy." Emma said.
"As I got older, I wanted American Girl dolls and Barbie dolls. I hated toy trucks and I loved cars, but Barbie convertible cars and Jeeps. I refused to let them cut my hair too. Apparently, once they tried and I screamed on the top of my lungs because I hated it short." Emma paused. She was trying to not do information overload and explain everything carefully. "I would often say that I felt like a girl and would play dress-up in my mother's closet and ask her to do my makeup." Emma paused after noticing her sentences were running together.
"I'm nervous. So I, if I get a little confusing or anything. Just stop me." She said, but was met with a stagnant pause.
"Uh, let's see, it was around then that my parents started sensing that something wasn't right, that there was more to what was going on. So they took me to a doctor. Fortunately, my family doctor was educated on gender dysphoria, which is what he told my parents I had. Gender dysphoria is a condition of feeling like an emotional and psychological disconnection from one's biological sex. At first, they were convinced it was a phase, but I just kept on being me. My parents asked me one day how I felt about being a girl." She gulped. "This story always makes my mother cry because when they asked me that, I… I was the happiest they'd ever seen me. Before, well I was just a watered-down version of the real me. They knew that had I been forced to be something that I wasn't, then I'd continue to grow up unhappy and they didn't want that life for me. So at the turn of the school year, the enrolled me in a new school as Emma Swan instead of Emmett Swan. They had to fight the school with me being able to go to the girl's bathroom. A few years later, when I was ten, I was able to start hormone treatment and I was extremely fortunate it's just really hard to get." She said. "Not only that, it cost my parents a lot of money to get that kind of treatment for me. Most kids don't get that because it's not affordable, or they just don't have access to it, but my mother was an insistent bulldog. She wanted me to have it before puberty so that I could develop as femininely possible." Emma explained.
She paused for a few seconds and remembered that Huffington Post article. "Before I continue, do you have any questions? I know this is a lot to take in."
"No, I don't have any questions yet. You're explaining really well." Regina said, but this time, Emma could feel the reassurance in her voice that was lacking before.
"Okay, so hormone treatment before puberty suppresses things like an Adam's apples and other masculine traits. It promotes natural breast development and hip development. So I look very similar to how my mother did when she was my age. That said, as I got older, only my parents, doctors, and school administration knew that I was transgender. I never looked like a boy. I had friends and acted like all the other girls, except I was a tomboy. I loved sports and was super athletic. I was the team captain of all the teams I was on. None of my peers knew that I was different. I wanted it to stay that way. I was so afraid of being rejected and made fun of." Emma said, truthfully.
"When I went to college, I found my first love, Lily. She was the first person I ever told about me being transgender. I trusted her, but she didn't take it as well as I hoped in the beginning. Eventually, she came around and it didn't take that long. She was hesitant about sex with me. To be honest, I was hesitant too. So that's why I didn't have my first kiss or have sex until I was in college." Emma swallowed thickly. This was getting to the harder parts of the story. She rubbed her palms on her pants to wipe the sweat off.
"So here's where I'm going to feel really awkward. I- it's hard. I hate talking about this part of me. I, so I, as you know, still have a penis. It's not by choice. I just, it's not, it's just that the surgery is really expensive. And like I have saved all of my money, of course, there have been some minor setbacks, but soon I hope to have it. I want it. More than anything." Emma said. It was true, she did want that surgery more than anything. It was her goal that she worked towards every single day.
"Wait? What are you talking about, you've started to lose me." Regina cut in.
Emma started pacing now. She inhaled in a deep breath of air and started over again. "So, I don't want my penis. I hate it. It feels foreign to me. It doesn't feel right like it shouldn't be there. It doesn't match me. It reminds me every single day of what I hate most about myself. So I've been saving my money for the sexual reassignment surgery. It's just unbelievably expensive and my parents have given me so much that I can't ask them for help. So I've been saving my own money."
"Okay. So that said, despite you hating that part of yourself, you and Lily, did you still have sex?" Regina guided Emma back to where she was in her story.
"Yes, but it took a while because I wasn't ready, emotionally, and she was nervous. It's not…" Emma stopped herself. "Hormone treatment, while it allowed me to develop more feminine assets, it also shrank some other parts of me."
"I see." Regina said. "So, what does that mean."
"This is really hard." Emma said as she started to feel humiliated and upset with herself for not being able to just say it.
"Emma, do you want to take a break or something?" Regina asked, cautiously.
"No, because I don't know if I can do this all over again. It's too hard. I feel humiliated." Emma said as fanned her face to will the tears to not fall, for once.
"I don't want you to feel like that. What can I do to help?"
"I don't know. You're being pretty great for not hanging up." Emma admitted.
"I'm not going anywhere." Regina said, firmly.
Those four words meant everything to Emma. She stopped pacing and sat down on her couch. She brought her knees up to her chin and she cried into the phone. "You have no idea how much that means to me."
Regina was silent on the other end of the line, but nevertheless, she was there with Emma. While this wasn't how Emma envisioned this going in her head, she felt safe with Regina. She felt like she could continue this story, no matter how embarrassing it was to her.
Regina's voice echoed through the phone, "I know when I first found out, that I acted in a way that wasn't sensitive to how you may have felt. I was upset because I thought and hoped that you trusted me enough to come to me sooner with this."
Emma sniffed into the phone. "I'm so sorry." She wiped the snot from her nose onto her knee. "I should have told you and I don't deserve you for being this understanding right now."
"Emma, breathe." Regina cooed into the phone. Emma's soft whimpers in between her words didn't fall on deaf ears.
After catching her breath, she continued. "It's small, okay. It's not impressive. It's repulsive and I don't have balls really. It's barely noticeable when I wear pants and I don't get...erections...like guys do. Like not so often. I've only had a few visible ones a couple times in my life. Mostly, when Lily and I had sex. It does work, it just takes a little extra foreplay sometimes. I don't get myself off, which I told you once before. I don't want to masturbate. I hate it. I don't want to see it. Also, because my testicles are basically non-functional, I don't have sperm because of the hormones that I have taken almost all my life."
"That makes sense. Do you like having sex? I mean if you hate that part of yourself, wouldn't it be uncomfortable?" Regina sincerely wanted to know.
"I mean it was pretty traumatic the first time. I didn't know what to do with it and honestly, Lily was just as confused. After a few times, we worked through it. I haven't had sex with anyone since Lily passed away. Uhm, it takes a lot of trust for me. I need the person to be understanding and move slowly with me. I would enjoy myself and being with my partner more if I could look like how I feel."
"And, so why don't you get the surgery?" Regina forgot Emma had already explained this.
"It's too much right now. I want it. It's all I have ever wanted." Emma started to get choked up again. "Regina, please tell me you don't think of me different. Please." Emma begged as she started to feel overwhelmed again.
"I don't. I just wish you told me this all sooner so I could be more sensitive to your feelings. It makes sense how you acted so uncomfortable sometimes. And why you asked some of the questions that you did. I don't want you to feel like you can't share things with me. I want you to know, I still think of you like the way I did before I found out. I was just hurt the other day. I still am, I'll get over it, I have to because I want to still be with you."
Regina's words were everything Emma needed. She hung on to them because that meant she wasn't leaving her. There was still something left to save after all. "I wish you were here." Emma said as she wiped at her tear stained face. "I wish I told you in person. I feel like a coward for not telling you sooner. I was so afraid you'd leave me."
"Well, I did leave you. It wasn't because I wasn't accepting of you, it was because I was confused and upset." She sighed. "I wish I was with you too. I can't lie and say everything's okay right now, but I care deeply for you and I don't want you to hurt, or to feel rejected."
"Be honest with me Regina, will I ever see you again? Don't give me false hope. I don't know if my heart can take being strung along. Do you really think you still want to be with me?"
There was a pause and faint static filled Emma's ears.
"Do you think you have room for one more at Thanksgiving?" Regina asked sweetly. "I think I want to meet your family and more than anything, I want to be there to reassure you that I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to stay. It may be a little rocky. I'm going to need you, at times, to help me understand things that I may not initially. I want to support you and be a part of your life."
For the first time in days, weeks even, Emma felt complete, again. "Thanksgiving is Thursday."
"Yeah, it is." She could feel the warmth in Regina's voice. "I'd very much so like to continue where we left off the other night, too."
"Are you sure about that?" Emma said in disbelief.
"I am. So long as you understand, I've never done something like this before and I may need you to be there for me, just like how I need to be there for you. Sex is very intimate and as long as we are both aware of each other's boundaries, then I think we'll be okay."
Emma smiled to herself, "I don't know how on Earth I got so lucky to have you."
Regina laughed on the other end of the line. "Well, I mean, I am quite the catch."
"You're so humble." Emma poked fun.
Regina chuckled, "Thanks for, you know, telling me everything about your past. I just wish we could have had this discussion sooner."
Emma couldn't believe how the conversation had shifted for the better. "Me too. I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I'll never keep anything from you like this again." Emma knew that was a promise she intended on keeping. Regina proved to be more understanding than she thought possible.
Regina's voice, so husky and deep, echoed through the phone. "So, I called you because I felt like it may be easier to talk this way. But, I'd love to video with you and maybe get some shut-eye together?"
"I'd love to." Emma said. "I'll call you in a few minutes. Sound good?"
"Sounds wonderful." Regina agreed.
When Emma hung up the phone, tears of joy rolled down her cheeks. For the first time in a long time, she felt comfortable in her own skin, accepted, and while the words were left unspoken, she felt loved. She felt loved by Regina and herself for being able to openly talk things through. It felt so scary and intimidating, but Regina was patient and really listened to her. She was honestly everything Emma had always hoped to find, but she was even more than that. It was at that moment, that Emma Swan knew, and fully accepted, that she was in love with Regina Mills.