Disclaimer: This chapter contains Emma dealing with gender dysphoria issues, self-loathing, and discussions of the risks involved with sexual reassignment surgery. This could trigger someone who is transgender.
Emma rolled over in a sleep induced haze. Disoriented, she wiped the drool from the side of her face and swatted at the nearby alarm next to their bed. It was blaring, and her hand knocked the annoying device right off their side table, onto the floor. Inevitably, Emma heard a long sigh from beside her following the loud crash, and then the rustling of their sheets.
"Did you have to break it?" Regina grumbled, fluffing her down pillow. She yawned, and Emma smiled in a 'please forgive me' kind of way. Let's just say, this wasn't the first alarm Emma had karate chopped, or swatted to the floor. It may have only been about a month since she had moved in, but she had settled right into her new home. It was painfully obvious that she wasn't a morning person, either. If the destruction of three prior clocks wasn't proof enough, then perhaps her inhuman groans prior to said destruction was.
"I, you know I didn't mean to. It just wouldn't shut up." Emma said with a raspy voice, turning over to look her girlfriend in the eyes. Sweetly she said, "Good morning, sunshine."
Regina snuggled closer into her pillow, their bed linens dropping down to her waist exposing her olive skin. "I don't feel like going to work today." She closed her eyes and started to drift off into a light slumber. It was officially Tuesday and Regina was expected back at work after their long, lazy weekend in bed together celebrating Valentine's day, the way couples should, by having a marathon of sex. It wasn't a question of how many times, but rather, for how long and where.
Emma smiled down at the sleeping form of the person she loved. The light trickled in through their curtains, and cast a glow onto Regina's skin. She was effortlessly beautiful, even with her hair tangled and the faint snore coming from her nose. No matter how many days she spent waking up to this woman, the view would never grow old. Emma leaned closer to her girlfriend and asked, albeit quietly, "Madam Mayor, are you saying, what I think you're saying?" She then let her fingers trace the length up Regina's arm. Her fingers itched to touch the other woman. Sometimes the distance was insufferable. While having the woman she loved only inches away within grasp, sometimes it wasn't enough. It felt like they might as well be miles apart, separated by all the states on the east coast all over again.
"Depends. What is it that you think I'm saying?" Regina's voice was soft, barely audible as she spoke into her overstuffed feather pillow. It seemed like those very feathers caught her words and trapped them in the soft down, absorbing and muffling them.
Emma couldn't remember a time where she had seen Regina this exhausted. Recently, her meetings at the office had been running longer, and there were more and more trips back to Bangor and now, Augusta. "Do you want to play hooky with me?" Emma asked.
And just like that, Regina had already fallen back to sleep. Emma took that as a sign. That her silence was a yes, she was going to play hooky with her. She reasoned that her girlfriend did need another day off from work. Emma took the liberty of texting Jeff to reschedule Regina's meetings and direct all calls to her voicemail. Sometimes, Regina just needed to take a break. If she didn't, who knows, maybe she'd get sick and then miss more than just one day at the office. At least, that was what Emma used as her reasoning. Who was she to kid, though? Another day in bed with her love; well, that sounded like heaven on Earth.
Emma slipped out of their bed, and went over to her dresser. She riffled through the different fabrics, mostly flannel, and grabbed her ratty old pajama bottoms with the cat pattern that August hated. Regina wasn't much of a fan either, but that was coming from the woman who wore silk to sleep. She basically was The First Lady, and there could be no comparison between them. It just wouldn't be fair.
Grabbing an old tank top, Emma quickly changed, slinking out of their room and down to the kitchen. Faint meows caught her attention. "Hey Weezy, did you sleep well?" Emma asked in a high pitched voice. "Want some food?"
She picked up the big fluffy, gray cat, scratching behind his ear, and playing with his tufts as she walked over to his food bowl and fed him a breakfast of champions: Fancy Feast. You know the kind, with extra fatty gravy and cheese. Regina tried to buy that boring crap, Science Diet for cats. It was the cat equivalent to salads. Emma, of course, vetoed that. Besides, Fancy Feast couldn't be that terrible.
"I think I'm going to make Regina eggs, whatcha think? Think I'll manage to not burn them this time?" She winced as she spoke to her pet. All she heard in return was him gobbling his food up. He acted like he hadn't eaten in days, which was a bit dramatic of the overweight cat.
"Well then, your silence makes me lean more towards no this time. Besides, Julia and I have been practicing," Emma said proudly to herself, and her cat. One too many days at home alone led to her watching the romcom Julie & Julia. Emma hated the ending, but she still ended up binge watching old vintage videos of Julia Child cooking.
"Maybe she'd like some fresh fruit?" Emma spoke to herself, trying to plan breakfast out loud. She grabbed a large orange and some fresh strawberries, along with a few eggs. Freshly squeezed orange juice, cut strawberries, and an omelet seemed effortless, yet delicious.
It only took fifteen minutes before Emma ascended the grand staircase with the meal, coffee included. She had to repeat in her head, 'must not fall' several times. Leave it to Emma to be the type to do something sweet, like breakfast in bed, and fall with it down the staircase.
Fortunately, that wasn't the case, at least not today. A day would come where that did happen because, she's Emma Swan, and not exactly known to be graceful. She peeked into their room to where the sleeping form of her girlfriend lay. "Regina, babe, wake up," she called sweetly with the tray in her hands.
A soft moan came from under the blankets. Seconds followed, and finally, a head popped up from underneath the linens. "What time is it?" Regina practically groaned, her voice husky.
"Uhm, I think it's around nine. I would have to put this down first to check. I kind of killed the alarm clock, again. Remember?" Emma reminded her, trying to jog Regina's memory, who clearly didn't remember waking up prior.
"Vaguely. I need to call Jeff; I can't remember the last time I was late to work." Regina said, sitting up in bed. She pulled the blankets up to conceal her modesty, but it was not like she needed to. There wasn't a place on her gorgeous body that Emma hadn't seen.
"Uhm, 'bout that. I may have already asked him to move your day around. I thought that you were too exhausted with the way you were acting this morning," Emma tentatively told her girlfriend.
"Oh," Regina replied as she reached for her black framed glasses. "I see. I wish you wouldn't have done that," she said calmly. "I suppose I don't blame you, though. I have been stretched rather thin recently."
Emma approached the bed and sat the tray down over Regina's lap. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep or anything. It's just, you were out of it this morning and I thought that maybe one more day at home wouldn't hurt. I talked to Jeff and he's holding down the fort at the office," she reassured. "What do you say, have breakfast with me? Maybe we can work on painting that room you were talking about earlier last week?" Emma asked, still trying to save face. The last thing she wanted was to upset Regina.
Regina looked down at the tray and smiled at her girlfriend's improved cooking skills. "This looks delicious." She picked up her fork and ate a fresh strawberry. She closed her eyes as she savored the burst of flavor. "Thanks for this. And don't worry, I'm not mad. There's just a lot of work recently, and tomorrow will just be longer."
Emma picked up her own fork and started eating. "So I was thinking the other day, how do you feel about hosting Thanksgiving this year," she asked, before taking a bite of her food. At Regina's response of a funny look, Emma added, "Don't give me that. I know you've got to be thinking it's too early, but my parents, well my dad really, needs to get time off work. And then there're flights that need to be planned. Plus, they're old and the whole process is better done in advance, rather than waiting till the last minute."
Regina blotted around her lips for the orange juice she just sipped. "On the contrary dear, I think it's a great idea. You should ask August too. I'll have my mother come here. Maybe we could even invite Graham and Jeff if they don't have family plans."
Emma smiled gratefully, quite pleased at the plans forming. "Awesome. I'll call my mom later. She's been dying to talk to me. I need to figure out some way of seeing her soon. Me being this far away is kind of a shock to her," she added. Pointing her fork over to Regina's plate in question, she inquired, "How's the omelet?"
"It's really good. When did you get better at cooking?" Regina asked, slightly confused. Emma previously had a few incidents in the kitchen that were rather alarming.
"I watched some YouTube videos with Julia Child. She was demonstrating how the French make their omelets. It's actually really interesting; it only sixty seconds to do. She added parsley, though. I couldn't find any in our fridge. I need to head down to the Farmers Market this weekend to get some fresh foods, and maybe I'll pick some up," Emma rattled on about foods and the different things she'd learned.
"Before I know it, you'll be the chef." Regina smiled down into her mug full of black coffee. "I also have no desire to paint walls today. Are you sure we can't hire someone for that?" she asked Emma. "I know some people in town."
"Babe, that's a waste of money. We can do it ourselves." Emma pointed her fork again at her girlfriend. "Besides, it's not like I'm doing anything. Might as well do it myself one day when you're at work."
When they finished breakfast, Emma moved the tray table off from the bed and laid down next to Regina. Regina had picked up the book, Guns, Germs, & Steel, from her bedside table and was holding it up close to her face as she read silently to herself. Annoyed, Emma kept vying for Regina's attention.
To Emma, if Regina was going to be home all day playing hooky, why not take full advantage of the little extra time together have a little more...fun? So, her fingers disappeared under their sheets and right between Regina's bare legs. If this wasn't a clear indication that she was interested in fooling around, then Emma had no idea what was.
It didn't take long for that damned book in Regina's hands to be discarded off to the side, along with her glasses. "Someone's needy this morning," she purred seductively, the same voice that caused all the baby hairs on Emma's body to stand up.
Emma moved the blanket off to the side so that she could lay on top of Regina. While she leaned on one elbow, she used her free hand to caress Regina's cheek. Then, she gently ran her fingers through Regina's dark hair and smiled down. "I may be needy, but it's not every day that Madam Mayor plays hooky. And I plan to take full advantage of that," Emma cheeked back, and tucked a tangly strand of dark hair behind Regina's ear where a small, green diamond stud sparkled. They were the light green ones custom set by Mr. Gold that she had given Regina for Valentine's day. The light entering from the curtain made it twinkle, the different edges and angles made radiant as they stood out in contrast against Regina's dark hair.
Emma leaned closer and kissed the outer shell of Regina's ear, and down the side of her neck. Feeling the woman below her shiver in response to her kisses, well, that was something remarkable. She'd never get over that she could make someone else come undone like that. Her free hand moved lower and stroked the sensitive skin by Regina's collar bone. That was one of Regina's favorite spots to not only be kissed but to be bitten. Sometimes, Emma would get a little too carried away and Regina would be forced to wear high-collared dresses and shirts for a week until the purple bruises faded.
"Take off those god-awful pants," Regina demanded, her hands already under the hem of Emma's tank top to bring it over her head.
Emma paused and slipped off her pajama bottoms, discarding them somewhere between the wrinkled sheets. In a swift, superwoman-like motion, Regina had flipped them so that Emma was on her back. "Whoa, since when did you get so strong?" Emma's laughter was cut off when Regina crashed their lips together.
"Shut up," she commanded, kissing Emma again with a smirk. Her teeth bit at Emma's lower lip, drawing a small amount of blood. Regina's tongue fought its way in between Emma's lips and that same metallic-like taste Emma always tasted during sex flooded her mouth. Her head lulled off to the side when Regina's lips trailed off towards her ear and whispered, "And make love to me." The way she said it caused Emma's toes to curl.
Regina's lips were sucking at her neck, and Emma could feel her body starting to pulsate with need. Her girlfriend had long become accustomed to Emma's body. She had fallen in love with Emma, and every aspect that made Emma who she was, now. She had mastered how to make Emma feel loved too, something that Regina had only been starting to learn all those months ago back in Orlando when everything was still new.
Emma hissed, sucking in air as Regina's hand gripped her, massaging the skin that begged to harden between her legs. "Come on. That's it," Regina coaxed as her hand worked to turn Emma on.
The warmth from the friction between them made Emma feel on the edge of a burning building. It was sensational and every breath Emma took, she was one step closer to an orgasm. It was also the way Regina's index finger played with the crown of her head that had her squirming from the bed. Her breaths were few and far in between as she panted out, trying to remember to breathe. Her emerald green orbs were lost behind the hood of her eyes as she succumbed to her building orgasm. Waves of pleasure that started at the tips of her toes and worked like an electric current through every vein, the wires, of her body.
It was in those final seconds that Regina released her hand, tortuously so, and replaced it with her own body, to effectively hold off Emma's orgasm. Feeling Regina's wet folds around her, moving against her, was a sensation Emma never wanted to forget.
"Open your eyes," Regina whispered as she leaned closer to Emma without slowing their pace. Regina's skin was already prickled with beads of sweat, and while that didn't catch Emma's immediate glance, what did made her heart sink. Those light green studs caught the morning light again and shined right into her glassy green irises.
When Regina's lips crashed into her own, Emma's moved right on along. The slick sounds of their movements tingled in her ears and the soft moan that escaped Regina's lips only amplified her senses. But her mind couldn't escape the luster of the shiny green studs. It felt burned and imprinted into the back of her eyelids.
Emma knew she gave the earrings to Regina when she should have given her the engagement ring. The reasoning behind her hesitance in getting the ring was because she didn't want to be caught in the in between, the gray area, of her gender transition. Emma wanted so desperately to be fully a woman, a transwoman, when she proposed. She wanted the memory of proposing to Regina to not be soured by her self-image debacle; when she felt like she was whole, when she no longer felt weak and torn over who she was. Her wish to be a confident woman, one that loved herself, brought her New Year's resolution to the forefront of her mind. She had to keep reminding herself that this year was the year to fall in love with herself. Regina was an intricate piece to that, but if she were a puzzle piece, Emma was the puzzle. She needed to solve how to put it all together. She knew that the missing piece was the surgery, and as August pointed out, she needed to confide in Regina about what Henry had told her.
Soft moans that traveled into the depths of her ear and bounced off her eardrum jolted Emma from her thoughts. She realized that she had been somewhere else, so far away from the moment, she should be in. Imprisoned in her headspace, she was fighting her fears when she ought to be loving the beautiful woman above her.
She couldn't, though. Emma felt her body begin to clam up and tense. She could feel bile rising in her chest, and her skin aching not to be touched. "St...stop," she wheezed.
But her strangled word wasn't heard. Regina was lost in orgasmic bliss, absorbed in her own feelings and unaware of the inner turmoil stewing below her.
Emma started feeling closed in, anger rising with each rock of their bodies. Along with it, guilt swelled at her ability to ruin what could be a beautiful moment because of her body issues. Her mind was hot-wired with self-loathing, and all she wanted was to be sucked up into a black hole. The warm friction and the sounds that she always found harmonic began to feel like torture. The metallic-like taste in her mouth turned poisonous, and those goddamn green studs twinkled once more. Combined with the tumultuous emotions, the very sight triggered her panic. She loved those fucking earrings, and she loved Regina wearing them, but they struck as a reminder of Emma's weakness. She thought she could never be the woman she wanted to be; the woman she needed to be before she could devote her life to Regina in the ways they both desired.
"Baby..." Emma cried out and trembled, trying to get a handle on the situation. She hated herself for stopping Regina, as was painfully obvious she was in the middle of an orgasm. Feeling responsible for ruining everything, one loose tear slid down Emma's cheek. That's when everything stopped moving.
"Emma?" Regina gasped out in a startled, but concerned tone. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" she asked, sliding off her body to lay beside her.
Emma covered her face, mortified from the sudden loss of Regina's warmth. This had never happened before, not even with Lily. Emma's heart bled with so much pain and love, causing it to be difficult to untangle her thoughts, and even know where to start. "I, I… I love you. It's just, I, I can't. I'm." Emma stuttered. "We...we need to talk."
Regina recoiled from those four words. It was unnerving to Emma, who realized belatedly the idiotic choice of words. They were the words normally used before the big break up speech. That's far from where Emma's mind was. In all actuality, she was consumed with a hunger to fix her self-confidence issues so that she could propose properly to the woman she loved.
"No, I… that's not how I meant it." Emma tried to explain again. She sat up trying to calm her own panic and hold back the bile from their morning breakfast, along with god knows what else. "We just need to talk about something. I, I need to talk to you because something is bothering me. I mean, that's what couples do, right? I just need you to hear me out and be there for me. I'm not used to this, sharing things," she admitted, pulling the blanket up over her chest before looking into Regina's fearful brown eyes.
"Okay..." Regina replied, tentatively. "What's wrong?"
Emma sighed and looked down at her hands that were twisting in her lap. "Okay. I know it's inopportune, I felt uncomfortable-"
Regina cut her off. "I made you feel uncomfortable?" she winced.
Emma looked at her through knitted brows, and could see the shame written all over her girlfriends face. "No, it wasn't you," Emma assured, grabbing at Regina's dainty hands. "It's all me." She pointed towards her head. "I've recently become a little more self-conscious about my body."
"How? I thought the move and with me-"
"Regina." It was Emma's turn to cut her off. "I need you to know, this has nothing to do with you," she repeated. "You've been nothing but wonderful and loving. I feel at home here. I have fallen so in love with this place; it's home, you're my home." Emma motioned around her and squeezed Regina's hands for further emphasis. "But, baby, gender dysphoria, it's a real thing. I can take these hormone pills for the rest of my life and look the way that I do, but it doesn't fix what's really wrong with me. It doesn't change what I see, or how I feel. I can't force myself to be okay like this." Emma's almost tearful explanation caused Regina to frown. "Back in December, you remember the day your dad asked me to go up to the black diamond?"
Regina nodded, "Yeah, I remember, your ski's popped off in the middle of the slope and you lost your poles amongst other things."
"Yeah, I basically snowballed down the mountain. I thought for sure I was going to die. Going back up to get everything wasn't better," Emma shivered in memory. "So that day, when your dad and I took the ski lift up, he told me that he knew someone he wanted to connect me to. It was a surgeon who would do it for him as a favor. He told me to think about it. I went home and jumped back into work. I figured I was close to moving to Maine anyways and after I would take him up on the offer," she explained, carefully.
"But, you couldn't because he died," Regina said softly.
Emma nodded. "I didn't know what to say or do. Not only did I lose Henry, someone I regarded as a father-like figure, but the potential of getting the surgery done sooner rather than later."
Regina pulled her hands away from Emma, and instead pulled her into a hug. "You should have come to me sooner if this was bothering you this much," she whispered into Emma's ear. When they detached from the embrace, Regina began thinking out loud. "If my father offered, I'm sure it still stands. We just need to reach out to my mother. One never did something without the other knowing."
"Are you sure?" Emma asked. "I don't want you to feel put on the spot or anything."
"I don't. I just wish I knew sooner, that's all. I hate you feeling so alone in all of this. You aren't anymore. You have me and I'll do anything for you." Regina took in a deep breath. "So I don't know much about the surgery. Besides, well the obvious," she pointed out.
"What do you want to know?" Emma asked. She had spent her entire young adulthood obsessed with the surgery. As such, she was practically a walking encyclopedia full of knowledge.
It also dawned on Emma that her panic had subsided. Confiding in Regina caused every ounce of self-loathing and all the destructive thoughts to dissipate.
"What are the risks? I mean, it's a pretty big surgery. I can imagine there're risks involved. Do...can people die?" Regina worried.
"All surgeries have risks," Emma stated matter-of-factly. "I mean, it's as simple as I could react wrongly to the anesthesia. Hell, some poor girl died in California a few years ago just getting her tonsils removed because she had a bad reaction," she pointed out. "It was a big thing in the news. It just makes everyone aware that no surgery has zero risks."
"Don't say it like that. I can't stand the thought of something happening to you. It breaks my heart," Regina said, her dark eyes sad.
"Nothing is going to happen to me," Emma told Regina as if it was the truest statement in the universe. "Do you understand me?"
"You can't promise that," Regina argued back.
Emma knew Regina was right, and sighed. She couldn't promise to be fine. The odds, however, were in her favor. She knew that, and just needed Regina to believe it, too. She didn't want her to worry.
"You're right." Emma backed tracked. "I can't. We don't know when our time is. For all we know, I could be driving to the Farmers Market this weekend for that parsley and skid on some black ice and that would be that." Emma gestured with her hands. "Same for you - you could be on your way into work, and a tree of all things falls onto that tiny car you drive."
Emma studied the concerned eyes of her lover as she continued. "But, one thing is for sure, if I do ever die before I'm old and standing two inches shorter, there is nothing more that I loved in this world than you. You, Regina Mills… you're what I live for. This surgery, it's all I've ever wanted. Gender dysphoria, it's a maddening thing. I, I can't explain how it really feels, but just imagine if you were forced to be something you weren't. You wouldn't like that too much, right?" Emma asked.
Regina shook her head silently no in response.
"So if you were given a chance to fix it, you would, despite if there was a small risk of mortality, right?" Emma watched as Regina nodded her head before speaking again. "I just know, it will help me be better, help me love better. I just want to be my best person for you."
"I'm not trying to be insensitive," Regina said, deflated. "I know you're trying."
"You're not, I promise. I know this is hard," Emma swallowed back saliva, made thick by the rising tension as her throat grew dry. "Listen, the biggest risk of death is usually not even related to the actual surgery. More often, people commit suicide. Sometimes the surgery doesn't change the mental battles that people like me fight. Their body may finally look like how they feel, but sometimes there's more going on that goes undetected. That's why they make you go through extensive psychological evaluations beforehand."
Emma picked up Regina's hands and brought them to her lips for a kiss. "One thing you never need to worry about is that. No matter what happens, I would never leave you like that, I swear it," she promised with the utmost sincerity.
Regina nodded and leaned her head down onto Emma's chest.
As she relaxed back into their pillows, Emma traced lazy circles on Regina's skin with the pads of her fingers. "I could get an infection, or have to go back for some follow-up surgeries. Those are the two risks I face most."
"How long will it take to heal?" Regina asked softly against Emma's bare chest.
"I think it's about two months. It's a big surgery, and there's no telling if I will feel a lot of pain in that time, or if I will get an infection. It just depends on my body's chemistry," Emma rambled as she played with Regina's skin. It was becoming mind numbing as she rattled on the different things to Regina. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, considering her mood a short while ago.
Finally, it was all out in the open. While the talk stemmed from Emma losing control of her emotions, it felt good... really good, to confide fully in Regina. She was the most important person in her life besides her parents, and having her listen and ask questions made this all too real.
"I'll call my mother later and see if we can have lunch later in the week in Providence. She's teaching now, so it's harder for her to come up here," Regina told Emma.
"Is this really happening?" Emma wondered out loud, longing evident in the way her words spilled into the air. She was completely in shock.
"Yes. No matter what happens, you're getting this surgery." Regina picked her head up from Emma's chest and looked her square in the eyes. "Whatever it takes for you to feel at peace with yourself. I love you."
"I love you too."
Emma held up her iPhone and extended her arm outwards. The phone rang several times before her mother's face came on the screen, except it was upside down. The struggles of a dealing with a parent, who was almost a senior citizen, were real. Emma knew that was being dramatic, but her mother was, at least, an AARP member.
Mary Margaret's voice carried through the phone, "What's wrong with this darn thing? Why's your face upside down?" she asked, seriously confused.
"Mom. Turn the phone around," Emma instructed monotonously.
"Remember, I taught you how to use a spoon," her mother said pointedly. "There. Now I can see you, my little honeybee. Whatcha know good?"
"Oh, nothing. I just finished shoveling the snow in our driveway. I called about Thanksgiving, actually. I was thinking of having it up here this year. What do you think?"
"Are y'all kidding me? Your father and I would love to come up there. I'll let him know to get enough days off work." Her mother smiled, but it was soon replaced with a puzzled look. "Oh, but I don't know how to book the flights. I've never flown before."
"It's okay. That's why we are planning sooner rather than later. I will have Jeff, Regina's assistant, find you some options. Looks sunny outside. I miss that." Emma smiled back, remembering the sensation of the warm sun on her face.
"Well, I mean, we didn't settle down in Miami for no reason. Your father and I love the beach and the sun," Mary Margaret explained.
"I know. I miss that, too. Apparently we have beaches, but they are nothing like the ones in Florida," Emma chuckled.
"I can imagine. How's Regina doin'?"
"She's doing well. She's been busy with work. Her meetings recently have been up in Bangor and Augusta, so she's pretty exhausted. She's actually upstairs reading a really boring book or napping, I'm not sure which. In about fifteen minutes, I'm going to take her a cup of coffee."
"You've been taught well!" Mary Margaret chortled.
"Yeah, well I learned from the best. How's dad?"
Emma's mother smiled again. She was sitting on her back patio, the sun was just bright enough to make her eyes squint. "Oh, you know, same old, same old. He got me a new butterfly house for the backyard for Valentine's day. Our old one got attacked by those damn, devilish squarls. The other day, your father was out there with a BB gun shootin' at them. I wonder if that's even legal," she laughed.
It was good getting to talk to her mom. This was the first time they got to FaceTime. Last week her parents went out and got their first iPhones. Before, they still had those old flip phones from the early two thousands that could withstand anything. Her mother went on about her father falling in the lake while fishing last weekend, and that got Emma laughing. After the emotional morning, this was exactly what she needed: her mother.