I turn and fly out of the room heading downstairs to where Alice is sat in a large chair in the den.
"Alice what did you see " I demand as I sit in the chair next to her
She looks at me horrified. "The wedding. It just went so very blury as if a decision is starting to erase it. I don't know what could be causing it"
She looks at me and sees a part confused part scared and part guilty expression
"It's you" she half yells. "Your considering cancelling the wedding. Why?! What's going on"
Her cry brings jasper running. Jasper sends a wave of calm to Alice who is hyperventilating which is rather a feat for a vampire. He shuts the door to give us some privacy (the den is sound proofed even to vampire ears) then he turns his attention to me. He reads my emotions for a few seconds then he frowns, he's blocking his thoughts but I can tell from his face that he dosent like what he feels from me.
"Your emotions are in turmoil doubt, fear, panic, and" he pauses unsure "love it doesn't fit with the others but its deffinately love but it's two lots of love You are feeling love growing but also love dying. It dosent make sence how they can exist together in one person What is going on Edward?"
I don't know what to say but I am saved from trying when Alice speaks before I can.
"The wedding is fading he is choosing to Cancel he is almost sure. I can't see why." she pauses thinking. "you said love growing." then turns back to me
"Wait.. Edward are you falling for someone else?!"
I look at the door to check it is properly shut, it is good. We built This room soundproofed by by vampire standards when we arrived here so we would have somewhere for private conversations.
Alice and jasper are looking at me expectantly. My shoulders slump and I look at the floor
"I don't understand this myself at the minute guys, it all happened really suddenly"
" come on Edward" Alice encourages "we are your family u can tell us"
"Ok" I say and still looking at the floor I tell them everything. They listen in silence not interrupting. When I am done I can't look up. Jasper speaks first
"We'll that explains the emotions."
"What are you going to do " Alice demands
"I don't know. After how I felt when I saw bella I know that I have changed, that my love for bella is gone, that now I have recognised my feelings for Carlisle I can't ignore them. The only fair thing to bella is to call off the wedding. But I can't tell Carlisle how I feel. He wouldn't understand it would hurt him, and esme. It would make things weird."
I looked at them suddenly intense "please Promise you won't tell anyone any of this?"
"Of course we won't you can trust us. " they both reply.
" but u need to figure out what your going to do" Alice pointed out,", I mean if you do cancel the wedding your going to have to tell bella something."
"I know but I have to think all this through. Just keep it under your hats for now"
"Of course"
"Thanks. I'm going for a run I need to clear my head"
I rush out of the room and through the kitchen. I don't see Carlisle standing in the kitchen worry colouring his features and I don't notice him quietly call to Alice.
I race though the woods as fast as I can throwing all my anger and frustration into my run. I'm going so fast that I actually have to watch where I am going it effectively stops me thinking about everything else for a little while, When all my frustration is used up and I am so far away from the house that nobody would hear me no after how loud I yelled i slow and stop. I lean against a tree. And stare up into the branches for a good 5 minutes.
Edward you are an idiot. I say aloud to myself. Why do you have to realise that you love him why couldn't u have realised it before you met bella or not at all. and why realise it now of all times your supposed to be getting married in two weeks, worst timing in the world. I briefly consider that at least realising it now is better that realising it after the wedding but that fact doesn't make me feel any better. I bang my head back hard against the tree behind me, it does of hurt me but the tree groans.
Dammit Edward Why did you have to fall In Love with Carlisle at all I shout at myself. I lean my head back against the tree more gently this time but a second later I snap upright
I can hear movement. I look towards the sour e of the sound and Carlisle steps through the trees shock and something i can't name are evident in his features. My mind is buzzing to much right now for me to hear what he is thinking but it is obvious from his face and his proximity that He heard me.
He quickly recovers himself and his face returns to his usual calm expression.
"Alice told me your considering cancelling the wedding"
I look at the ground
"Yes I think I have to"
"Why"
"You just heard why"
"When did you realise"
"This morning. When I saw u kissing Esme. It just his me that's why I rushed out of the room I went to the library to think, I tried to deny it but I couldn't I tried to bury it again but I couldn't do that either"
"Edward" he began but I interrupted
"Let me speak Carlisle. "
He went silent and waited.
" I know nothing will change. I know nothing can change. I don't expect it to. You have your mate and I understand that. I respect that. I'm not going to try and mess with that "
He interrupts suddenly "Then why cancel the wedding "
"Because its the only way to be fair to her. because when I walked into my room and saw her I realised that the love I felt for her had gone. These feeling that have been buried so long have overtaken me. I can't feel anything else right now. Maybe in time I can quell them, subdue them and bury them away again and then maybe I will find a mate but not now"
I looked up and carlisle was looking towards the ground the expression on Carlisle's face was unreadable. I focused my mind and searched his thoughts for an explanation but he was, filling the front of his mind with Arabic poetry to block me out, and what I could reach of the thought behind was jumbled I couldn't make sense of it. I could only catch vague ideas. Pain worry and indecision. He was fighting with himself he was trying to decide something but I had no clue what. Perhaps he was deciding what to do about the situation, maybe he was going to ask me to leave, I didn't want that, I wanted to stay here, he and the others are my family no matter what. I tried to reassure him
"Carlisle I will be ok. Don't worry I know you don't return these feelings I don't expect you to. I know I am a son to you."
That caused a reaction. His head snapped up. Eyes boring into mine. I couldn't look away. His thoughts still warred but then suddenly he was calm. he had made a decision but he was hiding it from me. His eyes took on a look of resolve.
"You don't know anywhere near as much as you think you do" he whispered quietly. "I have never seen you as my son. You have been my companion my student my confidant and my friend but never my son." He paused looking at the ground again. Then continued without raising his head.
"It's time for you to know the truth..." he whispered "watch" and he started to show me memories. Beginning with the first time he saw me.