The winter break has come and gone, and soon, Benji finds himself back at Georgia State, breathing in the fresh air of liberation. It's the end of January, which means winter is still upon them, the days slipping quickly into nights and staying as such for far longer than is welcome, the prevalence of SAD awash across the entirety of campus; but life goes on.
Benji enters the overcrowded student center, for once dressed appropriately for the weather, observing as many of his peers gather in groups to catch up or to have the first club meetings of the semester. A cacophony of voices rips through the air, loud enough to almost overwhelm his eardrums; he's saved only by the sound of music blaring in his ears (he picked heavy metal today, which he realizes had been an ideal option). Hands in his pockets, he treks across the carpeted hall, face lighting up when he sees Lake across the way in the spot where they had agreed to meet, with Fee curled up in a seat beside her staring down at something on the table.
"Hey, Lake. Hey, Fee. What's up?" Benji says, removing his earbuds as he arrives and sits down at the table across from Lake.
"Oh, hey, Benji! How was your break?" Lake asks, rising from her seat to pull him into a hug. Her normally pale skin has taken on a golden hue.
"I have to go. My uh… chicken laid too many eggs and she's freaking out because she can't count over six," Fee babbles, avoiding eye contact with Benji and rising to their feet before running out through the nearest doors.
"What's gotten into them?" Benji asks once Fee has gone, raising an eyebrow and jutting a thumb over his shoulder in Fee's direction as they disappear. "I didn't know they had a chicken. Or that you're even allowed to have one on campus..."
Lake shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe they got one over the break," she says, waving her hands. "But anyway… you didn't answer my question."
"Well… my break was boring and shitty, as usual. I just worked the whole time," Benji says with a sigh, but his expression transforms into a triumphant grin as he leans across the table. "Buuut, Victor and I did work things out at least. Turns out we live pretty close to each other, so we just happened to run into each other and voila."
"Okay, look at you, solving all your problems!" Lake replies, impressed.
"How 'bout you?"
"You won't believe this, but… Mia's parents took us all on a cruise to the Bahamas and it was everything. I think at this point my blood is like at least 90% lobster. But oh my god. Here, look," she says, pulling out her phone.
"I saw your posts on insta, it seems really cool," Benji muses, rolling his eyes.
"Maybe so, but I'll show you again," Lake snaps, and Benji obliges her.
"And this is from when we went swimming with pigs, they were so adorable. This one's name was Mildred and she was honestly a queen. We stan," Lake says as she swipes through her album and shows off a selfie she'd taken with Mia, the light pink and black pig sitting between them as they hold coconuts with colorful straws and paper umbrellas poking out of them.
"Aww, I'm glad you guys had fun," Benji says, forcing a smile. "Listen, did you talk to Mia about… us, by any chance?" he asks, trying to change the subject.
"So… about that…" Lake says, pocketing her phone again with a scowl. "You hurt her feelings, B."
"Well, she hurt mine, too," Benji says, bristling, before he takes a deep breath and then exhales. "But I kinda gathered that. I guess I don't really know why she's so mad at me."
"Do you really need me to spell it out for you, Einstein?" Lake asks, blunt.
"I mean… it would be helpful, yeah. I'm not a mindreader."
"Sometimes, you can be a real himbo... I honestly thought you were one of the good ones. Fine," Lake grumbles, muttering under her breath: "Why are men so useless?"
"Yes, I'm aware my gender is trash. I'm not gonna say 'not all men', but please just help me out here," Benji says, exasperated.
"Okay, well, you can start by acknowledging the fact that you accused her of being jealous of Victor—which I'll remind you is really stupid and doesn't make any sense—when she was just looking out for you so you don't get your heart broken, again," Lake says, as if she'd rehearsed her lines a hundred times in advance.
Benji looks down at the table, where his hands fidget with the corner of a napkin, and he swallows the lump in his throat. "Yeah, that was stupid of me, you're right."
"And another thing, instead of talking to her after the little incident in your drawing class—"
"I replaced her… with Ruth."
"Bingo. Now, do I need to spoon-feed you more?"
"No, I got it. I should have just tried to fix things instead of… sleeping with Alan. God, he's such a dick. But yeah… Mia was… right."
"Of course she was," Lake says, flipping her blonde waves over her shoulder and adjusting her green beret.
"She really got under my skin, though. But I shouldn't have taken it out on her and then basically just abandoned her. I should have listened to her advice," Benji says, burying his face in his forearms as he collapses into a heap with his arms crossed on the table. "Do you know where she is now? I wanna go talk to her," he says, tilting his head so his chin smushes forward and rests atop his crossed pile of limbs.
"Uhh… she said something about a film class? So maybe try the art building?" Lake says, gesturing vaguely. "I don't know, I'm not her keeper. Just text her."
Groaning, Benji withdraws his phone from his pocket and scrolls through his messages until he arrives at the one titled '?Bestie?￢ﾀﾙ. His fingers hover over the keys for a long moment as Lake watches.
He finally settles on: "Hey, are you free? Can we talk? ?" and sends it as soon as he finishes constructing the sentence because he knows if he waits any longer, he'll chicken out and overthink it.
"I guess I'll go to the art building now, but thank you, Lake," Benji says, resigned, as he rises from his seat and throws his bag over his shoulder. "I really just wanna solve this so we can just go back to being friends again."
"Good luck, but I've got my eye on you, pretty boy," Lake says as she narrows her eyes with a short wave.
"Thanks, I'll need it. Bye," Benji says. He doesn't wait for a reply as he darts out the door and weaves around a group of jocks tossing a football around between each other.
For once, Benji is too focused to pay attention to the fact that the guys are wearing really tight shirts that show off the rippling of their muscles with each movement. He has more important things on his mind, the prospect of reigniting his friendship with Mia weighing so heavily on him that he feels like he'll break through the crust of the earth and end up with the bottoms of his feet scorched by the mantle.
"Um… my cabbages are… teething," comes Fee's voice from nearby, and when Benji looks up, he sees Fee jumping as they very obviously turn away and run in the opposite direction. Benji raises an eyebrow before continuing onward.
As he approaches the art building, the late-January air bouncing off his overexerted form, he shoves the door open with his side only to hear a loud thud and a shriek leap out from behind it.
"Shit! I'm so sorry!" Benji says quickly as he enters, pausing as the door bangs closed behind him. Shaking his head to clear it, Benji approaches and holds out his hand.
"Oh. It's you," Mia says, voice flat as she averts her gaze. She smacks away his outstretched hand and rubs her forehead before pushing herself up to her feet and brushing herself off.
"Did you get my message?" Benji asks, crestfallen, as he watches her.
"What do you want, Benji?"
"Are you free now? I wanted to… apologize," Benji says, picking at his cuticles.
"Was that it? Can I go? I have things to do."
"Mia… please. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you and I'm sorry I made you feel like I was trying to replace or abandon you. And I'm sorry for just being a generally shitty friend," Benji says, eyebrows weaving together as he pleads. "Seriously. I could never replace you. I know it's not an excuse but I think the fact that you were right once again made me really desperate to prove you wrong. Can we please be friends again? I miss you."
For a moment, Mia's glare seems to grow even icier, cold enough to solidify and pierce him through the belly, and Benji knows it would be worth it just to see her expression dissipate, so he can see her smile at him again instead of looking like she wanted to strangle him every time she looks at him. And then her face softens, and she exhales as the tiniest of smiles sprouts on her lips.
"I'm sorry I uninvited you to my Christmas party," Mia says quietly, taking a step closer. "And… the thing I'm most sorry for is for saying that you wouldn't have friends without—"
"Don't worry about it," Benji says, bridging the gap between her and pulling her into an embrace, relaxing as he feels her arms around his back.
She kisses his cheek gently before they separate, then dabs at the corner of her eye with the sleeve of her hoodie as Benji does the same.
"I regretted it as soon as I said it, but I was so irritated and my ego was so bruised that I couldn't stop myself. And… I was being genuine but maybe part of me was actually a little jealous of how much time you would be spending with someone else who wasn't me but like, you're allowed to have other friends who aren't me… There's no excuse. It was just mean and unnecessary," Mia says, rubbing Benji's arm gently.
"No, I get it. You're always gonna be my best friend, and I should listen to you more because I know you're only looking out for me. I think I was just… frustrated. Because… well. I like Victor, Mia," Benji says, staring at the ground as his face heats up.
"Wait, you're still seeing him?" Mia asks, eyes widening as she adjusts her bag on her shoulder.
"It's… a little complicated," Benji says, hesitating.
"Well, tell me about it. We have a few months of catching up to do," Mia says with a grin, wrapping her arm around Benji's elbow and leading them outside again. The salt that had been in the wound washed away, replaced with a panacea so it can finally heal.
As they walk, Benji fills Mia in on the details, holding back a bit at first, but then, when the dam of self control crumbles, he finds his words trickling out more freely, hands gesticulating, his entire being becoming more animated with each passing moment and with each giggle that falls from Mia's lips. His chest fills with the glowing sensation of fondness, the bud that had wilted in the past months blooming and coming to life once again as if the power of the sun had cast itself upon them both and reinvigorated their friendship. In a way, it had.
"I guess like… aside from that one time when I invited Victor over to talk because my parents and I got into a whole thing, I guess I'm… trying to figure out how to move things along. Like, we both agreed to be friends but like… I really like him, Mia. I even deleted Grindr. See?" Benji says, holding up his phone and swiping through the pages of applications where, lo and behold, Grindr was nowhere to be found.
"Wow, you deleted Grindr," Mia says sarcastically, before returning to her normal tone. "But damn, this must be serious."
"I can't even look at Leo and imagine what I want him to do to me because all I see is Victor's stupid pretty face," he groans, his own cheeks flushing.
"Hmm… I thought you weren't looking for a relationship?"
"I mean, I wasn't. You know I have a lot of other priorities. But like… I don't know, maybe it was also me thinking that I wouldn't be able to handle it. You know how high-maintenance Derek was, and we weren't even technically dating."
"Interesting point… Actually, now that you mention it, you do seem like you're not as stressed out with Victor as you were with Derek."
"Really?"
"Mhm. From what you told me, Victor seems like… he's not about drama, he's sweet, he's kind, thoughtful, considerate, good in bed… everything Derek wasn't. Even when you complained about him it was because he was too good but once you got over it, things seemed like smooth sailing. Like he could be exactly what you need. Someone who respects you and who's… stable."
For a moment, Benji purses his lips in thought. He hadn't even considered that, but as usual, Benji can't deny that Mia is especially correct in this situation. "Huh… that makes a lot of sense. But also like… I don't know where to go from here and I don't think he does, either."
"Okay, well… I might have an idea, then," Mia says, tapping her chin. She stops them in the middle of the sidewalk, and a group of people swears at them as they go around; Mia pulls them both off to the side, stepping over twigs and brush as they stand among the trees. "It's the first week of school so it shouldn't be too busy for any of us… What if I had a little get together at mine and Lake's place? I'll invite you and Victor, and maybe Andrew and Fee?"
Benji opens his mouth and then closes it again; after a moment, he finally says: "I like the idea but… I don't know what's up with Fee lately. I feel like they might be avoiding me?"
"Why do you think that?"
"I don't know. They were sitting with Lake and got up and left as soon as I sat down with the two of them, and then on my way over, they literally ran away from me. Both times they made up some preposterous excuse. It was… weird. Even by Fee standards."
"You're sure you didn't do anything to them?"
"Yeah, I'm sure I would—Oh no," Benji says, voice dropping, a sense of dread bursting through his entire nervous system like a continuous pump of black sludge threatening to drown him from the inside.
"What happened?" Mia asks, waving a hand in front of Benji's face.
"I figured out what I did," Benji says, digging the heels of his hands into his eye sockets and leaning over. "It's because I kissed Andrew."
"You what?" Mia cries.
A flock of birds erupts into the sky with a chorus of flaps that make Benji's sense of foreboding even heavier, more raw, as if another word would carve chunks of meat from his bones.
"When I broke things off with Victor, Andrew came back a few minutes later and he was trying to comfort me, I… I didn't know what to do so I kissed him. I swear, I didn't want to sleep with him, I was just… I don't know. I don't know what I wanted but he was there and I just… yeah none of this makes me look good. God, I'm so dumb," Benji says, running his hand down his face. "He was literally just trying to be my friend."
"That's so fucking messy."
"I know. I'm… trying not to be. But I apologized and Andrew was surprisingly cool about it, although I guess it's good he told Fee. He's a trustworthy guy, but… I bet Fee hates me now."
"Maybe when we all get together you guys can… talk about it?" Mia suggests after a moment's pause, her face hopeful. "They probably don't hate you but I can imagine it's sorta… difficult to face the person who kissed your boyfriend. I know it's kinda on-brand but… it makes you look like a homewrecker."
"Yeah… I don't wanna be a homewrecker anymore. My days of sleeping with other people's boyfriends are over. Starting now," Benji says with an air of finality.
"That's what I like to hear," Mia says with a laugh. "So… how about this Friday night, my place, around nine? I'll send out a group message. It'll just be a nice quiet time, no loud music, no hooliganism, just a group of friends hanging out and watching zombies rip people's faces off."
"Okay that actually sounds really fun," Benji says, grinning mischievously. "Victor's not a horror fan, though, so maybe he'll bury himself in my arms and I can protect him."
"Cuuute, I ship it," Mia says in a sing-song voice, pulling out her phone and tapping around. A moment later, Benji's phone dings.
"You're so efficient," Benji says, withdrawing his phone and staring down at the screen, where the notification tells him he has a message from Mia. He opens it and sees that, as he expected, she'd written a little invitation for them with all the information.
"I'm not student council president for nothing," Mia says with a wink.
Chuckling, Benji leans against Mia's smaller form, delighting in the fact that they're now on good terms again. But their moment is interrupted about thirty seconds later when both Benji's and Mia's phones ding in tandem as their other friends send their RSVPs to the group chat.
"Shit, it's getting late," Mia says suddenly, looking up from her phone. "I just remembered I had class in a few minutes."
"Oh, don't let me keep you, then."
"I'm glad you literally ran into me today, though."
"Me, too. I'm glad we worked things out," Benji says with a smile. "See you Friday?"
"Yeah, see you then! Love you, bestie! Bye!" Mia says, waving, before she bounds off across the sidewalk toward one of the other buildings on campus.
Benji feels far lighter than he had only a half hour ago, free of the burden growing out of his back like a calathea with all its diseased leaves; all he had to do was prune them so the plant can be revived, stronger than ever before. He wishes he'd done it sooner, but now is better than never.
He pops his earbuds in and slides his hands into the pockets of his jacket as he makes his way back to his dorm, humming along to some peaceful acoustic music. When he arrives in his room, he greets Andrew, feeling self-conscious, then sheds his jacket and shoes and plops backward into his bed. With a crooked smile, he stares at the ceiling, praying Friday would come sooner.
—-
Standing in front of his closet with a towel wrapped around his waist, Benji brushes his damp hair out of his eyes as he scans his clothing options. Face heating up, he suddenly feels as if he'd forgotten every bit of fashion advice he'd ever accumulated, mind blanking on something as simple as throwing an outfit together. The image of Victor burning itself into his brain proves to make this task almost impossible and so he takes a deep breath. Clearing his mind, he tries again.
After a few moments of thought, he picks something out. He'd learned his lesson from last semester, opting for a simple black cropped hoodie with checkered sleeves and ripped jeans—and he would inevitably wear his thick, fur-lined leather jacket, so he could be cute but comfortable and most importantly, warm. After the month he'd spent at home, he knows now more than ever that he can't afford to be sick or to jeopardize his position again.
Humming to himself, he glances over his shoulder to see Andrew lying on his bed, phone hovering over his face as he scrolls through something that's clearly more engaging than Benji, which he's grateful for nonetheless. He shuffles back into the bathroom to slip into his outfit and style his hair before exiting and checking the time on his own phone. 8:50.
They have a bit of time before they need to leave to be at Mia's, since Benji doesn't want to be too early, and he tries to calm his racing heart with some more deep breathing exercises. He has nothing to worry about, but the sensation of his chest compressing against his will, squeezing his bronchi together, has no place when he's meant to be meeting with friends. Fidgeting with his hands for a moment, Benji then reaches out and unplugs his phone from the charger.
"You ready to go over?" Benji asks, rising from his bed and slipping his arms into his jacket and his feet into his shoes.
"Yeah, let's go," Andrew replies, leaping right up from his bed and following after Benji. "Fee said they'll meet us there," he adds.
Sighing in relief, Benji shoves his hands into his pockets as they make their way out of the building and into the cool night air, walking side by side, elbows brushing gently. He still feels that familiar sensation of lead pooling in the pit of his stomach whenever he's around Andrew, and as they walk together in silence, the awkwardness palpable, Benji wants nothing more than for wings to sprout from his back and carry him to Mia's so he can escape.
"Hey, Andrew. I have a question," Benji ventures, staring straight ahead. He immediately feels two darts on the side of his face.
"Hm?"
"You told Fee about what happened the day before break… right?"
"Yeah. Are you upset? They had a right to know."
"No, I'm just… curious. That explains why they were avoiding me all week," Benji says, sighing in defeat.
"They don't really know how to deal with conflict," Andrew acknowledges, turning his eyes toward the sky. "I don't know if you noticed, but Fee is terrible at being angry at people. They tried roasting me once in high school and told me I was a giant. Like, they actually thought it would hurt my feelings."
Benji chuckles despite himself, but a moment later his face falls and he chews his lip, guilt written across his features. "Well… I do wanna make things right with them. I feel bad. Like obviously I wasn't trying to steal you or anything."
"I guess it's different hearing it from me and it's different having to actually see you. Like, they do know about… two semesters ago, and even though they trust me I guess it's like… maybe they don't trust you?"
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Benji presses his lips together. "That's even more of a reason why I should talk to them, though. Like, maybe I should just reassure them? Because they are my friend and I don't wanna turn them into an enemy."
"No, I get it. They're too nice to tell you to fuck off but they were pissed when they found out."
"Thanks," Benji says sarcastically as they walk up the stoop outside of Mia and Lake's house. He rings the doorbell.
The door opens, and Fee stands there, as if Benji and Andrew's conversation had summoned them. Fee's pupils go wide and they scramble to put their shoes on as Benji and Andrew enter, the door falling closed behind them.
"I just remembered I left the stove on," Fee cries, panicking, as they attempt to slip out the door, only for Andrew to stop them with a hand on their chest.
"Hey, babe. Relax," Andrew says, kissing them gently on the lips and guiding them back inside. "Benji wants to talk to you so please don't run away again."
"Benji, Andrew! You guys are right on time," Mia says, padding through the corridor on the left-hand side into the foyer and offering the two newcomers hugs, before opening the closet and motioning for them to hang their jackets up within. "Fee was just telling me about this weird cocktail that uses scorpion venom which sounds awesome. I just put out some drinks so help yourselves. None of them have venom in them, though, unfortunately."
"Thanks for having us," Benji says with a chuckle as he kicks his shoes off, glancing to the side to see Fee inching closer to the exit again.
"Hey! I could go for some whiskey, I'm not driving," Andrew says with a shrug as he takes Fee by the hand, whispering something into their ear.
"Andrew, can you join me in the kitchen, please?" Mia says, motioning knowingly and disappearing around the corner.
"Sure thing, Mia," Andrew says as he unclamps Fee from himself and follows.
"I'm coming, too," Fee says.
"No, you aren't," Mia warns.
A heavy, silent tension weighs upon Benji and Fee, neither of them able to look the other in the eye. But Benji knows he has to break it or else nothing will amount from this. He leans against the door.
"You've been avoiding me," Benji says, a statement more than an accusation.
"No, I'm just… super busy this semester," Fee says, almost tripping over their words. Benji knows they're lying.
"Look, I know you're pissed at me for kissing Andrew. And I'm sorry for that, I really am. My head wasn't all there and it won't happen again."
"Pfff, what are you talking about? It's fine, everything's fine. I'm not mad."
Benji sighs. "What can I do to make you trust me again?" he asks, biting his lip as his gaze drifts to the hardwood floors.
There's another pause between them. Fee shifts their weight from one foot to the other.
"Okay, fine. I was a little pissed off about it. But I believe you. I just don't know how to act around you, alright? It's a weird situation to be in. And now I can't even look at you without imagining you kissing Andrew," Fee says, throwing their arms into the air in frustration.
"I'm sorry," Benji says again, stepping a bit closer to Fee. "I guess asking for things to go back to normal and for us to just be friends like usual is asking a lot. But if it's any consolation, I only have eyes for one guy and it's not Andrew."
Just then, the doorbell rings, making Benji and Fee jump.
"I got it," Benji calls. He turns back to Fee, lowering his voice. "Can we please just be civil, at least? Like no running away from me when I'm around? At least for our friends' sakes?"
"Yeah, okay. I think I just need some time," Fee says, leaning against the back of the nearest white leather couch. The doorbell rings a few more times, followed by a series of knocks, insistent.
"Cool. Thank you," Benji says with a small smile, nodding before turning around and finally opening the door to see Victor and Lake standing there, with Lake's finger hovering over the doorbell and Victor looking sheepish.
"Hey, took you long enough," Lake says, as Benji steps aside to let her in. "Of course I had to forget my house keys."
She presses a kiss to Benji's and Fee's cheeks as she enters, throwing her bag onto one of the couches. Victor follows her inside, closing the door behind them. When he greets Benji, craning down to kiss him on the cheek, his touch lingers a little too long, and the scent of his fresh, lightly spiced cologne wafts around them in a cloud; Benji knows he'll smell it for days afterward.
Victor enters and greets the rest of their friends, chuckling over something Benji didn't hear as he returns to the living room with a red solo cup in hand, Andrew and Mia in tow with their own drinks. Lake is in the process of digging through her silver bag, face lighting up when she finds her buried treasure, extracting a ziploc baggie of what looks like some crushed up green herbs.
But Benji knows better than that.
"All right, everyone," Mia says, sitting down on one of the couches and motioning for Lake to sit beside her. "So I ordered us a bunch of pizzas and we have some movie options that we can pick out. Drinks are in the kitchen so help yourself. And yes, before you ask, there are a surprising amount of vegan pizzas, actually," she says, glancing in Benji's direction, as he pumps his fist and whispers "Yesss" more to himself than anyone else.
"I hope you ordered extra food, babe. We're gonna need it," Lake says, presenting her baggie of herb and a box of cigarillos to the room with a triumphant look. "Got this for forty bucks. I just walked into a room and said 'god, what's a girl gotta do to get some plant around here?' and like… five of my friends offered me some."
"I hate to say this, Lake, but you got ripped off," Andrew says with a smirk as he sits down on the couch and pats the spot beside him for Fee to sit down, too. "You got a dime bag."
"Wait… Where did you get that?" Victor asks with a high-pitched chuckle. "You had that the entire time we were walking together and you didn't tell me?"
"Victor… please don't tell me you've never smoked before," Lake says bluntly, plopping back onto the couch beside Mia. "And I did not get ripped off, Andrew. It's the average price."
"Oh, of course I have. I just hope you guys can keep up, is all," Victor says, flustered.
Benji can only shake his head with a grin as he sits down on the only available couch, and Victor looks around to see that the only open spot is beside Benji. He swallows and slides onto the couch, leaving a space between him and Benji.
"You don't have to lie, Vic. I think it'll be some people's first time," Benji says, curling up and scooting closer to Victor.
Mia flashes a tight-lipped smile. "I wish you would have told me you were bringing home extra fun things for us to do, Lake," she says. "But I guess now's as good a time as ever to try."
"I'm actually kinda curious now, because I've never smoked before, either," Fee says, stroking their chin. "If we watch something scary it'll probably be really trippy when we're high. Ohh, and maybe it'll be even better when we're cross faded… That sounds so fun…"
Victor's eyes widen and Benji moves closer to him so their sides touch, a jolt of electricity meandering through their flesh. Benji leans over to whisper in Victor's ear: "You don't have to do it if you don't want to, you know."
"I know, but I wanna try," Victor whispers back.
In the background, Lake opens the pack of cigarillos and pulls out one of the long, skinny sticks of tobacco, along with the grinder she'd procured from her bag. She empties the tobacco onto a piece of paper before putting one of the buds of weed from the baggie into her grinder and assembles it all into the wrapper from the cigarillo while Andrew tries to give her pointers that she promptly ignores. When she's done, she has a surprisingly aesthetically pleasing blunt, which she holds up to show the group.
"What do you guys wanna watch?" Mia asks, as Lake lights the blunt and takes a draw from it beside her, holding the smoke in her lungs and passing it to Benji before she exhales expertly.
Benji takes the blunt, holding it to his lips and inhaling, the almost rancid, skunk-like smell invading his nostrils, but he doesn't pay it any mind as he waits a moment before breathing out, plumes of smoke curling around him on the way out. He hands it to Victor, who holds it gingerly in his hand and stares at it, brows furrowed.
"Can we watch 'The Exorcist'? I fell asleep last time and didn't get to see the ending," Fee says with a pout.
"No, we can't keep watching that, it's gross," Lake says, shuddering.
The others begin to argue about movies as Benji watches Victor with a smirk.
"It's not that difficult. The only advice I can really give to you is to hold it for a second and not to cough," Benji says, resting a hand on Victor's back. "And like I said, you're always free to back out. No one's gonna make fun of you."
Victor nods and imitates Benji's action from a moment earlier, making a face as the smoke hits his throat, sharp and bitter, and shuddering with the effort of holding back his cough, feeling as if his rib cage would break and his lungs would grow and escape their prison. His eyes water as he blows out a puff of smoke, chasing it with a sip of the rum and coke he'd poured himself and almost choking. Benji pats him gently and takes the blunt from his hand to pass over to Andrew, pupils flitting to Fee as they sit beside him.
"You did really well, Vic," Benji says with a fond smile, his hand traveling up to the spot where Victor's shoulder and neck connect and resting there. "Way better than my first time."
"Thanks," Victor says, voice hoarse as he wipes his eyes in his sleeve and leans into Benji's touch unconsciously. "It smells so bad, though, Jesus."
"Yeah… even after you get used to it, it's still pretty gross," Benji says, face beginning to droop and the familiar relaxing heaviness descending upon him like a weighted blanket. "Oh, that's so nice," he sighs, letting his head fall back against the top of the couch, eyelids fluttering closed like butterfly wings as they rest atop a flower in the breeze.
For a moment, Benji simply sits there, leaning against Victor, the high taking over. He then opens his eyes, glancing at Victor from the corners and seeing him through the gently vibrating haze around them.
"You good?" Benji asks.
Eyes slitting open, Victor scrunches his face up, speech a bit slurred and sounding far away. "I'm not sure. Everything feels really… slow? But it's not bad, I guess."
"Let me know if you get panicky, okay?" Benji says, blinking slowly and then wondering how his hand got to Victor's leg and how Victor's arm ended up wrapped around his waist. "Deep breathing definitely helps."
"Okay," Victor says, eyes red and glazed over as he leans his head on Benji's shoulder with a crooked smile on his lips. Benji's glacial heartbeat skips even though it probably shouldn't; he becomes hyper aware of his breathing, as if diverting his focus will make him lose control of homeostasis entirely.
The blunt comes around again, and they both take another hit, melting against each other even further like two ice caps afflicted by the summer heat as Mia shuts off the lights and finally turns on the movie—"Dawn of the Dead"—and takes a seat beside Lake with a drug-induced giggle.
"I have the munchies. When will the pizza be here?" Fee whines, voice cracking as they loll against Andrew.
"In a few minutes," Mia whispers, "but we can get some snacks if you want."
Mia rises and grabs Fee by the hand. They stumble into the kitchen together; Benji returns his attention to the movie, barely following along with the storyline because the way Victor tenses beside him, even in his encumbered state, distracts him.
Victor turns his face away from the television after a few minutes, groaning quietly, and Benji raises an eyebrow.
"Hey, are you okay?" he whispers in Victor's ear.
"Yeah, I just… don't care for scary movies," Victor replies, peering up at Benji from his spot on his shoulder.
"Do you wanna cuddle?" Benji asks without thinking.
Just then, the doorbell rings and Benji freezes.
"Pizza's here!" Mia shouts a bit too loudly before chuckling to herself from the kitchen.
"I'll get it," Lake says, but she makes no move to get up, simply staring off into space.
"No, I think I should do the honors," Andrew says, surprisingly coherent as he rises from the couch. "Everyone be cool."
Benji looks over his shoulder as Victor buries himself further into his side and wraps his arms around his form, clinging to him like a sloth, but Benji doesn't mind at all; in fact, the familiar weight of Victor is the only thing anchoring him to this planet and keeping him from floating off toward the starry void of space. He grins crookedly as he wraps his own arms around Victor's middle, nuzzling against his hair.
Andrew returns to the living room with a stack of several pizza boxes, setting them down on the coffee table and opening the top box. Mia and Fee return, clumsily clutching bags of chips and dropping them on the table to create a proper stoner's spread. They all help themselves, not even bothering to get any plates as they scarf down the contents with abandon, occasionally erupting into a chorus of giggles whenever someone in the movie gets merked in a particularly gruesome way, while Lake mutters something about the special effects being terrible and "The Walking Dead" being much better.
Once the laughter dies down again, Benji takes a bite of pizza and follows it with a handful of popcorn from the bag he'd commandeered as he observes Victor, who, for the moment, seems to have forgotten that they're watching a scary movie as he chews his own slice loudly, expression vacant. But then when someone on the television starts screaming, Victor pauses mid-chew, gasping to himself, before he returns to sticking to Benji's side. And Benji can't help the sensation of his heart stuttering like a lone leaf in the breeze, biting his lip but not able to stop it from curling up as he observes him.
When they finish eating, Benji and Victor return to their wrapped-up state, legs curling around each other like a pile of wires. Benji can feel Victor watching him before he sighs against Benji's neck, warm breath tickling his skin. And when Victor leans in further, kissing him right under his ear, Benji sighs, not having it in him to push Victor away, instead welcoming it, feeling the sensation going straight to his dick, pants becoming tighter much faster than he expected then to. He'd always wanted to have sex while high but didn't trust anyone enough to try.
Victor trails more kisses along his neck as Benji brushes his hair aside to give Victor better access. With a quiet moan, Victor moves along Benji's jaw, stopping once he gets to right next to Benji's lips; he pulls away, staring at Benji, suddenly looking hungry despite having just put away more slices of pizza than he could count.
Benji swallows, exploring Victor's face and landing on his lips. They look so plump and feel so good on him, but ever since he'd seen them for the first time, he wondered what they would feel like against his own. And when he got a taste of them—albeit briefly—before the break, Benji wants nothing more than to taste them again, because only Victor can intoxicate him, overpower him, and provide him with exactly what he wants.
"Are we about to kiss right now?" Benji says, their noses grazing against one another.
"Do you want to?" Victor asks, inching slightly closer as his eyelids fall closed, and Benji isn't sure if it's from the drugs or from some overwhelming desire for him or maybe a combination of both.
"I would love that," Benji sighs, falling into Victor as their lips catch on each other.
The kiss is slow at first, Victor's hand making its journey from his lap up Benji's chest and then finally to his cheek, and they relax for a moment, merely mingling, before Benji opens his mouth, letting Victor's tongue invade the cavern of his mouth. His breath hitches in his throat as Victor's other hand slides between his hip and the couch, and Benji lets himself tumble forward onto Victor's lap as he presses against Victor's lean frame.
There's something amazing about finally kissing Victor properly, about how Victor injects every ounce of respect and desire he has into each movement, but Benji adores how that kindness Victor exhibits in his daily life doesn't stop him from claiming Benji just the way he likes it, taking control of him and knowing that whatever Victor does, Benji will allow it because he knows just how pleasurable it will be. And when they rub their clothed erections together as they kiss, the friction messing up the electrical current within their bodies entirely, it's as if the rational parts of their brains shut off and begin operating purely on animal instinct.
Victor slides his hand down Benji's sides, emitting a soft chuckle against his lips as Benji squirms in his lap while grabbing at his ass through his pants. Moaning, Victor deepens the kiss even further, resting his hand on the side of Benji's neck as the other slips under his shirt, burning on contact from the spark of their arousal.
They make out for a while, their attention entirely off the movie and on the addicting, wet heat of each other's mouths at this point instead. Benji doesn't want to pull away, content with suffocating if it means he can keep kissing Victor and feeling the way he touches him so deliberately, every nerve ending in his body set alight with want. He never knew he could be so enthralled with another person that kissing them feels like the vital oxygen he needs for survival. No one had ever made him feel this way.
Benji knows that if they keep this up, he'll cum, already feeling the dampness of precum making him uncomfortable, wishing he could just shed his clothes right there and have Victor fuck him silly in front of all their friends, but even in his inebriated state he knows he'll never live that down. And so they finally pull away, panting, with breath mingling together as if they intend to get high off each other's presence.
"Victor…" Benji whispers in Victor's ear, words like magma on his flesh. "I could kiss you for hours but… I really need you to fuck me right now."
Glancing to their friends in the dark, Victor hums as he looks back at Benji's face, irises twinkling in the dimness from the light of the television. Their friends seem engrossed in other things, not paying them any mind.
"I would… definitely like for us to have sex. But where can we go?" Victor asks slowly.
"Closet," Benji says, rising to his feet on shaky, cottony legs, the room vibrating a bit as he rights himself and offers Victor a hand.
"Cool," Victor says, as if this is a totally reasonable request. He takes Benji's hand, leaning against him, and they tiptoe away to the closet in the foyer, keeping their eyes on their friends to ensure none of them turn around; they don't.
As soon as they enter, Benji shuts the door behind them and pulls the cord to turn the light on. He strips his shirt off before stepping out of his pants, standing bare in front of Victor, before, a few seconds later, when he feels Victor's pupils cutting through him, he covers himself with his hands, suddenly self-conscious.
"Do you have a condom? And also lube?" Victor asks, averting his gaze after a couple of seconds when he sees Benji's reaction to his stare.
"No condoms, I ran out," Benji says, pressing his lips together, face heating up. "Lube…" he adds, stroking his chin as he thinks for a moment, his brain taking its time to shuffle around his memories. "Oh, yeah. I have lube," he finally says, carding through the contents of the closet to find his jacket. He produces a bottle of clear liquid and puts it on the shelf.
"You walk around with a bottle of lube in your pocket," Victor muses.
"Yeah, so? I like to be prepared," Benji says as-a-matter-of-factly.
"Not judging, just saying…" Victor says with a chuckle. "Are you okay with this?"
Benji closes his eyes and exhales loudly. He hasn't had sex in over a month, and now that the opportunity presents itself, the conditions are less than ideal, but he can't help the amount of sexual frustration he'd accumulated. Is it too much to ask for Victor to just stick his dick in him?
"Have you slept with anyone else lately?" Benji asks quietly, taking a step closer to Victor.
"You're the only one," Victor says, cupping Benji's face and running his thumb across his cheek.
"Well… I haven't seen anyone else, either, so..."
Victor raises his other hand to rest on the side of Benji's neck as he slides the other down his cheek to rest opposite. Benji's eyes flutter closed as he wraps his fingers around Victor's wrists and Victor tilts his head up with his thumbs.
"God, you're gorgeous," Victor breathes.
"So are you," Benji says with a smile, face heating up even more than he thinks is possible at this point, a kettle boiling over on the stove. "Is the no condom thing a problem, then?"
"Hell no."
"Good, because I missed you so much," he says, adding: "You're the only one who's ever made me feel this way" in his mind, because even when he's lost most of his inhibitions, there's still something holding him back from saying it out loud.
"I missed you, too," Victor says, and he closes the gap between them again.
Benji steps forward, melting into Victor's grip as their tongues brush against each other. He whines when he feels Victor smirking against his lips as his fingers dance down his chest, slipping under his shirt and prying it off him; they separate for a split-second before Benji tosses it to join his own clothes on the floor, before they go right back to kissing as Benji wraps his arms around Victor's neck.
With a soft sigh as Victor bites his lip, Benji lifts his legs to clamp around Victor's waist, climbing him like a tree, and Victor squeezes his ass firmly as he flips them and pins Benji to the door and then kisses him again.
Fingers tugging at hair, Benji wonders if he'll ever tire of the way Victor's tongue caresses his insides, as if that's the only way to satisfy his own insatiable hunger. He doesn't know if this is just the weed talking, but he never knew what it was like to desire someone beyond the realm of physicality, to want to surrender himself completely—mind, body, and spirit—until that very moment.
Victor undoes his pants, their faces still joined, and frees his erection, shuddering as the cool air strikes the sizzling surface of his skin. They separate again, panting and with sweat sticking their locks to their foreheads, their gazes fill with lust and longing and something else, something primal and unidentifiable. And Benji isn't sure how much longer he can take it.
"Can you please just put it in me already?" Benji begs, head falling back against the surface of the door with a soft thud, feeling as if he's close to crying.
"Let me finger you first," Victor breathes. "I don't wanna hurt you."
"You won't hurt me, I'm used to it," Benji says, trying to ignore the throbbing of his own hard cock between them and the ache within him for the sensation that only Victor could provide. "I just want you inside me. Please," he adds, stroking Victor's cheek gently.
For a moment, Victor falls silent, but Benji can see the way he grits his teeth as he battles with himself, the clatter of swords clashing almost audible around them. It's times like these when Benji wishes that Victor was less of a kind soul, so he wouldn't even have to think about it. But when he bites his lip and gives Benji that look that says he doesn't need to be convinced and reaches out to the shelf to grab the bottle of lube that Benji so graciously provided, Benji can only grin.
"This is the only time," Victor warns. "Obviously I really wanna have sex with you and you obviously feel the same way—"
"Shh. Stop talking," Benji says, placing a digit gently on Victor's lips and looking past him. "Less of this," Benji adds, opening and closing his other hand, "and more of this," he says, flicking his wrist as he makes a jerking off motion in the air. "My legs are getting tired and I wanna look at you while we fuck."
Rolling his eyes but reddening nonetheless, Victor opens the bottle of lube and slathers a generous amount of it all over his dick, trying his best not to drip it on the floor. When he feels it's sufficiently lubricated, Victor shifts in Benji's hold and puts the bottle back on the shelf, instead dropping on the floor with a groan.
"Okay, I'm gonna put it in now," Victor mutters, and Benji instinctively draws him closer. "Stop me if it's too much."
"I'll be fine."
Victor's eyebrows furrow together as he positions himself right before Benji's hole and pushes inside as slowly as he can. Benji pulls their faces together as they moan into each others' mouths as Victor stretches him; all he can do is take it, which he does gladly, eyes rolling back in his head, clutching at his back and grinding his hips down as Victor finally sheathes himself inside him, and he knows that if it weren't for the drugs in his system, his heart would be racing like a freight train prepared to veer off the tracks.
"Mm... you feel so fucking good inside me, Vic," Benji breathes, nibbling on Victor's ear as he clenches his legs tighter around Victor's middle. "You can move, I'm literally fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! Stop asking if I'm okay and just rail me," Benji says, before he leans back against the door and guides Victor by the chin into another kiss.
Doing as Benji asks, Victor pulls out and slides back inside Benji a bit faster but still careful despite his high making his form a bit sloppy. He unhooks Benji's legs from him and spreads them wider, gripping the backs of his thighs hard enough that his knuckles bulge out like living rope as he progressively speeds up his thrusts and gasps against Benji, devolving into open mouthed kisses that are more tongue and teeth than lip, and in turn, Benji scratches at his back and scalp with blunt nails, arching his spine and moving in harmony with Victor as he hit his prostate each time.
Benji's eyes fall open in slits and he watches Victor's face as he fucks him and looks at everything but Benji's face, focusing only on making them both cum—always so fucking respectful. He groans, pleasure pooling in his stomach and he wonders why on earth he'd ever told Victor not to look at him. Something tugs at him as if he's a marionette on a string (definitely the drugs) and he finds himself reaching out and tilting Victor's visage toward him.
"Look at me," Benji says.
And Victor does.
And as soon as he does, his face contorts and Benji feels as if someone had poured molten gold through his innards and he cums, too, seeing Victor's face and then nothing at all, ears ringing as every muscle in his body contracts and he vibrates as Victor pulls out, seed dripping down the backs of his legs.
Victor gently unbends Benji and sets him down on the floor as they attempt to get their breathing back under control. He picks up their clothes and they both dress in shaky silence, the ordeal made a bit more difficult due to their high.
Neither of them notice that they put their clothes on inside out and backward as they shut off the light and stumble through the dark hallway into the bathroom to clean up, giggling as they return to their seats on the couch. Lake is the only one who notices their return, her tanned but light face like the moon in the darkness but she turns back to the movie immediately, not paying them any mind.
When they sit down, stomachs growling, Victor steals one of the boxes of pizza, offering some to Benji, and they eat with Benji sitting on Victor's lap again, and as soon as something scary shows up on the screen, Victor buries his face in Benji's chest until it passes, and Benji can't help but feel even more endeared to him with each successive moment as he strokes Victor's hair with a soft smile. He doesn't normally even find this behavior cute, but somehow, because it's Victor, he can't get enough of it; he kisses Victor gently on the forehead.
Soon the credits roll and Victor falls asleep wrapped around him and Benji doesn't know what to do in order to stop him from waking him. He yawns, covering his mouth with his arm as he shifts in Victor's lap, accepting that this is just where he lives now.
Mia puts on another movie and curls up beside Lake, looking as if she, too, were in the process of winding down. Fee is snoring with their head on Andrew's lap, and Andrew was absently running his fingers through their hair before he fell asleep, too.
Benji takes a deep breath, feeling guilt coursing through him as he touches Victor's shoulder and jostles him.
"Hey, Victor," he says. When Victor doesn't respond, he tries again. "Hey."
A sharp inhale through the nose and Victor startles, rubbing his eyes and looking around as he relaxes his hold around Benji.
"How long was I out?" Victor asks, setting Benji down beside him.
"Just a few minutes," Benji whispers. "Did you wanna… maybe lie down?" he asks.
"Sure. I don't really feel like watching anymore."
With a soft smile, Benji lies down against the back of the couch, patting the spot beside him for Victor to join him. Victor follows suit, lying down beside him so they can face each other. Benji can still see the tv, but with Victor in front of him, he has no use for the other view.
Victor peers at him through his brown eyes that look like little polished bits of onyx in the low lighting and Benji swallows, averting his shaky, swirling gaze for a moment before resting his palm on Victor's cheek. When Victor mirrors his expression and sets his hand on top of Benji's on his face as he brings their lips together, Benji melts another time, wishing they could have done this from the start.
He doesn't know why, but his heart seizes in his chest, insides fluttering like a flock of frightened birds, when Victor whispers "Goodnight."