Feels Like Home
Chapter 14
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And when you're losing faith
And every door around you keeps on closing
My arms are open
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Since the shooting, it's been two and a half months of baby steps but it finally feels to Donna like she is making some progress.
With help of her therapist and Harvey, she now feels safe enough to use all amenities in the building. She swims and uses the gym every day. Met some neighbors. Side effect is that she actually feels hungry and has been eating better, much to Harvey's delight. However, it is the first thing that goes out of the window when her anxiety plays up again so Harvey still makes her a fruit salad every day. Not a day goes by where her heart does not skip a beat when opening the fridge in the morning.
She went on a run with Harvey last week, hoping that at 6 am the streets wouldn't be so crowded yet but Central Park is even busy at dawn. However, she persevered and it wouldn't be her anxiety that stopped her from doing it more often. That would be the ungodly hour and the feeling of being dead on her feet. Running is not her thing.
They did pass Joe's, a coffee place just opening up and as their first customer of the day, she managed to grab a triple mocha latte, which had her in heaven and Harvey singing her praises.
She is responding to her friends and family again when they text or call her and is honest to them if she is having a bad day, they'll try again tomorrow. What she doesn't know is how this freed up Harvey's time. He was feeding quite a few people with information on her well-being.
She does notice that he is staying at the office longer and longer, asking other people to spend time with her. She knows he can't be with her all the time and it has actually been great to connect with some friends again but sometimes it feels like they are babysitting her. Like she is a ticking time bomb that is bound to explode.
She misses Harvey. They went from being around each other 24/7, to nights and the weekend, and the last two weeks it's just been the weekend. Some big case that he won't talk about is occupying all his time.
He climbs into bed every night clearly bothered by something. After fourteen years she can read the signs even in the dark. He thinks she's asleep but she never is. She's been playing with the idea to return home but just entertaining the idea makes her anxiety shoot through the roof. And she and Harvey gravitate towards each other in bed. As soon as she turns in his direction, he pulls her close and it keeps the nightmares away. Which gets her some decent hours of sleep and is part of being able to function again.
So she is torn between overstaying her welcome and giving herself time to heal properly. She hasn't dared to bring it up yet. Afraid of the ramifications.
It's a warm Friday night in May when Harvey comes home and finds her in the kitchen, staring at what might be the remains of a salmon. But to be fair, it's so charred if you told him it was veal, he'd believe it too.
"What did that poor thing ever do to you?"
Harvey dumps some case files he brought home on the counter.
Donna turns off the heat. "Isn't it salvageable somehow?"
He peers over her shoulder. "The only place for that is the trash."
She looks so sad that he squeezes her waist. "To what do I owe the honor of you cooking?"
She shrugs in an almost shy manner. "I feel like one of the images that bothered me so much has been neutralized with EMDR. So today is a good day."
He pulls her close, telling her softly that he is immensely proud of that.
"It only took about eleven sessions to get there for this particular image."
He lets her go, folding his arms as he leans against the counter. He does not care for the way she talks about herself.
"Donna confronting your demons is hard. Take it from a man who denied himself a family for twenty years before he finally was ready for that battle."
She looks at him fondly. The man in front of her knows how much energy it takes to fix yourself. And even though he always cared for her, she doubts he would have taken her in like this had it been ten years ago. There is so much she wants to say to him.
"Thank you, Harvey," is what she settles for though. "Unfortunately my way of doing that is serving you incremated fish."
"It hasn't been a good day if you don't end it with the burial of what would have been a perfectly delicious piece of salmon." He chuckles as Donna gives him a light punch on the arm.
"It was cod," she mumbles.
A loud snort escapes Harvey as he unceremoniously dumps the remains in the trash.
"Did you just snort Harvey Specter?" A hint of mockery edging on her mouth.
"You are right. It is a sad day for marine life. We should give it a proper send-off." He pushes his fingertips together in front of him and pulls a serious face. "Dearly beloved, we are—"
"You are the worst, you know that." She digs him in the ribs but a slow grin quirks her mouth anyway.
His laughter fades away when he suddenly clears his throat.
"Let me take you out to dinner."
He sees the panic rising in her eyes.
"You can say no, but I hope you trust me to take you to a place you can handle."
After a moment of silence, she slowly nods.
He flashes her a big smile. "Great, let me change into something more casual and we can go."
…
In the end, Harvey sits in the egg chair on the balcony for twenty minutes after changing into khakis and a grey henley, waiting for Donna. He is engrossed in Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald.
He is mainly a nonfiction reader but Donna bought it for him recently and she had been right. Set at the dawn of the Jazz Age, it captures a very specific time and place and leaves him more entertained than expected.
Donna shyly stops at the balcony door, when Harvey notices her coming and he blinks once, twice, and openly stares at her.
He takes out his cellphone, snapping a quick picture before she can even protest. Seconds later her own phone chimes.
She didn't have any reason to dress up so her daily attire is usually a shirt with comfy pants but right now she is wearing a maxi dress with a cardigan draped over her arm and her makeup done more than usual.
They head downstairs and step outside into the warm night. The beautiful weather keeps the New York population mingling outdoors, the crowd much larger than Donna anticipated. She clutches her purse tightly as her stomach churns.
Harvey grabs her hand firmly, expertly weaving her through the throngs of people, telling her about the time he went toe to toe at 'All you can eat shrimp' with Robert Zane and Mike.
Their destination isn't far so soon they halt in front of what looks to Donna like a pub. Her chest tightens and she fingers her necklace.
"I can't go to a pub, I'm sorry."
Her eyes cast down to her strappy sandals but Harvey grabs her chin and gently forces her to meet his eyes.
"I know James Wood Foundry is a case of, 'if it walks like a pub, looks like a pub, it's probably a pub' with its look and food but I need you to trust me."
She takes a deep breath. "Okay," her voice barely audible.
Harvey grabs her hand again as they enter, leading her quickly through the crowded bar area, passing a surprisingly bright open space with skylight and communal tables, to finally step outside through glass panel double doors into a small courtyard filled with tables and chairs, strings of lights dimly glowing above.
Harvey places his hand in the small of her back to steer her to a table as Donna softly gasps. She sits down on a chair he holds out for her before he joins her across the table.
A waiter appears almost right away to hand them their menus and take their drinks order. Harvey raises one eyebrow at Donna, who gives the tiniest nod before he asks for a pint from the tap. Donna opts for a root beer.
With the waiter gone, Harvey grabs her hand. "Are you okay with this?" He rubs his thumb over her knuckles. "Because you need to be comfortable. Don't push yourself too far to please me."
She smiles reassuringly at him. "I do feel some jitters but I guess that's normal right?"
"If it helps, those stairs behind us are a fire exit. You can easily leave without using the busy bar area."
"That actually does help." She throws him another grateful smile as her nerves settle a bit knowing there is an escape route.
She opens her menu with her free hand, as she moves the hand Harvey is holding in such a way their fingers lace together. "What's good here?"
He squeezes softly, soothingly caressing her hand as he replies, "Everything."
They finish their meal without Donna wanting to run. Even so, Harvey checks a few times if she is still good. Donna eats half her pretty large bacon-wrapped trout with mashed potatoes. Which Harvey deems good considering the new circumstances. He eats a shepherd's pie because after seeing her cremated salmon he's fished-out for the night, he teases her.
She is curious about their sticky toffee pudding but is sure she can't finish it so they order it with two spoons.
When it arrives Harvey pulls out his phone and extends his arm for a selfie but the elderly lady from the table next to them offers to take it.
As she fumbles with the phone she asks them, "You make a lovely couple. How long have you been together?"
"Oh we're—" Donna starts but before she can utter the word 'not', Harvey interrupts her.
"Fourteen years," he says, grabbing her hand, giving her an adoring look.
Right at that moment, the lady snaps the photo, as she replies, "You can tell."
She hands Harvey back his phone. "Keep looking at her like that and you'll make it to fifty, just like me and my Walt." And with a wink, she leaves them to it.
Both their cheeks are flushed as they stick their spoons into the pudding.
"I wasn't going to burst her bubble you know," Harvey excuses himself and Donna nods with a mouth full.
Back at home, they silently do their nighttime routine. After two and a half months it's like a perfectly choreographed dance around each other.
They end up in bed at the same time and Donna flings herself in his arms.
"Thank you, Harvey," she mumbles as he wraps his arms around her.
"You have no idea how proud I am of you. Today was huge."
She feels tears well up. Tonight felt normal. For the first time in a long time.
If Harvey notices her emotions, he doesn't say anything, he just silently rubs her back. Together, they drift off into a dreamless sleep.
…
The warm weather continues so Harvey keeps bringing Donna outside at night if he isn't staying late at the office. They go for an ice cream dessert after dinner; he brings her to Tanoshi Sushi, a hole in the wall tiny place that fits only ten people around the counter and serves the best sushi in town; they buy sandwiches, richly filled with mozzarella, tomatoes, and pastrami at an Italian deli and eat them while people-watching in Carl Schurz Park.
One night they are not even a block away from the apartment when a few homeless people tip over a large trash can. The loud noise reverberates between the buildings and Donna panics. Harvey takes her back inside and together they do some breathing exercises to nip her anxiety in the bud. Harvey ends up grilling a burger on his balcony instead, which results in a pretty decent night after all. Donna is stretched out on one side of the sectional with a magazine while Harvey is on the other with his laptop studying a court document. He absentmindedly traces a finger along the ball of her feet, not noticing her toes curling up from the tickling sensation. He doesn't notice her staring at him either.
The trash can incident sets Donna back. The next day Harvey blows off a partner meeting to rush home to be with an anxiety-ridden Donna. He secretly doesn't mind starting his weekend early instead of having long discussions late on a Friday afternoon but he's sure Louis feels differently.
They spend a quiet weekend at home. Sans Harvey going for a run, picking up breakfast, and him raiding Donna's apartment, armed with a list of instructions to bring back items suitable for the current weather. Donna feels extremely guilty when she suddenly realizes how much time Harvey has spent cooped up inside with her. She tries to persuade him to meet a friend or even visit Marcus but he seems almost insulted at her suggestions.
So together they enjoy the balcony. Harvey keeps appearing with new sunglasses on, every time he goes inside. After three changes Donna notices and Harvey brings out his extensive and expensive collection. They fill the afternoon with trying them all, making a top 3 for each of them, and falling about with laughter at some bad buys that Harvey was too lazy to return.
All too soon it is Monday again. Harvey feels Donna's guilt weighing upon her but the weekends are the only moment he can give her 100% undivided attention. He loves to make her laugh and he wants her to heal, to keep making progress. He feels she is really on the right track most days. Honestly, he doesn't care if he is inside or outside as long as it is with her. Because with every step forward, she is closer to going home and as much as he wants her to get back on her own two feet, he will hate the day she will move back to her own place. He wants to savor every moment he has with her. He is very close to cashing in all his unused vacation days but he is afraid that won't go over well with the other name partners.
He's back at the same crossroads he was a couple of weeks ago. His decision to retreat, asking others to step in, didn't help him. His mind is still occupied with Donna all the time. Her progress on being outdoors has him coming home earlier again, eager to spend time with her in this new setting, breaking his own promise. Is he doing it to push her progression or to satisfy his need of being close? And his thoughts on asking for time off are so far past their blurry lines, he can't ignore it anymore.
He is going to talk to Donna tonight.
"I'm home," he calls a few hours later when he enters his condo.
He sees the balcony door ajar and immediately heads over, deciding to take the bull by the horns.
As he steps outside, Donna and a familiar brunette look up at him.
"Surprise," they giggle in unison.