A/N: Save the best for last. One of my longer chapters. What can I say. There was a lot to unpack… Not sure if I ended up fixing it or making it worse. As always share your thoughts with me in a review. I appreciate every one of them.

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Feels Like Home

Chapter 18

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(I will be by your side) my arms are open

(You see me loud and clear)

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Staring at his ceiling, Harvey stifles a sigh. He tries not to look at the clock. Calculating how many hours of sleep are left is never a good idea. He shifts a bit to alleviate his back. Normally he'd be on his side holding Donna but if she is leaving soon he better rip off the bandaid now.

At least that was his attitude when he hit the sack but it's been hours and he hasn't gotten one wink of sleep yet. And he knows Donna next to him hasn't either. He isn't sure if that is because he obviously derailed their bed routine or she is afraid of nightmares or ripping off the bandaid is causing a turmoil in her head as well.

He tries to tell himself that this is what he wanted. If Donna moves out, he can focus 100% on the firm again. He doesn't have to worry if he is doing Donna justice by spending all this time indoors with her when her anxiety flares up. He can stop hating himself for being a selfish jerk who apparently feeds his soul with the crumbs he gets from some of the best moments in his life because the love of his life is going through the worst moments of her life. Selfish jerk doesn't even cover it. Biggest asshole in the universe, maybe.

He does get out of the one conversation he's been putting off for weeks now. He was going to lay it all on the line. Cash in all his unused vacation, wreath of partners, and Louis be damned. Spend a few months with Donna in a happy bubble. Maybe take an actual vacation with her. And of course, confessing she is the one.

Born out of necessity, nothing has ever felt so right as having Donna in his home 24/7. His heart leaps with joy every time he opens his front door knowing she is there, waiting for him. It's the egg chair and the yoga equipment and the blankets and throw pillows. Playing a board game instead of burying his nose in case files. Sharing his couch, his dining table, his bed. It's a taste of what life can be like forever and it feels so damn good.

But in the big long-run irony that is his life, Donna isn't at that place when he finally is. So he is going to do the right thing. He doesn't need Donna to explain this one to him. He will be a good man, because she deserves that, because she trusts him to be that. He will keep his mouth shut and support her in whatever way she needs.

He rolls over to his side and it doesn't take long before he feels her hand sneak tentatively to his back, testing the waters. He figures this is her telling him what she needs and he doesn't hesitate one second to lace their fingers, tugging their hands close to his chest. She lets herself get pressed into his back, snuggling her nose into his neck. They each let out a quiet but content sigh and close their eyes.

…

Over the course of the next week, Harvey retreats a bit. He lets Donna take the lead in their connection. She puts her feet in his lap when she is reading a book and he is studying a court document. It's probably twenty minutes in before he realizes he's been stroking her foot and ankle absentmindedly. He says goodbye from the bedroom door instead of sitting down next to her on the bed. But on the days she is up by the time he leaves, she fixes his tie and he's drawn in by the scent of coconut and vanilla.

Which he now knows is her shampoo bar from Humby Organics. A bar that is vegan, cruelty-free, earth-friendly and zero waste, palm oil-free, and a bunch of other things he doesn't remember. He does remember Donna's passionate speech about why everyone should use bars instead of plastic bottles. She gifted him the Humby man bar and he has been using it ever since. He never really cared for all this stuff but Donna makes him care. They have two bamboo toothbrushes sitting side by side on his bathroom sink. And he could list a hundred little things that quietly have been adjusted since she moved in.

On Tuesday he quickly kisses her cheek and promises to bring home Thai. On Friday, she straightens his collar and drags him to her yoga corner, demanding he does the tree pose. He feels ridiculous in his suit, balancing on one leg but it helps the muscles in his shoulders that he was unknowingly clenching, leading up to a tough day in court. He reaches out to tuck a strand that escaped from her bun behind her ear, stroking her cheek with his thumb. He quickly mumbles a "namaste" and the promise of a victory dinner as he leaves.

Donna is already waiting for him at the sidewalk when Harvey arrives that night, his jacket over his arm, tie stuffed in his pocket and his sleeves rolled up. He suggested a restaurant on the Upper East Side but she proposed Olio e Piu in the Village instead. He sees it as a sign she is more and more ready to venture out in the city alone again. A sign she doesn't need him anymore.

Engrossed at something on her phone, she doesn't see him approaching and he takes a moment to take her in. A straight-leg jumpsuit with a color-blocking navy and cream one-shoulder silhouette. The handbag dangling on her arm, one he bought for her on one of their shop outings in the early days of Pearson Hardman. A smile forms on his lips. Ever since she became COO, she changed her wardrobe significantly but it's good to see she kept some memories of the old days. At the same time, a sadness settles in his heart. Donna absolutely deserves where she is now but he'd be lying if he'd say he doesn't miss their occasional splurge to celebrate his victories. Bar today obviously. However, he has a feeling there won't be anymore in the future. He hopes with all he has that the renewed closeness they built over the last months is here to stay but at the same time he wonders if it is healthy and fair on either one of them.

He shakes his head. The merry-go-round of thoughts keeps spinning him in the same circles. On the days he gets tangled up in his own web of feelings, leaving him incapable of moving forward, with or without her, he longs for the time he was able to squash all of that down. A place inside of him where he hid everything that required actually feeling something, a place he ignored with bliss for the better part of his life. But he isn't that man anymore. His emotions are much closer to the surface and his feelings, now that he can access them, keep bubbling up at random times.

He plants his hands on either side of Donna's waist, peeking over her shoulder. "I'm sorry I'm late." His voice is soft.

"It's unacceptable," she replies, leaning into him. A slow grin quirks her mouth.

She swiftly shuts down her phone screen but Harvey catches a glimpse of it anyway. She was looking at the photo he made of her in her maxi dress, the first time she ate out again. He forwarded it to her with the words "Be strong, be fearless, be beautiful. And believe that anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."

"I'll let you eat my dessert to make it up to you," he tells her while stirring her in the direction of a table on the sidewalk terrace with his hand in the small of her back.

"That's not an apology, that is any regular day," Donna says with a laugh.

She looks up at Harvey as he pulls out the chair and waits for her to be seated. He licks his lips and wiggles his eyebrows with a mischievous smile.

They eat their dinner with companionable banter, the wine flowing and in their own little world.

"I have to say," Harvey starts as he places his fork and knife together on his plate to indicate he is done, "I had my doubts of going to any other Italian than Del Posto but this was delicious."

Donna chews slowly before answering. "I love Del Posto but it's reserved for a special date only. I thought we'd try someplace new. One that is always an option." She quickly shoves a bite of fettuccine in her mouth to avoid meeting his eyes.

Harvey reaches over to squeeze her hand, swift but gentle before retracting again. "I'm all for creating new memories," he murmurs, taking a sip from his wine.

Donna is just reaching over the table, scooping a generous bite of Harvey's tiramisu when someone loudly announces, "Harvey Specter, in the wild."

A man unknown to Donna approaches them but Harvey stands up to shake the man's hand.

"Believe it or not, I do get out of the office once in a while," Harvey muses.

"Gotta give the misses the attention she deserves aye," the man booms, flashing a smile at Donna.

"She's not my wife." Harvey's lips are tense around the words. He generally has no problem with people's assumptions but he has no choice but to correct this man. "Donna Paulsen here is our COO."

Donna shifts her eyes from probing into Harvey's to the man in front of her, switching her pursed lips to the warmest smile she can muster, extending her hand. "Donna Paulsen."

"William Faulkner."

"William is the CEO of Schrödinger Inc."

Donna's brain switches gears immediately. "The client that signed with us recently because Sidwell Investment is trying to buy your company and sell it for parts."

William Faulkner is pleased with a COO that knows her stuff but Harvey looks surprised. He has not spoken directly with her about clients but she clearly has been paying attention to his calls lately.

"I'll let you finish your dinner now." William slides his eyes up and down Donna's body. "Hope to run into you at the office sometime Miss Paulsen."

Harvey pushes his plate of tiramisu over to Donna's side of the table as their client walks away. He lost his appetite.

…

"Louis, have you seen—" Harvey strolls into the managing partner's office with a bagel but is stopped in his tracks when he sees who is sitting on the couch.

"Donna," he stammers. "What are you doing here?"

His eyes rake over her green Roland Mouret dress. He hasn't seen her in attire like this for months.

"I want to begin my reintegration to get back to work full-time. For now, I'm thinking of starting one day a week." A pink flush tings Donna's cheeks. "I'm ready," she adds, slightly bashful.

Louis nods enthusiastically. "If your therapist is okay with this, I'm all for it."

"She recommended it. Our appointments are reduced to once every two weeks now." Donna clasps her hands together, picking at a cuticle.

"Great, when do you want to start?" Louis is beaming.

Donna shifts in her chair. She quickly glances at Harvey. He's standing silently, his posture rigid, his muscles tense. Directing her gaze back to Louis she replies, "Tomorrow. I want to start tomorrow."

"Great! There's just one thing though." Louis pinches at his upper lip, squirming in his seat. He looks at Harvey but apart from a bobbing Adam's apple, there isn't any offer of input so Louis awkwardly picks at a piece of lint, trying to find the courage.

"You mean the interim COO you hired in my absence?" Donna gathers her handbag and stands up, smoothing down her dress. "You boys are very sweet—" She walks past Harvey and confiscates his bagel. "But I've known about that from day one." She takes a bite from the food. "Good decision though, I'll work it out with him," she calls out when she saunters off, leaving the two lawyers dumbfounded, staring after her.

Louis walks over to his desk. "That woman is amazing," he marvels, pointing in the direction of the open door through which Donna just disappeared.

"She really is," Harvey utters gruffly in an uncharacteristically unreserved moment.

…

There is a cardboard box on Harvey's dining table that has him raise his eyebrows. And one on the floor of his walk-in closet with Donna sitting next to it that makes his heart race, his throat close up.

"Hey." He crouches down to kiss her cheek. "What's all this?" His voice thick as he gestures to the box.

"I got an offer on my apartment," Donna chirps brightly. "So, I can move forward with my new place." She absentmindedly throws in some shoes and folded sweaters, pondering how so much of her stuff accumulated in his apartment.

Harvey grabs a shelf to support himself. "New place?" he questions.

"I have my eye on something. I was just waiting until I got rid of the apartment of doom before acting on it. It's already empty so I'm hoping to proceed quickly." Donna pulls out her cellphone, tapping a few buttons, she hands it to him. "Here, have a look."

She wanders off to the living room with the box. His crestfallen face follows her until she is out of sight. Then his eyes sink and he sighs involuntarily. He scrolls through the listing, rubbing his tired eyes. The listing in Battery Park is perfect for Donna but it only makes his stomach churn. Rolling his shoulders, he blows out a series of short breaths before he catches up with her in the living room.

"There is some stuff that I already had at my apartment and we bought them new here. What do you think we should do with it? A charity maybe?" Donna gestures at the yoga equipment behind the table as an example.

Harvey sits down in the lounge chair by the window. Curling one arm over his head he grabs the top of the seat. "You could leave it here."

Donna's eyes grow wide and she smirks. "Planning to take up yoga, Harvey?"

"Not persé." He unbuttons his vest. "Just thought it wouldn't hurt for it to be here. For… uhm… you know… when you come over."

Donna stops rummaging in the bowl on the kitchen counter where they throw in all their loose items. Gaping at him, her mind goes a hundred miles an hour. "Wha— you…" she fumbles for words but Harvey doesn't use the opportunity to point out this rare time he has her speechless.

"I mean…" He clears his throat. "Uhm…" Grazing his nose with his curled index finger, he continues. "I don't want to go back to the way it was." It comes out an octave higher than what is considered normal.

Donna's heart is pounding in her chest. She bites on the insides of her cheeks, hard. Is this it? "So what are you saying?" she asks him slowly.

He cracks his knuckles and she raises an eyebrow. She has never seen him do that before.

"Before your— your trauma, we've been pulling away from each other. Haven't we?" He glances up inquiringly into her penetrating eyes.

Donna shrugs noncommittally. He's right but it's the first time he verbalizes it, without her guiding or demanding him to show emotion. And she desperately wants to know where he is going with this.

Harvey leans forward. "I suppose we both had our reasons. A lot has been said and done in the last eighteen months." They both cast their eyes down feeling guilty for their own part in it.

"I would hate for us to go back to that. I can't anymore." He lifts his eyes, giving her a pleading look. "I know we had some clear boundaries before but I really want to move the goalposts."

Donna clamps her left hand with the other to stop it from shaking. Harvey is taking his time to get it all out and she doesn't want to rush him but the uncertainty is killing her. Her mouth has gone completely dry so she opts for a glass of juice.

Just as she has her back to him to open the fridge, he starts talking again.

"I like to think that us being closer friends is the one good thing that came out of this."

Donna stiffens, barely keeping the juice carton from slipping from her fingers. She can feel his eyes probing into her. Slowly she sets down the carton, reaching for a glass.

"I want a normal friendship, Donna. One where we spend time together outside the office. I come over for dinner without you almost going to prison."

He lets out a nervous chuckle, hoping a small joke will alleviate the tension but the images of that night that consequently pop up give anything but solace.

Donna's hands tremble pouring the juice and it takes all her concentration to have it all end up inside the glass. Her eyes are burning, blinking rapidly to stop the tears that are threatening to fall. Having her back to him should give her a few seconds to gather herself but nonetheless, she feels on display. Her thoughts are one big blur of words meshed together.

Makes me want to drop to my knees, you know I love you, it would have been a mistake, you want everything?

Her ribs are pressed together in a squeezing sensation. Closing her eyes, she glugs down the juice, trapping a sob in her throat. The sound of her empty glass slamming down against the counter reverberates around the room.

"That would be nice Harvey." Her voice quiet and tense. "I need some fresh air," she rasps. Blindingly grabbing a set of keys from the bowl, she practically runs to the door, her desire to flee immense.

…

Harvey walks past Donna's office on his way to Louis. He briefly glances sideways but doesn't go in. He promised not to hover over her as if she's some wounded puppy. Leave that to everyone else she had joked.

Her head is bowed down, buried into paperwork, her red hair hanging in her face, shielding him from her view. Her right hand absentmindedly stabs a fork into the container next to her. The container he prepared this morning, as always, holding her fruit salad.

A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. It still feels like a triumph every single day. It's such a small gesture but it is him taking care of her every day after it being the other way around for years.

An involuntary sigh escapes at the thought of it ending soon.

Last night, Donna had returned home to a fully cooked meal and he tried to be supportive by asking about the apartment in Battery Park.

It saddened him to hear how much recent events had influenced her decision for a quieter area in Manhattan and a building with a 24/7 concierge but it is a scar he can't take away from her.

They both had opted not to bring up the previous conversation but Donna did leave the yoga equipment as is and they had resumed their usual intertwined sleeping positions.

This morning had seen them getting ready for work, together, for the first time ever and it felt oddly normal. She held out his jacket for him to shrug into, he fastened her necklace, even her chatting to Ray while he went over the motion he had to defend later and the quick squeeze he gave her knee right before Ray opened her door. It was all a perfectly synchronized dance of two people that have been at each other's side for over a decade.

When he plops down at Louis' couch and the two of them emerge themselves in the financial figures of one of Harvey's clients, they don't hear Donna come in until she's towering next to them, pushing a stack of papers under Louis' nose.

"Sign please."

"What is it?" Louis asks but grabbing a pen nonetheless.

Donna straightens the hem of her Christopher Kane suit jacket. "A new deal on the flex spaces we've been hiring at the 58th floor for the overflow of the associates pool." She flips back her hair, watching both men zoom in on the new lease figure.

"Hell yeah." Louis scratches the paper with his pen immediately. "How did you pull that one off, in six hours?" He checks his watch before handing back the documents.

Harvey just leans back, crossing his legs, arms resting on the couch and a gleam in his eyes, watching Donna do her thing with a satisfied grin.

"That," Donna says, turning around. "Is for me to know and you boys to never find out." Her hips sway as she saunters out of the room.

"Is it me or does it feel like the office is spinning on the right axis again?" Louis sings chirpily. He practically bounces with happiness.

"No Louis, it's not just you," Harvey replies tepidly. He stares at the open door where Donna just disappeared.

Voices from the hallway drift into the room. By the sounds of it, Donna ran into William Faulkner, their two o'clock meeting. The flirty tone in William's voice is unmistakable and Louis leaps into action. But he can't prevent Harvey from overhearing the dinner proposal to Donna. As Louis shuts the glass door behind him to pick up their client, Donna's answer reaches Harvey's ears anyway. Ask me again the next time we run into each other.

…

The smell of Tom Kha Gai soup fills his nostrils as soon as Harvey enters his condo. He comes from the courthouse by cab, allowing Donna to catch a ride home with Ray.

Shedding his jacket, his line of sight shows Donna unpacking containers of what his nose already told him.

"Shitty Thai!" he booms with a smirk.

Wandering over to the fridge, his hand lingers on her back. "Good day." It's a statement, not a question.

"Good day," Donna echos. She has changed into a comfy sweater and leggings. Her hair scraped back into a ponytail.

"Then shitty Thai it is," Harvey announces cheerfully.

He slides a large water bottle on the counter. Peering over her shoulder, he grabs her waist. "I happily eat shitty Thai for the rest of my life if it means only good days for you from now on," he breathes into her ear, feeling Donna mold into him. He presses his lips to her temple, slowly, softly, stalling. With a few loving caresses of her waist, he lets go reluctantly.

He leans with his back against the counter, right next to her. As Donna busies herself with the remaining contents of the take-out bag, he takes her in. It's a privilege to experience this casual, unarmed side of this amazing woman. He leans forward, angling his head in her direction, his thumb skimming her chin, his index finger pulling her closer until his lips brush hers. Gently, delicately, like butterfly wings. Just long enough to inhale her breath, feel the warmth of her skin before he pulls away.

"You're so beautiful," he murmurs in hoarse tones.

Donna opens and closes her mouth but is too perplexed to produce a sound.

"Don't go to dinner with Faulkner," Harvey pleads in a whisper.

Donna raises her chin, her nostrils flaring. "Oh, you are sooo—" Her eyes are ablaze with anger and she stomps into the bedroom. "You are so fucking unbelievable," she yells.

Seconds later, she reappears with her holdall. Harvey is still at the counter, awkwardly shuffling the food containers with a puzzled look.

"Donna, wait," he begs.

Donna holds up her hand, stalking to the front door. "I'm done waiting, Harvey. For someone who claims he has a hundred and forty-six ways out of every situation, you always have only one predictable way out with me."

Before he can protest the door slams shut and his forehead goes slack against the wood.