A/N: Sooooo I haven't forgotten this story. Life just got in the way, sorry. I had two deaths and a stroke in the family that asked a lot of me in mental health terms. Just when we got to the uplifting part of the story. It didn't match for a while. But I got over myself and finally wrote that chapter.
This is it guys. Just the epilogue left to write. And I have to admit. It weighs heavy on my heart, this story ending. I immensely love this universe and I could have written these two idiots dancing around each other forever but before it gets repetitive and you stop reading because I keep dragging it out, I did the only sensible thing and wrote a final chapter of these two lovely characters. The longest of the bunch. Go on read! You know you want to!
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Feels Like Home
Chapter 19
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(With my arms open wide)
My arms are open
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Pounding his pillow with his fists, Harvey lets out an aggravated sigh. He turns around for the umpteenth time, pulling the duvet around him. It's 5:00 am and he has barely had any sleep so far. About an hour ago, he fell into a fidgety sleep full of images blending together. Making Donna laugh, singing Molly Malone, Donna curled up in her egg chair and him grilling their dinner watching her sway lightly in the wind.
As soon as he gets pulled from his slumber again, he starts mulling over every second of yesterday. He repeats every sentence that left his lips in his head, analyzing why Donna stormed out. At first glance he can't put a finger on it but dissecting his actions and pulling apart the dialogue word for word, he suddenly has got the faint notion Donna might have thought he was going to utter the infamous "it bothers me but that doesn't mean…"
He grabs his phone and tries to call her again. It goes straight to voicemail just like it did all of last night.
Back when the fog in his head had cleared, he had run after Donna. He had flown down the stairs, on his socks, storming into the lobby where the concierge and doorman had shot him some odd looks and confirmed Miss Paulsen had left in a cab.
Right now his legs feel heavy and his head is throbbing but he laces up his running shoes anyway. His feet pound the pavement for several miles but it's his heart that aches as he returns to his empty condo.
He rings her number before and after he showers. He texts her as he pours vanilla into his coffee but just like the ones he sent last night, it never shows as delivered.
He's so early at the office that Louis does a double-take when he spots him from across the hallway.
"What's got you up with the chickens?"
Harvey looks at Louis poking his head around the door, briefcase still in hand.
"Early bird catches the worm."
"Now that would be me." Louis strolls inside. "I live by the wise words of our founding father. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
Harvey's fingers keep tapping away on the keyboard.
"Benjamin Franklin?" Louis pushes.
"Unless he's our client I'm not interested." Harvey shuts his laptop. "We need to talk."
"But he's— You know what, never mind." Louis narrows his eyes. "Did something happen between you and Donna? Because she called me last night and—"
"What did she say?" Harvey interrupts rather rudely, gazing at Louis with a newfound focus.
Louis sits down in front of Harvey. "She isn't coming back to work after all. At least for the foreseeable future." He notices Harvey leaning forward and he does the same. "You knew that right?" he says in a conspiring voice.
"Of course." Harvey bobs his head, his eyebrows knitting together. "I knew that." He reclines in his chair as nonchalantly as he can muster. "I just wasn't sure if she told you everything." He feigns to have the upper hand in this conversation but there is tingling in his stomach signaling his dread for the words to come.
"That the city doesn't feel like a place she currently belongs? She told me." Louis picks up one of Harvey's monogrammed fountain pens. "Big stuff. I mean if I wasn't managing partner I would have needed a day." He fiddles with the cap, eyeing Harvey.
Harvey nods absentmindedly. The pressure building in his chest is immense, he is having a hard time just breathing regularly in front of Louis.
"I assume you are here so early to call a name partner meeting where we decide to hire a new COO."
"She didn't quit and we haven't fired her."
"Harvey, she basically told me to do what I have to do for the sake of the firm." Louis squints his eyes at him. "And the firm needs continuity. We tend to hold on to the past until it comes up to bite us in the ass. We look much stronger as a firm if we appoint a new COO right now."
"Screw the firm!" Harvey's loud voice reverberates through the room. He scrapes back his chair and turns his back to Louis. Staring out over the city, his fists stuffed in his pockets. "This is Donna," he says weakly.
"I know!" Louis exclaims. He nervously plucks his upper lip. "I can't imagine this place without her either. At the same time she hasn't been here for four months and the world hasn't stopped turning."
Harvey's breath hitches. For those four months, Donna was waiting for him at home. Now that she isn't it does feel like the world has come to a grinding halt.
"We are all that is left of Pearson Hardman and Donna believes we can do this Harvey. She has always looked past our baggage and flaws and sees us for who we really are. Two damn fine lawyers that can carry this firm. Together."
Louis slowly makes his way over to the window. "We'll just have to lean on each other when we have a huge victory or a terrible loss." Louis claps Harvey's back. "Maybe we can even come up with a ritual." Harvey's head turns as he gazes at Louis. The smaller man immediately retracts. "I know you are a wild stallion that needs to roam free but I really think together we can—"
"Louis, I'm sorry but I have to go." Harvey buttons up his suit jacket.
"Where?" Louis asks, confused.
"I just have to."
Harvey starts running towards the elevators. He has to fight his way through a throng of people getting off as he wants to go in but he doesn't even really register elbowing them out of the way.
He thinks he knows where Donna is and his body is moving on autopilot. He needs to be where she is.
He wants to, he has to speak to her. To explain, to tell her how he feels, to lay it all on the line, consequences be damned.
…
Finishing the last bite of his choco-raspberry croissant, Harvey brushes the crumbs off his jacket.
He is parked just a few houses away from the Paulsen residence. He sped to Connecticut in record time but driving into Donna's hometown suddenly had him weak in the knees.
He has a lot riding on this but if Jim opens the door he might not even get to speak to her.
To be fair, from the man's perspective he probably wouldn't let himself in either.
If Donna decides to give him a chance, he's going to suggest they stay a few days. When he drove into town he spotted Landmark Community Theater and the only high school in town, Ellington High. This feeling had washed over him. There is history here, Donna has stories to tell and he wants to hear them all. Soak up every tidbit he hasn't heard about her yet. Take note of every venue that ever mattered to her.
He steps out of the car. Looking at his reflection as he locks the vehicle, he decides to shed his tie at the last second.
Approaching the house, his heart is hammering in his rib cage. It's a fair-sized house built of red Lyons Sandstone with the most god-awful picket fence he has ever seen. He makes a mental note to never mention that to Jim Paulsen. He isn't beneath any groveling to get this man to like him, including praising his hideous fence.
He rings the bell and holds his breath as the door swings open.
"Harvey Specter."
"Mrs. Paulsen," he replies.
He was afraid to meet Jim at the door but the man would've just yelled at him. Clara Paulsen silently scowls at him.
"Hem," Harvey rubs his chin as he temporarily studies his feet. "Is she here?" He lifts his pleading eyes up to the older woman.
"Give me one reason why I should answer that question honestly?"
"Because I'm here?" he responds.
"Are you asking or telling me?" Clara narrows his eyes in the same way her daughter stares at him.
"Telling ma'am, definitely telling," Harvey hastily tries to fix his nervous mistake.
"Look," he sighs. "I'm not sure what Donna has shared with you in the past."
"Enough."
He nods. "I totally get why you are not my biggest fan. Your daughter, she sees something in me most people don't. In fact, until recently I didn't see it either. She looks past my flaws and god knows I have many of them and has this unwavering faith in me."
Clara Paulsen folds her arms. "Do you deserve that faith?"
Harvey draws in a deep breath. "Not always," he answers truthfully. "I like to work in the gray. Sometimes people around me are collateral damage. But as much as I like to set the world around me on fire, I would never let a flame touch, Donna. She means the world to me."
"She's been living with you for over four months." Clara leans against the doorway, scrutinizing him with her hazel eyes. "You've been her boss, she's your COO. This isn't what normal colleagues do."
Harvey pokes his tongue in his cheek. "I'm aware of that Mrs. Paulsen."
"Are you? Are you really?" Clara's voice rises. "Because all I see is you making a fool of her in the eyes of the outside world. It's been 13 years. If you can't step up, be a man and let her go instead of clinging to her for selfish reasons. Because my daughter is in too deep to sever the ties herself but she deserves someone who holds her in his arms instead of putting her up on a pedestal."
Harvey briefly closes his eyes as the words wash over him. Little does Clara know, holding her daughter is exactly what he's been doing for the past eighteen weeks. He shakes his head, tugs at the hem of his sleeves, and turns around.
He is halfway down the path when Clara calls out, "Why are you here Harvey?"
He spins around to look her in the eye. "To step up."
"Then why the hell are you walking away from my door?"
"Because I don't want to make a fool of your daughter. She deserves so much more than that."
Clara huffs. "I might not be your biggest fan and her father, well he would probably label you the enemy, but Donna, she talks about you like you put the stars in the sky."
Harvey's face softens. He would hang the stars and the moon and paint a rainbow too for this incredible woman.
"She was here but she got a call and left early this morning to return to the city."
Harvey's eyes widen. Did he pass her on the way North as she was heading South?
"I better hurry back to where I came from then. Thank you."
He jogs down the driveway, eager to start the journey home.
"Harvey," Clara shouts after him. "If I ever see the look like she's the sun fade in your eyes I will hunt you down."
With a smile, he raises his hand in acknowledgment before hopping into the car.
…
Having plenty of time to think speeding back to NYC, Harvey is convinced the call must have been from Millennium Tower Residents. Maybe Donna wants to have a place in the city even if she wants to spend less time here.
He heads straight for the building that he remembers from the listing. Slipping the doorman and concierge some money doesn't pray any information out of them. Rightly so, he wouldn't want Donna to live anywhere they don't care about her privacy and safety but right now it is a nuisance.
He wanders around Battery Park, hoping to find Donna at the waterfront. Watching the ferries and other boats bob up and down with the waves has a calming effect. His heart races when he spots a redhead leaning on the ledge and his mind is stumbling over the words he wants to say to her. But then the woman turns around and it's not her.
His watch tells him it's been over an hour and he has to admit defeat. He climbs in his car to return it to the car club and take a cab home. He doesn't feel like setting another foot into the office today.
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He shuffles into his apartment with his head hanging low. Throwing his jacket on a kitchen stool, he goes straight for the couch and slumps down with a sigh. Closing his eyes, he lets his head rest at the back of the sofa and ponders the fastest way to kick his headache to the curb. Keeping completely still or letting out his anger, his frustration with himself.
It's been five minutes when he massages his eyes and sits forward. His hand freezes mid-rub.
He does a double-take, raising his eyebrows.
She raises her eyebrows back at him, from the egg chair on the balcony.
He gets up, slowly inching forward, his heart pounding in his chest, all of the carefully crafted words he composed in the car now running chaos in his head.
He pushes the door open. "Hey." He doesn't cross the threshold, leaning against the doorframe instead.
"Hey." Donna bites her lip.
"You came back," his voice hoarse.
When she doesn't respond he continues. "I thought this time I managed to give you that final push to leave me for good."
"I think we both know, me not being able to do that is the whole issue here. Like a glutton for punishment," Donna says kicking the ground with her feet, setting the chair in motion.
"Do you want to?"
Donna hears the faint catch in his voice. She looks him straight in the eye, replying "Sometimes."
"I—" he starts.
The sun illuminates Harvey's face. Shedding light on all the creases and crinkles, Donna notices he looks tired.
"Why did you kiss me?" she blurts out. "Why did you make that Faulkner comment when yesterday all you wanted was for us to be close friends?"
A guilty look flashes across Harvey's face causing Donna to jolt forward.
"No!" She holds up her index finger, stern facial features. "No, no, no." She emphasizes each word with a wave of her finger. "You don't get to say something nice and then throw in a conjunction to undo everything you just said. We've done that spiel too many times. If you are jealous of Faulkner then it means a hell of a lot."
"Donna, you are wonderful." Harvey steps outside, pulling a dining chair from the table to sit down. "Any man that is fortunate enough to spend some time in your company will see that. I don't want anyone else realizing how amazing you are." He starts to remove the cufflinks to roll up his sleeves. "I just… I really don't want to lose you to someone else."
"And there it is," Donna cuts in. "You don't want me but you don't want anyone else to have me either." She jumps up, needing to create some distance between, and paces the length of the balcony.
"Who says I don't want you?"
Donna freezes mid-step. Harvey stops rolling his sleeves. His eyes meet hers.
But she shakes her head and continues pacing.
"I've been here more than four months and you didn't even once…"
"Are you seriously accusing me of not making a move on you when you were traumatized and needed a friend, a safe place?" His voice lashes at her. "I might be a dick but I don't take advantage of the people I care about. Of you."
The last words come out of his mouth all strangled and strained and he swallows a lump, avoiding her gaze.
"Obviously not in the beginning." Donna is back at the egg chair. She fiddles with the chain so she can keep her back turned to him. "But you know lately. We share a bed for crying out loud and never even—" She suppresses finishing that sentence.
"You would have preferred I acquainted you with my morning wood?" Harvey deadpans.
Donna's cheeks flash a crimson red as she curls up in the egg chair again. "Maybe." She bites her nail. "Yes!" she exclaims.
A glimmer of amusement flickers over Harvey's face before he responds.
"Woman, do you know how much self-control it took to be the perfect gentleman? I have conjured up many images of your dad the past few weeks."
"You think about my dad when in bed with me?"
"Your dad, my grandma, Gretchen, Louis…"
"Stop before I never get an image of you, me, and Louis in bed out of my head."
A bemused smile formed on Harvey's lips.
"Me earning a medal for my sheer restraint is beside the point here."
Donna rolls her eyes at him.
"You wanted to move out as soon as possible. You never gave me an indication you wanted more."
Donna opens and closes her mouth. Finally, she says, "I finally saw what a burden I was to you. And there was that whole period where you avoided me, leaving everyone else to babysit me."
Harvey flinches. Not his finest moment of their run together.
"I just need you to not see me as a victim anymore. Maybe then you are able to look at me that way again."
Harvey's face softens. It never occurred to him she was worried about his perception of her.
The sun is blazing down on them and he tugs on his dress shirt. "In all the time we have been together, I have looked at you in millions of ways." He is fumbling with the buttons until his shirt falls open, revealing a sleeveless undershirt. "But in none of them have I ever not wanted you."
Donna silently watches him when he crouches down in front of her.
"You were never a burden. Don't think that for a second. It was quite the opposite. For the first time in my life, I would rather be at home than staying late at the office. And it totally conflicted with how I lived my life until now and what Louis needed of me after those weeks away." Harvey squeezes her knee, on that spot behind her kneecap where he knows she's ticklish. "I was in such a split about what I wanted and what was expected. I have a draft in my email telling Louis I'm taking all of my unused vacation hours from previous years and I have a resort at St Barths in my bookmarks but you showed me that listing at Battery Park…"
"And you chickened out," Donna finishes for him.
"No!" Harvey looks hurt. "I kept waiting for a sign from you that it was okay."
"You were gonna go on a beach vacation?" There's a rise in Donna's vocal pitch.
"With you, yeah," Harvey replies softly. "You went to Connecticut and came back right away?" He turns the questioning around. "Also should I be in awe or frightened of your mom?"
He looks up at her and surprise flickers in her eyes. Donna's mind is working overtime. Did he do a round trip to find her?
"Both, you should be both," she answers his question. "You saw my mom?"
"You went back to the city because you got the apartment?"
"Why did you kiss me?" Donna clutches her throat as she churns out the words again with a wavering voice.
"Why are you here?" he volleys back.
Donna heaves a sigh, running a hand through her hair. Her eyes sweep across Harvey's form. He's still crouching in front of her. His hands on her knees. His eyes focused on hers but warm so warm. And that's when she leans forward tentatively reaching out, the back of her fingers gently grazing his cheek. He ever so slightly leans into her touch and she knows he's ready. She just needs to allow herself to finally take that leap.
"This feels like home," her voice barely above a whisper. She shakes her head. "I didn't buy that condo."
Harvey closes his eyes for a second as relief washes over his face.
"Having you here, it's—" he halts as his voice cracks. "You shuffling around in my kitchen in your robe, messy bun, eyes barely open, in desperate need of coffee, it's everything." Her hand cups his cheek as the words huskily leave his mouth. "No longer crippled by the fear of not being good enough, I was afraid of moving too soon. Your comment to Faulkner was just—"
His words are cut off by her mouth against his. Slowly, inexorably, Donna presses her lips against Harvey's. It's soft and tentative but when he responds it's sparks and fireworks, exhilarating and familiar. He groans softly, low in his throat, and cups her face with both hands as her fingers slide along his forearms. He pauses briefly to search her face for reassurance but when he's met with the same dumbstruck smile he knows he is sporting, he crashes his lips into hers. It's a lightness, a wave of warmth that fills him up, spilling out from his heart and the warmth of Donna's lips on his and rushing to every corner of his body.
Donna moans softly as Harvey pulls back slightly. Her eyes are still closed when he briefly rests his forehead against hers, taking a few gulps of breath.
He lets go of her face, his hands slipping down her shoulders, her arms, to her waist as his head drops in her lap. She instantly threads her fingers through the hairs at the nape of his neck.
"It stopped feeling like home." Harvey's muffled sound cuts through the comfortable silence. "When you left."
Donna's hands halt for a split second before resuming their previous motion of caressing his neck and back.
"I belong with you. You are my home." Harvey says hoarsely, his breath still uneven from their kiss. "I look at you and I see us 40 years from now on the front porch of some old house with a white picket fence."
Donna's left hand flies to her mouth to hold back her emotion. This man never ceases to amaze her. For years she waited for him to show up emotionally and here he is laying it all out in front of her, being vulnerable. And it is sexy as hell.
"I struggled with my priorities but it's you. I need you. You are the only thing that matters. You are my good."
Donna pushes his head up so she can look him in the eye. "You are a good man all on your own Harvey Specter. But I like to think I make you even better."
She smiles before crushing her lips against his. She finds the hem of his undershirt and tugs on it, allowing her to roam her hand over his exposed abdomen, his pulse racing beneath her palm.
His tongue slips inside her mouth, gentle but demanding. His hands disappear underneath her top, skimming her bare skin. She starts pushing his dress shirt over his shoulders and softly bites his lip.
He growls, pulling her to her feet. She crashes into his chest and his hands are on her hips, lifting her up. She wraps her legs around him and his lips find hers again.
Harvey walks inside, only just avoiding tripping over the threshold, his head swimming with thoughts of the gorgeous woman in his arms. Donna tugs on his sleeveless undershirt. It's trapped between them so he makes a stop at the kitchen counter. Setting her down on it, he drags it over his head, exposing his broad shoulders that light up in the sunlight that is streaming in. Donna licks her lips in appreciation and he stares at her for a second, his pupils dilated. He buries his head in her neck, leaving a trail of kisses before his lips find hers again and he lifts her up to continue their path to the bedroom.
…
Hours later, Harvey is propped up on one elbow, hovering over Donna, his fingers tracing patterns over her bare skin, higher and higher until he reaches her face and his thumb brushes her swollen lips. "You are so beautiful," he murmurs.
Donna, still a bit shocked that Harvey now freely utters sweet nothings, doesn't reply immediately. He rolls away from her and climbs out of bed, padding towards the kitchen.
"Where are you going," she asks, taken aback by his abrupt withdrawal.
"Making you a fruit salad," he says, glancing over his shoulder at her. His eyes make all doubts she instantly had disappear right out of the window.
"You don't have to do that."
"I'm not going to stop taking care of you. Nothing has changed there." He starts slicing a kiwi but decides to toss the strawberries in whole. He has a plan on how to best devour them later.
Donna rolls over the bed until her head is on the side end and she has a clear view of Harvey busying himself in the kitchen.
"Some things have changed alright," she says seductively as she stares at Harvey's naked butt when he grabs fruit from the fridge.
"In fact, we should make it a house rule that you can only make my salad naked from now on."
He steps aside for a brief moment and basks in the pleasure of Donna ogling his naked form, her eyes growing darker with desire by the second.
He quickly grabs the bowl of fruit on the counter. "Did I not tell you about naked Thursdays when you first moved in?"
Donna rolls onto her back, lazily running a finger from her breasts to her abdomen. "I must have missed that memo," she purrs. "Too bad it's Friday," she says in a sultry voice, tipping her head backward to meet his gaze.
"Oh, I'm just easing you in." His eyes glaze over as he admires her body and he quickly closes the sliding doors of their bedroom, a strawberry already in his hands.
After all of you laughed and cried with me and Darvey through this story, I hope the ending was satisfying. Please let me know in a review!
I have been overwhelmed by the amount of lovely words and follows and favorites for this story. Thank you all for this 13 month journey. It's been my absolute pleasure and I hope to see you all for the epilogue and… The next story. I have three different stories outlined and my beta says she need them all, now. So as soon as I decide which to dive into first, I'll be back. If you add me to your following authors list you will be notified when I post a new story. Just saying….