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A HOPE VALLEY CHRISTMAS
Chapter II
"Restitution Begins"
"Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar,
and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way;
first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift."
Matthew 5:23-24*
. . .
"Dad, I think this just might be your best Chicken and Dumplings ever!"
"You mean I've finally mastered a meal?" asked her shocked Dad.
"Yes, Sir. But don't tell Grandma. This Chicken is every bit as good as hers. And the Dumplings might be better, by just a smidge!"
"Now, I know you were starved, Allie! It must be our celebratory brownies and ice cream making everything taste better."
Allie giggled, but, deep in thought, didn't respond to Nathan's joke at his own expense.
"Okay, out with it, Young Lady! What's on your mind, Allie Girl?"
"I was just wondering about everything that happened today. Does this mean Mrs. Thornton made a mistake all those months ago when she chose Mr. Bouchard? The kids all say she did. She sure hasn't seemed very happy at all. Like the whole thing is fake or something. She hasn't even seemed like herself! I mean, if she already doesn't want him, just like I thought she would do, doesn't that mean…"
"Allie, it isn't our place to ever judge, and most certainly not in this situation."
"But she looked really mad at him when she came marching into town, and he just seemed oblivious."
"Oblivious. I take it that was your new word at school today?"
"Yes," she admitted sheepishly.
"Can you explain to me what it means?"
"Yes, Sir. It means not being concerned with what's happening around you. Like Mr. Bouchard didn't even seem to understand Mrs. Thornton was mad at him. Or why she was even mad? Even when she flat-out told him why. If you ask me, he seemed pretty clueless all the way around. And that's totally oblivious!"
Nathan sat his glass down, a bit harder than he had intended, and sighed heavily.
"You're right, Allie. Now, can we please talk about something else?"
"Oh, sorry, Dad! Can we make some Cocoa for our thermoses in the morning, so we can take them with us when we go find our tree?"
"I believe we can manage that. Do you have your heart set on going to the same place we did last year?"
"Please! The best trees are there."
Nathan had hoped his daughter had changed her mind, as bringing last year's memories back was the last thing he wanted to do, yet he managed a smile.
"Then that's where we'll go. But I'll have to get up a bit earlier in order to make rounds before we leave. That means you'll have to make the Hot Chocolate, Kiddo, if we want our drinks to actually be hot! Can you manage?"
"Sure! Dad, are you through eating?"
Allie, out of habit, picked up her plate and started to clear the table.
"I am, Sweetheart, but put that plate down. This is your first night of Christmas Break, so go draw or read or just relax, because you're not helping with the dishes! I'll take care of washing up tonight."
"But you cooked!"
"Well, that's the point! Besides, I can't pass up an opportunity to improve my culinary skills, now, can I?"
Allie giggled.
"Wow! Thanks, Dad!"
She threw her arms around her Dad's waist, then quickly took off before he had a change of heart.
"I think I'll paint that sky we had today. It was beautiful. What shade of blue is that called?"
"Cerulean, Allie."
"Ce…ru…le…an. Hmm. Hope I can recreate it by mixing my paints," and off she went taking the steps two at a time.
Her Dad just shook his head.
"Like mother, like daughter, Colleen..."
After Nathan finished the dishes, deep in thought, he threw the dish towel over his shoulder, grabbed a cup of coffee, and walked into the living room with his forgotten towel still around his neck.
He didn't want Allie to know, but he couldn't get today out of his mind. Though, it wasn't the break-up scene playing over and over in his head. Instead, it was the intense grief he was inexplicably experiencing since the awful event had happened.
He was just beginning to adjust to this new reality Elizabeth and Lucas, together, had created and forced upon everyone, especially Allie and him.
And now all this pain for what reason? There appeared to be nothing left. Nothing for anyone.
Except for pain.
He couldn't shake this melancholy feeling that had hit hard and persisted valiantly throughout the day.
He shook his head and reached for his journal with its ever-present pen and jar of ink, all three hidden in the lower drawer of the end table.
He kept them there instead of his desk, as he often stretched out to write in his favorite worn leather chair and ottoman when alone at night, writing his thoughts, desperately trying to make some sense of that which was going on around him, along with his seemingly lonely day.
"Focus on that breathtaking cerulean sky, Nathan Grant! It may be a long time till that comes along again."
As he transported himself back to envisioning today's magnificent sky, the words tumbled from his being, making him feverishly write:
Under cerulean skies
With souls laid bare
Better to leave you behind
As I bury my past
And look to a future,
Lying ominously ahead
Unsure, unsteady
Full of emptiness
Perhaps even fear
But always, always
Frigid with loneliness,
Because it lacks you.
Yet your essence persists,
Lost in brilliant blue
That cerulean blue…
As peculiar,
As unreachable
As magnificent
And memorable as you.
He laid down his pen and sat in his chair, looking straight ahead. Having captured the words, he didn't read them, as there was no need, for they were ingrained in his heart.
But was she still in his heart, too?
No, that was impossible!
He had savagely purged her long ago.
But why, oh why, wouldn't she leave…
After a very fussy dinner with her cantankerous son, Elizabeth finally got Little Jack to bed.
It had taken reading three stories, singing two different lullabies twice, and finally making the sincere promise of a new Christmas Tree to be found tomorrow.
Drained and exhausted, she kissed her son goodnight, pulling the covers up over him and folding them around his shoulders.
Crossing the hall, she entered her bedroom, just as furious with Lucas Bouchard as she had been earlier.
But oddly, there was nothing else. No regret, no sorrow, no wishing it could be different, no wanting to fix it, no anything.
Miraculously, instead of emptiness, she felt true freedom, a sort of deep relief that she hadn't experienced since she was a teen recovering from some intense breakup or some other, often imagined, hurt.
And that simple taste of recaptured freedom, resulting in fulminant relief and familiarity, filled her heart with profound hope.
Lucas had followed her home from their, well, her public explosion in town.
"No, Lucas, you are not coming in! There is nothing to discuss. I need to be alone with my son. Please leave, before I have to ask someone to make you leave."
"Really, Elizabeth? Who are you going to ask? The good Constable? Or the Judge, sometimes Sheriff? I dare you to try it! You're just overreacting. And whatever this is you're going through, needs to be kept private between us. I'll be here tonight when you calm down. Or even tomorrow, if it takes that long. And here, put your ring back on. This is embarrassing."
"Then you'd better get used to it, because I don't even want to see that ridiculous ring, much less wear it. It's over, Lucas. You don't control me anymore!"
"No, Elizabeth, I beg to differ. This isn't over by a long shot!"
After that, she had attempted to sputter something, but she was so past the point of caring that the words wouldn't even come out, as he turned and stepped down from her front porch without once looking back.
His whole attitude had somewhat puzzled her, but in a resigned way where she really wasn't that bothered. She just wanted Lucas Bouchard out of her life. Once and for all.
Because more than anything, she wanted, needed, to find herself again.
And removing that enormous diamond ring was the first step in doing so, especially since she now realized it had simply been there as a symbol of his power over her.
Especially since they had never once talked about love, or for that matter, even mentioned it.
If she were honest, with Lucas, there wasn't even a friendship to salvage. Not unless both of them wanted to start completely over and build a new one.
Even their conversations had been scarce, with him talking and her listening, or more accurately, half-heartedly listening.
Was that, too, because she hadn't cared?
Finally, changed into her nightgown, Elizabeth fell onto her bed without even bothering to brush her hair.
Thinking back, why, she hadn't even mentioned her former fiance's name to her family, nor the fact she was engaged! Had she really been engaged to a man whose name she had never mentioned to her own mother, her father, and her two sisters?
If she were truly being honest with herself, she had never intended to introduce him, because deep down, she had known she was never going to marry him.
She also had known on some level that her parents would never have approved a marriage with this man even if she had wanted to wed him.
Her father would be mortified for her to be seeing a man who was a self-professed professional gambler, not to mention that he owned an establishment that specialized in liquor, especially in times of prohibition, which in and of itself technically, in the strictest sense of the word, made Lucas a criminal. Let's face it, The Queen of Hearts was not a fine dining establishment, although, in Lucas's defense, families did eat there occasionally, although mostly for lunch and for town events.
Her mother would be aghast knowing nothing of his social standing, because money and social standing were not the same things at all, not in her mother's mind. In fact, new money without social standing was more distasteful to her mother than having none at all.
And then it dawned on Elizabeth, the truth was Lucas Bouchard was a charmer, the kind of man she had warned her sisters against many times throughout the years!
Thinking back, Lucas had even told her in Union City that he wasn't ready for children. She covered her face. Her sisters could never know about Union City. Her Father, without a doubt, would terminate her Trust Fund.
What had she been thinking, taking an overnight trip without a chaperone? Trust fund? Her parents would probably disinherit her completely.
They would never forgive her for that little jaunt.
But the truth was she had never forgiven herself, not from the moment she saw the immense hurt in those oceans of Nathan's brilliant blue eyes, as they first passed on the Boardwalk after her return. She could tell, he and everyone else in town knew, and she was filled with shame. In any other town, she knew an unchaperoned trip with a male would have resulted in her termination as a teacher. Why, oh why, had she risked the thing besides Jack she loved most, her teaching, as well as her stellar reputation?
The more she thought, the more she realized that if there was any blame to place, and there clearly was, it fell squarely on her shoulders, not Lucas's.
Yes, he had asked and even pushed, but she had accepted, knowing full well it was wrong.
Why, oh why, had she run away from Nathan straight into this stranger's arms? A man she barely knew. One who had shown his controlling tendencies time and time again, not only to her but to all who knew him.
How had she been such a fool?
She had been afraid. Really afraid. Terrified was a more accurate description.
Had it been that fear that had caused her to succumb to Lucas's charms?
She searched her mind trying to remember one time she had been happy in this 'courtship,' and all she could come up with were the dates with all the candles and flowers. But if she was really honest, her 'happiness' hadn't been in her companionship with Lucas or even those dates, but in the memories of the many candles and flowers reminiscent of her dates with Jack.
She sobbed one heart-rendering sob, then threw her face into her pillow, so ashamed.
The truth was none of that mattered now. She had agreed to court and become engaged to Lucas not because he was the love of her life, as her book dedication now stated for all the world to see. She had simply run directly to him in order to slam the door permanently closed to any possibility of a life with Nathan Grant.
She hadn't run to love at all.
No, Elizabeth Thatcher Thornton was a coward.
She had run directly away from a deep, abiding love that terrified her like no other she had ever experienced.
Sleep evaded her as she tossed and turned, till she finally fell into a deep, very dark dream…
"Jack, it's so good to see you!" she cried, thrilled to have these moments with her beloved husband.
"Don't be so sure, Elizabeth. We have much work to do, and I'm afraid this won't be pleasant."
Jack motioned her forward.
"Where are we going?" she asked, somewhat confused, as this wasn't like Jack at all.
"Your Christmas, a year ago. But after that, we have to relive your past year."
"No, Jack, I don't want to do that. It's not a year I want you to see."
"But, Elizabeth, don't you know I already have?"
A look of horror crossed her face.
"Let's start when you and Nathan went looking for Christmas Trees."
"You know him?"
"Of course, I know him, Elizabeth. He's a good man, the best of the best. It was Nathan who dug me out of that rubble with his own bare hands. He did everything medically that he could. And when there was nothing else to do, he just held me and comforted me. Others wouldn't have, but he did. He even sang 'Danny Boy' as I died. It was beautiful. He was my earthly angel, Elizabeth, my brother-in-arms. Don't you know I asked him to keep you and my unborn son safe?" (*4)
"You knew I was pregnant? You knew we were having a Son?"
"Of course, I knew. That made me so very happy, Elizabeth. I can't tell you how happy I was that day, knowing we were having a Son together!"
"The day you died?"
"Yes, all was well."
"Well? I'd hardly say well. But…but why did you send Nathan to us?"
"Don't you know?"
She looked blankly.
"Come on, Elizabeth, he loves Little Jack as much as he would love his own son, which he'll have someday times over. But let's be honest here. You're the love of his life. He's the love of your life too. You were always meant to be together. You're just too stubborn to admit it. Really, Elizabeth! Telling the man who told you he loved you, was in love with you, that you only saw me in him?"
Jack guffawed.
"You surely have noticed, aside from the red serge, we look absolutely nothing alike! The man's got a bit of height on me. Maybe looks, too, for that matter! In case you haven't noticed, most women prefer tall, dark, and handsome, do they not?"
Then he got serious.
"Those words you said to him, well, they cut that man to the core, Elizabeth. A biting comment like that destroys all but the strongest. Anyway, I'm not here to champion Nathan Grant; he's man enough to do that on his own. But I am here to show you what you've become. Look at this day in the forest hunting for Christmas Trees. You both were so close to really opening up. And then, at his home, when you helped decorate their tree, love was right there at your fingertips, but you turned away from it. Even with my help. The cardinal was there for a reason, but that flew right over your head!"
Jack paused sadly, continuing on.
"Then you made a beeline straight to the Hamilton flash of those lanterns with Lucas. Oh, and later, there's the library he gifted you. Surely you know when a man gifts something that extravagant, he's wanting you in return. What did you expect, for the man to run away from your come hither looks? Well, you must know that answer because he got you, at least this you I don't even recognize. And don't even get me started on those 'non-date' dates! I never thought I'd see the day you let a man manipulate you. However, there's one actual date that does stand out for me. There's our sick son crying for his mother, but you were busy holding hands with, well, you know who. Look who's holding our Little Jack, Elizabeth."
"I know who was holding him, Jack. Laura is a very capable nanny."
"Yes, she is most capable, but are you sure she's the one holding our Son?"
Elizabeth looked again, and there stood Nathan walking around the entire first floor of her rowhouse, comforting her Son, singing him that old Irish Lullaby, 'Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ral.' (*5)
"I didn't know, Jack. Why is Nathan there?"
"Well, perhaps you should have known, Elizabeth. Nathan was the one who put Jack to bed. Laura had to go help her Dad that night, who was feeling poorly. Since Nathan didn't want you to see him there, he's the one who called Rosemary after he got Jack to fall asleep."
"But Jack," interrupted Elizabeth. "I don't want you to think I was ever in love with Lucas. This was never about him!"
"Nor you either, apparently. Listen, I have limited time. Look at the people who truly love you, Elizabeth. Look how you've treated them this past year."
"There's beautiful Allie. What did that sweet child ever do to you? She just wants a mother, Elizabeth, like her wonderful Colleen, and that's who she saw in you. What an honor! You not only rejected her, but you also broke her heart, so viciously too! And on Mother's Day! Can you imagine the pain you inflicted on that child?"
"Oh, and there's Bill, the man who is like a father to me, and to you. The godfather of our Son. What did you do? You told him to stay out of your life. All for Bouchard. That precious man with a heart of gold who took us in like family was and is deeply hurt, Elizabeth."
"And there's our passionate, 'live life with gusto,' theatrical Rosemary, the best friend a person could ever have, the best friend you will ever have, Elizabeth! What did you do? Look at the many, many times you asked her to take care of Jack! Oh, make no mistake, she loves him like her own, and would give her very life for him. But did it ever occur to you the pain she experiences every time she looks at Jack, wanting so desperately to have a child of her own? Must not have because you attacked her too."
"There's also that beautiful advice you spewed to Ned, and to his daughter Katie!"
"At least I did one thing right!"
"Did you? Given what was going on in your own life, wasn't that advice rather hypocritical? Talking about your greatest joys resulting from your biggest fears, when you were running like a mad woman from Nathan and his love because of being fearful that if you loved him, you would lose him?"
"Stop, Jack! This isn't necessary to revisit."
"Oh, but it is most necessary, Elizabeth. This dream is your reality, what you've become. Shall I spell it out? Selfish, self-centered, thoughtless, cruel. I could go on."
"Stop! Stop! Stop! Please stop, Jack! I can't bear it..."
Awaking early to escape her awful dream, with her hands pressing on her throbbing head, Elizabeth was truly shaken as her recent past had been relived from the perspectives of others, throughout her tormented night.
And heartbreakingly, her beloved Jack had seen it all.
It had been her own private version of Christmas Past, led in her dream by her Husband, sadly showing her each and every awful event that had transpired from last Christmas till now.
"Oh, Jack, that can't be me! I don't know which breaks my heart more: that you've seen all these awful things I've done or that I have actually done them and treated my friends so despicably!"
Had she really told Nathan those awful lies, and in his place of work too? Had she never explained that she was, in fact, in love with him with all her heart but simply couldn't take the risk of losing him? Hadn't he at least deserved an explanation? Wouldn't he have helped her through her fear? And even if not, shouldn't she have at least respected this precious man enough to explain her choice after all he had been to her?
And dear, sweet Allie! Had she really been that cruel to refuse her kind dinner invitation? Though that was minor compared to refusing her wish for a mother. Oh no! Jack was right; that had happened on Mother's Day of all days! Why hadn't she sat down with the child and tried to explain her choice, while reassuring Allie, that she loved her like a daughter?
Jack had said it was because perhaps she couldn't explain what she was doing to herself. Was he right? Had she been that disconnected from herself and from everyone who mattered? Even her own Son?
Had she really treated Rosemary like her personal servant, demanding her 'friendship' when it inconvenienced her best friend, but convenienced her own selfish whims? All the while, completely ignoring her friend's advice and even warnings, vehemently telling her in no uncertain terms to stay out of her personal life?
Had she truly shut Bill out of her life as well, the man she adored as much as her own father, who understood her even better, all because he hadn't approved of Lucas, and rightfully so?
And poor Little Jack!
Elizabeth covered her face in shame. She was his sole caregiver. His sole parent.
Had she really left her Son to go on an outlandish date, knowing he was sick? Had she left him in other people's care ninety percent of the time, while being so self-absorbed she hadn't even missed him?
"Oh, Dear God! My most precious gift from You and from Jack, and I threw him away?"
"Oh, and my beloved students! Have I been that distant and short-tempered, presenting half-heartedly prepared lessons, and…?"
"I even had the audacity to spew my pompous words of wisdom to friends when I couldn't even follow them myself!"
"And then those psychotic outbursts in the street with Nathan and now, Lucas in front of the whole town!"
"Did I really have the audacity to disparage Nathan over his lack of parenting skills when he has been a parent longer than I have? And an excellent one too?"
"What in this world have I done?"
"And dear, sweet Nathan has borne the brunt of all of this!"
"How will these dear people ever forgive me?"
"How will Nathan ever forgive me?"
"How will I forgive myself?"
"How do I fix this, Dear God?"
But the answer to that had been in her dream too. Jack had told her the only way to fix this mess was to restore her true self and make restitution to those she had hurt.
Restore herself to the woman Jack loved, the woman Nathan loved.
Even Jack no longer loved her, and probably Nathan too, but who could blame them?
She didn't even love herself. In fact, she didn't even like herself.
And that had to change...
. . .
*3. Matthew 5:23-24, The Holy Bible, King James Version, Public Domain
*4. 'Danny Boy,' Ballad, Frederic Weatherly, 1913, Public Domain
*5. 'Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ral,' Irish Lullaby, James Royce Shannon, 1913, Public Domain