.

A HOPE VALLEY CHRISTMAS

Chapter III

"Seeking Forgiveness"

Part I

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness".

I John 1:9*

. . .

Elizabeth first stored everything she had prepped for today's evening meal in the icebox and on the counter, depending on the need, then she carefully wrapped the Blueberry Scones she had just baked fresh from the oven into a tea towel and grabbed a jar of Lemon Curd, both favorites of Rosemary.

"Ready to see Auntie Rosie, Sweet Boy?"

Jack's toothless grin couldn't be contained.

"Have you chosen which toy to take?"

"Mou'tie, Mama!"

That in itself should have told her something. With all the fancy toys Lucas had purchased for her Son over the last year, determined to win his favor, Jack persistently chose the simple wooden Mountie Nathan had carved for him. That Mountie went everywhere with Jack, even to Church.

After all, she couldn't very well argue that Mounties didn't go to Church, as Nathan was there at Service each Sunday, and often in his Serge coming from his morning rounds. So, Jack had handily won that little debate!

Elizabeth smiled and kissed her little boy.

"Let's wrap that scarf a little more snugly, Son!"

"There, I think we're ready…"

Never before had Elizabeth been nervous going next door to her best friend's house, but that was exactly how she was feeling now, standing at the Coulters' front door with knots in her stomach, wanting to turn and run.

But as hard as this was, she knew it had to be done!

She knocked on the door, apprehension and dread causing her to feel weak in her knees.

As the door opened, Elizabeth looked down forlornly, praying she would know what to say.

"Elizabeth, I didn't expect to see you!" admitted a surprised Rosemary.

Rosemary was already down on Jack's level hugging him and stripping him of his heavy outerwear and accessories.

"Auntie Rosie, me bwought my Mou'tie!"

"I see you have, Jack! Want to find your horsies and ride off into the sunset?"

The little boy giggled and headed straight toward the toy chest the Coulters had bought for him to use when he was at their home.

"Elizabeth, what can I do for Jack?"

Had taking care of Jack been the only reason she had come to visit her neighbor? Elizabeth had a sinking feeling that Rosemary was wondering how long she was expected to care for the little tyke this time, as that's exactly what his Mama had done, at least over this past year. Elizabeth couldn't remember a single time she had sat down to simply talk with her neighbor, not since their explosive discussion regarding Lucas, mostly because she hadn't wanted to hear what her best friend had to say.

Yes, anger, conflict, disbelief, disdain, and a whole lot of frustration had lain between these two formerly best friends since last Christmas. But in Elizabeth's defense, she was finally beginning to understand that Rosemary had, as any best friend would, Elizabeth's own best interests at heart. How had she so summarily dismissed this woman who knew her better than anyone and had befriended her now for all these years?

"I…I made you your favorite Blueberry Scones and…a…I mean, I brought you a jar…a jar of your favorite Lemon Curd."

Rosemary seemed taken aback, but quickly regained her composure.

"How lovely!" she noted, totally shocked. "Come on into the kitchen. The kettle is already on."

As Elizabeth tentatively seated herself, Rosemary prepared the Scones and Curd, placing them on a small but very pretty tray covered with roses. The roses were both artsy and striking. How had she not noticed them before?

"Here we go!" smiled Rosemary, as she set the filled tray on the table. "Oops! There goes the whistle. I'd say that's perfect timing."

Elizabeth again prayed silently as Rosemary prepared their Tea.

'Please, God, just help me find the right words.'

In no time, Rosemary sat and poured for both of them from her fancy tea set, decorated with the same unique roses, which Elizabeth for the life of her couldn't remember.

"Your tea service is really beautiful. Is it new?"

Rosemary looked at her like she had lost her mind.

"Elizabeth, you gave this entire set to me, two years ago for Christmas."

Mortified, a pang went through Elizabeth's heart. Had she been so self-centered that no one else mattered? Had she been that disconnected?

The old considerate Elizabeth had spent hours shopping the elite boutiques of Hamilton to find this perfect tea set for Rosemary, who had been in need of one. It had also been a way to honor their friendship, as the two of them together were most likely the ones who would be using it. But that was before she had made such a disaster of her life!

Elizabeth swallowed hard.

"Of course, I did! Oh, Rosemary, I've been so terribly confused! That…that's actually why I'm here."

Rosemary looked surprised.

"I…I have been the worst friend ever over this past year. Rosemary, I know I don't deserve forgiveness, much less yours. But I'm asking for it now, and at the same time, I also promise to work hard to be worthy of your friendship from now on. That's a vow, Rosemary."

Rosemary saw the panic in Elizabeth's eyes, as though without her former best friend, she would be lost. But Rosemary and Lee together had given and given till there was simply no more to give. She didn't know what to say.

Was Elizabeth really contrite, or did she just need her since yesterday's break-up with Lucas, which Rosemary was not at all sure was final?

Elizabeth nervously continued.

"I was so wrong when I shut you off from giving me advice. Who better than my best friend to know me and point me in the right direction? I'm afraid I've made some horrible mistakes, really horrible mistakes, Rosemary. But worse than that, I've treated you like my servant, and I am so deeply sorry. I've just expected you to always be there to take care of Jack whenever I needed or wanted, no matter what," she hesitated, but Rosemary's solemn look told her to say it all. "Just so I could be with Lucas. There I said it. But you were so right. I've been miserable the whole time! He was never the man I wanted to be with at all. Or should have been with. I'm so sorry, Rosemary. I was so selfish trying to create my perfect little fantasy world, that I didn't think about you, how you felt, or what you needed. I'm just so very sorry I was so demanding, inconsiderate, and rude, even. I can't tell you how embarrassed I am. I…I abused your kind, giving nature, as well as our friendship, and I don't ever intend to do that again. You have my word that I will do my very best to be the best, best friend possible to you from here on out."

"I hate to say this, Elizabeth, but, truthfully, your word hasn't meant a lot as of late."

Rosemary wasn't speaking in anger, just in truth.

"If you and I are ever going to be true friends again, both of us have to be open and be able to say to each other whatever is on our minds without being attacked. I can't continue as we are with you dictating what I can and can't say. I'm sorry, I just can't. That isn't fair to you or to me."

"I know that, and believe it or not, I realize I should never have…"

Elizabeth raised her eyes upward, unable to look Rosemary in the eye.

"I'm just so sorry I refused to listen to you. You know me, well, the real me, better than anyone. I can't apologize enough for how I've damaged our friendship."

"You didn't just damage our friendship, Elizabeth. You damaged yourself. You damaged me personally, and because of that, you damaged Lee. You also damaged Bill. You damaged Nathan worst of all, more than any human should ever have to put up with, and you damaged his beautiful, sweet child. You even damaged your own sweet child. That little boy in there means the world to me, and I had to stand by time after time and watch you ignore him. You may end up hating me for what I'm about to say, but we can't move forward if I'm not completely honest with you. The only reason I didn't call your parents to come and get Jack, was because Bill, Lee, and I couldn't bear him being taken away from us. Lee is actually the one who pointed that out to Bill and me. That's how removed you've been, Elizabeth, even from your own child. You neglected him time and time again. And as much as I tried to keep it hidden, the entire town saw it."

Elizabeth gasped, speechless, and turned so pale that it scared Rosemary.

Had she come that close to losing her Son? The mere thought sent Elizabeth into a panic.

But the sad truth was, Elizabeth couldn't take exception with anything Rosemary was saying. She simply covered her face in shame, just as she had earlier.

She wanted to sob, but she fought to control herself. Her little boy was in the next room, and she had to be strong for him. She owed him that and so much more!

Rosemary took her hand.

"I don't say any of this to hurt you, Elizabeth, but you need to see exactly what you did, with your 'no-responsibilities, let's-have-fun-attitude.' You also need to know if something like this ever happens again, as guardian, I'll petition the courts for Jack, myself."

Elizabeth let out a cry, then put her fist to her mouth so Jack wouldn't hear her cries.

It took her several minutes to recover, and not a word was said during that time.

"I...I don't even know...who or what I became, Rosemary. I don't even know this person you're describing. I truly don't. But I know, God help me, as horrible as it was, I did everything you said and more. Please, please forgive me. Please!"

Rosemary moved to wrap her arms around her friend.

"That person is gone, Rosemary, I promise. I will spend every day fighting to get my old self back, as a better, improved self. But Rosemary, I can't do this without you. I just can't!"

"I'm not going anywhere, Elizabeth. Don't you know I love you? We all love you! We just want to see you with love in your life, being happy and well. No matter what you think, you, the real you I know, deserve all that and more!"

"I'm not so sure about being deserving of anything after all my many blunders, but I do love you, Rosemary, and I've missed you so. You're the best friend I've ever had."

Then remembering her dream, she made an addition.

"And I know deep down in my heart, you're the best friend I'll ever have! I need you in my life full throttle with your opinions, your advice, your suggestions, and your warnings. I'll never shut you out again, Rosemary, if you can just, please forgive me?"

Rosemary seriously pondered Elizabeth's words along with her contrite demeanor.

Elizabeth looked and sounded sincere, yet Rosemary had been through this living nightmare with her every step of the way, and because of that, she was still a bit hesitant to fully believe her.

She thought a moment and then prayed quickly over what to do when suddenly a peace came over her.

"I do fully forgive you, Elizabeth. The past is done, and all is forgiven. But moving forward, it's in the best interest of both of us to each commit and fully honor the parameters we've discussed, so that we can both be in a healthy place with our friendship. I want my old Elizabeth back more than anything, not this sham of a person I've had to deal with the past year."

Elizabeth winced at the word describing her.

But the truth was, that was exactly what she had become.

A sham.

Someone she herself didn't recognize.

"Are we going to talk about what happened yesterday," asked Rosemary gently.

"Oh, Rosemary, I'm so embarrassed! I should never ever have started anything in the first place with Lucas, much less a relationship. He's all wrong for me, and I'm all wrong for him. And deep down, I knew it from the very start. This whole thing has just been one disaster after another, with me pretending to be someone I'm not. As you said, we both know who I've hurt the most. And knowing that is truly unbearable!"

Elizabeth covered her face yet again, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

Rosemary pulled out a silk handkerchief from her pocket.

She had known from the beginning that it was going to take something significant to wake Elizabeth up from her downward spiral but had been too gracious to say so.

She also knew it had just been a matter of time before it happened, as there hadn't even existed a foundation built to crack in Elizabeth's faux 'relationship' with Lucas.

So, Rosemary understood better than anyone why the change in Elizabeth's book dedication had been the last straw.

She also understood why the change in the dedication was so personally catastrophic to Elizabeth, as it had been her way to memorialize Jack with a beautiful constant for the world to see, helping her to move on from her grief.

But Lucas seemed to understand none of that!

To fill the awkward silence, searching for a kinder way, Rosemary finally offered her friend hope.

"I saw the old Elizabeth in town, yesterday. That Elizabeth has the intelligence and strength to fix this mess. She truly does, which means you do, Elizabeth!"

Elizabeth nodded, halfway believing Rosemary.

"You must hate me. I've not only been a horrible friend to you and everyone else, but the awful thing is that I know you're right. I have been such a horrible mother to my child."

Elizabeth looked up and finally noticed the tears in Rosemary's eyes.

She reached to take her friend's hand.

"I can only imagine how deeply that must have hurt you. Rosemary, you will be the perfect mother when the time is right."

"You can't possibly know that, Elizabeth."

"I already know it. Look at how you are with Jack, He adores you, Rosemary! And I promise to pray that most special time comes very, very soon. I can't wait to return the favor of caring for your little one! It's going to happen!"

Rosemary's breath caught.

"You truly have changed. What's really happened, Elizabeth?"

"It's the most unbelievable thing! By giving that ring back to Lucas, for the first time since I was a teenager, I feel free again. I don't want to say bad things about him, but Rosemary, we both know he is controlling by nature and very socially conscious. All the things I hope I'm not."

"You mean snooty?"

It was then that both women broke out in laughter, which was exactly what they both needed.

"I do believe these are the best Blueberry Scones you've ever made, Dear Friend," declared Rosemary.

But it was the words, 'Dear Friend' that touched Elizabeth's heart more than the compliment.

"You really are going to forgive me, aren't you?"

"As I've said, you're already forgiven, Elizabeth, completely. But moving forward into your future, please stand in your own truth. For your sake, I can't stand by if there is any more of this pretend world because if there is, you won't only be damaging yourself, you'll be damaging everyone who loves you. If that were to happen again, I just simply couldn't stand by and watch the spiraling out of control happen all over again. I wouldn't be able to continue our friendship. And as much as that pains me to say, I mean that, Elizabeth."

Elizabeth nodded.

"I understand. I'd do the same thing if I was in your place. It shouldn't have happened the first time, much less a second. I don't even think I myself could survive something similar. No more pretense. It's a promise."

"And Elizabeth, for your own self-good, please resolve things with that poor man you've trampled on. As well as his precious daughter. You've created an awful situation, and the entire town feels helpless to make it better. Only you can do that!"

"Rosemary, I honestly don't even know where to start with Nathan and Allie. I've done unbelievable damage. I know it. Some, you don't even know about. Somehow, though, by the grace of God, I intend to find a way to make things right. No matter what it takes or what that ends up looking like! I just want to see Nathan healed and happy more than anything else. Allie too. Rosemary, I give you my word, I'll never ever knowingly hurt either of them again."

"You'd better not! You'll have me to answer to this time around. And that's a promise! You know, this is the first time I've heard you really focus on someone other than yourself in a very long time. I truly worry about Nathan, Elizabeth. You've left him with unanswered questions for far too long, which is in itself torture to a man, not to mention you and Lucas parading around town! Nathan simply loved you, Elizabeth, with all his heart. I truly don't mean to hurt you, but you must know you've broken his heart into a million pieces."

That comment sent a stab of physical pain throughout Elizabeth's body because that was exactly what she had done, time and time again.

"Imagine if you had had to watch him all over town with someone else. And although I'm sure he wouldn't have flaunted a relationship, just imagine how you would have felt!"

Elizabeth couldn't even bear the thought.

"I know what I did was awful, Rosemary. I admit it, but I just don't know how to make everything right with Nathan and Allie, quite yet. But I am trying to figure out how to fix it. I truly am!"

"My advice? Keep trying till you do!"

"I intend to do just that, Rosemary. I give you my word."

The two Ladies embraced each other.

Then they walked into the Living Room arm-in-arm, both feeling a mix of emotions, realizing the real work of restoring their friendship was just beginning.

Of course, there was hesitancy and even some real trepidation about their future. But both had forgiven, and both were moving forward, together, in faith.

Elizabeth, drained, gathered her Son and started putting on his coat.

"Rosemary, I hate to even ask you this, given our conversation, but are you going to be here for a while," asked Elizabeth sheepishly.

"You need me to watch Jack?"

"Only if you would want. It's just that I have quite a few more people I need to apologize to as well. And I have to give some things back to Lucas, so that's over and done with, once and for all."

"I know that's a hard thing, but it's the honorable thing to do, given the circumstances. But I'm sorry, Elizabeth, I really can't today! I have to chair a Committee Meeting in town, in less than half an hour."

It literally pained Rosemary to say no, especially since she could have taken Jack with her, but the grown-ups of Hope Valley couldn't take any chances. They had to be sure Elizabeth was really healing, and their real Elizabeth was truly back. Till then, there would be no more enabling from any of the townspeople, especially Rosemary. Not until they were sure Elizabeth was truly herself again!

Rosemary finished dressing Jack as Elizabeth put on her own coat, scarf, and gloves.

"I totally understand. You've helped us so much, Rosemary. More than anyone else would have, and probably lots more than you should have. From now on, you come to get Jack when it's convenient for you."

"I will, but don't be afraid to ask either. I'll just let you know when it's inconvenient this time around! Thanks for the Blueberry Scones and the Lemon Curd. I'm going to pack up a couple and take them to Lee before my meeting!"

The two women embraced one last time, both pleased the process of healing had begun, but both still knowing continuous actions needed to follow on both their parts.

They had made a good start today toward that very thing, but both knew they had a very long, hard road ahead to fully heal and get to that healthy place where true best friends needed to be.

Both of them not only wanted their friendship to work, but they also wanted it to work beautifully, with both as equal givers and equal takers.

Which was something that had been missing for a very long time!

And while both were fully committed to putting in the work, both were also very relieved they had started the beginning of their new journey and made it thus far!

"Elizabeth, you can do this. We can do this, by the grace of God. We just both need to pray, and you need to have Joseph pray too. I promise I'll do my part to help! I'm really glad we had our talk. It's been long overdue! And I, for one, feel so much better that we've at least cleared the air!"

"Me too! I love you, Rosemary, just like a sister!"

"Well, sisters do fuss from time to time! So, given this little scenario we've muddled through, I suppose we truly are sisters! You know, it's this Elizabeth, the real Elizabeth I truly love, and I'm so happy she's finding her way back home. I've really, really missed her…"

On their way past Rosemary's rowhouse, Elizabeth felt a weight lift from her shoulders. It hadn't been easy, but she and Rosemary were beginning to find their way. And that was what was important.

'Thank you, Dear God, for helping me make restitution. Help me to continue to do so each and every day where my best friend is concerned.'

Headed to town, when Elizabeth looked up, she and Jack saw Nathan making his way toward his own rowhouse in a wagon.

Elizabeth's stomach did visceral somersaults at just the sight of this man, the same way it had always done, even when Lucas had been standing right there beside her.

Perhaps especially then.

"Nat'an, Nat'an!" yelled Little Jack as loudly as he could.

Nathan smiled shyly and waved, as he stopped the wagon in front of his porch.

'Goodness, this man looks good hopping out of a wagon,' thought Elizabeth. 'Even in his casual clothes!'

At the same time, Allie came out of their home with thermoses.

"Be careful, Jack," called Elizabeth, as he was already running as fast as his little legs could carry him to Nathan.

Nathan grabbed Jack and lifted him high to the tune of copious giggles.

"Good morning, Nathan," though Elizabeth averted her eyes as she still couldn't look the man in the eye.

"Elizabeth," he nodded.

"Oh, hi, Mrs. Thornton."

Allie was super polite, but something was also different, reserved.

"Good morning, Allie! I hope you enjoyed your first night of Christmas Break."

"Thank you, I did," answered Allie, but without elaborating.

"Well, Dad, I guess we better go get our Christmas Tree!"

"Cwis mas Twee? Me go too, Mama!"

"Jack, this trip is a family trip for Nathan and Allie. We're not invited, Son."

"But me want a Cwis mas Twee! me need a Cwis mas Twee! You pwomise, Mama!"

"Mrs. Thornton, Jack can go with us, can't he, Dad?" asked Allie excitedly.

"That depends on what his mother says, Allie."

"I suppose we could go."

"Allie, will you please take Jack inside and get him a glass of milk to drink before we start out, if that's okay, Elizabeth?"

"Of course," but Elizabeth had a sinking feeling, and rightfully so.

As soon as Allie had taken Jack inside for his milk, Nathan inched toward Elizabeth, needing to share something privately, but he, too, nervously averted his eyes.

"Elizabeth, you should know Lucas visited me this morning at the office when I returned from rounds."

"Why would he do that?"

"That's the same question I asked of him. I made it perfectly clear I have nothing to do with the two of you. But he seems to think otherwise."

Elizabeth's heart fell.

"Lucas let me know in no uncertain terms, you and he are still very much engaged. But the truth is, Elizabeth, I don't need to know one way or the other. You need to make him understand that whatever you two decide to do, it does not involve me."

She nodded and swallowed hard.

"Of…of course."

"Elizabeth, given all this, it's really not appropriate that you come with us today. And if I'm perfectly honest, even if that didn't matter, I'm…I'm not sure…I could manage you being with us. I…I am sorry to be so blunt."

"No, Nathan, don't be sorry at all. I…I understand. I'll talk to Lucas about not blaming you for his shortcomings. And…and…I'll take Jack home to change into some warmer clothes if you're sure you don't mind taking him. I…I should warn you, he can…can be…be a handful," she stuttered.

At that very moment, the children came out on the porch hand-in-hand.

"I just gave him a small juice glassful of the milk, Mrs. Thornton."

"That was very wise of you. Thank you, Allie!"

Jack was already trying to get Nathan to lift him up on the wagon.

"Nathan and Allie are being kind enough to include you on their trip, Jack, but first, Mama has to take you home and get you into some warmer clothes!"

"We could give you both a ride," offered Nathan quietly.

"Oh no, thank you, the distance is much too short for that! Come, Jack. Nathan and Allie will pick you up at home. Let's hurry, so we don't make them late…"

As Nathan drove off with Jack tucked securely under his left arm, between Allie and him, the children waved, and Nathan tipped his hat.

She caught her breath, and at the same time, felt like she was abominably sick inside.

The phrase 'I'm not sure I could manage you being with us,' kept playing over and over in her mind.

"Oh, Dear God, what have I done?"

Never had she hurt another living person so badly in her life.

Yet her conundrum was, never had she loved someone so intensely either.

Elizabeth sighed heavily as the three people she loved most in this world drove out of sight; her Son, as happy as a lark…

. . .

*6. I John 1:9, The Holy Bible, King James Version, Public Domain