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A HOPE VALLEY CHRISTMAS
Chapter IV
"Seeking Forgiveness"
Part II
"Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth."
I John 2:8*
. . .
Elizabeth had planned to take Lucas's things to Florence so she could put them in his postal box to pick up along with his mail, but this little one-upmanship with Nathan now demanded a personal visit.
No one was winning in this horrible situation.
But since she was the central figure in all of this mess, it fell to her to make things right.
And she was finally ready to do so!
At least as much as she could.
Bill's apology would have to wait till after, as would Ned's and Katie's too.
But this visit with Lucas was now critical; it had to be done, once and for all, and it had to be done now!
She started off, walking almost as fiercely as she had yesterday, on a mission to put an end to this complicit disaster that had controlled her life this entire past year.
Even with taking in the splendor of the town's brand-new, beautiful Christmas decorations, she actually reached The Queen of Hearts in record time.
Elizabeth just wanted to get this over with.
But was she imagining it, or had people actually been friendlier to her along the way? Smiling, waving, and even calling hello?
They had, and she had to admit, it felt good, like old times…
As Elizabeth opened the huge front door of the saloon, she was embarrassed but relieved to find the place relatively empty. There were just a couple of tables filled toward the back, which suited her fine, as she intended to take the table by the front window. As long as she could see the townspeople passing, she felt less alone.
And at this moment, she needed all the support she could get!
Reaching the table, she set down her box in the center of it, then seated herself most ladylike closest to the door, as Lucas lazily meandered over from the bar, striving to take a temperature of her emotional state now that this was a new day.
Surely, after a good night's sleep, she was herself again!
Or so he thought.
"Elizabeth, good morning! What can I get you, Love?"
"Would you please sit down, Lucas, so we can talk? But first, let's make one thing perfectly clear, I am not your Love! And if we're being completely honest with each other, you and I both know I never have been."
He raised his eyebrows at that remark but chose to ignore it, as he sat down across from her with his pot of tea.
"Lucas, I came here to apologize."
"Good! I knew you would come to your senses, Sweetheart," he smirked with a pompous grin, although now having seen the box, with a hint of growing trepidation.
"I'm afraid you misunderstand, Lucas! And I am not your Sweetheart either."
He sighed heavily and proceeded to pour their tea, then he set the pot down firmly, refusing to look Elizabeth in the eye.
In spite of that, she continued on.
"I am sorry for breaking up with you in the way I did, attacking you in front of the whole town. That was rude and very unladylike, as well as most socially improper, just as it was when I did the same thing to Nathan regarding another matter, to whom I also intend to apologize. I don't mean to hurt you, Lucas. However, I am not the slightest bit sorry for breaking up with you!"
"You don't mean that."
"Lucas, I have never had the intent of my words questioned prior to you. And I don't appreciate having them questioned by you now, yet again!"
"Calm down, Elizabeth. Let's not get all high and mighty," he muttered under his breath. "I have every right to question your words when you're this irrational."
"Irrational? How dare you!"
This wasn't the man she had spent much of the last year with. Or was it? Had she been that blind?
"Now, quieten down, Elizabeth. This is, after all, a public place, too. And whether you realize it or not, I do have a reputation to uphold."
"And I don't?"
When she said the words, she suddenly became aware that the sterling reputation she previously had prior to a year ago, had been thrown away the moment she entered into a relationship with this dubious man, or more precisely, the moment she had traveled with him to Union City, unchaperoned.
'Oh, what the townspeople must have thought," mused Elizabeth silently, finally realizing both the import and cost of that overnight trip.
Lucas just snickered at her question.
"After all, Elizabeth, you are a widow."
She slapped his face so hard at the implication, he drew his hand across his cheek, and for a split second, she thought, based on the fury in his eyes, he was going to respond in part.
But the customers at the back two tables suddenly shifted their chairs in unison, and pointedly looked their way as though they were ready to jump up and intervene, causing both to calm down considerably.
"I will not apologize for doing that, as it was deserved. How ungentlemanly of you to mention my widowhood, of all things! And especially in that horrid tone."
"I suppose you're right, although true. But, Elizabeth, I have been the perfect gentleman in this relationship, and you, of all people, know it," he hissed under his breath, not wanting anyone else to hear. "You haven't even kissed me properly since that night in the library, Elizabeth. On the cheek, yes, many times, and even elsewhere, but never a real kiss on the lips. Think how that rejection makes a man feel!"
"Lucas, there is no need to rehash the past. Nothing you say or do will change my mind. Can we just start this conversation over in a more civil tone?"
He sighed again, looking most preoccupied as she watched him slowly begin to accept the inevitable.
She continued in a calm voice, albeit forced.
"Additionally, I want you to know that I'm sorry for using you, and I think you know what I mean."
"I need to hear you say the words," he snarked, emphasizing each word.
"Very well. You knew there was something between Nathan and me from the very beginning. But I was afraid to risk losing him. So, I ran to you and tried hard to create a life with you, I suppose to make it impossible to have a life with him. I think, on some level, we both knew that. However, I am deeply ashamed of my actions. They weren't fair to you, or even to me. And if we're being honest, most definitely not to Nathan. I myself don't even understand why I did what I did. But I'm very sorry that I've used you, that I've hurt you."
"So, allow me to understand. You could stand to lose me in death, but not him? Is that what you're telling me?"
"I think I thought since you weren't a Mountie, you were safer somehow, that you wouldn't die. That we could live a long life together. Can you understand that, given my loss of Jack?"
He nodded yes, but said nothing, while he simply stared at her.
"Although, I now know my grief is no longer an excuse, Lucas."
"Good. It's about time you realize that, for everyone's sake!"
She chose to ignore his condescending words.
"I've also never told you this, but you have courted me in a very similar style as my late husband, with the hundreds of candles and many flowers. I'm afraid I linked you with Jack because of that. Somehow, it was like having a piece of him back with me, again. I'm deeply sorry. That wasn't at all fair to you."
"And here all this time, I thought it was the Mountie you linked with your husband," he smirked.
She chose to ignore that remark, as well.
"I understand you visited Nathan this morning, letting him know you still 'owned' me. You don't own me, but more importantly, you are to never taunt Nathan again. You and I together have hurt him enough. Do you understand me?"
He nodded yes, slowly, but there was no confirmation in his blank eyes.
"The truth is, Elizabeth, I would have given anything for you to look at me the way you looked at that Mountie. Yet all this time, you never did, not even once. Not even when I pulled out all the stops on the most romantic of dates. Not even on the balloon ride. I suppose that was why after our two passionate kisses, you chose to abstain?"
Elizabeth's face reddened hearing the words out loud.
"That brings me to something else, Lucas. Something we never spoke of. Do you love me? Do you love my Son?"
That caught him so off guard, he was unable to say anything.
His face was totally apoplectic.
"Just as I thought. Neither of us loves the other, and you yourself said you weren't ready for children. I can't believe I didn't remember that. That could have prevented this whole debacle. Given that, and a million other things, a marriage between us would never, ever work. Lucas, you deserve a woman who is head over heels in love with you, and I'm sure you will have that someday. It just isn't me. Do you understand?"
He nodded his head again, but still slowly.
The truth was he had never wanted marriage, not now, maybe not ever.
But that wasn't something Elizabeth needed to know.
"You're right, Elizabeth…about everything, actually."
She spoke her next words matter-of-factly, without any recrimination in her voice.
But she needed to know.
"This was a game you played to win, wasn't it?"
"A gentleman shouldn't say, but yes, I'll admit, that's how it all started out."
Elizabeth just shook her head, unable to comprehend his motives, nor understand how she hadn't seen it before.
But she was seeing their reality now, as twisted as it was.
"And continued throughout?"
"Yes," he admitted.
"Well, this 'game' has officially ended. This box includes everything you've ever given me, every photo we've ever taken together. I'm truly sorry, Lucas, about all this mess."
He hadn't expected that at all, nor her now calm, almost regal composure.
Taking the box, Lucas sighed heavily.
"I suppose I'm sorry too. I am sorry about changing the dedication to your book. I meant no harm. It just bothered me. A lot! And you should be smart enough to figure out why."
Ignoring that retort, she simply glared.
"I accept your apology. But I do expect you to remove your erroneous dedication to my book and replace it with my original dedication honoring my husband if I'm lucky enough to have a second printing."
"I can do that. Given our current circumstances, I hardly want your name associated with mine in perpetuity."
"Lucas, do you think we could start over and maybe learn to be civil with each other at some point?"
He eyed her up and down.
"Perhaps, after all this blows over. All the gossip, I mean. I'd like to save some face in all this. May I ask you one question?"
"Yes."
"Do you still love Nathan, and are you going to him?"
"That's two questions. And neither is truly none of your concern. But you and I, mostly me …well, I've hurt Nathan badly. So badly, I don't believe he will ever love me again, Lucas. Not after the way we've hurt him together, and especially the horrid manner in which I've personally hurt both him and his daughter."
"I won't lie. I knew you loved him from the beginning, Elizabeth. And I knew he loved you. I suppose that made the challenge more exciting, as I honestly thought I could change all that and make you love me instead. After all, there should have been no contest between the two of us."
"Really, Lucas? Do you even know how pathetic your words are? You knew, yet you purposefully intervened? One doesn't manufacture love, Lucas. God knows I've tried with you and failed miserably. Love simply is. And to desecrate love as you and I have done is unforgivable!"
"Well, I must say, I had a willing partner!"
As much as those words hurt her, he was right.
She was just as guilty as Lucas was in this charade.
Perhaps more so, because she had allowed all this.
A couple of months ago, Faith and Fiona had come to her in confidence, letting her know Lucas had said some rather colorful, unpleasant things about their personal life, none of which were true, but she had discounted the whole episode as harmless bragging that had probably been exaggerated and misinterpreted in the telling.
But now, she wasn't so sure.
Suddenly, she could hold it in no longer.
"Lucas, I know the lies you spread about me, about us. Think how that makes a woman feel!"
He was shocked that she knew.
She could read it in his face, although he was doing his best to hide it.
Though, sadly, he was more concerned with who had told her rather than having actually made the crude remarks, which meant he had told more people than just Faith and Fiona, just as she had suspected. But she was glad he now knew she knew.
Somehow that knowledge felt healing to her.
But he was planning his next move in this Chess game, and it was a bombshell.
"I find it most odd that, apparently, the teacher has never read my favorite book. In my defense, I was completely upfront in telling you very early on in our budding relationship, it was and is the classic, 'Dangerous Liaisons.'" (*8)
He laughed a chilling laugh, then continued on under his breath with yet another jab.
"I simply assumed you were intrigued! And, although you hardly fit the part of the lead female character with all her innocence, I allowed for the necessary changes."
She sat there with waves of revulsion coursing through her body.
How dare he! How had she been so naive? He had simply chosen her to live out a fantasy, to acquire her as a challenge. To win a game.
He had even told her so!
She had simply refused to listen.
And now he was telling her so all over again!
Never had she felt so used, so vile.
Yet she only had herself to blame. She had been so desperate to run away from Nathan, that she ran straight to Lucas's charms while blinding herself to all reality!
Suddenly, she rose from her chair with true Thatcher pride and straightened to her full height.
With those last words, she had fully taken her control back, and she vowed right then and there, she would never lose it again.
Lucas no longer had any hold over her whatsoever!
And the feeling was positively amazing!
"I'm truly sorry, Lucas, for my part in all this. I pray that you change someday and actually deserve that look of love you crave so badly."
"Hmph! I'm not really one to pray, but for what it's worth, I do hope you have that again with Nathan someday. What you had before I intervened, I mean. That wasn't at all gentlemanly of me. And, for that, I am truly sorry."
She nodded, knowing that was all the apology she was going to get.
"Perhaps someday, you should apologize to Nathan, Lucas? If you can truthfully do so, that is."
Then with her head held high, she walked straight toward the entrance.
"Thank you for finally listening to my words, Lucas!"
He nodded once and bowed slightly.
Then Lucas shut the door a bit more forcefully than he should have behind her, leaving her truly and miraculously free…
As Elizabeth walked to the Judge's Office, she shuddered to realize she had finally seen Lucas's true colors.
He simply didn't value the moral character that she had always previously admired, instead, he reveled and even took pride in his more mysterious side, which suited and possibly played into his love for professional gambling.
Why, he even had just admitted to gambling on their relationship, while knowingly and willingly destroying what she and Nathan had in the process!
In all truth, Lucas Bouchard simply wasn't at all the gentleman he purported to be.
Certainly not in matters of the heart, at least!
And after this morning, Elizabeth wasn't at all sure about the rest, either.
How she had allowed a courtship with this man, she would never understand, as the very thought now sickened her.
Shame poured over her, and for the first time, she saw Lucas as he truly was, now finally understanding why her friends had been so concerned over her incredulous alliance with him.
She quickly mouthed a silent prayer to calm her nerves, then knocked on the elegant paneled doors of the Regional Judge's Office, before entering...
"Bill, I'm so sorry to interrupt. Do you have a few minutes?"
"I'm pretty busy, Elizabeth. Expecting a phone call, too, from Judge Havers."
"I'm sorry to have bothered you. I'll come back later, then," and Elizabeth turned to leave.
"Elizabeth, wait! For you, I can take a few minutes."
"This won't take long, Bill, and when Judge Havers calls, I'll be more than happy to leave."
"I guess you can take a seat then, but don't you dare mention that man of yours to me!"
But when Bill got a closer glimpse of Elizabeth's face, he instantly knew something was wrong.
"Are you alright? You look shaken!"
"You know me too well, Bill. I just had a very revealing conversation that left me shaken, but completely and gratefully free!"
Instantly, Bill knew who the conversation had been with.
"Did he hurt you?"
"Only with words. He's no longer anything to me but a bad dream. I did slap him, though, if you want to arrest me!"
"Arrest you? I'll give you the key to the town!"
"You were right, Judge Avery. I have to say this once. And never again after today. I promise. I had no business being with Lucas Bouchard whatsoever, and thank God, that nightmare is now over and in the past," Elizabeth looked down to the floor, with shame all over her face. "It's taken much longer than it should have, but I've finally seen the real man, Bill, and it's truly mortifying that I was ever with him."
Bill simply nodded in agreement, fearful of the admonishing words that would come out of his mouth, if he opened it.
"This is so humiliating, Bill, especially for me to say out loud, but it's the truth. I ran to Lucas in order to run away from a possible life with Nathan. Let me clarify that, I ran away from the love of my life because, as a Mountie, I was terrified that I would lose Nathan just like Jack. And now, I know that's preposterous. I'm not sure what exactly happened to make me concoct this ridiculous scheme; I truly don't, except that I was terrified of losing Nathan. The irony is, I've lost him anyway at my own hand. But I refuse to make excuses for any of what I did! I have to finally grow up, take full responsibility for my ridiculous actions, and continue forward."
Elizabeth took a quick breath.
"I am, however, first asking for your forgiveness, because you, Bill Avery, mean the world to me. You have always been a father to both Jack and me. You're Little Jack's godfather as well, and that will always be. You know me better than my own father. Thank you, Bill, for trying to get me to see what a colossal mistake I was making. Because that's exactly what it was. I am so very sorry I shut you, of all people, out, and that will never, ever happen again as long as I live. I give you my word, Bill, such as it is. But more than that, I want you to know how very much I respect you and your judgment."
"Does that mean you're going to actually take my advice the next time I offer?
"At least, I promise I'll listen!"
Bill chuckled.
"Now, that's my Elizabeth! The one I know and love."
"Bill, I know now, you've always had my best interest at heart, and I appreciate that more than you can know. I want you to understand how very much I love and adore you!"
By this time, tears were streaming down Bill's cheeks, as he got up and wrapped his arms around his girl.
"And that's forever, Bill."
"I know, Elizabeth! Forever."
He wiped his eyes, then motioned for her to sit back down.
"Coffee?"
"I'd love some."
He got their coffee that was so strong it could have probably walked itself over to her, but it was then he noticed the pain in her eyes.
"Okay, out with it!"
"Out with what, Bill?"
"Don't play coy with me! What are you gonna do about my boy and my granddaughter?"
"You cut right to the heart of things, don't you?"
"You four are my heart. Fix this, Elizabeth."
"I want to so badly, Bill. But I haven't a clue how. I'm afraid it's too late. I wanted to go with them to choose a Christmas Tree earlier this morning, just like we did last year."
Bill recognized the lost look on her face, as she continued.
"That's where Little Jack is now. But Nathan said it wasn't appropriate for me to come too, as 'you know who' paid him a visit earlier this morning showing ownership, let's just say. Thankfully, that's all been straightened out, now."
"So, what's the problem?"
"Nathan also said, he wasn't sure he could manage me being there," she added sadly, but truthfully. "And as much as it hurts, I do understand it."
"Well, Elizabeth, what did you expect him to say? Had anyone else hurt my boy and granddaughter this bad, I'd be stringin' them up long before now."
"I know," she whispered softly. "I can barely live with myself as all these things I did are rushing back to me. I was truly awful, Bill, to both of them. How do I ever make it right? Is it even possible? Maybe I should just go talk to the both of them together and get it over with."
"Don't you dare!"
His vehemence took her aback.
'I'm afraid we're way past the talkin' stage, Darlin.'"
"Then what can I do? I'll do anything, Bill. Other than apologizing, I just don't know what the right thing to do is."
Bill leaned back in his chair and thought awhile.
"Right now, they need space, Elizabeth. Not words. Words are empty. Especially yours at the moment, and I say that to help you. I'm afraid it's just a fact, given everything that's gone down the past year. But it might not hurt if you smother them with kindness."
"How am I supposed to do that without saying a word?"
"I really don't mean to hurt you, Elizabeth, but think back over the different ways you've hurt them. Fix the things you can and do things for them that let them know someone loves them."
"What do you mean?"
"Elizabeth, were you happy with how Allie's Adoption Ceremony turned out?"
"Of course not, Bill! The entire town should have been there celebrating, and I should have been there supporting them, not acting all high and mighty, creating tension, and bringing them a present from Lucas, literally pouring salt in the wound."
"Then fix it."
She looked at him as though he had suddenly grown senile.
"Bill, the ceremony is already done!"
"Then un-do it! And re-do it."
Suddenly, she understood as the beginnings of an extremely tentative smile slowly formed on her worried face.
She finally understood what this dear man was saying, and he was right!
"Bill, we're going to throw the biggest adoption party this town has ever seen! Allie deserves it! And I know I have to make up for a lot of horrible things if both Nathan and Allie are ever going to see that I truly love them, exactly as they are."
"Elizabeth, you're smart. Just figure out a million ways to make them feel loved! Surround them with kindness."
"I love that! But I'll need your help, Bill. They can't know it's me. That would make it feel disingenuous. Like I don't care about anything but myself and my own agenda. I just want them to know they are loved, Bill."
"Now, you've got it! You know what they say, actions speak louder than words! To get my four favorite people back on track and together, Darlin', you better believe I'll do anything in this whole world to help!"
"I'm afraid I'm going to need a miracle for all this to work!"
"You just might get one. After all, we are in Hope Valley, and it is Christmas to boot! Now, smile a real smile!"
Though feeble, the corners of Elizabeth's lips did turn up slightly.
"I truly adore you, Bill Avery. You've given me something priceless! A tiny sliver of hope…"
Walking to the Mercantile, Elizabeth felt lighter with each step.
She knew the road ahead of her was not going to be easy. But she was ready to fight for love, just as Nathan had, although not in the same obvious way.
This had to be done subtly and behind the scenes.
Bill was right. The only way Nathan and Allie could ever love her again would be through trust. First, build trust, then love. Because right now, they didn't trust her, and rightfully so.
She had to change that.
As she climbed the steps to the Mercantile, she realized that overall, the morning apologies had gone a lot better than she had expected. She felt encouraged, and couldn't wait to get home to make a list of loving actions for Nathan and Allie...
"Elizabeth! So good to see you!"
"Ned, I'm so glad you're here! You too, Florence!"
"That's mighty nice, Elizabeth," complimented Florence. "I must say you're looking well…like the old Elizabeth we know and love."
Elizabeth hugged Florence.
"Florence, that means the world to me. I'm beginning to feel like my old self. And that feels more wonderful than words can say!"
"What can we do for you, Elizabeth?" asked Ned.
"It's what I can do for you today, Ned. Is Katie in town?"
"No, she went to visit her Aunt Sarah in Buxton for a few days to help her set up for the Holidays. No matter how hard we try to get her to share Hannukah with us, she always comes up with an excuse."
"I suppose it's easy for people to get set in their ways and become homebodies. I'll just catch Katie when she returns. I'm a bit embarrassed because I'm actually here today to apologize."
"But you have nothing to apologize for!" insisted Florence.
"Oh, but I do, Florence. I gave advice to your husband and daughter. And although it was sound advice that when we face the things we fear, we often receive our greatest joys, it was hypocritical of me."
"Not at all! That was great advice to share, Elizabeth. Helped both Katie and me!"
"But while I was dishing out that pearl of wisdom, Ned, expecting you two to take it, I wasn't even adhering to the advice myself. It was pompous of me, and, again, as I mentioned, highly hypocritical. And I'm so very sorry. I plan to correct that and conquer my fear. But I promise to be less presumptuous next time and do better at withholding any unsolicited advice. I need to listen, too, instead of always speaking, which is sometimes hard for the teacher in me!"
"Couldn't we all improve on that," teased Florence, causing Ned to give Elizabeth that raised eyebrow look, with both realizing it was Florence who usually was the one talking nonstop, resulting in unabashed laughter from all three.
After, Elizabeth couldn't help but giggle.
"It's so good to be able to laugh at myself again, and with two of my dear friends. It's just wonderful, and it makes me feel like this really is Christmas! Which reminds me, I need to order a few things…"
. . .
*7. I John 2:8, The Holy Bible, King James Version, Public Domain
*8. Dangerous Liaisons, First published as Les Liaisons Dangereuses, Translated as Dangerous Acquaintances, Pierre Choderlos de Laclos, 1782, Public Domain