The World That Never Will Be Chapter 17
by the infamous and notorious tocasia
3/9/2019
CHAPTER 17
Aqua had excused herself after Sephiroth's declaration. She wasn't exactly fuming.
It was a good thing to control one's darkness, right? She was good at it. A keyblade master!
At least she wasn't as much of a control freak as Sephiroth was!
Sure, she was a bit overprotective, but it was not the same! And she had the compassion to feel guilty!
He was dangerous! And did not appreciate being lectured on morality.
...she'd never appreciated that either.
Aqua stared across the chasm, from her accustomed vantage point on the ridge where their footprints were scuffed up together. Already she'd studied every crack in the stone; the windblown grasses were familiar, each stalk boring. Restless.
She wasn't quite used to the sensation of time passing. Sometimes it seemed to skip forward, and other times an instant stretched forever.
She felt... disconnected. Physically, she knew she was in good shape; could fight, could cast her spells, was superficially fit for duty. But her mind hadn't caught up yet. She was tired; sleep was insistent. At once hypervigilant and generally out of it. The darkness had injured her in ways she never expected. Sometimes her thoughts were slurred... and it was hard to make sense of things. Thank goodness she wasn't alone! Thank goodness Sephiroth wasn't an enemy! She'd been so close to broken! She feared her warped perception; its repetition. How would she know if the darkness was affecting her again? Would she even know if Xehanort slipped into her heart?
...she was definitely not okay.
Another flawless blue afternoon sky. Aqua wondered how high up she could see. Miles and miles and miles, probably. All the way to the top of the world?
The sun painted tiny dazzling rainbows in her eyelashes.
Master Eraqus had said...
One must keep a still heart even in the most trying of circumstances.
Her heart was anything but still!
Sephiroth...
Aqua tried to put him out of her mind. This was about rescuing Terra, wasn't it?
But why couldn't she have a happy ending of her own?
...what would it be like to kiss Sephiroth?
She hadn't kissed anyone on the lips before. But that's what it meant to be in love, right? The love that conquered the darkness and made everything okay. Idealistic and naive maybe. But she'd seen it work for so many! Every princess had a prince! She... wasn't a princess; she didn't need that. But it would be nice to kiss him. He'd look at her the way he did when she cast her most powerful spells, and there'd be that special moment when she'd find out if the light from his eyes was warm on her face, and he was perfect and so he'd have nice breath or maybe she wouldn't care and he'd lean down or maybe she'd have to stand on tiptoe. And just... a gentle kiss. And the wing. He could pull her close, closer, and it would be just them together, oh she would ignore the world, she'd feel those feathers brush her shoulders, and lower, the back of her legs... and they'd be so soft, wouldn't they? and maybe it would tickle, but he'd be patient if she laughed. He'd laugh with her. He had a nice laugh... and then he'd kiss her again, and maybe they'd lace their fingers together, or maybe the angle of the hug would change and he'd place his hands low around her waist, and maybe lean over to tip her off her feet, and she'd grab onto his chest straps and hang supported in his arms. She'd be really good at kissing him too so he'd have to lay her down to not drop her while distracted. They wouldn't stop. And there wouldn't be any sharp rocks on the ground.
Maybe after... after she'd kept her promises to her friends. Sephiroth was going to help her, so maybe, after that...
"Were you thinking of me?"
Oops. Caught daydreaming like a novice! How embarrassing! His voice was beautiful.
Ha! Aqua's blush gave her away. Sephiroth grinned, not-all-that wickedly.
It pleased him for her to be happy. And it was so easy for him to do, to make her happy! A word, a look, a touch; he didn't even need to be there! She smiled to herself. She thought about him all the time! And they were her own thoughts!
Sephiroth was proud of his decision to preserve her independence.
Choice was the rarest, most unattainable of things for him to gift! To give instead of take, and gain despite. For he knew what her choice would be. He surpassed all others!
...or maybe not.
She wanted him, but she didn't need him. She was strong on her own...
...he liked that. Didn't he?
...it would bother him if she found someone else to help her against Xehanort. Who could possibly compete with him in that arena?
...was there someone out there like him, who had a keyblade, whom she'd prefer the company of, someone with less darkness, someone who could share with her better than he could...?
He had nothing to prove! But he wanted to prove himself to her.
Sephiroth came and sat next to her. Aqua struggled to regain her composure.
"It worried you," he said, turning his head to glance behind them.
"What?"
"To learn Radiant Garden is nearby." The 'why' was silent, but an answer was expected.
"That was where..." Aqua hated how nervous she sounded, how nervous she was.
Sephiroth was listening intently, offering to console. She could do this.
"...where I fought Xehanort, where I last saw Terra... but by then he wasn't Terra anymore. I'd been searching for him for so long! But when I found him, he hurt me. Grabbed me by the throat... glared at me like... well, it was Xehanort seeing through his eyes. Such withering contempt! But... the confusion underneath..."
Sephiroth didn't interrupt. He was so patient...
"I told you about the fight, and how it led me into darkness. It's a hard memory to face. I've already relived it so many times. I don't want to relive it in Light, too..."
The tears just sort of happened. Aqua wiped them away with her sleeve.
"But it's kind of silly, isn't it? I don't know if there's anyone there I'll recognize anymore. It's been years! But I'd never choose to go there again. Of all the many worlds, for us to end up here, with that as the best option..."
"I understand," Sephiroth said. "It is difficult to face the past." And then, a hint awkwardly, his tone acknowledging she might decline, "Do you... want a hug?"
Yes, she did.
"What will you do?" Sephiroth asked, very close, enveloping her in the heat of his whisper.
...he did have nice breath. Nothing about him was unkempt.
"I..."
"Do you still want my help?"
She was in his arms, and he in hers, her hands splayed across his back, the grain of the leather so flexible and yielding, yet she was aware of how solidly sculpted he was beneath, how warm, how steadfast his heartbeat... how much darkness it contained.
"You can't be the only person who could help me against Xehanort. I should find someone else..."
"Perhaps you should," he acceded, "If the reality of working with me is so distasteful to you. Though I had hoped..." There was a small increase in pressure where his hands met her back; fingers curled a little, a briefly tightened grip. Sign of a fleeting thought of want, tempered and released. She liked it more than she'd admit; that feeling of being wanted.
Sephiroth said, "You are still valuable to me. To hunt down Xehanort, and for the powers of the keyblade, your magic, and the light. I should not let you go."
He pulled away from the embrace to look her in the eyes. She was transfixed, adrift in turquoise glow, his irises trapping flame, green-blue and brilliant, all-seeing, all-consuming. Light that did not burn. Sephiroth slid his graceful hands to rest gently on her shoulders. His skin so smooth, his fine and delicate touch unsubdued by gloves. "Do you want me to?"
Even the shortest distance between them was cold. Aqua breathed, "I don't know. That's the problem."
"It is your choice I am interested in. Whether that is benevolent or cruel, who knows? Reality is both."
What should she say?
Aqua confronted her thoughts, grateful she didn't need to talk them through.
...I believed Terra wouldn't fall to darkness; I believed it with my whole heart.
I saw your darkness from the beginning... I wanted it not to be true. I wanted to love you. I wanted you to be my hero. I don't want to let that go. ...I have to let that go. But I'll lose so much...
Without you, I would have lost everything.
She would not forget the glory of Sephiroth's light and his continuing assurance she was worthy of such intervention! Growing braver at the memory, she exposed sheltered, questioning hope, "You like me, don't you? You like being my hero...?"
"Yes."
Then... I don't want anyone else.
"It doesn't make sense to be apart when we're going in the same direction," Aqua decided. "We should remain allies. Let's walk side-by-side, together."
She closed her eyes to better be in the moment of his touch.
"Don't walk behind me;
I may not lead.
Don't walk in front of me;
I may not follow.
Just walk beside me
and be my friend." - Unknown