Episode tag to 3.7 "Simon Says," in which Sue requires Jack's help through the immediate aftermath of her encounter with Simon.
AN: Apologies for taking so long to update with this next story - this one took a lot more editing than most, mostly because it's a heavier one and I really wanted to make sure I got it all right. On that same note, this one, much like the episode itself, is far more intense than a lot of the others. It's a lot less shippy and a lot more hurt/comfort, even though it is still romance as well. But keep in mind that it does start with the way "Simon Says" ends (well, the second-to-last scene) when Sue is being attacked, and it goes from there, including immediate investigations and medical treatments after the attack, and mental health issues in the aftermath of facing such a trauma. Please consider your own mental health and emotional resources and read with care.
My thanks to RoyalDome2008 for beta-ing this chapter to help me refine the bits I was struggling with.
~0~
She should have known. She had seen the man they arrested, she knew his mouth and bearing didn't match the masked man who'd blindfolded her, but she thought she was just being jumpy.
She should have gone to dinner with them, left the plumber to fix things while they were out. It was wiser to have someone home with a repairman, and she really was tired, but it wasn't wiser to be home alone with a strange man in the house.
She had been trying to convince herself that she was safe now, that the maniac who had killed so many women wouldn't change how she lived her life. He wouldn't, couldn't, have that power over her.
Later, she would think about it and realize that if the monster had succeeded in his goals, it meant Lucy would have come home to find Sue's dead body. It meant Levi, already having been so abused in the past, would never trust another human. It meant that everything she had fought for to this point in her life would have been worthless.
None of that was on her mind now, though. Now, as she lay under him on the floor, fighting for her life in the most literal sense, screaming for help and desperate for someone to hear and come in, all she could think was that she had to survive for herself, and she had to survive for Jack. That Jack would never recover from this. He would find the man, no matter what he had to do. He would throw the book out the window and tear this man apart with his bare hands, and in doing so his life would be destroyed too.
And then the man above her stilled. He fell to one side. And his horrible visage was replaced by the image of Jack, standing there with his gun still pointed, the barrel slightly smoking. She was safe. She was safer with Jack pointing a gun at her than she had been with a plumber asking her to turn the knob on a pipe.
Jack holstered his weapon.
Sue pulled the scarf from her neck.
He bent to help her as she sat up. "Are you okay?"
She thought she nodded. She wasn't sure.
He helped her to her feet. Shrugging almost helplessly, he said, "I forgot my phone."
As though he were a victim of circumstance.
As though he hadn't saved her life.
As though she didn't know that in so doing, he had saved his own as well.
And then he pulled her into a hug.
And she felt all the shock of the last few minutes, all the terror of the last week, all the harm that this man had done and all that he had nearly accomplished, come pouring out as she sobbed against Jack's shoulder.
~0~
After a few moments of comforting her, Jack's FBI brain kicked in and he pulled back a bit, saying, "I need to call this in." He started to release her as he moved toward the phone, but she wouldn't let go. Nodding his understanding, he walked her with him, grabbing the cordless to start dialing 9-1-1 as he walked with it into her bedroom to grab his cell where he'd set it down with her bags.
Juggling two phones while holding Sue, he managed to get an ambulance, their CSI guys, a separate team of agents previously unrelated to the case, and Bobby and Lucy all heading their way.
Bobby and Lucy came in first, of course, having only had to walk—run, actually, by all indications—back up the stairs. Jack hadn't gotten an entire sentence out before Bobby said, "On our way," and flipped his phone shut again. He'd come in what felt like seconds later with Lucy hot on his heels, both breathing hard.
Lucy tried to take Sue from Jack's arms. Sue gratefully accepted her friend's hand to hold, but would not be separated from Jack.
Bobby heard barking and immediately released Levi from the bathroom, clipping his leash to him so they could keep him away from the crime scene.
D, Tara, and Myles all beat the paramedics to the scene.
Two ambulances arrived. Amazingly, Simon was not dead, so one team of paramedics came in to get him. Since Sue could walk, the bullpen crew walked her out of the building to the other ambulance, Jack and Lucy supporting her while the rest of the team flanked them.
The fresh team of agents went in to secure the scene until CSI could arrive. There was very little to secure, though, with Simon still barely clinging to life and thus being rushed out and to the hospital.
The second set of paramedics sat Sue on a gurney by the end of the ambulance. A paramedic explained that they were going to take her vitals. As the other paramedic reached for her, she turned away, burying her face in Jack's neck, effectively cutting off all communication with her.
"Miss? We really need to be able to examine you."
"Sue," Jack said, gently turning her face toward him. "They have to know you're alright." She seemed reluctant until he stuttered out, "I—I need to know you're okay. That he didn't—didn't harm—" His eyes started to flood with tears.
She held Jack's hand the whole time, but pulled away from him enough for them to get vitals, and do a preliminary examination. Jack revealed that Simon had been trying to strangle her when Jack had come back into the room. Sue didn't try to speak, but signed to Jack that Simon had thrown her over the couch, so he relayed this information as well.
When they insisted she should go be more thoroughly checked out at the hospital, she asked only one question. "Can Jack come?"
D was there by then—the whole team was. Nobody questioned this. At any other time it would have been better for Lucy to go, but right now, with her life having been so nearly gone, with how terrified they both were as the reality of the situation continued to sink its way into their minds, nobody was possibly going to try to separate them right now. So D nodded his approval for Jack to go.
It didn't really matter. He was going to go regardless. Neither of them were going to be far from one another at that moment.
"Wait," said the agent in charge of securing statements. "I haven't gotten their—"
"He came as a plumber, the rest of us left to get dinner, Sue wanted to stay home so we were going to bring takeout back to her, Jack realized he forgot his phone, went back, found the guy attacking, did what we've been trained to do. What else do you need, mate?" Bobby demanded.
"I didn't," Jack whispered.
"This has been an ongoing investigation for a while. We thought we had our man—turned out the real guy set that guy up, set us all up."
"I didn't," Jack said again, only barely louder than before.
"Look," Lucy said, leading the agent away, "I live here too, I've been here with her through all of it, and I'm the one who arranged the plumber. I'll give you everything I can, the whole team can help fill you in on what's been happening, it's all already available in reports from the week. You can get their statements when they get to the hospital. She's too much in shock right now to give a coherent statement anyway." She led him away. Everyone else followed, except D, who was now holding Levi's leash.
"Jack?" he asked cautiously. "You didn't—what?"
"I didn't do what I was trained to," he confessed, staring at the ground. "I didn't call out a warning. No 'FBI, I have a gun,' or anything. I saw Sue in trouble and I just—just reacted." He looked up to D then, jaw set firmly. "And I'm not sorry."
"I suggest you don't tell any of that to anyone else," D said. "I'm not suggesting you lie, and you know I'll go to bat for you if it comes to it, but right now you both are in shock and I don't want you trying to explain what happened with emotions running this high. Get her to the hospital, take care of her, and we'll debrief later. Okay?"
He nodded and rose from the gurney as the paramedics laid Sue back and strapped her onto the bed, lifting her into the ambulance and locking the bed into place. Jack wasted no time climbing in and gripping her hand again as soon as he could.
Levi pulled at the leash, whining, wanting to follow Sue.
"You stay here, buddy," Jack said. When Sue saw what he said, she realized he was talking to Levi and called out her own assurances.
"You can't ride safely in here, Levi. Stay with D and Lucy. I'll see you later, or maybe someone can bring you to the hospital for me."
D nodded, which Jack relayed to Sue, and the driver closed the doors before moving around to the front.
The paramedic in the back of the ambulance allowed Sue to ride with the bed in a nearly upright position, as Jack held her hand from the seat he was buckled into. The EMT took her O2 levels and, although the reading was good, decided to put her on oxygen for the time being, since attempted strangulation had been involved. Although Simon hadn't gotten his hands on Sue's neck for very long, they wanted to be sure she had the oxygen she needed in the meantime.
~0~
At the hospital, a nurse brought Sue a johnny and then suggested that Jack step outside the room while Sue changed. When Sue protested, Jack said to Sue, "I'll pull the curtain and you can change behind it."
The nurse shook her head and walked out of the room throwing her hands in the air dismissively as she muttered, "Don't make me no nevermind," then closed the door behind her.
As Jack stepped back from Sue, reaching to close the curtains, she watched him with a trembling lip. Just as the curtain fully closed, though, she cried out, "NO!"
He quickly opened the curtain again. "What is it?"
She bit her lip irresolutely for a moment, then said softly, "Help me? Please?"
"Are you sure?"
She nodded.
So, being as respectful of her person as he could, he unbuttoned her blouse, slid it off her shoulders, and folded it neatly on a chair. He carefully helped her pull her bra straps down over her arms, then slid the johnny up over her arms. Once her front was covered, he unhooked her bra and let it fall from her, holding one end to rescue it as he slid it out from between her and the gown. This, too, was reverently placed on her carefully-folded blouse.
Then he reached around her waist, under the gown, reaching carefully to grasp the closure of her pants and unbutton them, lowering the zipper as cautiously as he could, trying hard to touch as little of the woman beneath the pants as he could. He slowly lowered them, pausing as she turned to brace herself against his shoulders, then guiding her feet as she stepped first out of her black dressy clogs, and then out of her pants. He lifted the pants, folding them carefully, and placed them with her other clothing, tucking her shoes in under the chair.
She turned again, and he reached to tie the strings, but when he started with the top she reached up to still his hands, looking over her shoulder at him, fear in her eyes. He understood immediately. Nothing close to the neck.
He left the top untied and moved to the next set of strings down, then the next, until the gown was held securely around her.
He opened the curtain for when the nurse returned, then helped her onto the bed, seating himself next to her, holding her against him. The loose top of the johnny allowed an easy view of the reddening marks Simon had left on her. He bent to kiss one, wishing he could kiss her every injury better, inside and out. There was nothing sexual or charged about it—about any of this. For all the attraction between them, right now was only a time for taking care of her, and in so doing, taking care of himself by knowing she was okay.
When the nurse knocked on the door, he called out, "She's ready." Nurse Cora re-entered and began getting the secondary set of vitals, comparing them to what the paramedics had gotten. "Well, your blood pressure's settling some, that's good. Guess this guy's good for you."
Sue smiled up at him shakily. "Yeah. He always has been. I don't doubt he always will be."
Although she'd spoken a few times, the combination of hearing so many words right after seeing the bruising made him notice for the first time that her voice wasn't at all raspy—that although Simon had managed to bruise her, he hadn't managed to crush her windpipe.
The nurse finished checking her over, mostly for the same things the paramedics had checked for. Then she left, promising the doctor would be in soon.
"I'm so glad your voice doesn't sound harmed at all," he said, smiling adoringly at her.
"He . . . he never got a good grip on my neck," she replied. "He tried . . . if you hadn't gotten him, he would have, but I . . . I kept fighting his hands away."
"But—the scarf was—?"
Sue frowned as she remembered. "He wasn't . . . he only put the scarf there, he wasn't trying to pull it tight. He was trying to put his hands around my neck. It, um . . . it makes sense. The others . . . the scarf wasn't dug into any of their necks, he strangled them all with his hands and then tied the scarf nicely. I tried to push the scarf away but he got that around me but didn't get his hands on my neck long enough to . . . to squeeze." She sounded almost clinical, detached as she explained his methods, and he could only assume she was trying her best not to relive it.
He thought about what she'd said and how that aligned with her injuries. Most of the bruising he'd seen was around her collarbone. Simon must've been putting pressure there while trying to wrap the scarf around her. Maybe she'd shoved his hands away and he had landed against her chest to catch himself from falling. But he hadn't gotten a grip on her neck.
He kissed her temple. "That's my girl," he whispered. She wasn't looking at him at the time, having leaned her head back down while she remembered, so for a moment he assumed her responding smile was only due to the kiss . . . until he realized there was a mirror over the sink across the room. He gave her a rueful smile in it, not at all sorry for her to catch him calling her his girl. If he hadn't forgotten his phone . . . if he had decided not to go back to it . . . if he hadn't realized it until later . . . he might have been calling her his girl to her casket.
He shuddered at the thought.
She seemed to be reading his every thought. "Don't think about it," she whispered. "You got there. I'm here. And you're here." She gripped the front of his shirt as she leaned against him. "Just don't leave me. Please."
He tugged her back onto the hospital bed, settling back with her, resting her against him. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart." He knew she couldn't hear him, but she seemed to draw comfort from the vibrations, or maybe from the feel of his breathing and heartbeat.
By the time the doctor came in, they had to rouse her from a light sleep.
~0~
The doctor kept her for several hours, mostly for observation. Some imaging had been done to verify no internal damage of any sort, but it seemed that though she had literally had to fight for her life, she had managed to walk away with only bruises, and whatever psychological scarring had been done. During that time, Lucy and the others—and Levi, of course—came to join her at the hospital once they were done offering what they could to the CSI team and agents taking over the case. The new case lead came down to the hospital as well, to officially get Sue and Jack's statements.
By the time Sue was released, it was well into the wee hours of the morning. Everyone else had gotten food from the hospital cafeteria or the vending machines scattered around the facility, but Jack had refused to leave Sue's side. Sue wasn't allowed to eat until they were certain she wasn't going to require medical procedures and he refused to eat when she couldn't. By the time she was allowed to, the kitchens were closed, and everyone else had headed home. She ate a few crackers they gave her to go with some pain meds, but otherwise there was no food for her. Jack asked several times if she wanted him to go get her some food, but all she wanted was for him to stay with her.
Lucy was staying at Tara's, since their own apartment was a crime scene at the moment. She had been able to at least go back and pack a small bag for herself, grabbing a couple of the still-packed ones from Sue's room to bring back to her. Tara said that if Sue got released from the hospital, she could come to Tara's, any time of night.
Nobody really expected her to do so. She didn't.
Jack started to ask once, but the look Sue gave him made it instantly clear she wanted to be nowhere but with him. So he settled Levi in the back seat of his car, and Sue in the front, before climbing into the driver's seat and taking them home with him. He offered to stop for food on the way, but she still said she didn't need anything.
When they got to his house, though, he insisted she eat something before heading to bed. While he ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, she managed to get an apple down, which was sufficient to satisfy him for the time being.
They both brushed their teeth. When they left the hospital she was wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt from one of the bags Lucy had brought, the clothes she came in having been collected for the CSI techs to possibly glean more evidence from. Sue said when they were done with them they could keep the clothes with the case file, donate them somewhere, trash them, or burn them, but she did not want them back in her possession, ever.
Jack quickly changed into a t-shirt and his own pajama pants while Sue used the bathroom. He used the bathroom after her while she settled into bed. Neither of them suggested that one of them take the couch, and neither of them seemed to expect the other to either. He simply settled into bed next to her, wrapping her protectively in his embrace, as they both drifted to sleep.
~0~
The next day wasn't easy, but it was easier than either of them expected. Nobody questioned where Sue had gone after she'd left the hospital, nor why Sue and Jack arrived at work together. Officially, they had both been given the day off anyway, but they were requested to go in when able for a more formal debriefing.
Now that the initial shock had worn off, Sue wasn't as terrified of being separated from Jack. She still preferred to be with him, but she didn't need his presence to keep her from panicking. Still, having to be separated for the debriefings was a bit harder, only because reliving all of it was so difficult.
Everyone agreed that Sue and Jack's accounts matched. Knowing their characters, nobody had really doubted they would anyway. When they were released, they went to see their friends in the bullpen before leaving.
"Hey," Lucy said, giving Sue a hug, "I'm so glad to see you looking more like yourself again!"
"Yeah," Sue said, smiling. "If I couldn't regain that, he would still have won, and there's no way I was going to let him win."
Everyone nodded their understanding.
"So, um, I hate to say it—they're finishing up investigating at the apartment today, but it looks like we'll have to have another couple days of staying somewhere else while, um . . . ."
"While the blood is cleaned up," Sue said flatly.
Lucy winced and nodded. "A few things will have to be repaired or replaced. I didn't figure you'd want to go back with a stain still on the—"
"It's fine," Sue said quickly. "My present arrangements are good. Just, um . . . let me know when it's all done? I don't . . . I hate to leave it all on you but I don't want to—"
"No, no," Lucy said quickly. "I'll take care of it all, don't worry about that part! And even though the garage has been so busy, Charlie and Troy are rearranging their schedules to help us out—only friends in there, no strangers."
Sue nodded. It didn't matter, she wouldn't be there and neither would Lucy until it was all done, but it was still good to know.
Lucy looked behind Sue, and Sue turned just in time to catch that Bobby had been saying something, but not in time to catch what. She turned back to Lucy. "What is it?"
"Are you sure you want to know?"
Sue hesitated, realizing what the topic must be. "If he's dead, I want to know. If he's not, I want to know that he's going to jail."
"He died," Lucy said gently. "Early this morning. But, um . . . before he did, he gave the new lead agent a full confession, even more than just the ones we knew about. So . . . ."
"So more families can have closure," Sue said. "And there won't be a trial since he confessed, and there won't be a sentencing because he's dead. So the only really bad part here is . . . the victims' families won't have a chance to make statements to him if they want."
"Would . . . would you want to?" Lucy asked gently.
Sue thought for a moment. "Jack made a statement to him for me," she finally said. "I have nothing to add to that."
~0~
After visiting a few minutes longer, Sue and Jack left the Hoover building to bring Sue to a counseling appointment. The doctor at the ER had recommended this therapist as one who specialized in immediate response to trauma, and tended to leave openings each day specifically because new clients needed to get in right away. As a result, they were able to call as soon as they were awake that morning, and get an appointment for that afternoon.
Sue didn't ask Jack to go into her appointment with her. He didn't offer, either. He did stay in the waiting room the whole time, just in case she needed him.
When she came out, she looked like she had emotionally been through the wringer, but she didn't look unhappy about it, just drained. She took his hand and they walked to the car to head home.
~0~
That night went much the same as the first, with one important difference: in the middle of the night, Sue woke up screaming.
Jack started awake, reaching for his gun before he was awake enough to remember that even if he still had his gun (he didn't, it had been taken for the investigation of course) he didn't keep it on his PJ pants. By then, though, he had also realized that there was no immediate danger, and was pulling Sue into his arms. He turned the bedside lamp on so she could read his lips as he whispered, "You're alright. I'm here. I've got you. He can't hurt you ever again."
"Not me," she whimpered. "He was going to hurt you."
He smoothed her hair back and waited for her to say more.
"You shot him, but he didn't die. He stood up . . . he was going to kill you first and make me watch."
He peppered the side of her face with kisses as he assured her over and over again, "He didn't, Sue. He didn't get me and he didn't get you. We're still here. I've got you. You've still got me. We're okay." He had no idea how much of that she was getting with his face so close to hers as he continued to kiss her cheek, her temple, her forehead, but he had to keep saying it, if only for his own reassurance.
Eventually, they settled back into bed together and fell asleep with the lamp still on, neither willing to relinquish their hold on each other even long enough to click it off.
~0~
When the apartment was ready a few days later, Sue told Lucy she might need a little more time.
When it had been a full week and Sue still wasn't showing any signs of wanting to either move back in, even after returning to work, Lucy was starting to get concerned. She had offered to go to Sue's follow-up doctor's appointments with her, to take her to counseling appointments, to do anything she could to be there. Sue kept saying she was all set, Jack was taking care of her.
Finally, 10 days after the incident, Lucy got Sue to go to lunch with just her, and was able to really talk to her about it all. "Look, I'm really glad you and Jack seem to have finally reached some understanding about a relationship, but . . . I hope you won't just make everything about him all of a sudden. I mean, you still have a lot of friends who love you and want to be there for you. Don't shut us out, okay?"
Sue frowned. "I'm not shutting anyone out."
"Well . . . maybe not on purpose," Lucy admitted, "but it kind of feels like it. I mean, you know I've been rooting for you and Jack to get together more than anyone, but . . . I'm just concerned about what it might mean if you're suddenly wrapped up only in each other right after trauma, you know? I don't want you to get hurt, and I don't know if that's the best foundation for a relationship."
"Lucy, we're not—we're not together. Not really."
"Sue . . . you're living with him. You're doing everything with him."
"I'm just staying at his apartment for a bit, we're not . . . I mean, we haven't even kissed, not really anyway. We're not . . . he's just . . . ."
"I just don't want you hurt, Sue. You or Jack. You're both great people, and I think you can be really great together, but for the right reasons, not out of fear. Not out of reaction to a traumatic event, and not . . . not because you're just afraid to be without him. Remember you said you had to reclaim yourself or Simon would still have won? You and Jack have to have a relationship for the right reasons too, or Simon will still win."
Sue felt the tears running down her face but was powerless to stop them. "I'm not—I'm not afraid of being without Jack, Luce. I'm afraid of being in our apartment. I'm afraid of sitting at home alone, or seeing the spot where Simon attacked me. I'm afraid of the reminder of freshly refinished flooring as much as I would be of the blood stains. I'm afraid of seeing scratches on the bathroom door where Levi was trying to get out of the room, or of how I'll react if there's a plumbing issue. I can't . . . I don't want to be there, that's all. I miss you, I just . . . don't want to be there."
Lucy gave her best friend a huge hug, before pulling back and saying gently, "Have you discussed these things with your therapist?"
Sue shrugged. "Some. Not all of it."
"You probably should talk about all of it."
~0~
Over dinner the next evening, Sue sat pushing food around her plate for several minutes as she stared at nothing, before suddenly blurting out, "You know I don't need you, right?"
Jack looked up from where he was sitting, kitty-corner to rather than across from her, and blinked, startled both at her sudden outburst and at the words themselves. "I—I didn't—I wasn't, uh—"
Sue winced as she realized what she'd said. "That didn't come out how I meant it. What I mean is . . . ." She took a deep breath. "Lucy . . . gently suggested yesterday that I might be too dependent on you. My counselor said something similar at my appointment today, when I was talking about my . . . my fear of moving back to the apartment. They both think that I'm becoming codependent with you, but . . . I'm here because I want to be with you, not because I can't function without you, you know that right? I mean, I'm . . . ." She paused to swallow hard and take a deep breath before continuing. "I'm afraid of going back to my apartment, but not because it's away from you. Just because of . . . everything that happened there. I feel safer around you, I've always felt safer around you, but . . . psychologically speaking, I don't need you. I want you."
He relaxed as he understood what she was saying, and reached over to take her hand. "Sue, I would never presume to think that I was essential to your being, but—we just came way too close to . . . I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost you. I know you're strong and capable, one of the strongest and most capable people I've ever known. Stronger than I am, for certain. And I know you can survive without me just fine, but . . . I don't want you to either. Unless you wanted to, of course. I just . . . ."
He drew a deep breath before continuing. "I love you, Sue. So much. And I almost lost the chance to ever tell you." With a wry smile he added, "And then it's been almost two weeks and I still didn't tell you, because I didn't want it to sound like a knee-jerk reaction or something. I hope you know how much I mean it, how long it's been true."
She smiled, heart melting a bit as she said, "If it's even close to as long as it's been true for me, then I know it's a lot longer than could possibly be a knee-jerk reaction. I love you too, Jack."
He brushed her hair back, placed a kiss to her forehead, and they resumed eating, sharing little smiles but few words and fewer remaining worries.
~0~
It was two days later, when she moved back into her own apartment, that they finally kissed for real. It wasn't discussed or planned. It was as though they both knew that while she was staying with him, there was no way they could avoid temptation to go further once they had kissed. He knew how important it was to her that she not have sex until her wedding night, and he had no interest in compromising that for her, not by seducing or coercing her into it at least. If she knowingly and willingly changed her mind that was one thing, but not in a fit of passion or lust. He wouldn't have her regret her own actions or his, and he would never take advantage of her. He would never take advantage of any woman, but with Sue—of all women, never would he do that to Sue.
Even so, they hadn't expected that the very day she moved back into her apartment, as Jack provided dinner for Sue and Lucy (pizza, not takeout from any of the places they had discussed on that day) Sue and Jack would find themselves with a few moments alone in which, without either saying a word, they would draw together in a sweet first kiss.
Or that Lucy would then return and say, "Well, I guess I know how your past couple weeks have been spent."
"Believe it or not," Jack had told her, "not like that." Then he'd squeezed Sue's hand as he smiled and added, "Though it's how I intend to spend every future day for as long as she'll let me."
Sue had missed Lucy's comment, of course, but she caught Jack's response, and at his latter sentence, she could only smile her joyful agreement.
~0~
When Jack left that evening, Lucy demanded to know what had happened, and Sue told her the truth: they loved each other, but waited to do anything until they weren't living in the same space anymore. Because they loved each other too much to risk compromising that love in favor of moving too quickly to anything physical.
Lucy had laughed at the idea that these two, who had danced around one another for two and a half years at this point before it apparently finally took a near-death at the hands of a serial killer to knock some sense into them, could possibly move too quickly at anything in their relationship. But Sue had only smiled and said that that was between her and Jack and they knew what was best for them.
~0~
It wasn't all perfect, moving back into the apartment. Sometimes she would stare at the floor in the living room, swearing she could see a blood stain even though she knew Charlie and Troy had fully sanded down and re-varnished the entire floor. Sometimes she would look at the rug under the coffee table, the new one Lucy had gotten to replace the spattered one rather than try to clean the stain out, and her mind would instantly supply the image of the old rug there. If they had cleaned the old one, she would have thought the stain was there every time she looked. Because they got a new one, she thought about why it had to be replaced every time she looked.
The first time she turned on the shower and it worked perfectly, she started sobbing. Lucy had comforted her, and then understood when she wanted to call Jack for a while too.
She hadn't taken a shower that day.
But it was important, very important. Because when she told Jack that she didn't need him in order to function, that she wasn't codependent with him, she wasn't sure she had entirely believed it herself. She needed to prove to herself what she really was capable of.
She would never again stay home with a repairman without someone she knew and trusted in the house, but she needed to be able to at least stay home by herself—with wise safety measures in place, but not paranoid-level ones.
She would never again choose to wear a decorative scarf, but she needed to be able to bundle up for warmth without feeling like she was being strangled.
And she would never again feel comfortable with strange men just because they had an easygoing way about them, but she needed to know that she could live as an independent woman again.
She needed to know all this and more before she could move forward to be anything else. And thankfully, by the time Jack, on a rug that had been replaced over a floor that had been refinished 6 months earlier, dropped to one knee and presented her with a ring and a request of a lifetime of meaning everything to each other, she knew that she was capable of saying no and still being okay.
But she also knew she didn't want to.
So she said yes.