JENNIE
The utilities office said I'd have heat and lights by noon.
Afterward, I stopped at the coffee shop down the block. Cupping a well-deserved mocha, I left the grid of downtown streets to walk around the lake that bordered our college town. The water was frozen over, as icy as the eyes I'd stared into last night. My boots sank into the powdery snow. Bird tracks led from the trail to the lake.
My purse buzzed. Texts from Rosé were blowing up my phone — now, after I'd been on edge yesterday trying to reach her. But I didn't feel like talking.
I'd confessed my biggest fears to Lisa: being alone. Cold. In the dark. I was alone right now, but the sun sparkled off the new snowfall, diamond-bright and blinding in its glitter. Though temperatures were low, I sweated in my black parka.
By the time I made it around the lake and back into town, my coat hung open, unzipped.
What would my family do if they found out I'd had sex for money? They'd die. From shock, from shame, from disappointment that a Kim girl had gone so totally off the rails.
I caught my reflection in a store window, on top of the kitchen fixtures and counter displays. Even bundled up in winter clothes, I was a hot mess. Smudged makeup, tangled hair…and a smile.
I finished my mocha and tossed the cup in a trash can. This was my secret. If I was careful, I had enough money — after paying my bills and Lucas — to cover my expenses until I started a campus job and got a paycheck. I never needed to let Lisa pay me for sex again.
She could find some other girl to take her crazy offer.
As I started the mile and a half walk to my apartment, my stomach lurched, thinking of Lisa with another girl. But every time I passed a window, that same little grin was on my face. Secret, sly, sneaking out whether I liked it or not.
Heat greeted me when I opened my front door. Oh God, I'd never been so grateful. The lights were on, as they had been when the electricity was killed. Either that, or my roommate was home.
"Sana?" I called.
Silence. Another thing to be grateful for.
In the bathroom, a hot shower washed everything away. The sex, the sweat, the swipes of money, the smell of beer and the subtler scent of Lisa's cologne. Steam filled the bathroom.
Last night had been a one-time fling. I shouldn't even talk to Lisa again. Too dangerous.
I grabbed the body wash to clean her phone number off my palm, but the inky numbers mocked me. Tossing the gel aside, I kept my hand out of the water and turned off the shower.
The clock said ten-thirty.
At my desk, wrapped in a towel, I texted Sana. Heat is back, yay! You can just pay next month's bill, cool?
K, was her only response.
It's safe to say that given the choice, Sana and I would never have lived together. This year, I'd planned to room with Rosé, Ashley, and Maria. A month before fall semester started, my parents decided to lay down the law.
You're not living with Rosé. That girl is trouble.
You barely know her.
We saw enough when we visited. And what about spring break? You think we don't know what went on? You post online, we see it. We were so ashamed.
I'm an adult. My temper stretched, about to snap.
You'll be an adult when you pay tuition and rent.
That was the end of the argument. I couldn't pay my own tuition. I'd have to work my ass off to pay rent. Money was power, and my parents held the cards.
So I entered the lottery for an off-campus apartment — the only kind left — and crossed my fingers for a fun roommate. Instead, I got Sana.
A black head poked through my open door. Petal, Amelia's cat, wandered in. Like her owner, Petal was uninterested in making nice, but was occasionally curious. A few days ago, I'd caught Sana in the kitchen, rifling through my side of the cupboards.
"If you need food, take it," I said. "Just ask first."
She'd shut the cupboard quickly. "No, I'm just astounded by the sheer volume of your stuff. Eleven kinds of cereal? I couldn't take my eyes off it."
She had a point, I thought as I petted Petal, who tolerated the attention. I bought too much. Things I justified stocking up on, like cereal and conditioner. Or things for other people, like I'd told Lisa. A round of shots here, pizza for a friend's birthday there. Because everyone loved the girl who bought pizza.
I unzipped my purse and touched the bills.
"I'm going to stop spending," I announced to Petal. "I'll get a decent job and pay all my own rent next year. Last night didn't happen."
Petal gave me a baleful look and began to lick her paw.
"I should get rid of her number, right? And burn her napkin. She was scary, I'm not kidding. If I say yes… God, I can't believe I'm even considering saying yes. That would make me a…" I trailed off. "You don't think I should see her again, do you?"
Petal turned, tail held high, and stalked out of my bedroom.
I had resolutions to stop spending, but when Rosé, Ashley, and Maria called me to go out for dinner that night, I caved.
At the restaurant, Rosé talked nonstop about Junhoe Koo, a hot basketball transfer who'd come here fall semester. When she paused for breath, Ashley cocked her head at me, pushing back her light brown bangs.
"Where were you last night? You sent some weird text about doing your own thing. Since when does that happen on a Friday night?"
I stirred my water with a straw. "I needed a little me time. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself." I glanced at Rosé, who shrugged.
"Oh please, it all worked out." She adjusted her off-the-shoulder black sweater. "You found a warm bed. The guy was boring, so you got some sleep. It's all good."
"Jennie found someone?" Maria smacked Rosé's shoulder, her dark curls bouncing. "Sé, you've been holding out on us! But what about Kai?"
"What about him?" I sneaked a taste of the chocolate sauce on Maria's cheesecake. I'd skipped dessert, uncomfortably aware of how money could run through my fingers like water. "We're through."
"Try telling him that." Ashley slurped her margarita, narrowing her green eyes. "He's crazy about you. He's not going to let you go so easy."
Rosé turned abruptly and snapped her fingers at the waiter, who'd been slow all evening. "'Guys, it's nine o'clock. How late do we want to make an entrance to Marni Weiss's party?"
When a big guy brushed by as we left the restaurant, I tensed. I walked stiffly to Marni's house with the girls, sore between my legs. I toyed with my watch as the time ticked away.
Every minute of the party — the sweat, the bodies, the darkness, a boy whispering into an ear — reminded me of Lisa. Her fingers busy, her mouth hungry, her cock greedy. Ruthless. Taking.
Bills all over my body, the bed, the floor.
Shortly before eleven, I found my coat and hugged my friends goodbye.
"Wait," Ashley protested. "You can't leave. It's Marni's birthday."
"So? Marni's so thrashed, she won't even notice I'm gone."
"But pizza. You're the pizza girl."
Jesus. I had a rep, and it was for buying everyone pizza. I glanced at my watch. "Not tonight."
"Come on," Ashley urged. "I'll go in on it with you. This party needs pizza. There's not enough food."
"Food!" Rosé was next to me, draping her arm around my shoulders. "Are you getting everyone pizza, girl?"
"Sorry." I went hot. God, I hated letting people down, hating saying no. "I have to go, babe. It's been a crazy week. Gotta catch up on homework."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Everyone in a ten-foot radius turned at Rosé's shriek. "Homework? On a Saturday night? It's that Kappa Sig guy, isn't it. She's making you boring too."
I tugged on my coat. "She must be."
Thumping bass followed me downstairs. Outside, the air was cold enough to take my breath away. Pulling on my fuzzy hat, I hurried to Lucas's apartment on the other side of campus. I had an hour to pay him back before he cut off my supply.
Incense drifted down the stairway inside. At my knock, Lucas opened his door shirtless. His brown corduroy pants hung low on his hipbones. His ribs were countable, his waist narrow, his hair uncombed. He had earbuds in.
I looked away. "I have it."
"Come on in."
"That's really okay."
"I'd prefer that you come in." His smile was friendly, but his tone meant business.
"Fine." I stepped over the threshold and he shut the door behind me. His living room was strewn with blankets. The low coffee table had the legs sawed off. In the corner stood an old piano with a few keys missing.
"Have a seat?" He gestured toward an orange floor pillow.
"No thanks."
"Tea?"
"No. Here." I held out a wad of bills. "A hundred fifty dollars, all yours."
"Nice going." He gave me a genuine smile. "I'm glad you came through. It would've made me sad to cut you off."
"Really?"
"Sure." He counted the money. "You got a loan?"
That's what I'd told my friends, but I didn't feel like bothering with Lucas. "I earned it."
"How?"
"None of your business."
"Cheeky." Tucking the money into his wallet — thick with bills now — he tugged my scarf.
"Don't touch me." I flushed.
Lucas hadn't actually touched me, but after being with Lisa, I was more sensitive. Colors looked brighter, sounds were louder, and Lucas's pull on my scarf made it drag across my throat.
"Sorry." He held up his hands. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I fixed my scarf. Lucas peered at me more closely.
"Don't take more than the recommended dose. I don't want to be responsible for anything happening to you."
"You're not."
"Good. Don't make me feel like I am."
"Lucky?" a girl's voice called from one of the closed doors. "What're you doing?"
"Be there in a sec," he called back.
I glanced around the cluttered apartment. "You should clean this place up."
"Are you volunteering?"
"No."
He laughed. "I'd pay you. Seems like you're going through a rough patch."
"Not rough enough to mop your floors." Scrubbing my dealer's apartment would be at least as humiliating as sleeping with Lisa, and much less hot. A giggle escaped my lips.
Lucas looked at me strangely. "Are you sure you're okay? I have some really good tea. Very calming."
"I bet. But I'm fine, Lucky. I should get going. Your wallet's a lot fatter now," I added, as he walked me to the front door.
He gave a sheepish shrug. "It wasn't really empty yesterday. I took the money out before I talked to you. Just to make a point,"
"Fuck you." I looped my scarf around my neck.
"Whoo. You really are cheeky today, Lady Jennie. So tell me something. Why are you in that Victorian Literature class?"
"I have my reasons," I muttered.
Back in my warm apartment, I slipped off my coat, which reeked of incense, and settled in at my desk. I really did need to study. I was way behind because of the utilities freakout, and my grades had plummeted last semester.
It was eleven-thirty.
If I don't hear from you by one am, the deal's off.
Opening my middle desk drawer, I popped an Adderall and chased it with gummy bears. I put in earbuds and cranked up the music.
But I couldn't concentrate on my homework. Whispers ran through my mind, chilling my skin.
Eleven fifty-five…
I was not going to say yes. I was not going to call Lisa just to hear her voice. I wasn't even going to think about it.
I took off my watch, dropped it in my desk drawer, and slammed it shut.
Minutes later, my phone buzzed, making me jump.
A three-word text stared up at me: I said yes!
I clicked, and a blinding boulder filled the screen.
Light flashed off a thousand facets. I blinked to clear my vision. I was either looking at the biggest diamond in the world, or the shiniest close-up of one.
It took a minute to sink in, and by then my phone was already ringing. I pulled myself together enough to give the right response when I picked up: a long squeal.
"Jisoo! I'm so happy for you!" I gushed. "Oh my God, Haein proposed? When?"
"Just now," my sister sighed. "I'm so happy too, Jennie. There aren't even words. I wanted you to be the first to know."
My big sister was a better person than me. When I talked to her, I wanted to be a better person too.
"That means everything to me. Tell me all about it."
"He reserved a barge," Jisoo began. She always sounded like she was telling you the best kind of secret, and there was no else in the world she wanted to be talking to more. "I should have known he was planning something when we went up the walkway. There were candles absolutely everywhere. They were so beautiful, and he asked if I liked them. But I didn't have any idea…"
I listened as she gave the blow-by-blow. It was clear that Jung Haein, her adoring med-student boyfriend, had put together a lavish proposal and she was going to be completely humble about it. She was embarrassed about the size of the ring, and Haein had spent way too much. But he gave her the diamond with so much pride, it melted her heart.
I sighed at the right times, caught up in the magic of my sister's story. I didn't say that when she graduated law school next year, she'd be out-earning Haein's ass during his residency, so this was his chance to prove his manhood. My parents were puffed up with pride about law school, of course. First lawyer in our family. Did you know she got a full scholarship? No one had any doubt that Jisoo would be the nicest lawyer in existence, and also the most successful one.
"I'm so happy for you," I repeated. "You guys are the sweetest couple."
"You'll be my maid of honor, right? And plan my bachelorette party? You always plan the best parties."
"I'm on it." I opened my laptop and googled wildest bachelorette party. Jisoo wouldn't want that, but I could entertain myself.
"Thank you so much. And put June 24th on your calendar, girl."
"Jisoo?" My fingers paused on the keys. "That's…fast."
"It's more than five months away. Plenty of time to plan a beautiful wedding. You know us, Jennie." Her voice lowered, laughing. "We just can't wait."
"Because you're saving yourselves for marriage?"
"Oh, you. You're too much."
It wasn't a joke. Jisoo had held out all these years, waiting for her husband and disappointing legions of boys. As far as I knew, she was still a virgin.
"By the way," Jisoo went on, "Haein has this cousin. The sweetest one, and I think you'd really like h—"
"It's okay, Jisoo," I gritted though a smile. "You don't need to set me up with your fiancé's cousin."
Her voice turned consoling. "I know, honey. It hasn't been that long since you broke it off with Kai. He adored you."
"I'm over Kai." I balled my hand in a fist so I wouldn't see Lisa's number. "It wasn't meant to be."
"Then think about it, okay? Haein would love to introduce you. You deserve someone who treats you like a queen, Jennie. Don't settle for anything less."
"Don't worry," I told her. "I won't."
We said "love you" and "bye" and I stared at the phone after hanging up.
Jisoo would call my parents next. Then they'd call me to rehash everything, with endless questions about why I'd broken up with Kai, who was so successful. Why I didn't have every aspect of my life together. Why I was such a disappointment to them. Why I wasn't more like my sister.
I yanked open the middle drawer of my desk. Behind the bags of candy, Adderall, a tube of lube, and Lisa's napkin was a heart-shaped box I'd collaged in high school. When I was sad or angry, had a dark fantasy or a thought no one could know about, I scribbled on a scrap of paper and hid it in the box.
Quickly, I removed the papers from the box and stacked them in the back of the drawer. Opening my wallet, I took out a twenty-dollar bill, then another. I put both twenties in the box and closed the lid. The beginning of saving. Freedom.
My hand nudged the napkin from Lisa. One glimpse of her precise handwriting, and a chill shot through my belly. A phantom bill brushed my breast.
A disappointment? My parents couldn't even begin to guess the truth.
I took the little lies napkin out of the drawer and traced it down the inside of my arm.
The texture was different than money, lighter and airier, but my skin popped into goosebumps. My breath came faster. I tugged at the neckline of my sweater to expose my collarbone, teasing the napkin over the ridge, and shuddered. It slipped down between my breasts, nestling into my cleavage.
"Lisa," I whispered.
Jesus, her with some other girl. I couldn't imagine it, didn't want to.
Last night was nothing I'd ever hoped for and everything I'd ever dreamed about.
Staring at the heart-shaped box in the open drawer, I slipped off my fluffy sweater. The cocktail napkin tickled my breasts.
"Lisa," I moaned again. "You're a bad idea. I shouldn't even talk to you."
Then don't talk, I heard her say, before she covered my mouth.
My jeans came off. My legs were shaking. The napkin moved in circles over my thighs. When I couldn't take it, I staggered to my bed.
Usually, I lay on my back to get myself off. Legs together, holding still, going slow and keeping quiet. That's what I was used to, how I thought it would always be.
Until last night.
On all fours, I slipped a hand inside my bra to squeeze my breast, calling back the shock of Lisa touching me by the ATM. The pinches on my nipple, the caresses like she owned my flesh, the sick excitement when she slid the rolled-up twenty into my cleavage. The flood of want between my legs.
My whole body shuddered. When I cupped my pussy inside my panties, it was soaked. My hand knew what to do so well, but the light touch couldn't mimic Lisa. My fingers, sliding into wet heat, felt nothing like the shock of hee penetration.
Does it hurt, Jennie?
No, it didn't hurt. My strokes were soft and sweet, the way I'd always liked it.
That wasn't enough now.
I shoved a pillow between my legs, grinding furiously against it, starved for more. Bracing one foot on the floor, I thrust against the edge of my mattress, my hand trapped in my panties. I was fucking my bed, riding my furniture, hearing her voice. She'd followed me into my bedroom, my body, my mind.
"Oh God," I sobbed into my sheets. My fingers worked furiously on my clit. The seam of the mattress chafed my lips. "Lisa, please… Don't stop, don't ever stop… I say yes…YES…"
My knees went weak. My pussy convulsed again and again. I collapsed onto the bed, a hot mess, moaning and coming.
Slowly, my breathing returned to normal. I let go of the pillow and checked my phone.
12:58 am.
I stared at the fading numbers on my palm. Then I dialed and pressed cancel.
This was some fucked-up shit.
Jisoo saying yes to Haein was totally different than me saying yes to Lisa. Diamond rings were nothing like twenty-dollar bills. I wouldn't see any candles and barges in Lisa's room, wouldn't hear any loving promises.
A framed photo of my family smiled at me from the wall — the same one I'd showed Lisa on my phone. The Kim family, in their Easter best, looking down at the bad daughter slumped in her underwear. Every day, I walked through campus with a video in my head. Your best is never good enough. Be nice. What are people thinking? Make sure they have the highest opinion of you. Succeed, succeed, succeed.
From the time I'd approached Lisa last night to the time she dropped me off this morning, that video had been gone.
I pressed call.
She picked up on the second ring. "Hello."
One word, and it wound my body up.
"Lisa?" Her name came out in that breathy little voice I hadn't known I had.
"Hi, Jennie." I could hear her smile.
"I'll do it."
"You'll do what?"
Fuck you, asshole. "I'm in. I'll be your companion."
"Good. I hoped you'd say yes."
"That's so sweet," I rasped. "I'm glad you were thinking about me."
She chuckled. "You just came, didn't you?"
My stomach lurched. My bra strap slipped down my shoulder, and I pushed it back up. My heart beat faster. "Where are you getting that from?"
"I know how your voice sounds after you come," she said calmly. "And that's how you sound right now."
"Yes," I whispered. "I just came."
"What a horny girl. I think you're going to be the perfect playmate."
A chill ran over my body, half-fear, half-desire. "Let's stick with 'companion'—" I began.
"Come again."
"What?"
"Come again for me now."
The chill intensified. You're not paying me, I wanted to say. I'm not on the clock. Do I get overtime, Lisa? The words caught in my throat. My panties were soaked. I yanked the scrap of satin down my thighs, tossing it to the side.
"No."
"Jennie, how did it feel when you climaxed?" Her voice was a cold blade, caressing me with its point. Exquisitely painful and exquisitely arousing. "What were you thinking when your needy little pussy clenched up?"
Jesus. I should hang up right now, but I was already in the ring. I'd committed when I'd said yes, and I was sick of being called a quitter.
"You," I spat. "I was thinking about you."
"And?"
"Your fingers inside me. Your cock. How big it felt. The way you insulted me during sex. The way you kept saying 'mine.' How much I hated you. I still hate you."
"Good. Now touch yourself."
"Dammit, Lisa…"
"Do I need to walk you through it?" She sounded exasperated. "Doesn't a little slut like you know how to masturbate? Even twice in one night? I know you said you've always been a runner-up, but you can at least get this right."
"Fuck you," I gasped. "I was telling you private shit."
"Of course you were." Her voice was hard. "We're doing all kinds of private shit. Now touch your fucking clit."
I moaned. It wasn't a choice. It dropped out of me, willful and reckless. My hand went between my legs. My finger found my clit.
"Oh God."
"See? You do know what to do."
I did. But it wasn't about thinking or trying. Pure instinct drove my fingers on my pussy, faster and faster. I was out of control, impulsive, overwhelmed.
"More," I breathed.
"That's it." Her assured whisper sent tremors through my body. "You're dripping juices, aren't you? Listen to the sounds you're making, So hungry and wild and desperate. You're going to be a fucking mess every time I put my hands on your body. The more you keep it in on the outside, the more you're going to let it out with me. I'm going to fuck you senseless, Jennie, and you won't even be able to try to hide anything."
I gasped, furious, aroused, trembling, my fingers blurring on my clit.
"Lisa…" I sobbed.
"Fuck yes." She was masturbating too. It hit me in a flash. I'd been lost in my own shock and desire, but I heard her sudden intake of breath, her words becoming more disjointed. "I'm going to take you in every way possible. Give it up to me. You're mine."
The air left my lungs in a gasp. I hugged my thighs around my wrist as spasm after spasm wracked my body. My mattress creaked as I rocked back and forth.
"Oh God…oh Jesus…help me…"
Lisa's growls of release made me come harder. I saw her sprawled on her bed, her broad fist jerking her cock, arcs of cum spurting into the air.
"I can't stop coming."
"Ride it," she ordered, her voice hoarse. "Ride it till I say you can stop."
Jesus, I obeyed, rubbing my swollen clit, giving in to the intensity that peaked and peaked. Moaning, crying out, a total mess just like she'd said.
"Jennie." My name, in her voice, pierced the fog of sensation. "Stop. Take your hand away from your pussy."
I eased my hand away from my soaked folds. My heart hammered in my chest.
"I can't believe we just did that." My voice sounded watery.
"Good girl," she crooned. "I'm proud of you."
All I could do was pant for breath. I definitely wasn't proud that her words made me arch toward the phone like a cat begging to be stroked.
"So…Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?"
"What?" I mumbled. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Our schedule," she said patiently. "Do those nights work for you? Say ten pm. You'll stay over."
I rubbed my forehead. This was insanity. Spending the night might be the most insane of all. What would I tell my friends? If I had a new partner, no one would wonder where I was disappearing to, or why. But "girlfriend" didn't come anywhere near this situation.
"Okay, I'll stay over. But I have Student Senate until ten on Monday nights."
"Busy girl." She chuckled.
"So I'll be a little late. Like 10:15."
"Fine."
"Fridays, too. Let's do 11:30. I want to go out with my friends."
"You can go out on Saturday nights." Her soft voice made my stomach flip. "You're pushing me, Jennie."
"I need a life. You're asking for a lot of time."
"And I'm paying you for it."
"I'm aware of that."
"All right." Her voice was still soft. "11:30 on Fridays. I'm not going to go easy on you. And if you show up drunk, we don't do anything, and you don't get paid."
I flushed. "I'm going to ignore that last bit and assume you're a gentleman after all."
"No," she said matter-of-factly. "I just want you to remember everything."
"Yeah, okay," I muttered. "And—"
"And what?"
I scrubbed my forehead, leaned back against the wall, and twisted a lock of hair around my fingers.
"And what, Jennie?" she repeated.
"What about when I'm on my period?"
"It's not a problem for me." She sounded amused and completely unfazed.
"Well, it might be a problem for me."
"So we'll work around it. You can suck me off instead. Or we'll reschedule and I'll fuck you every day the next week. Or maybe you'll decide you want me to take you that way. It's not a big deal."
Uh-huh. No big deal, except that her words were making me hot and dizzy again. "Do I get breakfast in the morning?"
She chuckled. "Sure, I'll make you breakfast, baby. But you'll have to earn it."
"Fine," I bristled. "See you Monday night. Don't call me before then."
"I wasn't planning to." She hung up.
She'd dropped me so abruptly, I was still dangling from the conversation.
My screen showed three missed calls from my parents and another picture of Jisoo's diamond — zoomed out, sparkling on her hand as she and Haein nuzzled noses, their smiles angelic, candles glittering all around them.
I turned off my phone, wishing I'd been the one to hang up on Lisa.