Chapter 2: Hazbin Hire Part 2
[The clocktower says 6:20 pm. The partygoers are busy waiting for their entry to the party when a dark, shadowy figure fazes at them while carrying a bag of stuff. The partygoers are not amused]
Sinner: Hey, doofus! The line to Loserville is right around the street!
?: (nonplused) What did you say to me?
Hellborn: He's saying that you need to get lost! We've been waiting for 2 hours! Two fucking hours! So either leave already or pay up for making us wait 2 hours!
?: (awkwardly) Do you know who I am?
Imp: (mocking) Do you know who I am? Blah, blah, blah! I'm a cutter! I like to cut in line like some douchebag!
[Partygoers are laughing]
?: (awkward) I'm serious.
Imp: (still mocking) I'm serious! Blah, blah, blah! I also wear granny panties for a living!
[Partygoers continue laughing]
?: (awkward) Umm? I like a prostate exam please.
Imp: (still mocking) I like a prostate exam please! Blah, blah, blah! I'm…(realizes) Wait, what?
[The partygoers then witness the shadowy figure jam its fist onto the imp as he yells in horror. The males give a disgusted look while protecting their butts with their hands while the females have a mixed look; some are confused and others are aroused. In the end, the imp is cowering in shameful terror while the figure wipes its hands on a partygoer's tie.]
?: The names Vassago, btw. And also, I felt 12 bumps on your butt, so you need to see a doctor. Either that or you need to drink some tequila and write your will right now. So, bye.
Hellborn: V-V-V-V-Vassago!
Sinner: He's a Goetia Prince. I heard he can see the future and the past. I also heard he can discover hidden and lost things.
Vassago: Um, yeah. I can also predict that you will die right now.
Sinner: (falls down and sobs) How? I just died already! I don't want to die, again!
Vassago: Um, I was just kidding? You won't die now. Also, what made you think growing bread inside your body was a good idea?
Sinner: (embarrassed) If the internet says you can make bread out of a yeast infection, then you can make bread by pooping out your body!
Vassago: Says the head engineer of a nuclear plant.
[Flashback to the sinner's life as an engineer. He wonders whether falling inside a nuclear waste barrel will speed up the mixture inside. 12 hours later, several workers find the engineer's corpse riddled with tumors inside the barrel and donate it to a college classroom. Several students open a file and laugh at the cause of death: Scientific hypothesis gone stupid]
Sinner: That was an unfortunate accident. And obviously, I was wrong.
Vassago: (awkwardly) Yeah, um, I need to enter this place, so, bye.
[Vassago, a Goetia prince, enters the penthouse with stuff while the partygoers stiffen up when the individual they teased was a high ranking demon who can kill them with one brush stroke.]
[Hazbin Hotel intro]
[The clocktower says 6:40 pm. Axelrod witnesses several of his wives aim their weapons at partygoers, Husk, and Vaggie while trying to keep a calm demeanor towards the Hazbin staff. Making things even more uncomfortable for Axelrod are Jessica and Aritzia aiming their stingers at Charlie, Nifty, and Alastor, while the Hazbin staff see Angel Dust in the party, infuriating Vaggie. Before Axelrod can diffuse the situation, Vassago comes with his bag of stuff.]
Vassago: Hey, dude! What's up! I'm here and I got the stuff we need for a party! Chips, guac, and a 6 pack of artisanal beer. So sorry for not arriving on time but you try finding good beer in the Wrath ring at this hour. (notices the situation around him) Oh. um, I see your wives are aiming at randos! Let me guess, you brought a whore into your house and she turns out to be an undercover agent from the Maxeltine District.
Axelrod: Um, no.
Vassago: Oh! A member of the Fallen Church?
Axelrod: Still no!
Vassago: Then what is it?
Charlie: I'm here for Axelrod. He sent a resume to my associate, Alastor, and I want to have an interview with him. Even if you got hired out of the blue, as the owner and boss of the Happy…
Alastor: Hazbin!
Charlie: Hotel, I feel like I need to know more about you to see if the position you applied for fits our mission statement.
Vassago: What's the mission statement?
Angel Dust: (sarcastic) To rehabilitate sinners.
Vassago: No, seriously!
Angel Dust: That's it! To rehabilitate sinners.
Vassago: No, seriously!
Charlie: Anywho, I see you applied for a position as hotel security. Do you have time for an interview?
Axelrod: I mean, I have this party and it might take some time to clear out for a business meeting. Maybe tomorrow could we have an interview? I'm too tired and stressed out right now…
[When Axelrod suggests tomorrow, Charlie's smile turns into an upset frown. Before Axelrod can finish his sentence, Charlie goes full on demon at him and gives him an ultimatum]
Charlie: (Demonic) WE ARE HAVING AN INTERVIEW NOW OR YOU'RE FIRED!
Axelrod: Okay. Everybody, due to unexplained coincidences the party is postponed! I would like everybody to leave and we'll have the party tomorrow night! Okay!
Sir Pentious: (outraged) Canceled! I spent an entire hour picking my outfit and the party gets canceled! Listen, you repugnant, uncouth boy, I came here for a party, I expect a good time with these ladies, and I will not leave until I receive a good time!
Axelrod: Listen, old guy. I'm already stressed that my future boss and coworkers were almost killed by my wives, so I need you to leave before things get crazy.
Sir Pentious: Old guy?! I happen to be the dappest, bodacious, gay guy in the world!
Axelrod: Wait, then why are you hitting on the ladies? If you want male snakes, there's a nightclub called Venom Vapes that's 10 blocks east.
Sir Pentious: (disgusted) Eww! What?! I mean I'm happy and bombastic to start partying! Besides, my eyes are looking at those two right there.
[Sir Pentious points at Selaña and Aritzia while Axelrod responds angrily]
Axelrod: You can't have them! They're my wives! How dare you dream masturbate my wives!
Sir Pentious: Wait? How do you know that? You spoke with that bartender?
Axelrod: I was in the hot tub and was looking at you moaning about something. Also, your tail looks stiff! (grits teeth) Are you getting an erection!?
Sir Pentious: Wha? No! My tail isn't stiff! It's just cold from the temperature outside!
Axelrod: (blood boiling mad) Selaña! Aritzia! Get this fucking pervert out my penthouse! Kill him, torture him, or just kick him, I DON'T CARE!
Selaña: Let's go, you sicko! You love to masturbate?! Well, feel my teeth!
Aritzia: So, you like to masturbate, huh! Prepare to enjoy my venom, cabron!
[Selaña and Aritzia pierce into Pentious' tail and he reacts with painful arousal as they leave via elevator. Meanwhile, the partygoers are told to leave too with Vassago offering a lifesaver]
Vassago: Hey, listen up! I got a hotel room on the Envy ring and we can have an afterparty there. Um, only hellborns and other demons can come,so sorry sinners. Um, I got guac and chips also in case y'all hungry. Let's go already!
[The partygoers leave with Vassago while down on the ground level, Mandreas relays the same message to those outside]
Mandreas: So, yeah! Party is canceled due to reasons! So, get the fuck off or else!
[Partygoers leave grumbling]
Hellborn: 5 hours. 5 fucking hours and I made it to the front of the line! Man, my life sucks!
Mandreas: ¡Sorry, muchacho! Now leave already!
[Back on the top floor, Axelrod opens a room that has a long table with numerous chairs, a luxurious couch, several 4k TVs, and a skyline view of Pentagram City]
Angel Dust: (whistles) Isn't this a wonderful site? Hey, you can see the hotel from here!
Axelrod: Welcome to my conference room! I have this for meetings with people here or pretend to have meetings! In actuality, I need something here for this beautiful skyline so I bought some corporate stuff.
Charlie: Regardless, let's begin your interview!
[Charlie pulls out Axelrod's resume while the staff are getting comfortable with the office furniture.]
Angel Dust: This couch is truly a gift from some fucking god!
Nifty: (spinning on the swivel chair) Wee x5
Husk: Hey! Where's the booze!?
Axelrod: Check the bookcase!
[Husk then sees a large bookcase and pulls out a book, Eat, Pray, Love, and it slides left as Husk sees this enormous cache of liquor on every row. He spots one with gold dust and picks up the bottle to drink it]
Axelrod: (offscreen) Careful, that bottle you're drinking is Tulip Mania's Ale! I had to score that from outside channels due to it being non-existent in the Pride Ring!
Husk: Non-existent? Where the fuck is this ale from?
Axelrod: (offscreen) Greed Ring!
[Husk, dumbfounded, continues drinking the ale but savors every drop of it, knowing it's rarity. He then grabs bottle after bottle, puts them on a sack, and proceeds to exit the room and sit down while drinking some more ale. Vaggie then enters the conference and proceeds to whisper
Charlie something]
Charlie: Axelrod! This resume is real, right?
Axelrod: Uh…?
Charlie: Axelrod?! Are you telling me that you haven't had 12 years as a Straw Hat pirate!?
Axelrod: Uh?
Charlie: Or perhaps 6 years at Haijima Industries?
Axelrod: Oh? I meant to say…
Charlie: Or under "Education", 4 years attending Honnoji Academy!?
Axelrod: D'oh!
Vaggie: Aha! You lied! You gave us a fake resume, didn't you!?
[Charlie looks at Axelrod, disappointed. Vaggie looks at Axelrod, nonchalant. Angel Dust then gives Axelrod a disappointing head shake]
Axelrod: (sighs) Yes. I gave you a fake resume. My real resume is right here (pulls the real one out of his briefcase) and trust me, that is 100% real.
Vaggie: Right? It's "real". Like your last one which consisted of comic book names!
Axelrod: Manga! There is a huge difference between the two.
Vaggie: That doesn't matter! You lied to us! So, therefore, you must be fired!
Charlie: Now, now Vaggie! That isn't the right call. Axelrod, why did you lie to me? To us? Don't you trust us?
[The Hazbin staff, sans Vaggie and Alastor, give a sad wide eye stare]
Axelrod: It's not that I don't trust you. It's because I was told that in Hell you have to lie to survive! If you tell the truth in Hell, you die!
Alastor: He's not wrong, you know! Lying is the only way to live in this environment.
Husk: Yeah, but still, if you're caught lying you're dead!
Vaggie: Yeah! But he lied to Charlie, in front of her face! That counts for something, right!?
Axelrod: If getting a job meant surviving for another day, would telling lies be a lot better than telling the truth?
[Everyone just stares at each other, in dead silence]
Charlie: (clears her throat) Let's continue on. So, it says here you worked at Fizzaroli's Pizzatorium. Can you explain more about that?
Axelrod: Oh crap, not that place! Okay, so I actually worked at 12 stores in the span of 3 years and my experience there was underachieving, at best. The managers were bleak. The customers, I think one of the stores I worked at were sinners, are trashy at best. Uh, I was a cashier from the beginning and got promoted to Regional Money Holder (Head cashier but with a fancy title) when I was at the 11th store. The reason why I worked at 12 stores was a mix of employee transfers and gas explosions. Honestly, I asked the manager at the 5th store why can't we use safer pizza ovens so we don't transfer grease to the electrical outlets and the manager transferred me to the 6th store. Never heard from her since.
[While Axelrod continues explaining his experience, the staff comment on his wordings]
Husk: "Regional Money Holder"?
Nifty: I'm pretty sure that's cashier but with made up words.
Angel Dust: Fizzaroli's Pizzatorium? Bleaugh! They make horrible pizza. I ordered a slice there and it tasted like rat's blood mixed with drunkard vomit.
Alastor: (bemused) I bet those gas explosions explain my quiet morning stroll I take every Monday getting ruined.
Axelrod: (continuing) And since the 12th store, I came to the conclusion that I need to do something else with my life and, after eating some pepperoni, I quit after that. I would like to give you some references but the manager there disappeared for some reason and the store is now a perfumery.
Charlie: WOW! That is some story. Also, was it true that Fizzaroli's Pizzatorium used rat blood for their sauce?
Axelrod: Like the guy who made the franchise, there's no evidence that supports these rumors! But if you ask me, yes they used rat blood!
Charlie: Okay! Can you explain Beelzehaven's Buffetorium and Pizza Bar.
Axelrod: (indignant) I HATE THAT JOB! (looks at Charlie, baffled) I'm so sorry. It's just, that place gives me too much hatred! (grits teeth) Too much food, so many hours wasted!
Charlie: (disturbed) If you don't want to talk about it, we can skip it if you like?
Axelrod: No no. You asked for my experience there and I'll say it. (breathes in and out) It was an experience.
Vaggie: What the hell is Beelzehaven's Buffetorium and Pizza Bar? And why does it sound disgusting?
Axelrod: Unless you've been at the Gluttony ring, you've never experienced the mouth watering feast that's "Beelzehaven's Buffetorium and Pizza Bar". For me, however, it was a mind crushing experience. (grits teeth and salivates) I was an associate in the dessert section and I was put in charge of serving hungry guests with their choice of pies, cakes, and donuts. All the while, I was forbidden from eating the fallen crumbs the guests kept dropping. And then I was sent to assist the meat section where rows of raw meat dishes like steak tartare and cooked meat dishes like medium rare filet mignon were plated for the guests while I was to collect the broken plates on the floor. It was a mind numbing job. Mmm, donuts.
Charlie: (snapping fingers) Axelrod? Axelrod? Axelrod?
Axelrod: (coming back to his senses) Huh? Sorry! I had some hangry moments.
Vaggie: Was the buffetorium that bad?
Axelrod: Imagine if you were in charge of a large dining room, the customers are asking for tea and cookies, you deliver said food to the customers, one of them offers you a cookie as a good gesture, and Charlie immediately slaps your hand and face while condescendingly berating you in front of the guests.
[Charlie looks at Vaggie with a face that says "I would never do such a thing, honest"]
Axelrod: That was my time at Beelzehaven's Buffetorium and Pizza Bar. URGH! Still hate that name! My time there was seasonal, thank goodness. I flipped off the boss there, pissed on the soda fountain, and left with several trays of tacos, paella, baked clams, lobsters, and enough donuts for one medium artisanal coffee.
Vaggie: (disturbed) You did what?
Axelrod: In my defense, the customers were too busy gorging. Plus, the tacos I took were American, you know, ground beef with ketchup instead of suadero with cilantro and red onion.
Charlie: Now you're making me crave tacos. The authentic ones you described and maybe my partner's taco.
[Vaggie looks at Charlie with a face that says "Not the time, my love"]
Selaña: Perdoname, yo ollé tacos! You want my love! They're carnitas.
Axelrod: Yes, my snakey wife.
[Selaña leaves a plate of carnitas tacos, red salsa, and guacamole while slamming her tail at Vaggie's face. Mandreas runs with a liter of soft drink.]
Mandreas: Here you go, bro!
Axelrod: Aw, sweet! Luci Cola! I love this brand!
[Axelrod opens the cap and chugs down the cola, astonishing the staff, especially Husk who puts down the ale, while eating the tacos and stopping when Charlie looks at him, puzzled]
Axelrod: Oh, um do you want some?
Charlie: Tacos, yes! (takes the taco and eats it)
[The staff, and a reluctant Vaggie, enjoy the tacos with glee.]
Charlie: So, you like my father's cola. I guess we share the same taste. I technically prefer the diet version, you know, to stay fit. So, what was your time as a teller in Mint City?
Axelrod: (talks with mouth full) Interesting but tense. I worked at Mammon's Bank & Loans. Store #45 in the Gold District. Got fired for participating in a bank heist.
Angel Dust: You got fired for taking money?
Axelrod: More like, for not alerting the manager of the upcoming bank heist 5 days in advance.
Charlie: Nightclub employee?
Axelrod: No Condoms Clubs at the Crystal Palace. I was a "bouncer". And I was fired for "reasons". It's complicated.
Charlie: I understand. I understand. Office drone? Care to explain?
Axelrod: Call center employee for Pentagram City's DMV. So many lines, so many complaints over unfair ticket prices. And then Yvette gets my order wrong, again! I asked for lamb with rice, no salad, tahini and spicy sauce and I ended up with fish and rice with nothing! Yvette, I filed your paperwork just so you can call your cheating husband over the pending divorce he's about to receive. I would like for my favors to be paid in full!
[Axelrod then sees Charlie, confused, and Angel Dust is cowering in his seat]
Axelrod: Um. Did I make an outburst? I didn't mean to. I just have very bad relations with my coworkers there.
Angel Dust: Honey, do you want to chill and have a drink?
Axelrod: No thanks! I want to continue and I swear these outbursts won't surface again.
Charlie: Levitowne Megaplex. What was that like?
Axelrod: I was only hired because my wife wanted me to understand more about the film industry in the Envy ring. That and I love movies so much that I applied for jobs but the cineplexes in the Pride ring won't hire me for "no film experience". I enjoyed the megaplex job and it was the only place where I was offered popcorn for free. Unfortunately, my time there was cut short due to the "Late Night Popcorn Scalding Accident". The employees pointed the finger towards me, I was told to pay for the amount of popcorn I ate regularly per pound, I handed my work outfit to my boss only for her to throw it to her fireplace, and was barred from working at the cineplexes for infinity.
Vaggie: All that over popcorn?
Axelrod: It's not the popcorn, it's the movie experience. The employees and customers had me fired for ruining every moviegoer's experience because of the aforementioned incident. That and I kinda gave certain customers free beer just to increase sales at the concession stand. But, Aldrigo will verify that it was his idea and not mine's!
Vaggie: Who's Aldrigo?
Axelrod: One of the employees there. I think he was the general manager or something?
Vaggie: Lu Lu World? Explain, now?!
Axelrod: I applied for that job because I wanted to apologize to Lucifer. I heard he appeared at the amusement park when I applied for a seasonal position. Also, it was the summertime. When summer starts, either work while playing in the sun or just sit in your house complaining about the weather everyday.
Charlie: Why did you want to apologize to my dad?
Axelrod: I did something awful.
Charlie: What was it?
[Axelrod tells Charlie his accident. Afterwards, the entire staff, sans Alastor, had their jaws dropped while Charlie's head was on the conference table as Axelrod looked at Charlie, ashamed. Vaggie then excoriates him]
Vaggie: You! Motherfucking! Filthy! Perverted! Lecherous! Puta! Why do you think masturbating Lilith was a good idea!
Axelrod: First of all, I knew it wasn't a good idea in hindsight. Secondly, I was horny and needed to release my energy. Third, the portrait itself had the words "Mastrubate me" all over it. What was I supposed to do? Leave it!
Vaggie: Maybe your first decision would be to acknowledge the fact that this is Charlie Morningstar, the daughter of Lucifer and Lilith Morningstar! You masturbating her mother is an example of why Hell is so fucked up and in desperate need of cleaning up! And another thing!
[Vaggie then spots the chair Axelrod was sitting empty. Axelrod then show the staff a picture he took of Lilith to confirm his findings]
Axelrod: See, this pose clearly says "Masturbate me, Axey!"
Husk: You know, it really does encourage masturbation for those who see it.
Nifty: I wish I could pose like that. Maybe then, I can have rows of men jacking off over this succulent body.
Angel Dust: I mean, the pose clearly wants me to masturbate heavily. But I'm sure I can pose like that and get the same results.
Alastor: (sarcastic) A charming photo. Surely, this is what every simpleton needs in their bedroom.
Axelrod: Huh? Normally, whenever I tell people about this photo and explain my situation, they react with disgust and tell me to cut off my penis. But this is the first time I heard any positive feedback.
Vaggie: (flustered) Positive! This is the Queen of Hell! This is Charlie's mother! How can you idiotas just wax this off as a compliment!
[Axelrod then gives Vaggie the phone with the picture and her rage subsides to an ironic attraction]
Vaggie: (aroused) I mean, she looks like Charlie in this angle. And her waist makes me salivate. Wait! I mean, this photo is still no excuse for that behavior! But then, her lips are like Charlie's, even down to her sultry eyes. Wait! I'm still outraged over your mastubating accident. Of course, her breasts look huge in this portrait. {I wonder what Charlie's bra size is again?} I want to squeeze them to my chest and rub them onto my thighs. Wait! Doh! I'm sorry Charlie! I'm not immune to your mom's portrait. But even so, I need some air to clear my head.
Charlie: (looks at the phone) Huh? It's true what dad says, I really do look like mom in some angles. Will I have lips like those someday? (looks at Axelrod) Well, in spite of your reasoning, I'm still going to weigh this as a reason to fire you. Now, what was Lu-Lu World like?
Axelrod: Basically, your average amusement park job. Work the rides like "Dante's Downfall" rollercoaster and "It's a Small World Yet I'm Bigger Than You", working at the front gate, accepting those with Lu-Lu passes and shooting those with counterfeits, bartending the "Garden of Hellden", eating amusement food like hell dogs and popcorn, and on Sundays I was put in charge of the park's only gift shop, "The Lilith Morningstar Experience"! I love that day because, since my wives ask for Lilith's "Sultry" perfume set, I took several boxes and gave them for sex.
Charlie: You mean, you bought them?
Axelrod: Charlie? They're like 7,000,000 souls per set. I'm rich, not a spendthrift.
[Charlie's smile turns to a frown over the revelation. The staff only make things worse]
Angel Dust: 7,000,000 souls!? What is this set made of, gold!?
Axelrod: Palladium, actually. It's a perfume set not lip balm.
Nifty: 7,000,000 souls? Just where does the money go? And why would one container of perfume have that much value?
Husk: Beats me. Why waste so much money on stupid smelly liquid?
[Husk chugs another liquor bottle until he takes a cross shaped bottle out of his sack that Axelrod's eyes stare at. His demeanor goes from professional to serious as Husk places a shot glass on the table]
Axelrod: (concerned) Don't drink that!
Husk: Why?
Axelrod: That's not liquor!
Husk: What are you talking about? It's fucking vodka!
Axelrod: It's not vodka! That is something not meant for demons like you!
Husk: Bite me, boy!
[Husk pours some on his glass, picks it up, and takes a sip. At first, nothing. But as soon as Husk starts to gloat, his mouth starts to foam, his eyes turn pale, and he collapses on the floor seizing. Axelrod chastises the drunkard]
Axelrod: What did I tell you!? That shit isn't vodka, it's venom! Venom for demons! And you chug other drinks like liquid cocaine! Whatever, I need to find the antidote! Keep him steady while I get the ingredients!
[The staff go towards the seizing Husk as Axelrod goes to a dark room to get the antidote, unbeknownst to him Vaggie is outside the balcony, coping]
Vaggie: I mean, it's not like Charlie will end up looking like her mother! But will she look unrecognizable as time goes on? (glass breaks) Huh? What's going on?
[Vaggie sees Axelrod trying to slit his left arm with a knife]
Axelrod: Come on! Come on! Just do it! Just fucking do it! DO IT IN THE NAME OF CHARLOTTE MORNINGSTAR! (slices arm and bleeds to a sake cup) AAAAAHHHHH! THIS FUCKING HURTS! JUST…NEED…TO LET…MY BLOOD DRIP AND THEN POUR SOME SNAKE WINE FOR COVER! (seethes) COME ON, AXELROD! DO IT FOR THIS JOB! (breathes) Ok, now where are those things!?
[Vaggie then sees Axelrod grab something and place it onto his arm to heal the cut. Axelrod then comes back to the conference room and gives the staff the antidote]
Axelrod: Here, you idiot! Drink this up and you'll heal fast.
Angel Dust: Why was it red?
Axelrod: Snake wine!
Nifty: For real!
Axelrod: Yes! Selaña makes a lot of batches for me! It's really good stuff!
[Husk stands up and coughs while sitting. Vaggie then runs out the next room and heads to Charlie, frantic about what she saw]
Vaggie: Charlie! Charlie! I need to tell you something!
Charlie: Not now, Vags! I have to continue with this interview before things go even more insane.
Vaggie: But Charlie!
Charlie: (annoyed) I said not now.
Vaggie: But!
Charlie: (impatient) SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
[Vaggie sits down, silent and morose, as the interview continues with Axelrod continuing with the experience on his resume]
Axelrod: (calmly) And after my seasonal gig was up, I was hired as a sales associate at Francs in the Greed ring.
Charlie: I heard about that store. Very pushy aren't they?
Axelrod: Pushy? Perhaps but very versatile in terms of scheduling.
Charlie: How versatile?
Axelrod: Part-time work, full-time pay. The only benefit there was their willingness to give me their clearance section for free. Above all else, the job was…
[Suddenly, a gust of wind blows the conference room, leaving the staff in a standstill. Out of the shadows comes two individuals, Sune and Harlacher, in a suit and tie carrying a briefcase.]
Harlacher: (professional) My client is not in liberty to discuss such manners like this.
Axelrod: Wha? What is happening? (whispers) Sune? Does Kuko know about this?
Sune: No and please tell me what have you told them?
Axelrod: My work history.
Harlacher: (awkward) So, you aren't being interrogated?
Axelrod: (sotto) NO!
Harlacher: You told me that he was being held hostage! Why did you drag me out here, make me wear this stuffy outfit and act like a tough as nails lawyer!
Charlie: (annoyed) Axelrod, who are these people!?
Axelrod: (sighs) This is my wife, Sune. She is a sexy ninja who will say sorry for what I call a misinterpreted situation!
Sune: I apologize for my rudeness. My husband is what I call an imbecile.
Axelrod: Not imbecile, just naive!
Sune: Same thing!
Angel Dust: Pretty sure those words have different meanings.
Husk: Pretty sure she doesn't care!
Sune: The gonk is right! But as a wife, my husband's safety is my number 1 priority!
Charlie: I assure you, Sune! I am interviewing your husband for a job he applied for and nothing else.
Vaggie: Yeah! And your idiot husband needs to lock his doors!
Sune: Silence! He's just naive and I will not be sassed by a microscopic bodyguard like you!
Vaggie: (indignant) What was that!?
Harlacher: Enough! This is an interview not a boxing match! You want to fight, do it outside, not in front of my client!
Charlie: And who are you?
Axelrod: This is my attorney, Harlacher.
Harlacher: Harlacher Kocho, attorney at law! I represent this gorgeous guy in his messy affairs and I may have listened to your conversation. I would like to remind my lovely man that certain jobs he's been talking about are violating attorney client privilege and that you will not cease with your experience at Francs!
Axelrod: (grits teeth) Harlacher! WTF!
Harlacher: Remember, what happened at Mint City!?
Axelrod: (embarrassed) I'm sorry but my attorney is right. Explaining more about Francs might expose certain events I'm not in liberty to discuss.
Charlie: All I want to know is what was the job like?
Axelrod: Average. That is all.
Charlie: Ok. What about your experience as a gas station attendant?
[Harlacher whispers at Axelrod]
Axelrod: Not allowed to tell you.
[Charlie frowns and Harlacher whispers at Axelrod again]
Axelrod: I will say this, if you happen to drive south in the Wrath ring for some reason and see a giant crater somewhere, that's why.
Charlie: (awkwardly) Ok? Mechanic?
Axelrod: Not allowed to tell you.
Charlie: Barista?
Axelrod: Hippocrates Rhombus, artisanal cafe, got fired due to anarchistic bombing. And that was the district's name, not the store's. The cafe there was named Weather Underground's Brew.
Charlie: Tina's Tacos?
Axelrod: Not allowed to tell you.
Charlie: Fifth Street Falafel and Arms?
Axelrod: Not allowed to tell you.
Charlie: Hardtack's Seaworthy Cruise?
Axelrod: An epic adventure I never went because I got distracted from the cracker rations I ate. As far as I know, they sank before leaving the pier.
Charlie: How?
Axelrod: Mast accident.
Vaggie: (puzzled) On a cruise ship!?
Axelrod: Yes.
Charlie: Le Haute Horns. You worked as a waiter there, right?
Axelrod: Yep! I was referred there by a friend. The job was hectic but fine. My manager was outrageously busy and the employees wanted to assassinate me for my excellent customer service.
Vaggie: (confused) Wait what?
Charlie: I think you meant to say congratulate you?
Harlacher: I'm afraid it's true! Those pinheads were "hipsters" and viewed my luscious client as a threat to their hard work. They even went as far as hiring rival gang members as waiters to kill him.
Vaggie: Hey, wait a minute! Doesn't that violate "attorney client privilege"!
Axelrod & Harlacher: You two wanted the truth, here it is!
[Dumbfounded, Chaggie shut their mouth and continued the interview]
Charlie: Tell me more about yourself? Apart from your work history, your skills, hobbies, education? What can you tell me about ed…?
[Charlie looks at the resume for any sign of education and looks back at Axelrod with confusion]
Charlie: Axelrod? You did go to school right?
Axelrod: (awkwardly) Um, yeah no! I never went to school and my education section is blank like that.
Vaggie: (triumphant) Oh, so sorry! We require at least a Bachelor's degree or higher to be accepted here. So, I'm going to need you to take this as a sincere apology and see that Charlie will reject your application right now.
Harlacher: (indignant) Now wait just a minute! Axelrod might not have a degree but he is willing to work for peanuts!
Sune: (indignant) That's right! My husband is over-qualified for the position! And if that's not enough, tell me (points to the staff) do these gonks have Masters degrees!?
Alastor: I'm just an investor. I don't need flimsy papers to justify my qualifications!
Husk: Bartending license. That is all!
Nifty: (being honest) I died in the 50's. In this world, I'm just a housewife.
Angel Dust: Does a killing license count?
Harlacher: Coming to think about it, do you have a "Bachelor's degree"?
Vaggie: Umm? Uhh? I mean?
Charlie: The answer is no. And Vags, there is no education requirement for the Happy…
Alastor: Hazbin!
Charlie: Hotel. You can have 5 PhD's and still be a busboy! And don't worry, just as long as you know the difference between a guest and trespassers, the results are the same as with any interview.
Axelrod: Do you have a degree, Ms. Morningstar?
Charlie: (embarrassed) Yes and no. I do have a formal education but my dad wouldn't let me go to college. He thinks it's a waste of time and money learning things high school already taught you!
Axelrod: Typical Lucifer.
Chaggie: What?
Axelrod: His pride! The fact that Lucifer is arrogant enough to believe that a high school degree is enough to earn a high paying job. When, in fact, a degree higher than that can reward something better.
Charlie: That's not untrue.
Vaggie: You could at least word it better.
Axelrod & Harlacher: You two wanted the truth, here it is!
[Chaggie responds with cross-popping veins. The interview continues]
Charlie: Do you want to tell me about yourself? How does Axelrod describe himself as?
Axelrod: I'm 20. I'm rich beyond (points to Angel Dust) that slut's wildest dreams.
Angel Dust: Slut!? I've been called numerous names but at least come up with something original, sweetheart.
Axelrod: (continuing) My hobbies include video games, watching films, dancing, cooking, bowling, instrument playing like violin, saxophone, trumpet, and air guitar, watching shows, and my favorite pastime, anime and manga.
Husk: Manga?
Vaggie: You mean comic books?
Nifty: Actually, that's a different genre.
Vaggie: How so?
Axelrod: Comic books are an American icon. Manga is a Japanese icon. Comic books deal with superheroes and supervillains. Manga deals with characters of various styles dealing with an array of themes and situations in a silly or serious environment. Sometimes both. Comic book fans are called nerds or enthusiasts. Manga readers are referred to as otaku or (grits teeth) weeaboos.
Charlie: What manga are you into, Axelrod?
Axelrod: I'm not allowed to tell you out of attorney-client privilege. But, it's mostly silly ones.
Chaggie: What do you mean by "silly ones"?
Axelrod, Harlacher, Sune, Husk, and Nifty: What part of attorney-client privilege don't you understand!?
Charlie: So, do you have a family?
Axelrod: Yes. I am married to 5 beautiful wives.
Vaggie: Five?
Axelrod: Wives. And they're faithful to me and to anyone who's of good standing.
Angel Dust: Five wives? Are you a polygamist?
Axelrod: Harem seeker! Do I look like some loser in a suit going door to door talking about false teachings that can save yourself?
Charlie: No, actually. It's just that we never encountered someone who has more than one spouse.
Vaggie: It's just unnatural here!
Axelrod: Pretty sure this is Hell, right?
Vaggie: But not everyone does it, right!?
Axelrod: If there were 1000 of you, wouldn't Charlie want to wed all of you?
Charlie: (puzzled) Of course I would! But 1000 would be too much for me. Maybe 500-600, but not 1000.
[Vags responds back to Charlie with a look that says "I know you're honest, but am I not good enough for you?]
Axelrod: Besides, I'm not hurting anyone.
Angel Dust: What about the potential husband who never got the chance to say some flirty remark to them?
[Suddenly, the lights turn off for a few minutes. Once the lights are back on, behind Axelrod are the 4 remaining wives with their eyes glaring at Angel Dust as he sits nonchalantly]
Kuko: (adamantly) How dare you respond with such disrespect to my husband! I was a whore until he freed me from my captors! My blades will tear your limbs piece by piece!
Sune: My sword was forged out of angel blood and can slay an Overlord's demon form in 4 seconds! In your case, I can finish in 15 milliseconds!
Selaña: (violently) You may be a spider, but as a snake I have enough venom to kill physically or destroy you mentally! Either way, you will cry like the little bitch you are!
Aritzia: I have two methods for your lying tongue. One is to bite you and drain the testosterone out of you. I do this to the filthiest of men and leave them impotent. The other is to use my stinger and inject a venom that is worse than kidney stone urine.
Jessica: My stinger can pierce that thin layer of a body you call skin! You'll probably feel nothing afterwards!
Angel Dust: (nonplused) It was a joke, ladies! I didn't mean what I said!
Harem: Die, bastard!
[The harem's attack gets interrupted by Axelrod blocking Angel Dust's way]
Axelrod: That's enough! I know what he did was an insult but spare him. But he's a client for the job I'm applying for!
Angel Dust: Thanks, sweetheart!
Axelrod: Listen, I know you're flirty and all but you need to apologize to me unless you want your nuts chopped and dissolved in battery acid!
Angel Dust: Apologize? Hah! I told a joke and I expected some laughs!
Axelrod: You joked about some touchy subjects. Just be glad my wives arrived and not the entire syndicates I'm affiliated with.
Charlie: Syndicates?
Axelrod: Yeah, one thing I wanted to avoid was my affiliation to the crime syndicates I'm married to.
Vaggie: You're married to mob bosses!?
Axelrod: You have an Overlord as an investor. How is this any different?
Vaggie: You're married to mob bosses! You're affiliated to murder schemes and drug trafficking! You probably have some hit list of innocent people that you kill for laughs!
Axelrod: Not true! I have a list but I "kill" for justified reasons. Those "innocent people" were rival gang members that either extorted imp kids for their lunch money or corrupt hospital employees switching oxygen tanks with helium ones. And as for the drug trafficking, I was assigned as the seller and nothing else. And the majority of those meetings end with me getting kidnapped!
Charlie: Kidnapped!
Vaggie: Kidnapped?
Angel Dust & Husk: Kidnapped. You? Why?
Axelrod: I'm worth my weight in palladium as a hostage.
Hazbin Staff: Why?!
Harem: That's a secret!
Axelrod: Look, just apologize! What do you have to lose?
Angel Dust: My dignity and reputation!
Axelrod: What a gonk!
Angel Dust: OK, what the fuck is a gonk? You keep saying that and obviously that means something involving moody candles.
Axelrod: That's goth. Gonk means you're ugly.
Angel Dust: UGLY!? How ugly is this guy!?
[Axelrod shows Angel Dust a manga chapter with a gonk character and points his finger at it. Angel Dust falls to the ground in shame]
Angel Dust: (ashamed) NO! I can't be that ugly! You're obviously referring to someone else who looks like that? How can you see me like that!? (cries) I'm sorry! I take back what I said! Just don't call me a gonk!
Axelrod: I will take your apology, but my words are just!
Charlie: Moving on, you have a harem. That's fine. And how do you describe your love life?
Axelrod: Just your average husband with enough love to go around. I love them and they love me. I cherish my marriages with sex in bed being a daily routine.
Charlie: Interesting. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
Axelrod: Hopefully, part of the hotel staff. Continuing their mission statement.
Charlie: I just have one more question before more shenanigans happen. Do you agree that a sinner can be redeemed!?
[A long pause between the two happens as the staff wait for Axelrod's response. Finally, he speaks]
Axelrod: Yes.
Charlie: I knew it. Just like Alastor said.
Vaggie: See! Even he thinks the idea is ridiculous!
[Suddenly, both girls backtrack their thoughts]
Chaggie: Wait a minute? You said yes!?
Axelrod: Yeah. I think a sinner can be redeemed.
Chaggie: How and why!?
Axelrod: Because I've seen it before.
[The staff responds with a look that says "Explain"]
Axelrod: The details are sketchy but I remember that this individual was a sinner who was begging for its life to end. I think it went through a lot of torture before a light out of nowhere beamed at it and then the body of that sinner was lifted upwards while shedding some parts into its new form. I think it was accepting the flaws within itself. I'm not sure about the individual's stint here but perhaps it was something important in its former life. Either way, I truly believe a sinner can be redeemed.
Vaggie: Despite that story you may have made up, the decision will be judged by the staff in regards to your employment and I vote no. My reasons stem from your sketchiness and total disregard of criticism.
Angel Dust: No. You hurt my feelings by calling me names.
Husk: Yes. The kid has grit. Hard to find that in Hell.
Nifty: Yes! He's a guy. And an attractive one to boot.
Alastor: Yes! I like the cut of his jib. (silent) And his deal with me is enough to boost his acceptance!
Vaggie: Charlie, it's your decision. Yes or No. And please pick no! From the sound of things, he's worse than Alastor!
Charlie: Axelrod. You have a promising life. Your resume is chock full of experience that would make over-qualification a massive understatement. And you really are a person of interest. But, I need to lay down the cards and say that you're fired!
Axelrod: What? What!? WHAT!? NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Please, Ms. Morningstar. I need this job badly! If I don't get hired here, I'll have to relocate to Chula Town and that place sucks!
Vaggie: Isn't chula a Spanish word for beautiful?
Axelrod: That's just a gimmick! If anything, it's layered with flats! No way, dumbass!
Charlie: (demonic) LET ME FINISH! You're being fired so that I can hire you personally.
Axelrod: Wait what?
Vaggie: Wait what?
Angel Dust: Wait what?
Alastor: Wait what?
Jessica: She said that she fired you to hire you.
Axelrod: Thanks, Jessy. But seriously, you want to hire me? I thought I was hired?
Charlie: Yes, by Alastor! By firing you, I, personally, get to hire you on the spot.
Axelrod: I'm still confused?
Charlie: It's like this. Alastor hired you but he's just an investor. I hired you but I'm the owner. Tell me, who outranks who?
Axelrod: The owner of the hotel, I'm assuming.
Charlie: You're correct! You'll start, what day is it?
Axelrod: Thursday?
Charlie: Next Monday! Is that fine with you?
Axelrod: (excited) Yes!
Charlie: Okay! Thank you so much for this magnificent interview! I will see you next Monday!
Vaggie: But! But! But! Charlie! What about the gangs he affiliated with? The lies he started with in the beginning?
Charlie: Vags, we have an Overlord as an investor. How is this any different?
Alastor: Hello pot. My name is kettle. You're black!
Vaggie: My hair is gray. And wait, he never strikes you as odd or something? Do his wives know about our mission statement?
Charlie: Vags, for being unproductive in the interview, you're fired!
Vaggie: Wait, Charlie! NO!
Charlie: Just kidding! It's just a joke, Vags!
[Vaggie seethes as the staff exit via the elevator. Axelrod, elated, heads to his hot tub with Selaña, Harlacher & Jessica in tow]
Axelrod: What an exhausting night! I can't wait to unwind!
Jessica: You said it, husband! My nipples are waiting to be sucked on.
Harlacher: May I suck your dick, sir!
Axelrod: Yes, Harlacher! Make it happen!
[Axelrod enjoys his pleasure time with both girls while laying on his snake wife's chest until Selaña asks a question]
Selaña: By the way, what was that interview about?
Axelrod: A hotel meant to rehabilitate sinners.
Selaña, Jessica & Harlacher: No seriously!
Axelrod: Whatever, I was hired to be a security guard.
Selaña: You mean, Demon Resources agent!
Axelrod: Sure, let's go with that. (pauses) Wait! Why does it feel like we're forgetting something?
?: Hello! Is anyone there!? I'm stuck!
[Axelrod gets out of the tub and sees down the ledge an imp, probably a party guest, on a pole]
Axelrod: Are you alright!?
Imp: Yeah! Just grabbing onto this pole! With my hands glued to it! Pretty sure that was my sweat!
Axelrod: I'll send in my bro to get you! Just hang on tight!
Imp: Can you spare some undies too! I seemed to eject my bowels!
Axelrod: (on his walkie) Mandreas, we got a #87! I repeat, a #87!
Mandreas: I'll get the rags no one uses!
[Axelrod heads back to the tub, still unsatisfied]
Selaña: Something wrong, amor?
Axelrod: I can't feel like we're forgetting something? Eh, just let my fingers squeeze your nipples, amor!
Selaña: OH! Madre santa! Axelrod!
[The clocktower reads 11:03 pm. On the 44th Floor, Sir Pentious, bruised, beaten, slitted, poisoned, and aroused, is upside down along with half of his minions. Disheveled and hemorrhaging, he looks back at the events with glee]
Sir Pentious: I was picking an outfit for a party, met a sexy snake girl, kissed my minion in a dream sequence, went to said party only to be humiliated, met a sexy scorpion girl, lambasted for "masturbating", yelled at the proprietor for canceling the party, got in trouble when the proprietor was wed to my sexy, venomous girls, dragged to an undisclosed place, beaten by underlings while my egg minions were pummeled by the sexy girls, and left dangling about out the 44th floor of this building. Surmisable to say, BEST PARTY EVER!
Rando: GO TO SLEEP, YA NIMROD!
End of Chapter 1 Part 2