JENNIE
The next night, I tested myself. It was Saturday, and I planned to go out with the girls later. But early evening found me home alone.
When dusk turned into night, I closed my bedroom door, took a deep breath, and shut the lights.
In the darkness, my body tightened. I breathed out slowly, carefully, and made my way to the bed.
The room was familiar enough that I didn't bump into anything. When I passed my desk, I felt for the middle drawer and dropped in my phone with the junky snacks, the pills, and the napkin that said little lies.
In bed, I ran my hands over my body. I was solid. Those were my clingy sweater sleeves, pushed up my arms. The heart necklace I'd gotten for my sixteenth birthday. The thick chunky socks I'd put on to wear around the apartment. I couldn't see, but I didn't need to.
There were no distractions in the dark.
No Lisa.
Only me.
The door creaked. I must have left it open a crack. Tiny feet skittered across the floor and a sleek body jumped on the bed. Amelia's cat curled up against me. I petted her silky fur. Petal wasn't fazed by the dark.
"I'm trying to be alone right now," I told her. She purred like a motor coming to life.
Dance music erupted — my phone, jangling from the desk drawer. Habit took over and I leapt off the bed. Petal rumbled in protest.
"I'll make it quick," I promised.
My fingers were too eager, fumbling the drawer open in the dark. My heart beat too fast, hoping it was Lisa calling. That I'd summoned her by turning out the lights.
"Hello?" My whisper was hoarse. I'd grabbed my phone without looking at the screen.
"Jennie?" said my sister's startled voice. "Is that you?"
"Oh, hey." I made my way back to the bed.
"Phew." Jisoo laughed in relief. "You didn't sound like yourself. What are you up to, girl?"
"Just sitting alone in the dark."
"Honey?" Now there was definite concern in her tone. "Is everything okay?"
I sighed and switched on the light. My room looked different, sharper. Petal narrowed her yellow eyes at me and shook herself.
"Everything's fine. I'm gearing up for homework. Then I'm meeting the girls for some pregaming and serious partying, and I'll probably end up rescuing Rosé from a situation and taking her home."
"Okay, it really is you." She laughed again. "I was wondering if I got the wrong number."
"My friends are so happy for you." I toyed with my necklace, feeling Lisa's fingers playing over my throat. "I'm gonna make you an epic bachelorette party."
"Oh, they're so sweet. And I trust you completely, honey. Honestly, the planning has been a dream. I can't believe how smoothly it's going. And Haein? He's incredible, Jennie. He thinks of every little thing, even though we're both so busy with school. I'm the luckiest girl in the world."
This was the part where I should agree with her. I said nothing. I ran my finger along the chain of my necklace, around the gold heart.
"I'm sorry, baby," she said remorsefully. "I'm going on like this when you deserve the same. Haein's cousin…"
"I don't want him, Jisoo."
"I know he's not Kai, but give him a chance. He's the sweetest guy."
"I don't want Kai either."
She sighed. "I understand. Sometimes a girl needs time to herself."
God, her voice was so reassuring. Like there was nothing Jisoo couldn't get, nothing she wouldn't understand. But she would never understand about Lisa. She would never understand my shaking excitement as that deep voice murmured filthy insults.
She would never understand the bills in my purse.
"We are so overdue for some sister bonding time," Jisoo went on. "What about next weekend? I'm thinking we can meet up at home and go wedding dress shopping. Please say yes. I don't want to do it without you."
"Count me in," I said automatically. "I'll be there."
"Perfect. We'll go out on Friday night, catch up, and hit the stores on Saturday."
"Jisoo—" I fingered the heart on my necklace. "I can't do Friday. Let's look at dresses Saturday morning and go out that night."
"I can't. I'm sorry, baby. I'm seeing Haein Saturday night. You know how it is, being long distance. I feel bad that I'm basically squeezing him in. Change your plans for Friday?"
"Can't."
"Jennie, Rosé will survive without you for one Friday night."
I nibbled my bottom lip. This was her wedding, and she was my sister.
I just didn't want to cancel.
"I'm — seeing someone." I leaned my head against the wall. "Friday nights are kind of our thing."
"Really?" Her voice exploded with joy. "I'm so happy for you! Why didn't you tell me?"
"It's pretty new. We're just getting to know each other."
Lies had a taste. Flat, metallic. I'd never noticed it before, because I was so fucking accustomed to pretending.
Jisoo was picturing a beautiful new love. A flower just starting to open. If she knew the truth, she'd cry.
"Look — I'll drive down super early and get there first thing Saturday morning. We'll have the whole day together. It'll be perfect. You'll look so hot in all the dresses, the store will want to give them to you for free."
"Oh, please." She laughed. "You're too sweet."
"You deserve only good things."
We did air kisses and hung up. Petal, asleep now, was a black puddle on my bed. I turned out the lights and joined her.
There was a softness to the dark in my room, like an old blanket turned into a tent. It enfolded me. I was beginning to understand why Lisa called the darkness her oldest friend.