JENNIE
Heads turned as we walked into the brightly lit waiting room. Health Services wasn't busy tonight. A few people occupied scattered chairs, sniffling.
"Oh, hey." One guy pointed at me. "You're the cheerleader who made everyone fall down."
I glanced at Lisa's wool sweater. It covered my uniform, dark as the face of a rock. But between my cheer shoes, bare legs, big red bow in my hair, and school logo on my cheek, you could tell what I'd been doing tonight.
"You were at the game?" I asked.
"No, there's a video. It's all over." He brandished his phone. "That was frickin' awesome, the way you all—"
"No video." I put up my hand to block the view. "Don't want to see, don't want to know."
Lisa moved between us like she was my bodyguard and shot the guy a freezing look.
"Oh my gosh, Lisa! Hi!" A girl's voice rang through the waiting room. We both turned at the same time.
She was sitting behind us, taking earbuds out of her ears. Curly blond hair spilled from under a crocheted hat, and big green eyes beamed up at Lisa. A few freckles spattered her cheeks.
"Hey, Diana. How are you?" Lisa's voice was gentler than I'd ever heard it. Her face, too, like she was softening it on purpose. I watched, fascinated. Her smile was friendly, but her hand tightened on my waist.
"I'm good!" she exclaimed. Even with her red nose and hoarse voice, she was adorable. "I mean, I'm sick, obviously, I'm here, but everything's going well." She started to get up. "I'd give you a hug, but I don't want you to catch anything. I've missed those, though. You give the best hugs. Doesn't she?" she added to me, like we were old friends.
A hug, she'd said. The best hugs. Clearly, I was delirious.
"It's okay, Diana," Lisa said reassuringly. God, she sounded so nice. "You don't have to get up."
"How are you? I've barely seen you since you got back from Rome. Senior year's flying by."
"It sure is."
"How are Nick and Eddie?"
"They're themselves." Lisa smiled at her. She gripped my waist.
Diana laughed. Everything about her broadcasted cute, down to the way she wrinkled her nose at us. "Oh my God, Nick must be getting ready to graduate from high school. I can't believe it! Tell them hi for me. Did you get that internship you wanted?"
"Yep. And you?"
"Everything's great. I have a job lined up at a newspaper after graduation." She reached up to squeeze Lisa's hand. The move wasn't flirty; she seemed like the kind of girl who was touchy and huggy with everyone. "We have so much to talk about! Why haven't I seen you around? We should get coffee."
"Of course. We'll catch up soon. I need to get Jennie here taken care of."
"I'm so sorry." She blinked at me, mortified. "You look really under the weather. I'm Diana. It's nice to meet you, even like this."
That name sounded familiar.
A screen flashed in front of my eyes — the online edition of our school paper The Lighthouse. Lisa is spending her junior year in Italy, where she'll study economics at the University of Rome. Stone buildings wavered in my vision, and gorgeous marble statues frolicked around a fountain.
I was hallucinating. I'd spent too much time online staring at pictures of Rome, trying to put the pieces together. I clutched Lisa's arm.
"Diana?" I blurted. "As in Diana Silvers?"
"That's me." Her expression changed, puzzled. Lisa's eyes bored into me from the side. "Do we know each other?"
"No. No, I just, uh… I've seen your articles in The Lighthouse. I'm a really big fan. Nice to meet you too," I began, and dissolved into a fit of coughing in a fancy gray sweater sleeve.
I swayed on my feet. Lisa grabbed me.
"Time to sit down, Jennie." Her deep voice filled my head. "Nice and easy, take it slow—"
A nurse came briskly into the waiting room. "Diana Silvers?"
"She can go first." Diana waved urgently at me as I tottered. "I think she needs it more."
The nurse did a once-over, nodded, and motioned to me to follow her.
"It's okay," I began, but Lisa interrupted.
"Thanks, Diana. Really good to run into you. Feel better soon."
Her smile glowed. "I'll text you about coffee."
"Can you walk down the hall?" the nurse asked me.
"Yes." Mind over matter.
The nurse sized up Lisa in one glance. "You stay here," she ordered her. "You can see her afterward."
I hid a smile as Lisa let go of my waist and settled into a chair near Diana. Nice to see someone bossing her around for a change.
But the pieces didn't fit here.
Diana was so happy to see her. Lisa obviously was a different person around her — a much nicer person. Yet I could tell, from the set of her shoulders and the way she eased herself into her seat, that she didn't want to talk with Diana any longer. Little details that I doubted Diana would catch. I only noticed because I'd become so fucking tuned in to Lisa's body language.
I shuffled after the nurse to an examination room and slumped on the table. After I told her my symptoms and had my temperature taken, she informed me that I was dehydrated and needed rest.
"I don't think you're sick, but you're overexhausted. You have to replenish your fluids. I'm going to bring you a sandwich and a drink, and you're not leaving until you've finished all of it," she announced. "Any allergies?"
"No," I mumbled. "Thank you."
In a few minutes, the nurse returned with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a plate, and — Jesus — like half a gallon of apple juice. She set everything on the counter and said, "Do you want your girlfriend to come in?"
It took a minute for my slowed-down brain to translate girlfriend into Lisa. "She's still out there?"
"Of course she is." She gave me a strange look. "You'll need to her to drive you home. And I'm sure the most important thing to her is taking care of her sweetie."
"Sure, she can come in."
When she bustled out, I climbed slowly off the examination table. Body aching, I moved to one of the chairs by the counter. I bit into the sandwich. My appetite was coming back. I brushed crumbs off the dark wool of Lisa's sweater and cuffed the sleeves so they wouldn't drown my hands. Curling up in the chair, I slurped apple juice and made a face.
Lisa's heavy tread came through the doorway. She closed the door, pulled out the second chair, and sat down opposite me.
"How are you feeling?"
"So-so."
She glanced at my bare legs. They were covered with goosebumps. There was a lot of skin showing between my short red skirt and my white ankle socks. Rubbing her hands together, she put her palms on my thighs.
"So warm," I murmured. "Usually you're the one who's cold to the touch."
She moved her hands up and down my legs briskly. Chills shook my body, but I began to relax.
I coughed and tried another sip of juice. "How'd we look on the court?"
She grinned. "Perky. Until you toppled over, I enjoyed the show. You're a good cheerleader."
"You know it," I murmured. It felt so odd not to be comparing myself to Jisoo. To measure my performance only against what I could do. "But I really fucked up. I'm sure I'm off the squad now."
"Call your coaches tomorrow." She squeezed my thighs. "You fall down, you get back up. That's life."
I leaned back in the plastic chair, my legs easing apart as she rubbed warmth into my skin. It felt like trust. I munched my sandwich.
"Do you believe in second chances?"
Lisa lifted my legs into her lap. She dwarfed the chair. Any minute now, it was going to break. "Sometimes."
"I went back to cheerleading because of you. If you hadn't told me to show up in my uniform, and—" a knowing smirk spread over her face — "done what you did in your bedroom, I never would have tried to rejoin. Did you come to the game because of me?"
"Enough questions. Drink up." She tapped the apple juice on the counter. "The nurse told me we're not leaving until this is all gone."
"Thanks, Dad," I muttered.
"Are you trying to tell me something, Jennie? Because if it pushes the right buttons to call me Daddy, I'll go there."
"Don't frighten me." I took a sip of apple juice. Then I stretched out my arm and tipped the plastic jug over the sink.
A hand clamped my wrist before I could spill it out. "No."
"This is way too much. I'm switching to water."
"Drink your yummy apple juice."
"I don't want my yummy apple juice."
Lisa leaned back. A smile played over her lips. "You're a whiner."
"I'm really not." I drank some juice. "Believe me, when I was a kid, my parents cured me of that pretty fast. You know that thing parents do where they talk about you like you're not in the room?" My voice dropped to imitate my dad's booming baritone. "'Is Jennie saying something, Carla? I'm not sure.'" I went higher-pitched to match my mom's voice. "'If she is, Michael, then I can't understand her.'" Lisa looked at me blankly. "Okay, I guess you don't." She shook her head, mute. "And of course they always talked about how Jisoo had such a sunny attitude. Who're Nick and Eddie? Your little brothers?"
She cracked her knuckles. Reluctantly, she nodded.
According to Diana Silvers, Nick was about to graduate from high school. He'd be the older boy in the photo, the cocky one with a curled lip and a fuck-you expression. Eddie would be the slender, shy younger one who was hanging onto Lisa.
Something was wrong in Lisa's family, and it ran deeper than the pressure my parents put on me.
I wondered about the phone call that had interrupted us last night and caused her to drive off into the darkness.
"And who's Diana?" I asked quickly.
"You met her. You saw for yourself. What the hell was that about being a big fan of her articles?"
I flushed and bit off a mouthful of peanut butter and jelly. "Just making nice. Everyone needs a groupie."
"No, they don't."
"Oh, come on. You don't want a cute girl who thinks the sun rises and sets on your ass? I thought that's what you're…" I lowered my voice, though it was already raspy. "Paying me for."
Setting my empty plate on the counter, I looked around for the tissues. Lisa handed me a box, her expression cool again. I stared into her frosty eyes.
"I meant, who is Diana to you? She knew you."
She twisted a lock of my hair around her finger and gave it a tug. As crappy as I felt, the sensation rolled through my body. "She used to know me."
"She seemed really sweet."
"She is. She's a very nice girl."
"When did you stop being into nice?" Silence. "She's your ex, isn't she? I can tell these things." Lisa regarded me, then turned her attention to my hair, threading her fingers through the waves. I bent my head to let her untie the red bow. The ribbon dropped in my lap. "What happened in Rome?" Dammit, her silence was going to drive me over the edge. I leaned forward, my sandwich finished, and grasped her knees. My hair fell around my face. "Did a switch flip while you were there? Or did you always secretly want things 'your way?' Did you and Diana make the sweetest, cutest, tenderest love while you fantasized about pushing her face in the mattress and making her cry?"
Lisa's brown eyes turned molten. I'd hit a nerve. She wrapped my hair around her hand and squeezed. It felt good. Too good.
"What was that the nurse said about saving your strength?"
"Why don't you tell me."
"She said to keep an eye on you. I think you should give it a rest." Her voice was soft, but it definitely wasn't gentle like it had been with Diana.
"Make me."
Her eyes flickered, and she let go of my hair. "You better be all recovered by Monday night, because I'm going to put you through hell."
I took a big noisy slurp of apple juice to hide the dizzying throb through my body that had nothing to do with being weak.
There was a brisk knock on the door. The nurse strode in and beamed at us. What a sweet couple.
"You're drinking! Good girl. Thanks for keeping her on track," she added to Lisa.
"I try," Lisa said modestly.
"Just a little more to go." She nodded toward the juice. I poured the rest in my cup and resigned myself to finishing it. "Are you taking any medications? Or are there any substances in your system right now? I need to ask," she added, with an apologetic look.
One simple question, and I suddenly felt exposed. Vulnerable under the fluorescent lights, with my hair undone and my legs in Lisa's lap.
It would be easy to lie. I was so sick of lying.
"Just Adderall," I muttered. "I took some before the game."
"Do you have a prescription?"
Silence hung in the room.
"No."
"How much did you take?"
"A couple."
She blinked. "Two?"
"Two, three, I don't know. I just grabbed them." I couldn't look at Lisa.
"That's dangerous." Her face was compassionate, but her voice was sharp. "It's a mild overdose, but that explains the headache and nausea along with your dehydration." She turned to Lisa, as if it was any of her business. "Did you know about this?"
"No." Her voice was chilly. "But I wondered."
At the front desk, I paid with a check. I thanked the nurse and promised her I'd rest. Diana was gone, and so was the guy who'd tried to show us the video. The tension between me and Lisa was silent. Sliceable. You could serve a wedge on a plate and call it dessert.
She opened the door and took my arm. Outside, a light drizzle was falling. Droplets beaded my hair and collected on her pale forehead. Crumpling the pamphlet on addiction the nurse had given me, I threw it in the trash.
When Lisa unlocked the passenger door, I broke the silence. "It's not a big deal about the pills. I have it under control. I just made a mistake today, that's all."
"Do you have ADD?"
"Everyone has ADD!" I buckled my seatbelt. "We live in an ADD culture."
"I don't." She reached in back for her leather jacket and started the car.
I leaned my hot face against the cool glass of the window. Rain-soaked pavement streaked past. "What do you mean, you 'wondered?'"
She turned back onto Campus Drive. In the fogged distance, a line of headlights marked the path from the stadium. The game was over.
"I've seen how you are sometimes when you come to me. You can't calm down until I put my hands on you. The more wound up you are, the harder you need it."
I turned away to clear my throat. "Yeah, you're better than a sleeping pill. I can always count on a snooze when I come to your room."
A grin sneaked across her face. It disappeared too soon.
The chills were back, and my fever was probably spiking. Steadying myself, I gave her directions to my apartment. Silence descended again. I didn't put my head on her shoulder.
In front of my place, the curb gleamed with rain. Above us shone my second-story window, outlined with twinkle lights. Lisa got out, opened my door, and helped me up the slippery steps. I shivered in her oversized sweater.
We stood in the hall outside my apartment. On the ground floor, a door banged. Unexpectedly, she touched my cheek. I couldn't take saying goodbye like this.
"Do you want to come in?" I asked.
The tic in her eye was back: a twitch of the lid. "And do what?"
"Tuck me in. Read me a bedtime story. Talk."
Lisa exhaled and crossed her arms over her chest. Drops of rain dotted her black leather jacket, smooth and understated. One sleeve pulled back, showing her bare wrist where her watch had been. I wanted to taste that skin. The overhead bulb flickered above her face.
"Jennie, even though the nice nurse said so, I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not here for that shit."
Oh, she could say that, but if she really wanted to leave, she'd already be gone.
I crossed my arms, matching her pose. "I don't know what shit you're talking about," I said coolly, ignoring a surge of dizziness. "You don't want to tuck me in, fine. But you did something nice for me tonight, and I'm inviting you in to say thank you like a civilized person. I baked cookies yesterday. I promise they're good, because in case you haven't heard, I'm Cookie Girl."
"I don't want a cookie." Her voice dropped to the soft tones that made it hard to think. "I want you to get in bed. Now."
"You can have both." My own voice was a rasp, but there was that breathy little plea I couldn't control with Lisa. My hand trembled as I got out my keys. This was happening. I was inviting her into my home. "Are you coming in?"