JENNIE
My dark hallway faced us. Lisa rolled back her shoulders. Restlessness surged through her body — an animal, facing a cage.
Startled, I touched her shoulder. "It's just my apartment. It doesn't bite."
Her hand swallowed mine and she led me inside, her mantle of confidence back. "Let's get you to bed."
I didn't bother to flick on the hall light. I was comfortable in the dark now, at least at home, and I had a feeling Lisa would prefer it.
"Sana?" I called as we passed through. No response. "My roommate's never home," I confided in Lisa as I opened my door by feel. The twinkle lights winked at us from the window. "Supposedly she has a boyfriend, but I don't think he exists."
Taking a cue from my trips to her bedroom, I left the overhead light off, so the room was bathed in a dim glow. Sana's cat jumped off my bed and darted between us, giving Lisa a baleful look on her way out.
She paused in the doorway. As she eyed my unmade bed, full-size, pushed against the wall, with rumpled purple sheets, nerves tightened my stomach. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to have Lisa in my room. But she'd been here, invading my mind, since November.
"Do you want the window open?" I asked. Her gaze cut to me sharply. "You always have yours cracked when I come over."
She let out a breath. "You're sick. I don't want you to freeze."
"It's not a big deal. And I'm not sick, just tired."
"Jennie, I expect you to be completely recovered by Monday night and I don't want anything getting in the way of that."
Nice to know she cared so deeply about my well-being for its own sake.
Slipping off her sweater, I draped it over my swivel chair and wriggled out of my cheerleading shell, pitching the red and white fabric into the laundry hamper. When I took off my black sports bra, Lisa ignored the curves of my breasts in the faint light, turning instead to study the photos above my bed.
Jisoo at the bridal store in a shimmering gown, me next to her in yoga pants and an off-the-shoulder sweatshirt. My extended family at Christmas in matching red tops. A visit to Mexico seven years ago to see my dad's grandmother before she died. Rosé and me posing in bikinis, holding margaritas, on spring break.
Dizzy, I grabbed the dresser. "Can you help me finish changing?"
Thumbs hooked into my panties and peeled them off. They fell down my legs. I was naked, but the only move Lisa made was to steady me. I leaned against her body as I stepped into fresh underwear and got a pair of candy-cane-printed pajamas out of my dresser.
"Haven't seen this before." She ran a finger along the collar of my pajama top. "Someone likes sugar."
I pulled on rainbow fuzzy socks and stepped into the fleecy bottoms. All I cared about was getting warm. "I never bring PJs to your room."
She helped me, her touch gentle. I felt like I was in the twilight zone.
When we finished buttoning my top, her head turned, and she stiffened abruptly. Then she walked with measured steps to my desk.
"What?" I began. "…Oh."
I'd been in a hurry this morning. Below the sketch Lisa had made of me, which I'd pinned above my desk, an avalanche of pills spilled onto my laptop. My middle drawer was turned upside down. Candy littered the floor, along with pens, pencils, and the cocktail napkin Lisa had pressed into my hand in November.
Little lies.
With the twinkle lights the only illumination, my desk was almost in the dark. Almost.
"I know," I tried to joke. "It looks like I broke into my own room."
She folded her powerful arms over her chest. She hadn't taken off her leather jacket, giving the impression that she was about to flee any second.
One step at a time, still lightheaded, I crossed the room to stand in front of her. "Don't judge me. I have a lot on my plate. Sometimes I need a boost."
In the dim golden light, her pupils almost swallowed the pale rings of her eyes. "Why do you have to do so much?"
"Because," I said helplessly. "I want freedom. I'm trying to save for the first time in my life. I want to cover my rent next year. I want a good internship this summer, I want to get decent grades, I want to contribute to my sister's wedding. I just…want to feel in control. Okay?" I blew out a breath. "I'm not addicted. I can —"
"…Stop anytime," she finished with me.
"You don't get it, sobriety girl."
"No, Jennie. I do." She touched my face, the tips of her fingers on my cheek. "You feel like you're better with it and not good enough without it. You think you can give it up whenever you want. But why would you? Why would you give up something that's there when you need it, something you can count on, maybe the only thing, when you think there's no one and nothing else? Is that how it feels?"
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.
"You don't need it, Jennie." Her voice sounded hoarse. Like I was moving through water, I lifted my hands and cupped her face.
She cleared her throat. "You still want a bedtime story?" Her tone was back to normal — almost.
I dropped my hands and stepped back. Shrugging off her jacket, she tossed it on my chair with her sweater.
"Here." I went to my shelves, found the book I wanted, and handed it to Lisa. She leafed through it while I sat on the bed, stripping off my false eyelashes and wiping away the makeup from the game.
"So that's what you look like." She cocked an eyebrow at me over the book. At least the lights were low. She'd never seen me bare-faced. I looked younger and softer, my cheeks rounder without the benefit of bronzer. At her place, I slept in mascara and lipstick and dealt with my skin when I got home each morning.
"I guess." I scrubbed at our school logo below my eye. "I feel more like myself with makeup on."
She grinned. "You're cute either way."
"Oh? I thought I was beautiful. Didn't you make me say that in your bed a few weeks ago?"
"You are."
Our gaze caught. I looked away first.
As she pulled my desk chair over to the bed, I curled up under the blankets, a fresh wave of pain making my head throb. "What are you doing so far away?"
She let out a sound — half sigh, half laugh — and sat down on the bed.
"Closer," I whispered.
She kicked off her shoes and unzipped her jeans. Involuntarily, I tensed. That scrape of Lisa's zipper, quick and deliberate, meant one thing: rough sex. Humiliating sex. Sex that peeled my layers and split me open.
But she simply lifted the blankets and lay down next to me in her T-shirt and boxers. God, she was warm. Huge and warm and hard without a trace of frost. I rolled onto my side to face the wall with the photos and scooted against her so my back fit her chest.
"Lisa?" I cursed the breathy little voice that came out of me. Call it an automatic response to being in bed with her.
"What is it, baby?" She traced my jaw.
"I'm afraid I won't wake up in the morning."
Her arm tightened around me. "Why would you think that?"
"I know it's silly." I stared at the photos gleaming on the wall. "I just do."
"Do you want me to take you back to Health Services?"
"No, I don't want to drink more apple juice."
Her laugh rumbled against my back. "Do you want me to stay over?"
"Yes," I whispered. "Please."
"Take care of yourself," she said quietly. "I want you to get better."
In the faint light, our two bodies cast a humped shadow on the wall. I lifted my hands to make a shadow puppet of a bunny. A big wolf appeared and snapped its jaws.
"Don't eat me!" the bunny squeaked. The wolf closed around it, gobbling. "Hey!"
"I'm not eating you." Her voice was teasing. "I just want a taste."
"Okay," I said, breathless. "You can have a taste."
The wolf wandered down my arm and nibbled on my elbow. "Mmmmm. Delicious. But you know my favorite thing to eat? A sweet little girl."
The last thing I'd expected was to get turned on tonight. Lisa's touch was more playful than sexy. But my skin throbbed, warm under her fingers. The bunny hopped back to its home.
"Want to hear a story?" I asked.
"Go ahead." She sounded so relaxed behind me. I stretched my foot back to twine with her.
"Once upon a time," I began, "I was a freshman in high school and Jisoo was a senior."
"Are you gunning for another spanking?" Lisa asked lazily. "Bringing up your family issues? Because I'm not going to give you one tonight."
"Hush. Just listen."
Her silence encouraged me to go on.
"The year had its ups, and it had its downs. I heard about my sister from all my teachers. Her face was everywhere. The entire football team thought it was okay to mess up my hair when they passed me in the hall. Guys tried to use me to get to my sister. People I didn't even know called me 'Little Jisoo.'" I sighed. "My friends thought I was lucky. They were always asking me to get us invited to parties and get an in to seniors they had crushes on. But all I wanted was to be Jennie."
A heavy arm wrapped around me. It was cozy in bed together. Me in my fleece pajamas, Lisa in her T-shirt and boxers. Always, in her room, we were naked between the sheets.
"You know how high school is," I continued. "People change. Everyone's figuring out who they are."
"Mmm," she said behind me.
"Who were you in high school?"
She toyed with the drawstring on my pajama bottoms. "A nice guy."
Her chest was warm against my back. My chills were subsiding, and I was too relaxed to turn over and catch her expression. The bitterness in her voice came as a surprise.
"Always? You were nice all the time?"
"No." She didn't offer more.
"Well," I said quickly, "I was always either trying to be my sister, or rebelling against being my sister. It was always about her.
"In the spring, Jisoo surprised everyone by trying out for the school musical. She was already head cheerleader and an amazing dancer. She won a frickin' piano competition when she was fifteen because she needed something to do with her spare time. And I'm not even telling you about her volunteering and her job and church and her boyfriends and all the rest. But I guess it wasn't enough to sing into her hairbrush at home; she needed to win at something else."
"You really are trying for a spanking, girl," Lisa drawled. "I don't want to hear about your damn sister."
"Didn't you tell me you had a lot of patience? Just wait. The musical was Into The Woods. You know it? All these fairy tales mashed together, but then everything goes to hell. My sister was Cinderella. So I was sitting in the front row with my parents on opening night, and the Big Bad Wolf prowled onto the stage. I—"
"Go on." I heard Lisa's broad grin.
"He was totally over-the-top," I murmured. "But something clicked. I was fifteen, I'd had boyfriends, everything was cute and nice. I was so used to comparing myself with Jisoo, wondering if guys would ever worship me the way they worshiped her. But that wolf had nothing to do with my sister. In my head, he was all mine. When Little Red Riding Hood was rescued and sang "Nice is different than good," I took out my phone and texted that to myself so I could remember it. Of course my parents freaked out that I used my phone during the show. And that night, in my bed…" I broke off, hot with more than fever.
"Tell me."
"I thought about wandering backstage and getting lost in the dark. Suddenly a strong arm grabbed me. And— ugh, no, I can't tell you."
"Seriously?" She pulled herself up behind me.
I turned to face her. "It's so cheesy."
"After all the ways we've fucked, you can't tell me your dirty daydream about the Big Bad Wolf?" When I growled, she tousled my hair with an indulgent smile. "Don't worry, babe, you won't give me the vapors. Tell me your little freshman fantasy. I bet it's totally vanilla. "
"Screw you." She was so obviously baiting me. I glared at Lisa, mashing the pillow around my head. "Fine. He grabbed me and pulled me close. I felt—"
Lisa nodded encouragingly. My voice dropped to a whisper.
"I felt hot breath on my neck. I knew it was just Damian Deocampo, the boy who played the wolf. In real life, he was the sweetest, most polite guy. But backstage, he wasn't. He was the wolf. He dragged me into his hideaway of ropes and curtains. He tore off my clothes and ripped them to shreds with his sharp teeth, so I could never put them back on. He pounced on me and stared at my naked body, and I saw in his eyes how hungry he was. He licked me all over with his rough tongue, telling me how delicious I tasted and asking if I was scared. I told him yes, but I was also so turned on. And he licked me 'til I came," I whispered. "Before I could do anything, he was inside me. Telling me he'd never had such a tasty morsel before and he was going to keep me with him always. I was even more scared, but I was so excited…"
"That's very naughty, Jennie."
I flopped over to face the wall. A hand slipped under my pajama top to rub my tummy. "The next day I saw Damian in the hall, as smiley as ever. I told him he did a good job. He called me Little Jisoo and asked if my sister had a date to prom yet. The end."
"What a sad story. You never got to be ravished by the big bad wolf."
"Oh, shut up."
I was laughing. So was she. She drew lazy circles on my stomach, and my breath caught. "Were you a virgin?"
My hand brushed hers. I ran my fingers over the veins in her forearm. "Yeah. I was kind of hoping my first time would be like that. It wasn't, of course. It was soft and sweet and a little awkward."
"So was mine." She squeezed my hip.
It was so unlike Lisa to volunteer information about her past that I breathed more carefully, in case the confession turned to mist.
"I guess we both survived."
"Did you always fake it before this?" she murmured. I stiffened. "I'm not trying to be mean, babe. I'm just curious."
"Right. You're curious. Then I'll bare my soul to you and you'll use my truth against me the next time I visit your room. And I'll probably come while you're doing it."
She nuzzled my neck. "I promise I won't use anything you say in here against you."
"Okay." The words spilled out. "I didn't fake it at first, and I never meant to, but it was really hard for me to come with someone else — with anyone else. I just couldn't let go." I buried my face in the pillow. "I started — I started faking it with Kai. He kept pushing me to say how much I was into what he was doing. It was exhausting. I got tired. Finally, I gave up and pretended."
"Little shit," Lisa muttered.
"I don't like running into him."
"Of course you don't. He's a lizard."
"Supposedly we're friends." The photos on the wall smiled down on me. I'd stripped away all the pictures of Kai in December. "He doesn't feel like one. I can't avoid him. We're in Student Senate and we're both in the business school. His band had a show a few weeks ago and he wrote this stupid song about me, like it was a huge compliment, but it was actually — God, I can't lie. It was offensive."
"I know," Lisa said quietly. "I heard it."
"You were there? Why didn't you say something?"
She sighed. "Didn't seem like it was worth talking about."
I stiffened in Lisa's arms. "He keeps saying he cares about me. I don't understand why he's hanging on."
"Jennie, breathe. You're all wound up." The order went straight to my core. I sighed, my body loosening in Lisa's embrace. Her voice softened. "You don't have to pretend to be friends. That doesn't do anyone any fucking favors."
"I like to get along with people."
"At your own expense. Has your pet called to see how you're doing?"
"Lisa…"
"All I'm saying is, there's no law that you have to be friends. I'm not going to get coffee with Diana. We're not going to have a cute little catch-up session. There's no point."
"So she is your ex."
She teased my bellybutton, and I squirmed in her arms. "Sophomore year. And you were right on the money about the sex."
Her word choice made me wince. "Did you…ever try to tell her what you like?" She shook her head against mine. I curled up in her arms, my body pressed to her. "Did you fantasize about being mean in bed so you could get off? With girls, before—" Italy, I didn't finish.
"Mostly." Her voice was so matter-of-fact. Distant, like all those experiences were long in the past and didn't count anymore.
"Your turn to tell me a story."
Her lips grazed my ear. "I thought I was going to read to you."
"I want a story too."
"You really are a brat, Jennie. You're a greedy girl."
"Mm-hm. That's me."
"Once upon a time," she began softly, "There was a big, bad, hungry wolf. She lived all alone in the forest, and there was a particular little girl she wanted to capture."
My stomach fluttered. The throbbing grew stronger.
"Why did the wolf live alone?" I asked.
"You're interrupting."
"I thought she lived with all her wolf fraternity brothers."
Lisa snorted. "Okay, there were packs of wolves that ran in the forest. At one time, the big bad wolf was part of a pack. But she lost touch. She took a different path, and when she came back, all the packs looked the same. And she didn't belong to any of them."
"Oh." I touched the inside of Lisa's wrist. There was so much behind those words. "What about the big bad wolf's family?"
"She checked in with them now and then. But mostly, she was alone." A hot tongue licked my neck. "And she built up quite an appetite. She was starving for the tender young girl who came skipping through the forest one day. A girl who pretended. A girl who was desperate."
I moaned softly.
"As soon as the wolf saw her, she was seized with the desire to take her. To fuck her. To bring the girl back to her lair."
She traced patterns over my stomach. When her hand brushed my breast, I held absolutely still. The lightest touch teased my nipple, and I bit my lip to keep from screaming.
"And when the girl saw the big bad wolf, she forgot how to play games." Herr voice soaked into me. "She needed a kiss, even if she devoured her whole. As soon as their lips touched, they both knew the girl was hers."
She was weaving a spell. But instead of arguing, I panted, "Yes. Yes, she was."
A heavy bulge brushed my ass. Before I could nestle against Lisa's erection, she moved away. Her hand left my stomach.
"Where'd you go?" I scooted back, trying to spoon with her.
"It's not one of our nights."
My clock ticked. Outside, someone yelled Fuuuuuck! Car tires swished through puddles.
"It can be," I said very softly.
"No."
"Because I'm under the weather? I feel better now."
"No, Jennie. Because we're not in my room. Remember? My room, my way. My money. Those are the rules. We're not doing anything in your apartment."
I twisted to look over my shoulder at her. Her pale eyes were half-closed. Her arm rested behind her head.
"Is this a game?"
"No."
"You were teasing me," I protested. "Spinning that story and feeling me up. That wasn't fair. You were totally leading up to sex."
"You're right." Regret crossed her face. "I was playing with you. I got carried away. My mistake."
"My mistake? That's all you have to say? Is that like the discount version of 'I'm sorry?'"
She buried her big hand in my hair. I sighed, easing onto my other side to face her fully. I was putty once she started pulling my hair, and she knew it. Her free hand found the spot on my neck that always relaxed me, and she massaged it in circles. She was really pulling out all the stops.
"Get better by Monday night and I'll finish the story."
Always a transaction with Lisa. Always a trade, when it came to sex. But her presence here in my room — that wasn't a trade. She was giving it freely.
"Fine. Just tell me how the big bad wolf lost her way."
She rolled back a little ways to look at me. "She didn't lose her way. She knew exactly where she was headed. She just didn't know where it would end."
On an impulse, I leaned in to kiss her cheek. She said nothing, twining a piece of my hair around her finger. When I turned my back to spoon with her, she stroked my neck, and a spurt of pleasure surged through me.
My room, my way. I wondered if I could test that.
Her hand rested on my stomach under my pajama top, her fraternity ring cold against my fevered skin. My hand joined her to play with the metal circle.
"Say something to me in Italian."
She laughed. "Mi esasperate."
"What does that mean?"
"You exasperate me."
I turned to face her. Slipping a hand up her white T-shirt, I ran my nails over her bare back and cupped her cock through her boxers. The warm length, hard and hungry, jerked in my grasp.
Immediately, my hands were pinned against my pillow. I tried to move my wrists and couldn't.
"Jennie." Her voice was a warning. "You want me to stay the night? Stop."
"Oh, really." I arched toward her, stroking her calf with my foot, and tugged my wrists. Her iron grip was painfully delicious. "Is that what you want? Don't you want to take me like this, in my bed, so I remember it every time I'm here?"
Her nostrils flared. It was like a switch had been thrown. Lust smoked in her eyes, clouding the brown.
"No. You're sick."
"Please, Lisa." Jesus, my legs were spreading, inviting her in. I was trying to seduce her in my own room. "Make me better."
She closed her eyes, her huge body tensing above mine. When they opened, I stared into dark. Her fingers dug into my wrists.
"Don't try my patience again."
"But—"
"Be a good girl tonight and I'll reward you on Monday. If you displease me, you'll regret it, Jennie. You'll be very sorry."
"How sorry?" I pushed.
She smiled coldly. "Let's just say I can be a lot meaner than you've seen. You know I won't hesitate to make you cry. That would only be the beginning. You think you'd like it, but you won't."
"Would you really want to be that mean to me?"
Her eyes narrowed. "If you're asking whether it would get me hard, the answer's yes. I like you embarrassed."
That wasn't what I was asking, and we both knew it.
Slowly, I nodded. "I'll be good."
She released my wrists. "That's my girl."
Liar, I wanted to say. I'm not yours.
Standing, she paced a circle around my room, her chest rising and falling. She paused by her jeans like she was considering putting them on.
"The bathroom's down the hall if you want a cold shower," I said helpfully.
She stopped at the bed and touched the tip of my nose. "Don't look so disappointed. Believe me, it's better this way."
I pulled the covers up to my neck. "Why do you need so much control?"
She turned away, surveying the mess on my desk. "Don't ask me that."
Rain spattered my window, glistening in the frame of the twinkle lights. Lisa leaned over me to retrieve the book from its spot on the blankets. I told her which chapter and page number I wanted her to read.
"That's very specific."
"I've read it a few times."
When she lay down beside me, I rested my head on her chest, listening to the deep rumble of her voice. The rhythm was soothing; the words tumbled over us both. Once she finished the chapter, I reached over to my bedside table and turned off the lamp.
I lay awake in the darkness, my body molded to her. From her breathing, I knew she was awake too.
I opened my eyes to bright sunlight. I lay in bed alone, the blankets wrapped around me. Through my window, the air sparkled, washed clean with rain. The clock on my desk said noon.
My desk had been tidied. The pills were untouched, but the middle drawer was back in place and the floor was clean. I must have been sleeping like a rock, to not be woken by the crinkle of plastic as Lisa put my stash of candy away. I tried to summon some annoyance that she'd touched my stuff, but mostly, I felt grateful.
I climbed out of bed, bracing myself on the desk for a head rush. A fresh glass of water sat by my clock.
Next to the glass sat a neon pink Post-it marked with Lisa's precise handwriting. Had to go. Rest up. I want you all better by Monday night.
I dropped the note on my desk and gulped down the water. Then I checked my phone, blinking at the number of texts. I'd worried about letting the squad down, but it turned out they'd been worried about me. Almost all the girls had texted "Get well soon!" messages.
No way was I looking up the video. But apparently everyone I knew had seen or heard about the fall. I scrolled through the other texts.
Can I do anything?
What happened??? That was Lisa who carried you out, right? Give us details!!!
Hope you're okay. My turn to bring YOU cookies.
Kai wrote, You okay, sweetie? I'm worried about you. That one, I deleted.
The one person I didn't hear from was Rosé.
Pulling my messy hair into a ponytail, I padded down the hall, listening to determine whether my roommate was home.
In the fall, I'd driven Sana nuts with my noise. Doors banging, music blaring, having friends over and turning up the TV. Sana, on the other hand, drifted around the apartment like a ghost. I'd turn around in the kitchen and there she was. It scared the bejeezus out of me.
Sure enough, Sana was sitting at the kitchen table, laptop open and books spread out.
"Some guy was here," she announced. "She was poking around."
"Lisa?"
"Maybe. I wasn't really paying attention." She flipped a page. "She seemed nice."
"She did?" The only thing weirder than Lisa seeming nice was Sana being the person to say it.
She dragged her eyes up from her book and gave me a funny look.
"Well, yeah. Insofar as she said hello and didn't bother me after that. She also did the dishes."
"What?" The kitchen was totally clean, with no stray dishes to be seen. My head was spinning. "Those dishes were yours. You let her think they were mine?"
She shrugged. "Look, she turned on the faucet and asked if I minded. What was I going to say, no? I'm not turning down free labor. Are you sick? You look sick."
"Yeah. I'm getting better." Thank God Sana hadn't heard about the fiasco at last night's game. Athletics weren't her thing.
"I saw some video of you falling down at the basketball game yesterday."
I groaned and opened the fridge.
Inside, on my end of the top shelf, stood a bottle of fresh-squeezed orange juice that had definitely not been there before. Next to the orange juice was a container of strawberries. A box of banana nut muffins sat on the counter by the paper towels.
"'I'm not your girlfriend, Jennie, I'm not here for that shit,'" I mimicked under my breath. I leaned on the fridge door, giddy, like in the bridal shop. I giggled at the orange juice.
Sana gave me another odd look. "Maybe you should lie down."