What if he eased his curiosity just a little?

It's a thought that begins to haunt him. He hates this whole feelings thing, even the word making him grimace, but whatever the case he definitely has something there for Nagisa that's not just platonic or pure attraction. And he knows Nagisa well enough to conclude he's never going to be okay with going on like this forever. So logically, he really should just ask him out.

The only problem with that is he doesn't actually like the idea of a squared relationship. Whether much would change or not on the surface, there's still expectations. He's learnt the hard way, as it is, it's just really not for him. Besides, it's not like dating has ever been a top priority anyway. If he'd done it the past, they'd probably have just ended up holding him back.

Though… if sex with Nagisa doesn't feel like normal sex, then maybe dating him would also be different?

When did he turn into a thirteen year old girl?!

"You're an idiot," his neighbour says, having invited him for a cup of tea after he helped her deconstruct a shelf one chilly Sunday morning.

Karma almost feels like he shouldn't comment, like his words can and will be used against him in a court of law. "It's fine."

Hisaishi san taps her cup. "Friends don't mope over friends, Karma kun. You act like I haven't seen it all. I know what falling in love with your hook-up looks like, to a t."

She's incredibly lucky he has certain morals about yelling at old ladies.

"Quit psychoanalysing me like I'm one of your clients."

"Then, where else will you hear it?" Her lips press into a tight smile. "You weren't even like this with Se-"

"Don't," he cuts her off sharply this time, actually meaning it this time.

She sighs. "Ah, still a sore subject."

He'd agreed it with himself, back then. Anything that included romance, i.e the development of feelings, and therefore dependence on another person, was done. Signed off. He was better off living a life without worrying about it. It's not like he's needed it up until now, anyway. It's pathetic, and weak, and there are more important things to worry about.

Karma doesn't like the person he used to be.

And honestly? Maybe he deserves a pat on the back or something for admitting that. Call it self growth, or whatever. It's important to be able to recognise and work on his own flaws, it's just that his own flaws happen to be falling apart at the seams in the face of romantic situations. Those, it turns out, are simple enough to avoid.

If there's one thing he hates, it's being needy. Dependant. Weird anxiety about the way someone could see him. He hates that person. Hates him so much that… partially he doesn't even blame Sergei for not being into it. Of course, he's never truly lost himself, and before all else Sergei was an asshole. And it's definitely not Karma's fault.

But he wonders sometimes, if he'd been able to play it cool a little more… If he hadn't needed things…

It doesn't actually matter, though. Screw him anyway. In fact, Karma kind of wishes he were here, if only to see how much Nagisa's presence would actually tick him off. Not that Nagisa's anything like him, and certainly not a replacement. Not someone he's dating. Karma's probably the last person someone like Nagisa would want to date.

"Listen," Hisaishi san says, "nothing is impossible to a willing heart."

"What, did you get bored in retirement and start writing fortune cookie lines or something?"

She just laughs, and he considers that it might actually be true.

Karma makes a deal with himself, after that. He needs proof, that this wouldn't actually work outside of sleeping together. He'll give in to whatever urge this is at least, and then at least he won't just be speculating. He even has the perfect excuse for it, anyway.

So, he asks Nagisa out on a date. Not dating. Just. A date. Singular.

Easier said than done, though. Dates aren't really his kind of thing. Usually, he just meets someone when they're out already, or else nobody's bothering with the pretence of not just hooking up. He's definitely never been the one taking someone out explicitly like this before. So Karma actually doesn't know where to start.

His first thought is dinner, obviously. But anywhere 'date worthy' he can think of is probably way too fancy for Nagisa's tastes, and it would probably make him the unentertaining kind of uncomfortable. Somewhere more casual… well that wouldn't feel like much of a date. They used to go out and eat together all the time before they got their own apartments.

Eventually, he figures it's probably the best chance he's going to get to have a bit of fun. It's not like he has to make a good impression here. He narrows it down to a few things, between obvious stereotypes and things he just thinks could be fun. It's still a pretty long list, though… Well, different situations can bring out different sides of people, so maybe doing all of it works. Then he'll really know for sure.

Except, he doesn't end up proving much at all.

He enjoys pretty much every second of it. And it's not like it's just because he enjoys hanging out with Nagisa anyway. He ensured what they were doing was completely outside of anything that could be considered 'friendly'. Even holding his hand feels amazing. Maybe it's even better than holding his dick. He's not sure where that falls on the friendliness scale.

Is taking him on every date he can possibly think of all at once a little much? Maybe.

"You know, it actually is a pretty decent date thing," he says aloud as they get in line for a rollercoaster. "You get to have fun, but the queue is like forced conversation."

Nagisa's hand squeezes his. "T-that's a good point, actually."

It takes Karma a moment to realise he actually verbalised his thoughts. He's hardly a theme park patron. But it is one of the most classic dates ever, and this is probably his only chance to see why. Plus… he kind of wants to see Nagisa freak out. Just a little. And then buy the photo afterwards. The queue for Tokyo Dome City's one rollercoaster seemed like an annoyance at first, but now…

"Plus, they might get scared and grab your hand." He doesn't mention that they're literally already doing that.

"What is it with you and scaring people?"

"Though," he continues, "I guess it's kind of difficult when you know someone so well already."

Nagisa looks up at him, tilting his head curiously. "Oh?"

A sense of pride washes over him. "There's not a lot I have to find out about you."

There's not a lot he doesn't know about Nagisa. Mostly because Nagisa tends to talk a lot, rather than fall into silent lulls. Karma wonders if he's even aware of it sometimes. All in all, there's definitely worse things to listen to. If it was anyone else, Karma would find it irritating. Never with Nagisa though.

"Are you sure?"

That knocks him out of his train of thought. "Hm?"

Nagisa's face creases up. "There's probably a lot you don't know about me."

Why does he sound… annoyed? It's kind of funny, maybe. What's the big deal, if Karma knows a lot about him? It's not a bad thing. Is he trying to be mysterious or something? Karma can't think of many gaps in his knowledge when it comes to Nagisa.

Karma meets his challenge. "Oh yeah, like what?"

"Stuff," Nagisa says, sounding a little childish. Time to fight fire with fire.

"Let's play twenty questions."

"Huh? What would that do?"

"Prove that I can read your mind," he says casually.

"That's-"

Karma decides that's enough resistance. "C'mon Nagisa, think of something."

He wins, naturally. And it's kind of funny, to see the bewilderment and realisation cross Nagisa's face. Karma actually feels a bit of self-satisfaction. But this is all mind games. There are many other places Nagisa would surely beat him in. Nagisa clearly tries to save face, though, maintaining his protests. Karma can read it all over his face. He's just lucky the ride they're queuing for starts before he can continue teasing him. Teasing Nagisa never gets old.

All in all, this is a total failure in terms of proving this wouldn't work between them. Simply, Karma enjoys Nagisa's company too much. Even in explicitly date-coded activities, apparently. This hasn't eased his curiosity at all either. All he can think about is how readily he'd do this all again. It's probably the most fun he's had in a long time.

Nagisa's endlessly fascinating, wherever Karma takes him. He also can't help but enjoy how happily Nagisa follows along with him, without knowing where he's actually headed. Karma never understood what was so romantic about sunsets before, but Nagisa's eyes light up when they head out onto the viewing rooftop above Shibuya crossing, and he walks to the edge like a man possessed. Karma can't help but wonder why.

"Cool, isn't it?" He follows behind him, attempting to follow Nagisa's eyeline.

Nagisa's head bobs. "It makes me feel really small."

I'm sure there's a lot that makes you feel like that, he almost says, but holds his tongue. Karma's not sure why. It's such an open line to tease him with. In fact, it would probably make things better for him. It feels like a sincerity has washed over them. If Karma's not careful, it might just suffocate him. He can let Nagisa enjoy the view…

"I bet you can see Kunugigaoka from here," he gets out eventually.

It takes Nagisa a moment to respond. "I don't know. Maybe."

But now Karma's looking too. "I guess you could've when they put those barriers up and fired the laser."

He senses Nagisa tense up a little. "I guess we were kind of busy. But that would have been weird to see."

Too bad they were directly involved in it. "I wish that day hadn't been so depressing," he admits. "It was the first time everyone really worked together."

It had taken them a while, hadn't it? Before that, Karma preferred to do everything on his own. Why depend on someone else in a critical situation? That was like adding ten extra possible ways any plan could go wrong. But… he'd definitely been wrong with that. Some things just fit together, and that's far better than going at it alone. Especially with Nagisa. They flowed together without even needing words that night.

Nagisa turns over his shoulder suddenly, an expression on his face that Karma can't interpret.

"Huh? What's that look?"

A part of him registers how much his words has sounded like the start of a confession speech though. Maybe it's time to cut it out with the all the memories. Is that what Nagisa thinks is happening? Probably not. The way he's looking at him… it's not expectant. It almost looks like he wants to say something, but he's swallowing it down.

"I like it here."

Karma begins to smile, before he processes it. Too quickly, Nagisa turns back around and stares at the sun again. He hates the way his heart started to jump at the words 'I like'. Nagisa would never say something like that to him. Suddenly though, he's overwhelmed by a need to just be close to him. Like he wants to breathe him in.

So he embraces him with most of his weight.

"W-what-"

He decides there that the best thing is to swallow his feelings down as deep as they can go. Teasing it is then. "I'm appreciating the view. It's much better from your height."

It's almost like he can feel Nagisa heat up. "There's lots of people here…"

Says the person who gave him a blowjob in an izakaya bathroom… "It's not like I'm dry humping you."

"You better not!"

As if. Karma's not exactly sure what he meant to achieve by holding him like this, but he feels strangely reluctant to let go. It's not even like it's turning him on, feeling how nicely Nagisa fits into his arms. Instead… it's just warm. It feels good in a different kind of way. The only way he does eventually end up letting go is the eventual lack of sun to stare at.

Everything else, so far, they were different dates that would impress different people. Broadly speaking, Karma could put them into neat categories. Most of this stuff… he wouldn't choose to do with anyone normally. The One Piece tower, though? That's probably the most self-indulgent. Definitely not useful advice. Honestly, the only category he can put it into is 'a date he could only take Nagisa on'.

He doesn't regret it one bit, though. Even when Nagisa completely beats his ass at the sword simulation game. Sure, maybe it wounds his pride a little. Karma might be better about it nowadays, but he doesn't enjoy losing. If only Nagisa didn't look so downright hot doing it. Pretend weapon or otherwise, he handles the sword as gracefully as breathing. And Karma's melting just a little. Maybe next time he should take him to some kind of samurai re-enactment. Huh, next time? So maybe he loses because he's distracted. Or maybe Nagisa just is that good.

It can't last forever, though.

"So, this is a dinner date?"

Karma grins at first. Nagisa can act as annoyed as he wants to, he knows he's kind of liking the One Piece themed items. "It's way more interesting than anywhere else."

"I-I don't know what I expected," Nagisa seems to accept, "but it makes sense somehow. I can't imagine you taking someone to one of those really fancy places."

Right. Because this isn't about them. He's meant to be teaching Nagisa something. Karma would never take anyone else here if all he wanted was to get in their pants… but maybe it's partly true. He also wouldn't take someone to a fancy place either. A guy tried to impress him like that once… which yeah might have worked, but mostly because he wanted the dinner part to be over as quickly as possible, which probably wasn't the point.

"When it's just a hook up kind of thing I guess the whole romantic memory thing isn't too important."

Nagisa looks moderately afraid. "Please tell me you haven't taken someone here trying to hook up with them."

"You're the first," Karma finds his reaction funny at least, "don't worry about that." Only you Nagisa. "Although, there might have been a couple of McDonald's in the past." What? It's a convenient meeting location and the food there is better than what they serve in love hotels anyway.

"As a first date?"

Karma almost rolls his eyes. Obviously not. Honestly, he usually skipped any kind of pretence with this kind of thing anyway. "I don't do dating."

Weirdly enough, Nagisa's face falls. "What do you mean?"

He has to explain this? "I mean, they're all pretty much 'first dates', if they even happen." Though… Nagisa understands the definition of a one-night stand, surely. Maybe he's asking about the I part? "I'm not into the relationship thing."

Honestly this is the only 'date' he's ever wanted to repeat. And then it clicks for him. Karma's been pretty lax on the 'seduce someone so they want to sleep with you' part. He's just been having fun. But… that's not what he asked Nagisa out for. Nagisa was the one who had called it a date anyway. The entire point of this on the surface is that… Nagisa's meant to find someone else eventually. He's oblivious to the signs of someone trying to come onto him, Karma's been an eyewitness to that, so he's just trying to help him out.

Maybe Nagisa's doing this with him now, but Karma's pretty sure Nagisa's not about to start just sleeping around. It's something Karma learnt to pick up on years ago. Some people are clearly the relationship type. He usually avoided it. Better to just hook up with someone on the same page than deal with the drama of stringing someone along.

"N-not with anybody?"

Karma almost doesn't know what to say, something sinking deep in his stomach. Maybe Nagisa's some kind of mind reader. Because being with Nagisa… has started to feel terrifyingly okay. Maybe Nagisa's trying to seek that kind of confirmation. Maybe Karma's been too transparent with all of this today. It was always going to crash and burn at some point anyway. He wouldn't blame him. Nagisa never signed up to anything more than his lessons. So maybe he needs reassurance. And Karma needs to hold himself back. He's been in situations like this before, just on the other side of it.

He decides to play dumb. "You'd know about it if I'd ever dated someone, right?"

See! You have nothing to worry about. In other words.

"B-but," Nagisa looks really on edge, "you did though! You spent almost a whole year of university way too busy to hang out with me because you were always with that exchange student guy."

That's strange. Not the kind of response he would have expected. Actually, it catches him off guard. Why would Nagisa even bring him up? Maybe it's the closest to dating someone he's been? Admittedly, it's not like he spoke about guys with Nagisa any other time. Sergei had made it necessary though.

"We weren't a couple," he reassures. "Just hooking up for a while."

"But you seemed really-"

He doesn't want to have this conversation. "Nagisa-"

"Right." Nagisa stares at the table like wants to burn it. "I didn't mean to ramble."

Karma's mouth feels dry, even when he takes a swig of the beer. Maybe he's wrong… but was Nagisa bothered back then? He never said anything. It's not like Karma enjoyed blowing him off so much. Half the time, he'd have preferred to be playing dumb video games or whatever with him anyway. Nagisa was busy a lot of the time anyway before that. It had just felt like giving him some space.

Or was that just something Sergei said? Karma hates that he doesn't remember. 'Isn't it kind of sad that you're literally waiting by your phone for a reply?' He'd said that once, when he wanted to hang out with Nagisa. Nagisa had said he was too busy that time anyway. And for some reason Karma started listening more. After all, why even ask if he already knows it's going to be a 'no'. At least Sergei had a similar class schedule to him. It wasn't hard to be in the same place.

He's never told Nagisa any of that though. And Nagisa's never asked before.

"It was what it was. Like I said, I had a type. You know how hard it is to find anyone taller than me in Japan?" It's meant to be a joke, but it doesn't roll off his tongue that way. "Sergei was there. It was a thing. He went back to Russia. That's all. The whole boyfriend and feelings thing isn't for me."

It feels like a pretty large understatement. But… partially… he knows Nagisa too well. And yeah, a lot of the time he's impossible to read. But what he does know is that if he tells him the kind of details he's clearly pressing for, Nagisa will only end up freaking out and internalising it. This is something Nagisa's better off not knowing.

Karma had been distracted at the time, and Sergei had been taking forever in the shower. He'd dissociated a bit, and somehow he didn't notice him walk into his room. So yeah, he might have started to say Nagisa. He's used to Nagisa just popping out of places and making him jump, anyway. It didn't mean anything. Karma hadn't even finished the name but apparently that was enough.

Of course he knows now, in retrospect, Sergei didn't have much of a right to be that mad at him. He'd never said anything about it being an exclusive thing. Karma knew it wasn't, because he'd definitely had hickeys a few times. Neither of them said anything about it though. It shouldn't have mattered even if he was actually hooking up with Nagisa on the side. But somehow, Karma hadn't called him out on being weirdly touchy about him spending time with Nagisa back then.

Believe it or not, Karma doesn't enjoy fights. Especially having the same fight over and over. We're just friends, that's all we'll ever be. Karma lost track of how many times he said those words. Sometimes he just ended up lying, if he actually was texting Nagisa. That didn't go down well exactly. So whenever Sergei was around, he ended up erasing Nagisa's existence from his mind. It was easier that way. Maybe in return, he'd thought at the time, we'll finally admit whatever this is has crossed too many boundaries to count.

Did you hit your head on something? Where the fuck did this come from? Seriously Karmachka, it's not like you to be so stupid. I'm sorry, I guess, if I made you think different. That's your own fault, though. I mean come on, you're not surprised right? You're hardly dating material. We both know that. Now if you're done being needy, take your shirt off and come over here already.

Karma's never been more happy to see food in his life. It snaps him out of it, finally. Hard to be too caught up over the past when you have One Piece omurice anyway. And good. It's not like he has to see that guy again anyway. Honestly, Karma's crying out for something to distract him with.

"Woah," he says after taking a bite. "It's so good."

Nagisa doesn't respond much to him though, just tucking in. He almost feels like he's choking in the silence.

"Are you being quiet because it tastes good or?"

He almost looks a little guilty. "Yeah, s-sorry. I guess it's distracting."

Of course he loves omurice. "You've always had simple tastes though. I'll make you some of this, next time you come over."

Nagisa smiles weakly. "Yeah. I'm sure you'll make it even better."

He still has an unsettled feeling, but he presses on with it anyway. "I got top grades in Home Ec, you know."

"You got top grades in everything," Nagisa replies flatly.

And there he is. "Yeah, but this has nothing to do with being smart."

Nagisa appears to consider it. "You're pretty resourceful though."

"True." Karma finally feels like relaxing.

He clears his throat. "You haven't really shown me those yet, your date resources. At least not the, uh, leading on parts…"

Trying to get over the cute blush all across his face, Karma leans towards him. Any opportunity to bring out Nagisa's flirty side. Of course he takes it like a champ. And again later, when Nagisa literally shoves him down onto his bed. Karma loves this side of him. It's a whole other world apart from his shy virgin reactions.

How far can this even go?

Because all of a sudden, Nagisa's the one ruining him. Because apparently Nagisa gets off on pain. Apparently Nagisa now teases him and goads him into holding him at knife point by calling him 'sensei' in a tone of voice which should honestly be illegal. Nagisa can come without even being touched. The image of Nagisa dressed in lacy underwear he bought for him is never leaving his brain. Karma can't even believe he's seeing it in reality. Considering how often he sees Nagisa nowadays, it's a little ridiculous how many times he's jerked off to that memory.

That's all it is. Nagisa. Nagisa. Nagisa.

Karma never understood what addiction felt like before, but he thinks he gets it now. It's not like he's unaware of himself, that this has flown so hopelessly further than 'friends with benefits' for him. And the more he tries to stop thinking about him, the more he seems to haunt his every waking moment. Karma knows better. He knows it would be better to call a stop to this or seriously re-establish some boundaries. But every time, he thinks, just a little more. Just let me have him a little longer.

He doesn't miss that taking him on a Valentines day weekend trip is pushing it way too far. In his defence, he realised that pretty much immediately after taking the tickets in the first place, but apparently his fever dream self asked Nagisa anyway. And, well, he wasn't going to back down from it after that point. Especially since Nagisa agreed. Just this one last thing.

At this point he doesn't know what he thought was going to happen. Just one extended trip to get it out of his system? As though it'll ever be enough? He warns Nagisa, even, 'I won't stop until I want to'. In reality, that might just mean never. Because, as it turns out, he doesn't want to let Nagisa go even after several rounds. Even when his own body is screaming at him for it.

What's worse is that Nagisa wants it too.

"Only one more," he says, and means it seriously. Physically his dick might fall off otherwise. One last thing.

Karma might not be thinking straight, but it seems like the choice is out of his hands anyway. As it turns out, they're completely out of condoms already. He's a little impressed at that, this has never happened to him before. He's blaming Nagisa, though. Both for being addictive, but also equally insatiable himself.

Of course, Nagisa catches wind immediately. "What do you mean, 'oh'?"

"We ran out of condoms." Maybe it's a sign.

A weird, but kind of calculated look comes across Nagisa's face. "It's not like we have to worry about pregnancy."

He almost chokes. "Nagisa."

Two sides of Karma immediately start screaming at each other. Pathetically, he feels himself getting uncomfortably hard. That's not going to help this conversation, because that's probably exactly what Nagisa wants.

Nagisa gets up to his knees. "R-right?"

How is he possibly supposed to survive this? It takes everything in his willpower to not just throw Nagisa back and start pounding him immediately. "You don't actually mean that."

He's undeterred. "Why not?"

Admittedly, Karma gapes at him. Sure, Nagisa is far from innocent at this point, but this feels like whiplash. He may as well just say 'do me raw' at this point, it's so blatant. And the worst part of it all is that Karma can't think of a good reason. His blood has already completely pooled south. There is nothing more he'd like to do, in this instant, than be inside Nagisa again.

"You shouldn't just-"

"It isn't safe?" Nagisa tilts his head.

It feels like Nagisa just gave him an answer. Praise all the gods for the existence of STDs. Or, well, don't actually. Mostly, it's just habit. He knows Nagisa won't have anything obviously. In fact, Nagisa's probably the only person he's slept with he knows for a fact is clean. And he knows he's fine too. That won't do him any good on the excuse front though. Plus he'd rather Nagisa not think he has something…

"No, it definitely is," he starts to ramble. "I haven't- nobody else…" think. Just think of anything. "It'll be messy."

Nagisa doesn't even hesitate. "I don't mind."

Karma's not proud of how quickly his willpower snaps. He's burning. Every inch of him. He still knows it's a bad idea. Removing basically the only barrier they have left at this point is probably the worst idea. But he wants Nagisa so badly, pouncing on top of him like some kind of rabid possessed animal. Nagisa doesn't just want it… he asked for it.

"Are you sure?" He asks one desperate, final time.

The smile Nagisa gives him feels nearly out of place, as he lies back and spreads himself. "I-it's okay. Karma…"

Inside, he screams. But of course he obliges. Because Nagisa asked. Because Nagisa is staring up at him like he… like he feels something at least. And maybe Karma can let himself pretend for a minute. He can't help but wonder what it would be like if he didn't have to think of this as conditional.

Logically speaking, one relatively thin latex barrier should not have been a big deal. In fact, guys who think it is have always been a huge turn off. And yeah, physically, the sensation is definitely more like this. That doesn't explain why he almost comes instantly. Which is pretty embarrassing really, considering the amount of times he's already gotten off.

It's too much. So much that he can't even look at him until he calms down a bit. When he finally feels like his heart will stay put in his chest, he opens his eyes again. And there goes the heart. Karma moves slowly, because that's about all he can handle. He feels a bit bad, because he's not thinking much about how it feels for Nagisa. Not that he seems to mind, given the way he rocks back against him, continuing the night's trend of being surprisingly open with his moans.

This is the closest he's ever been to someone else now. Of course it's with Nagisa. He feels like praising every spirit on this earth that it's him. Their hands slide together and he feels like bursting again. Nagisa looks him right in the eyes then and Karma feels like falling. It's like something beyond words then. He wants Nagisa like this forever, even if it kills him.

Maybe he's already dead and this is some kind of paradise.

Karma immediately knows he can't last like this. He can't even attempt to. His arms give out anyway, and all he can do is kiss Nagisa like he wants to be consumed. There's nothing else he can possibly focus on other than the feeling of him, and the absolute relief of finally just taking exactly what he wants.

"C'mon," Nagisa breaks the kiss and pulls him even tighter in, somehow meeting him for every move. "It's okay."

How can it be okay when it feels like this?

But then Nagisa clenches around him, squeezes him even tighter, and says "I want it. Karma."

Karma can't survive that. Nobody could. It's like he has no shred of control anymore, pounding against Nagisa so hard he can't even breathe anymore. It might just be the longest, most intense orgasm he's had ever. And Nagisa too, clenching helplessly around him as Karma literally fills him. It almost feels like it won't stop. Even when it's over, all he can do is shake.

Somehow Nagisa brings him back down to earth, with a kiss so sweet he feels like he could cry. He wants to stay like this forever, joined and warm like this. Like he wouldn't even notice if the building was burning down around them. Nagisa might have just destroyed him forever. Because how? How can anything else even remotely compare to this?

Karma breaks every deal he tries to make for himself.