Senri is lost in a dream.
He is awake when he shouldn't be but knows he must find his beast.
He can feel it lurking along the edges and shadows, but it stays away no matter how desperately he's calling.
And it feels so wrong….
But he refuses to give up, knowing he has to lure it in because, without it, he can't go back to sleep.
Without it, the truth of his existence is too close to the surface.
Their grand deception and the most painful truth.
The truth that ever kept them apart and the reason behind their pain.
So despite how much it hurts, he stumbles through the images, knowing that if he's in enough pain, his beast won't be able to resist the bait. That it'll leave the shadows and swallow his suffering, letting them both slip back to sleep and keep their truth hidden.
Once upon a time, it was easier, but then the shadow darker than dark snuck into their game and touched the truth… and the beast ate it for that.
None could know, none could understand, and especially none could accept.
Senri knew that more than the man he followed across the dream, watching his downfall with the detached interest of seeing the same dream unfold countless times.
The man is beautiful – there's no doubt about that – with his ink-black hair and pale, ice-blue eyes if the chill of his emptiness mars his beauty. Senri doesn't see the colors this time, but he doesn't need them to know this man's heart more than his own.
It's an empty abyss that bellies fake cheer on the beautiful face. The man is broken – twisted inside – but he has a role to play in this farce. He's so cold, for Senri, he looks like his veins are full of ice matching his dead eyes, but all others get fooled by the mask.
Or they just don't care what's hidden under it so long it's too numb even to notice it's dead.
Though it's Senri who's an intruder into this dream, he moves with more life than the man he follows does – he has to as the chill filling him feels like if he stops, he's going to die to frost the same way the man does every time.
Without much interest, he's watching the man's heart wither as he's losing his home.
One after another, after the next.
He's rejected for not being what he's supposed to be, despite hiding the truth – using his masks to hide the hurt, and moves on just to be rejected again.
No one needs the truth hidden behind the mask, so the man shoves it deep down, playing the part the others put on him. And Senri watches as that mask slowly, painfully molds the man's insides to fit the play he's forced to perform in.
The beautiful man adapts, as is his nature, and Senri is born to play the part he's needed for.
Because no one wants the beast.
And that's the greatest truth they guard: that no matter how much his beast wishes otherwise, Senri isn't real. He's a lie woven of shame and shadows, the puppet others want and need, letting the beast hide its truth and pain in his shape.
Its constant rejection.
He slips from image to image, this time not chasing shimmers but heading straight to the most painful dream – knowing that this never failed to get his beast to pounce.
To the spark of hope that died and the greatest secret of his creator – putting the alien sensation of being watched up to his beast.
To the knight of blue eyes and silver blue hair, whose warm smile and kind gaze lead the man to his downfall – and his beast's insanity.
This dream always starts with warmth and sparks of colors, he would call hope if he didn't know how deceiving it was. It starts with a helping hand when the man is at his lowest and vulnerable, yet again losing the only home he knows. And Senri knows how new it feels for the man he follows – to, for once someone giving instead of taking – and the sensation spikes the beast's interest.
Spikes the hope for acceptance.
At first, there's a warmth to this dream. Not the blaze that could melt the ice in the man's gaze, but enough to lure his lonely heart closer to the surface. And with it, the beast follows, carefully edging closer. It doesn't know the warmth, and Senri knows it's intrigued by it, but no matter how much he wishes to scream a warning, he knows it won't listen.
This beast isn't his, but part of the dream, too easily letting itself become ensnared by the promise in the blue eyes of the knight. And Senri can only watch and taste the mounting pain.
It's sweet and soothing, the dream, at first. The allure of affection and warmth is too tempting to resist. Shared laughter leads to shared kisses, uncertain touch, and desire. It's warm and comfortable, like a thick blanket in the winter's chill.
Until the beautiful man lets himself get lulled in the illusion of safety and lets the knight taste the bite of the beast… and the dream – like always – shifts.
Senri watches, smiling ruefully, as the knight balks.
He – like so many others – wants Senri, not the beast. He sees the man, the hero, and the tiniest hint of what lurks under the façade puts too-familiar dismal in the blue eyes.
And as he balks, so does the beast, retreating into the shadows of the man's heart to lick its wounds in peace. It pushes the image of Senri forward, and the man pretends that it was all it ever was under the mask – forcing himself to believe that was enough and that the warmth is too good to let go too easily.
And the beast's hurt festers in yet another rejection, its pain sending eerie resonance throughout the man's soul.
Until colors dim, the beast chokes, and Senri is on the edge of the bridge that hosts the greatest nightmare of all.
The push, the sacrifice, and their greatest shame.
'A smile better suits a hero….'
And Senri smiles as the beast roar… and the man breaks.
Because under the grief and rage… there's a spark of relief that makes both the man and the beast fall insane.
And Senri, the lie woven of secrets and masks, looks on as his heart breaks. He weeps over the broken promise, dashed hopes, and the illusion of acceptance… and as he does, his beast finally pounces, pinning him down with its massive, ink-black weight.
'You called me," it growls, rage and insanity in its too-pale eyes, baring two rows of fangs in Senri's face as its long whiskers twitch with annoyance. "I frrreed you… Why would you call me…?"
But he doesn't balk as the knight did, instead easily wrapping his short arms around the beast's neck and drowning his fingers in the fur dark like the deepest night.
'I'm nothing without you but shadows and lies," Senri whispers, burying his face in his beast's soft fur. 'I need to sleep, and I can't go without you. The game is over, beast. Don't leave me, and I will never reject you… as we promised.'
'Stupid child,' the beast snarl, yet Senri hears only terror in its rumbling voice. 'Forrr him? He doesn't want us… He's going to brrreak us… again. Do you so hungerrr for pain, Senrrri? Did I taint you, too?'
'Perhaps he's worth the pain,' he whispers the beast's words, and it flinches, growling a warning in the soft notes against Senri's neck. 'Perhaps…'
'Foolishness, Senrrri,' it sighs with resignation.
'Perhaps…' he repeats, leans back to wrap his hands around his beast's muzzle, and rests his head against its forehead. '…I wish to burn.'
And for the first time, he smiles with shy hope as they fall asleep.
When the… vision? dream?... he's following through Damon's eyes fades away, G'raha curls into a miserable ball in the back of their shared head, and if he could, he would probably weep over the truth it unveiled.
Perhaps because he does know that painful feelings all too well: the sense of rejection and the need to be wanted both resonate with his heart fiercely, but the thought that he – of all people – made Senri… or rather the part of him he kept hidden from the world, feel rejected puts a yawning pit inside his heart.
Again, it… he DID overreact, Damon sighed tiredly, and G'raha almost felt his staggering amount of aether flow around his soul, retreating to the back of his immortal soul while he was gently pushed forward. Regaining control of his limbs, he blinked, then swiped his hand across his eyes, chasing off sudden blurriness. Only then could he see clearly the immobile form of his lover.
No longer in the child's body, as Ares, with a few whispered words, made it grow back to the proper size, Senri was sprawled atop of his empty mattress, naked. And despite the glory of his beauty, G'raha, for once, was feeling only his heartache as he looked at the unreal beauty of his lover's face, relaxed in unconsciousness.
It does, too well, remind me of Ares, back when we met, Damon whispered ruefully, distracting G'raha somewhat from the painful need to cross the space separating him from the bed and embrace Senri, swearing he never meant to cause all of this. But before their started this… attempt, Ares had him swear he won't be near their body until the result was clear. Until Senri wakes up and they know for sure it worked or not. Which, with Senri being his reincarnation, is not that surprising, I suppose. Sensitive as my husband always was, the constant rejection he was forced to face for literal centuries was… difficult. His parents did their best, I know, but because my Ares does love only in his fierce, uninhibited way, he was far too young when he learned to hide his heartbreak from them. There was no changing our people's minds, determined as they were, to see him as an example of what happened when one went against their rules. Then his talent and temper became known, and it… scared him, you could say, if I think it's simplifying it too much. Able to see souls as he always was, he was terrified to let his rot with negative emotions. I never really understood that I admit, but he told me once that those looked quite… unpleasant. Anyway, what I'm getting at, Raha… it took me literally centuries to get him to open up enough to make him comfortable in sharing all shades of his soul, negative, too. You had what… three days? And while being bombarded by surprise after surprise… so don't you dare blame yourself for this.
Logically… I get your point, he replied reluctantly. I do, Damon, but on the emotional level… Could you really blame him for… overreacting when all he ever knew was a rejection? Especially if I'm understanding correctly what really happened with Haurchefant… He, too, lured him in with the promise of acceptance, then balked when faced with the truth behind the mask.
You didn't balk, though, Damon pointed out firmly. And again, having a moment of doubt is perfectly normal, believe me. Especially when one's is dealing with their own set of issues… he trailed off, then chuckled ruefully. Even I, brilliant as I always was, needed to kiss another to learn that Ares was the only one for me… and almost lost him.
Huh? G'raha blinked rapidly, hooking his thumbs in the waistband of his pants to keep them back from reaching for what they itched. The warmth of the pale skin seemed like an inhumane temptation.
Long story, my boy, and perhaps better left for another day, his immortal replied, then his voice cooled down. Now… focus, Raha, because it is coming.
He blinked rapidly, then a quiet gasp slipped his lips when he realized what Damon meant. At first, a tiny ink dot appeared square in the middle of Senri's bare chest, right above his heart. He stilled utterly, not even daring to breathe as the dot spilled, growing rapidly. When it covered most of the surface of his lover's chest, he swallowed thickly, fighting a reflex to back away when a massive paw woven from liquid darkness shot out of it, swiftly followed by another. The sight was downright nightmare-inducing as the massive, cat-like form of the beast slowly emerged out of his lover's body, and its sheer size was beyond intimidating.
It literally looked like it was made of liquid darkness, and the color… well, actually, it didn't look like the color but more of an absence of one, like it consumed the light that hit its form. It did not look like any animal he had ever heard or read about, and not only because of its seeming form, but as it climbed to all fours above Senri's immobile form and turned its blazing, white pits where its eyes should be in the distinctively triangular shape of its head and bared at him two rows of fangs, twitching its long whiskers, not flinching away was a feat.
'What is this…?' it rumbled in a deep voice that sounded like a stone falling into an underground pond. "What did you do to us…?"
G'raha took a deep, steadying breath, then exhaled slowly, faking confidence as he raised his chin pointedly, freed on hand, and waved his finger toward the beast like he was chiding a naughty kit.
"That's what you get for overreacting," he said with a petulant tone, then folded his arms over his chest, mostly to hide their shaking under the stare of the white abyss. "Damon refused to let you anywhere near Ares's soul and his gift again, so we had to agree on the compromise, my beast."
The liquid darkness flinched slightly, and something almost like a ripple ran over its form while the beast shifted, carefully stepping from over Senri's body. Without taking its too-empty eyes from G'raha, it somewhat experimentally nudged its massive paw against his lover's side. Then, when nothing happened, it finally looked away from him and, with a rumbling growl, nudged its triangular head against the black-haired Seeker's body, almost making it roll off the mattress. He barely resisted the need to stop it, clenching his teeth painfully and sighing deeply through his nose when it swiftly put its paw on top of Senri, stopping his fall. When it turned its blazing eyes toward him again, he strived to pretend it didn't send a shiver down his spine, but the depth of pain behind that gaze made his throat clench and his heart thump in misery.
It was taking it as another rejection, he understood and barely bit back a whimper when its darkness somewhat sagged. The beast carefully settled its massive form next to his lover's body, resting its head atop Senri's stomach, and its form radiated resignation when it closed its empty eyes.
He took another deep breath, then slowly neared the bed, but the liquid darkness didn't even twitch or look toward him, and if perhaps didn't know better now, he would miss the way its long tail curled in slightly and triangular ears lowered just a tad. But he did know now, so he steeled his resolve and, despite his nerves, fell to his knees next to the bed and crossed his arms on the edge of it, right next to Senri's side, and rested his chin on top of them, putting his head right in level with the beast's triangular muzzle so close to it, he could all too easily imagine that it would take a mere snap of those double row of fangs to take his head off his shoulders. But he felt – instinctively – that if he wanted to achieve anything here, he couldn't show fear.
He had already lost its trust once, and if he wanted Senri – and he did, so much it hurt – he knew he couldn't have him without this dark, hurt part of him.
The grand deception and the painful truth, indeed.
"We got it all backward, didn't we?" he whispered barely above a breath, but his answer was just a barely visible twitch of long whiskers. "You never were Esteem, hm? No, you were with him much, much longer than that…."
"Esteem…" it scoffed, and he remained motionless when its hot breath fanned his face. In other circumstances, he would be perhaps tempted to smile at the way the liquid darkness of its muzzle scrunched up with a visible disdain. "…was foolish. Dug too deep and paid the prrrice. Tasted disgusting, too. Filthy magic and lies… nothing more."
"What are you, then?" he asked softly, though he already more than suspected the answer.
"I'm the beast," it growled, and the white slits of its eyes hurt his heart with their resigned desolation. The confidence of rejection. "I'm the rrrage borrrn the firrrst time we have to smile to appease otherrrs. I'm the terrrorrr borrrn with the firrrst uninvited touch. I'm helplessness and hopelessness of ourrr life. I'm the pain, the resentment, the emptiness. The chill and madness we hide behind the masks. That's what I am and what I'm everrr going to be, Rrraha, because all of you want and take and expect… morrre than ourrr soul can bearrr."
His throat tightened painfully, and his eyes started to burn again, but G'raha shifted his arms carefully. Despite the clear apprehension in the empty eyes, he wrapped his hands around the triangular shape of its head. It was too big for his palms to close around it completely, so he let his thumbs rest under its white eyes, curling his fingers to brush the back of cat-like ears. Its darkness was downright chilling to the touch, but he didn't dare to show anything but sincerity in his expression as he caught the hurt, resigned stare.
"I know I… fucked up," he whispered sadly. "And that you won't believe me, but I never meant to make you believe I don't want you, too. I didn't understand when I made you that promise, but I still mean it more than ever. I want him, and I want you, too, my beast, if you can give me another chance to prove it."
"Funny idea, anotherrr chance," it drawled, but remained motionless in his grip as its empty eyes flared with boundless rage. "Anotherrr chance to rrreject me? I think not, Rrraha. You can have Senrrri, if he's so hungrrry to burrrn, but I won't let yourrr prrretty worrrds fool me again."
"I want all," he breathed with confidence in his pounding heart. "His sweetness and your rage, my beast. And I refuse to settle for anything less. You, both of you, were meant to be mine long before the world broke you apart, but if you let me, I wish for nothing more than to help you heal. To make you whole again, Senri. So, please, let me prove it that now, knowing the truth behind your masks, I mean it with all my heart that I want you, the man and the beast, both."
The long look of the white abyss made him shake with nervousness, but G'raha held it with determination, knowing that this was his only chance to regain even a shade of its trust. Because despite Damon's reassurances, he more than knew the fear of rejection and the pain of abandonment. He knew the loneliness he could see in its eyes before he ruined its timid hope of acceptance he offered without truly understanding the stakes. In his naïve desire for Senri, he lured in the beast that hid behind his pale eyes, and with a careless thought, he hurt it – as all the others did before him.
But unlike the blue-eyed knight before him, who wanted the man, but feared the beast, G'raha now knew both, and his want for them only blazed so much hotter.
He didn't know what the beast woven from darkness could see in his expression. Still, something like a ghost of humor suddenly lit up the emptiness of its eyes, and its long whiskers twitched against the edges of his hands as it lifted its triangular head, shifting toward him until its nose almost met his.
"Brrrave Rrraha, to let yourrr soul show so clearrrly ," now it's a deep, rumbling purr that sent an almost painfully arousing shiver down his spine, and G'raha gasped involuntarily, feeling his face heat up unbearably as he fought to not look away with embarrassment from the white abyss. "Brrraverrr than we everrr werrre… And forrr that, you can have yourrr second chance."
"Thank y-you," he stammered, cursing his body's reaction, and it had to show in his expression because the beast blinked, then rumbled on another deep, maddening purr that sent goosebumps to break across his skin and bristled his fur. And before he could even realize or stop it, his throat vibrated in the instinctive answer as his insides throbbed with a craving for his mate.
"Poorrr Rrraha… so starrrved forrr us…" His beast growled, and he closed his eyes with a quiet whimper, fighting to get his unruly instincts under control. Because of that, if he weren't still holding his hands around its head, he would likely miss the way the beast suddenly literally melted. Blinking rapidly, he gasped, seeing all that liquid, ink-black darkness sink back into his lover's body, leaving no sign or evidence of its presence.
Did… Did I ruin it? He hesitated a question at his passenger.
Actually, quite the opposite, I believe, Damon sounded suspiciously amused, and he frowned in reflex.
What do you mean? G'raha asked, carefully standing up and, with apprehension, leaning over his lover's body, watching it for any sign of evidence that he didn't dream up the whole encounter. Damon doesn't answer, but his downright devious chuckle is his only warning before a big, clawed hand wrapped around his neck, and his world shifted. Before he could even realize what happened or blink, he was pinned down against the mattress face down and gasped as he tried to orient himself. And he almost managed before that big hand pushed under his body and curled around his dick over the material of his pants while the weight on top of his shifted, and scalding hot breath fanned his neck.
"You smell so tasty, Rrraha," the deep, rumbling purr sounded hoarse, but he missed the sleepy note in it, busy losing his mind at the far too pleasant pressure over his throbbing flesh. It's been too long, and the mix of relief and mind-numbing desire tore a round of staggering, inviting purrs from his mouth that made him blush at his neediness. Still, he couldn't regret that when Senri growled softly in approval, then bit him, sending a shock of pleasure-pain to thrum down his spine and right into his aching erection. Lost in the sensation, G'raha growled mindlessly, roughly pushing back against the pressure when Senri's hand flexed over his flesh, and at the same time, his lover purred into his bite, rutting into his ass meaningfully.
"Sen… Senri…" he managed to get out between choking him purrs, clawing at the mattress around his shoulders as he instinctively rolled his hips between his lover's hand at the rigid length rubbing against his buttocks. His only answer was another rumbling purr vibrating into his skin and a brutal tear at the material separating their heated skin. He could only moan with relief and frustration when his lover's thick cock slid between his buttocks but not inside him, as the scalding heat of his mate's hand returned to now curl around his throbbing dick, pumping its length roughly. And he knew he should be embarrassed about how quickly his body peaked, but it felt too good to care. He mewled his lover's name half-consciously as his senses reeled in his high, almost choking on it when his mate pulled back his soiled hand and unceremoniously shoved it between them. He blushed, realizing his intent as Senri used his seed to open him up, purring into his skin insistently as his long fingers slid in and out of him in long strokes. By the time he added the third, making him burn with the sensation of being stretched, G'raha's even more hungry for him than before, letting his hand shakily fist in the ink-black hair as he gasped and moaned, rolling his hips eagerly against the intrusion.
It felt like ages before his lover shifted on top of him, and he was downright whining his need desperately when the long fingers were exchanged for the thicker, hotter flesh he craved. Yet, a short shout tore from his throat when his mate mounted him harshly, sinking inside him to the hilt in one brutal thrust. Because it was too good and his body edged into another peak too quickly, he whimpered helplessly, thrashing under his lover's weight as he fought for restraint. He didn't want it to end too soon, but his whole body throbbed in the insane rhythm of his heartbeat, and his blood felt like it was about to boil out of his veins, shooting to his cock and making it pulse in a warning of upcoming orgasm.
"Not y-yet…" he groaned out loud at his overactive, unruly flesh, and apparently, his mate disagreed, as his rumbling purrs grew louder and more intense. Senri ground his scalding dick into his ass brutally, his sounds only getting louder when G'raha swore, and his voice trailed off to a keening moan when his body tumbled over the edge against his will.
"Silly mate," Senri growled playfully, pulling from his bite to nuzzle against his neck insistently as G'raha fought to catch his breath, whimpering involuntarily as wave after wave of heat made his whole body melt into a heap of trembling muscles under his lover's weight. And yet…
"More…" he mewled mindlessly, needing… no, craving all of him after the chill of their separation. All of his light and darkness, the pleasure and the pain… all his, as it was always supposed to be.
To prove to his beautiful beast – and himself – that he could and wanted to be what it needed to heal. For Senri to be whole and his… he needed to show him he could take him head-on and not fear the beast under his skin. And make him believe that with him, he could be all he was – because he refused to settle for anything less than that.
And as if sensing his resolve – or perhaps wishing to test it – Senri growled a warning against his neck, then caught his wrists in a vice-like grip and pinned them above his head in a tantalizing display of dominance that made G'raha purr his submission near-deafeningly, then complied with his demand, arching above his back and set to fuck him senseless with downright feral intensity. Pounding into him until his whole body bounced with the inhumane power of his thrusts and growling and groaning his name in broken notes, soon G'raha lost himself in the rhythm of the scorching heat spearing his insides. In the intoxicating scent of their mixed arousal and sweat, his ears rang with the sounds of flesh hitting the skin. The sparks of lightning danced along his spine with each brutal stroke. Soon he lost count of how many times his body helplessly tumbled over the edge, only whimpering and whining for more until his voice gave out. He could only gasp, grunt and moan his enjoyment as his overloaded senses reeled in the haze of endless mating.
He barely registered when Senri pulled back only to roll him over to his back, then nearly folded him in half, taking his slack mouth with no less fervor as he took him again. Desperately coiling his arms around his neck, he clung for dear life as his lover growled and gasped into his mouth, pumping his body full of his scorching seed. Still, instead of relenting, Senri snarled and broke the sloppy kiss to bite him again, fucking him only harder and with the rage that would baffle if G'raha didn't know what drove his beast. So, instead of rejecting his claim, he choked on another deep, rumbling purr and wound his legs around his lover's waist tightly, matching its insane rhythm. Arching his back, he fisted his hand in the sweat-dampened ink-black hair and tilted his mate's head, without breaking his bite, to whisper against his lowered ear.
"You are mine," he breathed shakily as his heart broke with the terrified note in his beast's whine. Still, with a determination born of the need for him – all of him – he coiled his body around him in a possessive claim, letting his hands fall to his lover's back and hook for purchase in his shoulder blades as the mad rhythm grew desperate and nearly painful. Some still sane part of his mind wondered briefly if his lover, on some unconscious level, tried to scare him off with this, force the rejection he so desperately feared, and give his beast an excuse to hide again. And that thought had the rest of him hiss with indignation and fury, dragging his fingers down his mate's back to dig them brutally in his buttocks, forcing him to an even harsher, rougher rhythm. His dazed senses aflame and his whole world overcharged with the idea his beast would resist his claim, he snarled with outrage and dug his teeth into the pale skin on his lover's shoulder, tasting copper on his tongue as Senri broke his bite and arched in his grip with a roar. And as his soul was flooded with the mind-numbing wave of his emotions – the beast so close to the surface that its terror and elation overwhelmed his senses… and everything went dark.
T'senri blinked slowly as his consciousness emerged from the darkness, but his whole body felt numb and sore, so he didn't even try to move, lazily trying to collect his scattered wits and make sense of what happened.
But before he could start, the warmth under his body shifted slightly, and his swimming senses registered the soothing rhythm of long fingers delicately running through his hair and the even more comforting sound of the low purrs against his ear. And most of all… the delicate, reassuring whisper that sent a strange resonance to the deepest recesses of his broken soul.
"You are mine," and he couldn't help how for some reason, it had the scorching heat of tears slip his eyelids when he closed his eyes again. "And I'll keep you safe, my beautiful beast. I love you, Senri."
He tried to answer, but his voice wouldn't comply, escaping his throat as a hoarse whine. No matter how desperately he fought it, soon he couldn't help but bawl like a kit, cursing his weakness internally even as Raha didn't seem to mind, wrapping his arms around him possessively and holding him in a tight, hot embrace, purring his name and sweet reassurances he couldn't make out between the ringing blaring between his ears. Still, despite that, it only worked to make him cry harder.
And for the first time, since he learned to hide behind his mask and push down his pain, surrounded by his mate's heat and intoxicating scent, T'senri allowed himself to let go, and despite his fear… Raha didn't balk but only tightened his grip around him, body and soul. And he doesn't know how or why… but suddenly, his heart feels lighter. And in the tight shackles of his lover's embrace, for the first time in his lonely life, the beast under his skin tasted the freedom and was instantly addicted.
"Love y-you, too, Rrraha," he choked out in a strange, dually resounding voice, but he couldn't bring himself to care about the anomaly at the moment because his mate's joy and love flooded his heart, and the sensation stole his breath, sending him to weep even harder.