Chap. 18: Diagon Alley and Yaxley gets nailed.
It was now Saturday, and Harry was daydreaming at a table inside the Wands and Wizards Cafe, as since Wednesday, he had worked almost around the clock to edit Saturday's paper since that would be the release date for the following papers making it a weekly paper. This same paper, he noticed, was being read by several along the alley and at Carkitt Market. It took the staff a week to come up with the stories, even when using the history supplied by Bathilda and her books to concoct new stories from the old with only a name change. On top of that, they started receiving mail orders for the personal massagers, and the WWW had an increase in customers. George had mentioned selling lingerie and négligée, next, and that they needed several sizes, from petite to extra-large, and at least in white, black, pink, and red.
Harry found out that Dumbledore had visited the WWW on Friday, and he was inquiring about who had sold them their ad space. They replied as they were told to: "An elderly bald American wizard in his seventies dropped by." They didn't catch his name, they told the headmaster, and the ad space was offered for free, so they jumped at the chance. They finished by stating that they sent their ad by owl to a post drop at the Owl Office, and that was that.
Worse, Harry found out that Elphias Doge ordered one of the vibrators with extra batteries and a bottle of oil, and Fred said that he looked for Dumbledore to buy one next! Another purchaser was Narcissa Malfoy, and last, but not least, Sybill Trelawney purchased one, too, which they could all believe, the poor witch. However, could she see the thing to properly use it, was in all their thoughts?
Harry, though, was gazing at the shop across the alley, and dreaming of he and Daphne frolicking on a Caribbean beach with him in Bermuda shorts, and her in a white string bikini. At the moment, he was enjoying the sway of her hips as she strolled along the water's edge just in front of him.
"Harry," Daphne scolded, "snap out of it, and listen to this with Tracey! Tell me what you think of the way it turned out?"
It was too early to be thinking about this at 9:00 AM on a Saturday morning, Harry thought.
Daphne held up her copy of Saturday's The Magic Eye and was looking over the two photos that were side-by-side for the headline. The first showed Voldemort sitting on his arse on the wet pavement in Hogsmeade, with vomitus down the front of his robes, and on his chin, which a few chunks of food was clinging to. Didn't he chew his food, Daphne wondered?
The other photo, of course, was of Voldemort and Bellatrix having a raucous tryst at Riddle Manor, with Voldemort suckling on Bellatrix's breasts as he was feeling her up, where the headline said, "Is This The Leader Of The Death Eaters?," and underneath that, in smaller text, it said, "The Entire Sordid Scandal That We Uncovered." There was also a photo of "Mildred Knowes" at the start of the first column underneath, which was glaring up at the two photos in a very scandalized fashion. Of course, the private parts of Bellatrix were blacked out using small round and black spots on the photo.
"Dear readers, oh, what a scandal," Daphne read, "from the supposed leader of the subversive criminal organization known as the Death Eaters. What we found, dear readers, will curl your toes.
"First, You-Know-Who made his way to Hogsmeade the other night, and some have alleged that it was in a drunken rage in order to destroy this newspaper's delivery boxes placed along the street. It seems that our measly boxes defeated the greatest dark wizard known to the public, where he tripped over himself several times, and landed in a heap upon the wet flagstone pavement. Several ministry personnel witnessed it at the end, when You-Know-Who vomited on himself and laughed while admitting defeat before apparating away. It was also rumored that he had splinched himself.
"It was reported that Minister Scrimgeour found You-Know-Who's wand, which he had dropped after poking himself in the eye, on the street, and then, the minister snapped it across his knee!"
Here, Tracey gasped and Harry smirked.
"Rumors abound asking whether he was inebriated," Daphne continued, "or was it a mental instability from something much worse? Thus, dear readers, reference the second photo, which was given to us by a magical and private investigations and security firm from the US that wishes to remain unidentified. They told us, at The Magic Eye, that they had been investigating the Death Eaters over the last three years, and especially after the Triwizard Tournament.
"The firm stated that they had set up hidden pin-hole cameras throughout Riddle Manor, but only after they obtained information that the Riddles were his family on his father's side. The photo, above, was taken by the one placed within the drawing room on the ground floor and was retrieved by one of their investigators, they claimed.
"The photo clearly shows You-Know-Who molesting one of his main sycophants, Bellatrix Lestrange, who is married to Rodolphus Lestrange, now serving a sentence in Azkaban, along with his brother, Rabastan, and brother-in-law, Lucius Malfoy. (For more on the Malfoys, see Pg, 3, Col. 1).
"One must wonder if Rodolphus is aware of his wife's infidelity, or does he approve? If one looks closely at the photo, you will notice that Bellatrix has a large scab on her lower lip.
"Dear readers, we showed this photo to a healer who wishes to remain anonymous, and he stated that the scab looked like it could have been caused by the wizarding version of the bacterium, Treponema Pallidum, known as 'Treponema Pallidum Magi,' or otherwise known in British magical parlance as the 'Magical French Disease,' or 'Magical Syphilis,' which is a sexually transmitted disease that is hard to cure, unless one takes 'the treatment' at St. Mungo's!
"The other reason, the healer embarrassedly mentioned, could have been an infection caused by having oral sex with a horse. He did not believe that this was the case, however, since he stated that this usually presents itself with a rash. Could it have been from both, we have to ask?
"Could this be the real reason that You-Know-Who is missing his nose? Could he have been hiding away with this infection, where it finally ate away at the flesh of his nose, and to the point that it fell off his face? If it has, dear reader, what has the infection done to his brain, as he was said to already be psychopathic beforehand?"
"Oh, Merlin!" Tracey moaned, as she looked down at the table, and wiped her hand over her face. Harry, though, gave out another low volumed wheezing snigger over what was being stated. Muttley the dog, indeed, Daphne thought before continuing to read.
"Could You-Know-Who have noticed the spots appearing on the palms of his hands and on the bottom of his feet by that terrible Halloween night, and could he have just decided to flee after being bested by a mere toddler?
"So, dear reader, was You-Know-Who intoxicated the other night, or was it really a psychotic episode brought on by a nasty venereal disease that has ate away at his brain, which is now carried by his top lieutenant, Bellatrix Lestrange, if true? What does her husband think of this while he's sitting in his cell? What debauchery must occur with this lot behind closed doors? What do the other rapacious Death Eaters think?
"Also, there is a horrid point that the readers should know. According to Harry Potter, You-Know-Who was in the form of a Homunculus when the ritual was performed to give him a new body at the cemetery at Little Hangleton at the end of the Triwizard Tournament. A Homunculus, dear reader, is an alchemical way of creating a body for a soul, and it, itself, is a bit of very dark magic. We asked an unspeakable about this, who wishes to remain anonymous, and he stated that they are created by: 'Placing the sperm of a man to be putrefied by itself in a sealed cucurbit [gourd or rottable vessel] for forty days with the highest degree of putrefaction in a horse's womb, or at least so long that it comes to life and moves itself, and stirs, which is easily observed. After this time, it will look somewhat like a man, but be transparent, without a body. If, after this, it be fed wisely with the Arcanum of human blood, and be nourished for up to forty weeks, and be kept in the even heat of the horse's womb, a living human child grows therefrom, with all its members like another child, which is born of a woman, but much smaller.' Could this be what Peter Pettigrew did after he fled when Sirius Black escaped?
"We found out, dear reader, that the unspeakable was quoting Paracelsus' alchemical knowledge about the way one is formed. Just what does this do to one's mind after completion, and where did Peter Pettigrew obtain his lord's sperm? Could he have been at the Potters that night, and upon the death of You-Know-Who, could he have collected his semen and bollocks for future use, and then done away with the body? One will never know the truth, dear reader, unless Pettigrew tells all now that he is detained and awaiting trial.
"When we find out more, dear readers, we will be sure to let you know."
Daphne quit reading for a moment as she opened the paper for page three, where she noticed that Harry had an evil grin upon his face, and poor Tracey looked shocked to the core. Finally, Daphne began reading the article on the Malfoys. She had to pause, though, when she stared at the photo of a supposed Lucius Malfoy having sex with a fourteen-year-old Cuban-Dominican girl, who had a look on her face of being tortured. Fortunately, their private parts were hidden by the use of black thirty-two-point stars placed over the girl's nipples, and between her legs, though Lucius' arse was shown hanging out, where his trousers were down to his ankles.
"The Unbridled Truth About The Malfoy Family, And Their Hypocrisy!"
"Dear reader, we started an investigation into the Malfoy family of Wiltshire, who many know of as an old Norman family where Armand Malfoy came here with the invasion. Having rendered their underhanded and shady services to King William I, Armand was given a large swath of land in Wiltshire that had been seized from the local landholders. What many don't know, however, is about the muggles and muggle-borns that married into their bloodline through the generations, and their close ties to the British muggle aristocracy!
"As an example, Lucius Malfoy I made a play for the hand of Queen Elizabeth I of England. Needless to say, he was unsuccessful in his attempt, and especially since she knew that he was French. Several wizarding historians believe that this upset Lucius enough to jinx the Queen, which resulted in her spinsterish behavior about marriage. This has been denied by several generations of the Malfoy family, however.
"You read that correctly, dear reader, and their history is both a fascinating, yet perverted one, even though they make the claim of being strictly purebloods. All of this, mind you, while they make the claim that they are "above the muggles." They are also known to be the primary financier of You-Know-Who, and worse, the Goblins pass this money on to their cause. These are the same Goblins that these people would eradicate if they have the chance, but money is more important to a Goblin than any morals, or their life, it would seem. Worse, we found that both Abraxas and Lucius Malfoy have associated with both the Marlborough and Cliveden Sets over the years, and the tales of their debauchery have been within the muggle news from time to time. It was said that Abraxas was even close to Edward VII, who was known as a libertine that loved visiting the muggle brothels of Paris, France. It has also been said that the Malfoys used magic to hide Edward's perverse behavior and that the Malfoys participated in the said sexual scandals alongside the would-be king.
"Yes, we found that the Malfoys have been guilty of secretly using magic to help the British aristocracy along the way, especially in obtaining great wealth during the Colonial Days. Here, dear reader is where the Malfoy family started acquiring most of their wealth through the muggle plantations that first formed in Barbados by their magical friends in the Drax family. Not long after, the Statute of Secrecy was brought about, where the British Wizarding Government was formed, and the Wizengamot was founded. The Malfoys, we found, have been within the politics of the Ministry of Magic and the Wizengamot ever since. There is no reason to wonder why, dear reader, as bribing ministry officials has been their game plan from the start, who were prepared to "look the other way," and allow them to continue on with their muggle ventures in the Caribbean, and especially in Cuba and Dominica, which we will speak more of later on. Of course, many laws were written with loopholes promoted by the Malfoys as well.
"In 1655, Oliver Cromwell dispatched a fleet commanded by Admiral Sir William Penn to capture Santo Domingo, and it is said that a Malfoy came along with him. The root of their fortune was based here, from the slave trade and plantations from there to Barbados, and west to Jamaica.
"During the 'Ten Years' War' in Cuba, which occurred from 1868 to 1878, it is said that the Malfoys came with the sugar barons fleeing Cuba, and settled in the southeastern coastal plain of Dominica. Here, with the assistance of Luperón's muggle government, they built the nation's first mechanized and steam-powered sugar mills. They were later joined by the Italians, Germans, Puerto Ricans, and Americans in forming the nucleus of the Dominican sugar aristocracy, and by marrying into the prominent sugar families to solidify their social position. Antoine Malfoy was one such wizard that married a wealthy muggle wife in this business, while the company's stock was owned by all the Malfoys still living in Britain.
"We inquired if the Malfoys had ever paid any taxes on all of this wealth now coming to them, and a person inside the Ministry of Magic, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated that they paid bribes to several in the Ministry's Dept. of Taxation so that they would turn their heads to it. So, the family has kept all of this wealth, which has been pouring into their vaults at Gringotts all this time.
"Even worse, dear reader, we found out about their involvement in the old slave trade, and their debauchery upon their visits to the Caribbean nations. It seems that the Malfoy men had or have a penchant for young girls, which we can see by the photo given to us for publication by the US investigative firm mentioned in the main article on the front page.
"Two years ago, and we did verify this, Lucius Malfoy visited Cuba to oversee their sugar operations that they still have running, along with those in Dominica. It was reported to us, by the same investigative firm that gave us the photo, that Lucius was 'given' a young Dominican and Cuban muggle girl of fourteen by his 'sugar baron friends,' who he then raped. One can clearly see the horror on the young girl's face, as Lucius has his way with her. The photo was taken by a hidden camera set up by one of his alleged 'friends,' claimed the investigative firm.
"We, at this paper, have to wonder if the young Malfoy heir ever wonders if he has any siblings in the muggle world, and especially in the Caribbean? Could he know that he has bastard muggle siblings, and just doesn't care? Worse, will he continue the alleged pederast activities of the Malfoy men before him?
"When we find out more, dear reader, we at The Magic Eye will let you know."
Poor Tracey looked stunned, especially after noticing everyone else reading the paper and speaking in whispers about what they read. The young witch was worried about the rebellion that this could cause, and the heat that could be brought down upon the Goblins.
"What do you think?" Daphne said, as she folded the paper up and laid it on the table.
"They went for the jugular," Harry said in a very dry way before taking a drink of his very strong tea.
"It will cause a huge panic," Tracey said with wide eyes, "and worse, there could be revenge attacks!
"I knew that the Malfoys were rotten," Tracey finished, "but not to this extent, and You-Know-Who with Lestrange; now that was just awful! Magical Syphilis? It could explain many things!"
"Why yes, it could," Harry said with a smirk, and then grabbed another scone to eat with his favorite raspberry jam. "However, the ministry is ready for them."
"How?" Tracey inquired.
"I heard that the ministry has brought in outside help to take care of their lot," Harry explained before taking a bite of his scone, "if they show their faces. I also heard that they would rough them up a bit if they were seen out."
"Oh, Merlin!" Tracey exclaimed.
Corban Yaxley was having a bad day, as he didn't like working Saturdays at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, but he was getting closer to placing several people under the Imperius curse, though he was waiting for his orders from the Dark Lord.
It was now, noon, so he was following several others to the ground floor, who were heading to the cafeteria for lunch. He really despised the place as a source of food.
Once everyone was sitting around the round tables that were close to the entrance, Jarrod Burton and Anthony Adamson, both employed by the department, started a ruckus about proving that they didn't carry the Dark Mark by rolling up their sleeves, and dared everyone else to do the same.
When it came around to Corban, however, he blustered and stood, saying that he "refused to play these childish games."
When he started to flee, however, he was struck in the face by a stunner, where he pitched and weaved before dropping to the floor, face first, and with a rather loud smack.
Next, everyone heard a noise coming from the direction of the spell. Step, thump, step, thump, step, thump, step, thump, came the noise louder with each step. Finally, a disillusionment charm was dropped, and there stood Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody, who the minister brought back from retirement.
"Gotcha, you little cowardly son of a bitch!" Alastor exclaimed before he used his staff to slowly ease himself to the floor beside Yaxley.
Next, Alastor roughly yanked up the left sleeve under Yaxley's robes, and there, before everyone, was the black Dark Mark glaring for all to see.
Now, Alastor looked around at everyone seated with his demented grin full of teeth, and said, "He'll be outta it for a while, lads, so could two of you help me stand?"
Before they could help the old auror up, though, he cast another stunner, along with an Incarcerous spell, and then clamped a magic restraining bracelet around Corban's wrist.
When they had Moody to his feet, he used his wand to levitate Yaxley out of the cafeteria. As he was leaving through the doorway, which he made sure that Corban's head bounced off of, his magical eye spun in its socket, and he noticed everyone gawking.
"What's the matter, eh? Never seen anyone take out the rubbish? Get back to ya meals!"
Nobody seemed to notice Jarrod Burton and Anthony Adamson's sly smirks, who were in on the plan to bring Yaxley down. They would obtain promotions for this.
A/N: I was feeling poorly the last two days and had a nagging headache, but I'm getting better, which was why this chapter didn't roll out as quickly as the others. I hope you've enjoyed it, and, as always, thanks for the reviews!