A/N: Another Gone Vignette. It's rather sad and I will warn you, it does discuss suicidal ideation. It takes place before Mac changes her identity and runs off to Montana.

Vignette Seven

Gone: Darkness

I feel like I'm climbing up a rock cliff, but my fingers can't gain purchase. My nails snap off as I futilely try to grip the mountain, and no one comes when I cry for help. No matter what I do, no matter how sorry I am, I can't regain the friendship of my colleagues. I foolishly thought they cared for me like they do him, but I've discovered quite painfully I don't.

Sometimes I wish he'd never come to Paraguay for me. Sure, I'd be dead now, but life (ha ha) would sure be easier for me. It seems like it would have been easier for them too. They'd still have Harm, and I wouldn't have them staring at me, talking about me, glaring at me. I wouldn't have my (former) friends being downright mean at a time in my life when I really, really need some kindness.

I've been thinking lately of ending it all. The thoughts are intrusive and for a while, I was able to brush them aside, but as more time passes, they linger and and almost feel comforting. I don't have to stay here. I don't have to endure all this pain.

I have constant nightmares. Nightmares of Clay screaming, nightmares of Harm being killed as soon as he opens the door to that torture shack. I know I dream of other times in Paraguay but, and it rather terrifies me, my memory of it all is fuzzy. Details that should be sharp in my mind are blurred and I want to tell someone, maybe tell the admiral, but as soon as I work up the courage, I'll see him watching as another colleague chips away a little more at my self esteem. Can he not see I'm floundering? Can he not see how I never smile, how I never eat? Can he not see me fading away?

Yes, I'm sure he can, but he just chooses not to intervene. I'd even take him calling me into his office to yell at me and ask me what the hell my problem is. My work is adequate, but it isn't as sharp as before. I'm here before everyone else just to avoid having to greet anyone. I leave after everyone else just to avoid the awkward goodbyes. If I need to obtain an old file or research in the law library, I wait until it's at least nine o'clock, when the only people here are the custodial staff and a couple members of security. I often work until the early morning hours, only returning home at two or three so I don't have to bear the utter silence of my apartment.

I want quiet, I do. It's just that it's so quiet here that the sounds from outside startle me. They wake me up, sure the noises are that of Sadik's men coming for me.

I'm no marine anymore.

That's why I haven't asked for a transfer. I don't think I could get anyone to respect me when I don't even respect myself. It would be better just to fade away.

The question is how to do it. Pills? Pills mixed with vodka? My gun? Drive into a bridge abutment? Slit my wrists in the bathtub? If I had a garage, I'd close it off and get into my car, the one he helped me pick out, turn it on, and just go to sleep.

Oh lord, my thoughts have turned so dark, even for a woman who is no stranger to darkness.

A thought has been forming in my mind of late. What if I just disappeared? Changed my identity and just left all this behind? Suicide, after all, is rather extreme, no matter how attractive the thought of it might be.

Once again, I wish Harm hadn't given it all up to save me. The decision to die would have been taken out of my hands, and I wouldn't now be fighting the urge to just do it. Just finish what those bastards had wanted to do in Paraguay.

Look, okay, I don't really want to die. It may not seem like it, but I actually am trying to find reasons to live. I think, though, that I won't find any if I keep having run ins with my erstwhile friends.

After I heard Clay welcome Harm into the brotherhood, I drove to Harm's apartment and waited for him. I'd already tried to call him, but he never called me back. It was time I apologized and thanked him in person.

Harm was angry and bitter. He clearly hated me and honestly, he was downright cruel. I should have called him on it, but I was so weakened by everything, I just left. Besides, I likely deserved it.

Then I had to face his former coworkers. They glared at me, talked behind my back, and in general let me know I didn't deserve the slightest amount of compassion. Yesterday in the break room Harriet let me know she knew I had neglected to thank Harm, and obviously wanted me to know she knew. Despite our conversation not being the most rancorous, it really made it hit home that these people didn't care about me anymore. Then again, maybe they never did. Maybe they tolerated me because I was Harm's friend.

Yes, yes…clearly, they did care at one time. I was Harriet's maid of honor. I'm AJ's godmother. They named baby Sarah after me, though I'm certain they regret that now.

I was a mess yesterday after my encounter with Harriet in the break room, so I secured early. The admiral seemed concerned but it's an easy trick for a lawyer to fake that. I was just glad he let me go. I was sick last night after a nap and then I screwed up by not waking up until eleven this morning. I expected Admiral Chegwidden to chew me a new one, but he actually said it was okay, that he was glad to hear from me.

Tomorrow, I will be going to Harriet and Bud's for the first time since before Paraguay. They're having little AJ's fourth birthday party though his actual birthday was a few weeks ago. They weren't able to celebrate it before now, and I'm surprised I was even invited. I wouldn't go, but I won't miss out on seeing my godson for probably the last time.

What do I mean by that?

I have two choices. You know what one of them is, and it would be the easiest choice. The quickest.

The other choice…

I could actually leave. I know how to get a new social security number. I know how to change my name through the more underhanded channels. I know where I'd go. I've never been there before, but I know it's completely different than here. There'll be no admiral, no Bud, no Harriet, no Sturgis. I don't know anyone there and that's a beautiful thought.

The one thing that causes me to waffle between my two solutions is…Harm.

Of course, it would be Harm. Yes, he hates me now, but I still love him. The sad part is, you might think thoughts of Harm would make me just leave rather than end it. You couldn't be more wrong. It would be harder to live in a world where Harm exists too when I'll never see him again. I don't know if I can handle that.

If it makes you feel better, I really do want to choose to live as someone else rather than die by my own hand. I'm just afraid I'll give up and go through with suicide before I have everything ready to leave.

Please, please pray for me. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be choosing between ending Sarah MacKenzie and ending my life. I was supposed to ride off into the sunset with a tall, handsome sailor. I wasn't supposed to be hated by all those I love.

I wasn't supposed to hate me, but I do.

I do.

So, one way or another, Sarah MacKenzie will be no more.

End