Author's Note: Sorry for the delay! I've been working on a Zine and jiving in life. Glad I'm finally getting back to the hobbies I love most!
Chapter Eighteen
The moon was full that night. Not a single cloud drifted through the sanguine sky. Jump City was lit up vibrantly. Starfire hugged her knees as she sat atop the tower, a nippy breeze rushing over her. She watched the tiny cars zoom by in the intricate intersections. Distantly, she thought she could hear hooting and hollering from excited people ready to get their weekend started. The young Tamaranean girl, however, felt anything but. She was ready for the clock to strike midnight and be a different day. It seemed a heavy cloud hung over her and she couldn't do a thing to shake it. She had hoped her friends hadn't noticed, but she knew they probably did. They had ordered Italian for dinner and Starfire didn't seem nearly as amused by the parmesan as she normally was. Beast Boy's win against Robin in Monkey Karts also wasn't met with jumping and laughter. In fact, she hadn't even noticed he'd won until he said something, surprised she wasn't joining his gloating party. Starfire had been staring off into space, seemingly right through the television. Cyborg and Beast Boy had then driven off in the T-Car to the rental shop to find some good flicks for the typical Friday kick back. Starfire's eyes searched the sky endlessly, but nothing caught her eyes. She let out a sigh, lowering her chin to her knees.
"There you are."
She gasped and sat up, looking over her shoulder to see none other than Robin Boy Wonder. His black and yellow cape flapped behind him as he slowly entered the slanted milky moonlight with a face of concern. Starfire turned her warm face away. She was hoping no one had seen her slip out as Beast Boy wrangled his coat on and took votes for the movie genre. His legs came to stretch down beside her and he seated himself, also hugging his knees and looking to her. He waited a few beats, watching as her fingers nervously ran over her knees and her eyes again searched the sky. Starfire made no attempt to speak. She only kept her eyes averted from the leader.
"Star, what's going on? You've been sad all day. Not even chicken alfredo cheered you up." Starfire blinked rapidly and turned her face away, pressing a hand to her lips to try and muffle her rising cry. How she wished she didn't make her friends worry so much. The chicken alfredo was good, she wanted to say. But she'd feel lame uttering such a thing. She felt Robin's warm arms come to drape around her and he drew her closer. Now, her shimmering green eyes stared at the entirety of his clear and comforting face. "You know you can tell me anything, Starfire."
She blinked rapidly, looking back to the large moon sailing over the city. "Today... is the day the Gordanians attacked my planet. My parents died shortly after."
Robin's fingers tightened around her shoulders. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"There was no moment that felt right, Robin," She shook her head. "Besides... I do not want to be dubbed the party pooper."
Robin pursed his lips as Starfire shook beneath his hands. After a beat, he brought his cape around her and in a moment of true vulnerability, Starfire pressed her head against his shoulder. She looked endlessly at the sky, blinking her wet eyes rapidly. Every day, Starfire was thankful for her refuge on earth. Her friends meant the world to her and she was happy to be doing something she was passionate about. Every now and then, however, the calendar seared into her from the wall as she was reminded of little dates that she didn't realize would be so impactive for her. She never thought she'd remember the day of her first flight. Or her first hunt. The memories of Tamaran incessantly popped into her mind, despite all her desire to bury it away and try not to think about it. It confused the young girl. She was very proud of her Tamaranean heritage. But since her arrival to Jump City, she was eager to do anything to not think about it. In a lot of ways, Starfire took on the brunt of the grief, anguish, and regrets. She blamed herself for many things. She wasn't brave enough. She hadn't been assertive. And the day of the Gordanian Invasion was one big muddled mess in her mind with conflicting events that only barraged her in her sleep. When that day struck the calendar, it felt like she was reliving all of it again for the first time. When did it get easier? She knew she'd never forget, but where was the acceptance and peace she had always heard so much about? As she became aware of Robin's warmth seeping into her, her mind was thrown for another loop. If none of that had happened, she never would have known Robin or Beast Boy, Cyborg or Raven. In many ways, she knew she was lucky. But that only brought the guilt back as her eyes stared into the endless sky.
"You know, it's not fair what you're doing to yourself."
"Hm?" She lifted her head. They were only inches away. "What do you mean?"
"I know you, Star," He sighed, also searching the sky. "You feel everything on a different scale. You can't blame yourself... I know you do."
"Robin..." She tore away in the next moment, coming to her feet and hugging herself as she stood on the edge of the tower. The front of her boots dangled almost precariously, her slender fingers wrapped around her arms. Again, she only stared forward at the night before her, her eyes well above the bustling city life of Jump City. Her crimson hair waved in the wind. She sighed and lowered her chin with fluttering eyelashes. "I fear I do not have the right words..." She shook her head. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and looked to Robin, who was only watching her intently. "Robin... I..." Again her mouth closed and she looked upward towards the moon.
He came to his feet now, "Star... you don't have to explain..."
"Robin, I do not understand these feelings..." She didn't look to him as her hair whipped around her shoulder. "I... do not know what I am feeling..."
Robin slowly brought his hand to her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "It's grief."
"But I feel as if I am experiencing so much."
Robin looked out at the stars, his grip on her shoulder tightening. "That's grief, Starfire... you feel everything. There's no rhyme or reason. You're angry, you're upset... There is no proper way to feel grief. You just... do..."
"Does it ever stop?" Starfire looked over her shoulder now with the moonlight highlighting the tears in her large eyes. Robin pursed his lips. "Please, do not lie to me."
"I don't know if grief ever stops..." Robin shook his head. He lowered his hands to his side and looked at the horizon with her. "All I know is that... it gets easier..." He was quiet as his own past demons rushed by him but he kept his shoulders straight, his eyes towards the sky. Starfire rubbed a salty tear from her eye before she reached for Robin, lacing her fingers through his.
"I trust you, Robin," Her voice was pinched, but she smiled nonetheless. "I know you will always tell me the truth."
Robin grinned and then nodded upward. "Can you show me where Tamaran is in the sky?"
...
The hiss of Cyborg opening the pod window drew Robin back from his thoughts and he blinked rapidly, watching as his team began the pre-flight preparation. Beast Boy was helping Raven check the fuel and oxygen supply while Cyborg stood on the edge of his command center and pressed through the screen on his arm. The early morning sky was a mixture of pinks and oranges. Robin's sore body turned back towards the towering city. He felt like he had just spent a lifetime on Tamaran. It was hard to believe it had only been two weeks. But those fourteen days had changed him entirely, he was certain. Despite his slow recovery, there was one thing he didn't think would ever fully heal; the empty part in his heart where Starfire used to be. Of course, he didn't know exactly what this journey would entail, but he couldn't help but feel horribly disappointed. Perhaps, he thought, he was being selfish. And regret was washing over him endlessly. Robin was reminded of the fragility of life in that moment. That everything had an expiration date. And it was up to him to seize those moments with the people he loved when he had the chance. He never wanted to feel this sort of remorse ever again.
"We're all set," Cyborg announced, climbing down the edge of the T-Ship. Beast Boy and Raven rounded the side and together, the three friends looked at the solemn back of their leader. Robin's cape was lifted in the early morning breeze. "I guess we should go say our goodbyes. We'll be getting back to Jump City before nightfall."
"Maybe even throw in some apologies..." Raven muttered, crossing her arms over her chest.
Robin was silent as he began towards the large city gates. After a beat, the other Titans followed in his trail. "I can't wait to get back to earth," Beast Boy said, trying to lighten the mood. "I'm gonna make popcorn and play Monkey Karts all evening."
"You're still gonna lose," Cyborg smiled. For Robin, he didn't hear a word his friends were saying. He only watched the gates grow taller and taller in his vision. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest and his blood was throbbing painfully through every bruise that covered his body. They would eventually fade away, but he was not sure the hurt ever would. Suddenly, though, they all stopped walking as the gates swung open. Two lines of soldiers marched out in perfect unison. And between them were Wildfire and Starfire. Robin drew his lips closely together as he watched his best friend approach with her sad emerald eyes. Her long velvet green dress swung back and forth with her movement. Beside her, Wildfire sported white clothes embellished with shiny gold ribbons.
There was a silence before Wildfire stepped forward and bowed towards the Teen Titans. "I must thank you. Each and every one of you. Despite me being a perfect stranger and you having little to do with our planet, your help was invaluable. I owe my life to you, my friends. I am eternally indebted to what you have done for Tamaran, me, my big sister, and our legacy."
Beast Boy grinned. "It's what we do. We were glad to have helped."
"And you're not a perfect stranger to us," Raven shook her head. "We are linked to you through Starfire."
Wildfire straightened up and cast a smile at his sister. "Yes, Koriand'r was telling me all about your times and travels together. It truly is spectacular. I just wanted to come and give my gratitude. Big sister, I shall give you privacy with your friends while you say goodbye." He nodded towards the team once before he turned and left, half the guards following in his wake. Nervously, Starfire's hands fidgeted together and ran against her smooth skirt.
"Raven..." Starfire's voice was airy and strained as she stepped towards the dark sorceress. "I must thank you for all the bondings of girl time we had together. I will miss the ceremonial drinking of caffeine and moody poetry. And I will miss you the most of it." She came forward and wrapped her arms around the young woman. Raven locked her arms tightly around her friend. Though she was never one to accept physical touch, she welcomed it in that moment. Starfire had truly grown to be one of her greatest friend and she didn't know what the Titans would look like as a group of four. She was the icing on top of their mismatched, wonky cake. And who liked cake without icing? "Beast Boy..." She turned next to her short friend. Beast Boy was already on the verge of tears. "I know I will never laugh as hard as I did with you again. I hope going forward you will not lose that trait that is innate in you. Keep laughing. And please make sure to keep raising everyone's spirits." Beast Boy flung his arms around Starfire's waist and pressed his cheek to her shoulder. "And Cyborg," She turned her bright eyes on him as Beast Boy peeled away and stood beside Raven. "I will take all the knowledge you have gifted me even onward into the afterlife. I am indebted for your counsel and aid. And I admire your sense of self, as I hope you do, too." Cyborg smiled as his massive arms wrapped around her wiry body. She sighed unevenly as they parted and she turned to make eye contact with Robin. There was a moment where nothing was said and they only stared at each other. Raven motioned with her to the T-Ship and slowly, all three Titans slinked away, leaving the duo alone. "Robin... I do not know what to say."
Robin glanced towards the city one more time before he scuffed his boot against the ground. "Just tell me one thing, Star. Are you making this decision for yourself? Or to only do what you think will appease everyone else?"
"My choice is what I believe to be best."
"That doesn't answer my question," he slowly came closer to her. Starfire could feel the heat emanating from his body. "I can't go back to Jump City and live happily if I know you're here unhappy, Starfire."
"It is not your responsibility or burden to worry about my wellbeing," She told him. Her eyes were beginning to grow glassy.
"This can't be goodbye forever..." Robin shook his head. Tears now were skiing down her cheeks. "Starfire, please tell me this is not forever. We can't not see each other ever again."
"I do not know what is going to happen, Robin," Her voice had fallen to a whisper. "Neither one of us do. It would be best if we did not set expectations too high."
He raked his hand through his dark hair and licked his lips, completely unnerved by what he was being told. He then reached forward, grabbing both of her elbows. "Well, then, I need you to listen to me. I'm tired of always holding back like I have to be serious one-hundred percent of the time. Starfire, I love you. More than you'll probably ever know. In fact, I think you're my soul mate. And I want you to know, I will never be happy without you. And I know you have your obligations and I'm not going to keep you from them. And it's not your fault I feel this way. But I just want you to know, Star that... I'm in love with you."
Starfire's emerald eyes were opened wide now, tears streaking freely. She grasped his arms that tenderly held her and her lips quivered. "And this love is... more than friendship?"
"Beyond it," Robin told her, almost earnestly. He brought his hand up to just cross her cheek, tucking her crimson hair behind her ear. "It's an undying love, Starfire. I can't live without you. And that's not your burden to bear. But I couldn't leave without letting you know how I feel."
"I am relieved..." Starfire let out a breath she was holding.
"What?"
"Never in all my time on earth, did I ever feel certain about what I was feeling, Robin. I thought I was misconstruing things, perhaps even misinterpreting what I was overcome with. But you... you just put into words exactly what my emotions are for you. One of devotion, deep camaraderie, and the absolute desire to remain together. And I think at any moment, one of us could have said something on earth and changed everything. But you and I are similar in that way that we are stubborn... even hesitant."
"So... where does that leave us, Star?" Robin's voice was somewhat hoarse.
Her wet and heavy eyelashes fluttered for a moment as her eyes never broke away from his. "I believe a term Raven taught me applies. I think the word we are searching for is stalemate."
"But I love you."
"And I love you," Starfire gingerly pressed her palm to his flushed cheek. "We still do not know what the future will be, Robin, or how things will play out for either one of us on our home planets. I have a good feeling we may see each other again one day. But I do not know when. And we will not know who we will be as people at that time. You promised me, though, Robin, you would not blame or judge me for what I decide. This is the right choice, right now. Things change. And I promise to let you know when they do."
Her hand seared into the side of face as he struggled to find his voice. "Will you make me one last promise, Starfire?" She was still for a beat before she nodded her head. Robin reached up and grabbed her thin hand, squeezing it gently. "When things do change... promise me that you'll find me first thing. Swear to me I'll be the first person you'll think of."
She smiled weakly. "That is a promise I will make and keep for you, Robin."
In the next moment, Robin placed his hands to either side of her face and leaned in, pressing his lips to hers. The sensation was wonderful, the young man wanted to kick himself for waiting so long to do it. She pushed back with a passion that felt like a silent promise. From the T-Ship, the three Titans watched the somewhat somber exchange silently. Just fifteen days ago, they were a happy and cohesive team keeping the crime world contained and squeezing as much pizza as they could between that. Everything about their lives, their home, their gadgets, had been designed for five. Now, they would only see the empty seat and have to pass the dark bedroom she used to occupy. Slowly, Starfire and Robin's lips parted and they were both breathless as they looked at each other.
"Goodbye, Robin," she whispered before she brushed past him, making her way back to her kingdom. She folded her hands in front of her as she told herself to be strong. Starfire paused just short of the gates, turning back to her friends who were shuffling about to get on their way home. Robin's cape whipped behind him as he approached his friends. The looks on their faces stung his ego. He didn't want the pity or the sympathy.
"Let's go," Robin's voice was flat. As he hoisted him up onto the T-Ship, he looked Starfire, who seemed so small from where she stood. There was the love of his life and she was walking right out of his life. He pursed his lips and let out a long sigh as he shifted into his seat, securing the pod around him.