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Chapter 10

October to December 2009

"Wish I could be just a little less dramatic

Like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames

Leave it to me to be holdin' the matches

When the fire trucks show up and there's nobody else to blame"

Mama's Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert

Draco didn't even know what had set him off today, until he was slamming his bedroom door and throwing himself against it tears running down his face. He slid down to the floor, wrapping his arms around his legs.

Everything felt so out of control. Draco felt out of control. He was frustrated with himself. Frustrated that Hermione and Theo were always so patient with him. Frustrated that even when he yelled and threw things then Theo and Hermione stayed calm.

Angrily closing doors and yelling seemed like the only thing that he was good at. He missed his job at the Archives. That at least was some sort of a purpose.

He just wished that he was dead. His tears punctuated the long hours while he hid from everyone. He was convinced that they were going to abandon him. It was only a matter of time. The only miracle was that they had not done it yet. He didn't know where he would go, perhaps the transitional housing at St. Mungo's would still be an option.

He wanted to burn the Manor down and salt the earth where it stood. Maybe he could order the Elves to do it, that would be a perfect use of them. Then he could give them all a piece of clothing and wash his hands of the whole thing. He didn't want to be a Malfoy, didn't want to be even alive. He missed his mother. He missed how easy it had been to accept affection from Theo and Hermione when he had been in his hospital bed. His hands shook.

Finally, when he was sure that he had missed dinner, he snuck out of his room with the intention of eating something small from the kitchen. He didn't hear the sound of Hermione's telly or music, so he hoped that she and Theo had headed to bed. Those hopes were dashed as he saw them lingering in the kitchen.

Theo stood there, his arms wrapped tight around Hermione.

He whispered, "I love you." His soft kisses on her temple, in her hair.

Draco's hands shook with desperation to go to them. He just wanted to be held.

They were everything that he had ever wanted and nothing that he could ever have.

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Part of Draco's follow-up treatment from St. Mungo's was visits with a Mind Healer. He was dreading the whole thing and of course Theo noticed. Theo noticed everything.

Draco let Theo come with him. He tried to ignore the worried looks on Theo's face as he sat in the waiting room, pulling a book out to read, as Draco checked in with the desk clerk.

Theo gave him a reassuring smile and a thumbs up as Draco was called to the back. Draco knew that his own returned smile was tentative at best.

Draco's mind healer was an older woman that reminded him of Madam Sprout, except with tiny glasses that she looked over the top of rather than through.

Sitting in her little office, he forced himself to tell her about his wife, about how things had started, the way Astoria'd asked for complete control over the House Elves as a wedding gift, the way she'd slowly used that control to starve him, to torment him, the way she'd slowly taken over every part of his life until he couldn't so much as move without her control. He cried as he told her how he had thought he deserved everything so he'd never fought back.

She listened without judgement which he appreciated before finally speaking. "You went through a very traumatic experience, Mr. Malfoy."

"Draco, please."

"Draco, it's normal to have very conflicting feelings about your abuse. Abuse of men is very under-reported. Your abuser used the fear you had of letting others know what was going on to have increased access to hurt you. Nothing that happened was your fault. Abusers choose to prey upon people who are fragile. She married you right after you were released from prison, correct?"

"Yes," Draco breathed. "Father found out about Theo and I, our romantic attachment, and arranged the marriage. I like to think that he would not have done so if he knew how she would treat me, but Father wasn't particularly kind to me either. He constantly told me that I was a sorry excuse for an heir and that the blood of our family must have gotten too thin, because I was pathetic." Tears began to flow down Draco's cheeks and the Mind Healer handed him a handkerchief.

"It's not surprising that your father was abusive and then you later found yourself in an abusive marriage. Especially considering that he arranged the marriage, he may have subconsciously or consciously chosen a bride for you that would treat you as he had treated you. But let's go back to what you were saying about Theo. Aren't you staying with Ms. Granger?"

"Yes, but Theo is always there. Theo and Hermione are engaged. They were the only ones who realised something was wrong. Prior to the kidnapping, they'd been taking me to lunch a few times a week for months. Hermione was the one who realised I'd been kidnapped and taken to Crete."

"They sound like very dedicated friends, but is it painful for you to be in their home? Watching someone you loved in a relationship with someone else?"

"Sometimes," Draco admitted. "But they both give me my space when it becomes too much. And I still love Theo. He's such a good person despite how we were raised. And I've loved Hermione for years. It seems meant to be that the two people that I have unrequited love for would fall for each other. Inevitable even." Draco's sigh almost sounded like a sob. "They both care about me in a way that no one else has since my mother's death. They were there with me for weeks in St. Mungo's. Theo even threw out Blaise when he tried to visit and I wasn't ready."

"Let's delve into that a little more. Tell me about Blaise and why you weren't ready to talk to him."

Draco explained how his best friend had become his brother-in-law when they married sisters, but never seemed to notice how wrong everything was.

"I turned into a shell of myself and Blaise never even noticed." Theo noticed. Theo always noticed. "Astoria poisoned my body and my mind and Blaise was the only one of my friends that she allowed me to see. Only at our home - at the Manor I mean - nowhere else. And we played this twisted game of pretend where she acted as though she liked me. It was the only time that she did so after my mother's death."

His therapist nodded, so Draco continued.

"Blaise has been one of my best friends since I was eleven. He never noticed anything wrong with me, never noticed I couldn't do magic, never noticed how miserable I was. When he tried to come see me when I was in hospital, Theo confronted him and told him he chose not to see. I just don't know if I can forgive him, but it wasn't his job to save me, was it?"

"It may not have been his job, in that he isn't an Auror, but generally one's friends at least attempt to help when one is dealing with domestic abuse. And it's natural to feel like he wasn't behaving like a friend. Draco, you don't owe anyone your forgiveness. Forgiveness being a required part of the healing process is absolute nonsense in my opinion. It just places more pressure at the foot of the abused party."

"I just feel so angry all the time," Draco admitted. "Angry at everyone else, angry at myself. Why did I stay with her? I could have left. Why did I stay? "

"She had you convinced that you deserved it," his mind healer reached out and took his hand, squeezing in support. "But Draco, you didn't deserve any of it. You never did."

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Draco was reading a potion-making journal that Hermione subscribed to, when she came into the sitting room. She smiled at Crookshanks curled up on Draco's lap.

"Hey," she said softly, as always trying not to startle him. She knew that it instantly put him on edge, more so than normal, and a nervous Draco was a lashing out Draco. There was no flight in the man's fight or flight response these days.

"Hey," Draco responded looking up from the magazine.

"Do you think that I could drag you away from Crooks and that periodical to come with me to the market?"

He hadn't left her house in days, not since Theo had taken him to his mind healing appointment at St. Mungo's and she thought it was past time to work on some of his anxiety around food.

"The market?" Draco asked, hesitantly.

"Yeah," Hermione smiled. "It would be a huge help." She knew that she was being sneaky and manipulative, but she thought this was necessary. Draco couldn't stay cooped up in her house every day.

"A wizarding market?" Draco's question was coated in fear.

She shook her head, "The muggle market. We'll take my car. It's not very far and I promise I'm a very cautious driver."

Draco looked considering for a bit, but then he nodded and carefully sat her orange cat on the floor.

Crookshanks looked up at Draco and meowed plaintively.

"I'm very sorry for disturbing you," Draco stood, looking down on the cat. "But your mistress needs my assistance. I promise you can cover me with orange hair later."

Crookshanks lifted his tail and prowled from the room, indignation dripping from every claw. Hermione covered her mouth to hide her laughter.

"Yes, yes, Hermione, laugh away. Your ridiculous cat has me wrapped around its little paw. I'm well aware." Draco dusted the fur off his trousers and looked at her expectantly. "Are you ready to leave now?"

"Yes, let me just grab my purse."

She found him a few minutes later staring at himself in the mirror, a finger running over the scars running down his cheek, running his thumb over the runes and numbers tattooed on his neck.

"Is this going to be alright in the Muggle world?" he asked her when he saw her reflection, meeting her eyes.

"Yes," Hermione tried to reassure him. "If anything you are more likely to have women flirt with you. You look like a bit of a bad boy."

"A bad -" Draco blinked at her in confusion. "Isn't that a bit infantilising?"

"It's a muggle expression." She took his elbow and led him outside to the car.

She showed him how the safety belt worked. And he slowly clicked his into the buckle and looked at her anxiously, "Is this really needed?"

"It's required by law, but I have a number of safety charms on the car as well. Don't worry. We're much safer than on a broom."

His whispered, "I haven't been on a broom in years" made her heart clench. She didn't comment, but decided that she would mention it to Theo, maybe he could take Draco out flying sometime soon.

Draco was obviously nervous, but didn't complain on the short drive to the market. Once inside Hermione took him by the hand while she grabbed a buggie.

"There are so many things here," Draco whispered to her as they came into the produce section.

Hermione nodded, her suspicion that he had never been shopping for food before confirmed by his reaction to the four types of apples. He stared open-mouthed.

"Do you want to try all four types?" Hermione asked. "You can have whatever you want."

Draco's eyes shot to her full of surprise. "Whatever?"

"Anything," she agreed. He shook his head in denial. "No really you can have anything. I know some of these things you've never seen before, but you can get anything you want even if it's just to try it and say that you don't care for it."

"Hermione, are you sure?"

"Draco, I have enough money to do this daily for years before it becomes an issue."

Draco nodded again uncertainly. Hermione looked him in the eye and put all four types of apples in the cart and when he tried to put them back she simply whispered, "you don't need to."

He froze and seemed to just exist for a moment, deep breaths and still muscles.

"Alright."

The trip to the store resulted in Draco getting multiple different things that he'd never eaten before, crisps and oven meals, multiple kinds of desserts, different types of teas (but never herbal) and three kinds of flavoured coffee sweetening.

Hermione picked up what she needed to make the pasta dish that she had planned for the evening as well. She pulled Draco away from the pre-made sushi counter promising to take him somewhere good for the real thing.

Draco was confused about what she meant about the "real thing" but Hermione explained that a low quality version was not an acceptable substitute for an exotic cuisine.

"Draco, I promise Theo and I will take you to sushi in Muggle London if you want to go, but this is a travesty. I refuse to allow your first introduction to one of my favourite foods be this." Hermione took him by the elbow and over to the meat and seafood counters to pick up some things she needed from over there.

"Who did your shopping growing up? I can't imagine Narcissa in a market." Hermione asked as they took the bags back to the car.

"The Elves. They have their own markets, you know?" Draco looked at Hermione. "I don't think wizards and witches are even allowed there."

Hermione considered that. She had never seen a House Elf shopping in any of the food shops that existed in the Wizarding World.

"I never even thought about that," Hermione laughed. "Maybe it's a good thing that I never went to work for the Department of Control and Management of Magical Creatures."

"Honestly I can't imagine it." HE had three bags in each arm as he put them in the boot. Hermione could see his muscles through his shirt, and then looked away quickly so that he didn't see her blush. "I mean you could do anything, but I can't see you working there. You should have seen the research requests that come from that department. Positively archaic."

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"Draco," Hermione called as she worked in the kitchen, "Can you come here?"

"I don't want to be in your way," Draco began, hesitantly.

"No, I need help," she smiled in a reassuring way, "chop the tomatoes. If you can brew a potion you can cook a meal. In fact we are much less likely to accidentally poison ourselves."

Draco's face fell as he sighed. "I haven't brewed a potion in years."

Refusing to be deterred, Hermione spun him towards the cutting board and the knife block.

"But it's okay because it's like riding a bike, you never forget."

"A bike?" Draco looked at her in confusion.

"A broom," she corrected. "Just start with chopping the tomatoes."

Hermione fluttered around the kitchen like a butterfly, stirring this, sniffing that, oil added to this pan, salt to this pot. Draco loved watching her hands work the same way he had enjoyed watching her brew potions when they had been school.

He peeked over her shoulder at the recipe book and he realised it wasn't terribly complicated. He felt a bit more confident about his abilities and added the tomatoes to the oil, garlic and thinly sliced mushrooms that were already cooking.

Cooking together began to be like a dance in the small kitchen. Hermione twirling this way, Draco stepping that. His hand on her waist to push her aside, her hand on his arm as she reached over him to stir a pot.

Hermione distantly heard the door open, but she and Draco were so busy arguing over whether she had put enough rosemary into the sauce that she didn't register it until Theo cleared his throat.

She looked up and saw him grinning ear to ear.

"Can I help," Theo asked, his sapphire eyes twinkling.

"The kitchen is too small for three people," Hermione stated, "Chefs only, Theo, now shoo."

"Alright. I see how it is," Theo quipped, "I'll go see if Crooks will give me some attention while my favourite people ignore me."

"I can go, Theo, so there's room for you to help," Draco started to move past Hermione, but her fingers on his wrist stopped him.

"Stay," Hermione whispered and then to Theo, "You are impossible in the kitchen and Draco is an excellent help. Go read something or watch the telly. You aren't stealing my sous chef!"

Theo laughed and disappeared into the other room.

Hermione flashed her grin at Draco, "Come on. It's time to strain the pasta and finish up the sauce."

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Hermione had an entire shelf of recipe books and Draco found himself incredibly interested in them. When he couldn't sleep at night, he would sit in the darkened kitchen with a small ball of light that he had managed to conjure. "Jamie's Ministry of Food: Anyone Can Learn to Cook in 24 Hours" by Jamie Oliver was Draco's favourite, but with Hermione being such a good cook, he wondered where a book of that sort had come from.

Theo found Draco asleep on the couch one morning with one of the recipe books across his lap, A sleeping Crookshanks was twisted around Draco's feet. Theo sat on the floor next to the couch for a while just watching Draco sleep. He still had his reading glasses on. It made Theo want to kiss him. Gently, Theo removed the glasses, smoothing back Draco's bangs out of his sleeping eyes. He ran a finger over Draco's scars and Theo was nostalgic for the days when he could wake Draco with kisses over all his imperfections.

Theo wished that those days could come again. More than anything.

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Hermione came home from her annual check-up and running a few errands on the muggle side of things and heard the telly on.

That's odd, Hermione didn't remember leaving the television on when she left that morning.

She paused when she heard Draco's voice, "You're correct of course. I think that's far too much butter. What is she thinking?"

Who was he talking to?

She carefully snuck into the sitting room to discover Draco with Crookshanks on his lap and both of their eyes trained on the cooking show that was on the screen.

The chef seemed to be speaking in rapid-fire French as she added various ingredients to her mixing bowl. Hermione didn't even realise that she had a French language channel on her service.

"Parlez-vous français?" Draco asked Crooks while scratching him between his ears, but the cat did not comment. "I figured not. Well, if you need me to translate something just meow, alright?"

Hermione thought her face might hurt from grinning. She should put this memory in a pensieve for Theo. He'd love it.