Tamuril had been left reeling a little from her visit by Thranduil. She was still stunned that he hadn't reprimanded her or forbidden her from going with him entirely. She still felt a little guilty about dragging him into this at all but she decided to just push it to the back of her mind for the time being. He was accepting and that was all that mattered right now... she had somewhere to go.
Her heart still pained her at the thought of leaving Rivendell. Leaving Elrond. But she simply couldn't fathom staying here and getting past what had happened. Elrond clearly wanted her to go, she thought it was growing more obvious by the second, and she was still too embarrassed to talk with him about it regardless.
She wondered if she would ever see him again and frowned as she moved over to the chair by the window, sitting and looking up at the sky so she could watch the stars. She couldn't imagine never seeing Elrond again, never hearing his voice, listening to his advice, helping him arrange the library as they talked about their day. He was the closest thing to a father that Tamuril had ever had in her entire life.
Why did she have to kiss him like that?!
It felt so bizarre to her and she knew it was wildly out of character. She still didn't fully understand it. She knew that when he had told her that he would take away her pain in whatever way he could if it was possible that she had seen Haldir's face so clearly in her mind. She had been grappling with the physical loss of him, the fact she would never kiss or hold him ever again. It was a large hole to try and patch over, forget about, move past. Tamuril had just been feeling so lonely, so cold right through her entire soul... she hadn't wanted to kiss Elrond, not like that, but some stupid part of her had simply acted on this bizarre impulse and she sorely regretted it. Elrond had been nothing but good to her and she missed him desperately already... but he had made it clear that he wanted to send her away and had no desire to fix this. If he did, he would have sought her out already, she was sure of it. Yes, he had come to her room immediately after she had fled from him, but he had not tried to get her to stay.
Sighing, Tamuril curled up in the chair, pulling a blanket over her body as she slowly drifted off to sleep, under the watchful eyes of the stars overhead.
Sleep did not find Elrond that night. He found himself far too restless, unable to sit still or focus his mind on anything. He felt uneasy with the thought that in the morning, Tamuril would be leaving Rivendell and the thought that he might never see her again was breaking his heart.
Was Arwen right? Could he go to her right now and fix this entire thing?
Twice, Elrond almost talked himself into doing just that, but then his thoughts would turn to the way she had looked at him, the things she had said to him, and he found himself frozen.
How had he not seen her resentment building? Of course, he had felt his own guilt over Haldir's death and Tamuril's subsequent grief, he had admitted as much to her - he longed for that day back. The fervent way she had told him not to hold such a belief. That she did not blame him. Now he was pretty certain that she did and perhaps had not realised it until he said it out loud.
He missed her and he regretted his handling of a lot of things regarding Tamuril this past week. And now he may never get the chance to make any of it right. She wanted to leave, there was no denying it, and he didn't want to hurt whatever small bond may still remain somehow by confronting her. As much as he felt like he may have already, he did not want to do any more to risk losing her forever. His darling girl.
Dawn came at last and the inhabitants of Rivendell rose early to see the King of the Woodland Realm and his entourage off home.
Nessa burst into Tamuril's room and shook her awake, dragging her out of the chair and helping her fix her hair and dress. Tamuril groaned, her body aching from the uncomfortable way she had fallen asleep in the chair. When she was ready, she turned to help Nessa with their things, heading for the stables so they could saddle up their horses.
"How do you have this much energy?" Tamuril asked her friend, chuckling softly as Nessa was wide awake and practically buzzing. It was an unusual sight, Nessa usually one who rose very late and thrived doing so.
She shrugged, glancing at Tamuril with a little laugh. "I'm excited! You know I have barely left Imladris my whole life and now we're going to the Woodland Realm. Can you imagine?! We're going to live in a forest!"
Tamuril smiled softly, doing her best to focus on something other than the melancholy that wrapped itself around her very bones at the thought of leaving this place, her home, and the people in it. "I suppose I haven't really thought that far." She admitted, reaching up to pet Willow's muzzle before she settled her items for the journey ahead.
Nessa turned her head and looked at her friend, aghast. "You mean to say that you chose to leave home but gave no thought to the next place you would actually be spending Valar knows how long in?" She asked incredulously, shaking her head in amusement at Tamuril's sheepish expression. "You perplex me, Tamuril, you really do." She teased, turning back to the task at hand.
Upon leaving the stables, Tamuril began to lag behind, feeling the knot in her stomach grow with each step they took towards the courtyard where they would depart with Thranduil and his men. She knew Elrond would be there with Arwen and she wished she could just slip away unnoticed. She felt shame, guilt, sadness and anger all jolt through her at once.
It was both better and worse than the all consuming, devastating, numbing grief that had been her constant companion since Elrond told her of Haldir's death.
Gods, she missed him so much. Her vision clouded with his face, his smile, and she didn't realise that she had stopped walking until she felt Nessa's hand on her arm. Lifting her gaze, she offered her a soft smile and moved again. She was not alone, she had to hold onto that.
The courtyard by the main entrance had come into view and Tamuril could feel her resolve slipping somewhat, but she pressed on, doing her best to make her face as much of a mask as she possibly could. She did not want to show her intense pain at leaving this place, this home Elrond had so readily accepted her into. The people she had grown to love as her own family.
How had it come to this?
Elrond was standing with Arwen and some of the others from the main household as Tamuril and Nessa approached. Thranduil was already standing with his entourage, long platinum hair falling down his back as he stood speaking to the Lord of Rivendell, bidding him a goodbye, engaging in a brief last minute discussion about upcoming aid between the two realms, and assuring him that the two girls would come to no harm under his rule.
When Elrond became distracted, Thranduil followed his gaze, turning to look over his shoulder. The reason for Elrond's disturbance clear the second he set his sights on Tamuril. His gaze took her in, studying her as she walked alongside her friend, both leading their horses. She looked well, Thranduil decided. Well enough to handle taking their leave, at least, and he found himself satisfied by that fact as he forced his attention back to Elrond.
The Lord of Imladris found it a little more difficult than the Elvenking did, his gaze sticking to Tamuril like a spiders web as she and Nessa walked closer to join the fray of Thranduil's people. It felt wrong, standing here and allowing her to leave, especially under such circumstances as these. Elrond held no ill will, he had not been lying when he told Arwen that. Not against Tamuril, at least. Any ill will he may have harboured was directed at himself.
"Ada." His daughter's soft voice shook him from his reverie as he turned to her, now standing by his side. He realised that Thranduil had still been speaking and he had not heard a single word that had passed his lips. The Elvenking was eyeing him with mild irritation but Elrond could not find it in him to care. "My apologies, King Thranduil." He said half-heartedly, turning his attention to the king once more.
Thranduil shrugged and waved a hand. "It is no matter." He muttered, turning. "We should not delay any longer. I find myself eager to be home."
Elrond nodded his head. "Yes, I can imagine." He said, turning to his daughter once more and finding her gone. Elrond turned, seeing her hurrying in Tamuril's direction. Thranduil was speaking with his guard Feren now, leaving Elrond to an internal struggle as he tried to decide whether or not to follow his daughter's approach towards Tamuril.
Arwen immediately wrapped her arms around Tamuril, drawing her close. Tamuril was tense for a moment before she melted into the embrace of the elleth she had come to view as a sister. "Arwen..." She murmured, sighing as she buried her face in Arwen's hair, squeezing her eyes shut. She was going to miss her so much. Just as she was going to miss...
"Tamuril." A new voice spoke over Arwen's shoulder and when Tamuril opened her eyes, she found herself looking once more back at Lord Elrond. Where she expected to find only a stern gaze, she was distressed to see unhappiness in his eyes as he loooked at her.
"Elrond." She murmured, inclining her head just slightly as Arwen stepped away.
The sight made Elrond's heart ache, as though she were treating him as merely another Lord she needed to placate with such gestures, when he had always been so much more than that to her.
He did his best to keep his emotions off his face but he was fairly sure it was in his eyes. "I hope you shall find the Woodland Realm a pleasant change of scenery." He said simply, clasping his hands in front of him to try and reign in the desire to gather her into his arms and beg her to stay here where he could protect her. Sauron may be gone but he was not sure he trusted every evil had fully been vanquished from these lands.
Tamuril felt disappointment pool in her stomach. What had she expected? For him to plead with her to change her mind? Tell her to stay? She knew he wanted her to leave, he had said as such about putting her on a ship and had not come to her any of these past nights to ask her to stay.
Arwen gave her father a look and moved around him again so she was standing in front of Tamuril. "You are always welcome here." She told her gently, doing her best to keep any upset off her face. She didn't want to make this harder on Tamuril than it already was. Arwen just wished that the two of them would have talked this out properly. It was such a big misunderstanding and she was still at a loss as to how it had gotten to this point.
Tamuril looked over her shoulder to find Nessa but the other girl had moved off already, standing between Lindir and one of Thranduil's guards. Feren? Was that his name? Tamuril supposed she would eventually find out. She turned back to Arwen, missing the look that flashed across Lindir's face as he watched Nessa laugh at something Feren said and nudge his arm.
Tamuril turned at the exact moment that Arwen moved out of the way, slipping behind her father and shoving him forward. He didn't stumble but he knew what she was trying to do and soon he was left alone with Tamuril. He could see Thranduil was eager to be off. He was out of time and he didn't know what to do. Tamuril turned her gaze from Arwen's retreating back, glancing up at Elrond for a moment before she swallowed past the lump in her throat, dipped her head just slightly once more and then turned as if to leave.
She was stopped by Elrond's warm fingers gently grasping her wrist.
Tamuril let him pull her back, turning her gaze up to his face. His expression was fairly neutral but there was a warmth in his sad eyes as he looked at her that she did not miss. "Arwen is right. You are always welcome." He told her, voice soft. He wanted to tell her that he didn't want her to leave at all but the words didn't come. "You can come home anytime."
Tamuril blinked. She felt a rush of affection rush up in her as she looked back at Elrond. All she wanted was to wrap her arms around him, sob into his shoulder, and tell him she didn't want to leave. Tell him how sorry she was about... well, about everything. Instead, her tangled emotions and her anguished mind betrayed her. Again.
Into her head flashed the image of Haldir that she had conjured up after hearing about his death - him falling, bleeding out, the life leaving his body. How the light in his eyes would have been extinguished.
"This has not been my home since you sent the love of my life to his death." The words came from seemingly nowhere and, like she told him before she did not hold Elrond responsible. She really did not... but she knew now that he did.
It was almost like, somewhere in the back of her mind, she thought it was better to push him away once and for all. To hurt him to make a clean break. She still thought he was angry and wanted her to leave but the look in his eyes right now was tearing at her resolve a little. Maybe if he finally looked at her like he hated her, she could let go. He would soon leave these lands anyway... it wouldn't matter. He could forget all about her... and the way she had completely shamed him and thrown all of his kindness back in his face.
"Or since you told me what you had foreseen. That he would not be leaving the Halls of Mandos. That any and all hope I could have clung to was forever lost." This was not entirely his fault, of course, but it was an extra piece of kindling she could throw upon the fire.
She ignored the look of despair bleeding into Elrond's eyes as she finished and turned away, tears welling up in her own eyes as she moved away from him.
Elrond watched her go, heart twisting painfully in his chest as though caught in a vice. The words from Tamuril's lips cemented his fears. She was lost to him. She blamed him. She saw him as a physical target for her loss. He could actually understand it, from a technical sense, but it broke his heart all the same.
As Thranduil's entourage finally started out, Arwen moved back towards her father and slipped her hand in his, giving it a comforting squeeze. Elrond turned his head and smiled at his daughter, though it looked strained and it did not escape her notice.
"Did you really foresee...?" She asked, having overheard everything Tamuril told him. She thought back to the way Tamuril had been so upset with her when she brought up leaving for Valinor. The way she'd shouted that Haldir was not coming back with such certainty.
Elrond sighed heavily and nodded. "I shall tell you all about it later."
Arwen nodded, turning back to watch the retreating group as they left the grounds and disappeared from view. "You know, she did not mean it." She said softly.
Elrond didn't respond.
Nessa kept giving Tamuril strange looks as the two of them rode behind Thranduil and his head guards. Tamuril did her best to ignore her friend but she knew what she must be thinking. She had been harsh back there... too harsh. She knew it. Now that the moment had passed and her embarrassment and sorrow at facing him and the images in her mind had both faded... she regretted every single word.
She wanted to turn around and tell him that she hadn't meant it, that she didn't blame him for Haldir's death. She would never have said anything like this in the past, something she didn't mean, something just for the purpose of hurting somebody, but somewhere along the way these last weeks - since life had started to lose its joy and meaning - the anger had started to seep in and take hold. She was saying and doing things she didn't mean or understand.
Whatever hope Tamuril may have held onto for reconciliation... she felt that she had truly lost. Forever. Elrond would surely hate her now, even if by some miracle he had not already with her earlier antics.
She could never come back...