Chapter 3

James caught the snitch in his outstretched hand, the small, golden ball hitting his palm with a soft clink of its metal wings. He tossed it into the air once again from where he lie on the bed, looking bored.

"Come on, mate," he said to Sirius across the room, "I bet we can get in an hour of flying before I meet Evans."

"Why don't you just go see her now?" Sirius asked as he packed his schoolbag for the third time. He glanced at his watch—one the Potters' had gifted him for his seventeenth birthday—but it was still too early to head down to Lupin's office.

James rolled his eyes. "She's with Marlene and the girls. They're probably discussing the quality of my snogging and deciding whether or not we'll ever move beyond that."

Sirius winced. "I think they've probably got better things to discuss."

James shrugged and continued to throw the snitch above his head. "You'd think so, but last week I walked in on them discussing Dorcas fantasizing about Professor Lupin while she was snogging Davey Gudgeon." He frowned. "I hope Evans isn't picturing Lupin when we kiss."

"You're so loud I don't think she could forget it's you, mate."

James three a pillow at him and Sirius ducked. They both smiled.

"Fine," James capitulated, the grin still on his face. "What are you doing tonight? It's been a while since we've done a good prank." He leaned up on his elbows, a mischievous glint in his eye. "We could do one on the girls' dorms again, or maybe some fireworks outside the teachers' windows that spell—"

"Can't I get through the detentions I already have first before you drag me into more trouble?" Sirius tried with great effort to keep his smile innocent and playful, but he was struggling; a trill of excitement went through him as his watch showed closer to 7 o'clock.

"You're still in detention?" James asked.

Sirius shrugged, swinging his bag onto his back. "Yeah but it's all right," he said casually as the memory of the last time he'd touched himself while thinking of his professor—every night for the last week, but who was counting—replayed in his head. He cleared his throat. "He's been showing me some Defense stuff."

James raised a brow. "Anything interesting?"

Sirius grabbed a comb off his dresser and looked into the mirror, running it through his hair. "Yeah, just some charms work. Nothing I can use on my mother, but, you know, still worth it."

"Anything I can use on your brother?" James muttered, lying back down again, the snitch at rest between his palms.

Sirius cringed, focusing on his reflection as he tried to swallow down the sour memory. He loved James very much—he was more like a brother to him than his own at this point—but the fact that James and Regulus had once dated made Sirius' stomach turn.

"I thought we had a deal," he said. "We pretend you never fancied my brother and I'll pretend your hair stands half a chance of being as cool as mine."

James threw the snitch at Sirius, who saw it in the mirror and quickly ducked. "Oi! What's with the violence, I'm an innocent bystander here."

"Innocent my arse," James quipped.

Sirius grabbed a jar of mouse off the dresser and threw it at James. "Try some hair product, would you? Your family bloody invented it and you still don't know how to use it."

James put up a very rude hand signal as Sirius shifted his bag once more and headed for the door.

"Don't get lost in dreamy Professor Lupin's eyes," James said sarcastically.

Sirius forced a laugh. "Don't wait up!" he called as he descended the stairs to the common room.

Sirius heard James' answering laugh—a genuine one. If only he knew how badly Sirius wished it were not a joke.

~0~0~

Sirius knocked on Professor Lupin's door at 7 o'clock sharp. He tried and failed not to pick at his cuticles. It was the first time he would be alone with his professor all week.

Lupin opened the door a moment later, and Sirius' stomach dropped.

"Sirius?" The look of surprise on Lupin's face made Sirius take a step back. The man looked like he'd been dragged through hell tied to a hippogriff. His features were drawn and tired, his clothes even more ragged than usual. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi," Sirius started. "Sorry—I—um…it's Friday? I thought we were going to keep working on the charmed jewelry. I…are you feeling all right, sir?" He added the honorific after a moment, feeling something had shifted between them once again and the atmosphere felt uneasy without the sign of respect.

"I'm fine." Lupin's reply was curt, his eyes dull. Gone was the man whose company he'd come to enjoy as equals the last few weeks and in his place was the professor who had given Sirius detention. Who was not mean, but distant. Reserved; closed off.

He supposed he didn't know if the man had been like this the entire day since he didn't have Defense on Fridays. But a sick feeling in his stomach made him feel like it was Sirius' unexpected arrival that had him off kilter. The state of exhaustion was concerning nonetheless, and Sirius felt his heart rate pick up as his desire to flee the awkward standoff clashed with some primal need to know that Lupin was all right.

Just then, Lupin ran his hand through his hair—a gesture that reminded Sirius of James—and motioned him in.

The place was utterly destroyed. Sirius looked around to see papers strewn about, chaos everywhere. Rips in the carpet, the curtains hanging askew. More damage than he could take in with just a single glance.

"Sir…" he breathed, concern tingeing the edges of his words.

"Some Cornish Pixies escaped," Lupin offered. He stumbled over to the tea cart and made himself a cup, china clinking.

He didn't offer any to Sirius.

Sirius sat awkwardly on the couch he usually did and watched Lupin. His hands were unsteady, and he was pretty sure that his professor stood a fair chance of falling asleep standing up.

Lupin gestured with the cup to the bracelet still sitting on the table. Sirius just looked at it. Well…if Lupin wouldn't answer what had happened to cause such a wreck, then at least Sirius could still show him that he'd been practicing. He tried to focus, slowly casting the charms in the order Lupin had shown him, wanting to demonstrate all he'd learned, but he was barely a few minutes into it when his worry over Lupin and general unease distracted him. The bracelet dropped.

Lupin gave him a warm smile, but he never came closer than the tea cart.

Feeling like a guest who had overstayed his welcome, Sirius shifted on the couch, rubbing his hands on his thighs before tucking them under his legs. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?"

Lupin closed his eyes for a moment before looking at Sirius again. "Just a bit tired. I think I need to lie down, actually."

Sirius stood quickly, relieved for a reason to go. "Is there anything I can get you?"

Lupin shook his head. "But thank you."

Sirius took a step forward towards Lupin, not even sure of his own intentions, and then stopped—Lupin had inhaled deeply as if a gust of wind had blown at him, carrying the scent of something comforting and familiar that one needed to inhale deeply as a balm to the soul. He closed his eyes again, and something in his expression looked torn between peace and torment. "You should go."

Sirius was silent. He didn't want to leave him like this, and it certainly wasn't the evening he expected, but he felt that somehow his presence would only make it worse. Gathering his bag, he headed for the door, holding the handle as he looked back. "Same time next week?" It was an effort not to add the "sir."

Lupin shook his head and Sirius felt his stomach sink. "You've done really well, Sirius. You mastered the charm, it's just a matter of practice now, and I think you've learned your lesson about your great talents being put to better use than marauding around the school with James. You've earned your Friday nights back."

Sirius tried not to look as crestfallen as he felt. "Thank you, sir. To be honest, I've enjoyed this." It was a risk, but something in him pushed him towards the truth. Looking at his professor, he bit his lip before quietly asking, "Why did you agree to teach me, sir?"

Lupin looked at him with honest appraisal, though his arms stayed tight across his chest. "You have a real talent for Charms, Sirius. And an unexpected passion for Defense. If you apply yourself correctly, I think you could easily use that to pursue a field you'll find fulfilling."

Sirius nodded and was sure that now there was no more to be said. With his hand on the door, he whispered, "Goodnight, Professor Lupin."

And he heard Lupin's answering farewell as he closed the door behind him.

~0~0~

Sirius' arm was throbbing. Pulling off his robes as he walked down the corridor after Charms, he sighed with minor relief as the fabric stopped pressing against the ugly, red burn mark that was now taking over half his forearm. Sweat collected on his forehead from the pain.

He couldn't believe it wasn't healing, that it might actually be getting worse . He'd already used about ten galleons worth of dittany on it, and it wasn't as if he were unfamiliar with healing. Sirius cursed Snape in his head as he turned left and headed up the stairs to the hospital wing. He and his slimy Slytherin friends must have modified the spell, laced it with some particular brand of Dark magic that was making it hard to heal properly.

It had been three days since Sirius had made a joke about Snape's hair during breakfast and apparently offended him enough that Snape and his friends jumped Sirius in the courtyard after dusk. It wasn't even a mean joke really, it was barely a quip by Sirius' standards, but hiding in the shadows, Mulciber and Avery had sent stunners at him as he walked from Hagrid's hut back to the castle. Sirius dodged the first two, but he couldn't have known that it was a trap. That the two idiots were only distracting him so that Snape could have a clear shot to hit him with a nonverbal. As Sirius fell to the ground with his arm stinging, he heard the three of them run off and felt a well of anger rise up in his chest. A single tear fell. Sirius hadn't been ambushed like that in years, hadn't felt afraid of being unaware of his surroundings since before he left home. His mother would have sneered; his father would have been proud the Slytherins had stood up to his disappointment of a son. Regulus… He supposed he was just glad that Regulus hadn't been with his attackers.

Turning up the staircase to the hospital wing, Sirius lost himself in thoughts of revenge and only noticed something was amiss when he got to the door. It was odd to find it open; Madam Pomfrey typically kept the door closed at all times so that her wards would alert her the moment someone new was in the room. Whoever had come in last must have forgotten to shut it behind them.

Sirius walked in near silently and looked over the rows of empty beds. Pomfrey's office was at the rear of the main room, so Sirius walked towards it to look for her, but he stopped when he heard a voice.

One he recognized. One that had whispered in his ear.

He wasn't whispering now, and he sounded sad. Or perhaps disheartened.

"It's a national shortage, unfortunately." Lupin's voice carried through the cracked door to Pomfrey's office and out into the space where Sirius stood. "The aconite harvest has been very limited in recent years and there simply isn't enough for all the potions Horace needs to brew for the school, for this wing. So I told him not to bother."

Sirius' insides twisted. He didn't know about the shortage. He had wasted aconite recently… What inconvenience had he caused his professor?

"But Remus, what will you do?"

There was a pause, and Sirius wondered if the other man had shrugged, or stared at his hands, or taken a sip of tea. But finally, he heard him speak.

With a world-weary sigh, Lupin said, "Go back to the shack, I guess. It was a mistake to stay in my office for the last one. I… I had forgotten just how bad they get, without the potion. I could have hurt someone. It was stupid, reckless. If I hadn't practiced gaining control all those years, hadn't put a practical barricade of wards on the door…"

Madam Pomfrey's voice sounded pained. "Remus…"

"It's not ideal, Poppy, but at least in the shack, I'll be safely out of the way. I can't hurt anyone if there's no one around to hurt."

Sirius' heard the scrape of a chair and his heart raced. He backed away slowly from the door until he reached a bed on the far side of the hospital wing, hoping that he looked innocent.

After another minute, Professor Lupin emerged from Madam Pomfrey's office and immediately caught sight of Sirius. His eyes locked with the younger boy's for several seconds, his lips parting as the surprise at seeing him gave way to worry on his face.

Before Sirius could even blink, Lupin had regained control over whatever fleeting emotion he'd been feeling and his face returned to the congenial professor who lectured over their Defense classes.

"Poppy, you have a patient."

Madam Pomfrey came out of her office moments later, skirt billowing around her, and saw Sirius, still holding his arm.

He suddenly felt very warm in his cheeks. "It's not a big deal," he deflected. "Just couldn't get these cursed burns to heal properly."

The mediwitch turned back into her office with a muttered Oh my gods .

Sirius watched as Lupin's brows knitted together and his expression grew dark. "Who—"

One side of Sirius' mouth pulled up in a sad smile. "Same as always, professor. Just didn't expect the git to use a curse Dark enough that I couldn't fix it myself." Lupin's eyes narrowed in anger, and Sirius could tell it was on his behalf. He tried to laugh it off with a shrug, which hurt his arm. "It's not like I'm exactly unfamiliar with curse wounds and Dark magic. You are aware of who my parents are, right sir?"

Lupin looked at Sirius with torn desires in his eyes. He seemed to take one step forward before rocking back on his heel and crossing his arms in front of him. He didn't seem to want to come closer than the foot of the bed, and Sirius felt a strange sense of loss wash over him. He hadn't realized just how much he needed that sense of kinship and closeness until Lupin had withdrawn.

"Madam Pomfrey will sort you out, I'm sure."

As if on cue, Pomfrey entered the hospital space once more carrying several vials of potions and pushed one into Sirius' hand. "Drink this," she said and took his arm in her hand.

She began looking it over, but Sirius was hardly aware of it. The pain had receded and he was focused on the all-consuming weight of his professor's gaze.

Madam Pomfrey tutted. "This is going to require more than just basic healing, I'm afraid." She ran several more diagnostics over his arm. "It's really a two person job. I'll have to send you to Mungo's. Unless—"

She looked up at Lupin and it was several long seconds before the idea registered on his face and he stepped back uncomfortably, arms tightening across his chest. Sirius felt that familiar sense of shame ripple through him—he had done this somehow. He had made Lupin uncomfortable around him. The man knew , he must know how Sirius was feeling.

Casting his eyes towards the floor, he did not look up again as they discussed him. The hollow pit in his stomach threatened to swallow him whole.

"Oh, Poppy," he heard Lupin say, "I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

A pause, in which Sirius knew she was leveling the man with a stare. "You are the Defense professor, are you not?"

Lupin sighed. Sirius knew he had no good reason to give for refusing to help.

Before Sirius had time to ponder all the why's and where's of Lupin not wanting to be near him anymore, the man was walking towards the edge of the bed. As he stepped closer, Sirius felt his heart rate pick up. Unfortunately, Madam Pomfrey had set up a charm to monitor Sirius' vitals, and it was obvious—and loud —when the damn thing sped up in sync with Lupin walking closer.

"That's odd," Madam Pomfrey mused. "Are there curses that can cause tachycardia belatedly? Perhaps similar to venoms that settle into the body? I've never seen that outside of patients who have been bitten or hexed to the point of unconsciousness."

Sirius stared at the ceiling, willing his traitorous body to play it cool, but from the corner of his eye he swore he saw Lupin's lip quirk up for just a second before he began speaking once more in a distant, professorial tone. "Not that I'm aware of." He knelt at the side of Sirius' bed and Sirius finally met his eye. "Now let's see your arm."

Sirius watched as the healer and his professor worked together to extract the curse fragments and heal the burn. He imagined it might even be painful, but if it was, he was completely unaware of it. Between the potion and the feel of Lupin's warm hands on his skin, Sirius was in a state of bliss. If he wasn't mistaken, there was something else there too, where Lupin's fingers rested on his arm. A faint buzzing somewhere along the lines of his magic that traveled from where the touch began all the way through his body.

He wondered if the other man could feel it too.

If he could, he gave no sign of it, his brow furrowed in concentration but no other signs of noticing anything different. Perhaps this was just how healing magic felt.

All too soon, it was over.

"There you are," Pomfrey said with a comforting pat on his arm. "Good as new."

"Thank you," Sirius whispered, casting his eyes down in embarrassment now that the experience was over.

Madam Pomfrey patted him on the shoulder and returned to her office. She never asked too many questions.

Lupin stood and watched her go before looking down at Sirius. "If they ever hurt you again, come straight to me."

It was Sirius' turn to look up in surprise, his mouth slightly agape. The look on Lupin's face was dark, serious—but not directed at him. He was seeing something beyond Sirius, lost in his own thoughts. It was…protective.

Sirius nodded and his professor slowly turned, perhaps unwilling to break his gaze with Sirius, before finally looking away and walking through the front doors.

What the hell was that?

~0~0~

Nothing else happened for several weeks. Lupin showed no signs of the protectiveness he'd displayed for the younger boy in the hospital wing, and Sirius was unwilling to tarnish that memory by pushing his luck.

Besides, there weren't many promising openings. Lupin was perfectly normal towards Sirius in class, but that was all. He barely spoke to him individually, and never kept him after. Sirius wasn't willing to risk another detention. He had a feeling the man would send him to Filch instead.

So he spent those weeks by and large keeping his head down, trying to think of another way to spend time with the man he'd become enamored with.

And coming up blank.

Frustration rang through him. And, if he was honest, he missed him.

Which is how Sirius found himself lying in bed, taking a bite out of a large bar of chocolate as he stared at his map. Dots moved across it with little handwritten names as the occupants of the school traveled to various places, unaware that their movements were open for Sirius' perusal.

Lupin's dot was predictably in his office. He usually spent time there after dinner before retiring to his rooms. Realizing that he knew that piece of information sent a shiver down Sirius' spine as he cringed; it was a bit too creepy even by his standards.

But he stared at it nonetheless.

Tonight, though, Lupin seemed to only be stopping by his office, because his dot left as quickly as it had appeared.

Sirius sat up, his interest held as he watched Lupin walk through the castle and towards one of the secret passageways that Sirius avoided. He held his breath as Lupin's dot stopped in front of the passage before seeing a little "puff" of smoke on the map before Lupin disappeared into the tunnel.

He didn't have time to borrow James' cloak, not sure he could move quickly underneath it anyway. So he disillusioned himself—a skill he'd had since childhood when his magic manifested in advanced ways to protect him from his wretched family—and bolted from the Gryffindor common room at a run. Never, never , had he seen anyone use that secret passage.

Why would they? It led directly beneath the Whomping Willow.

Terrified for the man he had grown to feel confusing things for, Sirius ran through the castle and into the secret passage. It didn't matter that Lupin was a great Defense teacher—and if he knew where the tunnel was then he probably knew where it led. None of that mattered. All Sirius could see was blinding panic at harm that might come to him. Heart pounding, breaths ragged, Sirius approached the end of the tunnel and heard an unholy scream.

Freezing where he was, Sirius' eyes grew wide in the dark as his own panicked scream caught somewhere in his throat, held back only through years of practice. For once, he was grateful for the silence he'd learned to keep in the worst moments; it might be the difference between reaching Lupin before he was found, or finding the man too late.

He shook his head. He could not think about that. With terror in every footfall, Sirius started running again at breakneck speed and the smell of wet rock and something else burnt his lungs. He didn't remember the tunnel going on for this long on the map; surely they would have reached the tree by now, but the passage continued, getting smaller and more cramped around him until he was practically forced to crawl.

Please let him be okay.

His thoughts were pure fire and adrenaline and prayer to gods he wasn't sure he believed in.

Hitting the end of the passageway, a small door was carved into the rock. Without even thinking, Sirius withdrew his wand and hit it with a Bombarda . He nearly fell stumbling forward into a strange little house.

Where standing right before him, its eyes locked on him with a deadly calm, was a wolf.