His Tattoo

0o0o0o

A black skull head with a serpent tongue, which coiled into a figure of eight and stopped just above the wrist – Neasa recognised it as the Dark Mark immediately, and it made her take a sharp breath, putting her hand over her mouth. She looked at Severus, who returned her gaze with dewy eyes, his lips pursed.

"I was one of the Dark Lord's followers before I was a Professor – and I needed to tell you before anything more happened between us," he said.

Perhaps it was the shock of seeing the tattoo in real life – or Severus's brutal honesty – but tears pricked Neasa's eyes. She had no idea how to react.

"I knew already," she blurted. Severus frowned, and she hastily added, "The public records. I knew from there."

She blinked back the tears fogging her vision and said, "But – it's in the past, right? You're not loyal to him anymore – you're on Dumbledore's side now, aren't you?"

"It's never in the past," Severus said, rolling down his sleeve. "Yes, I am loyal to Albus now – I have been for many years – but… we're fighting an active war right now."

"I know, but that doesn't matter – so long as your loyalties aren't with Voldemort anymore."

Severus gave a tiny sigh, but it spoke more volume than words could have.

"It's too dangerous," he said, putting his hands on Neasa's shoulders. "What I'm doing is far too dangerous – I don't want you getting dragged into it."

"We can be careful – no one needs to know about us – we… what are you doing that's so dangerous?" Neasa asked.

"I can't tell you," Severus said, and a pained look crossed his eyes. "I can't tell you anything at all–"

"Why?"

"It's too risky–"

"You're not making any sense!" Neasa snapped.

"I can't be with you," Severus said in his most gentle voice. "Not when we're in the middle of a war – not when I'm so involved in it. There's too much pressure to plague a new relationship with."

He pulled Neasa into a hug, resting his chin on top of her head.

"I'm so sorry, Neasa," he whispered.

0o0o0o

Neasa filled out her Sunday crossword alone, and Severus didn't even open his newspaper. They sat at opposite ends of the staff table at breakfast and hardly shared a glance. To Charity Burbage, Muggle Studies Professor, this didn't go unnoticed.

"Are you alright?" she asked Neasa gently.

"I woke up on the wrong side of the bed," Neasa said.

"What's happened between you and Severus?"

"I thought we were going somewhere," she said. "I thought… I thought he wanted a relationship – he did, he told me – but… then he suddenly said he couldn't be with me. Just like that."

"For what reason?" Charity asked.

"His past," Neasa said, giving Charity a significant look. The Professor nodded knowingly.

"What will you do about it?"

Neasa shrugged, "Nothing for now, I guess. I don't know… I'll give him space."

"Well how about myself and Minerva and Sybyll pay you a wee visit?" Charity replied, smiling kindly at Neasa. "We'll crack open a bottle of wine. What do you say?"

0o0o0o

"Do you see the problem, Albus?"

"Of course I do, Severus. However much you feel for Neasa, the reality is that being with her would put her in danger."

Severus had put off going to the Headmaster for help for as long as he could, but when work finally finished on Monday he decided he badly needed advice and couldn't wait any longer.

The last few days had been dreadful. It broke Severus' heart to push Neasa away like that, but he couldn't see another way around it. There was no way he could allow Voldemort anywhere near Neasa.

It had resulted in plenty of awkward moments and run-ins with Neasa. If he asked her a question during a staff meeting, she would not make eye contact with him. At the dinner table their friendly conversation and wit was replaced with perpetual awkward silence. His stomach sank every time they passed each other by. If he was talking to another Professor and Neasa walked past, he could not hold a steady face. They couldn't even be in the staff room alone together any more. He hadn't found it in himself to even complete a single crossword or Sudoku without her.

"Can I tell Neasa what I'm doing – being a spy?" he asked Albus.

"I have faith in Neasa in the same way I have faith in you," Albus replied. "If you only spoke to her about it, I think you would find that she would understand and appreciate the risks."

"What makes you say that?"

"She's a most sympathetic person."

"I know, but… would she really understand?"

"Severus, she has lived through conflict and war in the same way you have. She understands war and all the strings attached to it."

"This is different–"

"We digress," Albus interrupted. "You don't want to put Neasa in danger."

Severus sighed and folded his arms, tapping his finger against his elbow.

"I don't want to put her in danger," he echoed. "We're fighting a war and I don't want an innocent woman dragged into it."

"You must have faith in your own skills as an Occlumens to be able to hide Neasa from Voldemort."

"But when it is her life in question– I can't. I can't risk another woman I care about being hurt." Severus' voice began to crack. "Albus, I'm afraid of letting her in and getting attached and having the rug pulled out from under me again."

"Severus, how often do you sit down and talk women with Voldemort?"

The ridiculousness of the question almost made Severus laugh, despite himself; Albus asked it with so much sincerity that he knew it wasn't rhetorical.

"Never," he replied.

"There you have it," Albus said, as if that solved the problem.

"Should I tell her I simply changed my mind? Fabricate some lie about not wanting a relationship and leave it at that? At least it would keep her safe."

"You would hurt her more that way – besides, how would you live with yourself then?"

Severus looked down.

"You have to be honest with her. And you must never sacrifice love just because of a war, Severus. That would be letting Voldemort win."

Those words touched Severus so much that he might have cried, but he bit his tongue.

"I feel terrible," he said, the words catching in his throat. "Have I ruined it all?"

"I'm the wrong person you should ask," Albus replied.

So Severus went and asked the right person, but Neasa was not the one who answered the door.

It was Charity, with a glass of wine in her hand. Over her shoulder Severus spotted Minerva and Sybyll and Neasa seated around the fire, each with a glass in their hands. He couldn't have chosen a worse time.

"Neasa," Charity called before Severus could bail. She opened the door wider. "It's Severus."

Now the eyes of all four women were on him, and he had never felt more like a cat's prey – their looks weren't loathsome, but they weren't welcoming either. Neasa looked surprised. Severus couldn't meet her eyes.

"I… wanted to talk to you, Neasa," he said quietly.

Charity and Sybyll didn't move – but thankfully Minerva put down her glass and stood up and said, "I think it is time we left, girls."

It felt like an age before the three women were finally gone – and Severus was left standing in the doorway, alone with Neasa, who was still in the corner of the sofa nearest the fire.

"Come in," she said, casting her eyes back towards the flames. Severus took the seat at the other end of the sofa.

He was silent for several beats, fiddling with his cuffs, before asking, "Have I ruined my chance?"

"Nothing is ruined," Neasa said, not taking her eyes off the crackling fire. "I know you're a spy, Severus."

"How?"

"You were last time – it's all in the public record – I remember reading the news about it at the time – it took me a while to place you, at first. I can guess you're doing the same for Dumbledore now, and that's what you didn't want to tell me."

"You would… be correct," Severus replied. Neasa looked over at him.

"You didn't even give me a chance," she said, her voice breaking, "you just… assumed I wouldn't get it. I've thought about the danger already – I thought about it for weeks – and I still want to be with you."

"I'm sorry – this is all so new to me – I don't know how to navigate these sorts of things."

"You have to let me make this decision by myself," Neasa replied, her voice hardening. Severus nodded in assent, and Neasa added, "I have thought about the risks and I'm willing to take them. I want to be with you, Severus. We don't know how long this war will go on for. What's the point in denying our happiness by staying apart? Won't that just make us weaker against Voldemort?"

"You're right – you're right," Severus replied. His eyes filled with tears as he was overcome with emotion and he broke eye contact. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Neasa."

Neasa shuffled closer to Severus and slowly wrapped her arms around him. He tensed up at first, realising that he had not been hugged this way in a very long time. After a few moments, he returned her affection and pulled her head onto his chest. Her hair smelled like lavender and Severus savoured every breath, not knowing when she might pull away.

When she finally did, she slowly met his teary eyes and brought her hand up to his cheek, brushing it with the backs of her fingers.

"I want to be with you, Neasa," Severus said softly, taking Neasa's hand in his own. "I'm sorry it's taken me this long."

He pulled her back into his arms and she buried her head in his neck.

"Promise you won't scare me like that again," Neasa pleaded, her voice muffled by the fabric of his collar.

"I promise – I promise, my dear – never again," Severus replied, squeezing the hug tighter. "I promise I... I will always protect you. I never want you to feel afraid as long as I'm here for you."

Neasa pulled away from Severus and wiped away her tears on her sleeve, but more came. He pulled up his cuffs and gently dabbed her cheeks, but seeing her cry made the tears return to his eyes too.

"Oh, no, don't cry," Neasa said, reaching up with her thumbs to wipe the corners of Severus' eyes. She leaned forward, first pressing their foreheads together for a moment, before leaving a soft kiss on his lips.

"Happy tears," he assured her, tenderly returning the kiss with a shaky smile. "I thought I had lost you."